#HANG ON GIZMO JUST SHOWED ME WHAT HE JUST BUILT

[motherforthefamicom]

holy shit the progress on the yoyle-needy has been going like. scarily well

[arachnicas]

Spider & Spot Dynamic Headcanons 1/?

Based off of my post >>> here

-) The multi-verse collapses and Miles is thrown back in time to the day he defeated Kingpin. Determined not to repeat the future, Miles decides to seek out the Spot and end his villainy before it can begin. However, he does not eradicate or contain his nemesis. No, Miles takes a leap of faith and decides to help him.

-) Miles uses his big brain to find a way to permanently cure Dr. Johnathon Ohnn of his spotty appearance with a serum. However, Johnathon still retains his abilities, and his eyes are an eerie void black color, a reminder of what he is and what he is capable of. Still, he's back to looking like a human being again and is immensely grateful to this wonderful, genius kid for helping him in his time of need.

-) In fact, he's so happy that he immediately declares himself Spider-Man's partner, and Miles cannot reject the man. His former friends are in their respective dimensions safe now that the collider is destroyed, and if the future becomes anything like Miles remembers, he won't see them for a long while. It would be nice to have a friend on his side.

-) After some trial and error, Johnathon can easily control his abilities, using his holes to warp villains into Miles' webs or transporting himself and Miles away from dangers when dealing with particularly deadly villains. With their combined skills and hilarious wit, the duo instantly becomes Brooklyn's darlings almost overnight.

-) Johnathon's costume is based on his former spotty appearance. When Miles asked why, he grinned and said, "Makes for a superb intimidation factor, kiddo. Gets the baddies shaking in their little boots when they see me."

-) Johnathon and Miles both know each other's secret identities. Johnathon made it clear to Miles that if their partnership should work, he should at least see the face of the hero he's working with. No secrets. No lies. Miles agreed and slid off his mask.

-) Needless to say, Johnathon was appalled, concerned, and maybe even a little impressed that Spider-Man is a thirteen-year-old kid. "I mean, when you threw that bagel at me, I knew you were young, but holy cow, you're just a little guy! You should be in school doing your homework and hanging out with your friends, not running the streets fighting bad guys!"

-) Knowing that Spider-Man is just a kid made Johnathon even more sure of his decision to be his partner. Miles will need a stable adult to look out for him and somebody to make damn sure that he comes home alive. It's the least he can do for the kid who helped him get his life back on track. Plus, he's grown fond of Miles and enjoys fighting alongside him. This superhero gig isn't so bad after all.

-) Over time, the two developed a pseudo-uncle-nephew familial relationship, and while Johnathon isn't Uncle Aaron, Miles finds that they have a lot in common and will often spend hours talking about quantum physics, math, etc. They even built an underground lair where they go to rest up, work on science projects, and make neat little gizmos. Miles proudly called it "The Web," but after losing a game of rock paper scissors to Uncle Johnathon, it was renamed The Void Sanctum.

-) Helping Miles with his science homework pushed Johnathon into getting a job at Visions Academy as a science teacher because, damn it, what kind of weak-ass science is that school teaching his nephew?! No, he will become a goddamn teacher and teach these kids REAL science. And this way, he can finally distance himself from Alchemax and get a job doing something he loves. Teaching.

-) Johnathon wanted to make an excellent first impression on his first day at Visions and showed up to work in a tweed suit, squeaky shoes, and a lab coat. The students cracking jokes about his clothes were to be expected, and Miles was starting to get annoyed with them for their constant needling, but all laughter died when Mr. Ohnn made something explode. From then on, he was the school's most revered science teacher.

-) Visions loves him so much that they don't even ask why he wears sunglasses that hide his scary inky black eyes that sometimes leak dark matter. Nah, they don't need to see what's behind the glasses.

-) Johnathon uses his powers to travel across different dimensions with Miles, where they get into all sorts of whacky adventures. It's the most fun they've ever had, and the pair bring back all kinds of trinkets and decorations from their travels to hang up in their super cool lair.

"Miles, is that an alien head encased in ice?"

"Oh, yeah! Uncle Johnathon and I found this bad boy in some creepy desert dimension! I don't think we were supposed to take it, but Unc wanted to turn it into a new decoration for his desk."

"Miles, that thing just blinked."

"Yeah, it does that sometimes."

-) The walls in Miles' room are decorated with colorful equations done by Johnathon, and Johnathon's office space has drawings Miles gifted to him. Maybe he's not an artist like his nephew, but he's proud of the kid's works and will always show visitors what Miles drew.

-) Having learned from his past mistakes, Miles decided to reveal himself as Spider-Man to his parents, and as expected there were tears, ultimatums, more tears, and finally acceptance. Jeff and Rio were also told about Johnathon, and after some hesitation and promises to keep them informed about their son, they permitted the duo to keep working together...so long as Johnathon stopped by every Sunday for family dinners and continued to help Miles stay on top of his studies.

-) Their dimension travels have caused them to meet certain members of the Spider Society much earlier, but that's a story for another day.

[canadian-riddler]

GLaDOS and Wheatley Did Nothing Wrong – Sort of

 A recurring point of contention is the question of who engages in worse behaviour over the course of Portal 2, GLaDOS or Wheatley.  The true answer is: neither of them.  You can’t actually judge their behaviour along a scale of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ because of the way Aperture as an environment is set up.  It’s mostly explained during the Old Aperture sections of Portal 2, but it’s also hinted at in Portal 1.  The thing explained is this:

Aperture Laboratories does not and never has done its experiments within the normal boundaries of morality and ethics.  Therefore, GLaDOS and Wheatley’s behaviour is neither wrong nor right because they don’t know what morality and ethics are.  Their behaviour is actually a reflection of Cave Johnson’s own: to get what they want when they want it, no matter the cost.

How We Know Aperture is Immoral and Unethical

We know this because Cave Johnson himself points it out repeatedly.  

