#And yet somehow still got A's in all the same IB classes i took

[freebooter4ever]

Help, why do those gifs of geno in his blocky-ass suit look like they belong in a video retrospective abt a mediocre russian public school debate team? This is maybe too specific an association but ?!?!?! He’s forgetting the term for “strawman” and just saying “fuck you” in english until a teacher catches on, he only joined the club to appease his mother, he’s wearing the same suit to every event and making off-color jokes about siberians until people forget he is one.

I confess I have no idea what this is talking about, haha :) I will agree though that the suit looks early 2000's.

[sergeant-donny-donowitz]

The Excuse: Donny Donowitz x Reader (Postwar AU)

requested by the homie @struggling-bee :' )

@owba-chan @war-obsessed @inglourious-imagines @tealaquinn @struggling-bee @frozenhuntress67 @kwyloz @sodapop182 @marlenemarauders @what-the--curtains @taikawho

Let me know if you wanna be added to the IB or OUATIH taglists! :)

_____________ ***January, 1946*** Donny was walking through his neighborhood, just like he had every afternoon since he got back from the war. He never did that before... He was tired, but he could never sleep. He was angry, but there were no nazis he could (legally) scalp.   He couldn't seem to settle back down. Things in his mind didn't quite quiet down. Sometimes, it seemed like the war was still on. Donny was the man that killed Hitler, after all. It was hard to go back to being just Donny, Sy Donowitz' boy. He couldn't even seem to find someone to talk to. All the guys he used to go to school with, or play baseball with were either busy buying houses, busy with a baby or two, or busy with a brand new business. Some of those guys had bum knees now. Some of them just never came back... And the girls they all used to hang around with had 'just married' signs on their cars, or busy fighting to keep running the jobs they had the keys to during the war. They weren't the same kids sneaking into bars, playing ball, and dancing to brass bands. They were soldiers.

