#ALSO ALSO LOOK AT ENGIS LEGS OH MY GOD I FINALLY FIGURED OUT FOR TO DRAW SPREAD OUT LEGS HOLY GOD

[n00dl3gal]

Expiration Date (Father-Son Bonding AU Version)

More of the dad!Spy AU because I’m hooked, y’all. Thanks again to @thetriggeredhappy for spearheading the AU and letting me bounce ideas off of them.

As the name suggests, this is the AU version of the Expiration Date short. I recycle some of the dialogue, too. Basically everything is the same except I guess the final wishes bucket didn’t happen? Warnings for references to canon-typical violence and talks about death.

Reblogs are appreciated!

Spy flipped to the next page of the Spy Tech catalogue. His whiskey sat to the side- a rare indulgence. Typically, he stuck to his roots and drank wine. But with less than a hundred hours left… might as well live a little. 

There was a knock at the door, and Spy sighed. “Go away,” he yelled. Silence. Then the faint but unmistakable sound of a lockpick. In an instant, Spy stood, pulling out his knife. He opened the door to grab the intruder before- “Scout, there are easier ways to get my attention.” 

Scout smirked. “Gotta keep my skills sharp,” he replied, slipping the lockpick into his pocket. He sauntered in, arms behind his head. Spy shut the door.

Jeremy’s arms fell to his side as Raphael took off his mask. “So. Three days. You scared, old man?” Jeremy asked. His voice was light, but his face was contorted with concern. 

Raphael thought. “No, not scared,” he said finally. “Nor am I particularly surprised. I figured tumors would get me in the end, if not in this way.” 

Jeremy snorted. “Told ya you smoke too much.” 

The mirth was short-lived, however. “How about you?” Raphael offered. “Are you afraid, mon lapin?” 

“Nah, not really. But… I dunno, I have some regrets? Stuff I wish I could’ve done.” He scratched at his cheek. “Ask Miss Pauling out properly, finish fixing up that bike with Engie…'' His voice trailed off as his eyes widened. “Um. I-I would’ve liked to meet my Ma.” 

Raphael swore the tumors took him then, the way his heart froze. Every paternal instinct he had fired at once as Jeremy started to tremble. Jeremy took in a shaky breath. It wasn’t enough. The tears began as he croaked out “papa.” 

Raphael quickly pulled his son into a hug, removing his cap to smooth his hair. Jeremy sobbed into his chest. Raphael felt his own eyes water. “I was wrong. My death does not scare me, but yours, Jeremy… that would terrify any father.” 

“C’mon… at least we’re goin’ down together,” Jeremy joked, still crying. 

They couldn’t get off base without a proper ceasefire. Engineer was occupied with testing the teleporters with Medic. But three days was enough to make at least one of his son’s wishes a reality. “And before we do,” Raphael said, “we will be winning Miss Pauling over. Even if it’s just for one date. What do you say?” 

“Dad, you don’t-” 

“Let an old man fulfill his dying wish, s'il te plaît?” Raphael interrupted. Jeremy sighed, but he was smiling. “Then let’s get to work.” 

. . .

Scout blinked as Spy flicked on the light. This damn seat was too small- where the hell did he find a school desk like this, anyway? Scout shook his head, trying to focus on Spy’s dialogue. “Final question. You have a dinner date for seven. What time do you arrive?”

“Seven,” Scout answered automatically. “AM. Case the restaurant, run background checks on the staff. Can the cook be trusted? If not, I have to kill him. Dispose of the body, replace him with my own guy no later than 4:30.” He smiled. 

Spy grimaced. “Jeremy, that’s what you do when having a meeting with a known rival. I’m very glad you remembered, but that is absolutely not what you do in this scenario.” He glanced down at his death watch. “And we’re out of time.” 

Scout groaned, banging his head on the desk. “Then I have no hope, do I?”

“Hmm… the area you set up is fairly nice, but it’s all a matter of getting Miss Pauling here,” Spy said. “If you can figure that out, you might have a shot.” 

