#AND I KEEP THINKING MAN DOES HOLLY JACKSON KNOW HOW TO WRITE AN UNLIKEABLE MAN.

[ploppythespaceship]

So I watched the Artemis Fowl movie...

Usually I make a list of good things and bad things in my reviews, but in this I literally do not have one good thing to say. Artemis Fowl fails as an adaptation, and it fails as a movie. It’s almost incomprehensible how terrible this film is -- Percy Jackson looks competent by comparison. So instead of my list, I’m gonna just talk about why it sucked.

The Plot

The movie combines the plots of the first two books in the series, with a few elements from later books tossed in for good measure. In the first book, Artemis learns of the existence of fairies and takes one hostage -- Captain Holly Short -- in order to extort them. In the second book, Artemis’s father has been captured, prompting Artemis to team up with Holly to rescue him.

The problem with combining these two is that they are fundamentally different stories. The latter relies greatly on the former to be well set up. Additionally, both are rather busy stories that need time and focus to do them well. The tension of Artemis holding Holly captive works because it lasts for a significant portion of the book. The development of Artemis teaming up with Holly works because they have hated each other for over a book now. This does not happen in the film. Everything is rushed, leading to a jumbled mess that barely makes any sense.

Artemis’s father is captured by Opal Koboi (a villain from the later books who does little to nothing in this film), who demands that Artemis give her something called the Aculos (a mcguffin that the movie made up). Artemis then captures Holly, and demands the Aculos as ransom. But when the fairies have no interest in giving him this ransom, Artemis teams up with Holly. Because it turns out her father, Beechwood, stole the Aculos years ago, and Artemis’s father knew Beechwood. The fairies send in a dwarf named Mulch to break in, and he locates the Aculos in the Fowl Manor. Mulch then teams up with Artemis, and there’s a long sequence where everyone fights a troll. Once that’s done, Holly uses the Aculos to rescue Artemis’s father. The end.

If you’re thinking that this plot makes no sense, that’s because it doesn’t. Information is presented at the strangest times, making things impossible to follow. Not to mention that character allegiances are constantly shifting for no discernible reason. There is no reason for Holly to trust Artemis, or vice versa -- yet they declare themselves “forever friends” before the end of the film. I can’t even tell you why Mulch sticks around, he just does.

The movie is also terribly paced. Despite only being ninety minutes long, it feels like it drags on for an eternity. Alternating between Artemis and Holly in the opening creates a distinct lack of tension, making it impossible to stay invested in any one thing for too long. Topping the whole thing off is the movie’s framing device -- the story is narrated by Mulch, as part of an interrogation that’s never properly explained. This setup feels so unnecessary, and it’s actually jarring every time we cut back to Mulch growling his exposition at the camera.

The Characters & Actors

I cannot think of one character that has not been butchered by the writing, the acting, or both. All of them are terrible. And across the board, the acting isn’t terribly good.

Artemis Fowl

The titular character gets it the worst of everyone. In the book, he’s a criminal mastermind. He’s cold, calculating, and eerie. He behaves so much like an adult that it unsettles people. He isn’t at all interested in typical child things, instead focusing on his own lofty goals. He’s an utter genius, learning the existence of fairies all on his own and coming up with the plan to capture one himself. Though he’s sympathetic in his own way, he’s also not presented as a terribly good person. As a protagonist, he’s almost unlikable -- it’s not until later books that he learns to have friends and become a better person.

But in the movie, Artemis is about as generic a fantasy film protagonist as you can get. He’s a more or less happy child who adores his father. He likes surfing and skateboarding. He doesn’t learn about fairies on his own -- his father tells him about them. And while he’s shown to be intelligent, it’s nowhere near the genius level he should be at. He’s so watered down and uninteresting that he’s unrecognizable as the same character. Even accepting that this isn’t the book character, he’s just boring to watch. There’s nothing interesting or compelling about this random kid. Ferdia Shaw’s performance doesn’t help -- while I’ve certainly seen worse child actors, I’ve also seen far, far better.

It’s worth mentioning that some of the best moments in the books are when something rattles Artemis so badly that the walls come down and he acts like a scared little kid. These moments work because they’re rare. This movie tosses them at you left and right. I don’t know who this kid is, but it ain’t Artemis Fowl.