He walked with his hands in his coat pockets, looking down at the pavement. His shoes over the concrete were a stark contrast to worn down boots over snowy forest floors and enemy bones. He shut his eyes, wondering where the boys were now? Of course, he knew Aldo was in Tennessee....but where? Was he sitting up in his cabin? Was he visiting his sister? Telling his nieces and nephews stories they wouldn't believe till they read their history books? And Hugo? He'd moved to a quiet, small, almost impossible to find town in Connecticut. Was he finding the heart to talk to the girl at a corner store? Smitty?  Smitty lived in New York. He'd promised Donny he'd go back to school. He made it into NYU, was he in class right now? Was he visiting his grandparents? And Hirschberg? Was he out with his girl? Was he finally looking for a ring? And Omar? Wicki? What were they all up to? Were they all having a hard time going back to the way things used to be? Donny glanced at his watch. 5:47 PM. A year earlier this time, they'd be camped out somewhere between France and Germany, listening to Aldo telling stories. Hugo would be sharpening a knife.  Omar and Donny would be fighting about baseball. He sighed, walking around the corner, finding his street. He heard a dog barking. An old, half-blind, but excited pitbull trotted up to the fence. "Hey Bugsy! Hey girl!" Donny smiled, as he crouched by the fence and reached through, petting Bugsy. His neighbors had that dog since he was in high school. Bugsy belonged to the kid next door, Andrew. He went to school with Donny. He played ball with Donny. He went to war with Donny. He was a marine. He never came back. But, ever since Bugsy was a puppy, she'd always seen Donny and Andrew walk down the street together, after school, after practive, after games. Ever since Donny came back from the war, and walked down the street, back to his home, with his uniform on, Bugsy whined and cried excitedly, thinking Andrew was following. And every time Bugsy saw Donny, she'd bark and whine, happily thinking Andrew wouldn't be long. Donny sighed, as he patted her head, "Sorry Bugs. He ain't comin' home today either." He started to get up, and she began to whine. He sighed with a soft smile, "I know, Bugs... I miss him too." She sat, putting her paw up against the fence. Donny chuckled a little, "I'll be back tomorrow. Promise," as he walked over to his home, just next door. He shuffled through the rest of the day blankly, as he did most days. Soldiers... He sighed, Most of them seemed to be perfectly happy, somehow settling back in seamlessly...At least, it seemed that way to Donny. He was happy to be back in his dad's barbershop again, but...he'd often look out the window with a quiet sigh, missing some things he'd left behind. Like the basterds. Life seemed to move ever so slowly now...And there was no one he could share it with. Night bled into morning, and he was working again. He was sweeping up his dad's shop, just before opening. He smelled coffee, and remembered the day after the war ended. The basterds woke up in a tavern, somewhere in Paris they hadn't been before. Covered in streamers, with headaches, and a flight home, they all drank some coffee to ease the aftermath of the last night's celebreation The bells at the shop's door rang, and he turned around, snapping out of that distant memory of a small pub in a forgotten corner of Paris. It was afternoon now... "Mikey!" Donny grinned, seeing his kid brother standing there. When Donny left, he was just a sweet kid, somewhere in the middle of that awkward middle-school age. He was halfway through high school now, following in Donny's footsteps as a star on the baseball team, and almost as tall as him, too. Time felt so slow now that he was home, but it seemed to have gone by in the blink of an eye when he  was gone. "Donny!" He seemed as though he had the secrets to the universe in his hands...but Donny, and everyone in their lives, frankly, was getting used to that. He was beginning to take a psychology course...and...he thought he had half the damn neighborhood figured out. He went on a million-word-per-second kind of rant, but Donny picked out a few things. Something about war, veterans, sleep, and emotions. "I'm fine, kid." Donny shook his head, grinning. "You worry too much." He stopped for  a second, and looked at him. "You're like ma, y'know." "Very funny, look!" He shuffled through a folder, and dug out a diagram, and all the symptoms that matched what he saw in Donny. At the very top, underlined, highlighted, and pointed out in arrows were  three words: Thousand-Yard Stare. "Mikey! Your mother's been looking all over for you!" Sy Donowitz, their father, emerged, half saving Donny from his brother's persistence, while saving himself from his wife's wrath. "Alright pop..." Mikey sighed, though he glanced at Donny. Donny was red in the face, frustrated. To him, it was like Mikey airing out his dirty laundry, so to speak. "He means well, Donny." His father patted him on the back. "Yeah, I know." Donny sighed, now feeling guilty for feeling angry, and angry for feeling anything and everything. And then nothing. He sighed, as he sat on his bed after work, muttering "Fuck a duck." Something crumpled beneath him, and he stood up. It was Mikey's diagram, along with a school report. Mikey's first draft for a psychology paper, and he chose to write about veterans. Donny read half of it, and had to put it down. He knew he needed some help, but he wasn't sure where to begin. He walked downstairs, and went out for a walk, as always. Only this time, he went farther than usual. Halfway across town. In fact, he made it downtown. He couldn't get his mind off of the essay. He knew Mikey meant well. Donny wasn't sleeping much, he couldn't get his mind off war. He just couldn't go back to being Donny. His mind suddenly snapped back to Boston, to 1946, to the present. He saw you, on the ground, right in front of him, trying to pick up some papers. He'd literally run into you. "Fuck a duck," He leaned down, helping you pick some of them up. His hand brushed against yours, and you looked at him for the first time. "Say..." Your heart skipped a beat, and you smiled a little, "You're Donny Donowitz." "That's me." He smiled, though he sounded a  little exasperated. You stammered, a little star struck. After all, it's not every day you meet a war her like that....Well, it's 1946, you do... But it's not every day you meet one of the basterds. He'd picked up on that, and chuckled a little, used to it. "Nice to meet ya..." "Y/n." It took you a moment to remember your own name. "Y/n," he repeated with a kind smile, slowly handing over the papers he picked up. He spotted pictures of dogs on different sheets, and realized they were some sort of records. "What's that?" He seemed genuinely curious. You sighed, shuffling the papers back in order, "Records of the dogs' vaccines, just updated them. Gotta bring them back to the-" You laughed a little at yourself, realizing he had no idea what you were talking about. You took a breath, starting over, "I train  therapy dogs." "Really?" His face lit up a little, and you didn't quite catch on to why just yet. You nodded with a grin. Even thinking of your work made you feel happy. "It's been real busy for a year or so. Lots of veterans have been looking into it." He smiled, "I might, too." "Everyone's gone home for the day...maybe...you'd like a private tour?" You winked, and he asked, "You won't get in trouble for it, will ya?" You laughed, "Ah, fuck the rules." He smirked, knowing you'd get along just together just fine. He followed you to your work,  you brought him out to see the dogs. You left for a minute to go file away the papers, and came back to find Donny sitting on the ground, playing with all the dogs. One dog in particular seemed to instantly be attached to him. "Hey boy!" Donny laughed as he petted a border collie. You crouched by, smiling "His name's Charlie." "He's fucken adorable." Donny kept playing with the dogs, though that one in particular melted his heart. "Isn't he?" You chuckled. You'd realize that was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Donny came by every day, just after closing time to spend time with Charlie. (There was a little more to it than that, but  you didn't catch on yet) You didn't mind staying a little late. You liked Donny's company. And...it made your heart sing to see him so happy around the dogs. A few months passed. You realized there was an empty spot, and your heart dropped. Charlie had been adopted. "Oh no..." You sighed, knowing someone needed and deserved a dog like that. It was going to happen eventually, after all. You'd told Donny there was a big demand for therapy and service dogs lately. So...why did it hurt so much? You were always a little down when a dog was adopted, but never this much. You sat by your desk, and slumped a little as the day went on. You got frustrated with yourself, denying the reason you were so upset. With Charlie gone, maybe Donny would stop coming by. You shook your head, denying that was what upset you. But...you weren't much of a liar. "Maybe just a little..." You sighed, watching the hours go by, knowing at the end of the day you'd have to break the news to Donny.

