#HHHHHH AAAAAAAAH!!!!

[shokujin-art]

You could just have said you want them all!! I would be happy to show off ALL of them like this~

Thank you for your lovely words and affection!

AAAAaaaah — !!! My heart it's so hecking cute !!! I didn't want to give you more work by saying all of them knowing you did want to draw something 😭😭 ! Thank you so much Dollya hhhhhh going to squeeze it lovingly 💖💖

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Texting & Tamarins

Cries of pain, the smell of a sickroom, the blank faces of the attendants, Jane’s cries of frantic agony, the helplessness, the fear-

  Joan’s eyes snapped open.

  No sickroom, no dying woman. Just her own cabin.

  She curled up into a ball and lay there, shivering.

  Instinctively, she reached for her phone.

  ‘R U awake?’

  Maggie teased her about using text speak but it was so much simpler when she was in a hurry. Such as now.

  The answer pinged back almost immediately: no.

  The response made her whole body sink with relief- Maggie was awake, it was all ok- and she was already starting to key in her response when she stopped herself. Maggie had said no, after all. And she HAD- very nicely- asked Joan to try to keep from texting her after midnight, in the interest of good sleep hygiene (or as she had phrased it- ‘I love you but it better be an emergency or I’m not going to have gotten enough sleep to not kill someone’.)

  Did this count as an emergency?

  True they hadn’t hashed out the finer details….but still, probably not.

  She pushed her phone back under her pillow and curled up again.

  It was fine. She’d just go to sleep and tell Maggie about the dream in the morning.

  Except.

  She just couldn’t switch off.

  The cabin felt….extra dark, somehow. More sinister. Usually, it was her bolthole from the sometimes chaotic and often crowded rest of the ship. Now though, it felt unfamiliar. Try as she might, she couldn’t shake the absolutely ridiculous feeling that there was someone there with her- there, or just outside the door…

  She rolled herself into her blankets, which helped for about thirty seconds...but then she felt just as vulnerable as before. Vulnerable- and alone. The fear that there was someone creeping up on her was mixed somehow with the feeling that she was the only one awake on the entire ship, and even though logically she knew that wasn't true, the thought made her feel oddly lonely. She thought of the sleeping ship- and of the bleak empty ocean surrounding them- and her eyes stung with tears.

  Rolling onto her stomach, she started to cry very quietly into her pillow, hating herself at the same time for being so pathetic. Even the knowledge that she’d feel like an idiot in the morning didn’t help dissipate the horrible feeling of desolation building in the pit of her stomach.

  Alone….all alone….

  The quiet knock on the door made her freeze, heart suddenly pounding. Someone was outside, She lay there, too afraid to even breathe, straining her ears- would they try the next door, or would they stick to hers? She was suddenly seized with a terrible fear that she’d forgotten to lock her door behind her- they locked automatically, of course, but what if something had malfunctioned, what if it hadn’t closed properly, what if-

  ‘Joan?’

  It was Maggie.

  Relief flooded her at the familiar voice and she scrambled out of bed, stubbing her toe in her hurry to open the door.

  As she did, her previous fears felt especially foolish- the corridor was lit as it always was, she could even faintly hear the sounds of other people still moving around. 

She surreptitiously brushed her damp face with the sleeve of her pajama top, hoping Maggie wouldn’t notice anything amiss and she’d be able to escape with her dignity (such as it was) intact.

  ‘Why were you crying?’

  No such luck.

  ‘Um...I wasn’t?’

  Maggie raised an eyebrow and Joan felt her resolve crumbling- it was hard to obfuscate with someone as frustratingly blunt and straightforward as Maggie.

  ‘It’s stupid really, I just had a bit of a bad dream and when I woke up, I kept thinking that there was someone….there with me-’ It was ridiculous that even though she knew herself to be perfectly safe, actually verbalising it all made her throat ache and her eyes sting. ‘-like in the cabin or right outside, and I kept seeing, I kept seeing Jane, I kept seeing her screaming and I could smell the blood….and I was watching her die again….and it-’ A sob tore itself, unbidden, from her throat. ‘It was just really lonely and scary-’

  She was pathetic, she knew it- to be whining like a child, after nothing worse than a dream, bothering Maggie no less. She’d been speaking to her bare feet and she was reluctant to even look up and face the guitarist- she didn’t want to see Maggie’s blank inscrutable look, her distinctly-underwhelmed face, the one she showed to audience members who complained, to passers by who passed remarks on her height, to anyone who was dismissive of the importance of the band to the success of the whole show. 

