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historyhermann · 11 months

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Unicorn: Warriors Eternal Spoiler-Filled Review

Unicorn: Warriors Eternal is a mature supernatural fantasy comedy with steampunk elements. Genndy Tartakovsky, who is well-known in the animation industry, is the director and creator. He is best known for Dexter's Laboratory, Star Wars: Clone Wars, Sym-Bionic Titan, and Samurai Jack, and more recently, Primal. This piece was written during the 2023 WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes. Without the labor of the writers and actors currently on strike, Unicorn: Warriors Eternal, being reviewed here, wouldn't exist.

Reprinted from Pop Culture Maniacs and Wayback Machine. This was the forty-first article I wrote for Pop Culture Maniacs. This post was originally published on July 24, 2023.

This series has a simple plot: a group of heroes are inadvertently awakened by Copernicus, a steam-powered robot, in bodies of three teenagers (Emma, Alfie, and Dimitri), rather than in bodies of adults, like in the past. These heroes are opposed by a mysterious foxlike woman (voiced by Grey DeLisle), who embodies evil.

Unicorn: Warriors Eternal drew me in as a person who enjoyed watching Star Wars: Clone Wars as a kid (and have re-watched it various times), and liked Samurai Jack and Sym-Bionic Titan. Voice actors like Jacob Dudman (voice of Edred) who voiced two characters in Primal, and DeLisle, voice of the mysterious woman and the original Melinda, strengthen this series.

Delisle is well-known for her work in animation, including voicing characters in Invincible, Kid Cosmic, The Owl House, Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts, DC Super Hero Girls, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Elena of Avalor, Star Wars Rebels, The Legend of Korra, Young Justice, and My Life as a Teenage Robot. In contrast, Hazel Doupe, the voice of Emma in this series, is unique. This is her first voice role, as she has only done live-action series before.

I wasn't as familiar with Jeremy Crutchley, Demari Hunte, Alain Uly, Tom Milligan, Ron Bottita, or George Webster, the voices of Merlin, Alfie, Seng, Lord Edward Fairfax, and Winston in Unicorn: Warriors Eternal. I say this even though Crutchley voiced Glad-One and One in Infinity Train, and Uly as Lieutenant Maylur and two stormtroopers in Star Wars: The Bad Batch.

Others, such as Hunte, Milligan, Bottita, Webster, appear to be new to voice work. Rosalind Ayres (voice of Lord Katherine Fairfax) previously voiced characters in video games while Robbie Daymond (voice of various one-off characters) lent his voice to the notorious Curious Cat in Volume 9 of RWBY! He voiced Jesse in Infinity Train season 2, Raymond in OK K.O. Let's Be Heroes!, and many other English dubs of anime characters.

The steampunk setting in Victorian London, in 1890, in this series, reminded me of Steamland in Disenchantment, the upper city in Arcane, or the similarly steampunk action anime, Princess Principal, which spawned a multi-part film series. The steampunk genre has even reached into indie animation and comics. It includes films like Snowpiercer, Atlantis: The Lost Empire, and Howl's Moving Castle, along with animated series like Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water and The Legend of Korra. I am even reminded of an unaired 2001 pilot for Constant Payne, by Indigenous writer Micah Wright. It has a strong steampunk aesthetic.

Unicorn: Warriors Eternal is different than all of those previously mentioned. It is unique in its own way. Just as Samurai Jack was set in the future, with magic, robots, lasers, and the like, this series is set in an alternate world. Unlikely the haphazard and strange inclusion of futuristic technology in the far-too-short Yasuke, this series is much more complete. It draws inspiration from works by animators Max Fleischer and Osamu Tezuka, films by Hayao Miyazaki (like Howl's Moving Castle) and other steampunk aesthetics.

The show's character designer, Stephen DeStefano, worked on Sym-Bionic Titan, Primal, and other projects, with Tartakovsky. He pushed, as did Tartakovsky, to ensure the series had an "old aesthetic" but was told "in a very contemporary way". The studio producing the series, Cartoon Network Studios, has produced many of Tartakovsky's previous projects. Some of the same animators who worked on his previous projects may be working on this series.