Holly Short

In the books, Holly is an adult woman working an adult job -- she’s a police officer. She’s also described as having medium dark skin, with the phrases “olive” and “nut brown” being used most often. So the decision to cast a fourteen year old white actress... it boggles the mind. In fairness, Lara McDonnell did a decently good job in the role. But there wasn’t much role to do a good job with. Holly is a very bland character, with all of her drive and fire from the book simply gone. There’s also a backstory tossed in about her father, Beechwood Short, which is implemented in the strangest way and only comes up when it’s strictly relevant.

Domovoi Butler

Oh, Butler. Artemis’s bodyguard slash best friend slash pseudo father figure. A tremendously important character in the books who is barely in the movie at all. His role is so cut down that it’s absurd. I guess Nonso Anonzie was doing a fine job, but he was hardly there enough for me to tell. All indication that this man is a tremendously important figure in Artemis’s life is simply gone.

Edited to add: I didn’t initially think of anything wrong with Butler being a black man for the movie, but after seeing some complaints from others... yeah I think making a character from a family that’s been servants to a rich white family for generations now into a black man is uhhhhhhhhhh. It’s questionable.

Juliet Butler

Butler’s niece, Juliet, is in the movie so little that I kept forgetting she was there. Which is a damn shame, because I actually really liked Tamara Smart from The Worst Witch already and thought she was an excellent choice for Juliet. In the book, Juliet is the only other child around, and about the only kid that Artemis will remotely consider an equal. She’s great to balance him out and keep him more grounded. In the movie? Eh. She has a handful of lines.

Mulch Diggums

As far as being accurate to the book, Mulch is probably the closest. Though the decision to make a dwarf character not actually short boggles the mind... my main complaint is that Josh Gad likes to improvise his way through scenes, and his style of comedy is pretty grating. It gets old, fast. Throw in the fact that he’s also growling all of his lines to sound different, and you have a character that’s nearly unwatchable.

Julius Root

Speaking of growling all your lines! Commander Root is played by Dame Judi Dench in this movie, changing the character’s gender. I really don’t mind that, and the characterization is largely unchanged. What I do mind is Dench’s delivery. All of her lines are growled in such a low rumble that it sounds like she’s been smoking for eighty years. It becomes impossible to take anything she says or does seriously when she’s speaking like that. Josh Gad even pokes fun at it in a scene with the two of them, saying that they sound like “hippos with a throat infection” -- the only line to get a chuckle out of me.

Artemis Fowl, Sr.

To round it off, we have Colin Farrell as Artemis’s father. And... he’s here, I guess. Farrell mostly sounds bored in all of his scenes and it’s incredibly easy to forget about him.

Angeline Fowl

But wait! A fan of the book may ask. What about Artemis’s mother? How did the movie do her? Surely they didn’t forget Artemis’s mother! And my friends, I regret to inform you that the movie did, in fact, forget Artemis’s mother. She isn’t present, nor is she even mentioned. A major part of the books, a major force to drive Artemis’s character, just... gone. Lovely.

The Production Design

The best word I can think of is uninspired. Most things are serviceable, but unimpressive, leading to the film looking very generic. I was especially disappointed with the look of the fairy underground. A combination of magic and technology has a lot of potential to look visually interesting. Instead, the fairy police just look like the E.L.F.S. from The Santa Clause. And once you’ve seen it, you’ll never unsee it. So you’re welcome.

Additionally, the action scenes tend to be poorly shot and edited. Everything is extremely fast paced with a freely floating camera -- this makes things nearly impossible to follow. Several times I said out loud “what just happened?” because I legitimately could not tell where things were in relation to each other, and who was attacking, who was being attacked, etc. Thankfully there aren’t a lot of action scenes, but the few that do exist are pretty bad.

There are also several sequences of Mulch unhinging his jaw to burrow through the ground. In the book, it’s mildly amusing, but it doesn’t at all translate to film. It’s horrifying in every sense. The CG looks rubbery and fake, and Josh Gad’s performance doesn’t at all sell it. If there were any change from the books I would actually welcome, it’s this one. There are plenty of other ways he could dig. But nope. They stuck to that one. For some reason.

In Conclusion

This is easily the worst book to film adaptation I have ever seen. Please don’t watch it unless you’re a fan of the book and want a laugh.

