#I DONT HAVE A KINK IM JUST REALLY LONELY AND INSECURE

[weeping-aconite]

25 posts!

[blazing--stars]

im gonna tentatively try and figure this out a little through writing it down but i feel like the more i try to put it into words the more it slips away from me. i think its best to maybe work backwards

so ive been really enjoying moments where im spoiled and treated affectionately and sweetly and ive been really wanting them more and at first i was like oh new kink or something maybe, praise/pillow prince fuckin whatever etc.

but the more i think about it the more it feels. connected. to other things. i feel like it comes down to independence and loneliness and also the loneliness that comes from independence

independence - ive had to be independent from a young age for a variety of reasons including but not limited to: dad becoming disabled, mom being a bit more absent occasionally, trauma making me withdraw and prefer to take care of things myself rather than expose myself - could i have reached out or asked for help more? sure and maybe thats on me. but when your emotional needs and the things you ask for help with are often ignored you kind of learn to stop trying, or that its not worth the trouble when it gets someone annoyed with you. it could feel like needing something was making me a nuisance or a target for the frustration of other people in my life, so you just learn to figure it out - (i feel guilty for "not appreciating the things my family did for me" because they did do things for me but i did always feel pressure to handle it myself due to the way things were and how everyone is as a person. you cant brush off a person asking for help and then get mad when i dont want to ask for help)

loneliness - i would feel lonely because i would isolate myself out of fear to keep myself safe. i would feel lonely because if i had concerns a lot of the time they were thrown back at me or i ended up having to handle it. i learned to not re - something something insecure childhood attachment just makes me incredibly lonely because i didnt feel emotionally fulfilled or secure or safe - losing my parents and dads side of the family makes this extremely alone, makes me feel like i am losing everyone i have and have no one - i know i have friends both around here and not but because its so difficult to actually organize seeing each other i feel very alone - i dont get to see morgan as much because of their job and im alone in my house almost all the time - ive realized that im actually an extrovert and really want and need to spend time with other people regularly and now knowing this makes it less bearable to be alone all the time

indep + lon - i use my independence to shut people out because no one will help me so ill just do it all myself - i dont trust that people will actually follow through or do something correctly if they offer to help me so i dont like to accept it making me more lonely

im trying so hard to carve out more of this but i think tldr i really just want somebody else to take control of the things in my life and do everything for me and say "dont worry about it ill take care of it and figure it out" because im so tired of having to be so independent and manage everything on my own and also give me a lot of attention so im not chronically lonely all the time and i can feel like im loved and emotionally fulfilled and i think instead of this being a new kink it is actually just super trauma related and maybe i need to figure that out a little bit

[ixxixixxi]

fuk

my best friend now is telling me how shes eating kiwi and she may be mildly allergic to it but she likes it anyway and it reminded me of my best friend in 8th grade who i was mildly in love with who would eat oranges but she was def allergic and her mouth would get blotchy and sting and her tongue would get itchy and she’d run around fanning at herself but liked oranges too much to stop and im pretty sure the first time i saw her do that was idk if the first but def one of the most memorable memories i have of her i think because i realized i was def in love with her and wanted to kiss her but sdkjfhshjdfsf obviously my repressed little ass did Not do that bc i just am not sjdhfshdf someone who wants to tell people i like that i like them esp not her but anyway i shdjfhsdf 

i just got rly sad and then it also really does not help that lately ive been wondering like am i also kind of in love with this friend???? i dont know i genuinely dont know??? sometimes im like no theres no way bc its just not the same as jhdfshjd with other people but at the same time the two times im somewhat certain i was in love before didnt feel exactly the same either but this i mean with this friend i ?? am i repressing my own feelings, am i too scared to let myself feel that?? i dont know and if i did feel that would i want to tell her I DEFINITELY DONT know about that either 

and like one of my biggest fears is it turning out that im just lonely and pushed romanticized daydreams onto her bc shes like the only person i talk to and if that was the case i could never tell her that and hurt her somehow or make things weird bc like a few years ago she tolkd me shdjsahds shjdsad hsshdjhshdh yknow........ she felt that ffffff for me but we dhfsjhd i was i  was just i literally at the time wasnt even processing romantic feelings like i was just rejecting them left and right whenever i felt them and not letting myself think abt that stuff at all and i literally was going through a crisis like am i ace?? am i just aromatnic?? but since then i think i settled on the fact that i probably am not aro im def bi in p much all aspects but i have so much anxiety and intimacy issues bc of my garbage father that the idea of someone else liking me makes me want to be sick a little bit.... which is something i still have not let myself think too hard about bc i feel like itll open an entirely new part of my insecure brain that i dont want to face probably...BUT ANYWAY. 