It was closing time, your coworkers left one by one, and you sighed, "Fuck..." You realized in that painfully long wait that you were hopelessly in love with that basterd. There was a familiar knock on the window. You turned around slowly, and your heart broke, seeing how excited Donny seemed. Even more so than usual... All the more heart breaking You opened the door, about to break it to him... Rip the bandaid off, really. But before you could say anything, you realized Donny was holding on to a leash. "It was YOU?!" "I adopted Charlie!" He laughed, though he seemed happy, there was one more thing he wanted. "Are you...busy?" He smirked a little, already knowing the answer. Now that you didn't have to sneak Donny into work, your schedule was wide open... He knew that. He'd have to find new excuses to come see you. But, for now,  as you walked with him through town, and his arm wrapped around you gently, but protectively, you both knew it was the beginning of something more.

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

“So Happy Together” Analysis

i don’t sleep

tl;dr: tbh not much to go off on about. i think we see a new skin for Iron Bear, one with some stripes. amara smiles, i do talk a little bit about little sisters in bioshock but tbh i think this was all just a stylistic choice lol. oh and handsome jack’s masks- probably Mount Jackmore. i don’t want to get to freaked out over jack returning, but damn gearbox lol u had me there for a second. im pretty sure it’s just a reused cut quest from bl2 that they never got to implement. 

EDIT: here’s all the cut content in bl2 (plus all the non-cut content as well for funsies). you can go to the cut quests and see the audio files for claptrap’s jackmore quest

holy shit can i just vomit all my emotions rn, they’re all good so imma do that so im rational when i start analyzing stuff okay? okay! 

holy shit that was fucking great and im really glad i tempered my expectations to something smaller than i thought because i feel bad for people expecting something huge, i was under the assumption we’d be getting a new mechanic that was like ‘choose ur +1 and they’ll be able to play the game with you if you’re both online even if they don’t have the game’ which was what someone said on reddit. altho im sure the poor company is gonna get spammed now with hate like ‘WTF YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE BUILT THIS UP AAAA’. not to lie, i was slightly disappointed it wasn’t a longer stream, but i mean if they’ve got nothing to announce, they’ve got nothing to announce and HEY! new trailer!!! gonna be combing thru on the assumption this has some easter eggs like the MoM trailer did, just in case. i thought it was a cute trailer, gearbox never explicitly said what it was gonna be, a lot people all just assumed what was gonna happen was a demo/beta which sucks so i hope this doesn’t negatively impact people’s perspective of the game. im staying off reddit for now bc when i first checked it people were pretty pissed and i dun need that negativity lmao

okay! emotions are LOCKED behind closed doors. i am shifting into study mode. here we go boys/girls/those of us who know better. haven’t done one of these in a while, let’s see if im rusty at all.

claptrap! and the skull on the chair which reminds me of tyreen’s “favorite skull”. 

tv says “we are under attack, please stand by”

and afaik claptrap is near the beginning of the game, you can see part of the recruitment center behind him when the camera pans.

im thinking there might be something in the roses, specifically the hand-drawn roses later on in the trailer. will be keeping an eye open for that.