  She didn’t want to see the unimpressed stare Maggie was surely greeting her teary rambling explanation with- so it was a surprise when instead of being questioned or scolded as she expected, she felt herself being pulled into Maggie’s warm arms.

  ‘Hey, it’s ok-’ Despite being several inches shorter, Maggie still managed to exude a surprisingly protective feel. Like she would tear the throat out of anyone who tried to get too close. ‘It’s all ok-’

  ‘I’m sorry-’

  ‘Don’t apologise, you’re fine-’

  She sniffled into the shoulder of Maggie’s hoody, feeling humiliated but also comforted. 

  ‘I’m sorry I woke you up, I know it’s late-’

  ‘That’s ok, it’s ok.’ Maggie pulled back enough to look her in the eye. ‘I did say you could call me in emergencies.’

  ‘I don’t think this counts as an emergency…’

  Maggie shrugged. ‘Hey, anything that makes you cry on me in a corridor is an emergency in my book, right? I’m glad you texted.’

  ‘I stopped texting because I felt bad about disturbing you-’

  ‘Well, I mean you’d already woken me up by that point-’

  Fresh tears welled in Joan’s eyes and Maggie squeezed her hand.

  ‘Joke. Honestly, you could have carried on texting, I wouldn't have minded.’

  ‘Sorry for getting you out of bed though-’

  ‘It’s really, really ok-’ Maggie pulled Joan back into her, gently rubbing circles up and down her back. ‘Anyway, you didn’t get me out of bed, I just got….concerned when you didn’t text back so I thought I’d check on you and…..well, I was right!’

  Joan gave a watery chuckle at Maggie’s (for her) exaggeratedly self-congratulatory tone and burrowed in closer.

  ‘Now-’ There was a (small) smile in Maggie’s voice too- it vibrated in her throat where Joan’s face was buried. ‘Let’s get you back to bed and warmed up a bit- you’re shivering-’

  Joan wasn’t entirely sure if the tremors were entirely due to the night chill of the corridor or not but she didn’t feel like arguing. The adrenalin of everything was starting to wear off; she stifled a yawn.

  Maggie nudged her back towards the half open cabin door. ‘Get your pillow first- I’m done with you stealing mine in the middle of the night like you usually do…. if I go to medical with a stiff neck again, they’re going to think I’ve got an actual problem-’

  Pillow in hand, Joan joined Maggie in the corridor again.

   Maggie looked at her without speaking.

  ‘What?’

  She kept staring.

  ‘What?’

  Maggie sighed. ‘God, you’re actually going to make me say it, aren’t you? Go get your monkey thing or whatever it is. And there I was trying to be all tactful and shit-’

  ‘......she’s a tamarin.’

  There was no point trying to deny anything, after all; face burning slightly, Joan reentered the cabin with as much poise as she could muster and scooped up the slightly worn creature from where it had fallen to the floor, hiding it behind the pillow in her arms so it wouldn’t be seen in the corridor.

  ‘You don’t need to be all weird about it-’ Maggie went on as they started down the hall to her cabin. ‘As if I care that you have a stuffed marmoset or whatever- it’s not like you’re the only one-’

  Hope flared in her chest. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah, Bessie sleeps with a flick knife under her pillow-’

  ‘That’s….not really the same thing….Also she’s a tamarin….’

  ‘Meh, flick knife, marmoset. Marmoset, tamarin, Potato, potahto-’

  Maggie swiped open the door of her cabin- the faint smell of (strictly forbidden) incense and (even more strictly forbidden) cigarettes enveloped them.

  Other cast members had complained about the permanence of the aroma of both contraband items but to Joan, the cabin smelled of safety.

  ‘Get comfy. And hands off my pillow, remember.’

  Maggie pulled back at the covers and motioned for Joan to get in first before climbing in after her. It was a tight squeeze but, with the wall on one side and the warm shape of Maggie next to her, Joan felt safer than she had all night. There was just no way anyone- even the most determined intruder- would be able to get past Maggie.

  Maggie’s thoughts were obviously running in the same direction. Clicking off the light, she wrapped an arm around Joan’s stomach and pulled her in close. Her breath tickled the back of her neck.

  ‘You’re ok now. I’ve got you.’

  ‘I know.’ She yawned again. Somehow in Maggie’s cabin, the dark and quiet felt soothing rather than threatening. ‘Thanks, Maggie.’

  ‘You don’t have to say thank you, you know.’

  ‘I know but-’ She struggled to find the words. ‘You came and you didn’t have to, I woke you and disturbed you, and it wasn’t even for a good reason and-’ She could feel herself getting worked up again.

