#ALEXANDER J NEWALL PLEASE. WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME

[sh4rkfinn]

here’s my live tmagp 8 reaction (SPOILERS):

you are here…..

this would have me pissing myself actually like- damnit i was gonna say i would throw myself out of the window

evil beauty and the beast low key HE WHAT.

BRO. WHAT THE FHCK. THIS IS INSANE.

listen i’d jump too.

NOBODY NOTICED THEIR ABSENCE BRO ???

“something’s going on around here” NO SHIT.

oh my god sam. oh my god sam.

gerry….gertrude….podcast… georgie….. oh my god…..

i am going off the deep end….. gerry……….

WHAT THE FYCK THATS IT ????????? WHAT THE FUCK. I NEED EVERY EPISODE TO BE LIKE 12 HOURS LONG FUCK

i need to listen again i don’t think i paid attention hard enough….

[sleeping-archivist]

my reactions to ep 12 (with spoilers):

pre-statement:

• first of all, this came out like an hour early for me and so i listened to it while walking TO latin. more bonzo lore is not the way i wanted to start my morning :(

• the title… uhhhh what

• secret tunnel?????? do you perhaps have a goofy librarian in your secret tunnel?????

• this may just be me reaching but it seems like the TMAGP crew has been more coffee-based… and celia went with tea… which was very TMA of her 👀

• sam ilysm

• …what’s complicated celia 🤨 what do you need to sort out first celia?????

• alice dyer my light my love. “a cup of liquid” sent me

• “you know it’s rude to have absolutely no game?” i am somehow both alice AND sam rn

• please i wanna read the “magnus institute re: samama khalid - massive conspiracy” case 👀

statement:

• carlisle street??? …like flesh guy toby carlisle? like other flesh guy benjamin carlisle?

• respectfully i know they have to conform to the format but also hearing “submitted. submitted. submitted” over and over drove me a lil bit insane

• yellow and purple lunch box… it’s not getting better from here is it

• the real horror of this ep was the comic sans on the cd 💀

• this is probably not an actual connection but the ongoing murder music made me think of grifter’s bone…

• RIP joey the doorman :(

• did not enjoy listening to the following section at 9:30 in the morning 🤢

• “…unfolding the groom’s head with another flowering explosion of blood” alexander j newall you will be hearing from my therapist <3

• rotten foam??????

• …coquettishly???? 🤡 🎀

• “bonzo? bonzo bonzo?” …ok i know i’ve been complaining about mr bonzo this whole time but this was the funniest bit of the whole ep

• why weren’t the cameras working 👁️ 👁️

• please pay her… let her go to therapy…

post-statement:

• aight so this was definitely the result of the letter that she delivered… poor gwen :(

• “jesus christ…” “i go by alice now, actually” alice dyer the woman you are. i would die for u

• “are you, like, actually okay?” i’m WAITING for this enemies to lovers arc. pleaseeeeeee please please

• “there’s something wrong here” well shoutout to gwen, she got there quicker than jon did

• “i don’t wonder. i know” ALICE. WHAT DO YOU KNOW. SHARE WITH THE CLASS

• “it’s all part of a grand plan to satisfy one of the most unspeakable evils known to mankind…” ok but like. is it??? is it really???? is that not what it is?????

• “the UK government” alice rlly said the real horror = the british and i love her for it <3

• aaaaaaaaaa i can’t believe i have to wait another week until the next ep. devastating news

[aromanthur-lester]

Some of my favourite tma scrotocol stream moments (mostly paraphrased because i was writing them down in real time):

*when talking about pipes in tape recorders* “there’s a little boiler there” “WHERE ARE THEY GOING”

*alex writing down 200 things in artefact storage in case it comes in handy (it never does) and never telling johnny*

sam: you know what it’s like to hold your finger on ominous sound nr 1 for an hour? it takes an hour!

alex: so many people are going “sam can we have ominous sample nr 1 please?”

“it’s very fun to do horrible horrible things that make you feel sick” “yes it’s very fun! that’s why we love to do it :)” - alex and helen

*sasha and johnny talking about the cats and everyone being sad that the cats don’t know we changed to winter time*

johnny: aaaarghhhh…

*pause*

helen: is that it johnny?

alex: [elias] wouldn’t crush a car between his tights!

