#BC ITS SO HOT OUTSIDE AND WE WERE DOING MARCHING BASICS

[bear-cubs-art-things]

Past me at 7:10ish this morning and future me at 7:10ish tonight.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

in honour of the rawring 20s, more cringy things from my emo/scene phase, a semi-masterpost:

•putting the you me at six lyric “whose keeping a score of who is a whore??? i know you don’t!” as my myspace header in japanese…… so the girls in my year at school that i thought were “whores”, and didn’t like them bc of that, wouldn’t pick up that that i was aiming it at them. like being a weeb and a scene kid douchebag???? they don’t mix lmao.

•screaming “IF YOU HAD A SEX LIFE, A SEX LIFE WOULD YOU EVEN WORRY ABOUT MINE WHEN YOUR BED IS EMPTY???? YOU’RE A WASTE OF TIME!!!!” from the song sex life by d.r.u.g.s (destroy rebuild until god shows) through the halls of catholic school in year 10/2011 to try to ~subtly~ and bitterly flirt with my crush lmao. like honey. chill the fuck out!!!! you’re 15!!!!! not many people have a sex life at 15 anyway lmao

•my uh. jeffree star music phase in 2007

•i’ve mentioned this before but wanting to score my entire year 10 drama shakespeare monologue with emo music and my teacher having to block the idea constantly bc “it’s good enough on its own! i swear to GOD!”

•taking a studded belt to school on the 31/10/2009 bc i had to get ready for amity affliction at my besties house that day after school so we could head up to sydney that night for the concert. saying shit about having a studded belt made me hardcore and wanting to punch people in the face with it bc it was some dumb reoccurring theme i had

•watching the music video for one love by aiden on my ipod nano at school and telling everyone about jeffree star’s i hate you ring in the video and how if i ever had it i’d punch all the people i hated in the face with it….. and then they’d be branded for life with the fact that i hated them?????? like bro. i KNOW you are the embodiment of angsty harry potter from HP puppet pals. but literally!!!! calm the fuck down!!!!!!

•i’ve talked about it before, but breaking up with clear braces boy and immediately demanding him to “hurry up and listen to a day to remember bc they’re fucking amazing!!! and you know i’m motherfucking right!!!!”

•taking 3 hours to straighten my hair just to go swimming….. then like someone pushing me in a pool or the surf (if we’d gone to the beach) and RUINING MY PERFECTLY STRAIGHTENED HAIR AND MY AESTHETIC!!!! HOW DARE YOU????!!! you KNEW you were going swimming girl. why the fuck did you bother to straighten your hair anyway, lmao???

•the whole cringy thing of me wanting to work in the CD shop sanity just so i could play a bunch of emo music and have some cute heavily tattooed emo boy/guy in his skinny jeans, slouchy beanie/now gross beanie hat type thing and band shirt come in and mysteriously fall in love with me….. and then kiss me to “kill me in a record shop” by boys like girls… or like alternatively i’d be making out with my hot older emo coworker in the back to the same song or some other horny emo song anthem/s 😂😂 same went for JB hifi when they came along and started stocking all time low and cute is what we aim for cd’s 😂😂😂 the hot emo bro would also teach me to skate as a bonus hobby outside of work. like KILL ME NOW!!!!

• alternatively to the above, i’d just magically have a hot emo boy boyfriend who was preferably the singer in the band…. but also could play guitar and could hardcore scream really well….. when like the bulk of those dudes were literally in their 20s 😂😅. on this point, teen emo me believing that her liking 20something emo dudes who were covered in tats and piercings and wrote ~hella deep~ lyrics etc etc just apparently made her more mature than the girls in her year at catholic school who liked justin bieber or one direction (who were literally the same age as us lol). like girl no. if those older dudes hit on you, IT’S A RED FLAG!!!! FUCKING RUN!!!!

•wanting to take my edgy pop punk road trip to a town 8 hours north from where i am as soon i got my licence and stuff… also the whole moody thing about ~crashing my car just to feel again~ theme i had going on 2011/year 10 in my teen mental breakdown phase in regards to getting my licence bc i was so desperate to do something ~reckless~

•basically a good bulk of my high school statuses tbh

•me taking in the same 3 pics of the same 3 scene queens and hayley williams (and cassidy pope, once) into my hair dresser EVERY 8 WEEKS to get my hair cut just like them 😂😂 i even updated my facebook status in year 9/2010 once with “got hayley williams hair cut today :D :D!!!!” i swear to god my hairdresser got so sick of me taking those pics in lmao 😂😅

•stage diving at a local amity affliction show in 2010/year 9 and going straight to the fucking floor bc i accidentally jumped into a hole in the crowd…. but i suppose it’s bc i was the biggest wanker at the show bc….. before we went in, i was bragging hella loud about how “hardcore” i apparently was 😂😂

•using my hot topic dress in my year 10 drama monologue bc i thought its steampunk style was elizabethan enough when paired with my black marching band style jacket (that i used to imitate black parade era mcr) and a pocket watch that was a tiny moveable robot. and also my trusty red flanno shirt from jay jays

•wanting entire clothing lines from certain band members from certain labels. and most especially booty shorts with the persons name (most frequently a dude) plastered across my ass 😂😅

•wanting the entire mid2000s line of drop dead merch. also bbycks (baby cakes) and zumiez etc etc. also glamor kills.

•desperately wanting my bra to be on a mic stand of a certain band dudes mics (just why lmao)… or on certain band members mics lmao (also just why)

[gebtoons]

my contribution to the bapo timeline discourse bc i’m just gonna propose a timeline and will not be taking criticism <3 (under the cut bc this is gonna be a long post probably) 

ok disclaimer I am quite stupid, however I’m gonna use my knowledge from my own 12 years in american public high school and what little info I have about american boarding schools/catholic schools that I have from my friends lol. so. idk. 

i’m also gonna date songs/major events and i’m gonna be taking some “just trust me bro” liberties bc y’all are right it does NOT make that much sense. 

January 6: Epiphany; this is like an actual holiday lol. like its always on the sixth. idk its good that this is the starting point bc its an actual date yknow? For the purposes of this timeline were going with that its early in the week, so lets go with Monday idk

January 6-13: You and I, Role of a Lifetime; so we’re all kinda in agreement that this timeline (at least the beginning) only really makes sense if you and i/role of a lifetime aren’t like. a singular moment and are instead multiple days. so yeah, of this first week, this is like. monday-next sunday ish yknow. 

January 14: Auditions, Plain Jane Fatass; ok so having auditions for a spring musical right after kids get back from break actually makes perfect sense to me, like i can see it being like “ok take break to prepare so as soon as you come back we can have auditions so we can jump right into rehersals” yknow? and since the rave is clearly on a friday (”we’ll meet in tanya’s room on friday night”) so i’m going with the monday before.  

as for pjf, i know it doesn’t make a ton of sense for them to get a two week late birthday package their first few weeks back from school, but hear me out it makes sense. the implication throughout this entire show is that the twins have decently shitty parents. from bits of dialogue (in this song in particular lol) i’m kinda inferring their the “only concerned with how their kids make them look to others” kind of neglectful. so I don’t think it’s too outside the realm of possibility that they went away for the holidays, didn’t bring the twins, and instead mailed them a birthday package and having it show up two weeks late. realistically the timing of this isnt that important and the explicit “two week” time frame could’ve been an exaggeration on nadia’s part to mock her shit parents (idk its in her character) basically ppl are a little two fixated on this imo but anyway. moving on. 

January 18: Wonderland, A Quiet Night At Home, Rolling, Best Kept Secret; a very agreed upon point in the timeline. its the friday following the auditions. moving on. 

January 21: Confession; also very agreed upon. the monday following the rave. moving on again 

January 23: Portrait of a Girl; the date here is kinda arbitrary, but bc sister chantelle says “ok lets try to put yesterday’s rehearsal behind us” and i for the life of me cannot think of a scene she could be referring to (there’s none in the script either) that implies it wasn’t the same monday as confession (bc even in a boarding school i think holding extracurriculars that aren’t sports over the weekend (especially when they are no where near crunch time lol) is weird and not common) so i just picked a random day during the week

January 25: Birthday Bitch!, One Kiss, Are You There?; from matt’s line in wonderland, ivy’s birthday is a week after the rave. in my timeline that’s january 25th (an aquarius queen). 

btw given all grown up’s “17, how will i manage?” ivy is 16 during 17 at her party, which is strange given shes a high school senior and seniors are typically 17 during 18. so either a) she skipped a grade, not an unheard of thing. or b) shes not a senior, shes just a junior who hangs out with a bunch of seniors, which is also pretty common. and looking through the script i can’t find any mention that she is also a senior, other than yknow she graduates with them, but she isn’t mentioned during the class ranking scene? so idk not that it really matters just a fun detail 

February 3 (at night): 911 Emergency!; ok controversial. i know i like the joke about how its funny that peter having a weird dream when he was high prompted him to want to come out and really ruined his relationship with jason. BUT. i think the dream (despite it’s weirdness) would have a lot more meaning if it wasn’t the result of being really high, but if it was a dream he had like a week later as a result of a building sense of guilt/anxiety bc he told matt. also it fits better given later timeline things. (this timeline literally only exists if there are weird jumps in time that don’t make a ton of sense) (EDIT: I forgot one line about Jason crashing at ivys but fuck it forget that bitchass line this makes for more drama its staying this way)

February 4: Reputation Stain’d, Ever After; the next day following peter’s dream, idk what else to say, moving on. 

February 25-28: Spring; another jump! i’m sorry but the only way for this to make sense logistically is for there to be quite a few time jumps! however, i also think this one works bc i think it gives time for everything from around ivy’s party and peter and jason’s break up to stew emotionally. like obviously a musical only has so much time to tell a story so the audience cannot see every realistic beat, but honestly i think it makes the whole thing a little more dramatic™ if there’s space for everything to settle, and for ivy to come and apologize and such. also, the reason it’s multiple days is bc in the script, ivy is trying to study (presumably for some sort of midterm) while nadia is playing, so that probably takes place a few days before they move out, so before finals. but in the script, jason and peter are packing and peter is leaving, so that part of the song/staging takes place on the 28th. yes, that’s weird, but we are clearly thinking more about the logistics of this school than the writers were so. 

March 1: One; assuming st. cecilia’s works kinda like boarding schools here, they probably do staggered move out/move in, just bc that would be a lot to have people coming and going at once so it makes sense that peter left the day before, while jason and ivy are leaving the next day. also, given that peter is trying to call jason while he and ivy are banging, it’s probably been a hot minute since the actual break up, since peter was clearly very hurt by the whole thing, it would make sense (at least to me) that peter would reach out a month ish later, rather than like a few days later (you have to make so many assumptions to make this timeline work granted they aren’t super out there assumptions but still this is annoying) 

March 1-25: Spring Break. the coworkers I have who are in boarding school work over their school breaks, which are longer than the public school breaks (which are only a week) so i put their spring break at 3 weeks. it makes sense, and it makes the later part of the timeline make sense. 

I know i’m already halfway through this, but to me it makes sense for their to be quite a few time jumps in the story bc its a musical. they cannot show every day. there are a lot of other shows (particularly shows set in high schools) that are set over a whole school year, but if you just look at the events of the story that doesn’t make sense, so you have to imply that obviously they are not showing every little detail. moving on. 

March 25: Wedding Bells, In The Hallway, Touch My Soul; peter wakes up from his nightmare in the church, so im assuming he fell asleep in church (like he almost did during epiphany). also it makes sense that class ranks are announced in late march-early april, I know my school announced ours in like, the first week or so of april? so yeah. moving on.

(from this point on i was giving myself a headache trying to make it make sense so its all weird from here!!)

April 4: See Me, Warning; the date doesn’t really matter here, I picked a random day in early april. the script said peter is calling from him and jason’s old dorm room, as he was picking up the last of his things, so he clearly made the roommate switch after school started (makes sense to me). 

April 15-20 (approximately): Ivy finds out she’s pregnant. look google tells me on average people find out they are pregnant around 5-7 weeks after conception. i went with around 7 just so this timeline makes a tiny bit more sense given the later stuff, so yeah here we go. 

May 4: Pilgrim’s Hands, God Don’t Make No Trash, All Grown Up, Promise, Once Upon A Time, Cross; a rough night for our heroes. so given sister chantelle saying “again? wonderful.” and nadia saying “i can’t believe you missed rehearsal again”, clearly ivy has been missing quite a few rehearsals, so for dramas sake maybe from when she found out she was pregnant? also i know i’ve been saying they wouldn’t have rehearsals on weekends, and given my weird timeline this would be a saturday, but its tech week so i’ll allow it. 

May 5: Two Households, Bare, Queen Mab, A Glooming Peace; pretty self explanatory, and it makes sense to have the spring play in early may. rip jason. 

May 11: Absolution; the day before graduation peter goes to confront the priest. gives him a small amount of time to start processing, and it makes sense it would be the night before, at least to me. 

May 12: No Voice; i fucking hate this. “peter, we graduate next sunday” i hate that stupid fucking line. do you know that this timeline literally would be fine if it weren’t for that stupid fucking line? bc then, the school play would be in early may and graduation could be in late may-early june (when most high schools hold graduation) but no. keeping with continuity, they have to graduate the sunday following the school play. “peter we graduate in a month, are you really never gonna talk to me again?” would have been fine. but no, now we have beef. literally everything else about the end of this timeline being kinda weird would work itself out, except for the fucking graduation. god damn. anyway, may 12th, the graduate on may 12th which is really fucking weird bc of that one fucking line. whatever. i didn’t write the damn thing bc if i did i wouldn’t have written that fucking line. (i’ve been at this for over an hour and a half, so i’m a tad annoyed, can you tell?) 

anyway, that’s it. that’s my long as hell proposed bare timeline. if there’s anything glaringly wrong with it i don’t care bc this timeline literally cannot make sense. but honestly, now that i think about the Popular Tween High Schooler Musicals (heathers, bmc, deh) the timelines of those (especially heathers and bmc) don’t make tons of sense either. that’s just the way it is, that’s the way its gonna be. and we have to live with it. 

this post is so long it is actually slowing down my laptop as i type it

[generallypo]

night/day

--

sticker proj! am still learning. more important to my brain, however, are the HOB/TOG crossover thoughts courtesy of 4am and bad sleeping habits. there lie hysterical laughing and raving, all under the cut. 

all warnings are dead at this point. yeet haw

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so hear this: TOG, except khun is now an infamous hobo trash god living his best life after getting the boot from heaven. this is his third time. the first two were official mandates, the third more of a soft plea for mercy after everyone up there gave a collective groan of christ, not this little shit again.

baam? probably been pining in a cave or a volcano or a very wee ramshackle house for, oh, say 800 years. no one’s really sure if he grew out of his emo phase or not yet.

yep that’s it that’s literally all i was thinking about. the rest is just character and story banter and a couple of hot takes. thanks for tuning in.

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in all honesty, i feel like matching tog charas with hob charas could go both ways -- surface personality-wise, i would say khun would actually fit hua cheng better? both start off as mysterious protector types to the MC and are sly and charming; on the other side, baam and xie lian are sweet and mild-mannered, enduring whatever problems come their way. hmm.

but if -- spoiler alert, i guess? -- we were to look at backstories and further, underlying character traits, khun’s history lines up with xie lian’s almost to a scary extent. born to a royal/extremely prominent family? indirectly leading them to disaster? suicide in the family as a result? being exiled to the very lowest level in society? aye aye, sir.

and by the end of all these events -- xie lian after the first few centuries of fucking with and getting fucked by history, khun after he arrives at the bottom of the tower -- neither are outwardly affected by their past, but it haunts them in subtler, unwanted ways, and it makes them jaded, cautious men. xie lian is obviously nicer when going about things, but i like to remember that khun actually does harbor an altruistic streak in him: helping maria simply because he admired her kindness, vowing to aid baam after his interest in the black march wanes and he realizes baam is a legitmately decent person. he has no attachment to rachel, but for a simple promise to a dead boy he’s willing to carry her several floors up the tower. khun is a softer soul than he shows; it’s the constant danger of the tower that makes him behave with such a contrasting harshness and vigilance. (also, as of s3 khun is apparently an unkillable cockroach... so now he really is twinsies with xie lian. little buggers.)

and conversely, baam isn’t always just sunshine and honey -- his intense, almost obsessive capacity to fixate on -- worship, even -- a person is pretty starkly reminiscent of hua cheng’s focus on xie lian. at least, from an outsider’s perspective. as a reader, we’re privy to the far more benign nuances of his  interactions with the local trash god, but from the pov of an another character, the way he constantly hovers and menaces anything between him and xie lian is... basically season 1 and 2 of tog with baam and rachel? 

cue the blatant similarity between their motives for doing so as well: growing up isolated from the rest of society, finding a reason to live through the first person to accept them and consequently building their entire life around that person.  that extreme of a love, regardless of its purity or good intentions, can be terrifying -- and is why, i think, rachel’s rejection during the hell train arc is completely reasonable, and xie lian’s acceptance of it is a beautiful miracle. tog is the example of a failed and, frankly, very human ‘love’ story, and hob showcases the very best of one, uplifted by a superhuman willingness to wait until both parties are ready to see each other equally. and for that reason, hob truly is the romance of all romances -- 800 years of patience and quiet understanding and mutual comfort? godly.

hence, my chipmunk brain stands up and screams: xie lian!khun and hua cheng!bam! it makes perfect sense! do it! do it! do ittttt! i like to think there’s a bunch of cute similarities with the plot and character development and overall progression and that it totally works and all. it’s totally deep. yeah.

(additionally, all the matching butterfly imagery and coloration stuff: warm red tones for hc/baam, white/blue-ish for xl/khun. yep. for some things, i don’t have to think too hard at all, and i like that.)

anyway, the comparisons could totally go both ways, i agree with that. but here’s my current take on it since this one vibes with me a little more and i think there are deeper thoughts to be extrapolated out on it. also bc literally one reason: if khun were hc it would take him tops a century to scout out baam, convince him to travel far away, and like, i dunno, climb a tower with him or something.

[anti-pasto]

for the 200 ask thingy, i actually dare you to do all of them. :D

delgaskarthalexhere we go, anon: 

200: My crush’s name is: I don’t have one right now, I don’t get them often (if I ever had a crush at all)

199: I was born in: 2003

198: I am really: A 2005 emo kid x a 2008 scene kid x a 2014 tumblr fangirl x Kyle himself

 197: My cellphone company is: Apple

194: My ring size is: Honestly? No idea. Propose to me with a sword.