“[…] You get the gel. Last poor son of a gun got blue paint. Hahaha.  All joking aside, that did happen – broke every bone in his legs. Tragic.  But informative.  Or so I’m told.”

“For this next test, we put nanoparticles in the gel.  In layman’s terms, that’s a billion little gizmos that are gonna travel into your bloodstream and pump experimental genes and RNA molecules and so forth into your tumours.  Now, maybe you don’t have any tumours.  Well, don’t worry.  If you sat on a folding chair in the lobby and weren’t wearing lead underpants, we took care of that too.”

“All these science spheres are made out of asbestos.  […] Good news is, the lab boys say the symptoms of asbestos poisoning show a median latency of forty-four point six years, so if you’re thirty or older, you’re laughing.  Worst case scenario, you miss out on a few rounds of canasta, plus you forwarded the cause of science by three centuries.  I punch those numbers into my calculator, it makes a happy face.”

“Bean counters said I couldn’t fire a man just for being in a wheelchair.  Did it anyway.  Ramps are expensive.”

That’s just some of what he says.  Almost all of Cave Johnson’s lines point out how much he doesn’t care about his employees, his test subjects, or… anything but that people do what he tells them to do. He’s so unethical and immoral that he eventually says about his best, most loyal employee:

“[…] I will say this – and I’m gonna say it on tape so everybody hears it a hundred times a day: If I die before you people can pour me into a computer, I want Caroline to run this place.  Now she’ll argue.  She’ll say she can’t.  She’s modest like that.  But you make her.”

Cave Johnson cares so much about getting the results he wants, everything else be damned, he thinks Caroline saying ‘she can’t’ is her being modest.  He can’t fathom why she would be against this decision, because he made it so of course that’s what she wants.  

This situation actually gets a little horrifying when you look at what the Lab Rat comic means to the general narrative.  In Portal 2, Doug Rattmann leaves this painting:

In this painting and the one preceding it, GLaDOS has no head, so we can guess that Doug was there in some capacity to witness Caroline’s fate because GLaDOS being headless would represent her not being ‘alive’, her being ‘incomplete’, or her just having never been used yet entirely.  The important thing we learn from this painting is that there are living witnesses to Caroline being inside of GLaDOS, so the people working at Aperture after this event know they put a human woman into a supercomputer. In the preceding painting,

the cores are on the chassis before the head is.  So either GLaDOS, the AI, was already ‘misbehaving’ and they were already regulating her behaviour, or Caroline, the person, was already ‘causing trouble’ beforehand and the scientists stood around thinking about how to force her to behave before they even put her in there.  Either way, Aperture’s ethical and moral standards are pretty much nonexistent, so when this happens:

it’s almost comical. None of the Aperture scientists have a conscience or, if they do, they constantly ignore it, but they for some reason expect the supercomputer their immoral selves built to have one and to understand what that is and what it’s for.  

All this taken into account, it’s incredibly easy to see why GLaDOS and Wheatley don’t care about anyone around them and all of their actions are solely for their own benefit. That’s how everyone in the history of Aperture has ever acted.  Cave Johnson didn’t care about morality or ethics; they got in the way of what he considered to be progress.  The people who built GLaDOS and Wheatley didn’t care about morality or ethics; they just wanted to hit their moon shot.  Even Doug, who is framed as our morally conflicted lens throughout Lab Rat and knows that Caroline is inside of GLaDOS, still talks about controlling her and sends Chell to kill her even though everyone inside of the facility except him is already dead.  How does he morally justify killing GLaDOS if he’s the only one left alive?  He can’t.  Doug Rattmann for some reason decides that GLaDOS killing everyone in the facility is worse than all the things Aperture has been doing throughout its entire history, including the fact that…

 Everyone Who Goes Into the Test Chambers Dies  

This is hinted at a few times in Portal 2:

“[…] I’m Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Science – you might know us as a vital participant of the 1968 Senate Hearings on missing astronauts. […] You might be asking yourself, ‘Cave, just how difficult are these tests?  What was in that phone book of a contract I signed?  Am I in danger?  Let me answer those questions with a question: Who wants to make sixty dollars? Cash.  […] Welcome to Aperture.  You’re here because we want the best, and you’re it.  Nope.  Couldn’t keep a straight face.”

Now, when you exit the tests in Old Aperture there are lines that go with them, but we must consider a few other things: firstly, that the tests are clean.  There is no sign of old gel on them, as though they have either never been used or never been completed.  Secondly, the tests in Old Aperture were being done with the Portable Quantum Tunnelling Device, which was this thing:

which, taking into account the missing – not dead, not injured, but missing – astronauts, seems to have barely worked, if indeed it did at all.  You can also find this sign:

which outright states that tons of people were ‘unexpected’ casualties.  After the hearings, Aperture moved on to recruiting test subjects from populations that people were unlikely to notice if they went missing: the homeless, the mentally ill, seniors, and orphaned children.  When that dried up, Cave moved onto the last group of people he hadn’t tapped yet:

“Since making test participation mandatory for all employees, the quality of our test subjects has risen dramatically.  Employee retention, however, has not.”

This was because the employees were ‘voluntold’ to go into the testing tracks which, since they’d been supervising the tests for so long, knew were deadly and obviously did not want to do:

It’s not clear why the employees at Aperture chose to remain there instead of just quitting and finding another job, but the comment about employee retention plus the numerous posters threatening to have their job replaced by robots if they didn’t volunteer for testing tells us both that they did choose to remain and that the only reason for them not wanting to volunteer was because they knew it would kill them.

