#A very silly response to a very beautiful submission I'm so sorry

[selenelavellan]

I'm sorry, aaaa--i forgot to do a [1] cos i ran out of space. ye, it a prompt, a companion selene prompt! to piss off dirthy

Cool! This is…probably not what you had in mind but I have had a day, and it is kicking off from your previous writing which was incredible (and also largely inspired by ‘Dirthy’, sorry my brain latches onto weird things).

Companion Selene AU

Dirthamen and Inquisitor Kel(mentioned) belong to @feynites

Lieslingered on his lips as he kissed her. She wasn’t her. She wasn’treal. A part, separate, long reduced to ash sang out from thedistance of time; lies remain lies, no matter how sweet. He swallowedthese truths, and kissed her lips to disguise the taste of bilerising. Honey made even the most disgusting medicine go down.(x)

Nightafter night, Selene has watched this scene play out in LordDirthamen’s dreams. It had seemed only fair, after his own intrusionsinto hers.

Sheis still struggling to make sense of it.

Thisimage who is her but is not her. She laughs in a way that suggests anease Selene has never felt. Smiles at him in a way Selene has neversmiled at anyone. And when she tries to think of such things, triesto remember if in all her millenias of life she has ever feltanything like what she is seeing, she finds only emptiness. Holes,where she should have memories. If she presses at them, there areflashes. Bright lights and a feeling of warmth before it is rippedviolently further from her.

Andwhen she thinks on her own memories, of the wars and the fall and herLady and her fellow Sentinels, they falter. Faces that are blurs withnothing beneath. Fabric fraying apart beneath her fingertips, abattlefield where she is the only one for miles, but stillshe is bloodied and angry and tired. Pushing, fighting, forsomething. But when she tries to think of what she was fighting sodesperately for, she finds…

Nothing.

Shediscusses the matter with Abelas, during the day. He and the rest ofthe Sentinels still adjusting to the way things are done withinTarasyl'an Te'las, or Skyhold, as it is now called. He has hadsimilar issues of his own, apparently. He admits it was one of thereasons he did not resist when the Inquisition asked to separate herfrom the others. Admits that neither he, nor the others, have anymemory of her that predates their last awakening.

Itmakes her question herself.

Shehas seen the looks from others, of course. The pitying looks, thehalf spoken words. ‘People’ looking at her as though she is onlyhalf-there.

Selenefinds it very frustrating; half of the community seems to be scaredto approach her for fear of what may happen to them by their higherups, and many of their higher ups are afraid to speak for fear ofwhat may happen to her. Asthough she is made of some delicate glass that could shatter andbreak if mishandled, and not flesh and bone and magic and things thatcould render this world apart if she could reach across that blastedveil and take it.

Soshe wanders alone. Taking in her surroundings and wondering if shemight not be better off outside of these walls.

“SELEEENE!”

Selenepauses in her steps. She…did someone just call her name?

“SELEEEENE!OI, GET YER HEAD OUT OF YOUR ARSE AND GET DOWN HERE!”

Sheblinks, and moves to the edge of the rampart, trying to find thesource of the noise. An arrow whizzes just past her head and sticksin the stone beside her. There is a pair of red undergarmentswrapped around the shaft.

Seleneseyebrows raise, as she removes the arrow and attached lingerie, andmakes her way down to the blonde woman who keeps waving.

“Isthis how your people court now?” Selene asks. It seems ratherblunt, but she can’t really knock the effectiveness of it.

“Heh.What? Your Dirthy’d knock my head if we knocked boots. Knock…wellnot knock like we’d be knocking, but knock like pain, yeah?”

Selenetilts her head and tries to make sense of that sentence.

“Ugh,that elfy shite really messed up your head. Still you though.”

“Whoelse would I be?”

“Dunno.A Sentinel shit maybe. Thought Solas’d be getting all fluttery inyour space like he did with everything else at the temple. S'justavoiding you though, which is weird but good. I guess.”

Selenefrowns “I am aSentinel.”

