#DomesticViolence DomesticAbuse FlyingWhileFat Divorce Anxiety Depression

[consumatesurvivor]

Fear Of Flying

Today is my flight home.  I'm so scared for a few reasons.  The first is seeing my mother again and the second is actually flying while fat.

I'll deal with the second first.  I've never been this big before.  When you're stuck in a bedroom for 3 years without the ability to make healthy meals or move further than a few feet you just balloon in size.  I can only wear three pairs of sweatpants.  I have a few shorts that were always way too big on me but in a stretchy material so they fit like a second skin now instead of needing a belt and being loose on purpose.  Just getting dressed to go out is a problem for me now.

I've read a lot about how people get kicked off planes for being too big.  I was going to buy two seats, but then I found out they don't actually give you the empty seat.  They will fill it and just keep the extra money.  They're just less likely to kick you off the plane.  It will all come down to if the person next to me complains or not.  That's a scary thought.  My ability to flee from my husband comes down to the tolerance level of the person sitting next to me.

If they do complain I'll be removed from the flight and I might not be able to actually leave the country.  I'll be taking three different flights so I'll be stressing about it all day with every flight, although I did pick a seat on the last flight that is all alone in an emergency row so I might be okay if I make it that far.  

If they kick me off and allow me on a later flight, I could just be kicked off later again and it will mean hours of delays and right now my flights are such that I don't have more than a 2 hour layover anywhere.  The pure act of getting a seat and being able to keep it is causing me a lot of stress.  Treating overweight people poorly is the last socially acceptable form of harassment left so it's not like anyone will stand up for me and help me.  I'll just be ridiculed and told to stop eating so much.

I've read the articles, the comments, and watched videos.  No one ever wonders about the person and what their life is like.  One look at me and no one will say, 'Oh there's the woman who was trapped in a room for three years by her jerk of a husband and now this is her once chance at freedom and regaining her life.'  Nope.  They'll say, 'Please don't let the fat old woman sit next to me.  No way will I sit next to that.'

At first glance people will think I eat way too much and am just too lazy to be allowed to live.  They won't know that for years and years I donated to charities monthly because I could afford it and thought it was the right thing to do.  They won't know that I got my family to stop giving me gifts and instead donate to charity in my name, and I did the same for them.  They won't know that during my childhood I was always put in the remedial classes because I didn't care about the standardized testing they did yearly.  I'd zone out and just color in circles to make patterns.  It wasn't until they stopped doing the yearly testing that they moved me up to the honors classes.  They won't know I had a cat for 19 years that was like a child to me.  When he was diagnosed with chronic renal failure, I spent 5 years taking care of him so he'd have a good quality life for as long as possible instead of just putting him to sleep.  It meant spending hundreds of dollars a month on him.  He deserved it.  They won't know in every job I've ever worked I've always been praised for how quickly I trained, how well I did the job, did beyond what was required, and was thought of as one of the better employees and praised constantly.  They won't know what my degree is in, that I paid for college all by myself, repaid every loan taken out years before it was due, have zero debt, don't have a driver's license, and have been emotionally, verbally, and now physically abused by my jerk husband.  They will know nothing about me, but they will judge me, presume they know all about me, and try to make my life worse because somehow the sight of me will inspire anger within them that fuels a righteousness where they feel they are morally right to hold me back, hurt my feelings, and make my life worse.

Okay so not everyone is like that, but so many are that I lay awake at night fearing flying home.  I also know that if someone says anything it will destroy my inner fragile self.  I'm big into self loathing right now.  It's been pretty big in my life for the last 3 years.  When someone says something negative to me it just reinforces all that hatred I have and pushes me further into the deep darkness that thinks there is no hope and I should end it all.  We need more empathy in the world.

Seeing my mother, my family again, is causing me huge anxiety as well.  I don’t think I'll be able to look anyone in the eyes.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed about what happened, how I feel, how I look, how I've lived, how I put up with it, everything.  How do I explain to people why I allowed this to happen to me?  I'm not sure what will be worse, having no one say anything about it or having them grill me about it.

I've never been one who really opens up about my inner thoughts to family and friends.  Posting these thoughts is new for me.  Although I'll never tell anyone I'm doing it or attach my name to it.  I've never really found it easy to trust people with the inner me.  I always felt I needed to appear stronger than I actually was.  People came to me with their troubles it didn't go the other way around.

If people ask me about it I'm not sure how to answer.  It was so hard for me to tell my mother about what had been happening.  I'm afraid a few will actually try to lecture me which I probably won't take well.  Then there are the judgments from people and I won't be able to handle them either (yeah you can see how I went off about judgments earlier).

I think ignoring it and pretending everything is normal and fine is pretty insulting too.  There's a happy medium that rarely gets achieved, where someone can acknowledge and offer support if you need it but not push and just be sensitive.  I've never received that.  I've tried to give it though.  I wonder if I was a failure when I tried.

My anxiety level is just at a peak now.  It's been building and now I just want to get through this as fast as possible.  I know it will feel like forever though.  If I'm lucky no one will say anything to me and I can go home in peace.  I'm praying for luck.