It was quiet as both men fell into thought. “Wait- holy crap, that’s it! Thanks Dad!” Scout yanked himself from the desk- not without some effort- and ran out of the training room. 45 seconds later, the briefcase alarm went off. 

Spy pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled. He had raised his boy better than this. And yet… well, the security booth would at least let him keep an eye on things. 

. . .

“I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken,” Miss Pauling said in a rush, gingerly pushing herself off of Scout. “Can we do this again?”

“Yeah! Yeah- wait,” Scout replied before pausing. “We can’t. I’m going to be dead.” 

“Wait, what?”

Light poured over them as Soldier lifted the bread monster’s corpse. “Good news! We’re not dying! We are going to live forever!” 

“I didn’t say that!” Medic yelled in the distance. Heavy held the monster up as Soldier and Sniper helped Scout and Miss Pauling stand. “I just said we’re not filled with tumors!” 

“Oh thank God,” Scout sighed, grinning. “So yeah, Miss Pauling, I guess it’s a date.” 

Miss Pauling had been smiling, but her expression suddenly fell. “Wait, you mean- oh, oh Scout, I’m flattered, but… you’re not really my type,” she said quietly. 

Scout felt like a bucket of cold water had been dumped down his pants. “Uh, wh- what is your type, then?” he asked awkwardly. 

Miss Pauling looked away, straightening her glasses. “More… feminine,” she replied. Her voice was barely audible. 

It took Scout a moment to fully process it. “Oh. Oh! Well that- I mean, that sucks for me I guess, but- um, well, if ya ever need a wingman or something-” 

She blinked, frowning at him. “Scout, are you- are you saying you’re not straight either?”

“Eh, labels, not really- I’m flexible,” he said dismissively. He shrugged, bouncing on his heels. “But yeah! Next time ya head to the Gravel Pit or something, lemme know, alright?”

“I would love to, but today’s my one day off this year. Maybe I can squeeze something in… oh, it looks like I’ll be seeing you on Wednesday,” she said. 

“Really?” “Yeah, that’s the day I have to feed the guy who pressed the briefcase alarm to my woodchipper.” 

. . .

As soon as it was obvious Scout and Miss Pauling were not dead, Spy walked away. The base had sustained heavy damage during the fight with the bread monster. Enough that a ceasefire was most likely inevitable. It would be tight, but Spy prided himself on working on a deadline. 

Jeremy’s regret about Miss Pauling might not have come to fruition, and there wasn’t much he could do about Engineer being preoccupied…

But there was one of his son’s dying wishes he could still fulfill.

Sequel? Sequel. Also fun fact: this fic totaled 1,111 words exactly.

[thesquishyrogue]

Rogue's relationships with the rest of the mercs

Scout:

Almost like a brother-sister relationship. They're always goofing off together, joking around, getting on Spy's nerves. Just being the chaotic force of the team. Scout constantly convinces Rogue to play baseball with him, especially after seeing that they both use bats as a weapon (albeit Rogue's has nails driven through it).

Scout: "Aw man, sick bat! Say, you ever actually played baseball? If not I could teach ya. Though, you should probably use a different bat. I'll let ya borrow one of mine!"

Soldier:

He's definitely sort of a weird uncle figure to her. She's always giggling at his ridiculous antics, and he's surprisingly protective of her. Although at the same time he's always impressed by her ability to fend for herself, and fight off men larger than her despite her size.

Soldier: "Hell yeah, look at her go! Kicking ass just like a true American! She makes me proud!"

Pyro:

Oh my goodness. These two. Rogue almost always puts on a tough attitude, especially around the other guys. But around Pyro? They're probably the only person Rogue will be a softie towards. They're constantly seen platonically hugging and cuddling, and Pyro loves when Rogue covers their mask in stickers. They always return the favor by covering her face. Once they come off she treasures them. The others will always comment on how adorable the two are, usually followed by Rogue telling them to fuck off.