  ‘Shhh.’ Maggie pressed closer to her; her hand found Joan’s in the dark and squeezed it gently. ‘It’s ok. Go to sleep. Dream some nice dreams. Dream about tamarins or some shit.’

  ‘But-’

  ‘Shhh.’ A kiss was pressed between her shoulder blades. ‘It’s all ok. I love you. Just rest.’ There was a pause. ‘Slight addendum to that- it’s all still ok and I still love you but if you don’t move your monkey thing to your side of the bed, it’s going on the floor-’

  ‘....it’s a tamarin.’

  Joan drifted to sleep to the sound of Maggie’s quiet laughter.

[floralbfs]

when you're supposed to meet her tomorrow for the first time in a year but she won't answer your text trying to make solid plans further than "is the day after tomorrow good?" and you want to send more but you don't want to be overbearing and you know she's not good at answering texts but your anxiety is flaring up and you feel like she doesn't want to even see you but she said she did but she's not doing anything to try harder at meeting you and-

[blad-693]

Je suis une malade... Une timbrée... Une folle !

Pourquoi diable est ce que j'avais besoin d'inviter des femmes au the un Dimanche en plus !

Bon... Pour demain g le déjeuner... G le diner... Pour après demain j'ai nada. Je pourrais faire des quiches au poulet. Donc ça c réglé. Mais il faut que ça cuise le Dimanche. Si je sors à 11h15 Et que je rentre à la maison à 11h30 j'aurais le temps de préparer une béchamel si tour est déjà prêt à l'avance et à mettre au four pour 20~30min les quiches... Pour les sortir au moins 20 min avant que papa rentre à la maison. S'il rentre à 13h Ça reste possible.

Mais des quiches ça ne fait pas un repas. On fait avec de la soupe de légumes ? Mais j'ai l'impression de faire trop de soupes. Je fais une salade de pommes de terre et de carottes. Je peux laver et couper les légumes aujourd'hui... Comme ça dès que je met les quiches au four je met les légumes à cuire à la vapeur. Mais ça sera juste. Je serai hyper serrée.

Et pour les invités... Je vais mettre du jus et des salés. Bon je ne vais pas préparer du jus maison. Je ne suis pas ma mère. Je vais préparer des mini pizzas aujourd'hui. Et j'aurais aimé faires des cornets mais les quiches aussi c une bonne idée. Donc il faudra en sacrifier 4 pour le thé. Ensuite j'enchaîne avec du thé. Alors Vendredi je ne sais plus si c hier ou aujourd'hui... J'ai fait un gâteau au chocolat qui est super bon et du cake. Mais le gâteau au chocolat est trop bon pour aller avec le p'tit dej de papa... Et le cake je le garde... Je n'ai rien en cas où je coince.

Donc je ne sais pas quoi mettre à mes invités. Je peux faire une tarte aux poires. Je n'ai plus d'ananas et ça me coûte trop cher d'en acheter. Une tarte aux poires alors. Sinon une tarte au chocolat. Mais ma pate est un poil trop salé. Aaaaaaaaaaah je vais péter un câble. Bon... Pourquoi diable est ce que je me casse la tête autant ?? Je ne peux pas me permettre d'acheter des gâteaux. Je vais faire des croquets et des maqrouts... Hhhhhh ahhhh mais ne n'ai pas que ça à faire... Je ne suis pas une femme au foyer... Je vais mettre du pop corn avec des cokes zero. LoL... Je vais mettre des choux farcis à la crème pâtissière et des mini msemens au miel... Fe toutes façons il faudra achert el msemen pour Vendredi prochain. Punaise je coince. Qu'est ce qui existe comme gateau à part aaaaaaaaah je vais faire un roulé au chocolat et aux poires non aux bananes non aux amandes et de la temina ça ne va pas ensemble yak ? Bon... El temina rasmi... Puisque ça se prepare en express. Oh dommage j'aurais aimé faire el rwina. Bon... Temina avec mon gâteau au chocolat ? Nooon... Bon... On ne peut pas inviter des gens pour manger el tamina... Maman n'a jamat fait ça. Mais elle faisait toujours des trucs trop compliqués et des tables trop pleines. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah je ne sais pas quoi faire. Je dois aller dormir demain g une journée de malade. Punaise ne n'ai plus de weekend. Je n'ai plus de repos. Je dois dormir la nuit.