“bubbling horrors” - helen

“and that’s all i can say because i now see the dot? i know you can’t see it because my video doesn’t work but. the little sniper dot?” -johnny

“alex is stopping me from naming one of the main characters alexander j newall”

“I’M NOT GONNA PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES, JOHNNY”

“it’s bad for the seo! i know it’s bad for the seo! i TORPEDOED my own!”

“i’m not a PuZzLe SoCiEtY member! a da vinci dude?” - alexander j newall

“right now there are dozens of potential michaels”

and, honorable mentions:

“martin. marrrrrtin. marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtin. mahtin? marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtin.”

“leg” - the chat

“tmautism” - also the chat

(yes i have more)

[m3rkur3]

i think this article has a lot of important things to say but does a bad job of saying them

I think something I find very weird about this article is the fact that its titled the way it is. like why is AJN in the title? It’s clickbaity and a little unprofessional. And I don’t even disagree with 99% of what it’s saying, the likelihood that 90% of the story is true is quite high. However, there are so few sources that can actually be traced back. There’s some very unneeded speculation. Alexander J Newall being targeted only in the title with nothing in the article really blaming him for anything is just weird. he's the ceo, yes, but you have placed your (named) blame within the article almost entirely on this one callum dougherty.

The fact that it was retweeted by a former TMA voice actor is pretty compelling. And the fact that former people who worked with Rusty Quill whether as volunteers or staff can attest to their poor communication. And bad practices in general. I mean I pretty much do believe a lot of it. Just I find the lack of concrete evidence within the article and the lack of good journalistic practice to detract a lot from the message of the article.

Also names of characters in TMA as pseudonyms feels very unserious. When I reached the bit that was talking about Georgie and Melanie I was like come on please be for real. like this is serious business😭. also I’m seeing the author does a freelancing work with another podcasting company and it’s been argued that they were only freelancing so it’s not that big of a deal. But I don’t know I don’t like that.

Either way the people we really need to think about other people affected by rqs bad practices. I think it really is just incompetence. But they could really really really do better. Also the fact of the author is blocking anyone with any criticism on Twitter??? I don’t think that proves anything other than that they do not know how to make their article look good. That coupled with the weird journalistic choices and the caption they put on their Twitter ("make your statement face your fear" LMFAO?! how unnecessary! again, be serious!) it really does make them look less credible even though in reality the article has legs.

at the end of the day i think it just needed more time. i get the point of releasing this as soon as possible to give fans much needed info on what their fav company is doing in the midst of their kickstarter (lmfao idk i find that quite funny) just… it wasn't done very well or with much thought as to how to actually deal with people who disagree. and by “well” i mean you cannot release an article full of unverifiable info with your (admittedly not TOO damning) background and not one first hand verifiable quote and expect no “hmmm…”s. cuz the author is out here blocking people lmfao. not for disagreeing with the points in the article but for saying “hey i'm not sure you have put much thought into how you wrote this!”

i also think it's very annoying the way people are in the comments of podcasters working under rusty quill talking about the article saying "but u can't say other people didn't experience this!!!' they're not saying that brother. they're responding directly to the “podcasters under rq won't say anything bc theyre not allowed!!!!!” portion of it which i would respond to, too, like don't be silly. like fuck u niggas no one can fucking gag me dont say that😭. again again again… i am very very VERY inclined to believe almost everything in said article. i just find its release into the world and its writing to be a little… subpar. better than nothing i guess. tho is it? people have literally been saying everything here about rq for a while. save the suing and contract stuff i think and even then, you cannot bring up something as serious as SUING and not elaborate lmao! good concept bad execution imo. anywaysssss

I don’t know I just feel like it’s a little bit juvenile for what it’s meant to be and what I think it’s meant to be is an important expose which actually says important things but does it weakly.

TLDR; this article has a lot of important things to say about rusty quill's bad practices but it does it in ways that are very unprofessional. Speculation and the clickbaity title and the lack of concrete sources and twitter caption and the author whose freelance work may or may not be relevant to disclose in an article about their ex-clients competition and the substitution of anonymous names with characters from the Magnus archives. They all paint a picture of a very inexperienced writer whose work amounts mostly to an opinion piece. However I am inclined to believe the allegations made in said article for the reason that there have been a lot of people who previously worked with rusty quill saying the same thing. or mostly the same thing. I just think this article uncovered very little new information and something about it seems mean-spirited, almost as if it was for something that isn’t just the betterment of the affected peoples conditions. But that’s just speculation 😛and honestly just my feelings, not backed up by anything. For me this is more an exercise in analysing an article in general than it is analysing the situation at hand. I’m a writer at heart I’m sorry

