#Doing this is a testament that the ADHD meds are working.

[sillybillycanadian]

TW: depression, sui ideation, the big sad, etc etc

I hate schoolwork. It’s petty, it’s silly, it’s beneath me, but I am so fed up with it. I am 20 years old and I haven’t graduated high school. There are so many good messages on here about not needing to meet any artificial timetable. That we can do things in our own time. But holy crap guys I’ve been stagnating for so long. I’ve been fighting an uphill battle with this part of high school for three years now.

I started homeschooling halfway through Grade 10. I have self-guided courses that I can do on my own time which still earn me credits to go towards my high school diploma. When I started, I was working at a pace that (if maintained) would have let me graduate a year early. I was masking ADHD, anxiety, and depression so all of that slowly leaked out. I was procrastinating, oversleeping some days then under-sleeping others. I developed an unhealthy habit of eating when I felt bored and like I needed a distraction. Some life things happened like my mom getting cancer (she’s alive and well, but her neutral state of “healthy” will never be the same) and my dad kicking out the three of us (mom, brother, and me) for a while because my dad and brother had a fight.

Those nights were the closest I got to killing myself. We had nothing but the clothes on our backs and some cash we were able to use for a hotel. He did this to his immunocompromised wife during the height of the pandemic. He didn’t care. Even when we were let back in the house (because we threatened to involve the police) he didn’t speak to us for days. I was hardly eating. A family friend talked to all of us over Zoom and referred to my dad’s doings as a “hiccup”. I want to be a forgiving person. I like to think that everyone deserves a second chance. But I can’t say honestly that I’ve forgiven my father. I don’t think I’ve even forgiven the family friend for calling it a “hiccup”. He probably didn’t even know the whole situation, but it stung so bad. And I hugged my father that day. As if it was fine. As if he doesn’t still scare me and I lose the air in my lungs when he stands behind me.

Ever since then my life has been derailed. In the summer of 2020 I started treatment for depression and anxiety. The summer I should have graduated. Some time in 2021 I was diagnosed with ADHD twice because the first person to do it never kept proper records and then left the hospital she was working at. So it was as if my diagnosis never happened. So 6 months after the first time, the second diagnosis finally happened. I’m on medication for it now. I thought it was helping, but I’ve been so useless again for months now and with no changes in meds to explain it. I also might have undiagnosed autism, which really stings because I was neglected when I was younger and the excuse was that my brother needed the attention since he’s autistic. Anyway. I don’t have the energy to shower regularly. I hate needing to make food for myself. I literally have two courses left then I’m done high school for good. 5 basic-ass assignments then it’s over. But instead I watch YouTube and try to make stupid music on my laptop to get a tiny hit of dopamine. I search “help” and sort by latest on Tumblr to see if there is anyone I can comfort or cheer up. Is it actually altruism? Or am I just so starved for attention and validation and companionship that I try to please anyone I can? Do I try to help others because I may as well since I’m the only person I can’t come through for?

With all of this, I have friends who are pressuring me to move out very very quickly. They know how much living at home is making me hurt and ache so I know they’re coming from a good place. But I can hardly take care of my own health and hygiene, how they hell do they expect I can take care of a home and hold a job?

That’s why I don’t just hate schoolwork. I definitely do, but that’s not all of it. I hate schoolwork because it’s a testament to just how stuck I am in life. In this one place. Writing a few sentences to an essay each day if I’m lucky. I hate it. I just hate it so much.

One of those friends. We like each other. So so much. We want a future together. Her and I. But she is one of the ones trying to rush me. I know we both want me to be in a good place before starting a relationship. But she also doesn’t want to be in limbo forever while I work out my issues. So it’s like an ultimatum. At this rate I need to move out in the next month or two or I’m gonna lose her for good, it seems. That’s as far as one of our mutual friends of the group knows. So now I have another point of pressure to get my act together before things crash and burn even more. But it had the opposite effect because I feel lost and stuck and like I can’t do anything.

This is just to vent. Cause idk what else to do than rant and maybe just maybe I’ll stop being a piece of trash. God. I hate myself so much rn. I’m such a stupid worthless prick. Dammit.