These animators could not do their work without the writers. If a recently circulated spreadsheet is representative of Cartoon Network Studios as a whole, it would mean that, for animators, there is repetitive work, little opportunity for advancement, sterile environment due to the Warner-Discovery merger, disorganization, burnout, and overwork. There are two primary show writers: Darrick Bachman and Tartakovsky. While the latter is more well-known, the former is not, despite his work on Primal, Samurai Jack, Regular Show, Star Wars: Clone Wars, and many animated series, some of which he worked on with Tartakovsky.

If Glassdoor is accurate, each of these writers makes somewhere between $46,000 to $83,000 a year. I would guess that Tartakovsky is paid more than Bachman. In any case, the conditions the writers work in influences whether a show is "high-quality" or "low-quality". High Guardian Spice was said to be the latter, until it was revealed that the working conditions at Crunchyroll were horrendous. This does not appear to be the case for Cartoon Network Studios. The recent closure of the iconic studio's headquarters, with employees told to move to a sterile, lifeless Warner Bros. building instead, it does not bode well.

Even some predicted that under David Zaslav, it is difficult to "imagine a future in which the studio’s original animation output can match what it has been in the past," with a strong shit to reboots rather than original series. However, if the writers, and actors, are successful in their strike, these conditions may change for the better. On the other hand, the studios are doing all they can to burn down motivation of actors and writers, while stockpiling completed works and scripts before the strikes began.

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Coming back to the series, Unicorn: Warriors Eternal is a relatable coming-of-age story. The protagonist, Emma (who can transform into Melinda) is struggling to determine whether she is "Emma" or "Melinda". She loses control of her powers after any emotional outburst she has. Having one's powers tied to their emotions is not new. In the last half of Elena of Avalor's final season, the protagonist, Elena Castillo Flores, had to wrestle with the fact that her magical abilities were tied to her emotional moods. The same was the case for Steven Universe in the series of the same name, and in Steven Universe Future.

For Emma/Melinda, her anger and fury seem to be how she expresses her power, in a super saiyan esque transformation. While this expression of raw power can be effective in defeating enemies, it doesn't prevent her from hurting people, unintentionally, in the process. For instance, in the second episode, she uses this power to defeat a huge magically possessed elephant. However, her fiancé Winston is badly hurt in the process and the surrounding area is nearly obliterated.

The use of her abilities in Unicorn: Warriors Eternal are complicated by her relationship with Edred, a warrior elf. He reincarnates in the body of a wanna-be magician named Dimitri. After Copernicus resurrects him, he rushes over to Emma/Melinda, and kisses her. While he has memories of their relationship, Melinda-as-Emma does not. Making matters worse, she still has some romantic feelings for Winston, who wants to "rescue" her from her "new" form.

This contrasts with Edred. He can effectively fight with a sword in manner which almost seems reminiscent of the sword-wielders in anime or those in Western animations like Amphibia, She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, and Steven Universe. Like all Tartakovsky productions, Edred has his own specific style. Every character is stylized in their own way. This is thanks to the aforementioned character designer, DeStefano, and work by many others at Cartoon Network Studios. The same is the case for their battle moves and attacks. It sets the series apart from others with similar themes.

The team of Emma/Melinda, a cosmic monk named Seng (in the body of a young Black ruffian named Alfie), Copernicus, and Edred, make an interesting combination. Each has personal issues they must overcome. Seng cannot fully comprehend the cosmic plane as a young child. Edred has a "clouded" mind despite having a largely intact memory and retains his power. Emma/Melinda has an identity crisis. She even tells Winston, at one point, that she isn't Emma anymore and that the Emma he knew is dead. This is a cold, hard truth which is hard for him to accept.

The complications in each character's lives make it an increasing challenge for these heroes, whose souls are tasked with protecting the world throughout eternity. With the scrambled memories, especially of Emma/Melinda, and the fact that only Edred remembers the most about their role in fighting evil, it makes the story that much more intriguing. The secretive villain is almost as devious as Shadowy Figure in O.K. KO!, but shares more characteristics with Kilgore in Justice League x RWBY: Super Heroes and Huntsmen, Part 1. He aimed to change the Justice League into teenagers, so they are "vulnerable", are ripped apart by the world, and have to deal with emotions they ignore or regress as adults.

There is one major difference. The villain in Unicorn: Warriors Eternal never intended on awakening the Order of the Unicorn (Melinda, Seng, Edred, and Copernicus). Instead, she wanted to destroy Copernicus so the order would cease to exist. The villain exploits the situation for her own ends. She hopes that these heroes will be resurrected one final time. The heroes will do anything they can to stop this evil, with Edred declaring that the villain will "not succeed".

