#And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife.
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What doesn't kill you makes you sad strange defensive and difficult to connect with
#It's my annual visit to stay with my parents which means#Two weeks of being as normal as possible around people all day while my journal entries get increasingly unhinged#Because openness fosters interpersonal closeness but I don't know how to be Open around them in a way that doesn't massively hurt for evry1#Like. How am I? I'm in near constant emotional pain because coming back here sucks. Because my memories of here since#like eleven are of suffering and fear and inability to escape. So I'm scared and hurting. But!#I will keep coming back here anyway. Because one day I won't have my parents anymore. And I don't want to regret time not spent with them.#It's a bit perverse isn't it. Being motivated by fleeing fear instead of pursuing love. But that's where I'm at.#And what are my parents meant to do with that? They can't fix it. Or me. They can't apologize in a way that would mean anything to me.#They can only suffer in guilt and helplessness. And then I'll imagine their suffering and hurt more for it.#And that's it! Fin! The only endpoint I can see. I've tried putting it on their shoulders before. It only hurts.#So I will try very hard to behave like I'm calm and okay. And in two weeks or when I snap -whichever comes first- I'll go back home#And return to the peace of social isolation and cleaning my house and admiring wildlife.#It's not healthy to keep oneself so alone. But I am not healthy. I'm sad and strange and defensive and difficult to connect with.#And nobody but me can help me and I don't know how to be different.#Christ. I need to go back to therapy. I need a hint.#Memories
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