“Pfft.Yeah ok. You’re a Sentinel and I’m a friggin’ mage.”

Seleneblinks, and holds out the red fabric to the strange elf “Are theseyours?”

“Nah,they’re Vivvy’s but she won’t miss ‘em.”

“Right…'Vivvy’…Andyour name again was…?”

“Sera.Don’t forget it again, third time you ask I have to start charging.Or make a new one.”

Selenejust nods, even though she doesn’t remember asking a first time. “Ok.Sera. Do I know you?”

“Yeah.All of us. Rumor is you forgot though, so I won’t take it toopersonal this time. Wanna go blow stuff up?”

“Isthat permitted?”

Sera’seyes narrow and her nose squinches up in distaste “What? No.Doesn’t matter. S'fun.”

Seleneconsiders her options; a God who seems determined to claim her, thepitying looks of strangers that claim they aren’t strangers, herfamily that doesn’t recall her existence, or this strange elfinviting her to join in something she claims is fun.

“Iwould love to 'blow stuff up’, Sera. Thank you.”

–

Blowingstuff up turns out to be a lot of fun, although short lived when theprivate cooks in the kitchens aren’t thrilled with the 'flower flourbombs’ Selene and Sera rig to go off whenever a new bag of flour isopened. Selene maintains the petals look very pretty, and it wouldhave been deemed an acceptable loss for the sake of aesthetic before.Sera looks at her funny when she tries to use it as a defense though,and insists that they should both go and get 'hammered’ instead.

Seleneis concerned her carpentry skills will not be up to par.

Itis a relief then, when 'hammered’ turns out to mean drinking copiousamounts of alcohol. Selene is verygood at that, she discovers. Some of the others in the tavern look ather and Sera curiously when they walk in, but after a few pints, theyare all singing along to something about 'horns pointing up’ and sheis laughing with something called a Qunari.

Sheis not sure what that means exactly, but his horns are veryimpressive. Apparently his name is The Iron Bull, and Selene spendsseveral minutes arguing with him about stronger metals he should havechosen instead of something as soft and pliable as iron.

Sera just laughs, and declares “Still her!”

“Who-whoelse would I be?”Selene asks for the second time. “Everyone keeps acting like theyknow me but I don’t know you and the people I thought I knew don’tknow me and it is all very…” She makes a motions with her handsto indicate swirling energies and conflicting forces and threadstangling but mostly she just gets strange looks in return.

“Still got your Dirthy though, right?” Sera asks with a teasingtone.

“What the frig is 'Dirthy’?” Selene yells at the ceiling.

“Y'know,Dirthy! With the mask and cloak and the giggles and then you’d do themoaning and push your squishy bits together. Friggin’ loudlytoo.”

Somewherein Selene’s alcohol soaked brain, she manages to put together 'mask’and 'squishy bits’  and the repeated scenes in the fade, andpractically shoots straight up from where she had been reclining onthe table.“Wait, is 'Dirthy’ Dirthamen? LordDirthamen?”

“Euch,don’t call him a 'Lord’ outside of your games, else I gotta startsneaking eggs under his birds again.”

“Iknew him?”

“Loudly,”Krem reiterates from his chair, and it sends most of The Chargersinto a drunken laughing fit again.

Selenefrowns “I don’t remember any of that.”

“Kiddingright? You used to be trying to sell me some past life soulmate shiteand now you don’t even remember him?”

“Notsince before I woke up in the Temple, no…”

TheIron Bulls empty tankard drops loudly onto the table, and Seleneshead turns toward him in alarm.

“Youtalk to him about any of this?” he asks.

Seleneshakes her head, but pauses. “Talking is…the wrong verb to use, Ithink.”

TheIron Bull lets out a heavy sigh and mumbles to himself beforespeaking loudly enough for her to hear him “This is why you don’tget involved with DEMONS. You got a kink? Find a safe space andpretend like the rest of us.”

“He’snot a demon,” She feels inclined to point out.

“Frigginacts like he is…” Sera mumbles before taking a long swig from herown mug.