[sapphireswimming]

What's one piece of media that you've loved this year, and why would you recommend it to others?

ahhhh well I couldn't just pick one, so in addition to these, some underrated new-to-me highlights from the past year include:

Rusty Quill Gaming (2015-2022) - 221 episode actual play podcast

The Erasing the Line campaign follows members of the London and Other London Outstanding Mercenary Group (or LOLOMG) as they realize that their mission to recover the world's first self-replicating automata has further reaching ramifications and more worrying connections than they ever could have predicted

GM'd by Alexander J Newall (with several players also from The Magnus Archives) and set in an alternate 19th century where Albert Einstein is a scatter-brained professor of teleportation, Rome is The Worst, romance novels are plot important, and favorite antagonists include blokes and/or lads, squizards, and Mr. Ceiling. Fantastic world building, some of the most excellently crafted angst I've come across in a long time, and just a real joy to listen to. Complete

The Rise of Phoenixes (2018) - 70 episode Chinese live action show

Feng Zhiwei is swept into court life without knowing her true identity, and into the plans of the patient, cunning Sixth Prince Ning Yi, reentering the palace after an unjust imprisonment since childhood and determined to obtain vengeance for his murdered mother and brother

A gorgeous production with incredible sets, costumes, and cinematography. Really well developed characters and a carefully intricate plot full of political intrigue, realistically rising stakes, choices with consequences, shifting alliances, murders, and betrayals. Reminiscent in parts of The Count of Monte Cristo and The Scarlet Pimpenel. The last few episodes weren't quite what I'd hoped (I think when it started deviating from the book it was based on?) but until then every single moment of it was *chef's kiss* for me

Second Star To The Left (2021) - 10 episode podcast

Gwen Hartley and her fellow scouts are sent on one-way missions to explore and prepare new planets for potential settlement, with only a faithful bot at their side and a scout minder back at HQ to provide long-distance support and a connection to home

I discovered this show through co-creator E Jade Lomax (of Beanstalk, Stay?, and Harry Potter rewrite fic fame) and it's every bit as good as expected. Makes excellent use of the medium. Poignant sci-fi filled with exciting discoveries, the power of story telling, adorable robot companions, unforeseen disasters, frantic troubleshooting, wishing you could do more to help, and realizing that sometimes you can do more to help and the way to do that is crime

The Terror (2018) - 10 episode miniseries

Envisions what might have happened to the crews of The Terror and Erebus during the failed 1845 Franklin Expedition to find the Northwest Passage as they're beset by misfortune at every turn - faulty provisioning, poor leadership choices, mutinous crew members, and supernatural forces beyond their understanding

Incredibly well done, about as historically accurate as they could get, and with new layers of foreshadowing, symbology, and parallels at every turn. However. There's so much supernatural horror, wilderness survival, gore, death, and cannibalism that I can't, like, actually recommend this to anyone I know? Like, it's very good but it's also just. So Much so if you're thinking about starting this one, please know what you're getting into first

"Season 2" (The Terror: Infamy) is a completely separate, unrelated mini-series set in an American settlement camp during WWII

Mononoke (2014) - 12 episode anime

Follows the unnamed wandering medicine seller as he encounters mononoke and investigates the supernatural events they cause until he uncovers their motivations and the knowledge necessary to exorcise them before it's too late

Apparently a spin off of the horror anthology Ayakashi: Samurai Horror Tales, it's a collection of five stories that combine mystery, folklore, history, horror, and the supernatural. It's impressively stylized and theatrical, and has one of the most unique art styles I've ever seen animated. A very interesting watching experience. Subbed only

The Mechanisms' Ulysses Dies at Dawn (2013) - 1 hour musical

A re-imagining of The Iliad and Odyssey set in a labyrinthine city controlled by Olympian mob bosses who will do whatever it takes to get their hands on the mysterious weapon in Ulysses' secret vault, which is rumored to threaten their ill-gotten immortality

My favorite (so far) of The Mechanisms' musicals. They're a UK group styled as an immortal band of space pirates, whose shows incorporate their roles in retold legends set across distant galaxies. They're extremely imaginative and clever, especially in the way they rework traditional folk songs like The Rocky Road to Dublin for Heracles' backstory and Poor, Wayfaring Stranger for one of this show's closing numbers. The Narrator is played by Johnny Sims of The Magnus Archives fame

[hyperfixationspam]

jonmartin voice requests transcript

i don’t think anybody’s made a transcript of the requests from the gaming & giving stream yet so here it is. i cut out the first few minutes where they’re just getting ready and a few minutes at the end, but otherwise it’s the full thing

ALEX (out of character): So, we are going to be going through a bunch of reads which are what people have been, basically providing us to say. I’ve not seen these beyond checking that I can open the document, so this is sort of, a bit of a blind read on my end.