[briangroth27]

Incredibles 2 Review

I absolutely loved Incredibles 2! It's a great time at the movies and definitely worth the 14-year wait. I was initially skeptical of it picking up seconds after the original, but I think the story threads here—particularly Jack-Jack's (Eli Fucile, Nick Bird) development and the Anti-Super laws—needed to be dealt with onscreen rather than off.  I liked that they reversed the structure of the first movie and had Helen (Holly Hunter) go off on the adventures while Bob (Craig T. Nelson) stayed at home to watch the kids. Even better, this switch was rooted in statistical facts that Elastigirl was the most effective and efficient hero between herself, Bob, and Frozone (Samuel L. Jackson). Since so much of her Elastigirl persona was left in the past in the original movie because she’d moved on in life while Bob hadn’t really, showing Helen truly loving her work and being great at it was a perfect moment that let us see a whole new side to her. Seeing Helen so overjoyed at getting to be a hero again—and being great at it, with no collateral casualties—was excellent! It was also nice to see that she had detective skills; a good contrast to Bob smashing his way through problems (and which have probably have helped her deduce what her kids are up to over the years!). That her heroic competence was truly valued outside her family circle and by the people who wanted to use her to push their politics Bob Odenkirk, Catherine Keener) was a genuine and welcome surprise; I'd love to see more female heroes respected and revered the way Elastigirl is here. Bob playing Mr. Mom was a lot of fun, even if I’m more than ready for a competent parenting duo instead of the always-effective mom and the cliché overwhelmed dad. That said, Bob’s battle with Dash's (Huck Milner) new math, Violet's (Sarah Vowell) teenage angst, and Jack-Jack's terrible toddling was extremely relatable and a great change from the superhero midlife crisis we saw in the original. I enjoyed Bob’s playful ego about being the better hero in his marriage and loved that it was balanced by genuinely caring that Helen had the space to do what she needed to do. That sort of loving/selfish balance is an extremely difficult line to walk but the writing and acting totally pull it off without making him unlikable (and it's not even hinted or implied that Helen is in any way selfish either). It was especially sweet of Bob not to tell Helen what was going on with the family not because he didn't want to come off as incompetent, but because he knew she'd stop her mission. Yes, he benefits from her completing it, but I fully believe that he also wants the better future for his kids that Helen can secure. I would've liked to see more of Dash and Violet in general, and particularly their school lives. Dash has homework trouble and Tony (Michael Bird), the boy Violet made a date with, forgets her (a cool example of superhero lives wreaking havoc on civilian ones as well as the law affecting the Parrs in an unexpected way), but the Anti-Super laws would've been stronger if we'd seen the kids’ lack of choice Bob talks about. Violet wanting to be normal and Dash being "defined as a person" by heroism does play out that choice, but we don't really get to see consequences of the laws in terms of impacts on the kids. Does having to come in second place in track rankle Dash? And if he's defined by being a hero, how does he feel about having to hide at school?  Is anyone suspicious of his speed? Does Dash have to fight to control himself when confronted by bullies that openly hate Supers? By teachers who preach that Supers are bad and should be illegal? Playing up the questionable aspects of the first movie's ending—is he cheating by using his speed, even for second place? How is not living up to his potential affecting his development?—would've built up a lot more pressure on the need to make Supers legal again. Violet hating being a Super made her a good proponent for not being legalized, though I would’ve liked more of that as well. How much of her tragic love life is really angst about not being able to be herself? Maybe she could’ve gotten involved with a student organization to keep Supers illegal, pitting her against her mom’s efforts. What if she discovered another Super kid at school and was forced to choose between outing them or letting them stay hidden? Might she find that pretending to be normal at school is simply boring or stifling her in ways she doesn’t want to admit? That said, I loved what we did get from Dash and Violet and absolutely dug Jack-Jack's awakening powers! The idea that Super babies often have multiple abilities is a very cool metaphor for kids having unlimited potential and it also made for a lot of fun, varied action scenes. His battle with a raccoon was highly entertaining and his unexpected bond with Edna Mode (Brad Bird) was a brilliant twist! Edna discovering a role as a loving aunt was as hilarious as it was heartwarming and a great way to reveal a new dimension of her character. Frozone is always a welcome addition and it was great to see more of him here, both as a "rebel" with Bob and Helen trying to get the Anti-Super law