In future seasons, Melinda's insecurities may be exploited just as Invictus did with Ash Graven in Final Space. If so, she may turn against her friends. It is hard to say whether the series villain will be as devious as Aku, who had built an entire empire and dedicated many of his resources to track down Samurai Jack.

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By the show's third episode, there is a clear focus on discrimination, specifically how humans will "other" that which they don't understand. The response of the British police and Scotland Yard to a theft of priceless artifacts bound for the British Museum is to arrest anyone engaged in "magic" in London. There are mass arrests of soothsayers, fortune tellers, and anyone else on Mystic Row.

To make matters worse, they put up a Wanted poster for Emma/Melinda. Even when two spiritualists, Clarice Leydoux and Lao Xi Sheng, tell the police detective the reality, he doesn't believe them. Clearly, the police in this series, including Inspector General Hastings (voiced by Gildart Jackson), do not know how to deal with the situation at hand. People such as Agatha (voiced by Rosalind Ayres), another royal official, try and put in place more order.

Through it all, Emma/Melinda tries to figure out herself. She isn't sure of her connection with Winston, who she inadvertently injured. She even goes to a seance which separated her two identities, making her question whether she wants to be a hero or not. As a result, she declares that she hates the other part of herself. Her father even realizes that she is different, remarking "that is not our daughter". Winston remains in pursuit, even when he clashes with Edred on who "truly" loves her.

After the first two episodes, the series explored the insecurities of Seng. The villains cause him to be swallowed by a cosmic fox. The latter, known as a Lady Fox, attacks them. An amazingly animated chase scene on the rooftops follows, reminding me of similar scenes in Star Wars: The Clone Wars and Samurai Jack. In the fourth episode, this is more apparent. Seng is unable to use his powers while he is trapped on an abandoned ship with other Unicorn team members. He even starts to become translucent! Although they escape this predicament, it could foreshadow more trouble for Seng in the future.

As Emma/Melinda learns more about the story of her Melinda side, with the child version of original Melinda voiced by Marley Cherry Hilbourne. She learns that her mother, Morgan Le Fay (voiced by Peta Johnson), was terribly injured, thanks to her. It is revealed that Merlin (voiced by Jeremy Crutchley) is her father. The conflict between the two halves of herself remains an important part of the story. This is especially the case when they all fight a big squid threatening to destroy the town. Her attempts at reconciliation do not go well, even though she is making some progress by the seventh episode.

At the end of the fifth episode, Unicorn: Warriors Eternal takes a bold step: it appears to kill off one of its protagonists, Copernicus. This is comparable to a similar "loss" of Octus in Sym-Bionic Titan. While Emma/Melinda is most distraught, she works together with Edred to find someone to repair Copernicus. They find an inventor named Otto (voiced by Jason O'Mara), thanks to a robot named Dashwood (voiced by Chris Butler). He works on a huge floating airship, which functions like a space station.

He remarks that Copernicus is like a robot he hasn't created yet, but he says it feels familiar. Copernicus cannot fully come back until his magical power is restored. He is a futuristic magical being. The power from an ancient magical stone is used by Merlin. He brings Copernicus back to life. Even so, this sequence implies that Copernicus can die, in certain instances.

The seventh episode of Unicorn: Warriors Eternal is a rollercoaster ride. It is revealed that Edred left his bride-to-be, in an arranged marriage meant to unite two clans, to be with Melinda. At the same time, it is further implied that Emma/Melinda somewhat remembers this. The quest to get the necessary magical power, the presence of Merlin, and restoration of balance, causes Edred's brother, Aelwulf (voiced by Jack Bandeira), to regain respect for him.

At the end of the seventh episode, the Unicorn team learns that they still have evil to fight, and that their time in this world has not ended. It is implied that Merlin will help they stop it. The eighth episode throws this into question. Out of nowhere, Merlin appears and tells them to come "quickly" to battle an evil machine killing the land. While they meet the mighty tiger Rakshasa (voiced by Sunkrish Bala), Merlin attacks Emma/Melinda, surprising them all.

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The last three episodes of Unicorn: Warriors Eternal lay bare tensions between the group members. This is clear with the addition of a new member, Winston, who can become a werewolf. Predictably, Edred objects, as Winston has feelings for Emma/Melinda. All the while there is the fight against evil, which exudes dark magic.

