#Alejandro Goicouria

[agoicouria-blog]

The Legend Ends

It had been 2 weeks since Stefan Setlz-Axmacher had gone missing after he won the Most Likely to Get Picked After the Learning Disabled Kid Award. Seeing him again brought so much excitement because I knew with him there this email would write itself. And I was right, except not in the way I ever imagined.

We had searched high and low. In the back alleys of Laos, the whorehouses of Siam, to the ever-popular donkey shows of Mexciali, Mexico. But all you heard were rumors or would find discarded Cobra Hearts. Sure enough Gordon “Remember The” Alemao was left with no choice but to draft him despite Patrick “Iron Feet” McCoy crying and Alejandro Goicouria incisive Spanish cursing. Had we waited 10 seconds we would have drafted Luis Duco (he came late—That’s what she said). 10 FRAKING SECONDS!!!

It left Alejandro Goicouria little recourse but to Tebow to one knee and pray, “Hi God, My name is Alejandro Goicouria. First time caller, long time listener, I know your busy doing Godly stuff n’shit, but could you grant one athletic day for Stefan. Just one, and I’ll promises never convince my kid nephews that Santa employs ninjas to enforce his totalitarian naughty or nice list.” #truestory

Alejandro’s call clearly went to vmail, because on the first play the ball fell between him and Gordon. After Gordon called, “I got it,” but broke off pursuit after he heard Alejandro, scream “OK.” What happens after that was nothing short of a miracle.

With Gordon’s team already up 2 zero, Stefan stepped up to the plate and launched a double that made everyone look up in disbelief. Stefan drove in 2 runs, STEFAN!? It didn’t stop from there in his next at kick he booted a home run to extend Gordon’s lead to 8-0. Was there some sort of moon alignment nobody was aware of?!? He singled on his next attempted to extend the lead to 14-0. Whoa, is this proof that God does exist, and answers prayers. Maybe Tim Tebow was on to something?

Hell, even Stefan’s awkward unauthentic pitching was working. The man was pitching his way to first shutout in league history. How was it possible to shutout a team that featured Dean “The Last Samurai” Dieker, and Luis “Fruit F#@ker(dubbed by Stefan)” Duco. Still don’t know what qualifies someone as a “Fruit F#%ker” but if it aint broke don’t fix it.

Dean seemed poised to spoil Stefan historic day, by launching a ball into the stratosphere. What seemed like a homer run turned out to be the greatest defense play in league history? Alejandro, caught cheating in, ran under the ball and made an amazing over the head acrobatic catch that looked like this. Replace the baseball with a kickball, and add roll at the end (#truestroyagain.) The game was essentially over after with Gordon (2-0) beating Nicki (0-2) 14-0.

FYI- Stefan did not test positive for anabolic steroids, but there was a large amount of horse tranquilizer in system (not illegal by league rules.) In the end Stefan was one triple away from the cycle, and after trucking Ijeoma C. Ekah at second (#truestorytothepowerof3) he is assaulting one woman away obtaining the legendary domestic disturbance cycle or the Chad Johnson. Its miserable to be a phins fan sometimes.

None of that prevented Gordon “Remember The” Alemao from ignoring the obvious pit stains, sweat drenched T-shirt, saying “Get over here you magnificent son of a bitch,” and giving him a big victory hug.

Alejandro Goicouria was quoted after the game with, “Today I realized Stefan Setlz-Axmacher may not be the player you want to draft, but today he was the player we needed to draft.” FADE TO BLACK. Cue dark and ominous Hans Zimmer score.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DOUCHE BAG RISES

[agoicouria-blog]

Game 1.2

Like a cockroach in a nuclear blast, Kickball is proving tough to kill,

This marks game 1 in a post BSS era, which means we’re going retire Team Crush (4-1) and last years AP poll national champion and hand off the reigns to other team captains.

Last Sunday’s was pretty boring. Nothing exciting like in Game 5 when Alejandro Goicouria blooped a single between JP “Raging” Bonner, and Stefan in what seemed like an easy out turned into an error when Alejandro screamed, “I GOT IT” confusing both fielders and having the ball fall in between them. 