Bon je baisse les bras. J'appelle maman demain pour lui demander quoi faire. Et je prépare tout demain. Et je dois étudier. Je ne fais ni la maison ni la cuisine ni le chat. Demain je prépare le déjeuner du Dimanche et le thé du dimanche et j'espère que papa ira à Alger le Dimanche... Comme ça je n'aurais pas à m'occuper du déjeuner... Sinon je ne crois pas que les quiches soient jne bonne idée... Elles sont trop grandes. Ça veut dire que je dois préparer une autre pâte pour les quiches. Je vais mourir. Je n'ai pas sommeil... On va étudier ? Non je suis claquée. Mon cerveau est saturé. Je ne suis bonne à rien. Je ne peux pas annuler. J'ai besoin d'avoir des femmes avec qui prendre le the. Ja'i besoin de me sentir femme. Sinon voilà. Je voue la carte de la simplicité. J'achète un fruit et je fais une tarte aux fruits. Une bonne pate... Une bonne crème pâtissière traditionnelle on ne fait pas d'expériences... Des fruits... Mais qu'est ce qu'il y a comme fruit dans cette période ? On fait une tarte aux pommes... On fait caraméliser des pommes bon... Voila c bon... Une bonne tranche de tarte aux pommes. et le tour est joué. Ni temina ni gâteau au chocolat wala houm yahzanoun. Aujourd'hui je prépare ma béchamel et les legumes et les plateaux et je dois prévenir zahra. Je vais exploser. Je veux disparaitre. Je veux avoir un double Samedi. Je dois aller dormir sinon j'aurais une moitié de Samedi.

Voilà Voilà. On joue la carte de la simplicité. Mais ça ne me donne pas un style que je voudrais me donner... Je voudrais etre une femme raffinée. Ça ne sera pas le cas.

Bon... On s'en fout... Hein... On dira que ça viendra avec le temps.

Je veux disparaitre.

Demain on fait la connerie de MR sur Latex. Et les conneries de Robotique sur Matlab puis sur Latex. Et si on termine. On fait du VHDL. Bon. Pour le VHDL... Je crois que je suis quand même larguée... Et que ne vais avoir besoin de temps. Je ne sais même plus par où commencer le document que le prof à envoyer pour y mettre mes formules. Ou si je dois direct attaquer... Non c pas grave une autre semaine de retard en VHDL c pas bien méchant.

Je dois me trouver un binôme en SCADA elle fera le délire de téléchargement et tout. Mok je m'occupe de la programmation et de la rédaction. Mon PC est surchargé et je n'ai pas le temps de mettee de l'ordre. Bon... Il faut que ce soit une fille Pour que je puisse la ramener à la maison pour avancer vite et à l'aise. Punaise si on était dans une société qui se respecte j'aurais pu proposer à une personne qui est compétante. Je suis sexiste je dis que les personnes compétentes sont des mecs. Bon. Je sais à qui demander d'etre mon binôme. Je devais la contacter demain.

Si elle veut je lui installe même le logiciel sur son pc. Si elle vient à la maison Lundi. Lundi après les cours. On fait ça. Voilà ça me fait une superbe vie sociale tout ça.

Ça sera bien.

Euuum... Commande Avancée. Ça promet d'être problématique si je continue à accumuler du retard. Bon. Pour l'instant je suis à jour en Vision, MR, SCADA, Traitement d'images. J'ai besoin de le rester. Et d'avancer vite en robotique je peux le faire. Ça sera l'objectif de la semaine. Puis en Commande et en VHDL en dernier. J'espère que je n'ai oublié aucun module ah... Si SED bon... Pour l'instant je suis à jour parce que le prof est à côté de la plaque. Bon je m'en fiche. Je ne peux pas me payer le luxe de bosser sur ce module pour l'instant. Je suis dépassée.

Bon... Qu'est ce que j'ai comme autres modules ? G fait le tour.

Je met la barre haute. Aaaaaaaah g mon mémoire !!!

Aaaaaaah je vais pleurer là. Je suis nulle. Je ne devrais pas me permettre. Siiii je dois tojt me permettre j'en suis à la hauteur.

Aller dodo maintenant. On va se faire un film et on dormira. Là je suis surexcitée je ne pourrai jamais me calmer toute seule. Même pas avec un livre audio. C'est vrai que ça fait longtemps que j'ai arrêté les livres audio je devrais reprendre... Non... Je devais reprendre la lecture tout court. Ça fait longtemps que je n'ai pas lu de bouquins. Depuis que j'ai arrêté les activités avec le club de littérature depuis que j'ai eu jn Petit copain... LoL il ne se considérait pas jn Petit copain. C'était quoi déjà ? L'homme de ma vie. Bon. Soudainement je suis assommée.