this is specifically a jakobs brand chest. i really like the see-through aesthetic of it

intro area of the game again. possible hint to the opening cutscene? tbh i was worried that’s what we were about to get because i haven’t finished the roughs of my mock up lol

so what i didn’t notice my first time through is that you can then see claptrap, also being shown in the chest

waving up at the camera. that’s not trippy at all or anything lol

this car in the foreground (with no one driving it, mind you)

randomly combusts, looking quite like elpis in that one shot of the claptrap presents pandora trailer. wonder if that means it’s gonna ‘splode.

ohhh it spins. please no spin imma get motion sick blech

shot of some cultists. one appears to have a jetpack near the bottom right there

another explosion to the beat

the shock wave!!!! that’s awesome

shock nomads cultists are back. f in chat for our shields

another cultist seconds before he gets blown to bits

it cuts to black for a secco as it moves thru said explosion

another cultist, i assume a psycho

finally some good fucking angles

heh.

idk what i expected from someone who’s first action skill line i ever heard was them shouting MAGIC WALL!!! TAAAADAAAAAAAAH

as a side note

who is shooting those lasers

we see them coming from behind the VHs, but

there’s nothing there

SPOOKY~

they’re coming from... the wall???

tfw u shot urself in the foot on accident

amara is not amused

`is this some human custom i don’t understand yet`

also i hate that i’ve done this exact dance before when i took dance classes as a kid

with less style of course, i was like 7

moze is into it, hell yeah

this reminds me a lot of Kingsman. where all the blood is like fireworks and stuff. i wonder if that has anything to do with the psycho brainwashing. like little sisters in bioshock. they see roses instead of blood, right? maybe there’s something like that going on with the psychos

i’d certainly hope our vault hunters aren’t brainwashed, anyway.

this dude looking SHOCKED to see that tho, lmfao

i relate to this man on a spiritual level i stg

man he looks pissed

omfg lol

“um”

“i guess this is okay”

the body language in this is gold i am just having the time of my life

adsfdgfhgjhgfk

this is so cute

also in retrospect, i think this is one of the turrets we see on promethea. i wonder what it’s doing here!

moze u ok?

oh nvm she’s into it, look at her! she’s dancing! She’s Dancin’!

oooo one of the robots from the we are mayhem trailer! okay you can totally see why i think they’re jakobs, RIGHT???

iirc this is a maliwan soldier

man this is a crossover event, isn’t it?

i get it now. togetherness. i gotchu gearbox.

some maliwan ships in the sky. possibly sanc-iii on the right? or a ship of the same model as sanc-iii!

this is a magitek dropship, change my mind

eh, they both start with M, fuck it.

no idea what fl4k is doing here

mayyyybe shielding themselves from the ‘firework’/confetti shower

i like that the confetti explosions are backed up by purple, you know like eridium/slag/siren powers. seriously, maybe this is just how to cultists see us Vault Hunters and the mass murder.

at the very least, the psychos.

fl4k’s into it. i wish we knew the name of their skag, if it has one. i hope it does.

well now the lasers are coming from the other side! what the hell

moving on

i think this is the HBC from the speakers, plus im pretty sure that skull and the stained glass are the entrance to mouthpiece’s arena

we also get a different colored explosion. im paranoid jack is somehow making a return (please god no), so i’ll just note it’s the same color as his eyes.

AND the chests are vomiting out gold guns, which i think, gold-plated gear, is the cult’s way of signifying standing. which im sure is a tongue-in-cheek commentary as gearbox gives out a gold weapon pack as a pre-order bonus. no, like, it even shows up as an ad on the video

smh gearbox lmao

oh, also, the cultists are doing fuckin flying impressions

im not saying its a reference to the cultist with rakk wings on the cover, buuuut

bitch it might be lol

it’s an upside-down vault symbol! ive been trying to figure out what that is in those screens for the longest time!

back on promethea and we get to see fl4k’s spiderant in action

their skag, too, of course

the jabbermon in the back there, too! i wonder if they’re going to be shock or cryo. i would imagine shock given how they’re glowing

also i love the way the flowers look in contrast to the character models

moze is so happy aw

i love the way fl4k’s skag comes flying in and slides to a stop. such a good doggo ;-;

this is beautiful, i want it as a wallpaper

moze skipping? holy shit

100% verified the best thing i’ve ever seen

i lied. this is.

is this the fast travel station effect?