JONNY: I’ve read through some of them and they are awful.

ALEX: (laughing) Fabulous. Great. So with that in mind, I’m now opening it up. Um... okay, cool, so for the first one, you- I need to interrupt you. (frustrated) Oh, fine.

JONNY: Okay, so this is from donut_bridgetrose. (spooky voice) The Magnus Archives is a podcast-

ALEX (ooc, very loud and overenthusiastic): FUCK, DUDE! YEAH IT SURE IS!

(Jonny starts laughing out of shock)

ALEX: I thought that was an appropriate level of enthusiasm.

JONNY: (laughing) Sorry, I didn’t expect you to put quite so much pepper on that one!

ALEX: I mean, I don’t know what to say like-

JONNY: No, fair enough, fair enough.

ALEX: I’m just reading with (???) intent. I’m up next, who’s this one from?

JONNY: Uh, reatx.

ALEX: Okay, given the writing of this one, I’m going to assume this is actually intended as a Martin one, not an Alex one, so I’ll do it as such. (clears throat to do Martin voice, disappointed tone) Jon, please j-just stop reheating tea in the microwave!

JONNY: The next one is from sofairycakes. Again, I’m gonna assume it’s a- like, I think these are all pretty much JonMartin ones, to be honest. I don’t think anyone’s actually said- the thing is, Alex, I don’t think anyone actually cares what *we* say.

ALEX: (laughs) That’s true. So I think we need to do this one like-

JONNY: No one’s paying to have, like, Alexander J. Newall say something, you know?

ALEX: It’s fine, I’ll pay me. Okay, I think we have to do this simultaneously.

JONNY: Yeah, because it says “both.” Or... let’s- do you want to go first?

ALEX: I don’t know if it is- no, let’s say it together, let’s say it together. Let’s try and sync up.

JONNY: I don’t- I don’t think they want it simultaneously. I think what this means is they don’t mind which one’s which.

ALEX: Very well, in which case then, I’ll go first.

JONNY: Okay.

ALEX: And I’ll do it as a Martin one, then. (clears throat, Martin voice, soft) I-I’ll take care of you.

JONNY (Archivist): (hoarse, upset voice) It’s rotten work.

ALEX (Martin): Not to me. Not if it’s you. (ooc) There you go.

JONNY: Okay. Ac3yspac3y-

(Alex laughs)

JONNY: Or, ace 3 space 3.

ALEX: Okay, great.

JONNY: (clears throat)

ALEX: Yeah, really get the-

JONNY (ooc, looking straight at the camera): Four rats in a trench coat is the best Peter Lukas, and we love him.

ALEX: (laughs) Direct to camera address, very nice, okay. (as Martin) Jon, why isn’t Lonely Eyes *our* ship name? (ooc) Who was that from, by the way?

JONNY: That was from compostwitch. Next one is from theoceaninmotion, there’s a whole bunch for you.

ALEX: Ooh, yeah. Oh, my formatting’s terrible, I’m gonna do the unspeakable, I’m now just gonna start looking at the text instead of your face. (computer screen shines in his eyes) Ooh, that’s bright, maybe not, maybe not. Okay, gimme a second to just mess with my formatting because I can’t see nothing.

JONNY: There’s very little like streaming to make you realize quite how absurdly pale you are after a year of just being inside.

ALEX: Outside is bad time. Right, okay, I’m gonna give this a go, then. Forgive me if I hesitate here, I’ll do my best. (clears throat) No, don’t-

JONNY: This is from- sorry. This is from theoceaninmotion.

ALEX (Martin): No, don’t click- Peter, just-just give me your phone, I’ll get the emojis set up, but I-I *refuse* to help you understand Elias’s texts any further from here. There are just some things I don’t need to know! (grossed out noise)

JONNY: This is from joeytwoeyes.

ALEX: I’m gonna assume Martin as well. (as Martin) Mm, assassins killing Elias? My favorite!

JONNY: This one is from nagev.

