#Amber is the lesbian queen who deserves the world.

[anarcoqueer1994]

Be My Beard?

A story about the Kippen family being terrible and homophobic and Amber and TJ being the best disaster gays.

(Please be kind, wrote this post seizure today so my brain is being wonky <3 )

TJ and Amber Kippen were gay. Very gay. But neither teenager was out to the family. Of course they knew the other one wasn't straight, they could never keep anything a secret between each other. But the thought of telling the whole family scared both of them.

A few years back, when Amber was in the 8th grade, and TJ was in the 6th, an incident happened that freaked them both out. They were having Christmas dinner with their parents, both sets of grandparents, and a bunch of aunts, uncles, and all their kids. Amber recently figured out she was a lesbian. She had told TJ and of course he was supportive and excited for her. But neither could predict how their family would react. And they needed to know before Amber came out, and even though he hadn't said it out loud, before TJ came out.

So at Christmas dinner she decided to test the waters to check how they would react. Amber casually said, "This girl in my class just told everyone she was a lesbian, isn't that so brave of her?" She muses.

Her aunt Robin on her dad's side was the first to speak up. "All these kids think they are gay at your age, sweetheart. She will figure it out." 

Out of the corner of her eye a few people nodded. But then it goes back to general talking and laughing at the table. But Amber and TJ needed to know more. So TJ decides to poke a little further. Over the voices around him, he says"But what if she doesn't 'figure it out?' What if she does only like girls the rest of her life? What if that makes her happy?"

Amber and TJ's grandma(on their mom's side) gets a very serious look on her face. The room is silent and awkward. She stares at Amber for a few moments, as if she was trying to calculate something. Then she turns to TJ, giving him a similar look. Finally she breaks her silence and coldly says, "Well then I would remind that girl that maybe she should think about what that would do to her family and friends, and that she should figure how to keep those feelings under control. It is all for the best...." She put on a sweet smile and quickly adds, " Hypothetically, of course." 

Then, just like that, everyone goes back to talking and laughing. No one bothered to defy her or what she said. Both Kippen siblings are left staring into their plates in quiet worry the rest of the night.

In the year that followed, both of them learned to 'hide' from their feelings, even denying the truth from each other. 

"Ambs, What are you doing going out with this guy, Jonah?" TJ asks, while sitting on her bed, as she does her hair for school.

"I happen to really like Jonah." She says in a voice that is uncertain if she is trying to convince TJ or herself.

"Don't lie to me, I know the truth. You have become colder to people, especially other girls. And you have become so clingy and possessive towards Jonah. You are pretending to be someone you are not. Amber, no matter what grandma says, it is okay if you are a les..."

"You don't know anything, TJ!" she cuts him off. "Don't start with me. Don't act like I don't see how much more of a jerk you have become since last year at Christmas. You have been trying to act like this hotshot, super 'manly' jock with a bad attitude to hide the fact that you are gay."

TJ quickly gets up and heads to the door. "Whatever Amber....I'm not gay. " He slams her door.

And it was like that for a while. But then they meet Andi and Cyrus, and both of them knew they were fucked. 

Amber first saw Andi when the other girl was talking to Jonah. Right away, Andi made Amber feel weak in the knees. Amber was terrified that Andi would bring out the feelings she had been working so hard to suppress. So she responded to those fears by purposely being as cold as possible to Andi and clinging tighter than ever to Jonah. But then she and Jonah broke up and even more surprisingly, she and Andi became friends.

There were some hiccups along the way in their friendship. There was the time at the ferris wheel. Most people assumed she left because she was jealous of Andi being with Jonah. In reality, she was jealous that Jonah was Andi's choice and not her. 

Then there was the warehouse party. That night she held Andi's hand for the first time. She remembers looking into Andi's little Bambi eyes and melting. That scared her. So soon, she took the opportunity to get close to Jonah again. He was her disguise. That's why she pushed so hard when they were dating, tricking herself into believing that she loved him so no one would suspect that she was a lesbian.

But always in the back of her head was Andi. So when she and Jonah broke up, it was almost liberating. She and Andi got closer and at Andi's party, they danced and her heart felt like it was going to pound out of chest. Then less than a week later, Andi texted her, asking her to meet her at The Spoon. That night Andi asked her out and against her better judgment, she said yes. They have been together ever since, a little more than a year now.

The other Kippen sibling was just as powerless against love. Cyrus gave him the courage and freedom to be himself, if only to just their friends. So both Amber and TJ were with people they loved who loved them back. Unfortunately...they had to keep it a secret to everyone but their close friends to negate the risk of their family finding out.

This was working out fine for a while. Their parents just assumed that Cyrus and Andi were their friends. But one day towards the end of TJ's freshman year, their plan started to crumble. Their grandparents were over and the family was catching up in the living room. The conversation was innocent enough until their parents leave the room and their grandma started asking about their personal lives. There grandfather sits obviously on the couch next to her.

"So tell me about what is going on in your lives?" She asks, looking between her grandkids. "Anything special? Anyone special?" She smiles.

Both kids look uncomfortably at the ground so she pushed on, in a faux sweet voice. "What about that girl in your class, dear? Remember the one you told me about a few years back?" Looking at Amber. "Did she ever figure out that this gay thing was a phase?"

They both knew what she was implying. She wanted to know if they were done with this "phase." They weren't dumb. She may not know specifics but their grandmother had a hunch and it scared them. Amber looks up quickly to meet her grandmother's eye, as awkward silence filled the room. She cleared her throat. "Yeah, she did. She even has a boyfriend now." 

"Oh, she does?" Their grandmother grins. "So what about you two? I know, Amber, you must be beating guys away with a stick." Then their grandfather speaks for the first time. "And TJ, must be like me back in the day. You are a real lady's man, aren't you?" The old man smiles.

TJ doesn't know what came over him but he finds himself speaking up. "Actually, I have a...." he suddenly forces himself to pause, his senses coming back to him. 

"A what dear?" The older woman asks.

"Um, a girlfriend." He lies through his teeth.

"Oh really? And what her name?"

TJ panics. He did not think this through. Amber looks over and sees her brother's look of fear and worry, so she steps in.

"Teej's girlfriend is wonderful! She's actually my best friend, Andi."