 193: My height is: Somewhere between 5′7″ and 5′8″

192: I am allergic to: Nothing I’m aware of 

191: My 1st car was:  94 Station Wagon, by request

190: My 1st job was: being this funny is a full-time gig

 189: Last book you read: Bone Gap by Laura Ruby

188: My bed is: “made”

187: My pet: I have a cat, I love her very much and I will show her to you if you dm me a cursed image

186: My best friend: We don’t use “best friend” for personal reasons, but they’ve been with me since I was 5 so, my one and only Bro

185: My favorite shampoo is: anything with “silky smooth” or “strawberries” on the bottle. i’m not that picky anymore.

184: Xbox or ps3: xbox or ps4  xbox

183: Piggy banks are: really useful

 182: In my pockets: wallet, keys, phone, earbuds, black pen/pencil, earplugs, mini flashlight

 181: On my calendar:  i’m meeting a friend for smoothies tomorrow

 180: Marriage is: something we shouldn’t push so much onto people. it’s a declaration of love, not an end-all fix-all to your life. i can’t ever see myself getting married but who knows!

 179: Spongebob can: continue to be a relevant meme

178: My mom: i mean. we function. i can’t really complain about my family at large but i am defiantly looking forward to living literally as far away from them as i can. 

 177: The last three songs I bought were? psh, you think i pay for music? (folie a deux, lake effect kid, believers never die volume two) (those are albums but its okay)

176: Last YouTube video watched: I watched Markiplier play Uno

175: How many cousins do you have? 11? 12? I lost count

174: Do you have any siblings? I have a brother

 173: Are your parents divorced? Nope!

172: Are you taller than your mom? Yes, I have been for a while

171: Do you play an instrument? dude HECK yeah! i vibe on piano, guitar, ukulele, clarinet, and im a drum major

170: What did you do yesterday? I went on a drive by myself.

 [ I Believe In ] 

169: Love at first sight: Nope.

168: Luck: Yes, but luck is something that can be engineered

167: Fate: To an extent

 166: Yourself: I’d say overall, yeah. I still have doubts tho

165: Aliens: Mmmmmm yeah

 164: Heaven: Yes

163: Hell: Yes

162: God: Yeup

 161: Horoscopes: without an ounce of truth, they would have died a long time ago

160: Soul mates: the greeks had seven words for love. i think we have multiple soul mates to fit each of those categories. there are definitely people we’re just meant to vibe with

159: Ghosts: i want to say yes but i really dont know

158: Gay Marriage: yes. its 2020. grow up.

157: War: in theory? no. war is kinda messed up. in reality? not everyone is going to be down to nice diplomatic conflict resolution, and not everyone is just gonna leave people *countries* they don’t like alone, so...

156: Orbs: ??? energies are real

155: Magic: vibes are real

 [ This or That ]

 154: Hugs or Kisses: hugs

153: Drunk or High: i am a child of jesus

152: Phone or Online: online

 151: Red heads or Black haired:  irdc but black hair bc i am Emo

150: Blondes or Brunettes: blonde?? ig?? easier to dye

149: Hot or cold: hot weather + cold rooms

148: Summer or winter: summer

147: Autumn or Spring: autum (screw spring)

 146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla

145: Night or Day: night

 144: Oranges or Apples: oranges (better to share with homies)

 143: Curly or Straight hair: i dont care but curly

 142: McDonalds or Burger King: mcdonald give iced coffee

141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: dark chocolate

 140: Mac or PC: pc for vidgya gaemes

139: Flip flops or high heals: ...converse. please. i cant walk properly in either of those

 138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 

 137: Coke or Pepsi: pepsi

136: Hillary or Obama: this is kinda outdated but obama

135: Burried or cremated: cremated i aint watch spn for nothin

134: Singing or Dancing: singing. at least that gets better with practice

133: Coach or Chanel: chanel (thank u mr frank ocean and also the neighborhood)

 132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: whomst

 131: Small town or Big city: big city and if you say small town you’ve never lived in a small town

 130: Wal-Mart or Target: target

 129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: who tf is this

 128: Manicure or Pedicure: idk dude probably pedicure i don’t like people touching my hands and i use them for too much to get my nails done

127: East Coast or West Coast: hnngggggggg west coast has more to do but east coast has better beaches and 

126: Your Birthday or Christmas: birthday 

125: Chocolate or Flowers: chocolate bc then i can give u some

124: Disney or Six Flags: ive only been to disney so disney (though i AM a HARDCORE rollercoaster stan so it wouldnt take much for me to say six flags)

123: Yankees or Red Sox: what 

 [ Here’s What I Think About ]

 122: War: unfortunately sometimes necessary but not as a first resort i went over this already 

 121: George Bush: is that the shoe guy?

 120: Gay Marriage:  be gay. do crime. kiss wife. or husband. or partner. basically, hell yeah

119: The presidential election: america need 2 b single and focus on herself

 118: Abortion: pro-choice and that choice should be made by the one carrying the baby

117: MySpace: tumblr’s dad

116: Reality TV: don’t talk to about abt this

 115: Parents: disgusting. go to therapy. 

114: Back stabbers: if you’re gonna stab me in the back, pull my lungs through my ribcage bc that’s what my ancestor’s ghosts are gonna do to you (thanks great (x a few times) grandma viking ily thanks for the hair:) )

113: Ebay: good for merch and selling books

 112: Facebook: zuck my dick, data-theif

111: Work: i like doing work? like- i enjoy completing tasks and seeing my hard work pay off? it’s not that bad?

110: My Neighbors: old. boring. want me to babysit for free.

109: Gas Prices: i cant really complain rn they’re kinda low and im a little broke so

108: Designer Clothes: i vibe to them, honestly

 107: College: not for everyone but definitely for me

106: Sports: marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport marching band is a sport but only technically speaking though you can make fair comparisons to sports such as cheer, and gymnastics where the idea is to put on a show and receive a score in the form of competition. 

 105: My family: disgusting

104: The future: the future doesn’t exist

 [ Last time I ] 

103: Hugged someone: god, don’t ask me this

 102: Last time you ate: uhhh like 9 hours ago? it was dinner and i had pizza

 101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: three or four weeks ago by best bro came to visit and we vibed

100: Cried in front of someone: i finished twist and shout at school at the end of a very bad week. it was only a few tears but that’s as close as i get to crying

99: Went to a movie theater: whenever the last star wars movie came out

98: Took a vacation: last year i went to dc over summer break to see the Smithsonian, it was a lot of fun. i was supposed to go to altanta and florida this year but that didn’t happen for reasons

 97: Swam in a pool: last week

 96: Changed a diaper: never

 95: Got my nails done: never

 94: Went to a wedding: its been at least 6 years dude

93: Broke a bone: never, somehow

 92: Got a peircing: nope

91: Broke the law: technically, yesterday. 55 is too slow

90: Texted: just now

 [ MISC ] 

89: Who makes you laugh the most: the person in my snap named “junior”

88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my cat

87: The last movie I saw: probably into the spiderverse

86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: things going back to normal. or somewhat normal. i need school to have a schedule bc i absolutely cannot force myself to function without outside influence

 85: The thing im not looking forward to: ironically, school in the fall. the way we’re going back is going to wreck me more than lockdown already has

 84: People call me: i only ft one of my bros and they know who tf they are if you ask to ft you’re getting fuckin blocked mate i dont do that shit video calls are for WORK and SCHOOL thats IT. but ppl call me by my nickname irl, i go by screech on here. 

83: The most difficult thing to do is: listen to my parent’s political opinions? live in a small town? force myself to be productive without a physical influence and reminder? put up with that one dude?

82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: nope

 81: My zodiac sign is: scoprio/leo/gemini

80: The first person i talked to today was: the potential bassist for our potential band? 

79: First time you had a crush: uhh im still not sure if it was a crush but i wanted them to myself and they wanted (and got) someone better. we were just friends so it doesn’t really matter

 78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: the person on snap named “the great oracle”

77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: yesterday, it was my brother

 76: Right now I am talking to: in order of snap names, “vibin ~[^.^]~”, “russian umbrella”, and “mom” (not really)

75: What are you going to do when you grow up: hopefully, a job that makes me happy

74: I have/will get a job: as soon as i know what’s going on with school. but like as an adult? wherever will hire me and pay my fairly. being a barista would be fun, but at a local place (not in my current town)

73: Tomorrow: ???? time for bad poetry: tomorrow i will see my friend/ admist this lasting chaos/ we will be each other’s solitude/ while sharing fruity drinks/ and when we both come home/ a smile we will bring

72: Today: idk what this means so more poetry: today i will be sleep deprived as always/ i will think of them and weep/ but no tears will fall from my eyes/ for i know there is a reason/ we went our own way

 71: Next Summer: i fr dont know whats goin on so: next summer i will be/ as happy as can be/ because i will be in pain no longer/ the earth is sure to heal/ and i will heal with her/ so i can enjoy/ the heatwave of next summer

70: Next Weekend: next weekend i will spend/ my days wasting away/ maybe ill finish hannibal/ again/ not that serial killers make the dopamine stay/ i will not see my friends/ or talk to my family/ i will seldom eat/ and live off coffee/ this has been my life/ all quarintine/ god someone please help me

 69: I have these pets: i have four cats, three chickens, and a dog

 68: The worst sound in the world: my dad and grandpa talking

 67: The person that makes me cry the most is: Them

 66: People that make you happy: snap name time: the great oracle, junior, vibin ~[^.^]~, russian umbrella, mom, hero, booby-king 48, go to bed, son, pooper trooper, mac&cheese, plain egg biscuit, apple pie

 65: Last time I cried: i dont cry bitch (last week over officals that cant make up they gottdamned mindes)

64: My friends are: my family and i would die for each and all of them

 63: My computer is: an old hp but it play gaemes real good so it okie

 62: My School: is trash but the band pops off

61: My Car: old, fast, clean

60: I lose all respect for people who: are my dad

 59: The movie I cried at was: i cried over big hero six

 58: Your hair color is: blonde

57: TV shows you watch: supernatural, good omens, hannibal, parks and rec

56: Favorite web site: this hellsite or youtube

 55: Your dream vacation: out of the country with beautiful beaches, amazing food, and my best friend

54: The worst pain I was ever in was: the time i split the back of my head open, the time i split my chin open, and the time my then best friend said they didn’t want to talk to me anymore. i’ll let you guess which one hurt the most and which one i think about every fucking day

53: How do you like your steak cooked: medium or medium well. 

52: My room is: clean and a reflection of myself, or so i’ve been told

51: My favorite celebrity is: i do not engage in celebrity worship. ill follow them and reblog gifs/interviews but i dont really have a favorite. the less i know abt them the better.

 50: Where would you like to be: my own apartment in nyc

49: Do you want children: FUCK THEM KIDS BRO

 48: Ever been in love: i dont know if it was love. i dont know if it was a crush. what i do know id that i was attached and they didn’t feel the same, and why would they?

 47: Who’s your best friend: we dont really use best friend bc but “the great oracle” “junior” and “vibin ~[^.^]~”

46: More guy friends or girl friends: its 50/50

45: One thing that makes you feel great is: goin fast, the beach, playin video games

44: One person that you wish you could see right now: them

43: Do you have a 5 year plan: go to college, earn degree

 42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: commit arson

 41: Have you pre-named your children: FUCK. THEM. KIDS. BRO.

40: Last person I got mad at: they do not understand that they do not know everything about something they’re not even involved in yet

39: I would like to move to: new zealand

38: I wish I was a professional: artist? musican? youtuber? who knows

 [ My Favorites ] 

37: Candy: nerds

36: Vehicle: 1970 mustang gt

 35: President: jfk only bc his assassination is the only good thing abt american history the rest of it is fucked up and shouldn’t have happened. also jfk’s song in assassians the musical goes hard

34: State visited: california

 33: Cellphone provider: verizon? apple? idfk

32: Athlete: what is sport

31: Actor: i don't watch shows or movies

30: Actress: i do not consume media

29: Singer: alex gaskarth or alexander deleon

 28: Band: fall out boy 

 27: Clothing store: hot topic (i will not apologize)

 26: Grocery store: okay harris teeter fucks but lidil’s has aloe vera juice and target at 9 pm energy so idk man 

25: TV show: supernatural...

24: Movie: big hero 6

 23: Website: tumblr or youtube

 22: Animal: snow leopard 

 21: Theme park: busch gardens bc roller coaster go fast

20: Holiday: christmas

19: Sport to watch: snowboarding bc its like skateboarding but on snow

18: Sport to play: anything with havy footwork (marching band is a sport)

17: Magazine: i do not condume media

16: Book: the ranger’s apprentice series as a whole makes up my all-time one favorite book

 15: Day of the week: friday bc its game day baybey

14: Beach: cocoa beach in florida but also i have so much left to experience 

13: Concert attended: i havent been to any notable gigs but i was supposed to go to hella mega

 12: Thing to cook: pancakes

11: Food: pizza or shushi

 10: Restaurant: chiplote

 9: Radio station: i like my local rock station and my local edm/top 40 station

8: Yankee candle scent: anything smoky or vanilla idc

7: Perfume: chanel no. 5 if i even wear it

6: Flower: Hydrangea

5: Color: orange

 4: Talk show host: cecil palmer

 3: Comedian: john maulaney

 2: Dog breed: yes

1: Did you answer all these truthfully? ;)

That was a trip. But it was fun, please do things like this more often. Also, I don’t consume media by choice. I’m not sheltered I just can’t be bothered, and I have enough going on. That being said I will now be sleeping. Thanks again, Anon, I hope you have fun reading this :D

[tayegi]

Revenge is a Dish Best Served... Hot? (m)

When your roommate keeps you up late at night with her noisy rendezvous with male overnight guests, you and Seokjin team up to plot your revenge...  How? With a taste of her own medicine, of course. 

Dedicated to my roommate :”) ily, but please let me sleep.... 

Warning: Seokjin smut

Word Count: 17,051 

*********************************************************************************

Your heart stops in your chest when you walk in through the door of your apartment after a long day at lab—to find your roommate snuggling with a strange man you’ve never seen before on the couch. They look up at the sight of you and casually hold up their hands in greeting, but your roommate doesn’t even bother to move from where she’s practically lying in the stranger’s lap.

“You’re back from lab late,” Lei calls out to you.

You cautiously set your bag on the counter and think through your words before responding, “Yes… and I have to wake up tomorrow at six in the morning to set up an experiment.”

“Aw, you poor thing,” she offhandedly comments before turning back to her new male companion.

You remain standing in the foyer for a few moments, staring at the way she snuggles back into his embrace without a second thought. But neither of them notice your heated glare, and you have no choice but to moodily march into your bedroom… the one located directly next to the living room in which they currently occupy… with the very couch they sit on pressed against the wall of your room, your bed mere concrete inches from their canoodling… Luckily they aren’t having sex this time.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Normally, you are completely cool with your roommate having visitors over. Boyfriends, dates, one-night stands, whatever. You’ve had your fair share of hookups in the past, and it’s not your right to judge… when these hookups take place in the privacy of one’s own bedroom, that is. But your roommate has this strange preference for canoodling in your shared spaces…

And with only a thin wall to separate you from them, you can hear them as clearly as if they were standing right before you. You groan as you hastily change for bed and dive for your earplugs. But of course, it’s useless. You can still hear the high-pitched squeal of your roommate’s giggles through the spongey material. And with each passing second, the anger in the pit of your stomach heats until it reaches its boiling point.

Jin!!! You angrily text your best friend, in lieu of stomping out in the living room and giving the inconsiderate couple a piece of your mind like you’d really like to, She’s doing it again!!!!

Like always, it only takes him a minute to respond, Lei?

Yah. Who else? Ugh, im going fucking crazy!!!

What guy is it this time? The one who grunts like a pig during sex or the one who asked to borrow a pair of your socks?

Neither! It’s a new guy :( 

Just tell them to shut the fuck up.

Akljslkfjsdkflsk

Srsly, ___. Just do it.

>.< ur no help! Forget it.

Want me to come over and do it for u?

N.O. trust me, Jin, that’s the last thing id ever want.

Y? bc u cant stand to see me saving ur ass again?

No, bc ud only make things worse w/ that scary face of yours.

Not my fault ur blind and cant appreciate beauty.

U look like a mean alpaca

Wut??? Y u lyin? Bitch, im beautiful and u know it!

Whatever. ur no help. Now ill just suffer through the rest of the night listening to their gross scream laughing.

Wanna sleep over instead?

Nah, u live super far away. Just forget it. Maybe I can try to shove two pairs of earplugs in D:

U need 2 just grow a pair and deal with this problem instead of avoiding it.

Asjdflklsdfk maybe one day…

Aite, coward. But don’t turn to me crying.

… why are we even friends again?

Bc no one else likes you.

Jin, r u saying u like me…?;)

No. I tolerate u. plz don’t go putting words in my mouth.

Ya ya whatever. love u too, baby <3

Istg if u call me that one more time…

Goodnight, baby 😘 😘 😘

…goodnight

You smile fondly at that last message. Why is Kim Seokjin such a tsundere? Pretending that he doesn’t care for you, when you know that he probably sees you as a little sister to him. But he’s not Jin if he’s not cold and aloof. Shaking your head in amusement, you place your phone down and lie down on the bed with a smile on your face.

You’re not sure what higher power allowed you to befriend someone like Kim Seokjin years ago in college, but you thank that unknown deity on a regular basis. You don’t know how you’d survive the stress of grad school without Jin’s snarky, dramatic, mostly unwarranted comments every day. Just thinking of your best friend is relaxing enough to put you to sleep and within minutes, you feel your exhausted mind drifting off… Until—

“HEHEHEHEHE, you’re so funny!”

Lei’s high-pitched giggling instantly slams you back into full consciousness. You lay there, staring up at the ceiling in defeat, before flopping over to muffle a scream in your pillow. Fuck your life…

*********************************************************************************

“What are you still doing?” Jin groans as he watches you type furiously at your kitchen table.

“Sorry, I just need a few more minutes,” you say as you hastily type another line of code.

“I thought you wanted to grab food!” he exclaims, “Why are you like this?”

“Shh,” you shush him, “Go stare at your reflection in the back of my laptop and shut up.”

Jin sighs dramatically, “I think it’s very irresponsible for a full grown adult woman like yourself to demand that someone drives her to lunch, only to stand them up.”