ALEX: Uhh. Alright, I think this one might be for me, like not a Martin one. (deep sigh) Harrison Campbell is my favorite author.

JONNY: This is one for me from riotcontrolcamp. (as the Archivist) Sometimes people will ask me about my life aspirations and I’m like, I don’t know, I thought I’d be in a car with my hand out of the tail light by now.

ALEX: (laughs) I like that one.

JONNY: This one’s from Cassidy.

ALEX (Martin): Forgive and forget? (very quickly shifts into a hysterical voice that’s very much not Martin’s) No! Resent and remember! (cackles evilly)

JONNY: From cucumberkale, this is a two hander.

ALEX: Oh, yeah, I’m first. (as Martin) I have done nothing wrong ever, on my life.

JONNY (Archivist): I know this and I love you. (ooc) Good little Parks and Rec reference there.

ALEX: Oh, yeah!

JONNY: From the bluescapegoat.

ALEX (Martin, mischievous): Jon, uh, did you hear about the explosion at the cheese shop?

JONNY (Archivist): What? What cheese shop?

ALEX: (wiggling eyebrows) Yeah, da brie [debris] was everywhere.

JONNY: (deep sigh) This apocalypse has officially gone on for too long. (ooc) This is from alfcommittingcrimes.

ALEX: (laughs) (as Martin) Hello, Jon. Apologies for the deception, but I would like to remind you I love you. (laughs)

JONNY: Aww.

ALEX: Cute reference.

JONNY: Um, this one’s from Monty. This isn’t actually-

ALEX: This is more of an instruction.

JONNY: They haven’t scripted anything, yeah. Um, okay. (as the Archivist) Martin, I’m very sorry for ever saying that I hated your tea.

ALEX (Martin): It’s okay. Some things are more important than tea. (ooc) There you go. I thought I’d go sincere-

JONNY (ooc): Oh no! Martin’s been replaced! (Alex laughs) Anyways, this one is from tomakeitworse and it’s for you, Alex. Well, as Martin, not as you.

ALEX (ooc): I mean it’s wrong, but okay. (as Martin) Oolong is the best tea.

JONNY: From shikashaman. (statement voice) Statement of Benedict Avalanche regarding clown milk. Statement begins. Honk.

ALEX: (laughing) I think that’s a call back to earlier this stream, so. (makes ok symbol) Very class act.

JONNY (ooc): One from ladymystree for me. (Sasha giggling in the background)

ALEX: I’m hearing giggling on your end, I think someone’s enjoying themself.

JONNY: No, it’s fine. They’re doing a cryptic crossword and I’m sure they’ve just stumbled across a-

ALEX: It’s really cryptic. Really cryptic. Yeah, it’s a cryptic giggle, alright. Carry on, then.

JONNY (Archivist): Ceaseless Watcher, evict this feline, Her Serene Highness The Empress Nyx from out of the *goddamn* Christmas tree.

ALEX: (laughing) I like that one.

JONNY (ooc): This is from myth_ac. (as the Archivist) Martin and I have this connection where we finish each other’s-

ALEX (Martin): Sentences!

JONNY (Archivist): Don’t interrupt me.

ALEX (ooc): (laughs) I quite like that one as well.

JONNY (ooc): Yeah, I don’t know what that one’s from, I recognise it. But it’s, uh, redderie. (as the Archivist) I’ve been asked why I changed my opinion on poetry. I do not know this. This information is unattainable such as it is. Not even my endless resources could solve such a mystery. No, I did not fall in love with a poet on purpose, next question. (Alex laughs) (ooc) This one’s from coinmaster. Uh, and it’s for you, Alex.

ALEX (Martin): Thank you so much for asking, Jon. My ideal date, uh, would be getting home after a long day, curling up next to a roaring fire and listening to Rusty Quill Gaming. It’s-it’s a podcast, it’s distributed by Rusty Quill.

JONNY (Archivist): Oh, yes, I’ve heard of it. It’s not very good. (roasting) Ohhhh!

ALEX: But it does have a Creative Commons attribution non-commercial sharealike 4.0 international license, so that’s quite cool, too. (ooc) (laughs) I may have riffed there, I apologise.

JONNY (ooc): It’s fine, it’s fine. We’ve said what they’ve asked us to say, anything additional is- that’s bonus. (Alex laughs) This one is from mstars, for me to read in statement voice.