“Youshould talk to the Inquisitor,” The Iron Bull says “She knew youway before any of this weird magic shit started.”

Selenefrowns, but nods. She still doesn’t remember anything anyone seems tobe pointing out to her, but for now it’s…nice, to feel like peoplewant her around. Even when Sera passes out face down in Selenes lap,and has to be carried back to her rooms.

[elsanna-shenanigans]

April Contest Submission #18: I'm Sorry

Words: ca. 1,600 Setting: Canonverse AU Lemon: no CW: angst

Elsa hugged herself not because of the cold. Her Majesty stood at the chamber’s balcony, viewing the fjord in her purple nightdress. She had been here for countless nights, where she relished the silent night to be deep in her thoughts. As the Queen, she had a lot to ruminate about. From the members of the councils, facing her subjects, to the trade deals from other kingdoms, all those things were quite a burden for the lone monarch. But it was not always about the kingdom’s affair she was pondering about.

Her little sister came to mind. Anna had been in her thoughts lately. Ever since they reunited three years ago, she and Elsa were unseparated. From the beginning of dawn to the sparkling stars of night, they spent time together whenever Elsa was free. But the elder sister had Queen duty to attend which limited the time Anna could spend with her sister.

Because of that, Anna slowly took a part in the kingdom’s affair. In the beginning, she only did light-weighted tasks, like organized letters, and started slowly since she didn’t get the proper preparation like her elder sister did. But Anna was able to catch up to speed with the help of Gerda and the Queen herself. And now, she assisted Elsa on a daily basis.

Elsa was grateful that her sister willingly wanted to help her. She couldn’t deny that being the queen can be lonely and having her sister along broke the monotony. She finally had a companion to talk with.  Since Anna was the most trusted person, they freely gossip about everything and talked about the kingdom’s confidential information without afraid of being leaked.

However, Elsa noticed that she saw Anna more than her sister. Every time they met, she felt calm and peaceful. Her heart filled with love and contentment. No one had ever affected her like this. Was this what it felt like to fall in love with? Perhaps.  One thing for sure, this feeling grew each day.

Elsa opened up her feelings to Anna last year after a maelstrom of anxiety she went through. Miraculously, Anna too had the same feeling with her. Since then, their bond grew forevermore. It was good and all but she was uncertain about their relationship and wondering where it could lead them.

Suddenly, a pair of arms with green sleeves wrapped around her body. Elsa sensed warmth on her back and soft lips pressed onto her neck.

“Elsa, is everything alright?”

It was Anna. She might have noticed the absence of her elder sister in bed. She always worried about Elsa.

“I’m fine, Anna.”

“I know that’s not true. You’re hugging yourself in the middle of the night. I know you’re thinking about something.”

Her sister knew herself very well. No lies could ever pass from her.

“Is it about us?” said Anna.

Her body tensed when Anna guessed that she thought correctly. Was she easily readable like a book? She trained all her life to be queen, hard to read. Poised and regal.  Conceal, don’t feel.

For Anna to guess what she was thinking felt like an insult to all those years of training. Then again, Anna was her sister, and knowing her deep down should be expected.

“Elsa?”

Her train of thought halted when a soft voice called her name.

“You didn’t answer me,” she hugged tighter as if their body melding together as one.

“Anna,” her back being pressed by Anna’s chest made her voice hitch. More so the thought that she was about to say. It made it difficult to express it. “I was thinking about us.” The amount of courage she had to muster to say those words. Far more difficult than any negotiation deal she ever made.

“What about us?” she spoke in a low, gravel voice. It sent shivers down to Elsa’s spine.

“It’s difficult to say,” said the queen, pathetically.

“Elsa, turn around and look at me.”

Elsa turned as she demanded. As she turned, she saw a frowned redhead. She could see the inner rage in her sister’s eyes.

“Elsa, you don’t need to hide anymore. You can speak out if anything is bothering you. Especially about us.“

“But Anna. I want to but I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”

“It’s okay, Elsa. Just say it. I’ll understand.”