"What about you Amber? Do you have a special guy?"

"Uh yeah. His name is...its Cyrus. He's a boy in TJ's class." TJ is dumbfounded, looking at his sister as he tries his best to play along.

Their grandmother looks absolutely giddy. "I must meet them! You should bring them to family dinner on Sunday!"

"What?!" Both siblings say in unison.

"Yea, bring them to dinner this Sunday!" Their grandpa agrees. Every Sunday, they and their parents go to their grandparents house for dinner. But neither of them expected them to invite Andi and Cyrus.

Amber stutters "But aren't those special family time?" 

"Nonsense!" Their grandma exclaimed. Right then their parents return. She turn to their mom, her daughter. "Kim, I told the kids they can bring their special people Sunday." 

Their mother turns to them. "I didn't know you kids were dating anyone."

"Um, yea mom. I am dating Andi, Amber's friend. And you know how close Cyrus and Amber are." TJ tries to play off.

"That's so exciting!" She squeals. "Definitely bring them."

The kids groan internally knowing there is no getting out of this now.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

So that is how they ended up at The Spoon, nervously waiting for Andi and Cyrus. They sat on the same side of the booth, so when Cyrus and Andi walk in, they scoot into the other side across from the Kippen siblings. Both teens immediately notice the look of apprehension on their SO's face.

"What's going on guys?" Andi asks cautiously.

"Yea, you guys are scaring me." Cyrus adds, Andi nodding her head in agreement.

Amber lets out a dry laugh. "It's actually a funny story...um well…." TJ nervously smiles beside her. "We need you guys to be our beards this Sunday." She finishes.

"What do you mean, Ambs?" Andi reaches her hand across the table to grab Amber's.

"I, um, mean that our grandma came over the other day and started asking all these questions and we kind of ended up lying to her and she thinks Cyrus is my boyfriend and you are TJ's girlfriend. Then she told us to invite you guys for dinner. So we need you guys to help us to pretend to be happy straight couples for one night."

Cyrus and Andi share matching faces of shock. Cyrus says "You guys know how crazy this sounds, right?"

"Cy," TJ says pleasingly. "Our family isn't like yours or Andi's. Our parents, and especially our grandparents, are so anti-gay." There is almost a shared pain in the Kippen kids eyes as he speaks.

Cyrus' voice softens. "I know, Teej. I'm sorry. I will do it, if it will help you guys out."

Amber looks at Andi. "Bambi? What do you say?"

Andi smiles at the blonde haired girl staring at her. "Of course. I still think it is crazy but anything to help."

In that moment, TJ and Amber knew how lucky they were to have such amazing partners. The rest of the night was spent planning for Sunday. They needed to get everything right.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

The night they had been dreading finally arrived. They were having Andi and Cyrus meet them at their grandparent's house right before dinner. They figured, the less time they had to act out this charade in front of their family, the better.

Dinner was set to start at 7, and like clock work, Cyrus and Andi show knock on the front door around quarter til. When the kids open the door, Cyrus has a bouquet in his hands. He hands it to Amber and says "My lady. " TJ laughs to himself at the obvious show Cyrus is putting on. 

"Thank you, Cy." She smiles. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Andi wink, tipping her off to the fact that Andi picked those out. She blushes at that thought. Just then their grandfather walks up and slaps his arms around his grandkids' shoulders. 

"See TJ, that's how you treat a lady." He smiles and jokingly continues to TJ, "This young man is really showing you up bringing  flowers for Amber and you didn't get anything for this beautiful girl." He motions to Andi.

"What can I say. Grandpa? Cyrus really knows how to make a girl happy. " All four kids crack a knowing smile at the absurdity of it all.

"Well let's get you kids out of the doorway. We are about to eat." Amber and TJ nod as their grandfather speaks.

TJ moves forward and puts his arm around Andi's shoulder. They both try to look as if this is normal but aren't quite sure they are convincing. TJ hurriedly walks her to the table. Amber grabs Cyrus' hand and follows her brother and girlfriend.

They quickly sit around the long table. Andi and TJ on one side, and Amber and Cyrus on the other. The adults filled in the spaces in between as the begin to eat. It isn't long before their grandmother starts interrogating their "dates." Their parents stay quiet for the most part, letting their grandmother lead the conversation.

She starts with Andi. "Andi, that's an interesting name."

"Yeah, I guess." Andi awkwardly replies, not knowing what to say to that.

"A girl with such a unique name must have an exciting life. Tell me about yourself, dear."

"Well, I go to SAVA and focus on painting and sculpture. But I also love photography." Amber looks intently on Andi as she speaks. The way she always does, like she is holding onto every word. 

"Really?" Their grandma seems genuinely interested, as well as the other adults there. There dad asks, "What is your favorite thing to photograph?"

"I love doing candid shots of people, like I got this really great shot of Amber a few weeks ago." As soon as she realizes what she said, she freezes.

But it doesn't seem to phase anyone. Their grandfather says "Doesn't surprise me, our Amber could be a model. Isn't that right, Cyrus?" He elbows the brunette boy next to him, smiling. 

"Yes sir. She is beautiful." Cyrus smiles before taking Amber's hand over the table. What no one sees is he and TJ playing footsie across the table.

TJ gets the hint that he should probably say something. "Andi's pictures are amazing. She has these great pictures of all her friends. Like there is this really good one of Cyrus on the swings and it's like black and white. It's such a good picture." Andi smiles.

"Teej, you know I hate that one." Cyrus replies.

As if she was speaking for TJ, Amber replies "You know how much I love that picture. You look so cute." TJ looks down and smiles to himself. 

Their grandmother clears her throat. "Anyhow, what about you Cyrus? What do you got going on?"

"Well, I write for the school newspaper and am in the drama club."

Mrs. Kippen, their mother speaks for the first time all night. "I used to write for Grant's newspaper back in my day. What do you write on?" She grins.

"Mainly I'm assigned sports, specifically basketball related news since I am at every game anyhow."

"You like basketball?" Their grandfather questions.

"Not really sure. But I understand  it a lot better now. I am at all the girl's games because our friend, Buffy is on the team. And of course I am at the boy's games because of TJ." Their grandmother shoots him a questioning look.  "You know, Andi is my best friend so of course she drags me along to see her boyfriend play." He says, saving them from an awkward situation.