ALEX: Oh! (laughs hysterically, tries to compose himself)

JONNY (statement voice): Why are you so far away in Galactonium? Hey, won’t you save me? Hold me, maybe? I just want to be your little clone baby.

ALEX: (laughs) And that’s in my head for the rest of the day.

JONNY (ooc): This is for you. I refuse to listen to it. I’ve- too many people have told me it’s good. Which means that-

ALEX: Automatically, yeah. Understood.

JONNY: Well, no, it’s just, like- I don’t want it stuck in my head. I’m aware, if I listen to it, it’s in my head forever, and I can’t risk that.

ALEX: You don’t want him- you don’t want Tim getting- well, Tim and Ben, you don’t want them living rent free there.

JONNY: They can’t win!

ALEX: Understood. Okay, in that case, then. (as Martin) Sorry, Elias, I can’t hear you, there’s a panopticon in the way! (ooc) Fair.

JONNY: One from b_ees. Another for you.

(TheBrothersMeredith in the chat: Coward)

ALEX: Oh no.

JONNY: Mm-hm.

ALEX (Martin): (grunt) I’m trying to sneak around in the Lonely, but I’m-I’m dummy thicc and the clap of my ass cheeks just- it keeps alerting the Eye!

JONNY: One from thequack04. (as the Archivist) I have had a very long day, I am very small, and I have no money, so you can imagine the stress I’m under. Square brackets this is a John Mulaney quote close square brackets. (Alex laughs) (ooc) One for you. Uh, from misssunflower94.

ALEX (ooc): I’m gonna assume this is for actually me.

JONNY: No, I think it is for Martin, because remember, Martin’s opinions on poetry.

ALEX: Uh, no, fair, actually, no, I take that back. You are correct, you are correct. (as Martin) I don’t know, I just- I’ve always found Oscar Wilde to just be a bit... overrated?

JONNY: One for me, from awildmeerie. (as the Archivist) Hello demons, it’s me, ya boy. (Alex laughs) (ooc) Um, (stumbles over the name) emperiocism. Sorry for that, emperiocism. Can Jonny sing/speak in his most serious Archivist voice? (serious Archivist voice, speaking) Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

ALEX: Oh, don’t- (incomprehensible frustrated noises) god.

JONNY (ooc): From marsmagnusandkbouchard, this is for you.

ALEX (Martin): (very angry) Fuck being the bigger person, I’m just- (feral) I’m just gonna start biting people!

JONNY: Excellent. One for both of us from zestymayos92.

ALEX (ooc): (laughing, tries to compose himself) (as Martin) The world ended, and that is super not poggers.

JONNY (Archivist): You’re right, Martin, very not poggers indeed. (ooc) One from catskeleton for you.

ALEX (ooc): That’s just- oh. (as Martin) Roses are red, violets are blue. I’m definitely not a ghost, and Jon, I love you.

JONNY: I have a really difficult one- this anonymous one is difficult because it says “in the style of Sailor Moon” and I’ve not seen many anime, um, animi, sorry, in my life.

ALEX (ooc): The plural is anipodes.

JONNY: And Sailor Moon is not one, so I have no idea what-

ALEX: As far as I am aware, if you want to do it representatively, your clothes need to fly off in a large elaborate explosion and be replaced with some kind of dress-based armor. But that may not be feasible.

JONNY (Archivist): (very awkward) I am the pretty Avatar who fights for the Eye and for knowledge! I am the Archivist, and now, in the name of the Ceaseless Watcher, I’ll punish you! (ooc) I... I don’t know.

ALEX: I think that might have been actually pretty decently close. It’s been a few years since I watched a Sailor Moon, so don’t hold me to that though.

JONNY: I’ve only ever seen silent gifs on... your Tumblrs or your Twitters. Anyways, this is from theraccoonfriend. (as the Archivist) Get out of my swamp. (ooc) Uh, from Kath, for you, Alex.

ALEX (Martin): I’m fine! Stop asking!

JONNY: From sunnyjordie, for you, Alex.

ALEX (Martin): Hey, would you help me out? I’m very gay and a few- and I’d like a few dollars. (ooc) I’m gonna do that again, I think I screwed it up. (as Martin) Hey, would you help me out? I’m very gay and I’d like a few dollars.

JONNY: Square brackets this is a John Mulaney-

ALEX (Martin): Square brackets this is a John Mulaney quote close square brackets.

JONNY: Um, from Linothy, for both.

ALEX (Martin): Please, pleeeease stop drinking tea by just putting the bag in your mouth and just chugging hot water.

