#I KNEW IT WAS GONNA PROBABLY BE A BAD IDEA BUT I GENUINELY COULDNT SEEM TO STOP MYSELF

[piplupod]

i think we should get an undo button in real life, because sometimes you do something on impulse and realize "ah. fuck." and theres just noooo undoing it

[brelione]

Please Dont Break My Heart Pt.1 (JJ Maybank X Reader)

Warnings:Not proof read,pretty much trash.

JJ would be lying if he said that he didnt have a thing for you.You were known pretty well as both a heartbreaker and a sweetheart.Neither of those really made sense,it was like trying to mix water and olive oil.It just couldnt happen.You were a kook but werent considered one of the bad ones that would stare in disgust at every pogue they saw.

You were actually known to be quite friendly with pogues,even dating a handful of them.You’d date someone for three months and then drop their asses with no explanation why.It was like clockwork.It seemed like you got bored easily,hopping from one boy to the next.

There was pretty much a line of boys,both kooks and pogues ready to shoot their shot,be yours for three months and then get their hearts broken.Unfortunately JJ could relate,wishing that you’d come up to him one day with that well known smile,shining eyes asking him to hang out sometime.He would consider himself lucky to even be so close to you,to hold your hand and touch your hair whenever he pleased.

Even if it only lasted three months and you were using him he wouldnt even care.He didnt even know why he wanted you so much or what he liked about you.He sat by a fire,Kiara and Pope within his view as he spoke to your most recent ex,a blonde boy named Dylan.He was sniffling,not understanding why you had left him.

John.B say next to JJ,interested in the conversation that was currently about you. “So what’s she like?Is she rude or like...I dunno.”JJ shrugged,trying to form his questions into actual words.Dylan huffed,staring into the flames. “No,man.She’s nice as hell and she’s funny and she dances around her living room and she likes to surf and bake and-and oh god I fucking miss her.”Dylan sobbed,wiping his tears.

JJ had heard the same story from eight guys,that you were sweet and genuine and how they thought they were different from the others until you broke them too.JJ felt bad for them of course but more than anything he wanted to know the reason for your constant heartbreaking and manipulating.He felt even worse because he wanted you to manipulate him.

He tried to listen to Dylan talk,zoning out eventually.Technically he was in the line of guys that were ready to have their heart broken and you probably knew that.That meant that he could be the next boy to be yours.It was wrong of him to think that way and he knew that.He had watched this pattern for two years now,waiting for his turn patiently and never daring to interfere but beginning to think about what would happen this time.He wanted this to be the best summer ever,to have a good time all the time.You could most definitely make this the best summer ever which meant that he needed to be number one in your line.

It had been a week since you broke Dylan’s heart.He was good to you,never yelled at you or treated you wrong.He let you take his hoodies and gave you forehead kisses and piggy back rides down the beach.You were his lockscreen and he was yours,doing whatever you wanted whenever you wanted,including braiding your hair for you and going for swims in your pool at three in the morning.

But he was getting too close to you and deep down you knew that nobody could be that perfect.You didnt want to hurt anyone which was why you let go of them so quickly and so easily,you’d hurt them more if you let them stick around.You didnt even know what your type was or if you even had one,you just needed something different.

You were definitely known for breaking peoples hearts which was definitely not a good reputation to have but it was better than being a drug dealer or a crackhead,both of which had been interested in you at one point.You wanted someone that was more like you,impulsive,excited,ready to try new things and have deep conversations at four in the morning.

You knew that none of the boys were really like that and you knew that they would just act like that in hopes of getting you to like them.There was only one boy that you could think of that fit what you wanted without pretending.That one boy was JJ Maybank.

You were nervous as hell to even look in his direction,knowing that he was probably disgusted by the thought of a rich,heartbreaking kook and wanted absolutely nothing to do with you.You had been single for a week,trying to figure out what to do about JJ.You didnt want to be with him and then leave him,you admired him far too much for that.

But you knew that you wanted to be with him.Kooks and Pogues would stare at you,drool practically falling from their lips as you walked by,waiting to see what you would do next.You sighed,scrolling through your phone,deciding to delete your photos of Dylan,pouting as you did so.You just had to hope that he was over by now,you had let him down gently anyways.

You got up off your bed,deciding to leave the house for the first time in three days,pulling on a black one piece bathing suit,a tshirt and shorts over it.It was 11 AM which meant the beaches wouldnt be crowded yet but luckily you knew your way around The Cut.That included the small rocky beaches that Dylan had shown you during a surfing trip to watch the sunset.

You got into your car,your surfboard already tied to the roof.You stopped at a Dunkin Donuts drive thru to grab a large iced coffee on the way,listening to your playlist as you drove to The Cut.You remembered Dylan taking you down a dirt road that was supposed to be covered in cement but never ended up happening.

You pulled onto the side of the road with a sigh,putting your phone in your backpack that contained a towel and a bag of m and m’s,swinging it over your shoulder and standing on your tip toes so you could pull your surfboard off the top,carrying it by your side as you walked down the dirt hills,coming out at the rocky surfing spot that was well hidden by trees.

JJ shocked himself when he woke up before noon,the others still asleep.He had sighed,debating on getting up or going back to sleep.He wasnt sure what made him want to go to the hidden surfing spot that was a good ten minute walk from John.B’s.He didnt know why he wanted to wiggle his toes in the small,smooth pebbles so badly.

He was already in his bathing suit from the night before,getting up and ditching the idea of surfing,just wanting to swim for a bit.His converse smacked off the dirt,trying his best not to slip and fall on his way down the hill,holding onto the trees for balance before landing onto the pebbles,eyebrows furrowing when he noticed another person was already here.He froze up when he realized it was you,laying on top of your surfboard that rested on the pebbles,arms crossed and eyes closed,not caring about the world.

He considered turning around and running away,grinning when he noticed you werent here with a boy.THat meant that you were still single and nobody was ready to pounce on him if he attempted to talk to you.Your head turned to look at him,scared for a moment when you thought he was Dylan. “JJ?”You asked curiously,sitting up to look at him at a proper angle.

He cussed,realizing it was too late to turn around now that you saw him.He grinned,walking towards you,looking down. “Yeah.”He answered,trying really hard not to grin,trying not to blush or back away out of embarrassment. “Hi.”You answered,staring up at him,not knowing what to say or do. “Hi.”He replied,sitting down on the pebbles across from you.

 “So like,what are you doing here?”He asked,trying to make conversation.He was probably the biggest flirt on the island and you were fantastic as manipulating and charming people.Why was this so hard? “I dont know,it’s just a nice day and I thought i’d surf but the waves suck today.”You shrugged,looking out at the calm,glittery water.He nodded,agreeing. “Yeah.You ever surf during a storm?”He asked,tugging at the hem of his shirt.

You grinned,nodding. “Yeah,I tried that once or twice.I wiped out and like,almost died so that sucks for me.The waves were pretty good though,not gonna lie.”You answered,remembering that adventure from a month back.Dylan was so worried the whole time,watching from the beach as you disappeared under the waves,coming back up a few moments later to gasp for air. 

“Yeah,same thing happened to me last year.I scraped my whole leg.”He admitted,trying his best not to stare at you.You turned on your surfboard,grabbing your coffee and taking a sip of it.He peeled at his fingernails,considering getting up and going into the water. “Was it worth it?”You asked,making him smile. “Um,yeah id say so.”He replied,his face becoming red. 

“I probably should’ve checked the weather before I left the house,its a really shitty day.I mean,before you got here obviously.”You took another sip of coffee,mixing the sugar at the bottom.He was a blushing mess,fighting the temptation to hide his face in his hands. “So um...where’s Dylan?”He asked,wanting to see how you’d react.You let out a sigh,biting the inside of your cheek. “It just wasnt meant to be,you know?”You asked,dissapointed when you realized he was probably just trying to get in your pants.

He nodded,understanding. “Yeah,I get that.How do you know when somethings meant to be?”He asked,slowly becoming more comfortable with you.You shrugged,not even knowing the answer.You had loved people before,you had loved all the people you had dated.You just werent in love with any of them.It just never felt right which definitely scared you.SOmetimes you wondered if you ever would love anyone like that. 

“I dont even know,dude.”You admitted,standing up on your surfboard,hopping onto the pebbles,taking off your shirt and shorts,feeling JJ’s eyes glued to you as you bent over to put your clothes into your bag. “But I do know that it’s hot as fuck out here and that water looks nice so im going to go drown.”You grinned before walking down to the water,going up to your hips,letting out a sigh of relief when your burning heels hit the cool water.

JJ admired you from a far,covering his face with his hands when your back was turned to him,grinning like a fucking idiot.He finally decided to get up and join you,pulling off his tank top and hat,dragging his feet through the cold water,standing next to you,glancing over at you every couple of minutes,trying to figure out what you were staring at that you found so interesting.

