#Half of it is nostalgia bait and the other half is the most poorly written trash ever

[heart-of-a-rebel16]

I’m going to kick David Filoni’s face in

[heartsyhawk]

A friend knew I've had a rough go of things lately and took me out to see a movie. It was Star Wars. And it was so bad you guys.

My thoughts:

(I cannot figure out how to do the read more cut on mobile like normal so sorry about spoilers)

1. For the first 1/2~3/4 of the movie I literally felt nothing. No amusement, no curiosity, no anger, no excitement, nothing at all. My literal only actual emotion was "oh no this bag of beef jerky was very small actually and it's gone now."

2. The first actual feelings I had to anything was Leia's death. I cried but not for the reasons the movie wanted me to. It was a reminder that Carrie Fisher died, and that she died because the people in charge of this story did not value or take care of her and in fact actively pur the strain on her heart that led to her death by forcing her to lose a quarter of her body weight. I cried because I was angry. And Sad. Because Carrie Fisher deserved better and Leia deserved better and she should be here with us now, joining John Boyega and Oscar Issac in trash talking the absolute tire fire that movie was and living her life.

3. Look I know it's not fair to hold redemption arcs against the gold standard that Zuko's was but I cannot help it. (On a scale of Kylo Ren to Zuko how narratively satisfying was your angsty character's redemption and joining the protagonists side to fight the big bad...) I don't care about Ben/Kylo. There's absolutely no reason to, other than his mom and Dad are two of the most iconic and beloved characters in fiction. His character added nothing, accomplished nothing, improved nothing from a narrative perspective. You could completely remove every trace of him from the entire trilogy with barely any let alone a significant change to the story. Considering how important the story wanted him to be that is...not a great statement.

4. Not thrilled with anything they did to Poe (unrelated side note: my phone really wants his name to be Pie). I'm not the voice to speak loudest on this obviously but it seemed they reduced him to several stereotypes each uglier than the last.

5. They did Rose so dirty. But on the flip side it ironically means that Rose didn't get as mishandled and poorly written as other characters in the movie.

6. Okay so I really actually liked the message "they win by making us feel alone" or whatever. That's a good message, very well times in the grand scheme of things and also words I needed to hear and think.

7. The Resistance Battle at the end was good. It felt Star Wars. It felt more like the narrative end to a saga. Just not...one that included The Last Jedi or the first half of this movie. Does that make any sense? It left me feeling like I should have seen more of Finn's journey as a (Force Sensitive!) Storm Trooper Deserter who found out a whole squad did what he did. And for a wild moment my brain suggested going back and finding the breadcrumbs about Palpatine. But...there aren't any? I should feel something anything about Hux but that plotpoint came so far out of left field so fast it was over before you could process it and thus carries no emotional weight.

8. Did not care for the end on Tatooine. That was nostalgia bait for fans with no gravity whatsoever for Rey or her Story. If I had been a writer or director on this project (<strike>it would have been so different</strike> I would have ended it with the big hug between Poe Finn and Rey maybe with the Rey Skywalker name there or maybe with her embracing her identity and how it's not her destiny. Or maybe I would have had her training new Jedi or force sensitives and Finn to use their abilities and listen to the Force. Or something.

9. That movie ran 142 minutes and it absolutely felt like it up until the last maybe 25 minutes plus the credits. It was slow moving and disjointed. It genuinely feels like a rushed early draft that would have benefitted from a continuity editor and also a child to point out major issues.

I will *never* watch this movie again. And I say that as someone who cosplayed to showings of the Prequels, has four separate articles of licensed Star Wars clothing for my dog, and has had Amidala as the intended middle name for my first born daughter since I was 12. If you haven't seen it, my advice is do not. It is not fun. It is not a well told story.