JONNY (Archivist): I’m *cultured*, Martin. (ooc) And dang3rgrang3r, or dang 3er grang 3er. Uh, for both.

ALEX (Martin): God, Jon, why don’t you ever wear your own clothes?

JONNY (Archivist): I like your sweater! It makes me feel...

ALEX (Martin): It makes you feel like a thief!

JONNY (Archivist): No, it makes me feel *safe*.

ALEX (Martin): Aww, Jon...

JONNY (ooc): One from voidbean.

ALEX (Martin): I’m sorry, you were STABBED??

JONNY (Archivist): *Lightly* stabbed, I didn’t want to frighten you. (ooc) I think that’s a Brooklyn 99 one.

ALEX (ooc): Yeah, so do I, actually.

JONNY: Sarafifi24.

ALEX (Martin): Press X to pay respects.

JONNY: So from alfcommittingvoicecrimes, they’ve asked “sing chorus of Pump Shanty.” And the thing is, if you want to hear me singing the chorus of Pump Shanty, that is available on Bandcamp, Youtube, and Spotify. So, Alex, why don’t you do it?

ALEX (ooc): Okay, I have no idea so I’m gonna take a random stab in the dark.

JONNY: I’m very excited to hear it.

ALEX: With a tune that doesn’t even scan in terms of meter.

JONNY: No, like just- it’s a folk tune so just sing it like a folk. Sing it to an old folk tune.

ALEX: ...Yes.

JONNY: You know, an old folk tune.

ALEX: (to a tune that’s definitely not Pump Shanty) Pump me boys, let’s a-fly, down to hell and up to the sky. Bend your backs and break your bones, we’re just a million miles from home. (cringing) I have no idea what that should be-

JONNY: (trying not to laugh) Brilliant. No, that was it. You got it.

ALEX: Oh, wicked. I was worried for a moment.

JONNY: No, that was... uncanny, to be honest. We’ve got a few more that are from Nobles donations, so these don’t have specific donor names, so we can just go back and forth.

ALEX: The first one’s as Wilde. (as Wilde) I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I’m saying.

JONNY (Archivist?): Blartin, that is, Paul Blartin Martin Cop is on his segue and eye ass Jon is sitting on the handlebars. He is facing Blartin in a koala-esque embrace which is not quite an embrace but rather for structural support. His ass eyes are out and alert. He knows all. Petty theft perishes under their collaborative iron fist.

ALEX: (laughing incredulously) Okay!

JONNY (ooc): Do you want to do this one? I think- yeah.

ALEX: Okay, okay, sure. (deep breath, as Martin) Hey, you can do this. It’s been really, really rough, but you can do this.

JONNY (Archivist): Working at the Magnus Institute was like a four year game show called “Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?” but instead of winning money, you lose your bloody soul. (ooc) Okay. (as the Archivist) You’re a child, an infant. Your mocking is thus infantile. He’s not my boyfriend. This man is more to me than you could dream. He’s the moon when I’m lost in darkness and warmth when I shiver in cold, and his kiss still thrills me after a millennia. His heart overflows with the kindness of which this world is not worth of. I love this man beyond measure and reason. He’s not my boyfriend, he is all and he is more.

ALEX (Martin): You’re an incurable romantic.

JONNY (Archivist): (next request) He thinks I don’t notice, but the bodies in the hallway speak a clear language. Death is all around us, no one is safe. The signs all point in one direction: Martin’s totally sus.

ALEX (Martin): (noises of disbelief) O-okay, come on, I am innocent! How could you even think that??

JONNY: Martin was ejected.

ALEX (ooc): (laughs) I think that’s it.

JONNY: Yeah, I think that’s the list.

[memoirsofafuneralhousemouse]

Magnus 164 Live Blogging. Spoilers ahead, so tread carefully:

4 minutes in and I, a person with chronic eczema and (very mild, mind you) excoriation disorder, should probably NOT be listening to this.

I am absolutely going to keep listening to this.

I mean I'm not triggered yet and I survived Jane Prentiss and her worms so how bad can this be?

Besides I already trimmed my nails yesterday so no harm will be done today that wasn't done last week.

The flies are SENDING ME. I'm so mad I THOUGHT ANOTHER FLY HAD BARGED INTO MY ROOM BUT IT WAS THE SOUNDSCAPE.

I hate you, Alexander J. Newall.

The villagers are all xenophobic send post.