Gordon “Remember the” Alamoe heeded the call to be a new captain. Nicki Haylon also found time in between the copious amounts of interviews she had to be one of the team Capt. for this season. CNNSI.com reports she is in heavy talks with Kinvey, which mean she has gone through 213 interviews and still has 47 to go before she can answer the 3 riddles as given by the Kinvey troll. If she answers any incorrectly she will be frozen in carbonite for all eternity. It goes without saying that I’m pulling for the Kinvey Troll to stop this horrible menace. I can see it go down like this except replace Leia with Chewie, and Han with Nicki.

Nicki’s hate towards Alejandro Goicouria has elevated to an unhealthy level. She rather lose in kickball, ignore Alejandro’s (320 avg 4 hr and 42 rbi’s) just to make sure she wouldn’t draft him. What she created was a dream kickball team for Gordon, and left herself with the Chinese leftovers nobody ever eats the next day. Her mistake was thinking that a heartless SOB like Alejandro Goicouria would care.

Team Captain Flash Gordon didn’t show a hint of fear despite being down early 3 nil. With Alejandro Goicouria, Patrick “Iron Feet” McCoy, and himself as team corner stones it was just a matter of time.

Their first at kick led to 8 straight runs.Their second led to 6 more….yadda yadda yadda, Final score 24 to 10.  Gordon’s only regret was failing to reach 30. Credit must be give were it was due. Max “Ponzi Scheming” Ade had the single best game in BSS history. Some of the balls he launched in the stratosphere were mistaken by NORAD for Russian Spy Satellites. We have since by down graded to DEFCON 4. This onslaught prompted Gordons Team to play a prevent defense against the little stink nugget. And on defense, he seemed to devise a defensive strategy known the world over as the kickball version of the Annexation of PuertoRico. If you haven't seen Little Giants and dont like that joke, THEN you have my permission to die.

“At first I thought he was gathering everyone to pitch another one of his make-money-quick-schemes or boot strap start ups as he calls them, but after a few kicks it was apparent he was shadowing center after every pitch.” – Patrick “Iron Feet” McCoy.

All that resulted was an opening at third, more hits, and Nick Haylon aggravating her old powder puff knee injury. Sustained whilst re-hydrating all the starters on her team whilst riding the bench.

This gamed proved a few things. A. Everyone on Gordon’s team unanimously agreed, “It can get tiresome hitting so many homeruns” B Nicki Haylon’s draft proved she may be the single worst General Manager in the history of sports. Which is saying a lot since I'm a Miami Dolphins fan and I’ve already resigned to the fact my childrens, childrens, children will never see a superbowl, because of Jeff Ireland #pleasesignme.

With all the hate in my heart,

The Commissioner

[agoicouria-blog]

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE: Demo Day Championship

I'm sure everyone is just coming out of their Demo day daze right now. Congratulations to everyone for graduating, and doing a fantastic job on demo day. We're all alums now, so why not kick start our new lives with a kickball recap?!?!?

Word has spread as far as Vietnam where they tell tales of a man who "laughs like a jackal, eats still-beating cobra hearts, and has head hair that looks strikingly similar to pubic hair of man." In Ireland they speak of a "small, soulless, ginger whose iron-like feet cannot be contained in sneakers." And in Cuba…….well, they're still trying to work on that freedom thing (#castrodeadin2014) so they have no comment. That has to be true, or else putting a padlock on the main gate, hoping it would deter BSS from participating in its national pastime, would look ridiculous on Harvard's part. "It only strengthened my kickball resolve, and slowed me down by 32 seconds." -Anonymous devastatingly good-looking Cuban BSS Alumnus.