 “What are we looking at?”He asked,not seeing anything.You shrugged,wiggling your toes in the sand. “I dont know,just the clouds I guess.”You answered,looking up at him.He licked his lips,just watching you.He had never been physically close to you for longer than a minute or two even if he felt some sort of emotional connection to you since the moment he saw you.

It was a Saturday night at the beginning of June.A boneyard party was taking place,loud music,shitty beer,heated make out sessions and random games of truth or dare.Everyone was having a good time,doing whatever they pleased and getting absolutely fucking wasted.

JJ had been sipping a cup of beer,trying to listen to Pope when he heard laughter,turning to see where it was coming from.You were on Dylan’s back,your legs around his waist,arms wrapped around his shoulders,afraid you’d fall off.JJ couldnt take his eyes off of you the whole night,watching as you sat on Dylan’s lap,the boy leaving small kisses on your neck,forehead and cheeks.

It made JJ’s heart hurt,wishing it were him.On the other hand he almost wanted to yell at Dylan and call him an itiot for thinking he was different than your ex’s while another part of him wanted to yell at Dylan and try to figure out what made him so special that you spent so much time around him.JJ’s jaw clenched when he watched you kiss Dylan,wishing it were him that you were kissing.When you left the party you were wearing Dylan’s sweatshirt,holding the boys hand and probably going back to your place.

“How’d you find this place?It’s pretty well hidden.”He looked back at the empty beach,trying to figure out if you had walked because he hadnt seen your car.You looked down into the clear water,trying to figure out how far you’d be able to go without slipping under the water. 

“Uhh….Dylan showed it to me.”You replied,not wanting to make things too awkward.He nodded,not pushing any further. “I feel like Dylan didnt deserve you not gonna lie.”He admitted.Sure,he had spoken to Dylan before and thought he was an okay guy.He wasnt an asshole but he just wasnt worthy of you in JJ’s eyes.

You giggled quietly at the statement,shaking your head. “You barely know me,JJ.How do you know what I deserve?”You asked,genuinely curious for his answer.He pouted,eyebrows knitting together in frustration. “Alright,here’s what ive learned about you in like,the last fifteen minutes.”He began,a small smile on his face.You nodded,waiting for him to continue.

 “So,you like dunkin donuts,you like going on adventures for the experience and you dont really worry about consequences,you like to relax most of the time and I really want to get to know more about you.”He watched your puzzled expression,a nervous grin on his face. “You want to know more about me?How would you do that?”You asked,enjoying how nervous you could make him.

He glanced down to your lips,licking his own. “You know...a date.”He mumbled,chewing on his bottom lip. “You want to go on a date?What makes you worthy of that?”You teased,using his words against him.He rolled his eyes,looking down into the water. “I mean...I dunno,you’ll have to find out for yourself.Do you want to maybe go night swimming or something later tonight?I know a spot.”He offered,remembering the small waterfall that he had gone to with John.B and Pope last year.

You thought about it.JJ seemed sweet from what you knew but it would still be weird to go to a hidden area alone at night with someone you just met.But then again if things went south you could just kick him right in the dick. “Sounds like a date,Maybank.Just come by my house whenever,i’ll drive.”You told him,deciding that you should just leave.

There were no waves to surf or much to do so it would probably be wise to go back to your house and do your laundry and take a shower.His heart thumped in his chest,feeling a bit light headed at the thought of being yours.THere was no way this was real,he thought as he watched you walk from the water,swinging your backpack over your shoulder,getting your shoes on,holding your board and disappearing into the trees and out of his view.

He had rushed back to John.B’s,looking through every single shirt and every single pair of shorts that he had there,trying to find a good combination.He couldnt wait for John.B to wake up,shaking him by the shoulders until he was swatting the blonde’s hands away.

 “What?”He asked,sitting up in his bed. “Its my turn!”JJ exclaimed,not helping with the confusion. “What?”John.B asked again,making JJ sigh. “God,keep up!Its my turn to be hers!”JJ was far too excited for his tired friend,the words sounding like static. “Who?”John.B asked,not thinking.JJ rolled his eyes,grabbing his friend by the arm and into the guest room-JJ’s room.

 “Which outfit should I wear?”JJ asked,gesturing tot eh outfits he had laid out on the bed.He had waited over a year for this night,he shouldve prepared an outfit the moment he heard that you and Dylan had broken up. “I dont fuckin know.I dont know what girls are into.”John.B yawned,JJ’s eyes widened as he realised the problem,running into the living room to shake Kie back and forth.

 “What?”She grumbled,too tired to open her eyes. “God,fuck.”JJ cursed,throwing the girl over his shoulder and bringing her into the room,her shouts becoming annoying when he finally set her down. “Which one?”He asked,looking at the outfits.

 “For what?”She asked,looking down at the clothes. “Dammit!Im going on a date tonight and I cant mess this up.”He sighed,tugging at his hair.  “A date with who?”Kiara asked,not quite understanding.JJ wasnt the type to go on dates.What had changed? “(Y/N).”JJ answered,making Kiara’s heart drop. “Are you kidding?Come on,JJ.You know whats going to happen!”She exclaimed,her words changing nothing.

 “Does it really matter?”He asked,really just wanting to know what outfit to wear.Kiara smacked his arm,clearly mad. “Shes going to break you like she does to everyone!Why her out of all people?Cant you find a girl who’s not a play?You guys are just going to play eachother and hurt everyone!”She exclaimed,John.B nodding in agreement. “Oh,vomit!”JJ exclaimed,making the decision for himself,folding the clothes carefully and placing them on the bed.

 “Im serious,JJ!She’s gonna pretend to love you and then you’re gonna fall in love and then shes gonna break you and come running to us!”Kiara shouted,sighing loudly.JJ simply rolled his eyes,kicking his two friends out,deciding he no longer needed their opinions.He tried on the outfit,jean shorts and a gray kildare t shirt,figuring he could wear his red hat with it.

He was far too nervous for tonight.He had heard about you going on a date once only for it to go nowhere,never seeing the boy again.The boy was Max,a seventeen year old brunette that went to boneyard parties and had dropped out of highschool during junior year.JJ let his curiosity get the best of him,asking about it. “So how’d it go?”JJ had asked,sipping his beer.

Max sighed,shrugging his shoulders. “I think I was too nervous the whole time,she just wasnt really into me.She kissed me though so I think it was worth it.”Max grinned at the memory.JJ found himself thinking about you later that night as he always did,thinking differently this time.

He wanted to know what your kisses would feel like,if they were gentle or rough and where you would put your hands.He saw you kiss Dylan before,your hands in the pockets of the boys’ shorts or in his hair.JJ had imagined what that would feel like,even attempting to lucid dream but everyone knows he isnt patient enough for shit like that.

Night time came way too quick.He had showered,trying to make his hair nice for you even if he was going to place a hat on top of it anyways.His hands were gripping onto the bathroom sink tight,breathing in and out slowly,trying to remain calm before getting dressed,putting on all of his rings.

He knew where your house was.It was one of the biggest houses on the island and the driveway was painted with clouds,rainbows and mermaids so it was easy to find.He ran down the dark streets,hoping nobody would call the cops on him.He walked up your colorful driveway,stopping when lights came on across the front yard.

He didnt know what set them off,wondering if your parents knew he was coming.THe door opened,revealing you in a yellow dress,the material only going halfway down your thighs,a leather jacket hanging off of you,black and yellow vans to match.

He felt his face go red,biting his lip. “You look really-um you look really pretty.”He chuckled,feeling embarrassed.You grinned,opening the garage by typing the pin into the key pad,your black car sitting there and waiting patiently for you. “Where are we going?”You asked,taking out your keys,about to get in when he stopped you. 

“Can I drive?”He asked,giving you puppy dog eyes.You sighed,holding your keys tight,eventually giving in. “If you crash my car I will kill you.”You warned him,getting in the passengers seat that you hadnt sat in in forever.He got in,almost laughing.He had never been in such an expensive car before,pulling out of the garage,the door closing behind him. 

“Seriously though,if we crash I will kill you.”You spoke seriously,making him smile. “I know,princess.”He replied,beginning the drive down the smooth road,hitting bumps once the tires rolled into The Cut.Somehow you ended up holding his hand,your thumb resting on one of his veins,the coolness of the metal rings made a slight shiver go up your spine.

He tried so hard not to squeal,imagining this for nearly two years.He rubbed the back of your hand lightly with his thumb,trying his best to remain as calm as possible,pulling over in the familiar area. “It’s right down here.”He told you,squeezing your hand lightly before letting go.

THe two of you got out of the car,your heart beat quickening as you followed him through the woods,using a flashlight that he had brought.You could hear the waterfall,glad it wasnt too far away.THe two of you emerged from the trees and into a clearing,a slow moving rive right in front of you,a small waterfall to your right.He was focused on you,watching as you took it all in,the area being lit up by the little bit of moonlight.

