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i just think it's really really really really fun how when lo cocodrilo is going to wreak vengeance on the supposed like ideal model of Love lashing out destructive style that banana is going to self-destructive die for it and Meet-Adorable Of All Time way to introduce yourselves to all time with tambourine disclaimers about acts of god and then that this is a development which impromptu does indeed suddenly unexpectedly disruptively result in Lo Cocodrilo Bleeding i just kind of presume may as well have been over the heart in a show very clear about Metaphors about hearts and blood as feelings and passion and desires and whatever else you like And They're Both Queer like well i think that's really fun of them i think that's sooo fun of them to have done that i think and lo cocodrilo with henchman steve over there earlier with the sexual aspect to things and emotional intimacy and sexual aspect to things again in peak homoerotic [speaking of blood and hearts. and knives] and peak homosexual [lo cocodrilo in the wake of that] oh my goodness like well hey after being fully crushed by normative ideals you wanna meet banana. the musician and....His Friend. you wanna bleed and kiss

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also i was gonna connect this topic to the ol "lo cocodrilo is Ostensibly unhindered in indulgence & insisting I'm Feeling Myself I'm Feeling Myself & like he is doing those things & it is relevant in that he has the ability to be relatively unhindered in the context of this place of status he's carved out for himself here, But he also can't Really fully indulge because he has to be in denial towards himself & everyone else of what he really wants still....& then there's banana who can also be more unhindered Around Supportive Parties but those are particular people & he sees himself as Side / Secondary / Supplementary indeed & reacts to anyone trying to push back on him existing uninhibitedly by indeed shrinking / inhibition / trying to get back in line™" and it Is related for sure but im also just going like argh....and the topic is of course like godddd So True So True it touches immeasurably touches immeasurably the moment ft. banana praying

and like the link would be like. well banana Freely offering queerness i.e. like well after indeed leaping into the musician's arms as it were being that parallel to Gotta Rescue My Wife being the [why do you as a man Need another man before you can Achieve Goal] disruption to normativity (queerness) having Heart To Heart connection & making it that a man stole a woman's man you say (why are you, as a man) like yep and banana just doesn't have any associated Inhibition in offering himself for cuddling, though in the context of But Because Your Wife's Not Here, as banana has that awareness that he's Off To The Side / sidekick to the main guy (beautiful theory though (mine) that the musician sees banana as The Ultimate Guy Of All Time) & is a potential Disruption to the supposed ideal form of that main guy's life with Wife & Household That Does Not Include Banana But He's Kind Of An Auxiliary Available Over There, Minimizing Disruption & Keeping It On Your Terms, thus like over Here banana casually proposing queerness in terms of like only now more approximating, temporarily, the Ideal form of things, with your wife & all....& then retreating off to the side when declined. but then we actually follow banana for that moment with our second banana we don't expect to get to have to listen to how he feels, while the musician, unsupervised, eats a random pill he just found on the ground for Supposed Ideal Musings

and like first of all. touches immeasurably touches immeasurably like it really does, and it's like it's so sweet but it's not even Just that, it really is just like. seamlessly flowing from "oh ha ha a moment with our funny little guy & his funny little moments" into like yes that & that entails this like wrenching expression of such utter Earnestness like yeah pouring his heart into this huh like the utmost & it's still like, not at odds with having been comedic 3 seconds ago, not at odds with it being our funny little guy, which isn't at odds with being taken seriously as a person, which he is as much as any other character. and it's like. well it's still about the inhibition or not lol like this is this wrenchingly wringingly immeasurably touching Completely Heartfelt Moment that is all out of love & appreciation for the musician & trying to offer help & care this way, as that like desperate arc he's being driven by, nbd, that of course if the musician needs him he'll so readily transcend what he can do for himself, and of course he's like yeah out here dying to Help Him even beyond being with him even though the musician emphasizes that's all he needs and even though everyone's fully aware things are all life and death out here

and also like this happening By Himself in a moment we don't even Expect to follow him for to be privy too....that what's expected is the musician not wanting to cuddle his best boy friend who is a funny little sidekick & said sidekick seeing himself out so the hero can drink a puddle and have romantic drama properly, but no, First! we have a private moment with banana to see how he feels and it's devastating even simply by virtue of being So Heartfelt like if im crying about Anything, and oh boy am i....heartache but like the blend of positive & negative feelings going into it, just feeling it all so deeply, hang on i put that thought into fic the other day Lol....and just like that This unexpected moment follows after like that A Levitous Moment With Banana Before He Is Dismissed Off To The Side For Lead Drama is this one-two combo of "banana casually offers himself as Hold Your Wife Tonight Substitute" for comedic [he does not know to inhibit this queerness] then "banana casually says 'good night' incorrectly, lexically" for comedic [he does not know to cover this with Correctness either], meanwhile then that the musician only then privately comments on the latter's incorrectness, only face-to-face more vaguely saying that well cuddling my best boy friend rather than my wife Wouldn't Be The Same