also! IB is looking a bit different

i wonder if this is a redesign or if IB is wearing a new skin moze picked out

pan over to zane who clearly doesn’t notice the being of darkness and horror in the doorway

oh also, we’re on eden-6 now. which would explain the fast travel effect

psychos dancing on the rooftops lol

oh god my eyes

nothing to really say here, i just like this screenshot

pink shields booyah

this is so fucking cute

we also get a better look at that one facility on eden-6

is that... red i see? >w> i won’t say it i won’t i won’t say it i swear i just- ATLAS

fuck

i like that zane’s clone spawns with his melee attachment

not AS excited as the real life version though

GB pls let this be a zane emote

is that a varkid? on eden-6?

wtf is a varkid doing on eden-6???

more shots of the facility btw. reminds me a lot of sanc-iii so maybe this actually is the supamax mfg construction facility like i originally thought. hmmmmmmm

ah yes, of course

holy shit what is this a reference to?

im told it’s the sex pistols

the back of the bullet turns into Athenas

pans in

amara!

enemy with a top hat on. some variation of/upgraded gravedigger? it’s like a psycho but recolored with blue pants and a top hat. you can see it fall off when amara shoots him

y’know, these guys

some rakk in the background

i am hoping bc this is a celebration of togetherness we’re seeing all enemies everywhere, not that the planets don’t have their own unique fauna.

she’s so happy omfg

oh, you want some?

Uhhh then there’s THIS sequence

they’re doing the flying thing again lmao

there’s also whatever that black blob is on the left. a spaceship maybe?

car wheel

all their eyes started glowing red. uh oh gamers

also another fast travel effect

hmmmm... zarpedon is that you??

back on pandora.

“super 87 racetrack”, maybe this is near that motorcade fast travel we saw?

huzzah! rainbows!

i do believe that’s sanctuary-iii

another ship. drop ship?

elpis is looking nice this time of year. definitely not explode-y. yet.

pret-ty sure that’s iron bear. moze is standing atop the tower lmao

also! back to it’s old paint scheme. looks like moze was using a skin or smth

we also have this. are my eyes failing me or is that a big cross on the left? could be where jack was buried. 

also i know there was cut content in bl2 about Mount Jackmore! and this looks like a Mount Jackmore to me. it’s a cut quest where claptrap asks you to basically ruin the thing. but since the quest was cut, it’s still here in bl3. maybe they’ll reintegrate the quest lol

i can’t imagine it being roland’s gravesite. because it looks like the below.

i do know we’re going to roland’s grave in bl3, but the statues don’t really match up. maybe it is and the statues were broken, or ruined or something and replaced by a cross. could be then that the gravesite was defaced with, well, the guy that killed him. 

im really hoping jack doesn’t make a return. im fine with dealing with what he set in motion, and his influence, and probably even some ECHO logs and movie trailers, but please, for the love of god, don’t actually bring him back, AI or otherwise. im really excited for the calypso twins, i’d really hate to see the focus shift back to that guy. he’s had his fingers in every borderlands game. it’s time to let him go.

idk what this is exactly. it looks like maybe that weird eye bot troy stands next to in the intro for the behind closed doors panel?

goodbye mr magical jakobs chest, it’s been real

the RC now has red drapes going down it. have those always been there? i don’t remember those

hmmmmmmmmm maybe we’re looking at it from the back 🤔

anyway, that’s all she wrote. i haven’t see any hidden morse code messages or anything yet, but if something surfaces, i’ll be sure to add it here.