The day started like any other Holy Kickball Sabbath, with Team Crush up early. With Alejandro Goicouria cruising for the first EVER Undefeated season, and his first Cy Young Award. Then, shit got weird. After the kickball's had narrowly avoided a Harvard-sanctioned lockout 30 minutes earlier, the amazingly snobbish University tried another tactic: Turning on the sprinkler system along the first base line to create a rain delay. But unbeknownst to them, and in the spirit of Michael Tiberious Spence, the league commissioner saw an opportunity. HALF-TIME WET T-SHIRT COMPETITION!! Former tennis prodigy Luis Duco narrowly defeated Liz Cormack. She has filed a formal protest, but that was the just the start of her not so glorious day.

For the second straight week a guy nailed her in the face (PUN INTENDED) as she was crossing home base. The culprit, Kate's clearly chivalrous BF, was asked to explain his reasoning behind throwing a ball at a girl's face, but just like Cuba earlier in this write up, responded: "No comment." Liz later strained her quad during an unfortunate, but graceful, fall in the wet first base area........ touche Harvard, touche.

With a WOman down, Team Crush began to unravel and lose focus. Not only did Arian Razzaghi forget the bases were loaded in the 5th, but his ill-advised overthrow to second allowed the bases to be cleared. From there it all went downhill, as Team Crush couldn't catch a break even when it seemed like the kickball gods were giving them a layup here or there. 

Of course I'm talking about the K-Ray v. Cuba near collision at home plate. Kailey seemed all but nailed at home (pun intended again) by Alejandro. Despite her slide falling five inches short--it looked a lot like this--Alejandro's off-balanced throw sailed just above her slide. Instead of eviscerating her entire existence, he jumped over her, subsequentially pulling a muscle, in another team crush unintentional-yet-graceful fall in a watery section. Well played Harvard, but you know that won't stop the most diabolical hater to claim Political Asylum. He finished the game, and when asked why he stayed in he said, "The kickball gods graced me with two legs, and I only need one to kick your ass if you ask another stupid question like that ever again." 

From there no matter what Team Crush did, the opposing team answered in spades.  They even fixed the hole in their defense by surrounding Stefan with five other fielders to catch the tip after he had six straight drops. FYI I have received a Cease and Desist letter from ESPN concerning Stefan's highlight reel. Apparently, they lack the man power and resources to pour over 1000 hours worth of bad Stefan highlights in time for the midnight show. Plus, they think its unfair he dominates all ten slots for the weekly segment Sports Center's Not Top 10. I also received one from Women's Rights Group. They believe Stefan's bad play will be used by hard line Republicans to repeal Title IX, which helped usher in equality for women in sports. Cast your vote if you don't think Stefan playing sports hurts womens' chances to be taken seriously as athletes, and help Stefan get back on ESPN (#SCnotTOP10)

With the hole in the well clogged, the opposing team rolled behind some great hitting by JP "Raging" Bonner and Gordon "Remember The" Alemao, and when it was all said and done...Team Crush fell for the first time this year..... I'll give you a second to collect yourself after letting that statement sink. I guess there are just so many times and an incredible beard can will a team to victory........ Now it's time for:

POST SEASON AWARDS:

Extra WOman off the bench Award: Erin (Liz Cormack's Roommate) Game 3 hero whose only hit was the most important one for her team that sent the game into overtime, and spearheading her team's run to victory. She isn't on the email chain, so Liz Cormack will be receiving on her behalf.

The Golden Leg: Patrick "Iron Feet" Mccoy. I swear this isnt a made up award just so I dont have to hear the little lucky charm leprechaun bitch at me until the next award season. This is given to the man with the highest overall kicking avg under 5'5.''

Golden Hands: Roger "Frat House" Maranan. It seemed like every ball kicked in his general direction wasn't just difficult but sometimes damn near impossible to catch. Roger didn't drop a single ball all season because he spits fire in the face of adversity. When asked to comment he said, "I knew a man who once told me, 'Death smiles at us all. All we can do is smile back.'".....#Kickballboner

The Kamakazi Dive Slide Award: JP "Raging" Bonner. It is said he doesn't know fear because he was born without it. Not only does the man play kickball without shoes, but when he slides headfirst, he jumps as if he were unleashing the gates of hell upon any unsuspecting target. 