what thread am i on here. well the queerness🤝disability combo also just before banana gives us more confirmation like yeah generally other people may shit on him, like his abusive wife for one, like how he can be left vulnerable to such a situation if His one most special funny little guy in the musician is not around....but and also like head in hands about Banana Off To The Side As Contained Disruption & the implicit solitude of this. private little moment following banana Alone and it touches immeasurably as he is wringing his heart out for the musician in private here and we don't even expect to have followed this character for it. lo cocodrilo also with the feelings so private a narrator has to reveal them, even when he's supposedly in his element & surely peak uninhibited, and he has his own really kind of sweet scene of intimacy with his banana parallel but can only reject the vulnerability in that ("alright get out i hate you" good god) & conclude that like well what he Could want most with this special little guy / what the conclusion in turn Must Be is: [personal kill] you with my knife....that then his revelling in this supposed desired outcome is also, yknow, Alone, Private? comedically so? really only all the more homosexually so? well

and really then like as an addendum yknow just getting into agonies of the accuracy re: the Doing Things Wrong funny little guy understanding himself as being off to the side for someone else who gets to be in charge of him for Corrections purposes & imposing his Ideal Life on him, oh you know. and being alone indeed & still going inhibiting mode quite easily & seeing himself out of the way. & lo cocodrilo Supposedly living the uninhibited life but you know having been at odds with his own wants & feelings ever since trying the [lo cocodrilo] route as a rejection / reaction against one's own heart, thus, entirely driven by it....banana when left on his own just subject to being abducted just to Have by someone who hates him & Forces these surely ideal things upon him, that like meanwhile even his Best Relationships can involve [indeed someone's still in charge of him when they're together] or the like [sad trombone noise for banana] that even allies might call him the r word....banana's own ideal vision for himself like indeed in the context of Other's more normative ideals, he's an add-on enhancement (this too is queer) off to the side on your terms. vs lo cocodrilo obviously causing problems for others & hardly considerer sweet for biting snapping devouring not letting anybody get in his way vs banana backing down to make sure he fully stays out of anyone else's, even if banana Does just off by himself feel his feelings & want his wants without rejecting them, even if he "should," & meanwhile lo cocodrilo is like so Denial Repression & rejection of being vulnerable that he can only larp [surely this scene of correct ideal marital life] for years & possibly be fucking henchman steve while they certainly have some actual emotional/personal intimacy going on but what could be done with that? well, maybe actually the cuddling or fucking for one, given the also [so lo cocodrilo is gay] but like, gotta reject that vs have such casual proposals of queerness....Thus Like God The Vision after banana is about to actually die to Protect The Musician (& his ideal life) & this meetcute of all time also ft the metaphorical significance of lo cocodrilo bleeding, im like my god it's Do Dynamic Dualism Together time. with many more thoughts on this

so much so that as a lively addendum: earlier today i leveled up further by writing queer off-broadway fanfic on one's subway commute, now on the way Back writing the tumblr post short essay and getting so caught up towards the end i missed my stop For The First Time, then also the next one lol

also relevantly today i have happened to have the thoughts separately like "gosh how can you expect there to be the All The Same like abusive / dehumanizing sentiments attitudes catchprases lingo behavior etc? unless you're By Yourself?" and then the experience also of being Ignored rather / not treated as Fully A Person in whatever group setting to the standard that others are & it's like well what can one expect so long as you're not alone. if as soon as you're around Peers™ efforts to interact on their terms are like ah you're not doing it right or really in this toddler in-group & we're sure not making the effort so much to do things on your terms & then it's like hmm these Kinds Of People who just go off on their own doing their own thing, guess they're just like that, and inferior for it as well of course....and it's like of course one would noscope your abusive wife for you banana, and you're anyone, and you're me. and the apt like + deliberate realism points of even like not meant to be Model Of Perfection out here where even w banana's key supporters there's the like, grim comedic thread of indeed banana just casually aware he "should" be off to the side somewhat / isn't The Lead / there's overlap between the recognized as Mean To Me abusive wife who hates you behaviors & like, the people most in your corner. one's vision for coconana make each other "worse" like get less sweet™ get less badass™

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also the way none of the reviews seem to address directly or otherwise that bloodsong's main point isn't to be like A Spaghetti Western Sendup & is not literal in that & that's made pretty clear & like Last On Land is right there and music and shows within a show