“Relax, I’m not standing you up,” you mumble as you hastily delete your line of code and reconsider it, “I just need another second to rerun these analyses… And no one told you to pick me up! I could’ve just taken the subway.”

“And get mugged again?” he snorts, “Like I’m going to let that happen. I can’t deal with that again.”

You shoot him a wry glare, “Not everyone can drive around in their fancy little cars, Mr. Rich Kid.”

“Psht. You’re the one who chose to be a broke ass grad student. Who would willingly want to be a student for another four years?!”

“Six years,” you quietly correct him.

“Six years?! Okay, that settles it. You’re officially insane.”

“At least I enjoy it! You’re the one who sold your soul to the corporate overlords and have to suffer through that boring financial… wait what do you do again?”

“How do you know nothing about me?! Investment—”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Can you come take a look at my analyses?”

“Oh my god… I knew there was a reason you wanted me over,” Jin says with a good-natured sigh as he scoots over to peer at your laptop screen, “Your silly overeducated mind can’t handle a bit of math.”

You scowl at him as you show him the output of your analyses, “Just tell me if this is right or not…”

“What’s the magic word?” he chimes in a singsong voice.

“Sweet cheeks?” you offer.

He immediately scowls, “Forget it. Do your own damn analyses.”

“I didn’t mean that!” You exclaim, clinging onto his sleeve before he can walk away, “I’m sorry, dearest Jin! You are as rich in intelligence as you are in beauty! Please bless me with that sexy brain of yours!”

His lips twitch at your exaggerated words, but to your relief, he concedes, “Fine,” he sighs dramatically, “But only because you asked so nicely.”

You feel the urge to retort back, but you stifle it down in order to show him your output screen, “Please look this over and let me know where I fucked up…”

“What a noble man I am, helping you with the most basic math,” he’s as dramatic as always as he pulls your laptop towards him.

“Yes, my savior!” you pretend to swoon.

Jin actually cracks a smile at that, and opens his mouth to respond, but at that moment, two bodies come crashing in through the front door. Your gut twists in annoyance when you identify the intertwined bodies as Lei and her new man aggressively making out in the doorway.

At least they have the decency to briefly separate when they realize that there is company in the apartment, “Oh, hey guys,” Lei greets the two of you.

Both of you hesitantly wave back. Normally, she would spend longer chatting with the two of you (or flirting with Jin, more like), but this time, she is too engrossed with her new friend. As soon as she finishes greeting you, she reattaches her lips to her male companion’s, and they messily stumble onto the couch to make out more.

You stare at them with a disgusted look on your face, before you quickly catch yourself and politely clear your throat, “So, Jin, what do you think about my analyses?” He doesn’t respond, so you poke him after a second, “Jin?”

“Sorry, what?” he says, forcibly tearing himself from the stomach-turning spectacle, “I can’t concentrate when I’m literally on the verge of vomiting.”

You quickly shush him, horrified that your new guests on the couch might hear his offensive words, “Don’t be like this! It’s a beautiful and natural part of life!”

He ignores you, “Is this the shit you have to deal with on a daily basis?” Jin asks you in horror.

You wince, “Pretty much…”

“Damn… Ok, I’m gonna go beat them both up for you. This is unacceptable.”

“No!” you hurriedly grab his hand before he can follow through on his threat, “Come on, let’s just leave. Aren’t you hungry?”

“___, you seriously can’t keep running away from confrontation!”

“I know, but—ugh!” Frustrated, you shut your laptop and tighten your grip on his hand to forcibly drag him out of the apartment, “Lei, I’m leaving!” You call out before you step outside, but of course, she doesn’t even notice.

As soon as you shut the front door behind you, you whirl around in the hallway to face Jin, “I know that this is gross and really inconsiderate, but what can I do?”

“Just tell her to fucking stop,” he says, his solution as simple and blunt as always.

“I wish I could! But you know that her mother’s the landowner of this apartment complex. I’m paying barely half the rent of what a nice two-bedroom apartment like this downtown should go for! I can’t afford to piss her off!”

“That’s such bullshit,” Jin growls, “You can’t just let her get away with everything she wants because she can hold this over your head. Move out. Hell, if you need somewhere to stay, you can crash with me.”

“Ugh, it’s really not that simple. That’s not a permanent solution.”

“Neither is just letting her get away with this without any consequences for the rest of your life.”

“Yeah, I know… I just need to think of a better approach…”

“Fine. If you won’t talk to her, then get back at her.”

That makes you pause, “Wait… what?”

“Two can play that game,” he explains, “How is it fair that she can be so inconsiderate and rude fooling around with guys in your shared living space? So you should do it too. And she’d be a complete hypocrite if she found fault in it.”

“I…” you blink as you try to think it through, “Wait… that’s not such a bad idea, actually…”

“Of course it isn’t,” he says at once, “I’m a genius, after all.”

“No, you’re really stupid,” you absentmindedly inform him as you mull over his suggestion, “Wait… no, I think this actually could work, Jin! Wow, I just need to find a man to fool around with in front of her! This is exciting!” You exclaim, beaming at this point.

“Yes, exactly. Give her a taste of her own medicine. She probably lacks the basic empathy to understand how gross this is. So you need to let her know how it feels.”

“Ok,” you grin, “I think I will, thanks Jin! I’ll call Jung Hoseok tonight and ask if he wants to come over.”

“Wait—Jung Hoseok?” Jin asks with a wrinkle of his nose, “Are you really going to go down that route again?”

“Sure, why not? I mean, he’s the ultimate fuckboi, and I would never date him, but that’s not what I want from him tonight, now is it? And I think Hobi would always be down for a hookup with no strings attached.”

Still, Jin clicks his tongue in disapproval, “That seems excessive and rather dangerous for this ploy, ___.”

“Dangerous?” You repeat in surprise, “How so?”

But he only ignores you, “Why do you actually have to hook up with someone for real? Why can’t you just fake it?”

Your brow furrows in confusion, “Fake it? How would I fake it on my own? Do you want me to pretend to masturbate or something, you pervert?!”

He cringes at the very thought, “No way, you nasty. I was just saying that I’ll help you act it out in front of her.”

“You? Really? Why would you do something like that?” you ask, shocked by the very thought.

He shrugs, “Why not? It’ll be fun. You know I’d love nothing more than to get back at that gross, overly touchy roommate of yours.”

You pull a face of sympathy when you remember all the unwarranted flirting and excessive skinship Lei had subjected Jin to over the years you’ve lived with her. “But she knows we’re friends. She’ll never believe that we’re hooking up.”

“Why not? I’m hot. Of course you’d want to fuck me.”

You glare at him, but don’t have the energy to discipline him for once, “But why would you want to fuck me? That’s the unbelievable part!”

“Why not?” he says in a flippant tone, “I’m hot and horny, you’ve got tits, we’ve been friends for years, and things just fell together. Boom, done. Now let’s go get omelets.”

“Seokjin, they’ve long stopped serving breakfast.”

“Damn it, woman!” he exclaims, “I told you to hurry up!”

You can’t help but grin at that, “Guess we’re just going to have to eat fried chicken again!”

He shoots you a glare, “Again?”

You beam back, “Yup!”

*********************************************************************************

“Ok, she’s supposed to come back from the grocery store any minute now,” you hiss at Jin that next weekend, when you finally find the time to put your plan into action.

“Alright, what should I do?” he asks as he flops down on the couch next to you.

“Hmm… I’m not sure,” you say as you awkwardly swing your legs over his.

He easily lifts your legs and drags them over his lap, “Should I take off my shirt?” he asks, fingers already fidgeting with the top button.

“No!” You exclaim, sitting up to grab his hands, “What’s wrong with you?!”

“Oh please,” he says with a roll of his eyes, “You know you want to see it.”

“No, I don’t,” you snap back, and for good measure, you pull up the front of his shirt to cover him up to the neck, “Keep that nasty shit to yourself.”

“How is she ever going to believe that we’re fucking?” he sighs.

You pull your legs off of his lap, “I knew I should’ve just called Hoseok,” you groan.

“No, we can make this work,” he says, suddenly leaning down to lay on top of you, hands pressed into the cushions on either side of your face to keep from crushing you, “Isn’t this better?”

But you flush at his close proximity. Whenever you think that you’ve finally gotten used to his impossibly handsome face, he proves you wrong. And lying on top of you like this, with his face inches away from yours… You can see every detail of his face from the sharp angles of his jaw, to the intensity of his dark gaze, and the fullness of his pink lips. Flustered, you squeeze your eyes shut, and blindly fumble out of his grip.

“No, it’s not!” You exclaim as you shove him off of you.

He looks at you, surprised by your dramatic reaction, “What’s wrong with you?”

“N-nothing! I just… I want to be on top instead!” You practically shout as you push him on his back.

Confused, Jin nevertheless complies, “Alright, fine. Whatever floats your boat, you crazy woman.”

You sigh deeply. He’s a lot less threatening now that he’s on his back with his lips far away from yours, and you find yourself finally able to relax. Until you realize that you need to climb onto his body. “I just don’t want Lei to get the wrong impression,” you mutter as you awkwardly shuffle around on the couch, looking for the best position, “Can’t let her think that you’re the one in charge here.”

Jin snorts, but nevertheless crosses his arms behind his head and watches you make your approach under half-lidded eyes, “Whatever helps you sleep at night, babe. Now climb on up.”

Your face nearly explodes with heat from his casual use of the pet name. “You’re so annoying,” you grumble under your breath as you swing a leg over his waist. But it feels ten times more awkward to straddle him, and you quickly scramble up to hover above his stomach instead, avoiding his crotch like the plague. There’s a moment of uncomfortable silence. Then—

“Is this normally how you hook up with guys, ___?” Jin asks as he cranes up his head to try to look at you.

You scowl down at him, “Are you questioning my methods?”

“Yup. Stop being so damn awkward and sit down on me already.”

You flush at his word choice, “J-Jin, I—”

But he grows impatient with your hesitance and takes it upon himself to grab you by the hips and yank you down on him so that you straddle him around the hips, making you sit directly on his—

“Jin!” You yell out in indignation, your face as hot as a furnace at this point as you grab at his vast shoulders for balance.

That smug bastard is as unfazed as always, “What?” he says with a cock of an eyebrow.

You tighten your grip on his shoulders, “Nothing,” you spit out, “You’re just really… skinny,” you say, dragging your nails down his torso as a punishment.

He snorts in response and grabs your hands to flatten against his chest, “Does it feel like I’m just skinny?” he says as he forces you to feel the hardness of his pecs.

“Yes,” you growl, “You bony ass bitch.”

His face scrunches into a scowl and he opens his mouth to offer you an undoubtedly biting retort, but at the moment, the front door swings open.

“Hey, ___, I’m back. How are—AH! What is that?” Lei squeals when she realizes that you’re lying on top of a man, “Wait, is that Kim Seokjin?!”

Your best friend awkwardly pops his head out, “Hi.”

“Oh my fucking god… Are you guys hooking up?!”

“…Uh…Yes?”

Jin winces at your robotic answer and tries to make up for it by smoothing a hand up your thigh, making you jump in surprise, “It’s been like a year now,” he informs her, “Where have you been?”

Lei just shakes her head as she puts down her grocery bags on the ground, “I should’ve known. You guys were always too close to just be friends.”

But that comment makes you frown, “What do you mean by that?”

Jin slaps a hand over your mouth, effectively shutting you up before you can question her further, “Just shut up while we’re still ahead,” he growls into your ear, “And fool around with me.”

“What are you talking about?!” you hiss back, alarmed.

Instead of responding, he splays a large hand across your lower back and shoves you flush against him. It takes everything in your power to keep from squealing out in surprise, but when Jin unexpectedly bites down on your earlobe, you can’t help the squeak from bursting out.

“The hell’s wrong with you?” he whispers in your ear, “Can’t you moan like a normal person?”

“I-I’m sorry? I just wasn’t expecting—eep!” you squeal again when he presses a kiss to the sensitive skin under your chin.

He pulls back with a sigh, “Why are you acting like this? You’re the one who wanted to cause a scene, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I did, but I—” You stop there, embarrassed. How can you explain that you were expecting to just roll around, faking it? How naïve could you be?

Jin sighs again, “Fine, you can suck on my neck instead,” he says, craning his head upward to allow you access.

You pause at that, gazing down at the sight before you with wide eyes. Here is the most attractive man you have ever seen in your entire life, laid out before you like a seven-course meal, just waiting for you to have a taste. Your mouth waters, and if not for your crippling embarrassment, you might have dived right in to eat him whole. But this is your best friend… your platonic best friend who has never seen you as a woman. He’s just doing this as a favor to you, and you won’t allow yourself take advantage of the situation and enjoy this too much…

Easier said than done.

The moment you lean your face down, his masculine scent overwhelms you, making you lightheaded at once. You silently say a prayer in your mind, then lean down to press your lips against his neck. It’s a dry kiss—just a peck of your lips to his skin, but it still makes shivers slide down your back. How many times have you imagined touching him like this? Back in the budding years of your friendship during college, this was all you could think about. It would drive you insane, fighting back your urges to touch him, and staying awake at night stewing over your jealousies of his new fling of the week. It can’t be healthy opening this door again, when you’ve been doing so well keeping non-platonic thoughts of your friend out of your mind for so long… But how can you resist?

When Jin makes no sound of protest, you grow bolder, greedily parting your lips, and before you can second-guess yourself, you flick your tongue over his pulse point. There’s a beat of silence, where you realize what you’ve done and crippling embarrassment fills you. You’re just about to sit up and beg for forgiveness, when Jin does something very unexpected. He weaves a hand through your hair and pushes your head closer.

“Jin,” you whisper against his neck, shocked by the action.

He simply hums in response, “Keep going.”

Your heart is fluttering like a little bird in its cage as you silently obey. As though intoxicated, you can’t help but plant a series of open-mouthed kisses across the expanse of his neck, admiring the way his muscles flex as he twists his head to allow you room. But when you graze your teeth across a prominent vein, he suddenly groans.

“Do that again.”

The low, rumbly quality of his voice makes shivers wrack your body as you jump to do as he says. You gently sink your teeth into a patch of skin under his ear and soothe over the bite marks with your tongue until he groans again. You know that the sounds are probably for show—to feign pleasure to your snooping roommate, but you can’t help the way they send heat straight to your core.

Another few seconds of this, and Jin begins to shift from underneath you, presumably from discomfort. Instantly feeling guilty for sitting on him so heavily, you spring up to relieve him of your weight. But you’re a bit fuzzy with arousal and miscalculate your movements, unintentionally sliding down on him further… until your thigh rams into a strange hardness in the left leg of his jeans… wait could that be—?

“Ugh, how long are you two going to continue doing that?!” Lei’s shrill voice breaks you from your reverie.

You spring away from Jin as though burned, “Wh-what?” your voice is trembling, but you can’t help it.

Lei glowers at you from across the room, “I am trying to make dinner here.”

As though completely unperturbed by what had just occurred on the couch, Jin smoothly answers for you, “What’s wrong, Lei?” he asks with a perfectly arched brow, “Does this bother you?”

She glares back, “Not at all,” she spits through gritted teeth. “You know what? I’ll just eat out.” And with that, she snatches her purse off the counter and marches out the door.

You flinch as the door slams after her. Then you turn to stare at Jin with wide eyes, “Oh my god… I can’t believe that actually worked.”

He chuckles, “I told you it would, didn’t I?”

You laugh along with him, even as you peel yourself off his body and slide to the floor, “Thanks, Jin. She actually believed it! Now she’ll think before hooking up with a guy in our common space again!”

“Great. Just let me know if you need my help again,” he says as he rises to his feet.

“Wait, are you going somewhere?” you ask in confusion as you watch him pick up his phone from the coffee table and slip it into his pocket.

“Yeah, I have work in the morning. I should go home and prepare.”

“But I thought we were going to get dinner after this?”

“Next time,” he says as he makes his way to the door.

You’re a bit stung by his cold rejection. He doesn’t even have the decency to look at you as he blows off your dinner plans. Normally, you’d scold him for this kind of behavior, but this time, you’re a bit relieved that he’s leaving after such an awkward encounter.

“Ok. I’ll text you?”

“Yeah. See you later,” and without a second glance, he walks straight out of your apartment.

As soon as the door closes behind him, you collapse into an undignified pile on the ground, groaning weakly and clutching at your still pounding heart. What the hell had happened back there?!

*********************************************************************************

Unfortunately, it becomes apparent over the next week that your ploy with Jin did not work at all. Lei brings home a new guy less than three days after your romp on the couch, and to your utmost dismay, they go at it all night long. You’re basically a walking zombie the next day at school, horrifying your lab mates by the way you hog the French press throughout the entire day.

By the time you finally leave lab that evening, you’d like nothing more than to just faceplant in bed hibernate for about a decade. You trudge into your apartment complex, let yourself in through the front door, and nearly jump out of your skin in surprise at the sight of Kim Seokjin chilling on the couch.

“AHH! You scared me!” You exclaim, clutching your heart in fear, “How did you get in here?!”

“Your doorman recognized me and let me in the building,” Jin informs you, completely unfazed by your dramatic reaction.

“Oh… that makes sense… Wait, no! How did you get into my apartment?!”

“I have a spare key.”

“Oh…” You say, blinking at the realization. Then—“Wait, what?! How do you have a spare key?!”

“Your mom gave me one.”

“She did what?!”

“Shh. Keep your voice down. You’re so noisy,” he says with a wince. “I wouldn’t have had to barge in here if you would just pick up your phone… Why are you so late?”

“Late for what? …Oh shit. We were supposed to have dinner tonight, weren’t we?!” Wide-eyed, you dive for your phone, and sure enough, there are three missed calls, all from Jin. “I’m sorry, I don’t have service on the subway.”

He scoffs, “I could’ve just picked you up from lab.”

You hastily shake your head at the very thought of it, “Seriously, it’s not a big deal…”

“Fine… what do you want to eat?”

You hesitate, “Jin… it’s always nice to eat out with you… but maybe it’d be nicer to get take out?”

He squints at you in suspicion, “What’s up with you?”

Damn! How did he see through you so quickly? You widen your eyes, trying to play innocent, “Nothing! I just… wouldn’t this be more convenient?”

Still, he scrutinizes you from head to toe with those sharp eyes of his, “Why are you saying this? And why do you look so terrible? Do you have manuscript deadlines again?”

“No, that’s not it,” you quickly say, not wanting to worry him.

“Midterms? Bad meeting with your advisor?”

“No, no. None of those. Seriously, don’t worry. I just didn’t sleep well last night and I’m kinda tired.”