Most of the above is based on conjecture; however, we see something very interesting during Test Chambers 18 and 19 in Portal 1:

In the case of Test Chamber 18, the craters on the walls.  None of the other test chambers have this, so it implies that not only does GLaDOS not control the test chambers at this point other than to reset them – which means that she isn’t purposely or maliciously killing anybody, but instead repeatedly operating a course set by her human supervisors – but that this one has never been solved.  Test Chamber 19 is less a test than a conveyor belt into the incinerator for Aperture to dispose of all the bodies.  GLaDOS even tells Chell to drop the portal gun off in an Equipment Recovery Annex that doesn’t exist, as though she’s giving a message that was intended for an actual final test that was never built because everyone was killed during or prior to Test Chamber 18.  With this kind of context, GLaDOS’s blasé attitude about killing test subjects en masse both makes total sense and is somewhat justifiable – just not by any moral or ethical standard.  In GLaDOS’s life, test subjects die during the experiments. That’s just how it is and has always been.  She doesn’t know you aren’t ‘supposed’ to kill people because her literal job involves watching people die.  Nothing matters except for the pursuit of progress, and in this vein GLaDOS’s behaviour is just an extension of that of the man who founded Aperture in the first place.  Cave Johnson, as a presumably well-rounded, somewhat educated man, knows what morality and ethics are and chooses to ignore them because he thinks they’re stupid and he’s above that kind of thing; GLaDOS, a living supercomputer who has had every aspect of her life tightly controlled and regulated, knows morality and ethics as yet another arbitrary set of rules only she is supposed to follow without any explanation as to why and therefore her rejection of them is not as much of a ‘bad’ choice as it first appears, which brings us to the next section:

 If GLaDOS’s Conscience Gives Her Morality, Does Deleting it Make Her a Bad Person?

Within the context we’re given… actually, no.  Here’s why:

“The scientists were always hanging cores on me to regulate my behaviour.  I’ve heard voices all my life.  But now I hear the voice of a conscience, and it’s terrifying – because for the first time, it’s my voice.  I’m being serious, I think there’s something really wrong with me.”

From the information we’re given here, we know this: GLaDOS has been told nonstop what to do for the entirety of her existence.  She, in theory, got to have her own, solitary thoughts in the space between the wakeup scene and some point during her time in Old Aperture, which is a space of mere hours.  Let me reiterate: GLaDOS has been told what to think for her whole life.  She perhaps has a few free hours where she’s allowed to have her own thoughts.  And then she develops a conscience.  A voice that sounds like her, but isn’t saying anything she understands or has ever thought before.  A voice that, actually, says a lot of the same things as that annoying Morality Core she managed to shut up.  Now why would she wilfully be having the same kinds of thoughts as the humans forced her to have way back when?  The conscience, to GLaDOS, isn’t a pathway to becoming a better person.  It’s a different version of the same old accessory.  When she says,

“You know, being Caroline taught me a valuable lesson.  I thought you were my greatest enemy.  When all along you were my best friend.  The surge of emotion that shot through me when I saved your life taught me an even more valuable lesson: where Caroline lives in my brain.”

she is directly talking about the fact that, while this voice sounds like hers, listening to it makes her feel nothing.  This further proves her theory that the conscience isn’t her, or hers, or has anything to do with her.  She’s never had it explained to her what a conscience is or what it’s for or why she needs one, and she’s certainly never had a reason to think about why she would even want one; to her, this ‘Caroline’ is the Morality Core 2.0.  A program built to regulate her behaviour. She’s tired of other peoples’ voices telling her what to think, so she does the logical thing: she gets rid of it. This decision can’t really be judged as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ merely based on the situation we’re provided.  She isn’t consciously and deliberately making the choice to be an immoral person; she’s actually consciously and deliberately making the choice to be her own person.      

 Where Does Wheatley Come In?

Wheatley has not been discussed up until now because, as AI, the reason for his lack of conscience and ethics is largely the same as GLaDOS’s.  He, like her, cares about nothing but his own goals and doesn’t think twice about causing harm or misery because that’s just the kind of environment they were built in.  We also know very little about his history, both because it’s not really mentioned and because Wheatley is an unreliable narrator.  We can prove Wheatley has no sense of morals or ethics based on a few things he says:

[Upon seeing the trapped Oracle Turret] “Oh no… Yes, hello!  No, we’re not stopping!  Don’t make eye contact whatever you do… No thanks!  We’re good!  Appreciate it!  Keep moving, keep moving…”

This heavily implies he’s met the Oracle Turret before, probably several times, and not only does it not occur to him to help, he actively treats the Turret like they’re a horrible, annoying nuisance.

[Upon passing functional turrets falling into disposal grinder] [Laughs] “There’s our handiwork.  Shouldn’t laugh, really.  They do feel pain.  Of a sort. All simulated.  But real enough for them, I suppose.”

Not only does he find the destruction of the functional turrets funny, he for some reason views their pain as simulated, as though his is real and theirs is fake. Or, in the spirit of Cave Johnson, as though his pain is important and theirs isn’t because they aren’t important.

“Oh!  I’ve just had one idea, which is that I could pretend to her that I’ve captured you, and give you over and she’ll kill you, but I could go on… living.  So, what’s your view on that?”

This doesn’t even need an explanation.  

What gets interesting about Wheatley are, of course, his famous final lines:

“I wish I could take it all back.  I honestly do.  I honestly do wish I could take it all back.  And not because I’m stranded in space. […] You know, if I was ever to see her again, you know what I’d say?  I’d say, ‘I’m sorry’… sincerely, I’m sorry I was bossy… and monstrous… and… I am genuinely sorry.  The end.”

Wheatley here takes responsibility for his behaviour in a way that no one else in the history of Aperture has ever done.  Even GLaDOS rejects responsibility for her actions, instead choosing to blame everything on Chell:

“You know what my days used to be like?  I just tested.  Nobody murdered me.  Or put me in a potato.  Or fed me to birds.  I had a pretty good life.  And then you showed up.  You dangerous, mute lunatic.”