Dinner continues on without any more close calls. The teens all play their part well. That is until desert. Their grandmother brought out a decadent pie she baked. Everyone was welcome to cut off a slice. Cyrus goes to cut a small slice, when the knife slips, cutting his finger. He hisses in pain as he brings the finger to his face to examine the cut.

Without thinking, when he sees Cyrus hurt herself, TJ blurts out. "Are you okay, Muffin?" The room goes silent and TJ's heart drops.

His grandmother coldly asks "Why did you just call this boy, muffin?"

TJ looks down before saying, "I need to go." He dashes out of the room and to the backyard. As he does, Amber notices the look of sadness and fear in his face. She has now switched to full on protective sibling mode. Meanwhile Cyrus, without hesitation goes after him.

The old woman turns her attention to Amber. "What is going on?" Their parents look at the girl in equal confusion.

Amber takes a deep breath before standing up from the table. Andi looks at her, waiting to follow her lead. "Grandma, I know you know what is going on."

Her grandmother plays dumb. "What are you talking about?"

"Come on, it's the elephant in the room that none of you want to talk about. I see the way grandma and grandpa look at me and TJ." She turns to her parents. "I see the way you two look at us, so how about you ask me?"

"Ask you what, young lady?" Her mother replies.

"Ask me if I am a lesbian, mom." Her mother turns away, refusing to meet her daughter's eyes. Andi takes this as her cue to walk around the table and stand behind Amber, ready to be her support.

Through clenched teeth, Amber commands again. "ASK ME IF I'M GAY."

Her grandmother speaks next. "Don't  talk to your parents like that!"

"Well then, how about I talk to you like that,  then?! Grandma, you know the truth! I see it in your eyes. You know what I am. What TJ is!"

"Amber! Calm yourself!" The older woman replies. "We are not going to discuss this! You have no idea what you are talking about!"

"Yes, we are!" The blonde explodes. Tears mixed with anguish and rage stream down her face. "I'm tired of not talking about this! I'm tired of pretending! You need to accept that you have two QUEER grandkids." She turns to her parents. "You have two QUEER kids." Neither of her parents look at her. Her grandfather stares at his plate. The only person staring at her is her grandmother.

In a calm, icy voice, the woman speaks. "You are a disgrace. This behavior is embarrassing and honestly I feel bad for you. You are so confused." Amber freezes, hoping her parents stand up for her but no one speaks. Tears fall harder.

No one, but Andi. Andi grabs Amber's hand. The younger girl says defyingly. "Amber is the best person I know. She loves harder than anyone I know. She puts her heart out there and trusted me enough to protect it." Andi smiles softly before her features contort to anger as she stares at the adults around her."She deserves the world, not a family who treats her like this. I never want to see her cry, especially at the hands of the people that should love her the most."

The room is quiet. Andi starts to pull Amber to the backyard where the boys are.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Meanwhile, Cyrus had followed TJ outside. TJ slams his fist into the banister on the back patio. "Fuck. I messed up everything."

Cyrus comes up behind him and wraps his arms around the older boy. He rests his head on his shoulder. "You didn't mess up anything."

"Cy, I slipped up. They are all going to know." His voice cracks.

"You are fine, Teej. They are the ones who forced you to lie."

TJ looks down trying to hold himself together. Cyrus slips his hands off TJ so he can get to the side of him so they could look at each other, with TJ turning his body so they staring face-to-face. When he sees the fear in TJ's face and eyes, polluting every beautiful part of him, it breaks his heart. They both hear yelling from the inside. Amber is confronting the family.

"Oh god…" TJ says guiltily. "I just left Amber in there to deal with this. Now I'm an even bigger fuck up."

Before Cyrus could answer, they hear Andi defending Amber and TJ smiles if only for a moment. Cyrus whispers, "Hey you know the same goes for you too. You don't deserve to have your family hurt you. You deserve only love." Cyrus promises. Instinctively, TJ buries his face into Cyrus' shoulder as the brunette wraps his arms around TJ. 

Just then, Andi and Amber walk outside. Andi is holding onto Amber like she is trying to keep the other girl from falling into pieces. They step closer. "Cy?" Andi asks.

"Yea?" Cyrus whispers in return. 

"Let's get out of here. I think we all know they aren't sleeping at their house tonight." 

 

Cyrus nods. That night, all 4 of them had a sleepover at Andi's. They weren't sure on the plan for the next day. But that night, all that mattered was being together.

[pellicano-sanguino]

Read this lesbian retelling of romance between Guinevere and Lancelot. It’s ok. Wish I could have liked it more, but due to some personal preferences I found it a bit underwhelming.

I like Arthurian legends and chivalric romances, and I like the story of Guinevere and Lancelot. Yes, I’m very much aware most people think it’s a story done to death and Lancelot is considered a boring Mary Sue. I make no attempt to hide the fact that the 2011 Takarazuka musical about the subject is like 98% of the reason I like the story. 

I can’t read about Lasse and not picture Makaze Suzuho in a silvery leather overalls armor.

The story is being told in first perspective, from Lasse’s point of view (now my nickname for Lancelot is truly fitting, because in this story she is a lass, heh heh). This is just a personal preference, but I don’t like this style. I prefer to see the story objectively, now Lasse passes her own judgment and opinion on everything and I can’t help but feel that it’s limiting. Also, damn does Lasse self monologue in a weird, cryptic manner. I know Arthurian myths aren’t known as stories grounded in reality and I know poetic language is to be expected. But sometimes Lasse’s thought process is hard to follow and she just says plain weird things. I get flashbacks to Rose of Versailles and Andre spewing out some nonsense about his love becoming a fossil encased in amber.

I do wonder if the writer is into Wicca or paganism, because there’s some pretty heavy anti-christian pro-paganism messages in the book. Lasse holds great respect for the old religion and one of the reasons she doesn’t like Arthur is because he is a Christian king. Which, for storytelling purposes, is understandable. The way Christianity wiped out the pagan religions of Europe by swordpoint (convert or have your head cut off) is a tragedy that isn’t often talked about (because there are other, more violent examples of forcibly spreading Christianity that tend to get the spotlight more). Of course Lasse, who was raised by Lady of Lake, a creature of old myths, would resent having this new religion replace all the ancient wisdoms she’d been taught and seeing the new faith shamelessly slap their holidays over the pagan festivals. 