You took off your jacket,unzipping the dress to reveal a white bikini underneath,placing them on top of your bag so they wouldnt get wet or dirty.He smiled,tugging off his shorts and t shirt,walking into the cold shallow water,knowing where the deep parts were.

You came in soon after,deciding to just sit in the shallow water while he jumped off the rocks and into the deep,coming up to the surface with his hair soaked and fallen into his face.He wiped it away,coming to sit next to you,admiring the waterfall. “So…”He tried to start a conversation,not quite knowing what to say.You smiled,looking over at him. 

“What?”You asked,your voice soft and smooth as you spoke.He leaned back in the water,not quite laying down. “So whats up with you?”He asked,reaching for your hand,smiling when you let him intertwine his fingers with yours. “In what way?”You asked,curious as to what he meant. “I mean you’re like,the Queen of the kooks yet you date pogues and hang around The Cut.Why?”He asked,his heels digging into the pebble below him.

You shrugged. “I mean,kooks aren't really impressive.They’re all the same,you guys have actual personalities.”You laughed,hoping he wouldnt ask the question you dreaded most.He nodded in agreement,sitting up properly.The light crashing of the water wasnt really noticeable anymore,he was too focus on the conversation.

 “I want you to tell me everything I should know about you within the next minute.Go!”He exclaimed,watching as you tried to think,surprised. “Um...um okay,my favorite color is (Y/F/C),I hate strawberry jelly,I have a dog named Hugo and hes literally the love of my life...I have slight caffeine addiction,I dont know.”You laughed,not ever thinking about this before.He nodded,urging you to keep going.

 “Uhh...my favorite show is Stranger Things,my favorite movie is The Outsiders because Dally,obviously...umm I still believe in mermaids and i’ve always wanted to build a castle.”You hoped that was enough,glad when he smiled.

 “You still believe in mermaids?”He asked,a goofy smile on his face. “Shut up,Maybank.This isnt fair,you have to tell me about you now.”You turned on your side,facing him completely.He looked shocked,not thinking that you would turn the question back on him. “You have a minute-starting now.”You announced,his thoughts moving to fast for his mouth to keep up.

 “Okay,ummm...uhhh….I’ve always wanted to live in Yucatan,my favorite color is blue...I dont have a favorite TV show...I like the Harry Potter movies but i’ve never read the books...growing up I always had a huge crush on Hermione and I believed in Santa Claus until I was twelve.I hate butterflies,I dont really like coffee because energy drinks are better and I go by JJ because I hate my actual name.”He finished,biting his lip.

You hummed,reflecting on what he just said. “Im a simp for Draco Malfoy.”You admitted,hearing him chuckle. “So you have a thing for blondes?”He asked,a cocky smirk on his face.You shushed him,rolling your eyes. “I mean,i’ve got a thing for gorgeous girls so I guess it works out.”He winked at you,a sly smirk on his face.

You felt your cheeks get hot,glancing away from him.He thought about what he was about to do for a whole two seconds,considering how it could effect his future with you. “(Y/N).”he mumbled,making you turn back to him.He waited a moment and a half before leaning in,pecking your lips lightly and pulling away,understanding why Max had spoke so fondly of the memory.

You bit your lip,pulling him into another kiss,your warm hand going into his wet hair,tugging at the slightly wavy locks.He smiled into the kiss,his hands ending up on your waist,trying to take in every detail of the moment that he knew would end soon.When you pulled away your hand remained in his hair,twirling it between your thumb and pointer finger.

@nas-marie-loves-u​ @28cnn​ @sexytholland​  @yuxsh06​   @ifilwtmfc​  @cherryobx​ @poguestarkey​ @n1ghtsh4d3-67​  @poguestyleskye​ @judayyyw​  @sunwardsss​ @meaganjm​ @sarcasticsagittarius1998​ @jj-fic-recs​ @homophobicclownmoviestan​ @jj-iz-bae​ @natalie-kate-98​ @negativity4you​ @nxsmss​ @ofmaybankheart​ @broken-jj​  @outerbongs​  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian @drewswannabegirl​  @simonsbluee   @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off​ 

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[lilacjaemin]

daisies

pairing: prince!jeno x gender neutral reader

genre: fluffy angst oh yes (plus lil commentaries hehe)

word count: 4.5k

summary: daisies symbolize true love – each daisy is really two flowers blended together in harmony, the center petals are one flower surrounded by the “rays�� of another. they mean purity and innocence, one that swears a loyalty to love and a commitment to a shared secrecy. 

a/n: thank you to jeno for being my biggest muse!! oh also thank you to payton for helping me research flowers for this <3

·     royal prince!jeno can’t wait to rule his people and his beautiful kingdom full of flower fields and forests

·     but he can wait a little longer to get married

·     and one night the royal family throws a dinner party and a ball filled with suitors for their son

·     but jeno can’t take the stuffy atmosphere and the hundreds of girls trying to dance with him

·     so he runs off to his favorite spot in his kingdom

·     these rolling hills covered in daisies

·     it’s this pretty valley that nobody else knows about sometimes he goes there when his royal duties are too much and he needs to get away

·     but when he arrives he stumbles across you laying on the hill stargazing, engulfed in the flowers

·     he had no idea anyone else knew about this place

·     he really doesn’t wanna be around any more people tonight but in the dim moonlight he can make out the features of your face

·     he’s never seen you around the castle, and by what you’re wearing you definitely didn’t just run away from the same ball

·     so he carefully approaches and asks if he can join you

·     you sit up, freaked out that someone found this secret spot of yours

·     the figure is in a white button up and a dark blue suit jacket with gold swirls

·     he looks expensive but his eyes are kind

·     so you say okay

·     when he sits down next to you, he smells of many different expensive perfumes, which you find weird

·     you ask what he’s doing out here because by the looks of his dark suit he probably should be at some ball

·     and he says “yeah i should be.”

·     what?

·     and that’s when you notice the gold coronet resting neatly in his hair

·     ohhhhh he’s the prince

·     you’re sitting on the ground with the prince

·     the future king jeno

·     o k a y

·     suddenly jeno thinks he hears something and he’s paranoid of his parents’ royal guards finding him and this spot so he turns to you like did you hear that??

·     and before you could respond, out of nowhere he grabs you?? and dives into the flowers

·     your hands against his chest preventing you from smacking into him

·     he’s pulled you super close, his breathing rapid and eyes closed

·     you’re a little frozen, still in shock the prince just tackled you

·     he waits, realizing he probably just heard a squirrel or something

·     the ~kdrama~ moment happens where he opens his eyes and finds himself staring into yours

·     time stops for a split second, the wind ruffling the grass and daisies surrounding you two

·     and then he regains his composure and helps you up again

·     “are you okay? im so sorry! oh, that was so weird and creepy i just cant get caught out here.”

·     you blink slowly, the surprise wearing off

·     “yeah im totally fine.”

·     well maybe physically, but your heart?? about to beat out of your chest!!

·     jeno reaches his hand out and brushes a strand out of your face, smoothing out the rest of your disheveled hair

·     you swore fire ignited from his fingertips

·     you have to change the subject before you lose it

·     “so…you said you should be at a ball right now?” you clear your throat and brush yourself off

·     “ah, my family is pressing me to find a suitable partner. lately it’s just been dinner after dinner, dance after dance, i hate it.” he sighs, laying back into the hillside

·     “you hate people trying to get your attention?”

·     “i want to marry once i fall in love, not because they would be a good ruler of the kingdom.”

·     “i see.” you whisper, laying down beside him

·     “ i love my family, i love this kingdom and i can’t wait to rule but i wish that one part of my life could be normal. i tried to have the most normal childhood i could manage. i did everything i could to grow up and feel like everyone else, but nobody else has to have arranged marriages, so why do i?”

·     you stay quiet, soaking his words in, watching the moon as jeno continues to your right

·     “love seems incredible. i just wanna experience it for real. i don’t want someone ive only met a handful of times before our wedding, no matter how extravagant the whole thing is. i’ve tried so many times to explain to my parents that i can rule by myself for the time being and then ill find a partner, but they won’t let me.”

·     you listen to his worries, the whole time not realizing that your hand had made its way to rest on jeno’s arm

·     it’s something you do to comfort others, but he turns his head to look at you and you immediately pull away

·     you start apologizing, saying how it’s just a habit you have, but he stops you

·     “no no it’s okay, it feels nice to have someone really listening to me.” he smiles

·     oh his smile is beautiful, it shines brighter than the moon above

·     “i never get to hang out with other people my age and not have a bunch of royalty stuff looming over my head.”