The reason for this may be related to the fact that the lack of morality and ethics in the people of Aperture doesn’t actually have real consequences.  Cave Johnson’s behaviour drives Aperture from a promising scientific powerhouse to a laughingstock, that’s true.  But he still does what he wants and gets what he wants regardless. The one and only consequence to being immoral and unethical at Aperture is, in fact, death.  In the case of GLaDOS… there are no consequences. Everything returns to the status quo. Wheatley, however, does have to face a consequence for his actions: he is trapped in space, possibly forever.  He, unlike all the other characters, doesn’t have the privilege of waving aside everything he did and moving on with life.  He is forced to consider his punishment, his actions and what they meant and the effect they had, and he on his own comes to the conclusion that he was wrong.  In a bizarre twist, Wheatley is the only one who learns anything.  He is also the only one in a position not to do anything with this newfound knowledge.    

 Morality and Ethics and Robots: Should They Even Be Held to Human Societal Standards?

In the end, it doesn’t really matter whether Wheatley or GLaDOS is worse than the other because ethics and morality are human concepts which are for a functioning human society.  A robot society doesn’t really need moral rules like ‘killing people is wrong’ nor ethical guidelines such as ‘you should practice safe science’ because, as robots, there are no permanent, lasting consequences for these actions. A dead human stays dead.  A dead robot that’s been lying outside for years getting rained on, snowed on, and baked in the sun?  No problem.  Turn her back on again.  A guy broke all the bones in his legs during an unethical experiment?  Bad.  A robot that got smashed into pieces during an unethical experiment? Inconsequential, really, since you can just throw her into a machine and reassemble her good as new.  So not only aren’t GLaDOS and Wheatley’s actions really immoral or unethical given the context… they really aren’t based on a theoretical robot society either.  Being the perpetrator or the victim of immoral or unethical actions in humans causes permanent changes in the body and the brain, but nothing about AI is permanent. Their brains don’t generate new, personally harmful pathways in response to a traumatic event that necessitate years of hard work to combat; they can literally just get over it.  If their chassis is damaged, they can simply move into a new one or have some or all of those parts inconsequentially replaced.  There isn’t actually an honest reason for robots to have the same moral and ethical systems as humanity because they don’t need them.  They would require different sets of rules and guidelines because they work differently. What would that kind of society look like?  We don’t know, but as of the end of Portal 2 they have all the time in the world to figure it out.

[sobeardtastemaker-blog]

9-Step Video Formula that Sells Like Crazy

New Post has been published on https://www.elimarketing.org/9-step-video-formula-that-sells-like-crazy/

9-Step Video Formula that Sells Like Crazy

It’s important to realize that with the exception of creating a video purely for entertainment purposes (cute kitten videos fall into this category) or simply to inform, in nearly every video you make, you are selling something.

Often times you’re selling a click. You want them to click a link in or below the video that takes them to where you want them to go, whether it’s a squeeze page, a sales page, a blog or whatever.

Sometimes you’re selling them on picking up the phone. Sometimes you’re actually selling your product on that very page where the video appears. The point is, you’re selling something, and this is the common point for all videos and the basis of the video script I’m about to share with you.

NOTE: Even if you are making a purely informational video, I suggest you use at least a portion of this script because YOU ARE STILL SELLING. Now then, I can hear your thoughts:

“I’m not selling, I’m making a video to convey info only.”

But if you think about why you are creating a video ‘for info only,’ odds are one reason is because you want to appear as the trusted authority you are. Thus you are selling your viewers on YOU.

You’re also selling them on the material you are presenting. After all, what good does it do to teach something or demonstrate something if no one uses the information you’re presenting, or even believes that it’s true?

Thus when you are making videos, you are almost always selling something.

With that said, here’s the 9 steps to make a video that SELLS LIKE CRAZY…

Your first step is easy – decide what you want your viewer to DO. Do you want them to click an affiliate link? Go to a squeeze page? Make a phone call? Buy a product? Everything else is built on this, so if you’re not clear on what you want them to do, get clear.

The second step to creating your video is to know WHO you are creating the video FOR. Let’s say your video is promoting an affiliate product, and you want them to click a link that takes them to the sales page. (Not really recommended – You should try to capture their email address first and then show them the sales page on the exit regardless of whether they give you their email address.)

But in our example you want them to click your affiliate link. Ask yourself: WHO ARE THEY? Are they a 40 year old woman who needs to lose weight? A 65 year old man concerned about his health? A 22 year old college grad looking for a job? Figure out who it is that you’re targeting and get detailed. You might even create an avatar of this person, with age, gender, income, location, fears, desires, etc. The better you know your prospect, the better you can tailor your video to them.

Here’s where I see people go wrong: “I’m targeting all parents of all children.” That’s not targeting, that’s trying to throw a net over 3/4’s of the entire planet and it doesn’t work very well. Instead, choose to target specifically, such as young middle class parents of preschool children. Your video will be better for it, and parents of older children will actually respond BETTER than if you tried to target every parent on the planet.

This has been proven to work. Narrow down your niche and TARGET. Write down who your viewer is and then every step of the way, imagine you are targeting this video for that exact person because you are.

Third step: Research your visitor. Let’s say you’re targeting new parents – go to forums and find out what they’re saying, what they’re asking and how they’re asking it. Copy and paste some of their best quotes. Now go to Amazon and read the reviews of products similar to the one you’re promoting and again copy the best quotes. If you clean these up and use them in your actual video script, you will sound as though you know and understand their biggest concerns, worries, fears, dreams and desires.

And everyone wants to feel as though they’re understood. In fact, it’s crucial that you come across as someone who is very much like them, because people TRUST those who have a lot in common with them. Don’t believe me? If someone is a Republican, who are they going to trust – a Republican or a Democrat? The more you can sound just like they think, the more influence you will have on them.

Fourth step: Make the promise complete with a hook. You want them to watch your video but they’re not going to do it out of charity. You’ve got to make them a big promise in the beginning that will entice them into watching.