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I’ve been all over the place today. I woke up feeling like crap, slept for an extra fifteen minutes, did the bare minimum getting ready. I found this instagram that had funny ED memes, though, and they kind of inspired me to really start trying to do better with my eating. I actually ate breakfast before I left the house, and then I grabbed two snacks from the vending machine between classes (when the ED voice in my brain was telling me that despite feeling a little hungry, I could go without, that I didn’t really need the food, that you could just bypass the vending machine so I thought to myself “well then fuck you I’m gonna get two because I deserve to eat”). It felt weird and lowkey satisfying sitting in this nearly three hour class not starving or feeling like I was going to pass out, and also gave me hardcore nostalgia for the days of elementary/middle/high school when we would have lunch and then go to class afterwards full and sleepy. Really weird shit happened in my afternoon class, though. I somehow got a perfect score on a test that I did not study for at all and totally bullshited an answer on, and then we were put into groups for an in-class assignment that escalated into a group project and I got put into a group with a kid in this class who...intrigues me? I guess you could say? I don’t know, I don’t want to say I have a crush on him, per se, I’m just...intrigued by him. In a socially anxious, non-romantic format. I don’t know, it’s weird, but like not only did I get put in a group with this kid but my professor also had me sit in the desk right next to him and it was just...bizarre. I felt like I was back in this weird time warp almost, I don’t know, there was just something very unusual about all of this. It was also storming outside to give an even greater air of the unusual. We luckily got out early, too, which was nice. Had a pretty smooth trip home even if my contact started bugging me at the bus stop. Had a few pieces of chocolate when I got home, and then curled up and actually read a book for fun for like a solid three hours which was super nice. It was when my boyfriend and I went and got dinner that things started going south again. Dinner was decent, but we got chicken and it didn’t sit well so I started having yet ANOTHER IBS flare-up, and then of course when I was in the bathroom trying to deal with that, I could overhear my neighbors next door yelling at each other which only heightened my anxiety. I just wish I could live in peace, honestly, I’m so sick of this stupid apartment and this stupid town and everyone in it. Hopefully things will be better once we move, it’s just getting to that point that’s the struggle. I wish we could just pack up and get out of here now. But anyways, I thought I was okay enough to get a shower so I took one and then I started feeling worse so I had to sit in the bathroom for a solid, like, twenty five minutes just trying to suffer through this. Took my meds and was still in hell, but at least it wasn’t the same brand of hell as Thursday morning. At least this hell was productive. But hell nonetheless. The anxiety started kicking up, too, which also did not help this one bit. I just overall started feeling very chaotic and uneasy and I started blaming the food. I started fearing that dinner made me sick, or maybe I was just stressed, or maybe this was punishment for having eaten too much today. I don’t know, that last option doesn’t sound totally impossible. Maybe my digestive system just couldn’t handle the extra load. Maybe I’ve gotten my body too accustomed to starvation and now this is the price I pay. Sounds about right. I’m very scared I’m falling into the same pit from a few years ago, though, where everything stressed me out and my IBS reached a peak to where I couldn’t even a damn thing without feeling sick and then lost like ten pounds in the course of a couple months. I’m scared of that happening again. I don’t want to get that sick again. I don’t want to go through that torture again. I can’t handle it. I find it funny, though, that my IBS started getting really, really bad again around the time when I started applying for jobs. It’s almost as if my body just doesn’t want me to work, you know? Like I want to get a job and be independent and make my own money and shit but then when my body does stuff like THIS, it makes it hard to feel like a functional, productive adult, if not human being. I don’t even know if I can make it to school tomorrow with how absolutely disgusting and sick I’ve been feeling tonight. I guess I’ll see how I feel in the morning-- I really shouldn’t skip. I have homework due tomorrow that I can’t afford to get a zero on--well, actually, I can, but I don’t want to. And I only have one 45minute class, really. It’s just that my bus commute is also, like, 45 minutes there and back. So that’s extra. Extra spoons to spend. I don’t know, I’ll probably suck it up and go anyways but I guess we’ll see how I’m feeling. It just sucks, though. Like I don’t want to be sick like this. I don’t want my life to be dictated by my chronic illness but that’s basically life with chronic illnesses, isn’t it? Your entire life revolves around them and is dictated by them. And that fucking sucks, but I know there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. If there was, it wouldn’t be chronic, would it? I don’t know, man. I’ve kind of reached a stalemate in my flare-up at this point, but I still feel iffy. I stayed up two hours later than my boyfriend now just because I didn’t feel confident enough that this was over and that I would be able to crawl into bed and happily oblige to sleep without interruption. And now it’s been two hours and I haven’t had to run back to the bathroom yet so there’s that. I don’t know. I’ll have to make sure I keep my meds on hand tomorrow at the very least (I forgot them today, which made eating more an especially scary idea that did actually feed me lots of anxiety) just to be safe. My next doctor’s appointment isn’t for another two weeks so that’s fun. Last I was there I asked him about this weird deja vu bullshit I’ve been feeling off and on for a few years, which I’ve begun suspecting is temporal lobe epilepsy. If that is what it is, then that’s terrifying and I’m not sure how I feel about that but I want to make sure I have answers. My primary said he wasn’t super well-versed in what the deja vu stuff might be but that he was going to ask the psychiatrist on campus (I see an on campus doctor because I can and it’s free for me so woo fucking hoo) and let me know when I see him at our next appointment. I just have to say, also, that I really, really like this doctor. Technically he’s a nurse practitioner but whatever, po-tay-to po-tah-to. He’s just got this really great demeanor/attitude, I feel like he genuinely cares about his patients and enjoys his job. He makes it fun, or as fun as a doctor’s appointment can be. And when he asked me if I wanted him to get me in touch with the psychiatrist on campus, and I told him I wasn’t sure about the finances of it and that there was a copay per my insurance I didn’t think I wanted to pay, he said that was fine and that we would work on it together like whatever I was dealing with. I mean, after all, it doesn’t mean he can’t consult with the psychiatrist about something he’s unsure on himself. I don’t know, just overall he’s a really cool guy and I like seeing him. He makes me less nervous about doctor’s appointments than I usually am, and it’s just overall nice to know that he and the staff in general there are such kind people who always seem like they care about their patients and whatnot. Plus it’s free, so that’s always a bonus. But yeah, when I do go back, I hope I can get answers on what this weird ass deja vu shit is because it hits at the most inopportune moments and leaves me kind of mentally stunned for a solid three hours or so afterward, it’s so weird. And when I do go back, I’ll likely have to talk about the hell week I’ve had with my IBS so that should be fun lmfao yay for chronic illnesses-- they fucking suck. 