·     you were just in awe that the prince who has it all is unhappy and you feel so bad and just wanna hug him because honestly he’s so cute

·     you listen while he rants about his duties and how stuck up some of the royal advisors are and how every suitor he meets is in it just for the wealth, they don’t really care about the him as a person

·     he asks what your take on it is and you talk about your views on love

·     you’re saying how you think it’s the most beautiful thing and that you’ve seen it in your parents and you want it so badly, but it always feels like all of the people in town don’t want a serious relationship

·     “i want to meet someone that makes every star look pale in comparison. i come out here to look at the night sky and hope that somewhere, the one i’m meant to be with is looking at it too.”

·     and jeno nods

·     he completely understands

·     “my family says i’m crazy for thinking that way. but i work in a library, im surrounded by incredible stories of romance, how can i not hope for one myself?”

·     he’s fascinated at the fact that you can date normally but don’t because you say there’s no one out there

·     jeno assures you there’s people out there, he has to meet with them constantly, he just never gets along with any of them

·     you talk about royal life into the late hours of the night

·     jeno is just so happy to have someone genuinely interested in his thoughts and feelings

·     he’s giddy, ranting about his plans for the kingdom and his goals for the future

·     you don’t know when you drift off, but you remember hearing his warm voice fade away

·     and you fall asleep on his shoulder

·     jeno doesn’t remember when he drifts off, but he remembers feeling your warmth at his side

·     when he wakes up at sunrise, jeno is like oh i‘m so dead they’re never gonna let me out of the castle ever again !!

·     but he looks at you, sleeping peacefully against him with daisies framing your face

·     he feels his heart do a backflip

·     is this how it’s supposed to feel? there’s not supposed to be a sense of dread pooling in his stomach like there is when a suitor walks in? interesting

·     gently waking you up, he tells you he has to run to get back to the castle

·     but he promises you he’ll do everything he can to come back to this spot to meet you and stargaze again

·     “i’ll be here.” you say sleepily, smiling at his messy hair

·     when he gets home his parents are like oh you are in so much trouble we threw that ball for you and you LEFT?? AND WE SEARCHED ALL OVER AND COULDNT FIND YOU?? WE THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDNAPPED??

·     and jeno is like um. oops? trying to contain his smile when he thinks of you and your soft hand on his arm

·     he gets read the riot act and is told if it happens again there will be serious consequences

·     and jeno never gets in trouble so this is big

·     but he’s willing to take the risk

·     for weeks he sneaks out and runs to the field each and every night

·     finding more reasons to love being in your company than there are stars in the sky

·     one night before dawn broke you stopped playing with the hem of your shirt

·     “i was thinking about what you told me the first night we met.” you say, eyes glued to the ground

·     “i know you’ll find somebody, and not just because you’re a prince. you will find someone who loves you for your heart, not just the riches.”

·     he stares at you, something in his eyes you couldn’t quite pin

·     jeno was glad it was dark, if not you would’ve seen the red dusting on his cheeks

·     “y-you’ll find someone too. i know it.”

·     its quiet for a minute and then very subtly, jeno grabs your hand

·     “is this okay?”

·     “of course it is. now can you tell me about the secret royal garden? i heard its incredible.”

·     you lay on your side and spend the rest of the night finding the stars in his eyes

·     another dinner is scheduled, this time with the family of a neighboring kingdom

·     this family has a daughter the same age as jeno

·     he knows in his gut that his parents want him to be with her

·     but he can’t shake the feeling of your hands in his

·     it’s where they belong

·     nevertheless, he fake smiles through the meal, tensing when she tries to reach for his arm across the table

·     after the disaster of a dinner, jeno sneaks away again

·     you can tell by the look on his face that he needs a hug

·     “i don’t want to be with her.” he breathes into your neck

·     “you’re sure you can’t talk to your parents about this?” you say, running your hand through his dark hair

·     “they don’t listen. i’ve tried, they just won’t listen.”

·     you hold him close, wracking your brain for a solution to this problem

·     but there seems to be none

·     jeno creeps back to the castle after spending the whole night wrapped in your arms

·     but the queen is waiting for him in his chamber when he opens the door

·     he’s banned from leaving the castle without supervision until he gets married

·     he’s never sent out unless it’s with a guard

·     he’s devastated and frustrated because he wants to sneak away to you but someone is always watching

·     he feels like he lost the one person who understood him the most

·     one day he goes into the castle library in an effort to get some peace

·     to his surprise, you are working in the front

·     you hear a gasp and when you look up jeno stands before you

·     “this library? you work in the castle and never told me!?”

·     “no, the town’s library is overstaffed because of the summer, so i took the job opening here. i always waited for you to come in and find out, but i guess you don’t use the library as much as i imagined.” you laugh

·     your heart is beating like crazy seeing him again

·     you bring him to your favorite little poetry corner, out of view of the entrance

·     huddled in amongst the books he takes hold of your hands

·     you can see him visibly relax when he feels your palms against his

·     “im so sorry, i tried so hard to go meet you but they have guards on me at all times. they won’t let me out of their sight.” he looks frantic

·     “jeno, i’ll wait however long it takes to be together. i still go to our spot every night, i still wait for you. i always will.” you reassure him

·     his brows unfurrow and he smiles, pulling you close to his chest

·     his heartbeat is soothing against your cheek and you realize just how much you missed him

·     “oh, i have something for you.” you reach into the last of the shelves, pulling out a thick worn book

·     he watches in confusion as you open to a page in the center

·     “here, i pressed these for you. for the nights when you can’t come visit, just know i’m there.” you show him two dry daisies, careful not to blow them away

·     his face lights up, gently taking the book from you and running a finger over their stems

·     he’s about to thank you when you hear someone call for him from the door

·     he frowns and shuts the book, tucking it under his arm

·     he presses a soft kiss to your forehead before scurrying off, leaving your skin burning and your mind dizzy

·     jeno’s parents are sure the princess from the neighboring kingdom is the one

·     and jeno can feel his stomach drop to his feet when they tell him

·     desperate to get to you, he tricks his guards into getting him something from the other side of the castle

·     he shimmies down his balcony and runs as fast as his legs can take him to the field before they can send search parties out for him

·     he grabs you by your shoulders and frantically tells you that they’re arranging his marriage

·     but it’s not what he wants, he can’t stop thinking about you

·     “jeno.” you whisper, pointing behind him

·     you see lanterns come over the hill and horses trample over the flowers

·     jeno stands in front of you to protect you but guards pull him away

·     he’s yelling at them to stop but they’re angry

·     you feel like you can’t breathe

·     one of the advisors recognizes you from the library and tells you never to come back to the castle

·     you stand and watch with teary eyes as jeno is dragged away and the candles fade into the night

·     a few weeks go by and you get word that the prince is betrothed to marry the princess and you’re absolutely heartbroken

·     you know jeno doesn’t want that

·     and even if it isn’t you that gets to be with him, you still want him to be happy

·     out of a job, you ask a family friend who works as a florist to hire you

·     “of course! we need all the help we can get for this wedding!”

·     oh no

·     your heart breaks even more but your family needs the money

·     you arrive a few days before to set up the decor and pray the the guards from that night don’t recognize you

·     and as much as it hurts, you hope you don’t run into jeno

·     but to your dismay he walks in with the princess and you feel your world collapse

·     you meet his gaze while they check on the ballroom’s set up and you can see the light behind his eyes go dim

·     suddenly he yells “NO! THIS IS ALL WRONG! WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING TO DISCUSS THE DECOR IMMEDIATELY!”

·     he finds a way to break away from the princess just for a second and whispers to meet him at a different spot tonight

·     he says it’s under the willow tree at the edge of the forest by the stream and you nod

·     “the flower arrangements around the altar are hideous.” he goes back to frowning, trying his hardest not to steal glances at you anymore

·     you are sure there’s no way he could get away again but lo and behold you hear footsteps approaching

·     you run into jeno’s arms, worried this would be the last time you could ever hold him

·     he cups your cheeks, staring into your eyes

·     “we don’t have much time but i promise i’m not marrying her. we’ll figure something out, we’ll run away together, we’ll do something, but i promise i am not marrying her.”

·     he tries to assure you it’ll all be okay and he’s so certain it will be that you begin to believe him

·     but you hear footsteps again

·     lots of them

·     and you and jeno can hardly see because of the tears in both your eyes but you can hear the impending doom

·     there aren’t even words to say to each other, its over

·     it’s all over now

·     he kisses your forehead, then your cheek, letting his lips linger against your skin

·     jeno is ripped from your arms and both of you are taken back to the castle

·     they throw you in the dungeon and tell you that you’re going to have a meeting with the king and queen in the morning

·     you sit on the cold stone floor and cry into your palms, desperately trying to remember how jeno’s lips felt on your face

·     the next day you’re led out in shackles

·     you sit in front of the royals and the queen is furious

·     she’s yelling how dare you try and ruin her kingdom by getting in the way of her son’s relationship, how dare you still try and meet with him after everything that’s happened

·     she’s close to banishing you from the kingdom entirely when jeno runs in, “don’t you understand? im in love with them!” 