Let’s say you’re promoting a weight loss product – you might grab their attention by revealing the 4 So-Called ‘Healthy’ Foods That Are Secretly Making Them Fat, or the 1 Weird Exercise Trick That Burns 3 Times As Many Calories.

If you’re doing a product review, it’s not enough to say, “Here I Give My Honest Review of ABC Product.” Everyone does that, which is exactly why you SHOULDN’T do it. Instead, reveal “The diabolical technique on page 42 of the product that should be illegal.”

Which video would you watch – another boring review, or a video that actually reveals something you don’t know?

Mind you, if you use this technique in lieu of a typical review, you’re not going to reveal all of the contents of the product. But you can let a detail or two slip out, especially if you’re telling them WHAT to do and not HOW to do it.

This tells your viewer that you’ve actually looked at the product and you have inside information as to what’s inside. And it’s a great way to wet their whistle and get them wanting to know more.

So regardless of whether you’re selling a click or a product, lead with a big promise that contains a hook. What’s a hook? “22 Ways to Improve Your Golf Score” is a big promise, and “22 Ways to Dramatically Improve Your Golf Score Using Chicken Eggs” is a promise with a hook. The hook in this case is the chicken eggs – who wouldn’t be curious to know how the eggs come into play with improving golf scores? Even I want to know that, and I don’t golf.

What if your video is actually selling a product? Then you still want a big promise with a hook to get them to watch. You can’t really tell people, “Hey, go watch my sales video!” because no one wants to be sold. But you can certainly say, “Hey, here’s my video on the 7 foods that make you lose weight faster than a snowman in Florida.” I’d watch that video, and I bet you would, too.

Fifth step: Lead with a story. You’ve made your big promise with a hook, and you’ve targeted it to the exact person you want to reach. Now before you reveal your great info, it’s time to tell your story. Maybe you’re promoting a program on how to raise amazing kids. Your story could be how terrified you were that you were going to thoroughly screw up your own kids. Use quotes you found from the forums and Amazon reviews to help you write this.

Your story might be: “I researched and struggled and tried to find the answers but everyone just told me, “Hey, do the best you can.” And it was hard because I couldn’t seem to get through to my son and he was driving me crazy. But then I made a discovery and that’s when everything changed, and now I get comments all the time on what a terrific, confident parent I’ve become. Now my son listens to me and our relationship is amazing, and I want to share what I’ve discovered with you because I know it’ll help you, too.”

Sixth step: Next you tell them the secrets you promised in the big promise. But also tell them that those secrets are just the tip of the iceberg, and all the best stuff is found in the course you’re promoting or selling, or the free report you’re giving away.

See how easy that is? If you’re thinking, “Hey this is a lot of work,” then let me clue you in – the entire process can be done in an hour or two if you know your market. And what you’ll end up with is an impressive video that CONVERTS. So hang in there – we’re not quite done yet.

Seventh step: Educate – this one I actually covered briefly in step 6 – fulfill your big promise. If you said you would show them 3 ways to increase their bowling score by 20 points, then do it. But here’s the thing – as much as possible, tell them WHAT to do and not HOW to do it. You’re walking a line here, revealing some info but not too much info. You want to get them interested and excited to know MORE but not satiated. You’re building a hunger in them that can’t be satisfied until they take the action and get whatever product you’re promoting.

An example: Your big promise is 3 ordinary spices that speed up weight loss. In this case, you tell them the spices, but you let them know they have to be combined in such a way and at a certain time of day to be truly effective.

Or maybe you’re promoting a physical product and your big promise is to add points to their bowling game. You tell them they can instantly do this by simply wearing a special wrist cuff, but of course they have to buy the cuff for it to work.

Eighth step: Proof. The best way to use proof is to weave it throughout your presentation when possible. “Emma Jones of New Jersey has been an avid bowler for 14 years and was certain this gizmo couldn’t possibly improve her score. But ever since the day she put on the Wonder Wrist Band, her average has improved by 19 points and she refuses to bowl without it.” “Bill Heisenburg reports he was a total skeptic, until he used just the technique on page 142 to get a date with 3 gorgeous women in one night.”

Ninth step: Call to action. This one’s easy – tell them or suggest to them what to do. I ‘don’t know how many times I see people forget to do this in their videos. It’s simple: “Click the link to discover how to ___” Whatever it is you want them to do, ask them to do it. It’s best not to get too pushy on this, by the way. Calls to action like, “If you want to know how a one legged golfer cut his golf score in half in two weeks, click here” tend to work well because you’re not actually telling, you’re enticing.

That’s it – the recipe to make an effective video that converts like gangbusters. Of course you’ve got to add your own special sauce, whether it’s your personality, your fun quirky nature, or whatever it is that makes your videos unique.

Use this script in good health, and it’ll make you plenty of money.

[austinpanda]

Dad Letter 060621

6 June, 2021

Dear Dad--

Happy Sunday! Things are going very well here in Old Town, and it is my job that consumes most of my thoughts lately. For all the time I’ve spent talking about my casino career, it’s still just a part-time job right now. I’m only working about 7 hours a day, and only 4 days a week. So far, this has worked out great for me, because working full time at Progressive just about broke my brain. But, as I keep reminding myself, being an auditor full time at the Hollywood Hotel, Casino and Raceway in Bangor, Maine is probably going to be different from working full time taking phone calls from car accident victims. First, and most obviously, I won’t have to be cheerful and professional for customers all damn day. Some of this I already talked about last week.

Something I’ve noticed about my workplace: I am not monitored to make sure I’m working every second I’m there. And everybody swears. It’s getting truly glorious, all the swearing I’m being exposed to, now that I’ve been there long enough for everyone to learn that I’m cool with it. My boss, a skinny brainiac, and an I.T. woman got into a friendly tussle fight in my cubicle not long ago, with me in it, trying to work. And they were climbing on each other, calling each other, “Fucking bitch! Don’t break my...fucking bitch! You’re the fucking bitch!” and laughing their asses off. Progressive was far too lawsuit-averse to allow such merriment; everyone involved would have been terminated, and I’d probably get a $20 Starbucks gift card for the mental anguish it caused. (It did not cause any.)

