#DeadMisanthrope

[deadmisanthrope]

Happy New Year

[loveunyielding-blog]

Road To Perdition Starter

It was dusk and the sun was setting behind her, the oranges and purples running across the sky like veins. Her eyes, filled with tears and uncertainty about the decision she'd made only hours earlier. Elena swallowed, thickly. The muscles in her throat felt like they were fighting back and her stomach churned. How had it gotten to this point? How was it possible that everything was linked back to one girl? And why did that one girl have to be her? 

 It hurt. It physically hurt to think about all of the people she loved and consequently put into danger with her mere existence. It had to stop. /She/ had to put a stop to the entire vicious circle and put everyone's lives to rest. Katherine wouldn't stop her gradual assault on Elena's life. Damon and Stefan had made that perfectly clear whether they meant to or not. It sat with her, like a rock in the pit of her stomach for months while everything fell apart around her. 

She looked out over the murky water that lay still beneath Wickery Bridge. How fitting that her entire life changed in that dirty water...and it was about to become the grave it failed to be the first time around. 

 One foot landed on the concrete edging that ran the length of the bridge and she wobbled a bit but managed to rise up to full height. Her eyes slipped closed and she drew in a deep breath just to blow it right back out. Her heart raced in her chest but there was no turning back. There was no other way. This had to happen. 

 ...and then, she stepped off the edge.

[beachdylbacon]

@DeadMisanthrope on Twitter (http://twitter.com/DeadMisanthrope/status/832920675371384832)

[deadmisanthrope]

Lyrics: Iris

[deadmisanthrope]

Never yours

[deadmisanthrope]

#MisanthropeSolo - Time moves in circles

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I wake to a sunrise that promises a first glimpse on an early spring. The place I am staying at has a vast window facade facing south-east, giving a great view on the city below and allowing the light to flood the room. I've got some plans today that require blending in with the people down there. Some appointments. Some strings to pull that allow me to keep the comforts of my current life. It's funny how times changed.

Slipping out of bed to approach the window of this 47th floor suite, watching the fuss in the streets, a sudden thought strikes me out of the blue.

I think of her and wonder how long it's been since we walked seperate ways again. Years. Decades, perhaps.

I wonder where she is. What she's doing. If she forgot why we parted in the first place, like me. Maybe there was an argument that seemed too severe to solve back then. Caused by two stubborn individuals spending too much time together. Expectations. Disappointments. So eventually we needed some space.

But no matter how hard I try, I can't remember any grudge I might be holding. If anything, the memory of her brings a small smile to my face.

The transparent weather forecast on the window next to my simpering reflection predicts mild temperatures with a small chance of afternoon showers. But there is another promise in the air. It is the way the clouds seem to glow. How everything seems to be just a little brighter, just a little lighter. How life itself seems less of a sting today.

Who knows? Today might be the day. Maybe we will spot each other in the streets. Maybe it will start with a private message the device around my wrist will notify me of. Maybe she will suddenly appear. Out of nowhere. Like she did in the past. And none of us will know what to do or say. Maybe we won't see each other for another few days or weeks before one of us makes a second approach.

We'll be just like strangers again, until the walls fall once more.

It will take some time before I can admit that I missed her. And maybe she will say the exact same thing. And maybe something new, something beautiful is born from this honesty. And another circle begins. Maybe this time it will be forever. Maybe this time it will be right.

But...

Maybe we will part again. Just like before. And the world will rearrange and move on into something unpredictable. And we will change as well, evolve into people we never thought we could be. Until we meet again and another circle starts. But I know that one thing will never change. I love her now. And I know I will love her then.

Yes. Today might be that one fateful day that starts a new circle. And my reflection in the window smiles softly.

[deadmisanthrope]

#MisanthropeSolo - One breath

I needed a night out. A long walk. Some fresh air to clear my mind. The last two days brought more chaos into my life than the entire last century. Something weird had happened over night. I no longer recognize the face in the mirror. Of all the things I've ever done in my long life, nothing ever caused a feeling like this. I feel... lost. And I needed to prove myself that I'm still me.