·     jeno loves you

·     “would you rather the kingdom be run by a miserable king or a happy one?” he’s crying and you want nothing more than to wipe his tears away but the shackles keep you planted to the ground

·     you’re exhausted and cold and sad and hungry and you have no fight left in you

·     the queen can’t believe what she’s hearing

·     “you would put your future people in danger for this peasant?”

·     “i would rather give up the throne entirely than marry that princess.”

·     “how could you say that? i didn’t raise you this way! i raised you to be a selfless leader!”

·     “how could you expect me to lead these people well if im unhappy?”

·     she pauses momentarily, a softness seeping into her eyes, but it quickly fades when she looks back at you

·     the queen is still fuming

·     “we’re going ahead with the arranged marriage and that’s final, jeno.”

·     she turns to you and tells you after you’re done helping with the wedding you’re never going to see jeno ever again

·     he cries out, running to kneel in front of you and taking your face in his hands

·     “jeno,” you say weakly, “its okay. i hope you can find happiness.” you try to smile for him but everything hurts

·     his mother watches the sad scene unfold in front of her with a tightlipped expression

·     “and i love you too, moonlight.” you whisper

·     he laughs bitterly, tears falling onto your heavy arms

·     he leans forward to kiss you

·     but his guards grab him and take him away before his lips reach yours

·     he yells your name all the way down the hall, kicking and thrashing to try and break free

·     you hang your head in sadness and feel a sob wrack through your body

·     its over

·     the day of the wedding arrives and you solemnly finish the bouquet for the bride

·     you fill it with orange mock flowers (they represent deceit) quickly hiding the daisies they had brought for it instead

·     you try to find someone to deliver it to her but everyone is bustling around trying to add the final touches

·     you trudge to her chamber and knock, hoping to place the flowers down and leave as soon as possible

·     but she invites you inside and you dig your nails in your palms to keep it together

·     she’s pretty, but from what jeno has told you about her the only thing she cares about is power

·     “so i heard you’re the one who tried to break us up.” she says through an unnerving smile

·     you stay silent

·     “its such a shame really. jeno is really torn up over you. he’s too sad to think straight. he sits in bed with this old poetry book, but he never turns the page. i think he’s gone crazy, he doesn’t even speak! but i won’t need him for much longer. once i’m in line for the throne i won’t even need to look at him.” she twirls her finger around the center of the bouquet

·     “and when i’m queen, you’ll be banished. it’s a win win!” she laughs, brushing past you to leave, “oh, and do stay for the wedding. i wanna make sure you see this.” you can hear the venom laced in her words

·     your hands are numb, four dark crescents in each palm

·     jeno stands at the altar in his dark blue suit, the same from the night you met him

·     he’s pale, rings of purple under his eyes, his hands in fists, a daisy in his pocket, you can tell he’s biting his cheek

·     you stand behind the tall vase at the back of the ballroom, peeking through the flowers

·     the music begins and in walks the princess, and jeno has never looked unhappier in his life

·     he’s barely holding her hands, nothing like the way he held yours

·     the priest asks if he takes this woman to be his lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, for as long as they both shall live

·     you hold your breath

·     it’s silent

·     the princess is smiling, but if looks could kill jeno would’ve been struck down immediately

·     “jeno?”

·     silence

·     a tear rolls down his face and you can see his body visibly shake

·     “no.” he says as firmly as he can

·     the crowd gasps

·     he drops her hands and begins to walk off when the king comes up next to him

·     “you better get back up there right now and finish this.”

·     “no.”

·     “what did you just say?”

·     “i said no, i’m saying no, i’ve been saying no. ever since i was little i’ve thought about what it would be like when i fell in love for the first time. i’d see the way you looked at mom and i thought i can’t wait for the day where i love someone so much i look at them the same way. and funny enough i did find that love. i fell in love in a field of flowers with someone who is more beautiful inside and out than the moon and all the stars combined. i finally found the prettiest flower of them all and i won’t stop fighting for them.”

·     he pauses and turns to look at his dad

·     “i know im going against your word, but you always told me a good king was one who finds strength in those around him, one who grows and rules to the best of his ability, and i’m the strongest when i’m with them, dad.”

·     he turns to the crowd, desperation dripping off his words

·     “i want to be a ruler you’re all proud of, but what kind of king would i be if i didn’t fight for what i want most?”

·     you didn’t realize you were crying until your tears ran down your neck

·     the queen stands up and you fear the worst for both you and jeno

·     “you really love them? you love them this much?”

·     “mother, i’ve always wanted true love. you know that. and i can’t see myself with anyone else.”

·     the princess is throwing daggers with her eyes behind them

·     the queen pauses for a moment and without turning around she says “come up here.”

·     you hesitantly walk up the aisle in your raggedy work clothes, your heartbeat pounding between your ears at all the eyes on you

·     jeno gasps “you were still here?”

·     “in no way are you ready to become royalty let alone a ruler, but i’ve never seen jeno stand up to us like this before, and i must admit it hurt my heart to not be able to give him the true love he wished for all these years. it’s not that i didn’t want him to experience it, i just wanted him to have the best partner for ruling over his people. but i think i caused more harm than good in doing so. you seem to really love him, and that’s all a mother could ever want for her child. if you promise to take all of the classes and lessons you need and work extremely hard to learn about this kingdom and what’s best for it, i’ll agree to you dating him. if you meet my husband’s and my approval, then maybe we can discuss marriage.”

·     “what!? absolutely not!” the princess stomps her foot “i’m supposed to be queen!”

·     “you never cared about my son anyway. get in your carriage and go back to your kingdom.” the king hisses

·     she throws her bouquet to the ground and storms out

·     both you and jeno are speechless, silent tears rolling down your faces

·     you thank the queen endlessly, promising to do whatever it takes

·     you cling on to him, trying not to collapse to the floor

·     “i almost lost you.” you say into the fabric of his suit

·     “never.” he mumbles into your hair

·     you walk hand in hand, fingers intertwined, back to your field

·     you lay down in the flowers and never let go of each other

·     tears wiped away with kisses

·     fingertips tracing the shape of your mouth

·     as the stars begin to poke out of the sky jeno connects your lips

·     it isn’t until the sun peeks up over the hill that he pulls away

·     and a year to the day you first met the prince in the valley, you stand in the same place, amongst the same daisies, under the same stars, reciting vows to each other’s teary eyes

[homestucky]

ok ok this is like not anything new but still since i havent been on here i havent fully ranted about this yet. big long rant incoming

re the epilogue (spoilers etc)

ok. i have onl y read meat. but fucking? dirk? dirk? ok? dirk??

no.

i am aware of what happens in candy. i know he dies.

i also know in the version i read, in meat, he becomes his ultimate self, all versions of dirk. as many people have said, this includes AR, this includes bro, this includes even to some degree, LE. its an interesting idea ill give you that. but its also.... shitty and not backed enough by well, anything?

so heres my personal rant about the shitty things in Meat.

when i first finished it i couldnt help but think. was the dirk narrative even necessary? on the one hand it was meant to be the MAIN PLOT and it defined the narration etc, but.... it honestly didnt seem to have any importance. i know it was likely  a set up to imply future stuff like making the next sburb or whatever but like

who CARES? why on earth would that be interesting or important? maybe im crazy but like, the ‘b plot’ which was mostly about character relationships and jobs in earth c, was compelling and enjoyable. the narrative with john ‘not important and not the main character anymore’ egbert had details and conclusions ACTUALLY RELATING TO HOMESTUCK, THE COMIC I LIKE AND WANTED TO READ AN EPILOGUE FOR. it was tragic and frankly very upsetting! im not saying i liked it!! but the tragedy felt compelling and significant. 

i appreciate that dirk as narrator IS BIASED so him saying that these narratives are less important is inherently like. not to be trusted but. just. i cant help but feel like you could have cut the whole ‘main dirk reality affecting’ narrative OUT 

and that seems to me maybe like... not good? if such a central part of your narrative has almost no bearing on homestuck or anything anyone cares about?

but im sure there are other people who found it compelling and necessary. thats fair. cant relate but you do you. there are other issues. 

me saying that the dirk narrative felt weirdly isolated and insignificant sounds pretty weird given that it put jade into a coma, manipulated kanayas mind, effectively killed rose and destroyed rosemary right? WELL that brings me on to the next thing. people have noted that meat barely passes the bechdel test. and hey, sometimes things like that can just be a coincidence or unlucky. but the repeated erasure of the female characters minds, motives, identities and autonomy was????  a little too consistent to dismiss. like ok terezi was still her dope self in a lot of ways. jane kinda did some stuff (under dirks direction, and only shitty stuff but . whatever). 