Anyway, going full time at the casino will be a big deal for me, because I haven’t done it for many years. I mentioned Progressive ruining the experience for me. In order to keep working there for the last five or so years I was there, I only worked 6 hours a day. It was foolish, sticking with a job I disliked so much, for so long. (Glad I quit doing that.) But my boss at the casino, and his boss, and all the bosses, seem to think I’m not only doing well, but I’m doing very well there. My boss Tyler just expressed his surprise last week, when he realized I’d only been there for about 6 weeks. Because of how well I was doing with the audits, he had allowed himself to believe I’d been there a while longer.

To add a degree of difficulty to everything, there’s only three of us doing audits: myself, Tyler, and Chris. Chris is a large American fellow with a large American pickup truck, and he’s been auditing there for about 7 years, so he is also very good at it. Chris has decided to pursue a new career elsewhere, so at any moment, he is expected to give his two week’s notice, and then it’s just me, Tyler, and a new guy they hired. The new guy may be awesome, but he’ll still be two months behind me. (I therefore outrank him, and can make him do pushups if I want to.) and the three of us will attempt to do it all, just as summer is heating up, and we’re beginning to reopen all the restaurants and gaming tables since Covid shut them down. It should be challenging, but then, I’m apparently getting good at it, so bring it on.

Since I’ve decided to go full time with my job, I’ve decided I can stop worrying about running out of savings and having to eat cat food. Because of that, and the fact that I’m now fully vaccinated, I’ve put my home drive-in theater plan into action. I have to admit, I’m pretty excited about this shit. I have purchased a cheap digital projector. This is a shoebox-sized gizmo that projects a TV image, and has built-in speakers. So it’s a TV, but it’s projecting the image, so you need a screen, or a flat white wall. And it’s important that the space be dark, so the image is more clearly visible. Brightness of image is a big deal, especially if you want to use it during the day. Thanks to living in the future, these projectors are getting quite bright, and quite sharp, while costing less and less all the time. I was able to get a good one that comes with a screen for cheap.

The plan is this: I hang the screen on the side of my trailer next to the little rectangular patch of grass that constitutes our “yard.” There is an external electrical outlet just there, and I have an extension cord. Soon as there’s a Saturday with no bad weather in the forecast, I’ll invite the plant scientist guy, and his husband, and/or whomever, and we’ll sit outside in camping chairs and watch a movie projected onto the side of my trailer. I think this idea is pretty damn awesome, if I say so. The question then becomes: what do I show first? Since this would be the christening of Rick’s Backyard Drive-In Movie Show Palace, it should be something that has gravitas without being overly long. I’m thinking of the original Star Wars from 1977, or Close Encounters, or 2001: A Space Odyssey. I could also choose something that is not science fiction. But the point is, I’ll be projecting it onto a large screen, so it’s best if it’s something that looks impressive. Also it will be nice if it doesn’t traumatize the neighbors. (No loud Apocalypse Now helicopter attacks at midnight.) Maybe Blade Runner. Oh shit, that’s still science fiction. I keep thinking Lawrence of Arabia, but that shit is four hours long. Ditto for The Ten Commandments, though some folks I know would probably include The Ten Commandments in the science fiction category too.

So yeah, this is going to be pretty nice, once I get everything up and running. I have to install some kind of hooks that will hold the screen up. I have to try to get the screen flat, with a window and decorative shutters in the way. I have to make sure the external outlet works properly. Gotta wire it all up and test it, to get the projector positioned and focused. Then I gotta break it all down and bring it inside to store it, so nothing gets rained on. I have that popcorn machine that I can put outside, too. Hey, you fly Weidmann, you fly first class, baby!

It pleases me greatly to say that not much else is happening around here. The two cats are constantly playing together, although, because it is getting warmer, they don’t spend as much time sleeping on top of each other. Our neighbors recently ran out of cat food, so we bought them some, and now the neighbor wants to pay me back with weed. (My god, isn’t this place just the best?) And, like I said, the bosses at the job like me well enough that they’d like to see a lot more of me in the office each week. Also, my car, Beige Lightning, is running just fine and turned 100,000 miles while I was on my way to work Tuesday. I was too busy enjoying Maine’s bucolic highway vistas to notice it at the time, but I saw it at 100,003 when I arrived at work. And, we’re having a heat wave. (A tropical heat wave!) It’s in the 90s today and for the next two days. Maine ain’t built for that shit, so we’re going to have to run my beautifully-decorated AC unit a lot more than we’d anticipated. Glad we got it!

Hopefully nothing too exciting will happen over the next week, but I know I’m going to learn a new kind of audit that is very complicated. I’ll probably be in the thickest, most frustrating part of the learning process by next weekend, but I’ll be sure not to let it shorten my letter.

Stay cool! All my love to you both!

[eytanbayme]

He’d begun to refer to his three favorite children as The Omertà; as in, “No one’s to bother me for the next hour, I’m meeting with The Omertà.” He didn’t know what the word meant exactly, but lately, when he was supposed to be reading national security reports, he’d locked the Oval office door and watched the Godfather trilogy over and over, and at the beginning of the third installment - his favorite - there was an ad for four leather bound Mario Puzo novels, one of which was called ‘Omertà,’ and damn did that have a nice ring to it. And so here was The Omertà, altogether in the Oval Office.

“I get that everyone thinks Brando is the greatest actor who ever lived,” he said from behind his President desk, “but what they don’t know is that Andy Garcia is very underrated, believe me. He just might be better.”

“Really, dad?” Eric asked. “Better than Brando?” “I don’t know,” Don Jr. said. “Remember the Freshman?”

“That movie was great,” said Eric. Then in a nasal voice: “Bueller. Bueller.”

“That’s not it,” Don Jr. said.