He leans forward so far that his nose nearly brushes you, making you instinctively jump back in surprise, “It’s Lei again, isn’t it?”

You freeze at that, like a deer caught in the headlights, “N-no?”

But he sees through you like you’re transparent, “Ugh, so our scheme didn’t work?”

You awkwardly drop your eyes to your feet as vivid memories of what had transpired between the two of you in this very room come flashing back, “No, I don’t think so… But hey at least we tried, right?”

You don’t have to look up to know that he’s boiling with anger, “Hell no!” he curses, “Are you seriously going to let that asshole get away with it? No, we’re just going to have to think bigger!” He dramatically declares.

“Jin…”

“Trust me, ___we’ll make her regret messing around with you like this.”

“Ok…” you warily agree, “If you say so…” but you can’t shake the excitement that bubbles in your chest at the thought of what he has in store for you.

*********************************************************************************

The next day, you find yourself propped up on the kitchen counter with Jin standing between your legs.

“When is Lei coming home?” he asks as he casually rubs his large hands over your thighs.

But you’re too distracted by the feeling of his warm palms on your bare skin that you can’t think, let alone respond. Why did you choose to wear shorts today, of all days…?

“___?” he says your name in confusion when you take too long to respond.

You jerk your head up in surprise, “Y-yes?”

He frowns at your strange behavior, “Your roommate… Lei. When is she coming back?”

“I… um…” you blink hazily at him, too mesmerized by the beauty of his perfectly symmetrical features up close to process his words, “What?”

He raises an eyebrow, and tries to ask the question for the third time, when there’s the sound of a key in the lock. “Hurry and kiss me.”

“W-what?!”

But at that moment, he reaches forward to cup your face in both hands and presses his lips against yours. The door slides open, and Lei curses at what she finds in the kitchen, but you barely notice. You’re too fully engrossed in the heady sensation of Jin’s silken lips sliding against your own.

“Hi guys, I’m home!” Lei practically yells to catch your attention.

Jin pecks your lips one more time before he pulls away to flash her a displeased look over his shoulder, “Hey.” And with that, he leans in to kiss you again.

Normally, you’d be embarrassed by this public display of affection, especially with your best friend of the last half-decade. But you can’t process anything other than the fact that the most beautiful man on planet earth is kissing you… finally. Never in a million years would you have ever predicted such a thing.

“What are you doing?” Jin whispers to you between long, languid kisses, “Kiss me back.”

That makes you realize that you’ve been completely still this whole time, unable to move one inch from fear as you passively accept his kisses. Tentatively, you begin to move your lips against his, but as soon as you reciprocate, Jin suddenly freezes. For a moment, you’re terrified that you’ve offended him somehow. Are you a terrible kisser? Do you disgust him?

But less than half a second passes before he emits a sound from the back of his throat that sounds suspiciously like a moan, then deepens the kiss. Surprised by the action, your hand instinctively flattens against his chest, but you’re unsure if this is to push him back or urge him closer. Jin interprets it as the latter and steps forward until he’s flush against you, forcing you to feel the hard lines of his body.

You must be possessed. There’s no other way to explain it. Why else would you take it upon yourself to explore the firmness of his torso with interest? It is completely unlike you to boldly slip your hands under his thin t-shirt and grope at the tight muscles of his stomach like a fucking pervert.

To make matters worse, Jin doesn’t provide an ounce of resistance as he eagerly arches into your touch and slides his hand from your face to grab at your hips instead. Then, he suddenly grabs at your thighs, forcing them to lock around his waist. And that’s when you feel it again. The strange hardness in his jeans that you felt a week ago during that incident on the couch. And there is no fucking way of mistaking it this time: Kim Seokjin is aroused. He has a fucking boner that you caused. What the fuck is happening?!

At that realization, heady arousal slams into you with the force of a sledgehammer. All you can think about is grinding against his erection. You want to touch him, kiss him, feel him all over. But most of all, you just want to make him feel good. It’s more than a desire at this point, but a raw need. At this point, you are so drunk off the sensations of his hard body pressed against yours and his sinful tongue sliding down your throat that you almost do something very stupid. Your hands dart to his belt, tingling with the need to touch him—

But the hard slam of a door makes you break away from him with a little yelp.

“You guys are fucking disgusting,” Lei mutters under her breath as she escapes to her bedroom.

There’s a brief moment of disoriented tension between you and Jin where all that can be heard in the kitchen is your heavy pants. But then he steps away from you, leaving you cold from the lack of contact.

“Jin…” you whisper in a small voice, “Wh-what was that?”

Despite his harsh breathing, your best friend seems relatively unaffected by what had just transpired between the two of you. He nonchalantly shrugs, “What do you mean?”

You stare at him for a moment, but the sight of his flustered appearance, with his full lips swollen by your kisses and his cheeks tinged a rosy shade of pink, only makes the voracious desire in the pit of your stomach flare with need. You tear your eyes away, “I… I don’t know. I think… I think we may have taken that too far.”

“Whatever. It worked, right?” his tone is unexpectedly cold as he responds.

You glance up in surprise before lowering your gaze again, “Yeah… but what just happened… um… should we talk about it?”

“What’s there to talk about?” he snaps, “We took it too far, right? We’re just friends, right?”

“Right…” you hesitantly reply, wondering what you’ve said to piss him off so much, “Just friends… nothing else… It’s not like we’re attracted to each other or anything crazy like that…” you say, praying that he’ll object to that obvious lie. The burning erection in his pants is undeniable proof otherwise.

He snorts, making you look up in hopeful surprise, “Don’t you even try lying to my face.”

“…Jin?”

“There’s no way you’re not attracted to me, so don’t even try with that bullshit.”

That was not what you were expecting at all. Angered by his arrogance, you flash him the deadliest glare that you can muster, “You’re so full of yourself, Kim Seokjin. Do you really think that every girl in this universe wants to hop on that dick?”

“Of course not,” he smoothly says, “but you clearly do.”

“How is your head so fucking big?” you snap, horrified by how spot-on he is with that assessment. “And look who’s talking: you were hard as a rock, asshole.”

Jin’s eyes pop open, as though shocked that you’ve noticed. “Yeah, so what?” he spits back, even as he awkwardly hovers both hands over his crotch area, “I’m human, of course I’m gonna pop a boner if someone’s fondling me in such a perverse way! Don’t think you’re special.”

Your face heats at the insult, “Really? So you weren’t attracted to me at all? You would’ve just popped a boner for anyone?”

“Yeah, exactly,” he says with a glare, “It’s just like masturbating, isn’t it? Being touched feels good.”

“Great,” you growl, “Well you can go take care of that yourself, dickface.”

“Or you could do it for me.”

That makes you stop in your tracks, “Wh-what?”

He rolls his eyes at your dramatic response, “Don’t get any ideas in that simple little mind of yours. It’ll just feel a bit better than my own hand.”

Anger flares in your chest from his condescending tone, and before you know what you’re doing, you’ve reached over to grab him roughly through the pants. “Does this feel just a bit better than your own hand?” you mock him as you massage his erection with both hands.

Jin licks his swollen bottom lip before shooting you a glare relatively devoid of any real anger, “Barely.”

Your eyes flash, and then you’re reaching into his pants to grab his bare cock. This time, Jin can’t help his instinctive reaction to your touch, doubling over as though he’d been punched, “___!”

You ignore him to squeeze what you can of his length in the restrictive confines of his pants. “Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.”

His eyes dart to yours, “Don’t you fucking dare do that or I swear to god, ___.”

You resist a shiver at the sound of his uncharacteristically deep voice that’s dropped an entire octave with arousal. Drunk on his reactions, you would happily obey, but a new thought pops in your mind about how the two of you aren’t alone. You pause and try to remove your hand from inside his pants, but Jin quickly grabs your wrist, fearful that you might leave him hanging, “Lei could come out and see us,” you remind him in a hushed voice.

He relaxes slightly at that, “Then we’ll go into your room,” And without waiting for a response, he drags you in that direction.

He practically bursts into your bedroom and kicks the door shut behind him. You blush at the sight of your messy, unmade bed, but Jin gives zero fucks as he eagerly sprawls across your sheets and yanks at his belt. As you watch him, you can’t help but feel a bit of trepidation. This is your best friend of half a decade. If you cross this line, you might as well be flushing years of friendship down the toilet. What are you doing right now?

But at that moment, Jin finally gets his belt undone and yanks down his pants and boxers without a second thought, his hard dick instantly bouncing up to slap against his stomach. As soon as your eyes land on his throbbing length, you’re done for. All thoughts about the ethics of this situation drop from your mind as you crawl onto the bed after him, eyes fixated on his bare cock and practically salivating at the sight.

Jin watches you from under hooded lids, seemingly nonchalant as he lays back against your headboards, hands propped behind his head, but when you grab him in your warm hand again, his entire body spasms.

You can’t get over the feeling of him in your hand, so hard and big, yet velvety-soft to the touch. And the way he keeps twitching, as though trying to jump closer to the heat of your hand, is intoxicating.

You gently squeeze him from base to tip, marveling when copious amounts of precum slide down his cock from your action. It slickens your movements, allowing you to give him longer, harder strokes with each passing second.

After a minute or so, Jin suddenly crashes his head back against the wall with a loud groan of frustration. Startled, you look up at him, and nearly jump out of your skin in surprise to find him already staring down at you, his gaze so heated that you feel almost painfully hot in your own skin.

“Jin…” you whisper his name, cringing at the dry, broken quality of your voice. You lick your lips for moisture, ignoring the way his eyes lock on the gesture, and try again, “Jin, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he says, but the word comes out as a strangled groan, “Fuck.”

No matter what bullshit he tries to tell you, you know that he likes this. He likes this a lot, if the way he shivers and pants, his hands clenching and unclenching in the sheets underneath him is any indication. His teeth are gritted so hard that you can see a muscle jumping in his cheek, revealing just how difficult it must be for him to hold back his sounds.

You pout slightly at the realization. You’d like nothing more than to hear him moan for you. But you have a role to play here—you’re supposed to be completely indifferent, and begging for him to moan your name would ruin that purpose, no matter how much you want it. Somehow, you still value your ego more. Just like he does.

So you pump him harder, lowering your eyes to your work to avoid the heat of his gaze, and biting down hard on your bottom lip to resist the urge to taste him… The hot precum leaking from his tip is so tempting, but you force yourself to stay strong. You can’t let him win, like he always does. Not this time. It’s been your mission in life to prove to him that you’re not just another one of his fawning fangirls hanging onto his every word. You refuse to be that person… maybe because you want to be more than just that to him…

If you let your emotions take control right now, then you’ll be doomed. You’ll let him know how much you care… How much you’ve always cared about him. And then he’ll just laugh you off, like probably does with all the other love-struck admirers. You stand no chance. This will be as much as you’ll ever get from him.

And with that in mind, you suddenly slow down your pace, realizing that this is the only chance you’ll get to ever touch him. You close your eyes as you try to remember every detail—the weight of his cock in your hand, the very texture and warmth; his ragged breathing and the way he looks, whole body drenched in sweat. It’s then that you realize with a sinking heart that no man will ever compare. That this is it.

“Fuck, ___,” Jin groans, tearing you away from your thoughts, “Are you trying to kill me?”

You ignore him to wring your fist up his length, paying special attention to the sensitive head of his cock.

Jin curses again, “Fucking hell, ____! Why are you doing this to me?” He shifts in obvious discomfort on the bed, hips lifting towards your stingy touch.

“What do you mean?” you say as you examine his heavy, pulsating erection. It’s so hot and red, you can only imagine that he’s practically at his bursting point. You almost feel sorry for him. But if he hates this so much, he can just get himself off. His hands are just about as good as yours, apparently.

Jin throws his head back and groans deeply when you slide a thumb across his slit, “You’re fucking doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“Why would I do that?” you snort, “Aren’t you just getting a little desperate?”

“Yeah, because I want to fucking cum and you’re making it impossible,” he spits back, “Why are you so lazy? Why can’t you put in some fucking effort?”

“I’m just not interested,” You smoothly lie through your teeth, “This is so boring to me.”

“If we’re just friends and you’re not attracted to me whatsoever, then why the fuck are you even doing this?” Jin growls.

He’s got you there. “And if you’re not attracted to me either, then why do you want this so badly?” you shoot back, instead of addressing his question.

“Because your hands are soft and I want to fucking cum on them!” he practically snarls, “Don’t you dare think this has anything to do with you.”

Your nostrils flare in anger, and you’re almost tempted to just drop his cock and stomp out of the room. But that would mean that you’ve let him get under your skin. And you’re determined to not let him affect you one bit.

“Fine,” you snap. And with that, you begin jerking him off as fast as you can.

Jin’s entire form crumples at once, as he practically folds his larger frame over you. He’s a bit slow with his reactions this time and doesn’t have the self-control to hold himself back before a strangled moan tears through the room.

You ignore him and the wetness in your underwear as you impatiently stroke him towards his orgasm. His precum is still flowing, but it’s not quite enough, and you quickly duck your head to spit on him to further lubricate your movements.

Clearly not expecting that, Jin shouts out your name, astonished by the vulgar action, “___!”

“Shut up,” you growl in response, redoubling your efforts. He’s so close right now. You can feel it viscerally as if it was your own pleasure. The way his arms shake with the effort to keep him upright, the way his breathing goes haywire, and the way every muscle in his body tenses like a coil… He’s either on the edge or right there. And true to your expectations, it only takes another minute of your harsh pumping before he’s suddenly latching out to grab you with both hands.

“Fuck!” he shouts, entire body trembling as he bursts all over your hands. Any semblance of self-control disappears at that instant, where he helplessly jerks his hips up into your hand, desperate for more friction.

You patiently stroke him through his orgasm, using his excessive cum as lubrication. He meets you stroke for stroke, and the fluid motions of his hips makes your mouth go dry. You’ve never seen anything so fucking hot as Kim Seokjin when consumed mindless by his powerful orgasm.

But all good things must come to an end, and a few seconds later, he pushes away your hands with a shiver of overstimulation. You reluctantly withdraw and stare down at your cum-coated hands. For a second, you’re nearly overcome with the need to taste him by sucking his cum off of your fingers one by one. Somehow, you resist and reach over to pluck a few tissues from the nightstand, “Ew.”

Jin is still breathing too hard to respond. He shakily brushes his sweaty bangs off his forehead and tucks his spent length back in his pants, “Sh-shut up.”

You ignore him to reach for the hand sanitizer instead, intentionally rubbing it on in front of him to prove a point.

A heavy silence suffuses the room, and you have no idea how to address it as you carry on with your act. You realize that the logical course of action is to kick him out of your apartment… But you don’t really want to do that.

“Come on,” Jin says, breaking through the tension, “Lie on your back. I’ll eat you out or something.”

But the way he says it makes it sound like a chore, and your face heats at the implication, “Forget it, asshole. Don’t even front. I know what a selfish bastard you are.”

His brow furrows with indignation, “What the fuck? I’ll prove to you just how wrong you are. Get on your back, kid.”

Clearly that was the wrong thing to say to him as it just encouraged his competitive drive. You try a different approach, “No way. Why do you think I would ever want that?”

“Are you still playing this game? Calm down and let me rub one out for you.”

His crassness makes you shrivel up in embarrassment. There’s nothing you’d want more, but you know that the moment you drop your pants, he’ll realize how turned on you are… You’ve already soaked through your panties at this point, and you wouldn’t be surprised if you left a stain against the bed sheets. And he can’t know how aroused you are from just pleasuring him. You would never survive the embarrassment.

“Stop it,” you say, “Just leave me alone.”

You’re not sure if you’re more relieved or disappointed when he concedes. “Fine,” he bites out, “I didn’t want to go through that effort anyways, so you spared me.”

That stings more than it should. “Whatever. Just go home, asshole.”

Jin doesn’t even look at you as he angrily buttons his pants and yanks his clothes back into place. Then, without sparing you a single word, he marches straight out of your bedroom. You count down from ten in your head, and the moment you hear the front door slam shut, you collapse onto your bed with a deep groan. It feels like all the energy has left your body, making you feel exhausted enough to sleep for a decade.

What you had just done to Jin… That was single-handedly the sexiest experience of your life. And yet… why do you feel so empty?

*********************************************************************************

You don’t speak to Jin for the next week. For most friends, this is a pretty normal occurrence. But you and Jin are so close that it’s odd to not speak to him for even a day, much less an entire week. The first few days are tough. You almost forget that you’re fighting multiple times throughout the week, and pick up your phone to complain to him about the harsh feedback your advisor’s sent you, or the annoying thing Lei’s done this time, before you collect yourself.

But when the 10-day mark rolls by, you feel your defenses crumbling. You find yourself pausing in the hallway outside of your apartment, staring down at your dry phone with a frown. Normally Fridays are your bi-weekly dinner dates with Jin. It’s been a tradition between the two of you since you were in your second year of university. Surely, he wouldn’t be petty enough to forget this… right?

You’re about to pull up Jin’s contact in your phone to call him when a family of four nearly plow you over in their hurry to the elevator.

“Sorry, Miss!” the frazzled mother yells out before she shoos her children into the elevator.

It’s too hazardous to stand out here in the busy hallway, so you quickly unlock the front door of your apartment unit and let yourself in before hitting the green “call” button. You’re just about to toss your keys on the counter when a loud vibration makes you jump in surprise. Oh, you thought you were home alone. Lei was supposed to be out until late tonight. You look up to greet her, but the smile slides right off your face when you find someone much bigger than Lei sitting in the living room. The keys slip between your fingers to fall to the ground with a loud clatter.

“Oh, shit.”

But Jin beats you to it, rushing across the room to pick up your fallen keys for you, “Here,” he says as he hands them to you.

“Thanks,” you resist the urge to shiver as his fingers brush yours. Then you drop your gaze to your feet, too overwhelmed by his sudden appearance to look him in the eye, “Jin, what are you doing here?”

“Tch, don’t tell me you forgot about our dinner night?”

You peek up at him in embarrassment, “Really…? You’re not still mad at me?”

He rolls his eyes at that, “How can I be mad at you for something so stupid? Come on. Put down your backpack and let’s go.”

Suddenly overwhelmed with emotion, you lurch forward to throw your arms around his neck in a painfully tight embrace, “I’m sorry, Jin!”

He chuckles as he hugs you back, “Don’t be, ___... Seriously. Don’t be.”

You’re not sure what he means by that, but you don’t care. All you know is that you have your best friend back, “Let’s never do anything so stupid again.”