(sidebar: ofc it doesnt make sense to talk about calliope and roxy in the context of the female characters in Meat but either way they were very in the background. like cool an all, and i always love roxy. and i respect they were mostly just minding their own businesses??? which is fair)

 i just. urgh. homestuck has such a genuinely good track record of giving female characters genuine motivations and powerful abilities etc. the fact that almost ALL the female characters involved were working for or manipulated by DIRK. DIRK of all people. is like... is this even based off the real comic? idgi????

roses loss of autonomy.... rose is such an important character. and she goes along with everything dirk says because dirk is suddenly all OP and ‘theyre basically the same person anyway’ like i get that there was some magic bullshit going on or whatever but at the end of the day rose was still written as weak and passive. dirk as strong and skilled and decisive. i get the undertones.. hes a prince of heart. a destroyer of souls, and identities. he messed with kanayas identity , destroyed roses, repeatedly ignored roxys and calliopes, and god i wont even get started on jake yet. but that doesnt make it satisfying to read. or even really feasible.

so theres a possibility im missing something. but im confused about WHY dirk is allowed this power. in the narrative its waved off as a kind of ‘i guess because im like a prince of heart or whatever and im just super good at managing identities and being a strong boy’ like ok if theres some implication somewhere that that is MEANT to be a bogus explanation id be interested to know because it sounds pretty goddamn bogus. why would this happen to dirk? why? literally? one reason? one that makes sense? because there arent any i can think of. why, in the new universe, would dirk, a prince of heart, manifest into a narrative controlling supergod. and fucking WHEN has dirk showed any actual capabilities in this area before?? he KINDA sucked at it in the game. dirks an idiot! hes smart and capable in like, some ways but. its like

why is dirk so powerful suddenly -> its because hes become super ultimate dirk -> ... ok why -> uh because like. hes just so naturally inclined towards being a great manipulator yknow..... canonically.... uhhhh

it just. canon dirk to epilogue dirk is the most ridiculous leap character wise, skill wise, arc wise, personality wise, with minimal reasonable explanation. 

which brings me on to the next thing. so i roasted dirk and said he wasnt strong enough to be able to manipulate things this well. well, obviously through some other means dirk HAS been afforded this power. but what about his personality? its obviously gonna be warped with self importance and knowing how things ‘have to be’. but hes heartless, cruel and hateful. in some ways it seems like canon dirk levels of ruthlessness, especially when it shows that he is actually doing something dumb and petty like his treatment of jake. that shows that he STILL has emotional connection to people as dirk. he also seems to care about some people, like dave and roxy, and cracks jokes and wants to have ‘fun’. this makes the ways in which hes so warped and cruel seem even worse. maybe on the one hand im giving dirk too much credit, everyone knows he has the potential to be a real bastard. but i dont think that was the trajectory he was on when we last saw him. and if this is truly due to him just.. becoming other versions of himself too including LE and bro and stuff..like. i dont see how it could have gotten that bad without say, roxy or dave noticing. 

‘oh they didnt notice because hes just so good at hiding’ why on earth would i believe that!! dave especially this is kinda insulting for. dave is shown to have an almost supernatural ability to detect danger. partially this might be timeline stuff, knight stuff, but also notably im sure his upbringing is involved too. he was trained to be hypervigilant. who was he trained to be hypervigilant for? bro. bros manipulation and traps. near the end of the epilogue we show that dave IS capable of detecting the mindfuckery thats happening. how would that not set off 1 million alarm bells? theres literally apparently a twisted dirk-bro mutant INSIDE HIS HEAD telling him what to do. i just. know that scene was played for comedy and romance but at the very least thats gotta like???? mess with u if ur traumatised? and thats like , why i think dave should have had an inkling abt what was going on!! this is exactly the thing he hates and fears and was traumatised by! and it just going under his nose n him not even knowing , and still pretty recently being all buddy buddy with dirk seems just stupid and infeasible to me. maybe this is me being naive or kind of a stretch but i just feel like daves danger instincts would have been kicking up a whole assed ruckus that whole time. 

also kind of unrelated but i associate sunglasses with strider style toxic masculinity and hiding things so like. ok transitioning or changing gender presentation is one thing but roxy apparently permanently wearing sunglasses makes me NERVOUS

and ill probably wrap up this mighty rant soon but i wanna also say jake was done so fucking dirty. i know he was like, meant to be, because for some reason god dirk just hated him? like ok petty much. but. urgh jake is such an interesting character with a lot of potential and while i appreciate that him being manipulated by someone who may reasonably have a problem with him may make him do stupid and embarrassing stuff, all the narrative seems to have taken a backward step in how hes represented. jake isnt stupid, dirk clearly knew this in canon and he maybe was the only one even including jake. and there was some acknowledgement of this near the beginning of the epilogue. but then for some reason it goes back on itself. everyone still thinks jake is just completely stupid, including the embittered superdirk. so yeah i guess hes upset with jake or whatever but. its still dissatisfying to be like oh yeah jake isnt stupid he actually has a complex set of motivations and potential etc BUT over the X number of yrs on earth c no one else has realised this yet?? hmm. then his narrative is just gonna end up with him being a total joke and essentially becomes as stupid and incompetent as his worst critics say he is. feasible given the mind control ? yeah. enjoyable to read or having any kind of satisfying bearing on anything? nope!

so anyway. i feel like any criticism i have could be argued back with ‘but oh it has to be this way’ or ‘mind control!!’ or ‘not everything has to be nice and happy !!’ but like. dude. there are flaws. many of them. and seeing characters just get shat on is never gonna be good writing. 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this one for the special club of ppl who have no friends

idk abt yall but even for myself im not sure exactly how long it took me to work out that i was & had been more isolated than the avg person over my life & realizing that the feeling i had since ever being around a group of ppl (preschool) that i couldnt fit in or have more than like, one friend that was mostly defined as “wanted to actually play together at recess or smthing”, was just actually generally true. idk what it is but you know what its like when ppl have some tendency to ignore you. or quietly gain contempt for you because they think you’re weird, which i havent known to stop being true between like 10 yr olds & ppl in their 20s. when ur being talked over even in a group you’re supposed to be in and its like listen. what is going on that this happens so much

anyways when you have no friends its always wild when anyone does show up and actually act like a friend more than like once & show the slightest interest in you as a person. for me though i did have to learn to just not care as much when this happens because its like the sheer math of it all yknow. a person who is used to having like, a more avg number of friends across life is gonna make a friend and be like “oh man awesome” but on the other end of things when u have only a handful of friends and/or little access to friends &/or no close friends, getting a new friend seems way more significant because its like wow this is only 1/18 in my whole life or something. whereas for the other person you are 1/143 idek. not to say that each friend is less important to someone who has more of them. but it is less of a big deal to gain a new one, and a new person theyve just been talking to a bit IS going to be a less important friend

where this is going is just that, never having friends = everyone else being a big deal to you, but you arent a big deal 2 them....a lot of wondering why you always like ppl more than they like you. in my experience its not fun so, with the motivation to stop feeling terrible over that repeated revelation, and also figuring out that its because being so isolated / having few to no Reeeaalll Friends = valuing new friends way more than they value you, rather than just that everyone definitely hates you....i personally have tried to stop caring less about getting the opportunity to talk to new people.

thats not to say i dont enjoy it or value it or like the people i talk to.....i do enjoy it, im a social person in my own way, and i appreciate it when it happens b/c i dont consistently have conversations with anyone. i just don’t get excited abt a potential friendship or expect to ever reach what feels like a real & solid friendship w anyone. i have picked up a few ppl in the past like 5 yrs i do consider friends but its always taken a while to get there.