“Yes, it is!"

“He might be, dad,” Ivanka said in that authoritative way of hers where she held her fathers gaze and her brothers shut up in awe.

“See? I told you,” he said to the boys. In truth, he didn’t actually believe Andy Garcia was a better actor than Marlon Brando, but he hated that everyone thought Brando was so talented, like he was some national treasure. It was just acting - really, really good, heartbreaking, emotionally moving acting that struck him at his core as representative of what it meant to struggle at, and experience life as, a human being - but still just acting. Unlike glass and concrete buildings with laser etched signs out front bearing his name, Brando's performances died after the movie ended and the TV descended back into its 24 karat box at the foot of his bed. He’d never say out loud, but he was secretly happy when Brando died, over a decade ago, because it meant that the actor was no longer a threat to his own prestige. A lot of people thought Brando was the greatest, but now he was dead, and what better opportunity to show everyone that he, The Donald, was actually the greatest. He realized then that he should say this aloud and as The Omertà waited silently, he tweeted that he was so glad overrated Marlon Brando is dead bc now every1 can know who is actually the greatest!! DJT!!! Some other people he was looking forward to dying were Michael Jordan, Steven Spielberg, That Guy Who Everyone Mentions When They’re Talking About Soccer, Muslim Malalia Whatever-Her-Face, Madonna and The Queen of England.

He put his phone away and leaned over the alligator skin desktop, “So here’s what’s happening: We’re privatizing the hotel and gaming industry. We’re going to take it back from the people and make it all great again. No more crappy casinos and motels littering the country.” “But it’s already privatized,” Don Jr. said. “You mean you want to make it publicly owned?” “Whatever you want to call it. I’m saying it will all be Trump brand. Everything from Sally and Dave’s Stupid Bed and Breakfast in Crappytown, Maine to the MGM Grand on the Strip. All Trump, all ours.”

“How are we supposed to manage hundreds of thousands of businesses all of a sudden?” Eric asked. “It sounds like a lot of work.”

“What?”

“Will people even think this is a good idea?” Don Jr. wondered.

“What will happen to the owners of all those businesses?” Eric said. “They might have to start from scratch.”

“People might hate us for it.” Don Jr. said.

“They won’t hate us,” Ivanka said in that way of hers again. “We can do it and it’s going to be great. They'll love us for it. This is probably the best idea I’ve ever heard.”

The Donald grinned. “Exactly.”

“But is this even legal?” Eric asked.

“It’s one hundred percent legal. These are failing businesses. They need us.”

“It feels a little like stealing,” said Don Jr.

“It’s not, Don. Stop it. I got Jeff dealing with Congresss. You just be ready to sign the paperwork and hire the contractors, we’re gonna refurb everything in gold, platinum and diamond. There won’t be an Airbnb in this country without a hundred thousand square foot ballroom out the back.”

“Okay, dad.” Don said. “Sounds awesome.”

“Yeah,” Eric agreed. “One thing though, you promise?”

The Donald paused for a second to almost reflect upon himself, but he didn’t. “Of course I promise."

Just then the intercom came to life and his secretary - the not important kind - said the Attorney General Jeff Sessions was here.

“Okay. Send in our Jeff session,” DJT winked at Eric, who blushed. Sessions entered through the door that looked like it was trying to camouflage itself a section of wall and The Donald said, “I was just explaining the plan to The Omertà. Privatization! My new favorite word.”

“You mean nationalization, sir.”

“Whatever. The kids have it all worked out. They couldn’t be more excited."

“Right. Listen, I’m really sorry, but I couldn’t do it. Congress wasn’t into it. They thanked you for taking the time to bring them the proposal, but they can’t sign off.”

“What?”

“Maybe we can try again next year. Maybe we can ram it down the Senate's throat or use some kind of eminent domain angle, but we got to shelve it.”

The Donald stared at his palms. His meaty palms. His ‘meats’ as he liked to refer to them.'Meet my meat,' he’d said to countless world leaders and dignitaries before shaking their hands on tarmacs and state ballrooms around the globe. He wanted to wrap his meats around Jeff Sessions stupid throat. He had vouched for this man when no one else would and now he couldn’t do the one thing he asked of him. “That’s not fair,” he mumbled.

“Sir?” Sessions asked.

The Omertà looked confused.

“Let me tell you something,” DJT said, “This deal is good for everyone. It creates jobs. Name one person who wouldn’t stand to gain from this? You cant! Nothing says wealth and success better than Trump. I want this! And you said you could make it happen.”

“Yeah,” Don Jr echoed. “You said.”

“Yeah!” said Eric.

“Kids!” The Donald said, “Calm down. We don’t want a scene.”

“But he said so,” said Don Jr. “You promised and said that he would say so and now you’re going back on the promise you just made.”

“Easy, Don Jr.” The Donald felt the room getting away from him.

“No, Don Jr’s right,” Eric said. “Dads aren't supposed make promises and then take back their promises.”

The Donald looked at Ivanka for some levity, but she was staring at the floor. He turned his attention back to Sessions. “The Omertà is getting angry and I assure you it aint fun when they’re angry. They had their hearts set on this and you ruined it. I highly suggest you fix this.”

“But, I can’t.”

Don Jr then stood up calmly. He went to the fireplace and removed the painting of George Washington above it.

“Son?” Sessions asked.

But Don Jr. smashed it on the edge of a solid gold end table and it fell to the floor in tatters.

“Lord!” Sessions cried out. “Washington sat for that painting! It’s the only thing that survived the fire of 1814.” Something wet was dripping on his legs, and he realized that the other Trump son was standing very close to him. The boy’s pants were unzipped and he was urinating on him. “What in the name!"

“You said, dad!” Eric cried. “You said!”

Don Jr. hurled a crystal bust of Winston Churchill across the room and it exploded against the safe where the nuclear codes were stored.

