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modiintrainguy · 6 years

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Countdown to therapy – the return

March 13, 2019 8.20am

……and we’re going back.

The brief respite from therapy after I finished with T is starting again on Tuesday next week.

I gotta admit im not sure about this guy, he seems too much like a friendly yeshiva rabbi and the room and chairs don’t seem comfortable. But he could be good and hes on Maccabi so its cheap.

Anyway I decided I should try and write down my feelings each day betweennow and then so I know what to talk about.

And if I in anyway thought I was ok yesterday was a case in point. Proves im absolyutely not ok!

Er good to know? Bad to know? Definitely things to work on.

So, yesterday I went from being really happy to deepest down depression that I couldn’t even try and get out of. I could I could’ve but didn’t.

Day started like most – me arriving non plussed at work, putting things off, getting on with them

I got this Jira board now and people started opening issues which is good. Makes it easier to manage what ive got to do.

I decided to try and push on with the platform brochure as a ppt and do 2 marketing docs and send them to K to talk to O about cos shes in Kiev. In the end I started getting requests – copy briefs, things to review, but I soldiered on and sent the brochure and 2 marketing docs - persoinalization and Lead Management – to K.

Its really good to have K in the picture. But still feel like I want to get out of there.

Although then A from reception asked me to write an email announcing the theme for the purm costume competition on Sunday is animals.

I wrote one and she was so happy, said its genius. Then I from HR also said it was brilliant – and me and my lo self esteem arse went into hyper feeling amazing and thinking this is what ive been missing. Like since novemeber when I started with this product marketing shit with G and O and Yni I could not understand why anyone would want to work. Id see films and see people saying “but I love my job” – like in 50 shades of grey where she doesn’t want to give up her job - and I think whaaaaat. Its just depressing. But now I realise its about achieving things and those things being recognised.

This was the email – nothing amazing. Design came out shit!

Also I won a game of pool and played really well! Potted some fantastic shots, including the black from far.

Anyway I left at 3.20 feeling better than ever! On the grand scheme of things that’s not that good. But its relative eh.

In the evening we had a meeting at 6.10pm with an art therapist who might do art therapy with littlun. Thing is her ganenent and psychologist say we should go to hadrachat horim but the art therapist also does that so im not sure we need both. Well tonight we’ll see T and ask her.

So I had to pick up the kids, get the bath done and them eating before B came at 5.55. when she came I was just getting the food ready and I left on time.

Ah yeah, and id already said cos we were gonna already be out and have a babysitter lets go to the cinema or to eat and mrs said she wanted to see green book. But even though its got good reviews and won the Oscar for best film last week, its also supposed to be a bullshit representation of racist.

So as we’re driving to the cinema im in 2 mninds. Do I want to see instant family or bens back or not go to the cinema, and then I felt hungry but she needed the loo so I said get tickets for green book and I’ll buy pizza but the line was too long and I thought lets maybe go to pepino but shes already bought tickets and I panic and say lets see instant family cos it had 7.3 on imdb so it must be something special, so I changed the tickets and she was all annoyed and we went in and sat down and the film started and in the first second of seeing marky marks face and shit acting I knew it was a terrible mistake. It was a shit film, I ate nachose, she wanted more coke and I didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be there – we could’ve gone ot pepinos. I just spent the whole time feeling dow and shit and shit and depressed. It was such a waste of an opportunity. Id thought I didn’t want to go to eat cos I ate shit yesterday – my intermittent fastings gone to shit. Imworried the foods coming back so im eating crap at work, let alone intermitten. And I hated the film. It was like lets make a film – a couple decides to foster kids, they are hard, they start to like them, the mum comes back in the picture, they get upset the kds are leaving, in the end the mum flakes on them cos shes a crack addict, kids stay and are adopted. This house they lived in was insane big. It was bullshit with no background.

By the time we left I was deep in depression. When we got home I felt shit – couldn’t deicde if I should take the dog out. Forced myself to clean up the kitchen and have a shower, went to bed and ended up talking and feeling a bit better.

But that feeling when I was driving to the kanyon and walking in and to the cinema and I couldn’t decide what I want to do. She asked me do u want to go to the cinema and I said I don’t know. I thought if I see a good filem it could make me feel good and I wanst sure I wanted to eat. But theni realized after I didn’t want to be there. But I thought she did. And I worry about wasting money – 45 for nachos and drink, 80 for cinema, 110 for babysitter- 230 for wehat.

And this art therapist is 350 a session including when she has to meet regularly with us. But she said she might ask my dad to pay.

>>>>>>>>>>

ADDING THIS AFTER I WROTE IT!

I forgot to say, I got some new anxiety pills cos those xanex things didn’t work and the doctor had mentioned that I can get anxiety pills that also help you sleep. So I got them – all u need to do is send a message on the Maccabi website and he sends u a prescription and u don’t even need to print it out. Its like going to the airport these days – u just give them your card. But the point is last night when I got home I felt shit and after I did the washing up and cleared up the kitchen and even made a sandwich chavita for the littlun and had a shower I took one as I got into bed. Instead of doing meditation or even trying breathing or talking to the mrs. It’s a poor choice, I need to make more of an effort. It kind of worked until I started talking to her about how I didn’t want to offent the new therapist like I feel I offended T and she said T had been upset I didn’t say thank you. Like isn’t it part of the job to understand that emotionally unbalanced people areent always going to treat people perfrectly., whatevs. I need to try harder and use techniques cos yesterday I gave up and spent the whole time in the cinema wallowing in feeling shit. Shge said why didn’t I just leave cos I know she doesn’t mind going to the cinema by herself but it felt wrong.

>>>>>>>>>>>

I dunno.

I said that in bed a lot – I diunno and she said yes you do.

Cso I do know. Im just upset that theres obviously something wrong with me. What is ADD? What is depression? An illness? What is an illness?

Is it a physical bran problem?

Or is it simply reactions to your environment that you have got used to. That you have reacted in a way so many times that you do it automatically? Whats that got to do with an illness?

Anyway im back on the train going to work. At least I have good things – the daiughters are fantsastic, job could be worse even if its not perfect and it doesn’t look like I got the Gwy one. And the love from the mrs is never ending even if I annoy her. And the food can be controlled immediately from tofday. And I can go to the gym today.

Gotta go. Tonight we have a meeting at littluns gan. Will be nice to see T as usual 😉 but seriously she is wonderful, especially considering her age and experience.

Now we go to work, deal with the shit on my jira board and speak to K about lead management.

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