His smile doesn’t reach his eyes when he finally lets you go, “If you say so.”

*********************************************************************************

Jin insists on walking you back to your apartment after dinner (even though his car is parked just on the curb), and you decide that it’s only proper to invite him in for a drink. But as Jin watches you fumble around in the kitchen with a beer in his hand, he suddenly shoots you with an unexpected question:

“Hey, ___, have you ever thought about me as more than a friend?”

You nearly drop the glass you had been cleaning in shock, “Wh-what?”

“We’ve been friends for a long time. Surely you must have thought about it one time or the other?” he calls out as casually as if he was discussing the weather.

You slowly put down the glass as you deliberate your next words carefully. But how can you evade the question without straight-up lying to his face? “I… I’m not sure why you’re asking me that,” you slowly say.

Jin sighs deeply and plops down his beer on the coffee table, “Stop cleaning and come sit with me for a second.”

There’s no way you can reject that simple request without appearing suspicious, so you reluctantly wipe your hands and join him, “What’s up, Jin?” you ask as you cautiously take a seat next to him on the couch and fold your legs underneath yourself.

He pauses for a moment, fiddling with the hem of his oversized cream sweater, before speaking, “I know that I’m not your type. That’s what you’ve been telling me since we first met. But surely over the past five years that we’ve been friends, it must have crossed your mind at one point or the other, right?”

You gnaw on your bottom lip, unsure of his intentions behind this line of questioning, but terrified, nevertheless, “I’m not sure what you mean, Jin.”

He sighs in frustration before trying again, “Come on, ___. You can be honest here… Have you ever thought about fucking me?”

Your mouth instantly goes dry at his question, and for a moment it feels like you can’t breathe. “Wh-what are you--? Why… I-I never!” you choke on your words, then hurriedly backtrack to try to fix your mistake, “I mean, I’m not blind. I can admit that you’re objectively hot, but that doesn’t mean that I want to—” You break off, embarrassed beyond belief, “God, Jin! Where the hell is this coming from?!”

But the tall dark-haired man purses his lips together tightly and steamrolls on, “Really, ___? So you’re trying to tell me that in our five years of friendship, not once did you ever think about me sexually?”

You take a moment to inhale deeply and brace yourself, “Never,” you lie through your teeth.

His eyes narrow, “Really?”

“Really.”

He cocks his head to the side as he considers you, brow furrowed as though deep in thought. Then, he unexpectedly lets out a bark of laughter, “Bullshit.”

Your eyes widen in shock, “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Bullshit,” he growls, “I know it’s not all in my head. I know that you want me, ___.”

Your face heats with indignation, “What the fuck’s gotten into you these days?!” you seethe, “I know how you act with the other girls, but can you keep your oversized ego in check with me at least?!”

“Fine, if you’re not the least bit attracted to me, then come here,” he says, grabbing you by the hands to drag you closer to him on the couch so that your thighs touch, “Do you really feel nothing when I’m this close to you?”

“No!” You exclaim at once, though you can’t help the way your body floods with warmth at the feeling of his hands on your skin.

“Really? Look at me, ___. You seriously don’t want to kiss me right now?”

“No, not at all!” you shriek as you try to rip your hands out of his grip, but he’s a lot stronger than you expected.

“So what you’re trying to say is that you feel nothing for me,” he presses on, a strange desperation flashing in his eyes before he quickly masks it, “There is absolutely no attraction between us, and you’ll only ever see me as a friend?”

“Yes,” you lie, since it’s all you’re good at, “I don’t like you, Seokjin, and I never will.”

At that, he drops your wrists as though burned, “Alright,” he mutters in a bitter tone, “I understand.”

You suck in a deep breath through your teeth to try to calm your pounding heart. It doesn’t work. “Good,” you whisper in a hoarse tone. Then you rise to your knees and smash your lips to his.

Jin is completely still for the longest, most devastating second of your life. You’re about to furiously apologize then throw yourself out the window in disgrace when he suddenly grabs you by the back of the neck and forcibly deepens the kiss. And then his tongue is in your mouth, boldly pressing past your teeth and curling with yours as his fingers tighten around your neck, holding you captive.

His kisses are nothing like the modest, chaste ones he gave you in the kitchen a week and a half ago. This time he’s on the edge of violent, devouring you whole and holding onto you so hard that you have zero chance of escape. It’s as though he’s afraid that you might try to leave again. But you wouldn’t even if you could. Because this has been five whole years in the making. You’ve wanted him since the first time you laid eyes on him. And now that you’ve finally got him…

You feel like you’re drowning under the heat of his touch. It’s like the blood rushing through your veins has turned to molten lava, burning you from the inside out. You’re completely powerless as you get swept up by your desires, like a leaf in the wind. All you can do is relish the sensations, clinging onto Jin with both hands as you silently beg him for more.

And he does not disappoint. Without missing a beat or breaking the heated kiss, Jin shoves both hands up your shirt, hot fingers trailing along your stomach and ribcage for a second before he boldly grabs your breasts. You gasp into his mouth in surprise, and the sound turns into a guttural moan when Jin slides his mouth from yours to suck deep bruises into the tender skin under your jaw. The multitude of sensations leaves you breathless. But before you can rip off your shirt to allow him better access, Jin suddenly jumps up and hauls you off your feet with formidable strength you weren’t aware he possessed.

His lips are on yours again before you can comment on this new development, distracting you with hot kisses until your back hits something springy. You break from the kiss with a yelp of surprise to find yourself in your bedroom, pressed flat against your messy sheets as Jin continues to mouth at the crook of your neck. Somehow, he had carried you to your room when you were unaware. And now that he’s not limited by the awkward positioning of your bodies on the couch, he’s able to lower himself on top of you, trapping you under his broad frame with no restrictions.

“Jin!” You yell out in shock when a shift of his hips has you feeling the painfully hard erection in his jeans for the first time.

He ignores you to yank on one of your legs, forcing it to wrap around his waist and allowing himself surface area to grind against as he loses himself to his lust. And then it hits you like a slap to the face that this is actually happening. That this isn’t going to be some casual make out session or another quick handjob. That after all of these years of fantasizing and waiting, you’re finally going to have sex with Kim Seokjin. This is actually happening.

“Seokjin,” you murmur his name when he begins nipping down to your cleavage, making him freeze in his tracks.

“…Yes?” He asks as he stares up at you with fearful wide eyes. You instantly recognize the trepidation in them, confusing you for a moment before awareness dawns upon you. He’s scared… because he thinks that you might ask him to stop. And you know that he would. He would do it in a heartbeat if that’s what you wanted. But he’s so aroused that it wouldn’t be anything short of excruciating.

So you giggle softly to dispel his fears and affectionately lean up to nip his earlobe, “Take off your clothes, Jin,” you whisper in his ear.

Your sultry request incites something within him, because less than a second passes before he’s shooting up onto his haunches and ripping off his clothes at lightning speed. You gasp out loud at the sight of his bare chest, hungry fingers darting to touch the hard muscle, but before you can make contact, Jin pushes your hands away to undress you as well. In a blink of an eye, your shirt hits the ground along with your bra. Jin pauses for a moment there, distracted by the mouthwatering sight of your breasts, but quickly refocuses when you wiggle out of your jeans and carelessly kick them off to the ground, leaving you decked in only a pair of thin cotton underwear. And together, the two of you peel them off your legs, leaving you entirely naked before him.

“Fuck,” he curses, eyes shamelessly devouring you from head to toe as he runs his tongue over his lips over and over, practically salivating at the sight of your bare body spread out across the sheets.

Embarrassed, you try to cover yourself with your hands, “Jin…”

He possessively rips your hands from your body and pins them above your head, “Don’t you dare cover yourself from me,” he growls before covering your lips with his swollen red ones again.

His grip is as strong as steel around your wrists and you couldn’t break free even if you wanted to. You never knew that your handsome, princely best friend possessed such strength, and it’s sexy to say the least. He had always seemed almost delicate, like he would be flimsy in bed, but you could’ve have been more wrong. It feels like a wall of concrete is closing in on you, surprisingly well-defined muscles rippling with every movement, and you feel light-headed from the intensity of your arousal.

“Fuck me, Jin,” you beg as you careen your hips up for friction.

He curses softly at this, but somehow resists, instead slipping his hand down to cup your mound, “How are you so fucking wet?” he asks in shock as he easily slides a finger inside of you.

You clench down on him at once, moaning at the sensations when he begins curling his finger inside of you. But it’s not enough. Not when you know how big and thick his cock is, and how much more nicely it’d fill you up than his slender fingers. “Seokjin,” you whine, “Please just fuck me.”

He bites down on his plump bottom lip at that, but somehow manages to refuse you with a shake of his head, “No. I gotta stretch you out first, baby. So I don’t hurt you.”

“I can take it, Jin!” you exclaim, practically thrashing underneath him when he slips another finger inside of you, rocking them both up against your g-spot in a way that makes you see stars in your vision.

Jin groans softly as you clench around him as hard as you can, clearly imagining his dick in the place of his fingers… which he could easily have, if he wasn’t so damn stubborn. “N-not yet,” he says, but the tremble of his voice gives him away.

“Please!” you mindlessly beg, “I want your dick so bad, I’m going to die if you don’t fuck me right now! Please, Jin!”

He falters at that, and when you lean up to bite down at the thick muscle of his neck, Jin’s resolve crumbles entirely. “Fuck, okay,” he breathlessly agrees, and with one last harsh twist of his thumb against your clit, he rises onto his knees to yank at his belt. “Get a condom.”

You’re so distracted by the residues of pleasure that continue to buzz in your system that you can’t process his words for a moment. But when you finally do, you hastily shake your head, horrified by the very thought, “I’m on birth control… And we know each other. You’re clean, right?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Then please cum inside of me, Seokjin,” you purr, wrapping both legs around his waist and rubbing your drenched slit against the front of his crotch.

His eyes darken at that, and in a blink of an eye, he has his jeans and underwear shoved to mid-thigh and his burning hot erection gripped in his hand. You can’t help the gasp that tears from your throat at the sight. He’s bigger than you remember. Not only is he long, but unbelievably wide in girth. You like dick as much as anyone else, but this is almost excessive. For a split second, trepidation breaks through the cloud of arousal. There’s no way he will fit… not without a great deal of pain, at least.

Jin senses your hesitation, and he lowers his head to give you a soft, reassuring kiss, “I told you to give me time to stretch you out,” he says as he gently slides the flat of his cock against your pussy lips.

That snaps you out of it, and you quickly shake your head, absolutely resolute as you spread your thighs for him, “I don’t care. Do it next time. Right now, I just need you to fuck me before I go insane!”

Jin pauses at that, “Next time…?”

You ignore him to lift your hips up, grinding your sopping wet pussy against his dick, “Please just put it in, Jin!”

He chokes back a groan at that and licks his lips, “Fuck, alright.” And his former line of questioning lost through this distraction, he shakily presses the head of his cock against your entrance, biting down hard on his bottom lip when it pops past the barrier, allowing him to sink in a good inch or two before he forces himself to stop. “A-are you okay?” he asks, voice quivering as hard as the arms trying to brace themselves on either side of your head.

It’s a bit uncomfortable having your entrance stretched this wide to accommodate his girth, but it’s not intolerable. So you nod your head and spread your legs wider, allowing him a full two more inches into your delicious heat before you press a hand against his stomach to stop him. “Ow, give me a moment,” you say with a wince.

He jerks his head in a curt nod, trying to be respectful of your needs, even as his hands grip around the sheets tightly enough to turn his knuckles white. In the minute he allows you, he restlessly noses around your neck, darting his tongue out to taste random spots, as though seeking any distraction to keep from shoving the rest of his cock inside of you like he desperately desires.

Taking pity on him, you raise your hips to meet his until you’ve got nearly half of his enormous cock inside of you. Already, it’s a bit more of a stretch than you can handle, and your body automatically attempts to push this foreign item out of you by tightening and squeezing around him. It’s completely instinctive, like a knee-jerk reflex, and you realize too late that it’s the absolute worst thing you could do to a man with his self-control shred to tatters.

The moment he feels your walls clamping around him as tight as a vice, Jin throws his head back with a gasp, then slams the rest of his length inside of you with a single jerk of his hips.

You’re suddenly overwhelmed, filled to the hilt, and you’re sure he’s hit your cervix by the sharp pain that stabs your lower stomach upon impact, but you wouldn’t dare stop him. Even the pain is poignant, the sharpness chased by the sweetest aftertaste of pleasure that has you hungry for more.

“A-are you okay?” he breathlessly asks, even as he begins to surge forward in your heat, hips immediately picking up a rapid pace.

“Yes!” You yell out, “Please don’t stop.”

“Fuck,” he curses as he digs his fingers into your thighs hard enough to bruise. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, you feel so good.”

You wrap your legs tighter around his narrow waist in response, silently urging him on as he literally fucks the thoughts out of your mind. As a result, neither of you notice the bang of the front door swinging open until a voice calls out—

“___, I’m home!”

You stiffen at the sound of Lei’s voice and dig your nails into Jin’s back to keep him from moving, “Shit,” you whisper, eyes wide with fear at getting caught, “We need to be quiet!”

Jin’s hot pants fill the air as he struggles to hold himself still inside of your hot pussy when all he wants to do is fuck you into oblivion. He manages exactly ten seconds before his eyes flash dangerously, “Fuck that shit,” and with that, he pulls back on his heels and slams into you so hard that your entire body knocks back into the headboard, and a scream of his name come tearing from the back of your throat before you can help it.

“Seokjin!”

There’s the sound of something clanging noisily as it hits the ground in the other room, followed by Lei’s cursing, “What the fuck…?”

Jin laughs under his breath as he continues to drill into you, delighting in the shrieks and bubbles of noise you helplessly emit. “Fuck, ____,” he moans dramatically, so that his voice can be heard through the thin walls, “You feel so good.”

You bite down on your bottom lip to hold back your laughter as you catch onto his wicked plan, “Oh Jin, please fuck me harder!” you wantonly moan at the top of your lungs, “Harder, baby, harder!”

Jin flashes you a brilliant grin before reaching up to bang his fist against the headboard, the loud thuds echoing throughout the room, “Like this, baby?” he half-yells, even though he has fallen motionless inside of you.

“Fuck yes!” You scream so loudly that even Jin jumps in surprise.

That is the last straw, and a second later, you hear the front door opening, “You guys are fucking disgusting!” Lei shrieks in the shrillest voice imaginable before slamming the door shut.

There’s a brief moment of silence before Jin blinks at you, “Do you think we finally got your revenge?”

“I sure hope so… What more can we do?”

A stunning smile stretches across Jin’s handsome face as he peers down at you, “Want to take this to her bed instead?”

You stare at him with huge eyes for split second, shocked beyond belief. He stares back with a raised eyebrow. Then, the tension breaks and the two of you burst into hysterical laughter.

“This is crazy!” you yelp as tears fill your eyes from how hard you’re laughing. This whole thing is just so ridiculous! Not in a million years did you ever imagine yourself to end up in such a wild situation! You clutch your aching tummy as you continue to be overcome by peals of laughter, and as a result, you don’t notice that Jin has fallen deathly silent until he suddenly grabs you by the hips with a snarl.

The laughter dies in your chest as you take in the sudden intensity of his cold stare, “Jin…?”

He tightens his grip around your hips when you shift around to try to look at him better, “Stop. Fucking. Moving.”

You instantly obey, freezing to ice as the implications of his words hit you like a ton of bricks. Your hearty laughter, with him buried deep inside of you, has probably shaken him up in the most agonizing way possible… Flustered, you nervously chuckle, unintentionally constricting and vibrating around his cock again.

Jin falls on top of you with a tortured groan, hands sinking into the pillow on either side of your head as he helplessly drives his hips forward into your warmth, “I thought I told you to stop moving,” he hisses as he pulls out just to ram himself inside of you, up to the hilt. And just like that, the tension breaks as the desire to cum rushes back, ten-fold.

“Oh my god, Jin,” you groan as he begins to mercilessly pound you into the mattress, “How are you so fucking big?”

He chuckles breathlessly, “I hope you’re not in too much pain in the morning.”

“I’ve already lost feeling in my legs,” you say, even as you wrap them tighter around his lithe waist, “What is this damn elephant trunk of yours?

That makes him laugh again, sweaty face flushing with a tint of pink, “I’m sorry baby girl.”

“Don’t be,” you groan, “Because it’s fucking awesome.”

“I promise I’ll be gentler next time,” he guarantees you through heavy pants, “But right now… I need to cum… fuck, I’m so close, ___.”

“Me too,” you groan, blindly lifting your hips for more. And as a result, you’re too dazed by your need for an orgasm to process the meaning behind his words. This whole situation should be unbearably uncomfortable and weird—you’re fucking your best friend of half a decade, after all. But for some reason, it feels right. Like you were meant to have him buried in your pussy. You’ve never known what empty felt like until now that you’ve finally experienced the ecstasy of complete fullness.

Warmth is bursting at the seams of your legs, coloring your vision a rosy tint, but still, it’s not quite enough. So you slip a hand between your sweaty bodies, seeking that extra boost that will send you off the edge. But before you can rub yourself to completion, a hand knocks yours to the side.

“Let me,” Jin offers, brow wrinkled in concern as he resumes drawing circles around your clit for you. It takes you a second to recognize the emotion on his face as jealousy—over your own touch on your body. It’s so childish and yet endearing that you can’t help but laugh at his illogical reaction. However, your amusement quickly dies in your chest when Jin vindictively digs his thumb into your clit with the perfect amount of pressure, sending you catapulting towards your orgasm so fast, you experience whiplash.

“Oh my god,” you whimper as you trash from underneath him, practically bucking him off, “I’m going to cum!”

Jin moans from deep in his chest in response to your warning and leans down to suck a hickey into your neck, “Do it,” he breathlessly commands you, “Cum for me now.”

Like a puppet on a string, your body automatically obeys, and with just one last hard slam of his cock into your fluttering walls, you squeeze your eyes shut and cum all over him. The white-hot pleasure overwhelms you, filling every cell of your body with blinding light such that your mind blanks entirely. Consequently, you’re too caught up in your own pleasure to notice when Jin stiffens above you, his own release triggered by the sudden vice-like clamping of your walls over his dick. He cums noisily, grunting your name and spitting various curses as he snaps his hips back and forth, riding out his orgasm in bliss.

When he’s emptied every last bit of his hot semen inside of you, Jin finally pulls out with a deep sigh of contentment. There’s a few minutes of blessed silence where the two of you simply lie there, nuzzling into each other with soft kisses, and listening to your racing hearts slow. You feel sluggish with exhaustion in the aftermath of your orgasmic bliss. And it feels so nice to have Jin gently mouthing at your neck as he holds you close to his body, both arms looped possessively around your waist like he never wants to let you go. Your eyes feel so heavy that you can’t help but close them, as you reason with yourself that it couldn’t hurt to doze off for just a few minutes…

But of course Jin has to go and ruin the peaceful atmosphere with his big, fat mouth.

“See? I knew you were attracted to me,” he chuckles, voice muffled by your skin.

And just like that, the mood breaks and your jaw drops with indignation, “What the hell?” you angrily shove him off of you.

Bewildered by your sudden shift in mood, Jin nevertheless rolls over onto his back, “Huh? ___, what’s wrong?”

“How are you so fucking arrogant, Kim Seokjin?” you growl as you hunt for your clothes.

“What? No, I’m not!” He protests in confusion, “How is it arrogance when I’m just stating facts? You’re clearly attracted to me! Why else would you have jumped me like some kind of feral animal?!”

Your face grows hot at the unflattering reminder, “Oh my god, shut up, Jin. I must have had a minor stroke or something. I don’t know what else could have possessed me to act in that a way. I’m such a basic bitch!”

“Why are you acting this way? It was good, wasn’t it?” he asks with a touch of defensiveness.

It was more than good. It was amazing. Mind-blowing, really. But there’s no way in hell you’ll boost his ego by letting him know that. “You have a big dick, I’ll give you that. But that doesn’t mean shit.”

He colors at your insult, “And you think you’re all that? All you did was lie down and take it, ___. I might as well have been fucking a ragdoll or something.”

“Oh yeah? Well look at you, asshole. I gave you a handjob and let you fuck my pussy. And what did I get in return? Just a bruised cervix.”

Jin splutters at the complete unfairness of your words, “B-but—what are you even—I tried to reciprocate, but you wouldn’t let me!”

You choose to ignore that, “All I hear are excuses! I seriously can’t believe you, Jin. Were you honestly expecting me to fall to my knees and thank you for blessing me with your dick?”

“Why not?” he hotly shoots back, “You were literally begging me to fuck you earlier. I think you could show a bit more appreciation.”

You heat up further as you remember the shit you said in bed, but you resolutely refuse to allow any embarrassment or weakness to show in front of him, “I don’t know who you think I am, Kim Seokjin. But I’m not one of your fangirls who pray that you’ll look in their direction, and allow you to use them like disposable sex dolls. That won’t work with me. I’m more than that. Jin, you know I am,” you say, hoping that he will agree with your statement.

To your disappointment, he snorts in derision, “Yeah right. You may pretend to be all high and mighty, but I know you’re just as thirsty for this dick as the rest of them. Just admit it, babe.”

Your ego is torn to shreds, yet you make you last attempt, desperate to not let this opportunity slip past you, “I won’t be another one of your playthings, Jin. I deserve better.” There’s a brief moment of silence following your confession. You’ve wanted to say this since you first caught feelings for him all the way back during college, and the fact that you’ve finally gotten this off your chest is both liberating and completely terrifying. You know that your chances are slim at best, but you can’t help but hope against hope.

“Tch, whatever,” is Jin’s gruff response when he finally catches his breath, “Fuck you too.” And with that, he collects his clothes and stomps out of your bedroom.

You sit there for a long time after he leaves, helplessly staring after him. Not even in your wildest dreams or most frightening nightmares could you have ever predicted him reacting in this way. With all of your years of friendship, you actually believed him to care about you. So his blunt, heartless rejection is agonizing to say the least. You had expected an awkward rejection—maybe a half-assed hug and a promise that you’d find someone else at worst. But you have never witnessed such coldness from this man who you had considered to be your best friend.

Suddenly wracked with shivers, you slowly slide under the covers and pull them over your head. The remnants of his cum is still seeping out of you, sliding down your leg to stain your sheets, but you’re too numb to care. You can only lie there and stare up at the ceiling as you fight the urge to cry.

*********************************************************************************

You can’t bring yourself to crawl out of bed the next morning until nearly noon. You know that you look like a hot mess with your hair matted and eyes swollen from crying. All you want to do is grab a glass of water from the kitchen to keep from dehydration, then spend the rest of the day cooped up in your bed.

Unfortunately, as you pour yourself water in the kitchen, Lei hears the commotion from her bedroom, and hurriedly rushes out to intercept you.

“___!” She yells your name, making you cringe.

God, you really need to get your own apartment… You take another long swallow of your water before you slowly put the glass down, “…Yes?”

She places both hands on her hips, clearly upset with you for some reason you can’t fathom, “How dare you pull a stunt like that last night!”

You wince at the volume of her voice, “What do you mean?” you ask, glancing longingly past her to the open door of your bedroom.

“Don’t you even try to play dumb, ___! That stunt you pulled with Seokjin! How could you do that to me?!”

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Irritation fills you for the first time at her hypocrisy, “Maybe we were a little loud, but so what? You bring home men all the time!”

“That’s not what I’m pissed about!” She says with a childish stomp of her foot, “Are you kidding me right now, ___?!”

“Lei, I really have no idea what you’re trying to say!” you exclaim, frustrated by this situation. Why is she acting up like this when you’re already feeling so miserable?

“You can’t possibly be this dense!” she practically shrieks at you, making you heat with anger, “I don’t care if you hook up with random guys! I care if it’s Kim Seokjin!”

“Why?” You yell back, “What’s so different about that asshole?!”

“What’s so different?” Lei repeats, dumbfounded, “Are you fucking—he’s different because I liked him!”

It takes a few seconds for you to process her unexpected confession. You open your mouth, as though to reply, but your words fail you. Instead you’re left gaping at her like a fish out of water as you try to wrap your mind around this. “Wh-what?” you finally croak out, “Lei, what are you even saying?”

“Don’t even try to play dumb,” she huffs, “I know how close you are to Seokjin. I bet he told you fucking everything! That lying bastard… Can you believe he rejected me by saying that he didn’t want to ruin our friendship, but then he goes and screws around with you just a year later?!”

You’re still reeling. “Hold on,” you say as you dig your fingers into your suddenly aching temples, “I need a moment to process this…”

But Lei ignores you to continue ranting, “Seokjin is an asshole, and we all know this. I’m not surprised. And I don’t care if you’re dating now. That’s fine. I don’t even care that you guys show your sickening PDA in front of me… But to fuck the guy who you knew I liked so noisily when you knew I was home?! Now that’s actually messed up, ___.”

You wince at the accusation, “It’s not like that, Lei. I seriously didn’t know!”

Your roommate sniffs loudly, “Yeah right, bitch. I hope that you’re pleased with yourself,” and with that, she turns dramatically on her heel to march out of the apartment.

“Wait, where are you going?!” You anxiously call after her.

“To fuck Jung Hoseok!” She informs you with a perfect flick of her long curls over a shoulder.

You flinch in shock, “Wait, you’ve fucked him too?”

“I guess he got tired of waiting for you,” she snickers before she slams the door shut.

You stare at the front door for a few seconds, contemplating your next course of action. What you really want to do is chase after your roommate and clarify this huge misunderstanding with her, but it’s clear that she won’t be receptive to anything you’re saying right now. So you decide to put that problem on the backburner. But for the meantime…

Your expression darkens as you pull out your phone to scroll to Jin’s contact. Done with being sad, your tears have all dried up and now you’re just pissed. Time to get some answers from this shady fuckboi.

*********************************************************************************

“Oh,” Jin’s eyes widen at the sight of you on his front door step less than half an hour later, “___... when you said that we needed to talk over the phone earlier, I didn’t realize that you meant in person… and right now.”

“Why? Is not a bad time?”

He shakes his head and moves out of the way, “No, please come in.”

You remove your shoes at the entrance before slowly walking across the vast apartment and taking a careful seat on his expensive leather couch. He lives by himself in a luxury apartment tower in the heart of the city. This is what happens when you don’t make the poor decision of entering a six-year doctoral program and living in near-poverty conditions until you’re thirty. Must be nice…

“How did you even get in here?” Jin asks as he pops open two beers from the fridge and hands you one.

You gratefully accept the icy beverage, “The security guard let me in.”

“What? Why?!”

You shrug as you take a sip, “I dunno. He seems to think that I live with you.”

“Oh… That’s weird.”

“Yeah…”

Things between the two of you are still awkward from the events of last night. All you can think about when you look at him is how good he looked in your bed, drenched in sweat and swollen red lips parted in pleasure. But the heat rising in your blood quickly chills over when you remember the way he had rejected you and crushed your ego mere moments afterwards.

“I had a really interesting discussion with Lei earlier today,” you say as you take another cautious sip of your beer.

“Oh?” His eyebrows raise in surprise, “About what?”

“About something that transpired between the two of you last year…”

“Oh…?” He folds his hands awkwardly in his lap, and it might just be your imagination, but does he suddenly look nervous?

You twist in your seat to face him, “Jin… why didn’t you tell me that Lei asked you out?”

His face blanches at the accusation and it seems like he wants to deny it at first, but thinks better of it, “I… I just… I mean, I didn’t see the importance of bringing up something like that…”

“How is it not important?” You snap back, temper rising, “Lei is my roommate. And you’re supposed to be my best friend! How could you have kept such a thing from me?”

He shrugs and drops his gaze to his lap, clearly abashed, “I dunno… It just wasn’t a big deal…”

“Of course it’s a big deal!” You practically yell at him, horrified by his heartlessness, “And to fool around with me in front of her when you knew she liked you?! How could you have done such a thing?!”

His ears are flushed pink at this point, “You’re right. I’m an asshole. I deserve this…”

But his apology still doesn’t explain shit. “You’re not normally like this!” You exclaim in frustration, “Why are you acting all shady and weird?! This isn’t like you!”

He shrugs again, unable to make eye contact at this point even if he wanted to. His broad form is shriveled up with shame, making him look like a little boy caught stealing. “I don’t know…”

That answer isn’t good enough, “Cut the bullshit, Kim Seokjin!” you growl at him, “And just tell me, once and for all: Why didn’t you tell me about Lei?!”

He chews his plush bottom lip for a few seconds as he mulls over his answer, “Because I didn’t want to,” he finally admits.

You’re practically tearing out your hair at this point, “And why’s that?!”

“I just didn’t want to!”

“Why the fuck not?!”

“Because I was afraid that you would never date me if you knew!”

The confession hits you like a slap of icy water in the face. It’s so unexpected, so completely disorienting that you can’t even wrap your mind around it. For a moment, you fear that you’ve misunderstood, “…What did you say?”

Jin’s entire face is as red as a tomato with embarrassment, but with enormous courage, he forces himself to venture on, “You’re a loyal person, ___,” he says in a small voice, “I’ve known you for five years now, and I know that you value your friendships above all else… Chicks over dicks, right?” he says with a humorless chuckle, “I knew that if you ever found out about Lei having feelings for me, that I’d be off-limits. And then I’d never have a chance with you!”

Oh god… What is he even saying right now? Could the great Kim Seokjin, the ultimate playboy with girls throwing themselves at his feet, begging for a chance, actually have feelings for you…? This can’t be real. “Jin…” you whisper his name, “Do you… do you like me?”

He winces at your question and buries his burning hot face in his hands, unable to respond except for a stiff nod of his head, “More than that…” he finally manages to choke out.

Your world spins dizzily around you, and you’re grateful that you’re sitting, otherwise you might have fallen over with the way your knees suddenly weaken to mush. “B-but… but why haven’t you ever said anything to me?” You croak, trying to process this bewildering situation, but it still feels like you’re in a dream.

“And get my heart broken?” he snorts, derisive, “No thank you.”

“How are you so positive that I’d reject you?” You ask, looking up at him in confusion.

“Are you serious, ___?” he says in astonishment, “You’re the one who tells me every day how you’re not attracted to me. And that you only see me as a friend.”

You flush at the accuracy of his words, “Yes, but that’s because you’re a fuckboy! All you do is hookup, and you don’t care for relationships.”

“Maybe that’s because I’ve been waiting for the right one.”

That statement takes your breath away, “But… b-but,” you stammer, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Why does it matter?” he bitterly counters, “You never reciprocated my feelings, and I’m not good enough for you, so why bother?”

“What?!” you explode at that. You’ve never heard anything so untrue. “What the hell are you talking about?! No one said that!”

“You have!”

Your face scrunches into a deep scowl, “What the fuck? No way! I would never say something like that!”

“Are you kidding me?! ___, you literally just said this to my face last night!”

“I did not! Do you have listening comprehension problems or something? Because there’s no way I would ever—”

“ ‘I deserve better’,” He spits out, quoting you word-for-word, “I get it… And I agree, okay? You do deserve someone better than me. But saying that to me like ten minutes after my dream of getting to touch you finally came true… That was too cruel, ___. Even you have to admit that.”

You’re so taken aback by his rant that you can’t even speak for the next few seconds. All this time… through the past five years of friendship and secret longing… this was all due to a simple misunderstanding? For a frightening moment, you fear that you might cry.

“Jin,” you whisper in a strained tone when you finally find your voice again. He peeks up at you in curiosity. You take a deep breath to stay calm, then firmly place both hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look you straight in the eyes. You won’t tolerate any misunderstandings this time. “Jin,” you say his name again, your voice clear and firm this time.

“Yes?” He says, looking up with a glint of hope shining in his eyes.

You squeeze his shoulders, and without breaking eye contact you say in the most serious tone you can muster, “You are the dumbest motherfucker I have ever met.”

His face crumples at once, “What?!”

You ignore his offended expression and tighten your grip in his broad shoulders, “You have no language comprehension skills whatsoever, and I fear that you might be illiterate,” you inform him with a straight face.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Jin exclaims, bewildered by your unexpected attack, but offended nonetheless, “I’m smarter than you, at least!”

You shake your head while kindly reaching a hand up to stroke his handsome face, “God must have invested all his time in your face, and forgotten about your brain, you dumb son of a bitch.”

He sits up with indignation, “Look at who can’t even write a simple line of code! I do all your homework for you, you idiot! How dare you call me stupid when you couldn’t survive grad school without my help?! If I’m illiterate, then you’re—”

You cut him off with a rough kiss that momentarily takes his breath away.

Instantly, the anger slides off his face, replaced with something much softer. Jin slowly runs his tongue over his lips and looks up at you with dreamy, half-lidded eyes, “It’s not fair for you to kiss me like that when you want me to shut up… Especially when you know how I feel about you.”

You playfully flick his nose in response, “It’s not my fault that you’re too dumb to realize that I’ve been in love with you since our second year of uni.”

His subsequent reaction is so hilarious that you wished you thought to capture it on film. With his doe eyes bulging, jaw dropping, eyebrows shooting into his hairline, Jin looks like a clown or some kind of slapstick comedian and you can’t help but giggle at his reaction, “You’re so silly.”

That snaps him out of it, “Why am I the one who gets all the blame?!” He exclaims in indignation, “You’re just as dumb as me, if not more! Why would you insist that you weren’t attracted to me?! What did you expect?! For me to try to make a move, thinking that you would never reciprocate? If I’m dumb, then you literally have an IQ of fifty!”

“How am I dumber than you?” you gasp, “You can’t understand spoken language!”

“Yeah? Well you can’t talk!” he shoots back, “ ‘I deserve better.’ How did you expect someone to interpret such a vague statement?! How can you criticize someone for misunderstanding when you can’t even speak properly?!”

His neck is turning red with anger, the veins bulging and his eyes as wide as a frog’s. You open your mouth to berate him, but instead burst into laughter, “Oh my god,” you choke out between semi-hysterical sobs, “How am I in love with such a crazy madman?!”

He pauses at that, “Wait… you’re in love with me?”

“Yeah, dumbass. If you didn’t have the language comprehension skills of a seven-year-old, you’d realize that when I said ‘I deserve better,’ I meant that I wanted to mean more to you than just a hookup…”

He falls silent at that, mouth forming a perfect “O” of realization. “…That does make a lot more sense…”

“Yup…” And with that, you pull out your phone to rapidly type out a text message.

Jin looks at you with a pout, “Wow, you confessed your feelings not even a minute ago and you’re already on your phone! Is this what our future relationship will look like?!”

You glance up from your phone to shoot him a wry grin, “Calm down, you needy child. I’m just texting my friend who recently got licensed as a neuropsychologist. We’re getting tested for our first date,” you say as you affectionately ruffle his black bangs.

Jin’s eyebrows shoot up with surprise, “Why? You know we’re both clean—we literally had sex yesterday!”

“We’re not getting tested for that,” you chuckle, “I’m setting up an intelligence assessment… So I can prove that my IQ is higher than yours, once and for all!”

His jaw drops at that unexpected turn of things, “You’re insane!”

“Am I?” you shoot back, “Or are you just chicken?”

He shakes his head with reluctant amusement, “Fine. Let’s do this. But how are you going to explain to our future children that you brought their father to take a fucking IQ test to prove a point for their first date…? Whatever,” he says with a scoff, “Please hand me that dictionary on the coffee table.”

“…Future children?” you numbly repeat, even as you follow his instructions. Then you quickly snap yourself out of it, “Wait, what are you doing with that dictionary?”

“Studying up,” is his curt reply, “I have to beat you at the test to prove to you how dumb you really are.”

Gasping with indignation, you quickly drape yourself over his shoulders to ogle at the small print of the book in his hands, “You’re on, asshole!” And with that, you reach over him to rapidly flip through the dictionary, trying to disorient him while soaking in as much information as possible.

This whole situation is ridiculous. It’s unbelievably childish and you should be ashamed of this type of behavior at your age… Yet, when Jin briefly turns his head to press a kiss against your cheek before evilly blocking your view of the dictionary, you can’t help but smile. Because as immature and absurd as this situation may be, for some crazy reason it feels right.

“You’re also going to write Lei a heartfelt apology letter for your behavior,” you say with a little nip at his ear.

He stiffens at the reminder, his neck flushing with embarrassment, “Yes, of course. I’ll go and do it right now.”

But you stop him with a hand on his thigh, “It can wait until the morning,” you inform him, “But for now…” you rub your palm over the bulge forming down his left pant leg. “I promise I’ll be patient this time.”

Jin’s eyes are heavily dilated when he twists around on the couch to look at you, “You better,” he says in a quiet, rumbling voice, “Because this time, I intend on enjoying you.”