reversed, as a protective uncle to the Parr kids, and finally a hypnotized enemy. I’d like to finally meet his wife Honey (Kimberly Adair Clark) though. It's beyond time she was more than just a nagging influence taking the joy out of his superheroics (though I like that she knows her worth!). I really hope she’s also a retired Super so we can see what the two of them are like outside of their home. Or, it would’ve been easy to make her a Lois Lane-type figure, so she could cover Helen’s return to prominence and at least get a moment of bonding with her. Either of those options would be great and I’d like to see their relationship explored somewhere. I knew who Screenslaver (Bill Wise) was almost immediately, but that didn’t lessen my love for this character at all. The hypnotism was a spooky and old-fashioned angle that felt totally fresh and fit the retro-futurist world of The Incredibles perfectly! Screenslaver also managed to comment on modern concerns about social media obsession, which was a nice bit of relatability (just like Bob and Dash's struggle with new math) while remaining rooted in the films’ era, when TVs were the hip new thing everyone was obsessed with. Screenslaver was a creepy, cool villain who topped Syndrome for me. I just wish his argument—that people were getting lazy and becoming too dependent on Supers—was more explored with examples of people being "less" because of superheroes (beyond hearing about a death caused by waiting on one). Maybe Screenslaver should’ve been saved for a movie set after the law against Supers was lifted, but slightly clearer examples of his point here would’ve worked just as well. I feel like his argument would be stronger if we got to see Supers making things too easy or if more people were put in peril because they waited for Supers to fix their problems instead of the big argument against heroes being the collateral damage their fights cause. That said, I absolutely loved this villain and would definitely be down for a Screenslaver return! Underminer (John Ratzenberger) was also a cool, second-tier villain that felt like a classic comic book bad guy. He's clearly patterned off of Mole Man, but that didn't matter to me; it was kinda refreshing (and appropriately old-school, given these movies’ time period) to see a villain who just wanted to rob banks. He also provided a good way to reintroduce the family's heroic dynamic and to showcase Bob and Helen's different fighting styles while complicating their lives further, building off the end of the first movie brilliantly. I liked that it became a strike against the heroes that he was forgotten in the scramble to stop his drills and that he actually got away. The new Supers that were introduced didn't make the biggest impression, but I preferred this to more focus on a bunch of random new people who would take screentime from the Parrs. I did like Voyd (Sophia Bush) a lot; her fangirl attitude toward Elastigirl was fun and she was a nice answer to Syndrome's toxic fandom. I hope she returns in a sequel! Krushauer (Phil LaMarr) was a solid threat and got some good and funny lines in, while Screech playing up his full animalistic nature was creepy and something I hope Daredevil does with Owl Jr. These wannabe Supers did bring a variety of challenges to the final battle, so as secondary adversaries go, they worked perfectly. All the fight scenes contained very clever uses of everyone’s powers and were choreographed with an insane amount of fun and imagination! The numerous powers on display also made for battles that were never uninteresting. Even Bob's Incredibile got a nice showcase here as a display of the retro tech in this universe. I love the design of this world in general, but classic spy and superhero aesthetics like that are my favorite parts; I wish more superhero franchises would embrace stylized elements like this to carve out their own identities. Speaking of classic aesthetics, I loved that Bob, Helen, and Lucius had their own old-timey superhero theme songs! Michael Giacchino’s music was great as always, but those themes were great surprises! Brad Bird's direction was crisp and the writing emotionally resonate, bringing the heart of the first movie back at full force.  I can't wait to see what comes next from this world! I hope we don't have to wait another 14 years for Incredibles 3 (and I didn't need the apology/”trust us the wait was worth it” video that played at the beginning of this one; it only made us wait longer!), but I definitely want to see more adventures in this universe. Now that Supers are allowed again, I’d love for the next movie to introduce Dash and Violet's trouble-making cousins as wannabe supervillain bad influences. Cousins would bring aunts and uncles who have differing parenting styles from Bob and Helen, as well as Bob and Helen’s in-laws, who have their own opinions on how to “correctly” be heroes as well as parents. I'm thinking Christmas Vacation with superheroes, but whatever the next film is, I'll be in line to see it! While we wait, you should see Incredibles 2! It's among Pixar's best and definitely worth seeing on the big screen!

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