#I FEEL LIKE I ARTICULATED MY THIUGHTS POORLY I WILL PROBABLY YELL MORE ABT THIS LATER BC THERES JUST SO MUCH I CABT FUCKING. FUCK

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

why do i get my best ideas when my head hurts too much to write them down 😭😭

thinking abt this again btw

"Take care of everyone / Except for those that care for you / But it's fine, they don't mind / Cause they know you're a fuck"

poison's always known they'd die for something bigger than themself. when they started fighting in this revolution against the city, they swore that this was their end, their cause, this was what they would give their life to if it meant securing a future for the world free from bl/ind. take care of everyone. protect everyone. die for everyone. that's what they chose. now im thinking about the effects of that on their crew, specifically kobra.

like. he's part of a war, alongside almost everybody he knows, and this whole time he's sitting here watching his sibling destroy themself for it, convinced they have to die for this cause, this fight, he's watching poison give everything to something that will never give back, if they die here, they die, and that's enough for them but it's not enough for kobra. why should they give what little they have to this fight if there's no guarantee it'll pay off? im imagining him and poison getting into a fight abt it now and all i can think about is "what happens if you die for this and it doesn't end?"

because. well shit. what if you promised everything, gave everything, what if you pledged yourself until your last breath for this and it didn't work

first of all "why do i always get my best ideas when my head hurts too much to write them down" LITERALLY ME NEVER RELATED TO A SINGLE SENTENCE MORE THAT IS THE CENTRAL QUESTION THAT MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND

anyways uh. kaz. QHY THE FUCK WOUDL YOU SAY THSI TO ME RN YOU DONT UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING FREIGHT TRAIN OF THOUGHTS THAT JUST CRASHES INTO MY BRAIN ONCE AGAIN UR A FUCKING GENIUS AND IM SCREAMING

fucking just. im thinking abt the city yk? im obsessed with the idea of party doing everything in their power to protect kobra from being labeled as the "problem child" by purposefully acting out, making bigger scenes whenever kovra does something "wrong", ripping the attention away from him so hell be safe from punishment. and now im thinking about kobra watching them do this for years and begging them to stop once he understands what theyre doing because why are you hurting yourself to "protect" me when i never asked for your protection in the first place

and then they get out to the zones and everythings better and everythings worse and they both fucking hate each other but at the same time they literally cant handle being apart for more than a few hours. and kobra feels smothered, like hes being controlled again and this time its worse because now hes being held back by the person he thought was always gonna try and save him. and he has to watch as their attention seemingly shifts; before at least when they were putting their everything into protecting kobra it was for kobra- someone who, despite his annoyance with it all, would at the end of the day understand why they did it and at least be grateful for the sentiment. back in the city they were fighting for someone they loved and who would always love them back, but now kobra has to watch them fucking kill themself in the name of this cause that couldnt give less of a shit about them! and maybe kobra feels betrayed because they went from protecting him from being controlled, to controlling him and wasting all the love that used to be for him to fighting for a future they both know theyll never live to see.

and of course they fight about this constantly. because kobra has no clue how to even begin verbalizing or explain all his feelings, and he is largely misinterpreting party as being "controlling" when they're still just trying to protect him. and party cant explain why they feel like this has to be their destiny, their purpose because god fucking dammit if they arent meant for this then they arent meant for anything at all-

and maybe the worst part is that kobra's kinda right. they die and nothing changes. a fucking DECADE passes and things only get worse. but also, maybe partys right because they all went in there, kobra included, ready to die to save their girlie, and she went on to finally break the world free. and even if she hadnt, they all still wouldve thought it worth it, all still wouldve marched in there and died like that anyways and i dont even know what im getting at here anymore. maybe the fact that kobra finally understands what party was getting at as he lays dying, just glad that shes getting out okay? but also mayabe the fact that the last thing he sees is partys corpse, and he probably dies just as angry as he is glad. because he fucking told them so and here they are anyways. after all the shit they put him through, everything they gave up, every sacrifice theyve ever made, they both still ended up dead in the fucking ground, in the city they both swore theyd never step foot in again