flirting is so good and fun but its also awful bc it makes me like people and then the thought of them liking me genuinely and not just joking around makes my stomach turn and idk if its in a bad way or good way yknow?? i remember there was also this girl i liked before (ok what the hell i swear i typically like guys more and end up crushing on them more often than girls but all my crisis’ are over girls....why? also idk why im so fixated on which gender i like more often when im still attracted to literally anyone regardless of gender despite gender factoring into how my attraction feels....is this internalized biphobia) who as soon as she proclaimed her love 2 me i was immediately shaken and couldnt talk to her out of fear AND ALSO like she was sort of manipulative and awful sometimes which led to me not liking her but still the fact that as soon as she said she liked me i felt sick and scared and like couldnt speak to her why. why????

anyway what was i saying oh yeah idk THE FRUIT THIGN. it made me sad. it reminded me of when i realized i loved my 8th grade best friend and lately ive already been thinking about if im in love with this best friend or if im just hdfjhsfd i dont know i dont know what the fuck WOULDNT I KNOW FOR SURE THO if i was like wouldnt it be a definite yes or no? so since it not that must mean im not and im just being dhfjsdhf weird right?? am i just feeling extra gay lately and am projecting it on her? do i just want attention??? 

i dont know what the fuck is going on but i care abt this friend way too much to fucking mess with her emotions in any way and like i dhjfhjdf when she talks about this guy she liked i would get jealous sometimes but im not a very jealous person so its not like jshdhjsf intense jealousy but is that bc i dont rly like her and im just jealous of her giving attention and wanting to talk all the time to someone else OR am i jealous bc she liekd him i genuinely DONT KNOW? bc like sometimes i wouldnt be jealous tho except i still would be but hjsdjhsdf i dont know. do you see? i cant even understand my own intentions behind feelings. also like when things were going poorly between them i would get rly upset for her and definitely not happy about them not getting along, not even a little bit and if i liked her wouldnt i be glad shes talking to me instead of him? not rly tho bc 1 i would never want someone i like in any way be it romantic or platonic to be on bad terms with someone they care about, even if it benefits me somehow or makes them hang out with me more, thatd be awful and i get why other people feel that way sometimes but im grateful that i dont, and 2 i dont get jealous that way, the only time i get jealous is if someone is completely changing their attention from me to another person entirely, but if i still have some of their attention and theyre also friends/into/etc someone else its not rly an issue at all for me but is that bc thats just how my jealousy works?? or would it be different if i did love her in that way aND LIKE AM I CONFUSIGN romantic love with platonic love and ?? what the fuck

the thing is with a romantic partner i’d mostly just wanna do platonic things anyway?? and the only time i think of s** is in relation to my kinks which is weird i guess but shdfsjhdf i dont picture anything like that with someone i’d be romantically attracted to...do i? i dont know? ive never thought about it? in all my daydreams/fantasies/etc whoever im involved with s*xually hasnt ever been anyone specific just like a mix of everything im attracted to but isnt that normal? but then again love was definitely not involved in any of those fantasies, oh god. then again thats just ?? stuff in my head its not an indicator of what i’d like or be like in reality right with another person I >SDF?SDF SD?F AAAA what the fuck. 

maybe all of this will become clearer to me when i move the fuck out and am able to be myself and think clearly without worrying about what my idiot parents or brother will say abt anything i express. then again moving out seems like it will be another lifetime away, it doesnt even seem like a possibility right now which makes me want to fckn kneel over and die. AAAAA WHATEVER BYE

what the fucdjksdcsdkjsd i hate being a person with weird undecipherable emotions i wish i was a fucking dog or raccoon or god damn ROCK 

[kadywicker]

answer all of them

jfC afjasdfFASDF

under a read more bc its a Lot

The meaning behind my url: darth vader lmao

A picture of me: here’s my face tag

How many tattoos i have and what they are: i have 2. i have one on my left shoulder and it’s a four eyed sphynx cat, and another one on my right forearm thats the solar system

Last time i cried and why: to be honest w u i dont even remember but it was probably during some show

Piercings i have: none

Favorite band: arctic monkeys

Biggest turn offs: d*ddy kink is a huge fucking no. no no no.