Most Likely to Get Picked after the Learning Disabled Kid Award: Stefan "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Douche Bag" Seltz-Axmacher. When asked to comment he said, [insert pedestrian at best and unoriginal racist joke by Stefan here].

Most Improved Gypsy: Nicki "She Who Has No Fear" Haylon. I have to admit, there were times when I questioned whether drafting her 2nd every week was a dumb idea. But she went from taking balls off her face (pun intended to the power of 3) to consistently improving her kicking average to a respectable .250 with an on base percent of .820 and no error in the last game. Not to mention, her hating on me has turned some heads, and I have personally gone to the League of Extraordinary Douche Bags and requested a motion that she be let in as the first woman Hateresse.

Most Valuable cEEErush: Alejandro Goicouria. For just not being the only person who shelled out money to help put this all together, and taking 30mins a week on his computer to entertain you insolent toads with his CLEARLY ego-stroking drivel. But mainly because of this pitch he gave to Aaron, Shaun, and Katie Rae after they questioned the importance of a continuing Kickball league without actual teams, legit field, or trophies, "Real Kickball isn't played for trophies, its played in the shadows, in dark alleys, and back rooms for hard cash............and cheap ugly women" that led to the unanimous decree: THE LEAGUE MUST GO ON.

So as mandated by the powers that be..........Everyone must be on iLAB fields at 3pm tomorrow. Which means, expect another obnoxiously long email next week!!!!

[agoicouria-blog]

Double Header: Game 4

Dear people I've grown accustomed to, I would like to apologize for sending the wrong directions to the field this past Sunday. Apparently my sense of direction isn't as good on land as it is on the water searching for freedom. Somewhere in hell Stefan is laughing at that self-deprecating Cuban comment. This weekend marked our first ever double-header, and our first come-from-behind victory. Not much to report on game 1. Team Crush cruised to another dominate 12-3 victory , despite just having 3 people on their team. "It actually became tiresome to circle the bases, after the 5th time," said Alejandro Goicouria. Gordon seemed like a man on a mission after he almost took Liz Cormack's head off when he threw her out on her way to second. Don't question the man's passion for kickball. That's when 2 randos approached the girls with a proposition: Merge 2 super power kickball leagues to form an Uber League. At first I was skeptical about guys in their mid 40s decked out in tattoos approaching girls and asking them to come follow them. I mean, were they going to lead us to a creepy grey van with the word rape crossed out, or were they legit? Sure enough, they led us to the other side of the field where we were offered beer and the opportunity to form 2 super teams. Finally BSS was going to provide an opportunity for its students. Then game 2 was on it way. Team Crush went down 3-0. Liz Cormack was dominating with her bouncing pitch, it was dumbfounding. I had seen this limp wristed style before. Was this Dan Pratt's final FRAK YOU? Train Liz in the Dark arts of douchey pitching?! For those of you who don't know, Dan Pratt suffered a torn vagina after the game 1 thumping and hasn't been back since. Training Liz in the dark arts of douchey pitching to get back at me smells of his ilk. After I realized his dark and sinister plan, a fire was lit under Team Crush's collective ass. We were not A) going to get shut out, or B) lose in some ill-conceived revenge plot by someone who asks a waiter during a networking dinner, "Excuse me, but can you put the chicken, vegetable, and salad dressing on the side of my salad?" Team Crush started a rally on the back of Alejandro Goicouria's ASS-first slide into second. He had learned from his teammate's previous mistake of taking a baseball slide into second and scraping up his knees. Plus, his knees were already bloodied enough after one of the girls on the other team spent the entire day blooping the ball in front of the pitchers mound. Honestly, the field felt like it was laced with glass, but I digress. 2 runs would score after Alejandro's slide, and the lead was cut down to 1. In the last inning with 2 outs, and a man on third, hope was all but lost. Thats when Liz's friend came up to the plate, and blaaaaaasted one into the out field, bringing in the tying run, sending the game into extras, and with limp lizzy pupil.....Liz figured out victory for Team Crush was just over the horizon. Liz finally unravelled in the 6th and let up 4 more runs, and Team Crush won 7-4. With everyone about to leave BSS, I'm offering two options for what could the final BSS Kickball game. The guys we played with on Sunday offered to play again this Sunday. Just bring your own beer and solo cups.

