#But OH MY GOD I'M STILL SUFFERING IDK HOW TO COPE HELP

[blueberrybanee]

I have never looked at all of these figures with such sadness

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[rotten-rabbitx3]

God I've been trying to think of how to word this for a week but I used to see things like that too on rare occasions but a lot more in December and it turned out to be more common when i was suffering from specific food allergies but still scared it'll happen more even though I've cut those foods out of my diet entirely? Idk how to word it in a way that doesn't just sound like venting about scary hallucinations in the past I'm sorry

Oh geez! I’m sorry to hear that, nonny ):

The food allergy thing could be because sometimes when having an allergic reaction, your brain likes to go wonky. But! If you’re having bad hallucinations, I recommend going to a psychiatrist. A professional can help you figure out what medications will help, and also if you have a diagnosis you didn’t know about or weren’t sure about. A therapist would be great to, to help with coping with the hallucinations and how to function better with them while you’re being treated. Of course, that can be difficult because of money and all that.

Also it’s completely okay to vent, don’t apologize for that 💕 Just know you’re not alone

[lordendsavior]

Hey! I'm the depression anon from earlier? I'm not sure how to like, properly articulate my thoughts? I've been feeling just... downright side for a few weeks, and most of the time I have a lump in my throat, of the kind you get when you're about to cry except... I don't cry but it doesn't go away. And yeah. You know when your thoughts are a lot for you to handle but there doesn't seem to be a major triggering factor? I can think of a couple of things but I don't want them to be an issue /1

so I’m pretending they’re not. Not the best strategy. I’ve been quite efficient in the past couple of days, but I’ve also had a really rough couple of days and just…. doing things takes SO MUCH energy?? I don’t understand! How can making 2 phone calls and writing an email (still putting it off) take so. much. headspace. I want to talk to some friends about some of this but I feel I’m going round in circles and anytime anyone asks how I am I’m like “feel like shit” and it must be really /2

frustrating/ confusing because it’s been 2 years. I should be over this. It’s horrible. I also want to talk to my mum about a thing but??? she’s got a. lot. on her plate so I’m putting it off for the moment but yeah :// Feeling a little lost I guess. I’m sorry, I’m not sure what this was meant to accomplish but it’s helped a little. I’m getting a bit more support at uni but it still feels like a constant uphill battle and that I’m never…good enough. God. Talk about exhausting. /3

OH me again akjfhsdkj I also meant to ask. Is it weird to want to go to therapy but just like?? a couple of sessions? It’s a specific grief/ family dynamics issue and yeah, I can talk about it to friends but I feel I should have moved on so I sort of don’t want to keep dredging stuff up but like, I don’t think it’s a long term thing? Just temporary relief sort of? Like bounce my thoughts off someone else and see what they think? Not for their approval but just? some perspective? idk!!!!!

If I were to give you an advice I would say therapy is a good idea and if you have an opportunity to use such help you should definitely try it. You don’t deserve to be sad for that long, and it could help you organise your thoughts and feelings, understand them better, and hopefully deal with them better too. Another important thing: try to be more gentle with yourself, don’t beat yourself up as much, listen less to the voice that is telling you you’re not good enough and replace it with a voice that is understanding - it might sound silly but I think it’s the best strategy I’ve taken out of my therapy. I talk to the little girl in me cause she is the one that’s most sensitive, she is the one that haven’t been tought how to deal with the most intense and difficult emotions, she is the one that needs to hear what she’s feeling is normal and valid. It helps so much with my anxiety, with the feelings of embarassment. Not always though, and that’s another thing: you must be prepared that the feeling of “going in circles” might not go away as fast as you wish for, even if you go to therapy. You might need more than a couple of sessions, you say you “should have moved on”, that you “should be over this” but it’s that punitive voice again, telling you that what you’re feeling is exaggerated, that other people are normal and your reaction is not - that’s not true though, if something has caused your suffering it means it was too much for you to handle, and if you’re unable to shake that feeling off for a long time it means it is still too much (it often becomes even worse because suppressed feelings and/or avoidance and detachment only reinforce the unhealthy coping strategies). Give yourself time, love, and don’t expect immediate results if you decide to go to therapy. I’m rooting for you. And you can always come and talk to me if you need it