Elsa closed her eyes to relax. Her heartbeats soared, filled with anxiety. She took a deep breath, expanding her chest. She held it for a while before releasing it through her nose.

“Anna, I want to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“I’d been thinking about us for a while now. Every day, I imagine how beautiful our life would be when we’re together. Ruling the kingdom with prosperity. Raising our children together. The last person we see before fall asleep and the first to see when we wake up. But…”

“But what?”

Her voice was failing her again. Her mouth opened but the words would not come out. Anna looked intently. She waited for her answer. Her heart beats even faster. Thousands of thoughts flooded into her mind. The possible reaction of her sister. Was she going to be mad? Maybe she would not want to talk to her. Either, all those options were not compelling to Elsa.

“But what, Elsa?”

Anna’s voice woke her from anxiety. There’s no turning back now. She was waiting for Elsa’s answer. Like or not, she had to tell her. For her sake and possibly Anna too.

“Anna, I want to break up with you.”

Silent. Anna’s face went neutral. No emotion came out from the very open person. Elsa hated to see this. Her feisty little sister became emotionless. If that was not bad enough, a trail of tears came down her cheek.

“Oh,” was Anna’s only reaction. The tear poured faster and started to sniffle.

Elsa’s protective instinct kicked in. She hugged her sister, resting Anna’s face onto her shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Anna. I’m sorry. I want to make this work but I just can’t.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” she managed to speak while her voice tightened. “We can still be sisters. It was silly of me to think this could go any further.”

“No, Anna. Please don’t blame yourself. Blame me. I’m the one who wants to end.”

“I can’t. I can never blame you, Elsa. I respect all the decisions that you make, even sometimes I don’t understand them. But I always believe you had a good intention in mind.”

“Anna, you’re too good to me. Sometimes, I don’t deserve you.”

“That’s because I love you. Both good and bad. I accept you wholeheartedly without a single doubt.”

“Anna.” Elsa hugged her beloved sister even tighter. She had the best sister and lover she could ever wish and yet, she hurt her again. Is this what it is like to be human? Hurting each other’s feelings? Deep done she didn’t want to but she couldn’t help it.

They embraced each other for a while. Her little sister was still sniffing her tears but had slowed down.

I’m sorry, Anna.

“April Fools.”

Anna lifted her head to face her sister, “What?”

“It’s already midnight. The first of April. I just pranked you about the breakup,” said with a sly smile.

Anna blinked to process what Elsa just said. But slowly, her features started to change. Eyebrows were knitted close, eyelids squinted, the lips tighten with a tense jaw.

“Elsa!” she headbutted her forehead on Elsa’s chest. “Don’t scare me like that.”

“I wouldn’t if you didn’t do that to me a year ago.”

“I wasn’t serious back then. You could tell that I was holding back my laughter.”

“But I fell for it and sulked for the rest of the  week.”

“Served me right for pranking our breakup.”

“Yes, you are.”

A moment of silence for both of them. Elsa rubbed her little sister’s back to soothe her. Anna snuggled tighter as a response.

“You stinker.”

“I know,” Elsa defended herself. “So, are we even now?”

“I guess so. Please don’t do that again. Our bond has gotten stronger since then. Hearing that now almost gave me a heart attack.”

“That I can promise, my love. Do you want me to do anything as an apology for pranking you?”

She hummed while thinking about the apologies. Then she lifted her head, “Say that you love me,” Anna demanded. “Say it, out loud.”

A simple demand but her anxiety hit her yet again. No more fooling around. She had waited for this long enough.

“Anna, I…,” Elsa dropped to her knee, pulled out a box, and presented to Anna, “Will you marry me?”

“Wait, what? Is this another April’s Fool joke?” she voiced in speculation. Who would not when they just got pranked a moment ago.

“No, Anna. This is real. Sorry I had to prank you early. It was bad of me to do that to you. For that, again, I’m sorry. But this is real. I realized you’re the one that I’ve been looking for. The one that I want to spend the rest of our lives together. No one that I want to be with other than you.”

Anna clasped her mouth with her hand. Another tear but this was different. Good kind of tear. A tear where she was overwhelmed with happiness. Such a sight to behold. Her sunshine smiled brighter than a thousand suns.

"You mean it? To be with me for the rest of our life?”

“I do, Anna.  Will you marry me?”

“Yes, I will! Gosh, Elsa.”

Elsa pulled the ring out of the box. She held her little sister’s hand and glides the ring along the finger. She rose back up only to receive the tight bear hug from the young queen.

“Thank you, Elsa.”

“You’re welcome, Queen Anna.”

[frnajdi]

How do I raise my self esteem and prevent laziness? What do I do if I'm feeling distant from Allah swt..? Please help and make sincere heartfelt Du'aa for me.

salam.

Im sorry for the burden of your struggles, inshallah it eases. you’re in my most heartfelt duaas. Everything below is definitely a reminder to myself before it is such to you or anyone else who may come across this. 

Raising self-esteem and preventing laziness go hand in hand so i’m glad you included them in the same question, bc there is an undeniable correlation between them. raising self-esteem will in turn raise your will-power if you allow it to, but it is a process. it won’t happen in a week, or even a month. it needs time, so inshallah, you can take that time and do what you need to do which is reflect. Reflect on your worth and value, because you are valuable-undeniably. reflect on Allah(swt) and what beauty was involved in His creating of you particularly. take time to reflect on your character and habits. you must be completely and utterly transparent with yourself when you do this. inshallah things fall into place quickly in this regard. strengthening your will-power comes with practice and by practice, i mean practice your life with will-power at all times (to the best of your abilities at each moment). if you’re going to eat, take control of what and when and how much you will eat. if you’re going to sleep, take control of how long you will sleep. if you’re going to spend time for yourself in doing something frivolous, take control of the time you spend. it is a trait that grows stronger by practicing at all times. of course, making duaa for strength and will-power (or any desired trait, really) helps tremendously as i’ve experienced myself. it’s a constant battle, inshallah kheir, but simply start your day with a resolution (e.g. “I will not sin”, “I will not waste time”, etc.). Imam Khomeini has mentioned multiple times in his books, that simply talking to yourself and reconditioning in this way is extremely helpful in fighting procrastination, laziness, lethargy, etc. 

In regards to your second question, there is a whole host of things to try and accomplish when we are in this state but unfortunately when we are in that position, it can all seem very intimidating, so I’d suggest working on self-esteem and will-power first, that way working towards Allah(swt) won’t seem so impossible and tasking. Though, try talking to Him, even about silly things throughout your day, be in constant conversation with Him. If you’re upset with yourself for not having done things you had wanted to do, complain to Him, anything goes. It is a relationship and relationships need to be taken care of-conversing is a way to do that. Perhaps fasting may help (in a complete way-your limbs, speech, and all), which will also in turn help strengthen your will-power. it’s recommended to fast Mondays and Thursdays if you’re interested. Also, below are the steps to completing faith in Allah swt, which in turn allow for a complete and balanced life-style. it is a lifelong journey and struggle, alhamdulillah, because there is an infinite amount of space between our souls and God.

The Steps to Having Complete Faith in Allah (swt):

1. Iqrar: Admitting our limitation, and that God is unlimited.

2. Marifah: Confirmed knowledge, confirm His existence and that Allah is the unlimited Creator, in every way, and He is Perfect.

3. Aqid: Commitment of the heart to fulfill my purpose in life in accordance to Divine Decree

4. Ridha: Contentment in that anything that Allah decrees in laws or in trial.

5. Tasleem: submission becomes the result of all of the above. 

-The above are actions of the heart, and once they are restfully accomplished, your desired physical/spiritual actions will manifest. Indeed we act based on what is in our hearts.-

Inshallah with time and practice, and surely with the will to do this, it is all entirely possible and all doors of opportunity and potential are open to you and the rest of us. God willing. Take great care. and also, please forgive my late response.