It didn't take long, before I found my first willing victim. Willing, more or less.

As usual and without even thinking twice I used the trick Katherine taught me lifetimes ago. I lay on the road, staring at the countless stars in the sky, waiting for the first car to come across. The poor idiot almost saw me too late, hit the breaks and directed his car into a tree. Seconds later, the door flung open and he instantly started yelling at me.

"What the hell man? What're you doing in the middle of the road?"

Perfect. Right what I need tonight.

I sit up and push myself off the ground, slowly stumble towards him.

"Are you drunk, dude?" the man asks, obviously disgusted by my appearance. Yes, it's late at night and I'm drunk. Write a letter and send it to someone who cares.

"Yep~" I respond. The amused timbre in my voice only seems to enrage my victim more. Good. Rage is good. Rage is delicious.

Pulling a pocket flask from my jacket, I continue. "She will be disappointed, I guess" The amusement fades and is replaced by a tone of disgust. I'm erratic. I don't trust myself anymore. The usual calmness I feel when I'm on the hunt is gone.

The guy takes a step back while I proceed to get closer. Fear. I can taste it in the air. Oozing from every pore. Sweet and bitter.

With increased speed I catch up on the other man, easily compelling him. "Stop. Stand still." And he does, but the fear in his eyes stays.

"Why do they always run?" I say more to myself, lifting the small bottle to my lips, taking a healthy swallow.

"Vampires feed on humans. That's a fact and no one can change that. Not you." I motion at him, the flask still in hand. "Not me. And certainly not her."

He starts to tremble with fear at the mention of vampires. Tear dwelling in his eyes. But I don't pay attention. Grabbing him by the collar of his jacket, I shake him a bit.

"It's in my nature. It's who I am." Staring into his eyes for a while, like I'm expecting an answer. But of course there is none. He is too busy keeping himself from peeing his pants. I let go of his jacket, brushing my hand over its collar to fix it, saying quietly "But of course a human wouldn't understand.

Why I love her, you ask? I've been wondering that myself, you know?"

Slowly I walk up and down in front of him, while he is still unable to move. Except for the fearful shaking.

"The truth is, she drives me crazy. And not always in a good way. It's like everything I do, everything I am suddenly isn't good enough. I mean, how can she even love /me/? She was so much better with my brother."

The man struggles for a steady voice, but fails when he speaks "Please let me go. I won't call the police or anything."

But I ignore him, turn back towards him, brows furrowed, acting like I didn't hear him.

"But when she's not with me, I feel even worse. Because... it's all pointless. My entire existence revolves around feeding. And when I'm bored or upset, I kill people."

Lowering my voice as I step closer, my face only inches away from his, and I grab his collar again.

"And right now, I'm /very/ upset. What will I do? Hm? Speak!"

I snap at him and he begins to stammer.

"I don't know man, please don't kill me..." is the only think I can hear before he trails off into gibberish.

"Didn't you hear what I just said? I said I kill people, when I'm upset. And right now I'm upset, because of /her/. So isn't this also partly /her/ fault?"

There's nothing more but whimpering coming from the man and I let go of him, turning around, staring aimlessly into the darkness.

"I can't be me, when I'm with her. Because of all the things I do that make me who I am. But when I'm with her..."

I shake my head and look back at him, now snuffling, my voice low to keep it steady, tears burning in my eyes.

"...I can't control myself. So what do you think what's best? Being with her and denying what I am because I love her, but repeatedly losing control? Or being without her, merely existing from day to day..."

For a moment I go silent and all I can hear is the man's accelerated heartbeat. I take a deep breath, exhaling heavily, my voice clear, steady and calm again when I address my victim once more.

"But that's not a decision I'll make tonight."

Silence. One last breath. The air is still and all I can hear is his heartbeat. One last breath. My mind is sharp, clear and cold as ice. Everything moves in slow motion.

One last breath. One last heartbeat. A wide, cold grin reveals pointy fangs. My victim doesn't get a chance to scream. His last breath on this world will be gone and forgotten before his body hits the ground only several steps away from where his car hit the tree.

Liz will cover my story. Everything looks like just another car accident. Everything is how it's supposed to be.