its kind of funny because like i said i AM kind of social & i do really care about people i get to grow a bit close to.......there is definitely plenty of ppl i dislike right away & have the opposite interest as being friends with them....but when i do like ppl, idk, i like to try to support them and be nice to them and be there for them in the usually tiny ways i can.....i love to talk to people actually. in person when im actually comfortable, i can actually come off a bit overly talkative....i can be energetic when i’m happy & i do have a lot to say about things sometimes but usually only in my head. even typing it out is difficult b/c i can only type so fast, especially with a phone. but in other situations i can have trouble actually getting my voice to come out at all, or i choose not to speak at all b/c i dont want to. or when im frustrated i dont want to talk for a moment but thats generally because there is no one around i want to talk to about it. i can talk abt something for hrs....and it is of course extra special to me b/c i dont get to be around ppl i like talking to them that often

idk and i like to do nice things for friends when i can......i dunno. i do like people. i can be pretty choosy about who i hang on to, i might only have a select group of friends even if i wasnt isolated; but still....theres a lot of people in the world. even being picky about it, you could have a huge friend group

little tangent i dont trust trying to make friends in groups at all really lol.....like even if you’re friends with someone who’s in a bigger friend group. i might cautiously give ppl a chance just b/c of the good endorsement but ive also had bad times w it. and often like, even ppl i all individually like, to be in a group w everyone is to realize that my way of socializing means im a lot of times off on the tangents and it just makes it clear that there’s a whole Thing going on in the middle that you’re not at all involved in. and then there’s ongoing Things that nobody lets you in on and its like alright i guess i’ll do my own thing that nobody’s interested in. idk and its happened that i’ll be in a group and again just like....not be even noticed physically and its like. feels great man

anyways i guess theres general things about Friendship that i feel i miss out on, on account of never experiencing it

like ive never felt like i had someone i’d tell anything to, not even collectively, like i have three Things to tell & maybe i cant tell anyone all three but i know three ppl i’d tell one of each to

ive also never quite felt like i’d always have someone to talk to just in general......or been in the situation where if i wanted to go out and do something w someone i knew i could find someone to go w me.....idk theres never been the feeling that i always had access to friends in any way. or like, ever had access to friends, most of the time at least

i also have no idea....when ppl talk about having longtime friends like known all their life im like wtf. ok. weirdo. ive had a friend for ten seconds

kind of a bummer b/c i think a lot of ppl consider College to be th easiest place to make friends...like before that you mostly have school friends and afterwards its like oh work friends but college you have a bit more mobility and different situations to meet people.....but post-college its supposedly just increasingly difficult to make new friends. and being more isolated makes it even more difficult as ppl tend to ostracize ppl for being lonely weirdos

im always lucky i get to talk on here tbh......it occurs to me it’s probably bad to feel completely unheard. because it frustrates me a lot at times to feel that way. even nowadays i dont really say anything about the stuff i think & dont ever find myself wanting to....im picky about who i really feel like having long or even short but actually genuine convos w like i said...............and idk its not that infrequent too for ppl to seem to not really care one way or the other or listen or even like it when i talk. i only wanna talk in situations i feel good talking obv lol....otherwise i’d rather stay quiet, but staying quiet is frustrating also. but i do it. but i can say things here at least even if i’m not actually talking aloud

i cant expect to ever have this mythical friend group or whatever.....i dont have Expectations like that. and in the meantime ive been lowkey for a few years just trying to lower my expectations even for ppl im just chill-ly talking to. its not that difficult nowadays, i get a bit pumped to just be talking, but i dont get Pumped Abt New Friends or anything. i know it doesnt work like that....and its not like i was ever like, wanting a blood oath after two conversations or anything like that. it just tends to mean more to you and then you find out you dont mean as much to anybody else really

oh but a good silver lining is that now i have better standards for ppl anyway, to be like “well it sucks that it turns out my connection w all these ppl wasnt that solid at all, but hang on now that i think of it do i even Like this or that person”

life is wild huh. back in preschool i thought something was wrong w me that nobody liked me & nowadays i dont care if they do or not. im doing my own thing over here & may be chillin in hell but at least, even if i’m sad i don’t exactly get to consistently interact w ppl, it only matters to me if i get the attention from ppl i genuinely like anyways. i could drop off the face of the planet & probably the biggest giveaway was that i had reblogged a joke in a few days but wtf does that matter anyway. some of us got to be on the tangents still w no friends. not because its necessary but b/c it happens and it has to be someone, might as well be me or you. it happens to be me, thats for sure

[oflgtfol]

passengers (2016) had the potential to be such a good movie but it was written in such a wrong way and it just wound up being shitty and gross........

im in such a ranty mood lately so yeah. this is long and probably incoherent so its under a read more

like if they wrote it from aurora’s perspective it couldve been such a cool space horror film. im not a big film buff so idk but i rarely see space horror moves? i see it more often in literature. but even then most space horror stories are all like, aliens and shit, but space is so vast and interesting, space horror has the capacity to be so unique and different from normal horror... aliens are basically just the demons and monsters on earth just in a different setting

space horror stories that really get me - the ones that really fucking chill me to the bone, that actually succeed in creeping me out - are always the ones that focus on being alone. space is so isolating, its so completely different from earth, like out there you are the loneliest you will ever be. you can be lonely in your bedroom but ultimately you’re on a planet with 7 billion other people, but in space, there is no one around for millions, billions, trillions of miles, hundreds and thousands of light years. you cannot get to safety. you are stuck in your situation whether you like it or not and nobody will come to help you. nobody will even know.

if your situation takes the wrong turn, then you will well and truly die alone in a way that nobody else has ever experienced before. its such a chilling concept and its completely realistic too, like i will always come back to the first moon landing when discussing this. nobody knew whether they could get the astronauts back to earth. they went down to the surface with no certainty that this place wouldnt be their deathbeds. they were the first 2 people to ever step foot on the moon, to ever step foot on a surface that wasn’t earth. if they couldnt get back up, then they would also be the first 2 people to die there, to die on a place that wasnt earth. it fucks me up so bad. so space horror is also so chilling because its plausible, this is the unknown we’re exploring and everything is new. everything in space is so far apart, its so lonely, and that fact remains true whether you’re talking about real life space travel or an event in fiction, which makes it feel way more genuine that regular horror. horror that deals with the supernatural loses that realism and it feels fake, like that wont happen to me because monsters and demons just dont exist

so you could take this conflict, one between humans, and put it into space? it becomes even more horrifying

with a horror movie set on earth dealing with a kidnapping, you root for the protagonist, for them to escape, for them to kill their captor if they must, and no matter how helpless the situation may seem you root for them because all they need to do is have access to phone to call 911, or grab that hammer and their problems are over, or kick their captor in the groin and make a break for the street. the helplessness from this story is that freedom is so close, yet so far

a horror movie set in space dealing with a kidnapping? the victim is stuck there no matter what. they can kill their captor. they could send a distress call. they could reach an escape pod and make a break for it. but no matter what, they are still stuck in space. you are so utterly isolated that a distress call could take years upon years upon eons to reach anyone who could possibly answer, and an escape pod would take even longer unless it can go at light speed

so the horror of the situation with space horror is that everything is up to you, and if you fail? its over.

with passengers though, its not that simple. because there its not just “up to you,” it is just utterly futile. jim took aurora out of her pod and no matter what she does will change that. her situation is irreversible

(i havent seen it in a while but i know towards the end there was that emergency pod, but uhm. did she even know about it until jim told her about it? yeah. that adds to the horror of it)

the film however. is written from jim’s perspective. the film deals with this isolation a bit at the beginning which i had actually enjoyed in that kinda sick oh no feeling that space horror like this always gives me. it was interesting to actually see it depicted in a movie! i’ve only read about this kinda situation in a written story in only one book, but im sure theres more out there, but either way it was novel for me

and the temptation of opening aurora’s pod is what adds to it. its either you go fucking insane because you live out the next few decades with no other human contact, you kill yourself, or you open up someone else and suffer with someone else by your side, but thats the BAD route and now you’re a horrible person. its a serious moral question! you go a whole year of being utterly, completely alone with absolutely zero human contact, but you are surrounded by other humans. its fucking painful. i cant even imagine that

i respect that portion of the film! i do! but then he opens up aurora’s pod. and it suddenly becomes a romance movie, and continues to be framed in jim’s perspective. bad move.

if we took out jim’s spiraling descent to opening up aurora’s pod, and started the film with her waking up, frame it as a romance movie, it could be really good. the reveal where she found out he is the reason shes awake, he’s the one who robbed her of life, her potential, her everything she ever knew. he’s stranded her in the middle of nowhere for the sole reason of keeping him company

the sheer impact of this revelation is lost because the movie is in jim’s perspective. we already sympathize with him due to the beginning. he was introduced first, and his suffering was obvious, so we look at aurora and its almost like we should think well thats all well and good but poor jim! but jim had the comfort that at least him waking up was just a random event. aurora was woken up because he was awake. if he was still asleep, then so would she, and she would still have her life and future. and even if someone was still randomly woken up, if it wasnt jim of all people, then she would most likely still be awake too. its all the horrible circumstances intersecting and she got caught in the crossfires due to him succumbing to his situation.

now i’m not saying that jim is evil. no one has ever been in this situation before. i really don’t know what the fuck i’d do and i don’t think anybody knows what they would do either until they were in his shoes. it’s all morally ambiguous and it’s just shitty all around - but ultimately, it was a horrible horrible decision that ruined another person’s life. he was directly responsible for her losing everything. and the fact that he hides this from her? is even fucking worse. it’s understandable, but my god is it BAD

and in making this a romance movie. the horror of aurora’s situation is just lost! because our goal is to see them kiss and fall in love by the end of the movie, so the audience isn’t meant to look to harshly at jim. he suffers no real consequences for his actions. and ultimately it is a romance, because jim ~sacrifices himself~ and aurora realizes that hey we’re gonna be here for the rest of our fucking lives, i might as well enjoy it. which is a shit attitude to have in a relationship of any kind by the way!

