#Can't wait to find enough of bravery to write more stuff i want to write cause the angst master knows how to write a good fic jkjkjkjk XP

[just-jordie-things]

IMAGINE Ijichi getting a girlfriend who’s a grade 1 sorcerer, and he constantly compares himself to gojo and nanami and wonders why you’d even settle for someone like him, but you know that looks and power isn’t everything. Ijichi is sweet and caring snd thats what you like, even if it means Gojo’s relentlessly teasing Ijichi and making jokes like “blink if he’s holding you hostage”

~ Nanami flowershop anon

omg this is so cute i've never seen any love for ijichi i always write him in my fics as the stressed lil manager he is but he's a good dude he deserves better

that said i think if you, a grade one sorcerer, started showing an interest in him, he just wouldn't see the signs. and even if you made it super obvious (like making other people around you uncomfy with how thick you're laying the flirting down) he'd just think you were joking around or something. it would definitely take a bold move or a very long time for you to actually get together

and sometimes ijichi mentions having a girlfriend in casual passing, "can't stay too late, don't want to keep my girlfriend waiting" "oh thanks, my girlfriend got it for me" "my girlfriend recommended this coffee shop.." type stuff. and no one really presses him for more info so he just never really mentioned that it was you.

and you're pretty busy as a grade one, so it's not like you purposefully were withholding your relationship, it just didn't really come up.

my god gojo is just the worst when it comes to other people's relationships. i swear he finds out you two are together and he just can't wrap his head around it. where did weak and nervous ijichi find the bravery to ask someone out? and you? YOU?

ijichi's too kind to tell the special grade to fuck off, but you're certainly bold enough to. even going so far as to put your hand in his face and shove him if he's being particularly nosey that day- which is always.

it's worse when gojo gets him alone, though. cornering him during lunch or pestering him when he's supposed to be giving him the run down on an assignment. he probably crosses the line one too many times regarding the bedroom, but ijichi is nothing but calm and respectful. you're never someone he gossips about. he only ever has good things to say about you.

[cinnamon-phrog]

I feel... empty.

I have done for a long while.

I know I wrote about my own dislike for 'vent posts' because it more efficient to write it in a document, draft, in notes or whatever, wait and wait a few days to see if you feel the same way...

I've done that. And I still feel the same.

This... numb, empty feeling. I feel like a ghost. Translucent.

I've felt this way since... well, I've felt this way for a year now. Everything went downhill around this time last year. Happy anniversary to my own stupid decisions, I suppose.

And because of all those choices, I have developed a fear of losing people I grow close to. To the point where I am now close to no one. Not in the same way I once was.

One second I'm happy, content in my own company, feeling loved and appreciated, the next I feel... useless. Like everyone is either planning all the ways they can tear me apart or complete disinterest. I can't think of which is worse: To be perceived as a bad person, or not to be perceived at all.

I have this horrible feeling that nobody really gives a shit about me, which makes me either bend over backwards to meet their standards of a perfect friend, even though they never asked me to, or just... completely ignore them. I feel awful for doing that, but I fear if I grow closer to anyone they'll just... leave me. So either I leave first, both to save myself the heartbreak, and to save them from their own, because obviously I'm going to fuck up again, or just never give myself opportunity to let myself be more social, period.

I don't want to be 'famous', like most people want to be when they write stuff like this. I don't want thousands of followers. I just want to talk to people, without this... weight on me.

It's nobody's fault but my own. But I can't help it.

I just don't know how to make friends. I never have. I have this idea that everyone is out to get me and build my hopes up enough to leave me or hurt me when I don't meet their standards. I just want to be treated gently. But I can't bring myself to ask for that, because being soft with someone, anyone, is impossible for me to bring the courage to do. 'There is bravery in being soft'. I can't be soft because I won't let myself be vulnerable. So I'm course and quiet and more than a bit sour. I can never be sweet, or soft. Even though I know that that's what I want.

When. Because I most certainly will, in some shape or form.

I will never meet any of standards set out for me. I'm always either too quiet or too much, I can never find that middle ground. I don't even think such a thing exists for me, honestly.

In short, I'm sad. And I'[m tired of pretending I'm not.