Rogue: "If anything were to ever happen to Pyro, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself."

Pyro: (灬º‿º灬)

Demoman:

Their relationship is quite explosive, to say the least. When Demo isn't trying to get Rogue to try some of his alcohol (which always results in Rogue gagging and choking from the bitterness) they're always assisting each other on the battlefield. Mostly in the form of Rogue catapultng Demo's bombs at enemies with her slingshot. They always share a laugh when a BLU team member is blown to bits.

Demoman: "Boom, right in the head! Look at all that blood! Yer aim is getting better and better, lassie!"

Heavy:

Just looking at these two stand next to each other is almost laughable. With Heavy being incredibly larger than everyone and Rogue being incredibly smaller, he practically dwarfs her. He's extremely gentle with her though, and takes care of her in sort of a protective big brother kind of way. Whenever the team is lounging around, she's often either cuddled into him or resting her legs in his lap. He doesn't mind it. He's also let her beat him in arm wrestling numerous times. She knows he lets her win, but she still take the opportunity to boast to the other mercs about it.

Heavy: "Little girl is so strong. You've beaten me again."

Rogue: 😏😏😏

Engineer:

He's also like an uncle figure to her. But unlike Soldier, he's more of the chill laid-back uncle that she can go to for advice. And she often does. Sometimes when she's bored she'll go into his workshop and talk with him as he plays his guitar or she helps out with whatever he's working on. Even if that help is something as simple as just handing him tools, he appreciates it. He appreciates the company too.

Engie: "Alright darlin', can you hand me the screwdriver?"

Rogue: "Uh... which one?"

Engie: "The Phillips."

Rogue: "Uh..."

Engie: "The pointy one."

Rogue: "Oh! Yeah sure I knew that."

Medic:

Like with Engie, Rogue will often go into the infirmary to talk with Medic as he works (she also makes sure he takes a break once in a while and doesn't overwork himself). He also does what he can to help with her depression once that's out in the open, prescribing her any antidepressants he can get his hands on. Though when she first joined the team and he gave her her first annual exam, he was astounded by how many fractures and injuries he'd found that were just left to sloppily heal on their own. The sadistic doctor was actually kind of worried for her, though honestly impressed by her high pain tolerance.

Medic: "Goodness fräulein, this is the fifth fracture I've found! How are you even walking?"

Rogue: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Sniper:

Despite having quite good aim from using a slingshot for years, Rogue was quite inexperienced with guns (not including when she killed her old caretaker at the end of her fighting days). So naturally, Sniper took it upon himself to teach her. He educates her on different types of guns in order to find what works best for her, and the two partake in target practice together. Of course, the two end up bonding during the lessons. She tells him all about her life in the ring, and he tells her about what life was like back in Australia. One thing that Rogue wasn't anticipating, however, was how strong the recoil of a gun can be. She was so unprepared she was thrown right onto her ass in shock.

Sniper: "Crikey! You alright there, mate?"

Rogue: "Yeah I'm fine... fuck, what was that?!"

Sniper: "Recoil, love. Did you not know guns did that?"

Rogue: "...no..."

Spy:

Although she and Spy certainly took the longest to warm up to each other, the two are as close as can be now. Once they finally accepted each other, Spy took her under his wing as his apprentice. He helps her perfect her thieving skills and educates her on how to take tough situations in stride. She really looks up to him, and they almost have a father-daughter relationship. And of course, when her depression comes to light, he's her biggest means of support. He's always available when she needs him and he does whatever he can for her.

Spy: "You make me so proud, mon cheri. You've captured the intel once again, our training has really paid off. Great job."

Rogue: "Thanks dad."

Spy: "Excuse me, what was that?"

Rogue: "....nothing."

Bonus!