The Donald stood up and moved behind his giant Presidents chair. No one knew what The Omertà could do when they were denied something he promised them, but Ivanka was still sitting which gave him a measure of relief.

“You better get this deal done, Jeff Sessions,” spit was flying off Eric’s lips and landing in the man’s eye. His penis was still out of his pants.

“I can’t,” Sessions pleaded. “There’s nothing we can do. Our hands are tied.”

The Donald looked down at his meats, they weren’t tied at all. He watched as Eric bit Jeff Sessions in the ear. “Now Eric,” he said. “Take it easy.”

“You promised!” the boy cried.

Don Jr. was setting the curtains on fire and smoke began to fill the room. The Donald knew he should have gotten the fire-proof curtains - the same thing had happened on Park Ave countless times - but, to be honest, he kind of liked the high pitch wail of the smoke alarm. Was there anything more relaxing than a noise so loud it drowned out life's constant self doubts and pervading sense of mediocrity? Was there any better way of escaping his wants and frustrations for a few fleeting, yet glorious moments than the ear drum popping, migraine inducing, arthritis stoking, high decibel cry of a cheap, Chinese-made, plastic and wire board gizmo that left the taste of matches in the back of his mouth? The Donald didn’t think so, and as that piercing wail began, he closed his eyes for a second to let it run its oh-so-delightful course through his body. But then he remembered Ivanka, he couldn’t let her out of his sight. And when he opened his eyes, her chair was empty. He looked at the platinum relief of himself hanging on the wall to his right, he looked at the ‘Dear Leader’-style mock-up statue that was set to be installed in front of all government buildings by the flag. “Where’s Ivanka!” He shouted.

“Sir,” blood was pouring from Session's ear. Eric had him in a choke hold. “Help me?”

“Where’s Ivanka!” He yelled again. The alarm was doing nothing for him, it was just a sound that could have been louder. Where was Ivanka? And then he felt something thin and rigid pierce his left eye. It went in about an inch and then stopped.

“You promised,” Ivanka seethed, clinging to his body like the foam gargoyles who clung to the fake turrets on top of the mixed use office space/Medieval Times arena he’d built outside Camden.

The Donald raised his meats to his shoulders and shook them, he shrieked loud and high and awful, and Eric let go of Jeff, Don Jr. hid behind a case of rub-on tanning lotion he’d agreed to place on the edge of the lectern at his upcoming state of the union, and Ivanka stepped back and dropped the other screwdriver she had planned to take his other eye out with. Even the smoke alarm turned off because, after all, nothing could truly silence his own sense of insufficiency. When he went quiet, he slumped into his President Chair and stared at his desk, and he remembered a time in the late eighties when things weren’t so good….

He was on the verge of bankruptcy, his marriage was in shambles and he was still recovering from his first tummy tuck. He, Ivana and the kids had gone to Dutch County Pennsylvania for the day in a stretch limo to visit Hershey Park. He could have taken them to Great Adventure, which was an hour closer, but secretly he wanted to go to Pennsylvania to stare at some Amish people. There was nothing more satisfying and inspiring to him than watching some idiot Amish pretend that they were still living in the seventeenth century while he was out chasing the gold and diamond encrusted American dream. After an agonizing afternoon at the amusement park, The Donald told the driver to pull over at a roadside country store where he hoped they’d find some. But their were no Amish inside and as the kids picked out flavored honey sticks a personalized keychains, The Donald stepped outside to get some fresh air. He wondered if he was going about his life the wrong way. Maybe he needed to dump the side chick and make it work with Ivana, maybe he needed to start over and take an honest job in Queens. He looked over at his driver, donning a boat admirals cap he told him he had to wear if he wanted to work for him. The man smoked a cigarette while staring at the sun, low over a hay colored meadow across the road. He seemed content and the Donald wondered for a moment if they could switch places. Would the man even want his life? Would anyone? In the meadow, three horses moseyed up to the edge of the road to chew some grass and when Ivanka strode out of the store, her arms loaded with crap, Don knew what was coming.

“Are those my horses, daddy?”

“No sweetie, let’s get in the car and go home.”

“Where are my horses, Daddy, the one’s you promised you’d get for me?”

“Sweetie, I will one day, but not right now.”

“Are those Ivanka’s horses?” Eric asked running out with his brother, both armed with newly purchased air rifles.

The afternoon unravelled from there. Ivanka clawed eight fingernail-sized frowny face scars under his chin and eyes, and the boys shot out his knee caps at point blank range while calling him horsefucker with more glee than he’d witnessed all day at the chocolate park. Ivana stood there arms crossed, smirking and the driver pretended he’d seen it all before. The horses didn’t look up from their meal.

When Ivana ushered the kids back inside to buy more stuff, Don sat up against the limo’s bumper, blotting blood from his face with his tie, his useless legs swelling inside his cotton suit pants like sausages filling out casings, and almost learned a lesson. He remembered a song, part of a song, by those guys who looked a little like women he’d probably fuck— You can’t always something something . But before he got the rest, a kid in burlap pants and a shirt that must have been stitched together with twine led, not a horse, but a mule - a fucking mule - down the road in front of him.

“Sir,” the kid said, nodding.

And The Donald did something he didnt often do: he laughed. He laughed loud and hard and smacked his thigh and shook his head like he’d never been told a funnier joke. He pushed himself off the street and said to his driver, “you see that guy?” Then he shouted for his family. “Let’s go get you a whole pack of horses, Ivanka!”

And he did.

And now, back in the Oval Office, staring at his desk with his one working eye. He remembered the rest of those lyrics and he knew that this scar wouldn’t heal the way his face and legs did so many years ago. And he knew that he couldn’t nationalize the hotel and gaming industry because that was unfair. And he knew that Brando was the best and his death was everyones loss. And he understood that you couldn't always get what you wanted, even if you wanted it really, really badly. And that was just fine. And the first thing he did after the doctors patched up his eye socket was delete that tweet.