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[thehistoricalgods]

My Experience With Ares

I've been meaning to write this for a while, and by “a while” I mean since I started this blog a few months ago. I could just never find the words and so I'd angrily delete my drafts because it wasn't right. Phrasing was off and words were inaccurate and it just wasn't clicking the way I wanted it—to convey my actual love for Ares and how much he's done for me. Just, all around, his importance in my life.

But, for better or worse, I'm putting these thoughts down now. This is going to be another long post and I'm apologizing in advance because I'm primarily a mobile user and, unfortunately, can't do a "read more" thing, so you'll just have to muscle through it. Yeah, I know. I basically suck.

So, Ares.

I guess, in order to properly begin, you need some context on my personal life. My self-proclaimed godfather died a couple years back of lung cancer, when he was around 94—he was a soldier through and through, and one of the first Mexican-Americans to receive a Medal of Honour, specifically for his bravery in Vietnam, but he'd stormed the beaches of Normandy when he was 15, and only resigned in 1998, when his wife finally talked some sense into him. He had been a colonel at the time. Anyway, he'd been a huge influence on me: he took care of me like my dad, who is also a military man, but not as kind and down to earth as my godfather was. I could go on forever about him, really, but I'll abstain, because this post isn't about him.

So when he died, I was broken-hearted. I wasn't even able to be there for him, since he went to a hospital in Spain, because he was born in Barcelona and he wanted to die in Barcelona. Of course, I was able to visit him, but I felt awful because I never got to say a proper goodbye. My parents understood, of course, they loved him too—he was my grandfather's best friend and his son always did a lot to help out our family.

So yeah. I needed comfort, badly. And, at the time, I was a super baby Hellenistic Polytheist and was just sort of looking for someone to just take away the pain I was feeling. Hades and Persephone, of course. Hestia.

But then I thought, almost out of nowhere, what about Ares? The god of war and soldiers and battle. Surely, I could get some comfort from his presence.

Unfortunately, there weren't a lot of resources on him—he's a war god, and what with most pagans being generally pretty pacifistic, there wasn't much to go off of.

So, I waited until I was home alone, cleaned up my room, and lit a red candle and just ... started talking.

At first, I was super formal about it, and said prayers and recited hymns. Anything to get his attention. Even just a little bit. I poured a libation and gave him an offering of a book about battle strategy. And I introduced myself. And just talked. Poured my heart out, really.

And soon enough, I could feel his presence, and it was comforting. Strong and protective and sort of a motivational thing. You can do this. You can overcome this. You can conquer these feelings.

Unlike some people, I don't have super distinct 'conversations' with the gods most of the time. I just talk to them and, on the occasions they're with me, let their presence envelope me like a blanket. I just let the emotions wash over me.

After an hour of bearing my soul to Ares, everything felt better. I felt better. Not healed, but I wasn't bottling everything up anymore. I'd let it out, and Ares sort of let me focus my energy on that. It was like a friend letting you rant, listening intently as they hold your hand.

So that was the beginning of my relationship with Ares. I became an active worshipper after that. The more I learned about him, the more I loved him. (As I researched him, I also did Aphrodite, and gods if I don't love them both with my whole heart). His presence is fiery and strong and warm. He's something to lean on. He's dependable, loyal, and, with me growing up in a family from a hyper-militarized culture, he really just worked for me. Not that my other gods don't, but it was a presence I was familiar with and thrived off of.

Along with the rest of them, he's there when I battle my depression—he's the definition of motivational speakers, just always yelling about his I got this, I can do this, make my problems my bitch. He wasn't like the supportive and warm Hestia, the inspiring and loving Aphrodite, the firm and fatherly figure of Hades, nor the relentless and blunt nature of Persephone. He was something entirely his own. Obviously.

I devoted myself to him faster than any other gods, save Hades. I just couldn't see any other path that I wanted. Serving Ares? Best thing ever. No regrets. I wouldn't change a thing.

He's who I go to when I need to rant, just let things out, or when I have something tough coming up and I need a quality kick in the pants to remember my self worth and that I can do this, and I will. Or when I'm studying wars and stuff in history, I like to light a candle and just kind of be like, this is for you.

So yeah. That's it. I just wanted to talk about Ares for a bit. Maybe later I'll make a post on my personal associations with him and acts I normally devote to him and things I've offered him.

— The Historical Gods