Silence. My eyes close for a moment and I take a deep breath, chill air filling my lungs.

Everything is how it's supposed to be.

I am who I'm supposed to be.

I am me.

[deadmisanthrope]

[deadmisanthrope]

#MisanthropeSolo - My Hunger

I'm tired of her before it's even started. I should be excited, thrilled; the way her body arches when I run my fingertips over her soft skin. But I'm hardly paying attention to the lithe naked frame stretching out in my bed, moaning my name ever so softly. She's just another sorority girl. I won't even remember her name. Nor will she remember mine, or anything about our nonrecurring encounter. She's a means to an end, for a hunger that can't be sated; hasn't been sated for so long, that I doubt it ever will. It became a constant unrest of mind, always leaving me searching, craving for the next kick, like a drug addict. But the longer I live, the harder it is to believe that this drug exists. I stopped searching for it a while ago. This girl? Just a habit. It's what I do, what I'm good at. And it's at  my whim whether she gets to live another day in this cold world or not.

Her clenching flesh drawing me in and her pleas for more leave me unaffected. Not even her screams and whimpers as sharp fangs tear her throat open at the top of my ecstasis can change that. And when the rush subsides, the silence returns. I don't tolerate the liveless body spread out next to me for too long. Carelessly I shove her off the sheet; her body drops to the floor with a thud. It wasn't real. It never is. No matter what those girls believe, when that dark and handsome stranger approaches them. No matter the words they hear; and I know quite a few. It's all lies. I know what  they want to hear, but in return they give me nothing. They don't fill they void, soothe the pain or silence the demons that taunt me every day, every night, for the rest of eternity.

A thought lights up the numbing darkness. A faint source in the distance. And since my mind is blissfully blank moments after the climax, I entertain this delusion and let my thoughts roam. They bring me back to that day in Atlanta. Usually a familiar place, nothing special about it. But this day was indeed special. She was there. And it gave this place a whole new meaning. What started out as some sort of revenge - I admit that much - turned into a pleasant memory I'll cherish for quite some time. Maybe forever. Despite my initial motive and the outcome of said day, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed myself. And I enjoyed her company. I didn't compel her, because I wanted to push her limits. She needed to let go of a few things and I know my brother would have never been able to cause that change of mind. I had no idea what this might turn into...

While I think of it, alone in my quiet room, not even another heartbeat next to mine, the voices hush for a moment. The void is no longer empty and all-consuming. The hunger... waits, listens, changes its direction. There is a hint of... a feeble light shining in the dark. Something. And it banishes the shadows, exposing a small part of what is not meant to be exposed. And what I see, feel, remember, it hurts. But for nothing in the world I want this glimmer of light to be gone. The longer I think of it, the further I reach inside to get a hold on it, trying to cling to it and draw it up to the surface, the more it hurts.

I shake my head no abstractedly. An unintended movement, causing the pillow beneath my head to rustle quietly. And in a flash the thought is gone. But not quite. It is still lingering in the back. Just the pain... is gone. Drawing a deep breath to focus back on what's real, I begin to wonder what this moment of weakness was about. She's my brother's girl, but that's not even the point. My intentions are clear and as soon as I'd get into that tomb I'd be gone. Screw my brother and his little human girlfriend. Even though, for a human she is quite alright. I could indeed find a few of Katherine's character traits in her. And even more. Maybe she isn't the worst company in the world. Maybe her compassion is indeed sincere and not just a sham to get information. Her joy in Atlanta seemed sincere to me. Fatigue is weighing down on me and my eyes fall shut. Maybe I start to understand this feeling. What we had in Atlanta was real. She wasn't compelled to enjoy herself and my company. All of it she did willingly. And for the first time this insatiable hunger abated. I felt almost at ease. Content. Something all the pleasurable, but compelled company never did. For one day I didn't feel alone.

~end of solo~

[deadmisanthrope]

#MisanthropeSolo - Forever (Mini-Solo)

Forever. People use it to describe a long time period. Usually exaggerated, like the time you spent to wait for something you're anticipating. Forever can be the time between two heartbeats, before she says yes. Forever can be the time you wait until she comes back home. But my forever isn't measurable. My forever goes on and on. Forever. My forever is on hold whenever she's around. And my forever will start ticking again, sooner or later. When her forever is over.