[myaekingheart]

I’m honestly feeling so goddamn tired right now but I really don’t want to go to sleep. Not yet, anyways. It’s the same cycle I always go through, with my mind running on overdrive so that even if my eyelids are heavy and my body is lethargic, my brain keeps pushing me to stay awake. Plus, I also feel kind of...off. Which means no matter how tired I am, sleeping is not a great option. There’s nothing quite like laying in a silent, dark room to really make your mind wander and I know exactly where it’s going to go if I give it the chance right now. It’s going to contemplate every worst case scenario about why I feel weird and spiral me into some sort of stupid panic attack which is certainly not ideal in the slightest. I don’t know what, exactly, is making me feel weird but I know there are definitely a few options on the table.

1) The dishes. My boyfriend asked me to do the dishes while he was at work today. I did not. I have a valid excuse (the cat ripped my hand up yesterday in a flea collar incident and it’s been sensitive ever since) but that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel guilty about it. I made it a point to avoid doing the dishes at all costs because of my hand (and it doesn’t help that I absolutely hate doing the dishes regardless) but at the same time, I was nervous that my boyfriend was going to be upset with me when he got home from work and found that they were still just as they were when he left. Luckily he wasn’t upset (or at least as far as I could tell) but a part of me still felt/feels guilty about it, like I should’ve done it anyways.

2) My mom. I had been planned to call my parents tonight ever since I woke up because I felt like I hadn’t called them in a minute and wanted to say hi and see how they were doing. I waited until after my boyfriend left for work, then called my mother on Messenger so we could video chat. It rings for five minutes and then says she’s unavailable. No sweat. It’s happened before. I figured she was probably just in the bathroom or something. It was 8:30pm so I didn’t dare think she had gone to bed already. She doesn’t go to sleep that early. Well, she texts me and lo and behold she says her and my dad are going to bed because my dad is really tired. Makes sense. He works really long shifts and has to be up at, like, 4:30am. I told her not to sweat it and that I didn’t want to bug them if they were tired but then she insists I call her, so I do. Everything’s fine for the first .25 seconds until I tell her about the incident yesterday with the cat and the flea collar and show her my hand. She immediately breaks down in hysterical tears. I assure her that I’m fine, that it doesn’t hurt that much anymore, and ask her if she’s alright (because honestly, hysterical tears is a little bit of an over-exaggerated reaction if you ask me). She explains how she’s had an emotional day because her and her best friend went to go see this movie about these parents trying to stop their kids from losing their virginity on prom night and it reminded her of me. Not the virginity part, but she said there was a mother-daughter relationship in it where they were best friends and did everything together and the girl got accepted to this college and hid it from her mom but then the mom found out and started crying because she realized her daughter was going to be moving away and they wouldn’t have that relationship anymore and it reminded my mom of me. I get that, I really do, and I understand why she’d be emotional about it, but at the same time she’s just so goddamn overemotional. She was crying so hard that she had to hand the phone to my dad and I didn’t see her or speak to her for the entire rest of the call. This was probably the most palatable part of this whole thing, honestly, because, I mean, at least my dad is sane. I really like talking with him these days. It’s casual. There’s never any crying or whining about how much he misses me. I know he does, but at the same time he’s the kind of parent who knows when to let go and I think he’s really proud of me for doing so well in school and starting my own life and chasing my dreams and all that fluffy shit. So yeah, talking to him was really nice. We didn’t speak for too long because he was really tired and he did have to be in bed early for work in the morning so by 9pm we were saying goodnight and talk to you later. He was sitting in his room getting ready to turn in and I asked him if I could at least say goodnight to my mom before we hung up. I didn’t even know where the fuck she had gone but apparently she was in bed perhaps asleep though my dad couldn’t quite tell. He asked her if she wanted to say goodnight to me and she didn’t answer for a few minutes, and then she let him turn the camera onto her and I am honestly not surprised by the completely indecent vision of her I saw. It’s the same sort of lens I always see her through when she’s had too much to drink and is overemotional and an absolute fucking mess: the red, puffy face, the eyes so narrow they look like slits, the fact that she had already taken her shirt off and was censoring herself with the blanket. I hate when she’s like this, and I know it’s partially influenced by her goddamn best friend. I don’t know, man, I just always feel bothered every time this happens. I moved 300 miles away to get away from this shit, and yet here I am over six months later still getting pulled back into it. I asked my dad how much she had to drink. He said he didn’t know, that he was at work. He didn’t seem all too concerned with her, but maybe he’s just used to it or maybe it’s just his hallmark calm demeanor. I don’t know. Either way, she’s ridiculous and I hate when this happens. It’s like every time I build up some hope that things are getting better and she’s getting a grip on this, she goes and completely destroys it and sends me right back to cynical square one. I should honestly just stop trying to have faith in her at this point.