but by framing this as a horror movie, aurora could be wayy more sympathetic to the audience. the romantic angle when she first wakes up would feel insidious, and we would feel the betrayal when it’s revealed that jim is the reason she woke up. jim would be the villain obviously, and the moral ambiguity of his decision to wake her up would make him a relatable villain, but it would still hold him accountable for what he’s done. i just think the end product would be a lot more poignant than it was as a romance movie

and now to wrap it up, here’s my ideas on how to do it: film starts with aurora on earth before she’s about to leave, talking to all her friends and talking about how much she wants to go to this other planet, how great of an opportunity it would be. she boards the ship and goes under. and then within a few seconds, she’s waking up. the waking up scene is framed the same way jim’s was, and not from the side from jim’s perspective like it was in the actual movie. we get to see all her confusion and exhaustion from her perspective. once she’s acclimated or whatever, she’s futzing around the ship when jim stumbles upon her, acting all confused and excited to see another person, and its so genuine that nobody, including aurora, is any wiser that he’s the cause of it. then its all the romance shit, and falling in love, its fun, she’s like “oh my god it sucks that we’re stuck like this and we’re gonna die alone” and they comfort each other, yadda yadda, its meant to build trust between them and between the audience and jim. maybe theres a few scenes peppered in that build suspense like, wtf is going on, but ultimately the Jim Trust scenes kinda turn us/her away from that. but then its aurora talking to the robot guy and the robot guy lets it slip that jim was the one to wake her. it zooms into her face, and in the background you can see jim, all dark and blurred, looming over her. she goes to cry in her room or whatever, like she did in the movie, and its like flashes on previous scenes but now all the little hints to it make sense

anyway i dont have many more ideas just that at the end jim tells her about the extra pod and she goes in, and jim... hm.. maybe its vague.. maybe he lives out the rest of his days and he’s the one to leave the plants behind, maybe he died while sacrificing himself, idk. im not a horror writer. something to humanize jim, that this could’ve been anyone making this shitty decision while emotionally compromised, but still makes it clear that he was in the wrong, very in the wrong

the romance in the actual movie felt, like, poisoned because of what he did, and it rubbed me very wrong that they picked it back up all bc he was willing to die at the end to fix the spaceship. if anything, they should’ve only been friends. idk. actually focusing on aurora and her perspective feels like it could’ve taken the film in a much more interesting turn than just “standard het couple gets together in the end despite the girl being hurt by the guy” like every. fucking. movie.

[rqs902]

.

so i watched the two-part first ep of the coming one super band (gosh darn it was long...) and it made me realize it’s been a while since ive watched a non-idol show LOL. overall it was more interesting to watch than i expected. i didnt have high expectations going in bc its not my usual type of show, but i knew i wanted to at least give it a try bc of ljt. i heard about what happened to hjx prior to this, so that put a damper on my spirits, but i still wanted to see how ljt would do. i did not imagine him in a band before this, but now i kind of can. 

i just cried a little inside when zhou zhennan asked liao juntao if zjy talks like mao buyi... oof 

i find it amusing that they all call ljt liao laoshi and he has lots of fanboys hahah and zzn calls him taotao and seems really close to him still

aw the way zzn specifically asks ljt to sing “don’t talk to me”, a song he hasn’t released yet, means they must keep in close contact and ljt shares his music with him, and zzn takes his songs to heart and truly listens and likes them. 

wow zzn really knows ljt’s guitar skills and rhythmic strengths and additional music styles could be demonstrated through this song and he wanted his friend to promote himself better by showing off a new song that may be more captivating to an audience in this type of setting. it really seemed like he was trying to protect and help ljt with genuine care. it’s been three years and the mrzz friendship still going strong warms my heart

OF COURSE THEY WOULD BRING UP “who” IT’S HIS CLAIM TO FAME SONG. and 3 years later, its still an amazing song. one of my favorites. 

also ljt’s quirky personality was one of my favorite characteristics about him. his talent and music goes without saying, he’s one of my favorite (if not my actual favorite) music makers. but his personality also just seems so fun and slightly strange LOL but like the way he pats his chest after each performance like hes calming his nerves (but you cant tell at all while hes singing) is such a contrast. 

UGH watching the montage from mrzz and then his story all the way through zzn’s crying literally brought me to tears.... lang lang saying how he could tell ljt has been through a lot... oh gosh and then those old clips of liao juntao with zhou zhennan, ma boqian, mao buyi, zhong yixuan UGH it just brought back so many memories and then the flashback to where ljt chose to battle meng zikun instead of wang jingli EVEN THOUGH HE KNEW HE WOULD LOSE AND HE HAD A BETTER CHANCE OF BEATING WJL......... aaaaaaahhhhhhhh because he wanted to protect his friends and let them go on to the next round. and never forget xue zhiqian’s heart-breaking “your choice may force you to struggle for another ten years” because he knew ljt was giving up such a rare opportunity. and mby just breaking down watching his friend commit career suicide basically ugh- that just- ughhh 

and the fact that even as a judge now, zhou zhennan just couldnt stop himself from crying when ljt called him “bro”

can you imagine what it’s like to be so close to success and to live the next three years knowing you had just as much capability and possibility as freaking mao buyi and zhou zhennan but you were still left behind, by such a hugely immense degree. to have lost too early on, even though you definitely had the talent to have at least made it to the next round, but you care too much about your friends to force your way through. 

ljt says he doesnt regret, and that is amazing to me. mao buyi and zhou zhennan are literally both judges on shows like this now. and hes still... a contestant.

lol wait i just had a thought, is ljt to super band what zzn was to produce camp? i really hope so. i feel like its inevitable tencent will favor him bc hes already signed to wjjw???? and hes probably the only one who has somewhat public recognition already? i really want ljt to debut as f-man... i cant imagine him on the sidelines. he deserves and needs to be the center of this eventual 5 person band. if wjjw messes him up again im literally going to question everything. 

ive never gone into a show with such a strong bias and desire for that bias to be center -- ive never dared to ask for that -- but ill say it again, ljt NEEDS AND DESERVES it. i didnt realize i felt so strongly about him until now. 

anyway, i can totally see how ljt and szb would get along, they both seem to have such sad stories (and ugh why is ljt so humble) but also how is tencent gonna deal with not having ljt as an f-man tho LOL

ouch watching the he junxiong part made my heart hurt... i heard about what happened, but watching it actually happen was still jarring. him not saying he wants his music to be commercialized, is that a reaction from what happened to “time of youth” ? It did feel like tencent stole that song from him and didnt credit him enough :\ so maybe he’d rather his music be remembered as in he wants to be remembered for his music? i do agree with zzn that hjx didnt sing the song as well as I expected him to this time though... my impression of he junxiong from produce camp was that he has a really nice voice and is really great at making music. but im surprised how much his attitude has changed. but i can understand it must be hard for him to see zzn sitting in front of him and not giving him his support. i guess from there in contrast, ljt’s humbleness is admirable. man, i wonder if/when we’ll see hjx again. tencent’s gonna hate him now lol.......

random but xu yang visually reminds me of yueyue and zhao ke visually reminds me of mu ziyang LOL also, i respect that hu yutong saw ryp was struggling with public speaking and let him go, but then went over to talk to him privately. he didnt want to make him uncomfortable and did his best to be gentle with his tone. but i agree it will be questionable for someone with such strong ideas like hyt to thrive in a group setting. 

there are a couple of kids besides ljt who im interested in, enough that i think ill keep watching this show for now, but also not enough for me to not be miffed that there are SO MANY extra clips/ shows (YET AGAIN) and i just dont want to / dont have time to watch them all just to look for ljt..... and ljt is still the main reason why id watch, so im gonna have to figure out if theres a way for me to just watch the ljt clips lol.................. 

also side note, seeing them do physically strenuous activities like three legged racing in the previews gave me horror flashbacks to afo and im so scarred from that show that seeing stuff like that just makes me super scared thinking that someone is going to get hurt. ugh its just so unnecessary and such a bad idea.  this was one of the worst parts about afo, the fact that the trainees kept getting injured doing dumb activities. why risk injury when your physical ability to do something as arbitrary as a three legged race should have no impact on your ability to succeed in a music competition???? it just seems so unnecessary and just there to add drama. sure it can build teamwork, but there are safer ways to build teamwork that may not lead to sprained ankles or scraped faces (UGH AFO) 

but anyway, if anyone else is actually watching this show, let me know! I saw a few people on twitter, but i dont think its gaining as much traction as an idol show would, since its a band show. 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy. 

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me??? 

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?" 

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon. 

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott. 

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward. 

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew. 

We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

Also...

ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen 

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life. 

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge 

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him 

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking 

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes