#ACfeedback

[artcupcakes]

Thanks for being chill then!! I’m gonna leave a very long detailed review on the actual fic itself, but for now here is the preliminary (critique) overview.

Buckle up, AC;; this is kinda picky of me to be pointing this out. I am BY NO MEANS a trained author! Just putting that there.

So I only spot,, about three typos. If you meant them that way, of course!

Carving (divide, engrave) < Craving (longing, hunger)

Withdraws (take away, verb) < Withdrawals (can refer to drugs, noun)

Revenant (revived) < Reverent (respectful, awe)

(I thought “contentions” was a typo but turns out there’s a second definition to it. The more you know.) That’s sort of a minor thing though, the rest of my complaints are just quality of life things!

Awwww AWWWWW “his soul sang at its rightness?” bruhhhhh that’s so cute dude ughhhhghhghhhh in my opinions, how amazing a fic is would be measured by the emotions it elicits from the reader. When I read this particular line, I felt something akin to a punch of pure fluff. No joke, that means it’s really good.

So when writing, you want to try and not use the same word twice in a single sentence! (and if more experienced, connecting paragraphs count, too)

For example: “The ending might be close, but the new beginning was also just as close.” < “—just over the horizon.”

Same thing goes for metaphors and similes (imagery)!

“Which might be why his soul sings upon seeing the rare visiting heisters, It only made sense.” (WHICH IS SUPER ADORABLE BY THE WAY) < “—why his heart flutters in his chest upon catching a glimpse,”

Preference: I normally refer to the characters with different terms so it doesn’t feel quite as redundant. Like for Dallas: “Mastermind, Crew Chief, the leader, the heister, the veteran (uncommon), the caporegime (rare)”

Bain is my favoritest FAVORITE and he gets a lot more: “the hacker (case sensitive, capital refers to Joy), the navigator, the contractor, the guide, the veteran (rare), the Watcher (unused)”

(There’s a neat trick you can do with this: the way the characters refer to each other! My version of Dallas calls Bain “their navigator,” and likewise the hacker thinks “his colleague.”)

I really enjoy gen fics, THANK YOU OP for writing this! Also the dude is stinkin’ touch starved I love it hehdidjsjskxn

(I’m aware that it’s kind of ironic; me screaming at grammar and immediately swapping over to spamming keys. If I were writing myself, I would say I was “alternating/oscillating between the differing states.” The best way I’ve described this imo is as follows: “blinking on and off like some kind of defective binary code.”)

Last thing, most sentences can be combined using commas; semicolons are used when a sentence can technically end but you want to add something more.

AAAHAHHH the hopelessness is STRONG in this one! I NEED MORE PLEASE YEAAAHHHH

ESPECIALLY THE FIRST FEW SENTENCES!!! which I rewrote for you because I really really REALLU LIKED IT

“No matter what you do, death would always come to claim your soul, in the end. It was inevitable, eventually happening to everyone, with no exceptions.

Bain had known this unchangable fact ever since he had the ability to understand his circumstances.

His plans were meticulously lined up, and he had made peace with the situation. And yet, there is a stark dissonance between what he believes and what he does. The navigator would quietly panic about it as his remaining days steadily ticked down to zero. Dread pooling in his gut as the date ceaselessly approached.”

Bain knows that his relationship with them is far too close for it to be classified as strictly business, but he doesn’t care. YESSSSS OP THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING YATAAAAAAHHHHH

All in all, REALLY GOOD for your first post!!! NICE

Spelling, truly my oldest and worst enemy(Yet Grammar as whole I do pretty alright. One of my best subjects even).

Some of your rewrites are a bit too wordy for my taste; but that's a taste thing more than anything. Also me being a scatter brain but that's not the point! I'm so glad you the fic enough to show your passion by wanting to see it to be more! :D

As well as liking that the characterizations. That was something I worry about.

I'll make sure to not over use the names next time. It's a bit harder to do with a character like Bain instead of say Dallas(Nathan, Steele[and all of it's various additions that can be added such as Elder and The], Crew Chief, Banker, Mastermind, Medic, etc) but I'll see if I can scramble my brain eggs!

Either way really glad you liked it ^u^

[artcupcakes]

Yooo yooo yoo, dude, homie, buddy. Is that. A NEW FIC AAAAAAHHHHH ITS ABOUT MY BOY AAAAAGGHHH

I dunno if english is your first language? But this is like really good, has no business being THAT thought-out for your first post!!!

YEAH YEAH Jiro does in fact refer to the gang as his “new family” in one of the Kento trailers! I love your attention to detail, in fact, I love your ideas so much that uhhhh is it okay if I rewrite the first few paragraphs of this fic??? (I say this, waiting to send you the new sentences and metaphors I came up for them)

op, I’m gonna be honest with you. I do have a few gripes about the way you presented it, (not the concept itself!) but I don’t know if. If you are doing this as a hobby or working towards self-betterment. I know some people are emotionally hurt by constructive criticism, and that’s okay! Know your limits, definitely.

That being said, is it fine if I give my advice/opinions on your fanfiction? I would hate to insult you in any form, so I want to make sure. I’m being careful, see?

Oh yeah feel free, It's my first fic as long as you don't emotionally crush me at every chance you get I'd be more than willing to hear.

Of course First fic being used loosely, I got a whole vault of stuff I've written that I never finished or just never showed anyone for one reason or another. It's mostly been just a fun hobby I do as a way to do something creative when my brain doesn't want to draw. But that doesn't mean I don't want to better it.

It might not be my main focus but I do enjoy seeing improvement in my work. Helps me be my best self and fulfills something in the back of my mind to know I'm not stagnating

But yeah English is my first(Currently only as well but I'm trying to expand that) language.

Though I did took a lot of writing courses as a kid, and my mom's a teacher so I guess that might've rubbed off(But not her handwriting or math skills)

I can understand why the presentation might not be the best I can get a little, uh, scatter brained when writing and have trouble with paragraph's at time(I know a good theory behind it, I just have issues getting my brain to actually uh use that knowledge. I'm not sure if that makes sense).

I'm also aware I have a repeating words problem. Most of the time my brain just uh get's bent on certain phrases and doesn't want to let them go like an angry dog so I try to clean it up into something a bit more fancy looking(Something that can be past off as a stylistic choice).

I did not know HTML before this, so I image the italics might be a bit wonky. (Thank god Bandit is an amazing friend who helped me)

As for the detail comment? Thank you ^u^. I really like making things(Whether it be art or story) that you can come back to and notice something new. Also hyperfixation commands me try to know stuff down to the detail(While also being detrimentally lazy in other areas lmao)

So yeah feel free!

And thank you for the feedback ^u^