[cipher26]

this is truly a tmi but i have no friends to talk to about this stuff so here i am, yet again.

hooked up with a guy from tinder tonight. first time having sex. i'm quite proud of myself for going through with it instead of chickening out. i'm also quite surprised at how not nervous i was, which is either testament to my maturity and Growth™️, or a result of the anxiety meds which must be working wonders, absolutely top quality product right there. 10/10

it was also interesting that like...not only was i not nervous and less awkward than normal, but it didn't feel like...shocking? idk i lost the word i wanted, but like touching someone and having them touch me just felt normal. it wasn't weird or embarrassing or whatever, which again...testament to the cocktail of drugs im on lmao. but anyway, idk. i'm a pretty lowkey person to begin with, but it is hard to tell how you'll react to certain situations until you're there.

anyway it was great actually. i mean the guy was fine, attractive but also kinda basic like... the "do we really need a condom?" kind of basic which was almost funny. textbook "high school peer pressuring boy from the examples in sex ed class" kind of basic. it def wasn't romantic in any way, which is probably better for me at this moment. also it didn't last very long lol, and i didn't cum. not surprising but i did have some hope. thank goodness for the toys i have at home. and then i just left.

i'm sure most people would be shocked or appalled that my first time wasn't "special" or whatever (i didn't tell him i was a virgin, i told him "it's been a long time" cause i'm not gonna date the guy and didn't want to deal with that drama, and also i've used toys so it wasn't my first rodeo in a lot of ways).

but the thing is, most of the moments in my life that were supposed to be special, these milestones people romantacize, they were never that special for me. in fact i missed out on most of those life events entirely, for reasons. so this was really on brand for my life i guess. i'm just glad it was on my terms.

oh also it was truly just a quick fuck, there was no kissing involved, which is even funnier when you think about it cause i've never been kissed cause no one cares about me. lmao. my life is so ass backwards i can only laugh about it at this point.

i will say, it was an amazing confidence boost though. physically i'm in the worst shape i've ever been in, and have been convinced my whole life that no one could possibly find me attractive. but he did. i actually felt sexy. and suddenly i don't feel so... different i guess. idk i'm not saying the words right, but you know what i mean she says to the ether. i genuinely think the adhd meds have also helped, because i've been taking care of myself more lately, in some ways anyway. definitely not with eating food... so i think that helped me have enough confidence to even go for it in the first place. i almost didn't out of habit, but then i was like "bitch you are on this app for literally one reason..."

and also i walked into a bodega and bought condoms and didn't feel weird or embarrassed about that either...

honestly i have been wondering if these meds have maybe numbed my personality a bit, cause there are a lot of things going wrong in my life right now and yet i don't feel the familiar ache and coldness of the depression. but maybe this is how normal people function all the time, and i'm not being numbed i'm just feeling what normal people feelings are supposed to feel like for the first time ever, lmfao. i need a focus group of neurotypicals to compare notes with. "so these barely there feelings is how you experience life all the time? it's not an extreme rollercoaster of emotion? weird." lol.

anyway that's enough of that. i did jokingly say to myself earlier "you should lose your virginty before you have to move back in with family in a month, and for the forseeable future" and i didn't think it would actually happen but then it did lol. high five to myself.

anyway if you're still reading this for whatever reason, and you relate to my anxiety/depression/adhd fun factory combo, and you haven't talked to a doctor about trying meds to help manage, i highly recommend you do. i was so against it for so long, and it took me many years to admit that i needed help. and not just that, but that i WANTED help because i was so tired of struggling every day. but it has been such a relief. it's taken over a year of trying and adjusting meds (and convincing the doc that i definitely have adhd) to get to this point, but it's been so worth it. i feel like i'm finally getting to a place where im actually able to live my life, aside from the I'm Broke factor, and i know for a fact i would be a mess without the antidepressants because i'm literally in the middle of losing everything i've worked for for the past 15+ years, including my home, literally, and yet im able to get out of bed and exist and even laugh! that absolutely would not have been the case 2 years ago. so if you need help, please don't be afraid to ask for it. it's so worth it.

strange moral lesson to end this post with but.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[gciltyascharged]

One thing I need to remind people of about my portrayal is that Mitch does struggle with ADHD Inattentive Type (ADD for a more familiar term). 