[agoicouria-blog]

Birth of A Grondler: Game 3 Recap

Im tired of hearing you insolent peasant clamoring for the kickball recap. 1000 apologizes for getting caught up in the nurf wars at Dyn on Monday. Free hooch, pizza, and swag at Tech-cocktails on Tuesday, but heres your weekly fix you vagabonds

As you may have heard, Liverpool futbol club has rented our precious iLabs Field, or as I call it until they leave, soccer douche island. Why so much hate for them you ask, well its probably because they’re the reason Harvard PD ended our game early. Apparently the going rate to crush hopes and dreams cost 50k now a days. Until that point we were actually having our best game ever. 

We actually had our first pitchers duel through 4 solid innings. This also was the first in three Sundays that Nicki wasn’t assaulted at first base. That’s only because Gordon claims that touching a woman’s shoulder at 330am on a Sunday in the darkness of a cape cod beach house isn’t assault, “It’s asking, “How are you doing, and do you need any assistance in helping you sleep, in Oklahoma, man!!” But I digress, back to the pitchers duel.

I don’t know if it was the combination of incredible pitching on behalf of Alejandro Goicouria of Team Crush and the pitcher by committee approach by the other team, but neither side seemed to want to score. Patrick Iron Foot’s Sac fly in the second, was the deciding factor for Team Crush (4-0) and the game. It didn’t matter which side was up to kick, every rally died. Just about the most interesting part of last Sunday was Dan Macleod sliding about 7ft due to wet terrain, and taking first base for the ride. I'm surprised my natural Hispanic instincts didn’t kick in and take off running as soon Harvard PD showed up, with me yelling, “SEE YA SUCKERS.” I still don’t know why when asked by the officer if I were directly associated with Harvard I said, “Uh, Yeah!” 

[agoicouria-blog]

Lets Kick Some More Balls: Game 2 Recap

Kickball recap: GAME 2.

Team Crush streamed rolled to a 12-3 victory. Despite team captain Alejandro's protest, because he sees Mercy as a form of weakness, the mercy rule was in effect. here were some notables of the day. 

Stefan 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Douche Bag' Seltz-Axmacher spent the afternoon assaulting women on the base pads. You can follow him on Twitter (#gropeninja.) He looks like Seth Rogen, laughs like the Joker, but plays kickball like Helen Keller.

The good news was only one person was hit in the face with a kickball, and it wasn't Nicki. This dubious honor actually falls to me, as Max Veggeberg from point blank range rocked me in the face as I slid head first into second. I know there are copious amounts of BSSer that would give their left arm to have seen that, so here is a mental imagine: Think Street Fighter 2 and I'm standing a foot away from Ryu who unleashes haduken in my grill.

The MVP of the day was Patrick "Iron Feet" Mccoy. He seemed locked in when he found the hole at third, or where ever Stefan was hiding. Honorable mention to Nicki Haylon not because she went 3-4 w/o errors, but because she left her BBQ chix pizza behind for me to dominate. 

If you think you can beat Team Crush (2-0) the swing by next Sunday at 3pm. Maybe you'll be lucky and Max might through a kickballin your face. It helps with hangovers #sarcasm.

Crush,

A

[agoicouria-blog]

Kickball Begins: Game 1 Recap

For a recap of last Sunday: Crafty knuckleballer Daniel Elizabeth Pratt bid for his first victory fell short as his limp-wristed technique wasnt enough to overcome the murders row of hitters he had to face. Play of the day came early as "She who has NO fear" Nicki Haylon stood her ground and used her face to deflect a pop up towards a sliding Alejandro for the out. Later in the game the unstoppable force (Amanda Curtis) met the immovable object (Dan Macleod) at first for a collision and the out.. All in all it was a great game, and just like the Euro Finals the Spanish guys team beat the Italian guys team 4-3.