This reaches a critical point in the ninth episode when the evil leaves Merlin and enters the cosmic realm. They meet an older Seng who has been fighting it for over 20 years, with no success. It is said that if the evil devours everything, the world will end. Merlin and Rakshasa remain optimistic until Emma and Melinda are split apart.

I wish Unicorn: Warriors Eternal had been longer. By the eighth episode, it appears that Melinda is coming to peace with the part of her who is Emma, and vice versa. This seemed too quick. Her struggle with her identity could have stretched across an entire season of 20 to 26 episodes. Take Cassandra in Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure, for example. She is mentally manipulated by Zhan Tri. Even so, she tries to figure out her identity and how she feels about Rapunzel. Like that series, which ended with a bang, this series is burdened by compulsory heterosexuality. Tangled differs by featuring well-recognized gay vibes between Rapunzel and Cassandra, shipped by fans as "Cassunzel".

Much of the internal struggle that Emma/Melinda experiences is couched by a love triangle. Emma loves Winston, while Melinda loves Edred. However, Edred hates Winston and vice versa. Due to the propensity of male characters in this series, there isn't any character, female, non-binary, or otherwise, written for Emma/Melinda that would allow her to have a queer romance.

Even so, the struggle of Emma to reunite with Melinda, resulting in defiance of her by-the-book parents, is promising. Considering this series is set in the 1890s, it is no shock that Emma's parents try to hold her back. They think she is out of her mind and want to bring her to a doctor, who will commit her to an asylum. Her actions, including drawing on equations on the walls of the bathroom, akin to the oft-memed scene from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia in which Pepe Silvia goes on a conspiratorial rant, don't help her case. In her defense, she is desperate and wants to get back to the cosmic realm at any cost.

This episode goes off the rails when two huge men try to capture Emma and bring her to "the doctor". What follows is an intense chase scene in which Emma has many near-death experiences, and barely escapes those trying to get her, even riding a steam-powered tram to Mystics Row. Two mystic warriors (Clarice Leydoux and Lao Xi Sheng) offer to help her. With their assistance, she uses the Heart of the Forest to get to the cosmic realm.

The Unicorn: Warriors Eternal finale concludes strongly. Emma inspires everyone, reuniting with Melinda, and convinces them to combine their powers into one. They strike a decisive blow against evil forces. This is blunted by the surprising revelation: Morgan is trapped in the heart of the evil beast! At the end of the episode, the protagonists find themselves in a bizarre world in which "the evil" has changed everything. Emma/Melinda gets the last word, noting their determination to save Morgan and defeat the evil being no matter what.

The ending is not definitive, but is open-ended. The central conflict rings true, especially if seen as a metaphorical extension of Genndy Tartakovsky as a Jewish immigrant who faced pressure to support his mother and live up to the myth of a "model minority". A possible second, or even third, and fourth season, could expand upon these characters and their struggles. Possibly, the series may go an Infinity Train route, having different characters for each season.

I hope that any possible future seasons of Unicorn: Warriors Eternal would increase diversity of the cast. Surely, there are talented voice actors like a Black men Demari Hunte (voice of Seng) and Victor Alli (voice of Adult Seng). They are joined by a Filipino man, Alain Uy (voice of Lao Xi Sheng), an American actor of Tamil descent, Sunkrish Bala (voice of Rakshasa), and a British actor of Iraqi, Lebanese, and Indian descent, Brian George (voice of Darvish).

From the available lists of the cast members, I'm not seeing much diversity beyond the aforementioned individuals. A quick read of the cast list for Primal, indicates that the series has a much more diverse cast than this series! Perhaps, this is just reflecting the fact that historically, London was ethnically homogeneous, composed primarily of White British residents, until after World War II. By 1891, over 5.6 million were living in Greater London, a number which would grow in later years.

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Cartoon Network Studios president, Sam Register, is an executive producer, and Shareena Carlson is supervising director. Unicorn: Warriors Eternal is expertly animated thanks to Studio La Cachette in France and Studio Zmei in Bulgaria. Cartoon Network Studios is the aforementioned production company. This is reinforced by the show's music, composed by Tyler Bates and Joan Higginbottom. It is effective, connecting the action with the story. It makes you excited to watch each episode, and become more invested in the characters.