Jon: "Tiphoid Mary..."

Me: I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE! :D

Me: Oh wait I'm supposed to be serious this is a serious podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and liscenced under a Creative Commons attribution share-alike 4.0 international liscence

Jonny Sims really is out there saying fuck bigot and racist lives and commit arson huh.

Pick your fighter: The girl peeling herself alive with a razos vs. me scratching my itchy leg with my feel because I'm too busy typing this with my hands to free them.

Don't worry I cannot hurt myself it's already bandaged and I put jeans on :) but fuck that xenophobic asshole though.

This is gross and I want to puke thank God I did not eat anything before this.

Telling on your neighbours for being "infected" or not "pure enough"... Shoa vibes? Shoa vibes.

Seriously THE FLIES. I. Hate. The. Flies.

I understand why Martin yeets himself into the Lonely in order NOT to hear this. Damn you Jonathan.

Did Rotten Girl's pussy just POP out of her containment hazmat suit? Maybe so.

My hair tie just bursted as Jon ended the recording and the hair I so dutifully kept in my manbun covered my eyes and I SCREAMED because damnit this was a new hair tie but also fuck you Jonny.

God he brings the rest of us down.

Thank God is over.

"YOUR GUIDEBOOK" Martin I love you please don't die.

"It's infectious" this is so sad Beholding play Toxic by Britney Spears.

Martin: How much can you See?

Jon: They're taking the hobits to Isengard.

Jonapedia is my favourite thing out of this season I need to get the App on my phone for work.

JON BEING SO OFFENDED BY MARTIN LYING ABOUT HIS MIDDLE NAME BABY NO HE DOES HAVE ONE HIS NAME IS MARTIN POTASSIUM BLACKWOOD.

Martin Klaus Blackwood?

Martin Krispie Blackwood.

Martin Krystal Blackwood.

Martin Kahoots Blackwood.

Martin... I can't think of anything else.

Basira is HUNTING.

Basira is HUNTING?!?!

Jonapedia is being WILD this episode. GO OFF KING! 👏

Wait what do you mean you don't KNOW?!

Your only JOB is to KNOW things Jon that's what you DO.

You DRINK (not!tea) and you KNOW things what ELSE is your PURPOSE then you SOGGY SOCK.

"How is he?" Martin baby WHY.

Jon can't see inside of Sauron which I guess deserves a "sike"? I don't know I can't think of a meme for this I am brain dead right now.

My god these bitches married! Good for them. Good for them.

Jon can't See Anabelle Cane because her Big Dick Energy is really just that Big.

"What "was" London." Bro you don't have to pretend. We all know London is awful, Fearpocalypse or not.

Jon's wow I can't even he's cute (in a rat kind of way).

MARRIED.

"Well go slow for a while."

Me: *Insert Cat Crying meme*

So... y'all gonna use Helen's door as an Uber? Or...

Don't MISNAME HELEN YOU HEATHEN

"Crazy kids" he eats rum and raisin ice cream Helen he is 80.

"Brave New World" is a book that severely traumatised me in high school. Thank you Jonathan once again you are a beacon of fear in all the unexpected and ludicrous ways possible.

"All I did was refuse to help." In which I am an Avatar of the Distortion, apparently.

Helen being homophobic is really turning me on I'm sorry Imogen Harris I swear I'm a good person I swear–

Martin DON'T tell on Jon like this you traitor! You meanie! You little piece of gummy bear I can't be MEAN to Martin I physically CAN'T.

Jon is too OP to go into the Distortion. I have to laugh.

Helen really went both "I hate gay people" and "god I love these homo bitches" in this episode huh

Jon stop denying your adorableness you Know there's a lot of thirsty people out there who are incredibly turned on by crusty mediocre looking men who are prematurely graying and look like they haven't slept in a week.

Which is a good thing because I am one of those gremlin people who are prematurely graying and I think it's very sexy of me to be considered attractive or adorable by someone else.

I need a Martin in my life.

God I'm lonely.

My hair's in my eyes I can't take this anymore.

"Cruel, viscious monster"... sounds like Wife Material to me.

That's IT?! Is that ALL?! JONATHAN IS THAT ALL??? IS THAT ALL THERE IS FOR THIS WEEK??? JONATHAN I'M STARVING YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME?!?! J O N A T H A N

Very good episode. I like the gay people. 6/10 because the statement was absolutely disgusting but I can take it if it means I get to hear Martin.