Your pulse quickens and liquid heat fills the pit of your stomach. Because for some reason, his words sound like a warning… “Yes, please,” you say in a hushed whisper, eyes as round as saucers.

“And this time, you wouldn’t dare accuse me of not reciprocating,” he murmurs, hot breath fanning across your face, “I’m going to eat you out until you fucking beg me to stop.”

“Oh God,” you croak, arousal dampening your underwear at the very thought.

“No,” he smirks, “Just call me ‘Jin’.”

There’s a brief moment of silence as you slowly process his lame joke. Then—“Oh my god, Jin!” You groan as you shove his face away from yours, “Way to ruin the mood, dumbass!”

“Wait, what? No! Come on, ___, you know that was hot!” he says, lowkey panicking as he tries to reach for him again.

You simply sigh as you situate yourself on the couch with your legs spread, “Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Just start eating me out so I don’t have to listen to your dumb dad jokes any longer.”

“Yah! How dare you?! I’ll have you know that hundreds—no, thousands of girls would have killed to—”

“Shut up and get to work,” you bark with a rough tug of his hair.

Chastened, he instantly drops to his knees, “…Yes ma’am!”

*********************************************************************************

Author’s Note: Please don’t ask me about any sequels or updates! This is solely a one-shot and will not be continued :) But I’d love any feedback! 

[samdukewieland]

Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 1

Don’t know how there isn’t a gold-rush like movement for quarantining blogs. None that I’ve seen, anyways. Perhaps there is and I’m just fantastically out of touch, like a prospector who’s just far enough outside of camp in already plundered-dry land, mistaking pyrite(?) for the actual thing. Who cares.

Last Sunday (3/22) I attempted to clean up the DVR- about once a week to just look down the barrel of TCM’s schedule and set to record whatever I find that I want to watch later. Of course, like any rational human, I just record them and never watch them, but find reasons to keep ‘em around by any means necessary. Like when the DVR Almost Full alert starts rearing its head, something someone else has recorded is first to go and not the original Taking Of Pelham One Two Three that was recorded in February of 2019.

Below is going to be an almost comprehensive breakdown of everything I watched starting on March 22.

Sunday, March 22

Badlands, Malick 1973

Had never seen it-a reoccurring theme and benchmark for what movies I will watch throughout the week and the foreseeable future. Greatness. Breeziest Malick? The last thirty or so minutes reminded me of the last thirty minutes of Raising Arizona. Really, I hadn’t realized that this was kind of the modern influence for the modern Bonnie & Clyde (big note: have not seen Bonnie And Clyde so everything I type after this will eventually have to be edited, because that was actually the influence for those movies, you idiot ((me, I’m the idiot)). Movies I would program with them: Raising Arizona, True Romance (I knew the choice of Gassenhauer was ripped from something, but didn’t realize it was Badlands), Upstream Color (it seems irresponsible to not throw in a Shane Carruth movie into something centered around a Terrence Malick movie) Ain’t Them Bodies Saints. And if you wanted to, sure, Natural Born Killers and Moonrise Kingdom, I just don’t love those movies that much (though Moonrise is waaaaaay more digestible than NBK)

Band Of Brothers (I started re-watching the week before, averaging an episode a night, just about)

“The Last Patrol” (the Colin Hanks episode-he’s got a little too much of  a “I’m Troy McClure” presence, but is far and away the better execution of this type of episode than “Carentan” was, though I guess it’s not a 1::1 comparison)

“Why We Fight” (the Holocaust/Ron Livingston episode-admittedly, I’m so in the bag for Ron Livingston, I just wanna be friends with him. The liberation of the work camp is not something you look forward to and I always forget how it is and isn’t a huge part of the episode. It’s used as the driving force behind the title of the episode and seeing that realization hit the men in Easy Company is purposely uncomfortable. One of several installments where you kind of want to skip it, because of how heavy it is. This is also the episode where you see bony Tom Hardy’s little butt)

“Points” (the baseball game at the end episode-instant waterworks once you see the baseball field, for me at least. Everything happens so quickly in this episode while at the same time feeling almost like an opus. I love the conversation between Webster and Liebgott in the back of the truck where they’re talking about themselves and they realize they’d probably hate each other if they met outside of the military. Almost a perfect encapsulation of male friendships, that and when Nix asks Winters to come home with him in New Jersey)

Monday, March 23

Moonstruck, Jewison 1987

To my knowledge, there is no call for a Frasier movie, but should there be one, I’d simply laugh and say that this is what that is. I also just realized that Cher beat out Holly Hunter for Best Actress that year. Kinda dumb and I say that as an enjoyer of Cher in the movie Moonstruck.

[I was probably watching an episode or two of Better Call Saul as well. I think I was rounding out season 1 at this point-admittedly I wasn’t keeping very good track of this. Sue me.]

Tuesday, March 24

The Apartment, Wilder 1960

Really I watched the first hour before going to bed the night before, but who cares. Weird movie! And thats after the very playful suicide jokes that’re thrown around that made me feel like a prude. What do you want me to say here, that I didn’t like The Apartment? Get outta here!

Wednesday, March 25

Shampoo, Ashby 1975

It was here that I started noticing a theme with the movies I was watching. Unplanned. I don’t know where the genre of emotionally-frustrated-and-aloof-hot-guy starts, probably much earlier than Shampoo, but Warren Beatty is quite the model example.

[I think I finished season 1 of Better Call Saul this night]

Thursday, March 26

Defending Your Life, Brooks 1991 [As of now this is available on HBO Now/GO]

This was the first movie not on the DVR. Coincidentally it was also the one liked best this week. Last summer I watched Lost In America for the first time and it dawned on me how many dudes try to make Albert Brooks movies and just come up short so often. What a movie for Rip Torn and good God, I was not adequately prepared for how big of a crush I developed on Meryl Streep because of this thing (though slightly manic-pixie-dream-girl-ish). Fun back-to-back with Shampoo. 

[I think I started season 2 of Better Call Saul this night]

Columbo “Prescription: Murder” (made-for-TV-Movie Pilot--I can’t remember what made me look it up, but I just really wanted to watch Columbo and by the grace of God, they’re all up on Amazon Prime. I’ve seen maybe a handful of episodes in my life and I guess decided, “eh, maybe I should be a Columbo-guy, it fits.” This was when Columbo was more of a concept, I guess, because he’s Falk is playing slightly against type, but like what, you want me to be mad about an episode of Columbo?)

Friday, March 27

Landline, Robespierre 2017 [As of now this is available on Amazon Prime]

I like basically everyone associated with this movie and it’s just kinda nice. My tolerance for modern day norm/mumble-core varies, though the inclusion of a Duplass brother is a pro rather than a con. Jenny Slate is very underrated, re: physical comedy. I guess my biggest gripe is how do you get Edie Falco and use her sparingly? And why come yer trying to fit in more than what the movie wants to handle? It’s kinda lazy Squid And The Whale, but whatever.

Saturday, March 28

Better Call Saul 

“Bali Ha’i”, “Inflatable”, “Fifi”, “Nailed”, “Klick”, “Mabel”, “Witness”

This is the back half of Season 2 and the first two of Season 3 and I forgot how stupid easy it is to just binge through a show. Haven’t done it and a real long time, probably since college I want to say. It’s just so good. Chris Ryan and Andy Greenwald have talked for a while about how BCS sometimes lends itself better to a binge watch model, which I can be a living testimony to now. Saturday started a real problem for me, in terms of just burning through episodes at an unsettling pace. Don’t sleep on BCS like I did, folks.

A Serious Man, Coen Brothers 2009 [As of now this is available on Netflix]

Did you realize that Joel and Ethan were cranking out a movie a year for four years in a row? And that this was after Burn After Reading and before True Grit. I think, can’t remember for sure, that a common criticism of the Coens is how cold they tend to be, which I think is a conveniently lazy take to have about them. Don’t get me wrong, these guys are cynical, but no more cynical than your average mid-westerner. I haven’t really talked about the movie, because it’s still sitting with me like all there movies are still sitting with me. The ranking filmography game is a stupid simple pleasure a lot of the times, but if you try’n do that with The Coens, you feel like you’ve insulted yourself and them with whatever arbitrary ranking you’ve come up with. Me? I’m just glad we got Richard Kind in one of these movies.

See ya next week

[zaritarazi]

okay so thank you to everyone who gave me ray + felicity’s canon ages so that i could look at them, go “oh this isn’t what i want” and just throw that out the window i’m god now i make the rules

here’s something you need to know about american jewish culture, and i never got to partake in this for a wide array of reasons, but we as a people are literally obsessed with sleepaway summer camp. like sleepaway summer camps that are specifically like, send your jewish children here! we teach them to be more jewish by surrounding them with other jews! and you know what if it works it works whatever

and this is one of those things where like, jewish kids look forward to being away from home, at summer camp, for eight literal weeks. most jewish children go through puberty exclusively at jewish summer camp, that’s just how it works honestly i have people that can confirm

and why i’m telling you this is because i need you all to imagine that ray and felicity are say like, a year apart, and are absolutely 13 + 14 at fucking b’nai shalom jcc in the mountains this is a name i just made up and i swear to you jewish people are gonna find it funny so sorry to the rest of you. this post got long as FUCK btw so under the cut. its more pro ray and felicity than like them exactly as a ship? but whatever

but anyway baby felicity is there with her light brown frizzy hair and her huge braces and her glasses and donna like, saved so much money so that felicity could go, because this is what she’s supposed to do and she just wants felicity to fit in and like, god does felicity not want to be here but like whatever. she’s pretty sure if she fakes a stomach flu she can spend her time in the nurse’s office and not have to be outside, or maybe she can fake an injury so her mom can get her money back, also you’re supposed to bring like tee shirts and fuck do y’all remember those fruit of the loom cloth shorts that you’re supposed to fold the waist over and the more you folded the waist to make them shorter the more confident with boys you were? felicity has like exclusively tee shirts from the limited too and does not fold her shorts 

and ray is like, usually he and sydney go and it’s great but they’re both 14 now and sydney has taken to making ray’s life actual hell! like you have the same braces i do sydney why are you making fun of me for something WE BOTH HAVE but so like, ray is as always very optimistic but is also so quietly relieved that he doesn’t have the same cabin as sydney does this year oh and did i mention ray had his growthspurt like, the DAY before he left for camp? so now he’s about 5′11″ and getting taller and he is ALL limbs

so like day 1 is just arriving and unpacking, felicity meets her cabinmates and her counselor who is like very nice but already felicity can FEEL everyone becoming friends and she’s like oh no i’m not going to be in on this am i- oh- let’s start planning that injury then 

also some of these camps are very much no tech and try to enforce it, they tried to take felicity’s stuff and she almost had a meltdown so they were like you know what? you’re good. you are- good

ray is having similar issues because like when you’re 14 and your brother won’t leave you the fuck alone it’s actually kind of hard to enjoy yourself??? weird

so please, if you will, basically picture that day 2 of camp felicity grabs her backpack of computer shit, goes “i have a stomach ache” and marches to the nurse and the nurse is just like. yeah sure whatever. and felicity is like actually a summer in this nice sterile air conditioned room with just me and my tech? i could like this

and then fucking ray palmer walks into the room bc he got hit in the face, day 2, during volleyball, and his nose isn’t broken but it is a little bloody, and felicity takes one look at him and then like all cynical thirteen year old jewish girls do makes a scoffing noise and is like, well that’s why /i/ don’t go outside and ray is like i didnt hear what you said, i just heard that you said it and hey how did you get a computer in here?

and she’s like oh i uh- i just did

and ray is like “wow that’s so cool!” and like ray does this as an adult so what makes you think all 14 years of him wouldn’t tumble into a pile of limbs near the counter where felicity is working and start asking her about specs

and felicity has NEVER had a boy in her life ever tell her she’s cool and she has even moreso never had anyone to talk to about computer stuff and you know when you look back on youre life and youre like shit why did 13 year old me have it so bad??? well she’s not older yet and this is the moment where shes like oh- oh no

ray is ray. felicity is his age and, in his eyes, very cute, and she’s nice to him, so like yeah he’s pretty much ready to propose

like the funny thing is they pretty much just clique up with each other and eat their meals together and go on hikes together and go so, so awkwardly swimming together and sit next to each other at the campfire and all the camp counselors are like gang- when they make beautiful jewish babies, let’s remember that we did this and we’re the heroes here

honestly one of their camp counselors is kate kane sitting in a hammock, looking over her issue of cosmo and going “ew” and returning to her magazine

but honestly, they probably are mostly just friends who have that real real tweenage love going on but like, kiss twice and yes. yes their braces did get locked but they were able to figure it out themselves. like mainly they’re just like, best friends and even though felicity doesn’t go to camp the next year bc $$$ she and ray try to keep in touch? but like it’s the 90s so it’s a little harder, it gets easier when facebook comes around but by then there is some distance just bc they’re both studying so much and so far apart that like, they cant stay in touch as frequently, she goes to MIT and he goes wherever Ray went to college, and she moves to Star City and he gets 4 PhDs in like what 2-3 years and also Jean Loring was the worst so there’s no Anna in this story that’s over now 

and here we are in Star and Felicity is... i dunno i never liked their intro so I could honestly see them just meeting at queen consolidated, ray comes in to buy the company and is like oh!!! felicity!!! hi!!! remember me!!!! it’s ray from camp!!!!! HI!!!!!

and felicity is just like  1. he got so hot 2. oh......... no

and ray’s thoughts are 1. wow she’s always been so pretty- did she do something with her hair? 2. .... did i leave the stove on????

anyway then they make an ot3 with laurel and alls well that ends well thanks for walking through jewish culture with me

[coreytravelogue]

Vancouver, BC Canada - August 29, 2019

I was meaning to post something sooner, something for after Kelowna, after Victoria, after Toronto (again) or at least something on the 5th anniversary of me going to Europe but time and circumstances got in the way. Can’t say any of the three trips would be worth their own blog but I guess since I got an hour before I board for next and biggest adventure of this year I should bring whomever actually still reads this back up to speed.

Kelowna was a bit of a let down for me, I had memories of Kelowna as a fun summer trip area to go to as a kid, instead it feels like a mere shadow of its former self, the only thing that was left from my childhood and the only thing that was relatively fun in Kelowna to do was Scandia and even that paled in comparison to how I remembered it as a kid but me and my girlfriend had fun. The purpose of the trip was to show my girlfriend more of British Columbia. The biggest highlight of the trip was to be able to play and finish Time Crisis 2 with her. Time Crisis was always one of those games I did alone and could never get anyone to play with and one I could never pass myself. Who knew that playing these shootem up games would end up being a date thing for us.

Beer I would give 1/3 C, food 1/4 C, vibe 1/2 C, transit 1/2 C and things to do a 1/3 C. So Kelowna gets C11/12 on the Corey Scale which seems like it is scathing but in the end outside of Scandia there wasn’t much to do, transit was ok, vibe was ok, food selection wasn’t that great and the beer which I was hoping to be the good thing wound up being lack lustre both in quality and selection.

Victoria I don’t think I need to review again, my view of that city hasn’t really changed it is still a favourite place to go to in BC. We went to help my friend Dani move for the forth time in 5 years. In return we got to stay at her brother’s for free. We didn’t really do that much outside of what we normally do; my girlfriend goes through the vintage shops for stuff, I go through the record and music shops and both basically enjoy walking around Victoria. Had breakfast again at John’s Place and had the best French’s Toast I have had in recent memory. I am definitely going back there for that.

Then there is Toronto, I went on a work related trip that I feel was less needed for me to go and more of a thank you from my workplace for the hard work I have been putting in over the last few months and I have put in a lot of work. I only stayed in Toronto for two nights, when I got there I barely had time to do anything but finish my mom’s Christmas shopping and buy myself a jersey. The next day was the work related training and after hanging out with fellow coworkers from other parts of the country I went to a bar that had the best selection of beer I could find and basically spin the wheel on Toronto beer.

I can’t say my opinion of Toronto has changed, I still hate the airport, I am not really a fan of their beer or lack their of, people there are nice enough and once you figure out their transit it is fairly straight forward it’s not my kind of place. With all that said I feel like I still need to visit Toronto one more time, I actually regret that I didn’t use what little leave time I have left to just take the Friday off and make a weekend out of it. I would have went to the Wonderland park, a museum maybe and see the hockey hall of fame again. Toronto is too big for me, too fast and I don’t like their beer. If I had a choice I would take Montreal over Toronto.

So here we are to now, it has been five years since I went to Europe and today I will return again though not for 2 and a half months but 2 and a half weeks. I have done enough talking about Europe, I feel like I need to talk about the adventure that has been the last 5 years since. As much as I have ranted about the glories of my trip to Europe it wasn’t what changed me, Europe was the catalyst but not the entire reason. I find myself looking back to five years and feeling like I am a completely different person than who I was back then at least from an emotional and life state.

5 years ago I was suffering from depression boardering on suicide, I had a dead end job I felt trapped, I was lonely and desperate for love in my life and I felt like things were hopeless to me. I made a promise to myself early in my 20s that before I turned 30 that I would do something with my life, it was either make a movie or go to Europe. My friend Tyler suggested Europe and I think he was right in the end. I went to Europe at 29 looking to find myself or at least a reason to keep living and after a few long nights or looking deep into myself in many places especially in Ireland I came out a better person but more or less as one friend would call me still a hot mess. I found the tools in Europe but I still didn’t know how to use them.

After Europe I was still lonely, depressed, lost and further more now unemployed even though I thought that my job would be waiting for me when I came back. On top of self induced heart break and betrayal I had my own version of a nervous breakdown not too long after I came back from my annual trip to Newfoundland. One that forced me to question whether continuing to mentally beat myself up was worth it anymore because it never worked, it only ever made things worse. I decided to try and fight my depression and try and make my life better. So I made a three year plan and got a job at Walmart which funny enough paid better than my last job. The plan was to go to school for the next two years either in Brewmastery or Library Tech and after graduation I would travel to Europe again before hunting for my career. Thankfully I chose library tech though I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I chose brewmastery.

It came down to money and health, if I was to do brewmastery at the time I would have to move to a small town in Alberta. Completely up root my life and work in a business that was and probably is killing me slowly. Or choose library tech and try to find a way to get into doing something I like which is record keeping.

