#DEAR GEN Z I am sorry that we have been put through so much trauma...it isn't fair that we are expected to understand how to use the intern

[healingwriting]

Project SOS- HealingCore & Copingcore: Rachel Remington

[moonlight15sworld]

Log 1

Hi if you’re reading this it means that either you found it by random coincidence or you were meant to see this either way I’m glad you’re here today is the start of a series of logs that I am going to be writing these are real events that have happened to me put in the context of another person some of the events that I will be discussing are not The best in fact most of them are sad depressing and talk about explicit content such as suicidal intent and depression along the lines of many other mental illness if you are ok with this continue reading if not have a good day and I understand.

Today is Saturday, January 21 of 2023I am a Gen-z kid and currently I am 13 you can call me Alex though that is not my real name through this series I will explain of incident happened to me and things that I feel I am by no means trying to hurt anyone’s feelings or display worry to others the only goal or intention I have a best series is to spread awareness about the things that go on through my mind if you relate to this then I’m sorry if you don’t then good for you because for those of us that do it is killing us killing me

Dear diary my name is Alex and I am in eighth grade middle school student I go to a charter school it’s not the best And I strongly believe that if I had not have entered the school maybe then I wouldn’t be in my current situation as you may know today is Saturday, January 21, 2023 and I’m going to tell you about my life which is by no means happy. Currently my mental state is not the best I have many fears however the main ones that impede my learning and life are my fear of men my fear of doctors and needles and my fear of being alone for many years I have lived however for majority of my life I do not have any Memory never having it apparently losing memories of major chunks of your past your childhood could be a response to trauma your brain blocks every memory that has hurt you and the only way for you to get it back is to really want to my parents they do their best they are divorced I have a lovely stepmom and stepsister I love them it’s not like Cinderella however my mom has a boyfriend who lives with us over at my mom‘s house and he is by no means any man that should be in a house full of the female gender growing up my father is a punishment that is quite common household spanking no this is very common it is not change the fact that it was quite traumatic to me because I have grown up without most of my childhood because I had a group of it at an early age of eight or so I have always been overly mature in others eyes and due to the spanking that my father portrayed I was taught that if you lie you get spanked but if you tell the truth you will also get spanked so i Became the type of older sister that told on my little sister who never did anything wrong in my parents eyes the truth is I was I guess not loved as much as I wanted to be because I would lay in bed with my little sister and we would play with each other‘s hair as the other slept and that is the one memory that I really really enjoy when I was younger me and my little sister were friends house down the street from my mom‘s house she was playing a trailer for this one really scary movie in my eyes and it later that night when I was at my dad‘s I was too terrified to go to sleep in my bed so I did with any child would do I went out to the living room because at that time my father was in the taxis room a room right off of our dining room across the hall from my and my dad‘s bedroom me and my little sister laid on the couch and my father told us to go back to bed because we were only out there to stay up because he had a TV however even though he tried to tell him that we were out there because we were scared he threatened to spank us and make us go to bed early the next day if we did lay out there I can’t really remember if we did stay out there or not but I do remember the fear that I had in my head the fear of my father the man who I should look up to as a dad the man that I should love as my father and I was just scared and as a grown-up I don’t know if it’s thinking what is the exact reason or if it could’ve been something else but every time someone goes to hug me or pat my head or shake my shoulder or a loud sound heads out of nowhere or is someone claps too loud in front of me I Flinch and even though I’m 13 my father will randomly hit my thigh and sometimes it slaps my leg or my shoulder and I’m not the only one my stepsister who is also 13 also gets that too from him I don’t quite understand it and I don’t know if it’s just my dad’s do because I don’t want to see my father as a pervert I really really don’t wanna see him in that way because I see enough men in that way I’m terrified of men and I don’t want to be terrified of my father even though I’m scared of him I love him even though he’s broken me over and over and over again I still love him but I don’t forgive him I can’t forgive him