Miss Pauling:

Miss Pauling is literally the first woman Rogue has ever been close to in her life. Throughout her entire childhood she's been surrounded by creepy older men, and even though things are different now with the mercs... they're still men. There are just some things Rogue isn't quite comfortable talking to them about. But with Miss Pauling, going to her for help with things like clothes shopping and feminine problems almost feels natural. Hell, there were so many things Rogue didn't even know about periods until Miss Pauling explained them to her. And of course Miss Pauling takes the time out of her busy work day as often as she can to make sure Rogue is stocked up on sanitary items, and whatever else she needs. Rogue is always extremely greatful for it. And while part of her sees Miss Pauling as sort of a mother figure...another part sort of has a crush on her. Yeah, Miss Pauling was pretty much Rogue's bisexual awakening. But she hasn't said anything about it, one because it would just be awkward and two because she knows Scout also likes her, and she doesn't wanna stand in his way (but little does either of them know, Miss Pauling is a lesbian 👀)

Miss Pauling: "Rogue, honey, you don't even know what a pad is? Or a tampon??? What- what do you do when you get your period?"

Rogue: "What, you mean that weird time of the month that I start bleeding? I just... live with it I guess? Maybe put toilet paper in my panties if it gets too messy-"

Miss Pauling: "Rogue. Come with me, I'll get you stocked up on the things you need. And we'll get you some new panties too."

Rogue: "But don't you have things to do?"

Miss Pauling: "This is more important. You shouldn't have to suffer every month just because no one ever properly taught you about periods. I'll help you out."

Saxton Hale:

Rogue thought he was obnoxious upon first meeting him. Called him a "corporate clown" to the other mercs. But, she had to  earn his approval in order to join the team, so Miss Pauling insisted that she be on her best behavior around him. But, even when on her best behavior her spunkiness still shined through, and Saxton noticed it real quick. However, that spunkiness only raised his interest. He commented on how he, "Hadn't met such a scrappy sheila in a long time." Truth be told, she reminded him a lot of Maggie, but he wasn't about to mention it. During their one on one meeting, he demanded that she punch him in the face to test her strength. After a short hesitation, she did so. Saxton was impressed that she actually hit him hard enough to dislocate his jaw and bust his lip, and gave her the job on the spot with the promise that she keep up that energy (and learn to use some weapons, of course). Miss Pauling and the mercs were shocked to see the two of them come back with Saxton's arm slung around Rogue's shoulders and his face dripping with blood, and the two of them laughing with each other. She took back what she said about him being a corporate clown. Although, the only thing she still doesn't like about him is how he treats Miss Pauling, considering how close she is with her. She has a mind to call him out on it, but Miss Pauling begs her not to.

Saxton: "Let's see just how strong a little gal like you can really be. Go on, hit me RIGHT here! Hard as ya can!"

Rogue: "Uh...Mr. Hale, I really don't-"

Saxton: "Oh don't wuss out on me girly, you want this job or not?!"

Crack.

Rogue: "Oh my god- Mr. Hale! I am so-"

Saxton: "Now that's what I'm talking about! You pack a hard punch for such a cute little thing!"

Rogue: "You're bleeding..."

Saxton: "Consider yourself hired!"

Administrator:

Doesn't trust her. Not one bit. She only respects her because she has to, and even then her "respect" is so shallow that anyone could see right through it. She hates the way she berates, overworks, and oftentimes gaslights Miss Pauling, and the fact that even all the other mercs seem to be intimidated by her concerns her greatly. She knows something's going on with her behind the scenes, and she's determined to figure out what. In the few times she actually saw her in person, Rogue definitely smarted off to her more than once, despite Miss Pauling practically begging her to watch it. The Administrator, however, almost finds it adorable. Almost. She kind of views Rogue as a bratty child. A bratty child with skill and talent that is essential for her team. And for that, she lets the sassiness slide...for now. Luckily these two don't butt heads often though, considering the Administrator is rarely seen.

Administrator, over the loud loudspeaker: "Well done, let's see some more."

Rogue, mumbling: "Bite me..."