#Cao Cao “I'm going to destroy this pleb with my superior rhetoric”

[grand-theft-carbohydrates]

[here's a joke i cut out of my 3 Kingdoms fic, thought yall might enjoy it]

"What's this story about war and plums?" Liu Bei asked, "sounds interesting."

"Oh, just an amusing trifle." Cao Cao replied "Shall I tell it?"

"I'm all ears!"

“Two years ago on this very month, our supply lines were routed and my men were forced to march many li without food or water. After two days of this hardship, their throats became parched and their spirits low. Listlessness and disorder began to spread throughout the ranks. To motivate them, I pretended to sight an orchard of plums from atop my horse and promised them fruit and water aplenty when we reached it.”

He had also threatened to behead anyone caught deserting—along with two other men selected at random from the same squadron. It put a swift stop to the whinging, and the soldiers kept a close, paranoid, eye on each other, after that. 

“I can’t imagine your men were much pleased when they discovered there were no plums waiting for them after a long trek,” Liu Bei mused. “How did you placate them?” 

“By then my supplies had been restored,” Cao Cao shrugged. “Men don’t keep grudges half as well with a full belly and a double-ration of wine.” 

“Even so, they’ll remember it. People don’t like to be deceived, even if it’s for their own good.”

Oh, this was rather rich coming from the man who’d built his entire cause around an unverifiable royal bloodline. 

“Out of curiosity,” Cao Cao said pleasantly, and it was genuine curiosity, “—please do not be afraid of offending me, but what would you have done in my place?” 

 “I’d kill my horse and order my officers to do the same,” Liu Bei answered “that should yield enough meat for a half a day’s march. We’d continue on foot with the men.” 

Cao Cao could barely contain his disbelief. “It will demoralize the men to see their Commander on foot, walking amongst them like a common soldier!” 

“It will show their Commander is willing to share their burden.” 

“Your officers would mutiny if they suffered such ignominy!” 

“No, they would—Hang on, Mengde, what does ‘ignominy’ mean?”

Cao Cao blinked, totally thrown. “It… means to be dishonored or humiliated.” 

“Oh, I see,” Liu Bei nodded. “Well, they’d have nothing to complain about because I’ll be suffering it right alongside them.”

“Wishful thinking! People will—” 

“How do you write it?” Liu Bei interrupted. 

“What?” 

“How is ‘ignominy’ written?” 

Cao Cao stared at him, equal parts irritated and flabbergasted, half-convinced that Liu Bei was fooling with him, but the man looked totally sincere—and let’s face it, he didn’t exactly have the most illustrious education—Cao Cao pinched the bridge of his nose and said. “The first word is comprised of the ear-radical and ‘heart,’ the second word is ‘day’ on top of ‘inch.’” 

“Ear-radical and heart?” Liu Bei grinned, “that’s an easy one to remember.” 

“One would think so…” Cao Cao muttered under his breath. 

“Pardon?” 

“You really don’t know how to write ‘ignominy?’” Cao Cao said, out loud.

“Don’t look so shocked, Brother Mengde, I spent the first fifteen years of my life weaving mats and shoes. You could fill novels with the words I don’t know.” 

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^ this is me in every chinese conversation btw. "How you say/ How you write/ What this word mean? ect ect "

I think the inherent comedy of a conversation between "the most influential poet-statesman of his dynasty" vs "the guy who only had one year of formal education" cannot be understated.

恥辱 Chǐrǔ - ignominy.