but he’s not the only one fault my mother she is like I guess different because she doesn’t have anything other than PTSD I don’t remember what it was from but I also don’t think that is a good reason for what she has made  me feel I had to be older and more mature even though I was 10 or younger because our family on my mom side is unreliable and they always came to my mom for help for advice and I learned from young age that my mom like everyone gets overwhelmed and no child should ever see their mom yelling at them or the dumbest dumbest mistakes no child should ever see their mom broken crying on the floor or in general because kids feed off of their parents energy and especially for me because I am one of those types of people who feed off of others energy so when someone is sad I feel sad when someone’s happy I’m happy when someone is angry I feel angry and sad and most of my feelings lead to sadness and my mom being raised as a Gen X grew up in a home that was strict and not exactly understanding of Gen z and I understand that our generation is pushing back the lines that they always follow they always follow blamelessly the rules during my grandpa‘s funeral my sister had to be taken out because she couldn’t contain herself with the overwhelming sadness my mom and her as well as other family members were crying my dad came to pick My sister up he wasn’t there cause they were divorced at the time I don’t quite remember if my stepmom was in the picture at that time or if she came in a little after at this point I don’t even matter when I met her my parents tell me I met her when I was nine but I don’t know maybe I lost my childhood before that maybe it is just a number that I came up with everything to scramble because the years passed by I can’t remember any of it during my grandpa‘s funeral my mom was hugging onto me crying a week previous to the funeral me and my little sister were taking to my grandma’s house on aware of what happened then a few days later we heard of our grandfather‘s passing I don’t believe I cried then I don’t believe I cried at all I don’t believe that I actually believed that he was gone we didn’t see him many times growing up only in family gatherings and I guess I blame myself his death was due to drugs and I guess somewhere deep down I thought that maybe if I had been more a part of his life he wouldn’t have died maybe he would still be here but I’m not a fool anymore there was nothing I could’ve done to stop and I was a child then but I’m not a child anymore when you get to middle school no one treats you as a child anymore but expects you to understand when they call you one hypocritical if you ask me but I have been talking about how everyone was during the funeral if you’re asking about how I was then I’m sorry to disappoint you when I tell you that I was numb I did not cry I did not smile or maybe I did smile abit I don’t quite remember that day but what I do remember is it walking up to the casket and hugging him it was weird because he was so pale then we drove to the burial site and we said our goodbyes and left few years later on the day of the dead that we were learning about in Spanish I planned to go see him but even though my mom promised me to take me she forgot she made other plans and couldn’t make the time take me she said we could go another day but the day of the dead but I’ve been over and I thought that they would’ve been no point because he wouldn’t be there his body would be there but his soul wouldn’t so years later in 2022 I asked her again and this time I went I wrote a letter I wrote a letter to him that I was supposed to give him for his birthday or for Christmas before he died and I never got a chance to because every time we were supposed to go something came up and we did it I had a gift of a light it’s a flashlight that I got from school and it had grandfather written on it I wrote him a happy birthday card and put it in your envelope because it’s favorite color I put it at his grave I hope that he can read it one da

I’m not much of a believer in God but every day after his death I sat by my bed and I read him a letter that I wrote to him he died over the summer so I had plenty of time to mourn before I went back to school the next year a week or so later during that same summer a week after we went to Texas to see my family on my dad side my great great grandma passed away right after we saw her she died from old age ask away in her sleep for some reason my entire life I thought that dying in your sleep is the best way to go but I saw how sad it was because when we were there she forgot like five seconds after we tell her who we were she couldn’t remember things that walk properly I don’t quite remember it because that’s just how it is with me but my dad was so sad it is really sad we didn’t go to her funeral because we didn’t know her that well my dad went he flew out to Texas because he knew her better and you’re way better I wrote a letter to her to every night before bed I would read that letter and I will pray that they can hear it they could know that I’m still thinking of them I didn’t cry before or during my grandfather Cena but I cried every single day after that single night for a long long time I guess we moved to my new house that my dad bought in Tampa to move in with his girlfriend or now wife my stepmom and my stepsister I lost my letters no idea where they went but at some point I guess I realized that I don’t need the letters every time I felt sad or anxious I would say that it’s because I miss grandpa but that wasn’t always true I just use it as an excuse and my parents wouldn’t worry because I don’t want them to worry about me they worry about my trouble selling younger sister any way so why should I make the worry about me that was a stupid way to think I know I still kind of think that way we can get more into my past in another log that’s it for today if you read it in for this please don’t hate it if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all please and if you have any advice I’d love to hear it thanks for everything I’m out