Top 5 (insert subject): didnt specify fasdf

Tattoos i want: so many fasdfasdf. i want a rlly colorful octopus like this one. i want one that says ivory and rose. i want one of a tree on my back. i want this one of the falcon.

Biggest turn ons: uuuh rather not say bc its personal fasdfsf 

Age: 18

Ideas of a perfect date: any date i’ve been on w @benkcnobi

Life goal: u kno thats a good question and i need one. just be happy ig

Piercings i want: none

Relationship status: engaged to @benkcnobi

Favorite movie: sw movies, princess bride, neverending story, dirty dancing, ferris bueller, but im a cheerleader, rocky horror

A fact about my life: uuuuuuh i once had a cat named spider man

Phobia: SPIDERS

Middle name: james

Height: 5′2

Are you a virgin? nooo

What’s your shoe size? 9 and a half

What’s your sexual orientation? les. lesbiab. lesbean. lesbb.b  girls.

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs? i drink sometimes but not the other two

Someone you miss: @benkcnobi :(

What’s one thing you regret? a lot of shit but tbh my biggest regret on this planet is when i went through a bacon phase and now i cant touch bacon (in reality i have worse regrets but im not oversharing today)

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive: lupita nyong’o also gina rodriguez 

Favorite ice cream? im not a big fan of ice cream fasdfa

One insecurity: my weight rip me

What my last text message says: its a hc thread abt han/luke w avery fasdfasdf

Have you ever taken a picture naked? yes fasdf

Have you ever painted your room? yep!

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex? yes :)

Have you ever slept naked? all the goddamn time bc my asd self hates the sensory shit of sleeping w clothes

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror? yes

Have you ever had a crush? of course

Have you ever been dumped? eyep

Have you ever stole money from a friend? nope

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? not that i can recall??? i mean unless u count my fiances dad and them picking me up at the airport and i hadnt met their dad yet before so i guess

Have you ever been in a fist fight? not really

Have you ever snuck out of your house? no

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? oh for sure

Have you ever been arrested? no

Have you ever made out with a stranger? nooope

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? uuuuh this is so vague famsdfadsf no i guess? ive been dropped off at a dudes house before but we didnt rlly meet up anywhere

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents? yeah

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor? at some point

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun? no

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? no but ive fallen asleep on avery in the car does that count

Have you ever seen someone die? no thank fuck

Have you ever been on a plane? yes

Have you ever kissed a picture? yeah when i was a kid i think

Have you ever slept in until 3? oh yes

Have you ever loved someone or miss someone right now? yes ive loved someone and yes i miss my fiance fasdf

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? yep!

Have you ever made a snow angel? yes

Have you ever played dress up? yes

Have you ever cheated while playing a game? yes

Have you ever been lonely? of course

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school? oh yeah

Have you ever been to a club? no

Have you ever felt an earthquake? no

Have you ever touched a snake? yes

Have you ever ran a red light? i dont drive

Have you ever been suspended from school? no

Have you ever had detention? no

Have you ever been in a car accident? no

Have you ever hated the way you look? every goddamn day of my life

Have you ever witnessed a crime? yeah

Have you ever pole danced? no

Have you ever been lost? yep

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country? yeah

Have you ever felt like dying? oh for sure

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep? yep

Have you ever sang karaoke? yes

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? of course

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? yep

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger? uuuuuuuuh noooot consensually ???? so ? no???? ig??

Have you ever kissed in the rain? nope

Have you ever sang in the shower? yes

Have you ever made out in a park? no

Have you ever dreamed that you married someone? yes

Have you ever glued your hand to something? i’m sure

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? no

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked? NO???

Have you ever been a cheerleader? no

Have you ever sat on a roof top? yes

Have you ever brushed your teeth? im really honest to god hoping that no ones ever answered no to this

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? i hate watching them alone

Have you ever played chicken? no

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? no

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? yeah

Have you ever broken a bone? yes in fact my toe is currently broken

Have you ever been easily amused? yeah

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried? yes

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone? no

Have you ever cheated on a test? yes

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name? of course

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real? yeah

give us one thing about you that no one knows. honestly i dont know fasdfasdf