She says she'll stay with me forever, like she knew how it feels, what it means. Forever. But all I can think of is how I will spent forever without her by my side. Then I always tell myself, we still have time. We still have plenty of years to spend. Decades even. And I'll always be with her. I'll watch her living her life, achieving her goals and grow old. I'll watch her going through time, while I'm stuck in the moment.

I will be with her. And she will be with me. Always. But not forever.

[deadmisanthrope]

Damon's opinion.

[deadmisanthrope]

[deadmisanthrope]

Just a quick edit.

[deadmisanthrope]

Messages from beyond.

[deadmisanthrope]

[deadmisanthrope]

#MisanthropeSolo - Just a dream

I woke from a dream. It wasn’t a nightmare that made me wake in my own sweat, breathing heavily; her name still lingering on my lips and my heart filled with the pain of her being dragged away from me.

I felt calm when I opened my eyes to a bright morning, first reluctant rays of sunlight painted my room in a soft gold and continued the comforting atmosphere of the dream. This dream wasn’t about the horros of war that still haunted me from time to time. No memories of explosions, bullets and the smell of burnt flesh and gunpowder shook me last night. I fought to stay asleep, because I wasn’t ready to leave this place. The peace and comfort. No terrors from the past tained the experience of last night. Like it all never happened. Like none of it mattered. The heavy weight of it was gone. That’s how it feels when I’m around her…

And it was her I dreamt of. I must admit it wasn’t the first time that she appeared to me at night. But mostly she was a mere figure in a game my brother and me played for a very long time now. Last night was different. There wasn’t much happening; we just walked slowly down a street. And talked. She smiled and laughed occasionally and it made me smile in return. I kept my distance from her, and I had no intention to change that. We were having a good time. Two friends walking from one place to another. The sun slowly disappeared behind the horizon and it began to darken while we talked, but her mood didn’t change. What eventually made her uncomfortable were two men that emerged from the shadows and began to follow us, hoods pulled up so we couldn’t see their faces. She moved closer to my side, but kept walking. She must have said something and I turned my attention to her. But when I looked up again, I saw the two men flanking us, walking at our sides like they were part of our little stroll. I placed an arm around her shoulders and made her stop when I did; my eyes focused on the man at my side. He said something to me, I don’t remember his words. But I replied “The lady wants you to leave.” My voice was calm, I almost asked them nicely. And when it didn’t seem like they would do as they were told, I stepped closer, my face inches away from the other man’s. The thought of using compulsion never crossed my mind. Probably because I was with her and all this supernatural nonsense didn’t matter for a moment. It was just her and me. And I wanted to make it right. The old fashioned way. I wanted to be good for her. I raised my voice just a little to put more insistence into my tone and said again, slowly, with emphasis on every word. “The lady wants you to leave.”

I know I didn’t use compulsion. I know it. The two guys exchanged hasty looks and then quickly disappeared in the shadows again. She released a breath of relief and we continued our walk. It feld good. I did something right. And not using any vampire perks made it even better. I wrapped my arm around her again, but this time around her waist, and we walked like this for a while. At some point she didn’t laugh anymore. And even her smiles faded. She asked for a short rest on a bench and of course I agreed. She said she had to think of a few things and about herself. And I stayed quiet while I watched her struggling on the inside. It was strange. Like I wasn’t even there for a moment. She looked clearly in distress, said that she’s with my brother and can’t do this to him, but when she turned her attention back to me, she faked a smile, telling me we should go home, because it’s late. I got up and offered her a hand, but she only took it reluctantly. I placed one arm around her again as we walked. That’s when I noticed I was about to wake up. I clung to the dream and clung to her; my hold on her tightened and I rested my head against her. By now we weren’t walking anymore and I held her tightly in both arms.

There was still the same feeling of comfort and peace when I woke up. No fear, no sadness, no pain. Just a dream and her name still lingering on my lips.

Elena.