By the time the summer was over I was in the best shape of my life and finally have a handle on my mental health issues. While working at Walmart I got witness the negative effects of depression. My workplaces was littered with all sort of depressed people who were all in my position but many with their own ways of dealing with it. It was through seeing them that I realized that I made the right choice in fighting. Every night I would witness people who were so obviously miserable that their misery would spill on to others and I hated that, that was the turning point to me when I realized my depression was hurting others, to see it happening here was sobering. Then there would be some who did nothing complain about where they worked and their life, some who just looked utterly miserable all night long. Again it made decision to fight more justified. All I need to do is to think about the summer to remind myself why fighting is the way to go.

My first year of college was blitzkrieg of fun, drama and life changing events. I went from having a hard time getting a woman to even having a second date with me to having two or three women who I could have had a chance with. By the end of that first year I found a summer job that paid even better than anything before and it lead to consistent work for much of 2017 which enviably lead to a full time job.

I went from preparing for a possible Europe trip in the summer of 2017 when I graduated to having a contract to work till March 2018, I went from having no one in my life who loved me to a woman who was willing to cross the pacific multiple times just to see scruffy looking hairy dog like me. I was then prepared to go to Europe after March 2018 when my contract was over only to move to any other branch and work with them till September. Even by the end of September just coming back from Australia to see my girlfriend I was preparing myself for a Europe trip only finallly now have a career. So Europe was no longer something I could do at least at that point.

Here we are in 2019, my girlfriend from Australia has moved in with me, I have a full time job that pays well, a living wage if I didn’t live in Vancouver. I have my health, I have a love in my life whom I love and who I know loves me, I have a decent job and good workplace culture though they can burn me out with work on occasion so what is the problem?

I guess over the past few months I have been afraid, I have been feeling lost and displaced as well. Afraid mainly that I could easily slip back to who I was 5 years ago though everything is different now I feel lost again I feel like I need to find the next path to go but I don’t know what it is. I feel like I have also lost touch with myself again. I don’t think I know myself very well anymore. Above all else I have been experiencing burn out over these past few months working three jobs in one.

I don’t feel like I have much if any time to really enjoy anything. If I am not sleeping or working I am trying to recover while spending time with who I love and what few friends I have left who still live in Vancouver. Again I also feel like my interests are changing, I am not as passionate about movies or music anymore. I am not as passionate about beer anymore as I was not too long ago. I know a lot about those three things but I don’t really care as much for them anymore.

I would like to get back into video games and anime again, I would like to get to hang out with more people and play games, I would like to be apart of something however outside of wishing to join D&D I don’t know where the gateway is to the next phase of my life. I even feel like that with my clothes. I feel like I need a makeover I just don’t know what the change would be so I am just walking through the fog till I find the road I like more and I will take it.

I don’t expect Europe to fix me, it didn’t the first time and I don’t expect it to this time either but I do hope if will give me some perspective. I already feel like I am getting some by talking about this now.

In 5 minutes I board, four hours from Vancouver to Chicago then from Chicago a 9 hour flight to Amsterdam. I won’t be staying in Amsterdam but will be at the end. Tomorrow will be the most stressful day of the trip for me because of some uncertainties that I am not sure of but I know I have done what I can to mitigate but I won’t know till I get there whether it will work out. This is all part of the adventure, something I must accept as per usual and in a way I like it this way. I like to plan for every possible and once I have the plan then I am ready to throw it away and let the wind guide me.

I know I will have fun, I will try my best to, I deserve it. So here we go......shazbot nanu nanu

[junker-town]

College football at Fenway Park is a crass, silly money grab

(and it’s beautiful)

It's the second quarter of the Brown vs. Dartmouth football game at Fenway Park and the Celtics are losing. I’m in the reception area that leads to the press box with some of the ballpark’s quality specialists, and we’re watching basketball on TV. It’s a better game than the one taking place outside, and besides, it's warmer in here.

Outside these walls, the baseball diamond has been turned into a football field for the Gridiron Series, where college football teams from New England will play this weekend and next. Fenway has flirted with football since World War II, when an enterprising guy named Ted Collins tried to start a team called the Boston Yanks and make Fenway their home field (it didn’t work). A few years ago the park hosted a Boston College game against Notre Dame.

When I first saw field goals on the third-base line of America's oldest ballpark this afternoon, it was like walking into my favorite pizza place and discovering it had started serving bagels instead. There was some serious cognitive dissonance, but, at the same time, Fenway is Fenway. Standing on the field sent the same electricity down my spine that I felt as a 7-year-old when I went to my first Red Sox game.

Tickets were selling during the week, but very few people showed up on this 26-degree Friday night thanks to the windchill that feels like negative bajillion. There are probably only 7,000 people in the 37,000-capacity stadium. Next week, when Boston College plays UConn, the turnout will probably be higher, but who knows by how much.

Pat, one of the guys who works at Fenway on the weekends and teaches high school physics during the week, sits down on a chair next to me. He’s wearing a Patriots winter hat and his official Red Sox jacket. An older man named Sean sits behind the receptionist’s desk. The two work together now, but Sean was once Pat’s high school teacher in Medford. He scolds his former student for not wearing a Sox hat at Fenway. Pat laughs and tells Sean to buy him one if he wants him to wear it so badly.

Then Pat asks me why I’m here. I tell him I’m writing about college football at Fenway, and he rolls his eyes.

“It doesn’t make sense,” he says, gesturing out toward the field where Dartmouth is destroying Brown.

“UMass-UMaine will be better than this,” he continues, his Boston accent softening better to bettah. “But college football around here, who are we gonna root for? BC? And then BC gets trampled? Nah. Fenway just didn’t wanna have hockey here this year.”

“Why do they have to have anything here besides baseball?” I ask.

“Money,” Pat says, shrugging.

A few hours before l meet Pat and Sean and a few minutes after kickoff, I’m standing on the sidelines behind legendary ESPN sportscaster Chris Berman. He’s wearing his famous khaki slacks and leather loafers, watching each play with intense focus. Berman went to Brown, and the school made him an honorary captain for this, the final “home” game of the season. As far as I can tell, the crowd is made up mostly of alumni who live in Boston and families of players. It doesn’t seem like many current students showed up for the game.

To say Brown’s season has been tough is an understatement. They've lost to every other Ivy they’ve played. Berman wanted to speak to the team to pump them up before they took the field tonight, but he somehow got stuck talking to the boosters instead.

“This is playing at Fenway. This they remember. Even if they aren't from here.” — Chris Berman

“And what good does that do?” he asks an old classmate who’s come down from his seat to say hello. The two chat for a bit, and Berman tells him he made a bet with a different friend, someone who went to Dartmouth. If Dartmouth wins, Berman owes the guy a seafood dinner. If Brown wins, the friend has to send Berman a case of maple syrup. A proper mayor’s bet.

I ask him why playing at Fenway matters.

“It’s something [players] didn't think they'd get,” Berman says. “Playing Ivy League football is good enough, but this is playing at Fenway. This they remember. Even if they aren't from here. They haven’t won an Ivy game yet. But if they win this one ...”

He trails off as he watches one of Brown’s players get tackled. He shakes his head.

“This is one will be in their pocket for 60 years,” he continues, looking back at me. “If they get it at 20, they keep it at 80.”

Brown won't win — Dartmouth will beat them 33-10. There will be hardly anyone left in the stands by 10:30 to watch them lose.

It’s the next afternoon, about an hour before kickoff, and I’m talking to Maine offensive coordinator Liam Coen on the field. He’s very polite and soft-spoken, but he walks away in the middle of a sentence when he spots his old UMass roommate walking toward him. To be fair, so would a lot of other people; Coen’s college buddy is Victor Cruz, the wide receiver who played for the Giants for seven years and is now a free agent.

“Vic!” Coen says, and the two give each other one of those long, genuine, wow-it’s-so-good-to-see-you-I’ve-missed-you-so-much hugs. They’re obviously still close.

“You’re just like, what is this?” Cruz says to me after he and Coen catch up for a bit. Cruz laughs as he looks around the football-ified Fenway. “It’s almost like when you go to London and play on rugby fields. I played in London last year, and I was blown away by how they transformed these places. Initially it’s weird, but once you start playing, I mean, football is football. Draw those lines on the field, get those ticks on the sidelines.”

Photo by Omar Rawlings/Getty Images

Josh Mack

Josh Mack comes up to say hi to Cruz. Mack is a freshman running back for Maine from Rochester, N.Y., who’s quietly posting impressive numbers; he’s rushed for over 100 yards in six straight games. Mack asks to take a picture with Cruz for his Snapchat, and Cruz gladly agrees. I take it for them. Mack grins when I show him the photo. Then he tells me how excited he is to be here.

“This is my first time being in a major league stadium,” Mack says. He seems a little shy.

"I’ve never been to a basketball game, a football game, a baseball game, or hockey," he continues. "It’s very exciting, even though it’s a football field right now, just being here. Seeing it. My family’s going to be here, too. It’s amazing. If you asked me this last year, I wouldn’t have thought that would be me.”

Coen’s strategy for the game is basically just to give the ball the Mack. The offensive coordinator has been turning the team around, and knows what he’s doing; he has roots in college football that go about as deep as they can in this part of America. His father started the football program at Salve Regina college in Rhode Island, and Coen played quarterback for UMass from ’04 to ’08. He coached there for a few years, too, before joining the staff of the Black Bears last fall.

“I don’t want to say there’s a lack of respect for the game around here,” Coen says. “But maybe there’s a lack of importance at times. Our kids love the game as much as anybody else. Being at Fenway is unbelievable. I grew up going to games here.”

He pauses, looks around.

“Some kids understand what it is, some don’t,” he continues. “I mean, one of our kids just called the Green Monster the Big Green Wall.”

The game starts. UMass scores a touchdown immediately, and then UMaine scores on the next drive. The game is sloppy but fun. The seats have filled up a bit, and people in Minutemen and Black Bear gear roam the concourses, buying beers and hot dogs. The expansive UMass marching band, with its intricate choreography, makes the game feel celebratory, but it also kind of just highlights the emptiness. There are as many band members in the outfield stands as there are fans behind where home plate should be.

“New England has never been about college sports,” says Tom Tasker, a middle-aged guy in a Patriots hat sitting by the Sox dugout from Boylston, Mass. “If this were a Big Ten, SEC, even ACC game — it’d be sold out. I'd say there are 10,000 people here, tops. And we're freezing our asses off.”

We are freezing our asses off. I can’t feel mine, and half of my toes have gone numb. Tasker’s son is supposed to be sitting next to him, but Gillian’s, a bar down the street, is warmer and has cheaper booze, so he’s there instead. Tasker shrugs; this is normal. When UMass has played at Gillette in past seasons, hardly any students went. No one wanted to be stuck watching a bad team two hours away from campus.

“You got the Pats, the Celtics, the Sox, the Bruins. I mean, it's always been that way,” Tasker says. “UMass isn’t good; if they were good, people would rally. But I'll admit, I didn't give a rat’s ass about them ’til my son went there and his friend from high school was on the team. There are only so many hours a sports fan’s day, and only so many dollars in their wallet. If you ask me, this is about the Red Sox making money. I don't mean to be a cynic, but there are no students here.”

By the fourth quarter, Tasker is gone, and I’ve made my way up to the press box to try to seek out any bit of warmth. I’d be surprised if there are even 1,000 people remaining in the stands as the game ends. Those who did stay are mostly families of players.

These games are gimmicks, sure, but many college football games are. Take any random bowl game that doesn’t matter: It’s designed to pull in a profit for the school, venue, and the city. These Gridiron Series games ostensibly are too, though I’m not sure if the ballpark made any money on it. Fenway wouldn’t disclose figures, but in the media dining center earlier today an employee told me that while all the suites sold out for last night’s Ivy League game, hardly any did for UMass-UMaine. Regular ticket sales weren’t great across the board.

Playing not-great college football at a baseball stadium in a part of the country that cares more about professional teams makes no sense. But here we are, and for one game — even if it’s freezing cold and the crowd is small — the stage is bigger than these players are used to. The stage is Fenway, the wooden anchor in Boston’s sea of new glass and steel. We’re in the rickety, beating heart of a city, a state, a region. Whether you’re a player like Mack, who’s never been in a stadium before, or Chris Berman, who’s been in all of them, it’s exciting.

Sure, you can wine and dine alumni here. But these games this weekend have ended up mostly being gifts for college athletes who will never hear the roar of an entire state’s fan base fill a stadium, because that fan base doesn’t exist. Whether they’re from an exclusive institution or part of a public education system, these guys now all share the memory of celebrating a touchdown in Fenway’s outfield. For kids who grew up idolizing the players who smashed home runs over the Green Monster, this is the most home a game can get, and even kids who think it’s called the Big Green Wall can still recognize that today is special. And that it’s theirs forever.

[infiniteuncertainty]

y

I feel like I am constantly running around constantly under pressure and constantly feeling useless. I believe I am frustrated and irritated beyond belief with my life. I think I have finally realized that I am not always happy and granted that’s ok - nobody in life is perfectly happy 100% of the time but lately I get into these funks where I just wish I could run away or be alone or start over or just be with a friend. I wish it were as simple as it used to be - to make plans with a friend. I can’t seem to do that much anymore. The fact that my mom is going through hell practically and my dog is slowly withering away - fuck this sounds depressing but this is how my life has been lately. Stressful, upsetting, and yet somehow busy. I remember when there were times I’d be home alone like I am now and I would just lay on the floor next to my dog or just pet her and hug her and play but she has grown old and lost her mobility. Basically, it’s up to us when to decide that she has to leave. Which if you’ve had to do this I’m sure you know how shitty it feels to have to make that decision. It really fucking sucks. Abby was truthfully my first pet but I knew she wasn’t going to make it much longer. The poor ol’ girl is 15 and I mean she had a surgery on her spine when she was like 7? It sucks so much because on the outside besides the mobility I mean she still will catch a toy for a little bit and thank god she still eats and drinks - but when she can’t get up to walk let alone stand for very long it just has to be miserable for her I’m sure. On top of all of this, my mom ha been having a hard time with her chemo, I believe they’ve changed her drugs like 4 times or so? She keeps getting reactions or bad side effects. Plus she’s lost most of her hair now and absolutely hates it. She hates the way she looks and is totally self-conscious about it all, no matter how many times I tell her how pretty she is, she could care less. I completely understand because I too am not happy with my own body so I’m sure if that were me I would be a complete mess and so that being said it sucks to feel completely useless in those times when she’s so upset. It breaks my heart but I hope this new drug they are putting her on goes smoothly. People literally call it the red devil - like wtf as if that’ not scary enough - it has a 2% risk of developing heart issues or leukemia over time. So she’s incredibly nervous and all I can do is wish and pray the best for her. 

Talking about all of this reminds me of how much people don’t understand what it’s like to go through any of this (unless they have experienced it). Becoming diagnosed with something like stage 1 breast cancer completely flips your world upside down. Of course it takes a toll on you physically but I dont think people realize it does just as much damage mentally - which obviously the person going through this suffers the most but it’s not like their loved ones are perfectly fine either! and I guess this has been eating away at me this entire time since she was diagnosed back in October. I’m not trying to play the pity card or ask for a pity party or whatever but there are very few people in my life that I call my friends that have truthfully asked me about how my mom is doing. And when I sit back and realize this - I imagine how if this were the other way around and it was my friend's mom I know for a fact I would be there for them and talk to them more than most have bothered for me. Now don’t get me wrong - there are a select few, like literally I could count on one hand, that have and I thank god that they exist or I would probably feel like complete shit 24/7. It just hurts. It hurts to know that because I had finally put my foot down and told myself to stop being that person that always reaches out because ya know what - for once it would be nice if someone reached out to me, and then to see the people who I thought were my close friends to not really say much - really fucking blows. I miss my friends. I miss having friends is how it really feels. I hate that everyone just assumes that I’m totally fine. UPDATE: I’m not. and haven’t been for a while. I miss them a lot but I keep telling myself to not bother contacting them because what is the point? it’s not like I can go meet them. I am stuck in my house. There are days I don’t mind this and there are days I want to get the fuck out. But I can’t. 

On another note - my father has turned into a real jerk. LITERALLy have not even spoken to him on the phone since our whole traveling experience where we argued the drive there AND back. I can’t stand his stubbornness and selfishness anymore. He was constantly on my as bout getting a job and how it’s gonna be a year since I graduated and how sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do in life. NOW - all of that being said yeah I know he’s not wrong but also he isn’t 100% right either. He literally has no fuckng clue as to what it is like to live here. He just thinks I’m sitting around not trying to do anything with my life because I live with my mom and darren and gmah. I had gotten so sick of having that argument with him in the car having to explain to him “what I’m doing to be so busy” everyday. I told him that he’d be the first to know when I got a job but that wasn’t enough. He questioned me bout why not take a train or uber to a job - GEE IDK MAYBE BC I DON’T WANT TO. I get incredibly anxious when taking public transportation ESPECIALLY to new places and I hate relying on it bc I’ve been late to school so many fucking times I don’t really want to stress about it - it honestly would just be really nice to have my own car so I could have my own actual life and maybe idk go see a friend or go to wherever the fuck i want to go. He still cant manage to help me out with that one - but besides all of that bullshit - IT’D BE NICE IF YOU AND LIBBY COULD HAVE THE DECENCY TO ASK HOW MOM IS DOING. THAT IS WHAT IM EXTREMELY UPSET ABOUT and why I haven’t bothered to call him since he dropped me off March 26th. I made that very clear to him in the car - he always tells me how I can call him up anytime to talk but really he made the point to say I only cal him when I need something or he doesn’t understand how I am busy when he calls me I’m either cleaning or going to the store.. yes dad that is all i ever fuking do. NO NO I don’t call you up just to talk because a.) you either talk all about your business the whole damn time b.) whatever I tell you isn’t good enough obviously sorry if I’m not busy enough. SO I’m sure he hasn’t called me because he’s gonna play it off to be he was waiting on me but HA YEAH I WASNT KIDDING. so here I am. What especially pisses me off is the way Libby has literally the entire fucking time said NOTHING to me about like oh hope your moms okay or how she doing or how are you. Like honestly if this whole situation was flipped we sure as hell would show more concern that you heartless assholes. ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT BE STAYING AT YOUR PLACE ANYTIME SOON. THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE YOU REALLY COULD CARE LESS. 

UGH Now I’m just irritated with everything. I’m trying to vent as much as I possibly can because its been a hot minute and like I said I dont get to see many friends to do this with. Sooooo I resort to my good ol’ tumblr to type up a fucking ranty novel for nobody to read. *thumbs up emojii* lmao If you have read this far - I hope you are at least having a good day♥