The clash of these religions is an interesting part of world building. But Lasse’s view of the old religion as something sacred and flawless and perfect is naive and childish. It’s like reading the thoughts of someone who was brainwashed by a cult at a young age and so is incapable of finding faults in the doctrine or criticizing anything related to the practices. Pagan religions could (and often would) be used as a tool of power and be rooted in the same harmful ideas as Christianity. For a woman, it makes no difference if the one commanding her to “know her natural place” was a patriarchal male God or a sacred pagan Goddess, her freedom to choose for herself is still being taken away by a religion who wishes to control her. 

Lasse is secretly being raised as a boy, Rose of Versailles style. This means that once she is maturing, she must go through “an initiation ritual” meant for boys. This ritual? A fucking date rape. They make her drink some sort of drug or love potion and then provide a woman for her to sleep with so she can “become a man.” Once Lasse sobers up, she feels awful about what happened. And yet, even in this moment, realizing that she was drugged and made to have sex she didn’t want, she will not question the old religion. She will not criticize this disgusting practice, believing that though unpleasant, it must have been necessary for her to become adult. Yeah no, I’m sorry, but whenever religions start including sex in their rituals and pressure people into participating, a siren starts wailing in my head CUUUUUUUULLLLTTT! IT’S A FUCKING SEX CULT! GET THE MINORS OUT NOW!

I was happy, that the drugged rape doesn’t get described in detail. Sex is never described in detail in this book. In a way, I can see a scene where Lasse gets drugged to have sex could be a nod to the begetting of Galahad (which obviously won’t be happening in this version of the story). But still, I would have greatly appreciated if there hadn’t been a rape scene at all. The only kind of sex scenes I want in my books are the Sober and Enthusiastic Consent ones.

I once saw someone make a post that Lancelot and Gawain are the Arthurian version of Team Edward/Team Jacob. I must say, there’s a seed of truth in here. When you have a story where Gawain is the best knight and main character, Lasse tends to be painted as a selfish adulterous asshole who ruins everything, and when you have a story where Lasse is the leading role and painted as super virtuous, Gawain tends to gear up his negative traits. It’s like you can’t have both of them be likable at the same time. In this book, Gawain (and a whole bunch of other knights) get the asshole makeover treatment. Well, Gawain and Lasse do end up becoming friends but Gawain doesn’t stop being a jerkface and doesn’t really deserve Lasse’s friendship (If someone called my mother a whore, I would simply not forgive and befriend them. Rip to Lasse, but I actually care about my mother more than I do about some entitled dudebro.). I find this kind of writing a little lazy, making other characters pointlessly rude just so the main character looks better in comparison.

Ok, I’ve talked about the parts I didn’t like. Here’s some things I liked.

The book is illustrated. The art isn’t particularly fancy, but I liked it. I wish more books had illustrations, not just the books for kids.

The relationship between Lasse and Guinevere begins in their childhood, before Gwen is married to Arthur. I prefer love stories that give the characters a long period of time to develop their feelings for each other (as opposed to stories of them falling in love overnight Romeo&Juliet style). Also, it reminded me of the zuka musical.

Another thing I liked is that the relationship between Gwen and Lasse isn’t adulterous. They are very much in love with each other, but they won’t have sex. I would have forgiven them if they did, since Gwen didn’t have any say in her marriage and so it turned out a loveless political marriage. It’s a whole different thing to romanticize cheating and to understand that women in forced marriages had no other choice but to seek love of someone who loved her as a person, not as a moneybag. But Lasse and Gwen are virtuous, so they are above such thinking. When she married Arthur, Gwen made a promise to be faithful to him, and despite not loving him, she will not break this promise. Well, not until Arthur divorces her in favor of the False Guinevere.

Which brings me to the thing I probably liked the most - Gwen has an evil twin. And no, this isn’t the writer slapping some modern trope over a classic tale, this is a genuine legend. There are stories where Guinevere has a sister who seeks to replace her. Seeing a lesser known legend get adapted brought a smile to my face. We can tell a story of Gwen and Lasse without using the same old stories of Grail quest and abduction of Guinevere. It was fascinating. 

Once the False Guinevere has convinced Arthur that she is the real queen, Gwen is cast out (well, after Lasse has to fight for her honour to save her from death penalty). Lasse and Gwen travel to Galehaut’s place (a friend of Lasse’s) and there, freed from her promise, Gwen finally has sex with Lasse. And only now, very close to the end of the book, is it revealed that Lasse is actually a woman. Saving this plot twist to so near the end feels a bit unnecessary, because I’m pretty sure 9 out of 10 people who buy this book already know about it and, much like me, bought the book exactly because of it. I can’t really imagine there being very many who managed to get to the end and actually be surprised.

The book kinda has a happy ending, but that’s partly because it ends before shit hits the fan re: Mordred. Mordred is in the book, but he’s only discussed about, never seen. There’s plenty of hints and foreshadowing that Arthur’s reign will come to a violent end some day. But the book leaves that to our imagination.

This is a decent book. If you’re into women and chivalric romance, go for it. But if you prefer a love story with more overtly sensual take on the intimate scenes, you might be happier with some other book, this one is very chaste. Also, you have to be willing to only see the story from Lasse’s perspective, and you have to be ok with Gawain being a prick. But all in all, it’s not a bad read. 

[kariachi]

”So, we’re gonna start today’s Martin Mystery rewatches with The Vampire Returns. Should I have listened to more of the Young Frankenstein soundtrack during lunch in preparation? Probably. But here we are instead.

I love how this show always specifies the exact time shit starts going down. For instance, in this episode, 10:32 pm CEST

~~

Good on Lady Soulsucker’s date for paying enough attention to notice when the girl he’s out with grows fangs and her eyes start glowing. You don’t see that often enough.

Aw and then she takes the daintiest bite of apple with teeth bigger than Date-Dude’s face.

I wonder how they got out without being noticed... can’t remember if the vampires in this episode can do the ‘turn to fog’ thing. Sure I’ll find out later.