3) Food. My stomach’s been feeling kind of off today, probably because I binged on Oreos earlier. Either way, I’m in one of those weird moods where I’m kind of hungry when I should be but I don’t feel like eating whether it’s because I feel bloated or crampy or what. I don’t know, maybe I’m just having an off day. I woke up around 2pm and spent the entire day doing laundry which isn’t all too labor intensive but I still found myself tired out from it. I feel like I haven’t had a lot of energy lately, though. Or at least today and maybe yesterday. I go through these spells of feeling really pepped up and sharp-eyed, like I‘m finally getting out of my fog, but somehow I always seem to find my way back. Not that I mind my fog all that much. It feels kind of safe and hazy here. When I’m bright-eyed and fully awake, everything looks too sharp and feels too amplified and it can be daunting and kind of anxiety inducing. But then again, sometimes the fog isn’t a great thing. Tuesday I took allergy pills that warned for potential drowsiness but I didn’t think much of it until I was nearly falling asleep every five minutes in class and still couldn’t breathe. I feel like I‘m in a similar haze right now, exhausted but fighting to stay awake. I feel like if I go to sleep, though, I’m going to set my mind spiraling and food is one of those concerns. When I woke up, I had a decent little breakfast of cinnamon toast and a mandarin orange cup that satisfied me enough. The toast is usual but the mandarin orange cup was a treat. Then I set myself up for failure. I broke out the Oreos. I finished off the family size box. I’ve really taken a liking to Oreos lately but they’re not always the best on my stomach. They set off my IBS if I eat too many and that was partially the case today. Eventually I had to run to the bathroom but it wasn’t for a flare-up so much as for an urgency that was painlessly relieved. My stomach has felt kind of crampy all day since, though, but not necessarily IBS cramps nor even period cramps. It’s more of just a general ache. My boyfriend got off work at around midnight and said earlier he’d get us some food on the way home. I was a little hungry beforehand so I binged on cheese balls and a pack of fruit snacks which was fine but it wasn’t after this that I started to feel kind of bloated and overall just “ugh.” I didn’t really eat much of my dinner because of this, but I felt bad about it. I didn’t want him to know I wasn’t that hungry. I didn’t even know I wasn’t that hungry until the food was sitting in front of me expecting to be eaten. It was hotter than usual, too. Normally when we pick up food from this restaurant, it’s lukewarm by the time we get home but tonight, it was burning hot so I had to skirt around it for a moment lest I completely scorch my mouth. I might even go so far as to say it even tasted kind of weird tonight, too, but that might just be my anxiety talking. Either way, at this point I just feel bloated and sleepy and kind of weird and I just want to stay up all night until this feeling goes away so I don’t have to deal with the unending thoughts I’m no doubt going to get bombarded with when I do finally climb into bed. I don’t know, man. I guess it’s just one of those things I kind of have to wade through.