None of this is much of a surprise. Bates is a well-known producer, composer, and musician, primarily of action and horror media, including the John Wick franchise. He was probably chosen because he composed the music scores of Sym-Bionic Titan, the fifth (and final) season of Samurai Jack, and Primal.

Similarly, Higginbottom was a composer on the same season of Samurai Jack, Primal, and John Wick Chapter 4. Tara Billinger, known as the creator of Long Gone Gulch and a storyboarder, did production work on the series as well. The animators either worked on French productions not known in the U.S., or series such as Love, Death & Robots, and Primal. Even Tartakovsky did some storyboarding. The animation, background art, and set pieces are strong in this series.

Unicorn: Warriors Eternal may have been a passion project for Tartakovsky. However, it is incorrect that the plot is "humdrum". Furthermore, Emma/Melinda is not a "poorly written" character, nor does she have a "pat dilemma" or lack emotional complexity. Her struggles are at the series' center. On the other hand, this series, like Dexter's Laboratory, Samurai Jack, Star Wars: Clone Wars, Sym-Bionic Titan, and Primal, is male-centered. In fact, Emma/Melinda is the only female protagonist.

The series has "urgent stakes" and the characters are intriguing. This accompanies amazing mythologies and some worldbuilding. It could be better, but it is not missing "the magic of Tartakovsky". Instead, this series is unique and different from other Tartakovsky series in the past. Surely, I'd love to have queer characters and even have a love triangle akin to the one between Hazumu Osaragi, Yasuna Kamiizumi, and Tomari Kurusu in Kashimashi: Girl Meets Girl. Unfortunately, this series did not go that direction, instead having male-female couples, without any one-way crushes.

Overall, despite my criticisms, Unicorn: Warriors Eternal is an enjoyable series and I'd recommend it. I can hope that it improved to become even better, breaking out of the good-evil dichotomy, and other common tropes used in Tartakovsky's work.

Unicorn: Warriors Eternal can be watched on Adult Swim or streamed on Max, DirectTV, and Spectrum. It can be purchased through Prime Video, Google Play, Vudu, or Microsoft Store.

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junker-town · 5 years

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6 winners and 5 losers from the Odell Beckham Jr. trade

Congrats, Baker Mayfield. Take a bow, Jay Glazer. Free Saquon Barkley.

The Giants and Browns shocked the NFL world by agreeing to a trade of superstar receiver Odell Beckham Jr. The Browns sent back their 2019 first-round pick (No. 17 overall), one of their 2019 third-round picks, and safety Jabrill Peppers to the Giants.

Like any deal, there are parties involved that go beyond the individual pieces in the trade itself. Here are the winners and losers from the mega deal between the Giants and the Browns.

Winner: Baker Mayfield

Baker Mayfield has to be the biggest winner from this trade. The Browns quarterback was sensational as a rookie, throwing for 27 touchdowns to 14 interceptions in 14 games last season. He went from uneven first-year signal caller to legitimate offensive rookie of the year candidate after putting up massive numbers following Hue Jackson’s firing and Freddie Kitchens’ promotion to interim offensive coordinator.

Now, Kitchens is the club’s full-time head coach, and Mayfield gets one of the top receivers in the game to play with — and he already had Jarvis Landry, David Njoku, Antonio Callaway, Rashard Higgins, Duke Johnson, and Nick Chubb. There is a ton of playmaking talent and from the looks of it, they’ll have the right guy throwing him the ball.

Judging by his reaction to the trade, Mayfield is understandably pumped too:

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Baker Mayfield (@bakermayfield) on Mar 12, 2019 at 5:08pm PDT

Winner: Odell Beckham Jr.

Beckham doesn’t have to play with an aging Eli Manning anymore. To remind you how bad it’s gotten, just watch this throw from their Monday night game against the 49ers last season.

This was atrocious pic.twitter.com/jirrDrjtSD

— dean (@DeanlsReal) March 12, 2019

Beckham finished his 2018 season with a perfect passer rating after completing both of his gadget play passes for touchdowns. Manning had a rebound season that stands as his statistical best since 2015 — and he still had only the league’s 21st-best passer rating. That was enough for Beckham to publicly (and tamely) call out his quarterback last October in an ESPN interview with Josina Anderson.

Manning just turned 38 years old. Unless he gets on the TB12 plan, this situation isn’t going to get much better for him.

Loser: Saquon Barkley

Poor Saquon Barkley. Now that Beckham is headed to Cleveland, Barkley becomes the clear-cut No. 1 weapon for the Giants’ offense. There won’t be any big-time receiving threat to scare defenses from loading up the box, unless Sterling Shepard has an extreme breakout season in 2019.

Barkley had 352 total touches on offense in his rookie season. He did turn that into 2,028 total yards, 15 touchdowns, and the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year Award, but that was when he has sharing the field with Beckham for 12 games.

Now Barkley will be dealing with a depleted passing game while becoming a bigger piece of the offense. There’s no reason to think why he wont approach 400 total touches next season.

In the words of the great Steve Smith: “Ice up, son.”

Winner: Jarvis Landry

Jarvis Landry and Beckham have been friends for years, dating back to before they took the field together at LSU from 2011-13.

In high school, Odell Beckham Jr. told Jarvis Landry: “I want to be on the same team as you, I want to do some legendary things.” Now they’re teammates on the Browns! ( : @God_Son80) pic.twitter.com/KCdvZgadW8

— SB Nation (@SBNation) March 13, 2019

Beckham and Landry are reunited again now in Cleveland, where they’ll hope to pick up where they left off from their time in Baton Rouge — a reunion Landry’s been publicly hoping for for nearly a year.

Come to the @Browns reunite me with my brother @OBJ_3 #13 #80 https://t.co/EW4oJEkqgF

— Jarvis Juice Landry (@God_Son80) March 26, 2018

The move also reunites the playmaking, do-it-all duo with wide receivers coach Adam Henry, who served in that role with LSU from 2012 to 2014 and has been the Browns’ positional coach since 2018.

This will be the best situation that Landry has played in since he joined the NFL. He has bonafide No. 1 receiving option across from him for the first time and saw the upside that Mayfield can bring during the back half of last season.

Loser: Eli Manning

The good news for Manning: He’s got the starting job with the Giants and $23.2 million coming in 2019.

The bad news:

Giants wide receivers: 1. Sterling Shepard 2. Corey Coleman 3. Quadree Henderson 4. Jawill Davis 5. Alonzo Russell 6. Brittan Golden

— Mike Clay (@MikeClayNFL) March 13, 2019

The Giants are probably going to add some more weapons before the season starts. But it’s gonna be bad.

Loser: Whatever poor quarterback comes after Eli Manning

It’ll be interesting to see how the Giants handle having two first-round picks in the upcoming NFL Draft. Will they draft their future quarterback this year, or add two players that secure a foundation for a quarterback in the 2020 draft?

Either way, the Giants will have to add a successor at quarterback to eventually replace Manning. Playing with Beckham and Barkley would’ve made life easier for any young quarterback, but now Beckham is gone.

New York does have some pieces outside of Barkley in receiver Sterling Shepard, tight end Evan Engram, left guard Will Hernandez, and the recently acquired right guard Kevin Zeitler. But they don’t quite pack the same punch that Beckham did.

Winner: John Dorsey

In his time as general manager, John Dorsey has turned the Browns into a legitimate AFC contender. He’s ferociously attacking the window that Cleveland has with its rookie quarterback by trading for guys like Beckham and Olivier Vernon.

Now, the Browns arguably have the best roster in the AFC North and are poised to make a deep run into the playoffs. That’s not a bad turnaround for a team that was 0-16 in 2017 and 1-15 in 2016.

Browns safety Damarious Randall might’ve called it all along. A couple weeks ago, he tweeted:

John Dorsey lowkey a genius...

— Damarious Randall (@RandallTime) March 5, 2019

After the Beckham trade, he followed it up with:

John Dorsey is officially a genius...

— Damarious Randall (@RandallTime) March 13, 2019

Have to throw some love to Sashi Brown, too. He kind of set up the assets for all of this talent infusion to be possible.

Hats off to Dorsey. But Sashi deserves credit for originally acquiring assets Dorsey deployed to get OBJ, Denzel Ward, Nick Chubb and Demarious Randall. Also left him with Garrett, Ogunjobi, Njoku and Tretter https://t.co/MtYx6eNr6R

— Kevin Cole (@Cole_Kev) March 13, 2019

Loser: David Gettleman

When Gettleman was fired by the Panthers in July 2017, it was abrupt, surprising, and probably not undeserved. He’d already run Steve Smith, DeAngelo Williams, and Josh Norman out of town, and the Panthers fired him before he could screw up contract negotiations with Thomas Davis and Greg Olsen.

Sound familiar, Giants?

Just a couple months ago, he promised Beckham wasn’t going anywhere.

Gettleman: We didn’t sign Odell to trade him.

— New York Giants (@Giants) January 2, 2019

Before trading away Beckham, he shipped off Vernon to the Browns too. Meanwhile, New York is still going to be on the hook for a significant amount of both players’ paychecks.

As of now, Odell Beckham Jr. and Olivier Vernon are scheduled to count $32.5 million against the #Browns' salary cap in 2019, and $24 million against the #Giants' salary cap.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero) March 13, 2019

On top of those two trades, the Giants allowed Landon Collins — their best defensive player — to walk in free agency.

And just like that, Gettleman scrubbed three of the best players from the roster for reasons that are hard to explain. Do the Giants actually have a plan? Because it sure doesn’t look like it.

If only the Giants had listened ...

I tried to tell u @Giants fans Dave was your problem but u laughed and called me bitter! Well welcome to the salt wagon jump on and let’s ride together lol

— DeAngelo Williams (@DeAngeloRB) March 13, 2019

Mean while dg in Gotham right Now.. pic.twitter.com/ROYhW8QA5G

— *Joshua R. Norman (@J_No24) March 13, 2019

Winner: the goddang Browns

Here are the Cliffs Notes for Cleveland’s offseason so far:

traded for Olivier Vernon

signed Sheldon Richardson

signed Kareem Hunt, which in a vacuum is a good, soulless move they absolutely did not need to make.

traded for Odell Beckham Jr.

Sure, Jabrill Peppers might turn into something special and losing a first-round pick hurts, but the Browns are cashing in their assets for veteran contributors and now, on paper, look like a real threat to win the AFC North. Mayfield is surrounded by weapons. The pass rush is going to be powerful inside and out. Every other team in the division is having issues:

The New AFC North@Browns - Added Odell Beckham, Olivier Vernon, Kareem Hunt & Sheldon Richardson@Ravens - Lost C.J. Mosley, Za’Darius Smith, John Brown, Terrell Suggs & Eric Weddle@Steelers - Lost Antonio Brown & Le’Veon Bell@Bengals - Re-signed Bobby Hart & C.J Uzomah

— NFL Research (@NFLResearch) March 13, 2019

Ever since the beer fridges unlocked in Cleveland last fall, it’s better getting better and better to be a Browns fan.

Loser: Breshad Perriman

Breshad Perriman verbally agreed to a one-year, $4 million deal with the Browns on Tuesday before the Beckham trade broke. That didn’t last long:

After trade for Odell Beckham Jr., Browns’ GM John Dorsey and agent Drew Rosenhaus mutually agreed to not to follow through on verbal agreement with WR Breshad Perriman, per @mortreport and me. Perriman now will sign a one-year, $4 million deal with Tampa Bay, per source.

— Adam Schefter (@AdamSchefter) March 13, 2019

Beckham’s presence blocked Perriman’s potential ascension to a starting role — though he only started two of his 10 games with the club. Rather than take on a supporting role, the fifth-year pro — who has career totals of 59 catches on 126 targets for 916 yards — will try to fulfill his potential with the Bucs.

He’ll get the chance to fill DeSean Jackson’s vacated role in Tampa, but will that really be better than seeing absolutely zero double teams as the Browns’ third wideout option behind Landry and Beckham? Perriman could have shined in limited snaps and put together the kind of season that makes Washington throw a four-year, $40 million contract his way. Instead he’ll take his chances with Jameis Winston.

Winner: Jay Glazer

A month ago, The Athletic’s Glazer made a self-described “bold prediction” when he told his readers that he thought Beckham would be traded this offseason. Then everyone lost their damn minds so much that Glazer tweeted this poetically profane message to his, as Shakespeare would scribe, haterz:

For all you fucksticks who spewed shit at me, my kid, my mom, my mom’s kid, my kid’s mom, my head size, body size, intelligence, my mom’s intelligence all because I made a prediction about your team today save your ridiculous fuckin insults for shit that matters in life.

— Jay Glazer (@JayGlazer) February 14, 2019

Who’s laughing now, fucksticks?

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