~~

Diana sitting there with a book and a crowd of impressed young ladies. What are you showing them, Diana? Did you make this book yourself? Did you mother write it? I can’t think of a reason for the ooo-ing and ahh-ing going on otherwise. Either that or you managed to attract a pack of lesbians and they are trying to get in your pants.

...ya know I’m kinda all for the idea that Diana has unwittingly attracted a chunk of Torrington’s lesbian population and they are all trying to smooze in the awkward way that only a young gay can manage.

Also hello Tonio, it’s nice to see you. I’m going to have to include you in this in some way, I believe, given the location and also that this is a fic for nix.

Martin, Martin, sweetie, no. You are not getting that girl. There were actual sparkles coming off her, you don’t deserve that sort’ve quality. Plus, ya know, she sounds like your brand of nerd isn’t her style. I know the saying is “aim for the moon, if you fail you’ll land among the stars” but let’s be realistic for five seconds

Tonio can see this disaster coming from a mile away.

Amber is not having it, solidly unimpressed. I’m shocked.

You think the girls at this school ever rate the boys and just, give Martin a solid 6/10 for effort and moxie alone? “We wouldn’t date him, but at least he’s entertainingly stupid.”

Amber’s look of shock and concern at the idea of Martin enjoying studying. Like she’s about to call in the Psi Psi Psi girls and Diana, clearly their moron has fallen ill. Diana, meanwhile, is just pissed and I can’t decide whether the idea that this is because Martin is lying to get a date or because ‘has he been lying for the past our entire lives’ is funnier.

Though, given we’ll be working with witch!Martin for this it’s not like he’s lying. He just doesn’t like studying, well, anything they teach at Torrington. (Although I am still a big fan of the idea that he’s perfectly bright and just doesn’t apply himself like, at all.)

Martin don’t growl at your sister, you’ll get enough chances to in season 3.

And Amber trying to let him down easy.

~~

“Very rare, and totally irreplaceable” and you, all the way into season 2, are going to work with them, in your office, immediately after calling in Martin- known disaster and Destroyer of Projects? I swear you’d think MOM wanted her crap ruined. After a point you have no one to blame but yourself.

Martin no.

I repeat, MOM, no one to blame but yourself. Most people with an ounce of sense would stow away the shit they didn’t want destroyed when the guy who keeps destroying shit was called in.

Diana no. You’re being sent on a mission not a fucking river cruise.

~~

Introducing, the world’s scariest tunnel of love. First condoms in the water, now people going missing, this dude is just done.

Well Lady Soulsucker just fucking demolished that place didn’t she. Godsdamn, forget shutting it down because people disappeared, shut it down because it’s officially a safety hazard.

Okay, access hatch in the ceiling, that explains that.

...Okay but Martin isn’t entirely wrong with his assessment here? Something strong and nocturnal is right on the nose, and while the werewolf and half-beast-half-humanoid (and I love he uses that word specifically) hybrid guesses aren’t quite right, they aren’t far off the mark. He brought his A game today.

Diana, darling, kids playing practical jokes generally don’t leave fair rides completely demolished in their wake. That is not a normal occurrence.

Java about to eat half-consumed food off the floor like child did Diana not teach you better than that? I wouldn’t be surprised Martin didn’t but Diana?

500 year old saliva. This is the sort’ve ridiculousness I expect from this show. What, did Lady Soulsucker not swallow, spit, or brush her teeth since she escaped her coffin? Was she going around with 500 years of no brushing on her breath? Of course she’s got vampire hypnosis it’s the only way she could get a date.

Vampire goes rwar at children, flees into the sun to escape capture. Also he may need some heavier clothes, those don’t seem to be keeping the sunlight out.

~~

Martin no.

Billy making himself useful. Helping them follow the massive flashing clue that is the vampire’s clothing.

Martin slow your jock-ass down

Martin no, purple isn’t your color.

Okay, can I just say here that Lady Soulsucker looks fucking weird? She looks like a haunted porcelain doll. Or a shitty oc. Here, a theme song to go with her.

Question, why is there a surf shop in the middle of Paris? Is Paris big for surfing? A true French sport?

Oh, yeah, Simone, I forgot her name. It’s very French. Also dude chill.

Diana will not be stopped by some weird hyper-jealous dude.

She also, ya know, looks like a fucking corpse. But yeah, the reflection thing is your first clue something’s up.

He doesn’t see her, he doesn’t hear her, he doesn’t smell the 500-yo morning breath. I claiming him as an anosmiac by the way, the flag is in.

Welp. I can’t decide whether this feeding was more or less extreme than the last one. I mean, this time was pretty fucking hardcore, but last time she demolished an entire fair ride.

Simone, sweetie, have you considered that if you are looking for a specific guy maybe, just maybe, the way to go about it isn’t to just eat whatever random dude happens to be within hypnotizing range? Just a thought?

“He needs help, I’m going in” Martin says right after watching a guy get eaten by a vampire, proving that while he may not be the moron we deserve, he’s the moron we need. Diana, on the other hand, is a voice of reason and doesn’t deserve this shit.

Lucky those clothes were there to break your fall, Martin.

Martin, after dropping from the ceiling into a vampire’s feeding ground, alone: Don’t make me fuck your shit up! Simone, seeing this: Oh yay it’s my moron! Speak of the devil!

Am I saying Gerard was probably just as much an impulsive dumbshit as his great-x-grandson? Yes. Yes I am.

“Clever, and brave.” And a complete moron of a dork. “Just like my Gerard.”

“And just as handsome” it’s nice to see the looks keep in that family? I don’t believe Gerard got the floaty hair though, but his hair looked stupid so really Martin has the advantage there.

Vampire minions are strong, holding back Java with one hand.

Vampire true love is apparently very sparky.

Well Diana, at least you saved the watch.

~~

Martin gets abducted by vampires, Billy immediately must run to the scene.

I’d be impressed with your strength, Java, if those doors hadn’t looked 70% fallen in before you got to them. You could’ve probably gotten the same result from a hearty cough on them.

Gerard=Martin w/o floaty hair or modern fashion. Don’t know why the portrait is in black in white.

You’d think Billy could’ve taken the thirty seconds to read a brief overview about the woman while he waited for Diana and Java, but no.

No wonder Gerard looks weird, there’s not even a splash of warm color in that outfit. And warm tones don’t do Simone any favors. Coordinate your fashion better, people, you’re vampires for fuck’s sake! What would Mike say!

How do we know about genes from a 15th century vampire? Also I note she says ‘relative’ and not ‘descendant’, but I’m not in the mood to dig into that.

Billy you are literally a galactic conqueror, but your big boy underwear on and get in the basement.

Let’s be real, Diana, that’s just a sibling thing. You go into horrible places to save them so you can give them hell about making you go to a horrible place to save them.

How many minions has Simone gotten together? Like, the clan hasn’t been renewed yet, so... When did she get the time? It’s been like 24 hours

Okay, that explains new guy A, what about B and C over there, who look like they stepped out of Robin Hood? where they sealed in with you? Is this the old crew?

Simone, queen of the night and motivational speeches.

Martin you can’t just call on a specific guy, poor thing probably had a heart attack. “Fuck, my Lady’s new consort has beef, fuckfuckfuck” but no, you just want some fucking fries. And Simone is fucking loving it.

~~

Okay, so we know some of them sleep upside down.

It’s nice to see vampires can still be active sleepers.

Hissy vampires on all fours

Vampire!Martin is perfectly fine with being an evil trophy husband

Vampire!Martin standing there like “yeah, you rule the underworld, babe, rocking it!”

~~

“Do you know how much grief I’ll get at Torrington if my stepbrother comes back a vampire?” Would it really be that much more than you get just for having him as a stepbrother in the first place?

A vampire lord consort and yet still, at heart, an annoying brother

Simone: Get me back my fucking moron and we’re all screwed!

Tell me that’s like, Diana or Java’s dirty sock because I’m fairly certain even Martin doesn’t deserve to have his own stuffed in his mouth

And Simone becomes a massive fucking bat beast. Fur, muzzle, little winglet-dealies, big ears, big teeth, no tail...

Okay, yeah, Java’s sock, cool

Those are some seriously dirty windows. Or, well, were.

Sunlight burns everybody but also burns Simone to fucking ash right quick. Which then removes the curse on her victims.

Also I wanna know more about this apparent vampire gene. It is of much interest, especially given next episode will be dealing with werewolves and in some folklore werewolves when killed become vampires, so...

~~

Martin. No.

Amber really. Either you were setting him up or you yourself are dense as teak.

Oh Martin... stick with spies and monsters, honey

[thetaekswoon]

My Answers to 100 Questions

So technically I wasn’t tagged to do this, but I have been seeing it around and it seems fun and like a good way for people to get to know each other, so I wanted to do it.

When did I first started listening to kpop? - I first was introduced to kpop with the YouTubers React to KPOP and it was actually EXO’s Overdose that originally got me into the genre and I’m going to say that was around 2 years ago?  Then around a year ago, I saw my friend dance to KPOP songs and thought it was awesome and that exposed me to GOT7′s Just Right and BTS’s Dope, but then this previous year I couldn’t stop thinking about Dope and somehow found VIXX’s Chained Up and that was the song and group that I fell head-first into this mess with.

First group I listened to/liked? - As I said above I really liked Overdose, but GOT7 was the first group that I looked up their names and I immediately liked Mark, so technically Mark was the first bias I ever had.

Do you prefer boy groups or girl groups? - Boy groups, but recently I’ve been listening to some girl groups as well.

Favorite female group? - Red Velvet (I also really like Blackpink)

Favorite male group? - VIXX (Though BTS is an incredibly close second, I’m just incredibly loyal)

Favorite female solo artist? - Hyuna? (I don’t really listen to any solo artists, but I’m open for suggestions!)

Favorite male solo artist? - GDragon and Eric Nam

Top 3 Groups? 1. VIXX 2. BTS 3. ASTRO

Favorite Kpop Song? - FIRE by BTS

Favorite Kpop happy song? - Just Right by GOT7 + Highlight by Seventeen

Favorite Kpop sad song? - Stigma by BTS (Kim Taehyung)

Favorite kpop smut song? - Chained Up by VIXX

Favorite KPop song of 2017 so far? - Not Today by BTS + 1.2.3 by B.I.G

Favorite debut? - Knock by KNK

Favorite debut of 2017 so far? - Haven’t seen any yet... whoops.

Favorite mv of 2017 so far? - Never Ever by GOT7 (Though I loved Spring Day + Not Today by BTS, I was surprised more by Never Ever)

Favorite mv? - Fantasy by VIXX + I NEED U by BTS

Favorite album/mini album? - The Most Beautiful Moment in Life: Young Forever (BTS)

Favorite album/mini album or 2017 so far? - WIngs: You Never Walk Alone (BTS)

Your bias group? - VIXX

Your ultimate bias? - Leo (Jung Taekwoon) from VIXX 

Favorite GIF of your ultimate bias? - Um... tbh I don’t think I have one?  He looks cute all the time.

Favorite picture of your ultimate bias?

Favorite thing about your bias? - I really like how much Leo has grown since debut, I mean he used to be really quiet but now he is comfortable and talks and makes jokes and I’m so proud.

Was he your bias from the start? - Yep :)

Your top 10 biases?   1. Leo - VIXX 2. Jungkook - BTS 3. Rocky - ASTRO 4. Hongbin - VIXX 5. V - BTS 6. Mark - GOT7 7. Minhyuk - Monsta X 8. Wonho - Monsta X 9. Ten - NCT U 10. Ken - VIXX

Have you ever changed biases more than 3 times in what group? - Yeah totally.

If so; what group and what members? - When I first started to watch BTS videos I liked Jin, but then when I got into them I had Rapmonster as my bias, and then it was Suga, but now it is Jungkook (And tbh V is driving me insane he’s the worst bias wrecker)

Favorite Ship? - Wontaek + Vkook + Markson

Do you ship the “mom & dad” in your favorite group? - Nope!  Neo is cute, but Wontaek stole my heart.

Who’s the mom and dad in your favorite group? - Leo (Jung Taekwoon) + N (Cha Hakyeon)

Who do you end up liking more in groups; Leaders, Maknaes, mood makers, vocal, rap, “mom”, “dad”, english speaker, drummer, guitarist, pianist? - Vocalists + visuals, but I really don’t follow any kind of pattern.

If your bias got a girlfriend/boyfriend how would you feel? - I’d cry out of pure happiness, they deserve the world and I’m sure finding love as an idol is incredibly difficult, so if Leo found someone and they made it public that would mean that they really meant something to him, and I’d just cry for the happy couple.

How would you feel if your bias came out gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc.? - I really don’t like this question tbh because it’s our jobs as fans to support our biases through thick and thin, and being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, but this question kind of makes it sound like people would stop supporting their bias if they were, those people aren’t real fans.

Do you think any kpop idols are gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc.? - I have a few in mind, but I don’t actually go out of my way to figure these kinds of things out or stereotype people, it’s just a vibe I get from them.

If so; who? - N (Cha Hakyeon) from VIXX 

Top 3 favorite groups 1. VIXX 2. BTS 3. ASTRO

Favorite kpop blog? - @jinxkook 

Favorite kpop scenario blog? - @vixx17andbtsimagines​, we don’t talk, but they’re blog is incredible, their aus are out of this world and they never fail to come up with new and original material.  Such and inspiration.

Favorite kpop smut blog? - @btssmutgalore

Favorite Kpop fanfic? - Comeback Kids by rix on AO3

Favorite show with kpop idols? - Weekly Idol

Do you prefer saying “Oppa” or being called “Noona”? - Honestly don’t prefer either, and calling someone “oppa” weirds me out a little bit, just because of the sexual context it’s often applied to.

Is is cuter when KPop Idols know your language or don’t know it and try to speak it? - I think it’s really sexy when an idol knows English, but it’s really cute when they try to use it and practice.

BIGBANG: “Bang Bang Bang” or “We like 2 Party?” - Bang Bang Bang

iKon: “#WYD” or “Rhythm Ta”? - Rhythm Ta (but I just think it’s catchy I’m not a big fan of ikon)

Monsta X: “Perfect Girl” or “All in”? - All In

BTS: “Save Me” or “Fire”? - FIRE

EXO: “Monster” or “Growl?” - Monster

Astro: “Breathless” or “Hide&Seek”? - Breathless

Red Velvet vs. EXID: “Ice Cream Cake” or “Up & Down”? - Up & Down by EXID, but I like Red Velvet better.

4Minute: “Crazy” or “Hate”? - Crazy

NCT U vs NCT 127: “The 7th Sense” or “Fire Truck”? - The 7th Sense

Got7: “Just Right” or “Fly”? - Just Right

Amber vs Ailee: “Borders” or “Insane”? - I haven’t heard either tbh...

FTISLAND: “Take Me Now” or “Pray”? - Take Me Now

History: “Queen” or “Might Just Die”? - Queen 

KNK: “Knock” or “Back Again”? - Knock

Day6: “Congratulations” or “Letting Go”? - Congratulations

Block B: “Her” or “Toy” - Her

ZICO: “I am You, You are Me” or “Boys And Girls”? - I haven’t heard either...

B.A.P: “Feel So Good” or “Young, Wild & Free?” - Feel So Good

Seventeen: “Nice Very Nice” or “Adore U”? - Nice Very Nice

Taeyeon: “I (feat Verbal Jint)” or “Why”? - I (feat Verbal Jint)

G-Dragon Vs. Taeyang: “Who you?” or “Eyes, Nose, Lips” - Eyes, Nose, Lips

BTS: “The Most Beautiful Moment In Life Series” or “Dark & Wild”? - The Most Beautiful Moment in Life Series

Day6: “The Day” or “DAYDREAM?” - I haven’t heard either, but I want to listen and hopefully stan Day6 soon.

BIGBANG: “A” or “M” - M

Monsta X: “The Clan, Pt.1 <LOST>” or “Rush”? - The Clan, Pt.1 <LOST>

Seventeen: “Boys Be” or “First Love&Letter”? - First Love&Letter

EXO: “Ex’ACT” or “Love Me Right”? - Love Me Right

Astro: “Spring Up” or “Summer Vibes”? - Spring Up

Vixx: “Chained Up” or “Error”? - Chained Up

EXO or BTS? - BTS

SISTAR or Red Velvet? - Red Velvet

NCT U or NCT 127? - NCT 127 (I love Ten so much, but I like NCT 127 music a little more)

Girls’ Day or Girls Generation? - Girls Generation

Seventeen or GOT7? - GOT7

Winner or iKon? - Winner

Block B or Beast? - Block B

Romeo or Astro? - ASTRO

Jimin or Jungkook? - Jungkook

Xiumin or Chanyeol? - Chanyeol

Taeyeon or Ailee? - Taeyeon

Jay Park or Dean? - Jay Park

G-Dragon or Taeyang? - G Dragon

Amber or Henry? - Amber

Wooshin or Hwanhee (up10tion)? - I don’t really listen to UP10TION...

Jeonghan or Dino? - Dino

Taemin or Jonghyun? - Taemin

Seulgi or Irene? - Seulgi

Got7: Markson or Markjin? - Markson

Red Velvet: JoyGi or WenRi - WenRi

BTS: VKook or JiKook? - VKOOK VKOOK VKOOK

EXO: Hunhan or Kaisoo? - Hunhan

Monsta X: Showhyuk or Jookyun? - Showhyuk 

Topp Dogg: Hanjoo or Xenissi? - I’m not really a Topp Dogg stan so I don’t know their names and such.

NCT: TaeTen or JaeYong? - Um... JohnTen

Seventeen: Meanie or Jeongcheol? - Meanie

iKon: Double B or Double J (Junhwan)? - I’m not a fan of ikon.

So this is a lot of questions, but it’s not that bad haha.  I tag @harmonix, @hakyeon-go-go, @jinxkook, @n-chanted, @i-wontaek-your-shit, and @hobi-oppa

[burnt-enough-starlight]

I’m it Tag

I was tagged by @hakyeon-go-go and @reila-ravkong, thanks you thank you😊😊😊😊

I was also tagged by @ravissant-xxiv and @wonsik-chic for the 10 biases tag, thank you lovelies.

I tag you: @achahakyeon @tranquies @nxnight You don’t have to do it~

Under the cut because of length

Your top 10 biases?  

GOD DAMN RA V I HUSTLE YELLOW (V I DOUBLE X IN DA HOUZ)

Mr.Tigger Bang YongGuk (B.A.P)

Onew (Shinee)

Kyungsoo (Exo)

Baekhyun (Exo)

(I didn't repeat members from the same group for the sake of diversity cuz you know all of my VIXX babies and Lay are supposed to be there)

First group I listened to/liked? TVXQ, Super Junior, Mblaq, 2am/ 2pm.

Do you prefer boy groups or girl groups? even tho my bias groups are boy groups, I don’t have a preference of gender, If the music's good I'd give it a go.

Favorite female group? Orange Caramel!!!

Favorite male group? VIXX!

Favorite female solo artist? Hyolyn 

Favorite male solo artist? John Park

Top 3 Groups? VIXX, SHINee, B.A.P

Favorite Kpop Song? I can't choose, too many!!

Favorite happy Kpop song? All Orange Caramel songs!

Favorite Kpop sad song? TAEHYUN 좋더라 (I'M YOUNG) (It depressed me for a week when it came out)

Favorite Kpop smut song? Jonghyun - Moon (this is tmi but I literally described it to my friend as a dick riding song I'M SORRY!!!)

Favorite Kpop song of 2017 so far? RAVI - Rose Feat. Ken

Favorite debut? B.A.P!!! TILL THIS DAY NO ONE MATCHED THEM!!!

Favorite debut of 2017 so far? Highlight  😏

Favorite mv of 2017 so far? Ravi - Bomb (the original version!!!!)

Favorite mv? VIXX - Error.

Favorite album/mini album? VIXX Kratos

Favorite album/mini album of 2017 so far? The only album I’ve listened to in its entirety is R.EAL1ZE  

Your ultimate bias? My marshmallow KIM RAVI!!!

Favorite GIF of your ultimate bias? 💘💘💘

Favorite picture of your ultimate bias? 💀💀💀💀

Favorite thing about your bias? his scrunchy nose when he laughs

Was he your bias from the start? No, Leo was my first bias.

Have you ever changed biases more than 3 times and in what group? in VIXX it’s hard to stick to one but my ass always goes back to Wonshik.

If so; what group and what members?

Favorite Ship? all the exos

Do you ship the “mom & dad” in your favorite group? Neo!

Who’s the mom and dad in your favorite group? N and Leo

Who do you end up liking more in groups; Leaders, Maknaes, mood makers, vocal, rap, “mom”, “dad”, English speaker, drummer, guitarist, pianist? Leaders and Rappers

If your bias got a girlfriend/boyfriend how would you feel? I’d be so happy for him and supportive because he deserves the world.

How would you feel if your bias came out gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc.? I’d be proud of him/her for being so brave and comfortable with his/her sexuality and will support him/her all the way.

Do you think any kpop idols are gay/lesbian/bisexual/etc.? I don’t like speculating and I don't really care for their sexuality, it doesn't affect my view of them.

If so; who?

Favorite kpop blog? I follow so many great blogs!

Favorite kpop scenario blog? Favorite kpop smut blog? Favorite Kpop fanfic?  I made an entire post about this.

Favorite show with kpop idols? Weekly Idol?

Do you prefer saying “Oppa” or being called “Noona”? Neither; I’m not korean.

Is it cuter when KPop Idols know your language or don’t know it and try to speak it? I appreciate their effort to communicate with I-fans either way :’)

BIGBANG: “Bang Bang Bang” or “We like 2 Party”

iKon: “#WYD” or “Rhythm Ta”

Monsta X: “Perfect Girl” or “All in”

BTS: “Save Me” or “Fire”

EXO: “Monster” or “Growl?”

Astro: “Breathless” or “Hide&Seek”? (I’ve never heard any of their songs)

Red Velvet vs. EXID: “Ice Cream Cake” or “Up & Down”?

4Minute: “Crazy” or “Hate”?

NCT U vs NCT 127: “The 7th Sense” or “Fire Truck”?

Got7: “Just Right” or “Fly”?

Amber vs Ailee: “Borders” or “Insane”?

History: “Queen” or “Might Just Die”?

KNK: “Knock” or “Back Again”?

Day6: “Congratulations” or “Letting Go”?

Block B: “Her” or “Toy”

ZICO: “I am You, You are Me” or “Boys And Girls”?

B.A.P: “Feel So Good” or “Young, Wild & Free”?

Seventeen: “Nice Very Nice” or “Adore U”?

Taeyeon: “I (feat Verbal Jint)” or “Why”?

G-Dragon Vs. Taeyang: “Who you?” or “Eyes, Nose, Lips”

BTS: “The Most Beautiful Moment In Life Series” or “Dark & Wild”?

Day6: “The Day” or “DAYDREAM”?

BIGBANG: “A” or “M”

Monsta X: “The Clan, Pt.1 ” or “Rush”?

Seventeen: “Boys Be” or “First Love&Letter”?

EXO: “Ex’ACT” or “Love Me Right”?

Astro: “Spring Up” or “Summer Vibes”?

Vixx: “Chained Up” or “Error”? (How dare you!)

EXO or BTS?

SISTAR or Red Velvet?

NCT U or NCT 127?

Girls’ Day or Girls Generation?

Seventeen or GOT7?

Winner or iKon?

Block B or Beast?

Romeo or Astro?

Jimin or Jungkook?

Xiumin or Chanyeol?

Taeyeon or Ailee?

Jay Park or Dean?

G-Dragon or Taeyang?

Amber or Henry?

Wooshin or Hwanhee (up10tion)?

Jeonghan or Dino?

Taemin or Jonghyun?

Seulgi or Irene?

Got7: Markson or Markjin?

Red Velvet: JoyGi or WenRi?

BTS: VKook or JiKook?

EXO: Hunhan or Kaisoo?

Monsta X: Showhyuk or Jookyun?

Topp Dogg: Hanjoo or Xenissi?

NCT: TaeTen or JaeYong?

Seventeen: Meanie or Jeongcheol?

iKon: Double B or Double J (Junhwan)?