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not much has changed when i was at a curb waiting to cross the street & the RAT MOMENT was a whole RAT PARTY like at least a half dozen of them 4 ft over enjoying a busted garbage bag & one of them ducking down a grate like yeah that's exactly what you're supposed to do & three or four were poking their little faces out of a slot in the bottom of the metal trash can container & i was like Gasp 😭 Awww Adorableee 🥺😭😩 🐀🐀🐀

saw my first live performance in nyc (free distilled opera at a park ampitheatre, wonderful time, gushed to a singer and the two dancers afterwards) and JUST SAW MY FIRST NYC RAT BABEYYYY!!!! 🐀🚨❕

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another enriching dynamic dualism to me like. that lo cocodrilo Purports to like largely be living it up getting what he wants Enjoying Indulging while yknow the whole rejection of the vulnerable self so he won't go 🙋 hi i want to be loved & when he's got his intimacy with his special little guy henchman (sexual, emotional) again what else can boys do but get killed with my knife as a beautiful personal kill! & if he is loving dad to this baby or toddler over here that's a secret only a narrator can confess, repressed with the best while we're also actually getting like Peak Quite Vulnerable / Open material from him wherein like as a True Threat he does have the power levels while in his element to not have to hold back any of that vulnerability / being Whimsical means he'll express it even if he turns around & knife kills you after the "alright get out i hate you" slapped over genuine intimacy and Then will follow up having killed your good boy with scintillating sort of private moment of whimsical play and then partially private incredible shining homosexualism. denial repressor Ostensibly indulging but like vulnerable to efforts for Actual indulgence i.e. what you really want coming out

and then there's banana over there and it's like well is He repressed with the best? kind of not really, not in the same way / to the same degree certainly, rather like okay so banana is the Pure (of) Heart of this operation (dynamic duoship with the musician) as addressed and the musician tells him with his heart words to Dance, banana ofc comparatively expressively uninhibited compared to the musician, beyond channeling your feelings through instruments into musical so affecting you die, though banana is presumably also expressively uninhibited with the tambourine & dancing (see also: lo cocodrilo Genuine Enough with instrument & music (& dancing) too) but you know, what banana's up to is suppressing that expression sometimes because other people are doing the opposite of encouraging him with their heart words. sure like yeah a queer lens on banana is (the only kind that works) where like okay so trying to be Normative Marriage for years but also all this is forced on him in the first place / continually. and then you have banana understanding like his Ideal Life as accessory off to the side of [supposed ideal vision of normal life™ for the musician and santa violetta] with the comedic meta awareness, and you have banana no problem like well i can be your wife Substitute. oh okay no problem if not (musical prayer which touches immeasurably) like, presumably linking with other (related / same) Non Normative™ experiences yknow it's probably only having to Understand things as like oh well maybe it's assumed everyone's cishet but banana is just Doing His Thing, Queerly As Ever and off to the side / separate from Normal & Correct and so like can't take the lead and has to be like Okay when someone wants to tell him what to do / keep him in line

so you can see the visions (for example, kissing and even other lively exchanges and dynamics)

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went holy shiiiit this is just like summer in the city by the lovin' spoonful

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well, it will

getting sweet sketchly AND sequential...???

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Riled Over Research

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Pencil Jared to remind myself that I can in fact do things that resemble drawing

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really fun for me personally the way that it turns out essentially right from the start of "i promised myself to live faster" our gay protagonist is taken hostage unconvincingly by the dramatical & comically unconvincingly insistent on being Peak Normative Heterosexual antagonist & they're hanging out & our hero keeps going Yeah Okayy at the occasional "oh you know. my wife & various children whom i relate to normalstyle" like oh speaking of recovering from vaguely erotic exertion, speaking of iconis' best or crass & dreadful song turkey leg & aching & grinding through it, speaking of our entire act two opening i haven't even begun to say enough about, speaking of "haha imagine taking the other queer guy hostage instead. for reasons. always a sitcom with this guy (lo cocodrilo)"

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leveled up today (read a book on my subway commute)

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are there any deh drawings you made but didnt post? 👀

I have two Connor designs I did a while back and completely forgot to post. The first is definitely going off of Mike Faist, although the hair is really its own thing. The second is a little bit of Mike, a little bit of Alex, and a little bit of the cover for I Wish You All the Best.

I also have these incomplete sketches of Jared that I really enjoy so far (although I'll almost definitely never figure out how to draw a damn backpack).

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in case i haven't mentioned it lately it's like good god the narrative / logic / demands of romance™ are so fucked up lol let's get outta here cmon 🏃🏃🏃🏃

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gregory s. moss bio in this i promised myself to live faster script publication (humana festival 2015: the complete plays)

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yesterday librarying / lincoln center complexing

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Riled Over Research

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why does the nj skyline have buildings in pairs