Some people laugh at this term, but it’s...actually kind of scary as someone who has it. I mean, when I’m driving my car, I have to make sure my eyes don’t just hyperfixate on the road, because then my foot might press on the gas too much and I’ll be speeding. If I look at anything in my car, I have to immediately shoot back up out of fear I might linger just a little too long. Sometimes...I get so lost in thought, I actually don’t realize that hours have passed me by.

I went over this before on my blog, but I just wanna refresh about it since I’m someone who also has it. What this means is that Mitch will have spurts of anger caused by his inability to focus, which can be when he’s concentrating on a thought, project, or really anything in particular (thus why he told Clementine he needed time ALONE to think and when he’d grow annoyed when she kept trying to interact with him ; in one instance, he shot at her with a quip about not having all the time in the world to play scientist to figure out the bomb, which is something that is pretty harsh on someone with this disorder ; as I actually have a paper that I can show to my college to say: hey, I have this and will sometimes require more time to work on things), and let’s not forget that when you can’t focus or something feels out of whack, it can cause your mouth to act before your mind can tell you to shut up (aka foot in mouth). 

There are so many aspects OF Mitch that I saw in how I used to behave prior to my medication, too: when you first see him, he appears so easygoing and relaxed ; however, when shit hits the fan, you realize that, oh, right, he’s not just some chill kid in the background. When the outbursts started, there’s the struggle of getting that motor mouth to stop, and you end up saying way more than you needed -- and way more than you should have in the first place.

Anyway, a reason that my portrayal has this is because I used to have extreme spurts of irritation and irrational anger caused by a mixture of my anxiety disorder and my ADHD. This is, once more, caused by a struggle to focus. When stressed and trying to focus, you will have these moments where you spout out things you don’t mean, which is something Mitch was often shown to do (ie: if AJ shows remorse, he bows his head pensively ; when Clem doesn’t step in about Ms. Martin and Ruby walks out, he starts sputtering over what he’d just spat ; when he snaps at Clementine during the bomb testing when she tries to motivate him with the KEEP TRYING prompt, he immediately steps back). It’s frustrating at both yourself and from the perspective of the people who you make these irrational statements toward, because you were a dick and they have to suffer the feelings you just threw on them (warranted or not, sometimes there are way better methods than firing off at the first chance you get) ; it’s why getting help can be such an amazing thing and why having medication can be the best way to help (now, this isn’t to say everyone needs one or the other, but I had both to help me finally feel free). 

Mitch, however, doesn’t have that option anymore, because the apocalypse would have torn away all chances of that. Every adult who could have helped with his attention span and outbursts is gone and all medication for that purpose are also gone. The best way to keep yourself feeling better -- or what helped me -- was doing something you could get lost in thought while doing (weapon carving in his case).

He’s going to say things he doesn’t mean, he’s going to forget things, and he’s definitely going to be a dick for it sometimes ; however, there are going to be times when he MEANS it and there are going to be times when he’s PLAYING when saying it. Whether or not your muse can handle him is up to them ; not everyone is going to like him and I, honestly, have no qualms with it, because I like the diversity of it all.

Now another thing is that when I make comments about Mitch doing things that sound dumb, these aren’t a jab at his ACTUAL intelligence ; this is a commentary about ME when I forget what I’m doing. I was in math class and forgot where I was for a good ten minutes and wrote about the English assignment I had to do that night ; I once walked away from the lunch line as a senior in high school and realized that I hadn’t PAID yet. Seriously, I finally got my medication and help when I was NINETEEN (actually 20 for my meds) years old. 

My muse having moments of forgetfulness is NOT a testament of his intelligence. I also don’t condone him for being a dick, am not saying his disorder is an excuse to coddle him for it, and apologize for his actions in advance that I won’t always agree with.