#I LOVE ZED I LOVE ZED. WACKY DUDE

[aliferous-ly]

"I don't know what you're talking about," Zedaph said primly. Without missing a beat he adjusted the truly heinous glasses on his head. "I've always had these."

Tango laughed so hard he fell over. Zedaph preened.

"Those are - so perfect," Tango wheezed, as he wobbled upright. "Do you have an extra pair?"

"Of course I do," Zedaph said, voice thick with offense. "Do I have another pair. Honestly, Tango, it's like you don't know me at all."

Tango mhm'd through his giggles.

"In fact, I seem to have some on me right now," Zedaph said, and as the grand finale, he whipped out a second pair that was alike in all ways except one: this one was orange.

"Oh, my god," Tango gasped. He took them reverently and set them on his nose like they were made of gold. "Zed, you're perfect."

"I know, I know," Zedaph said. He grinned toothily. "Now, would you happen to know where Impulse is?"

"Nope! But for you, my friend, I will find out!" Tango said. His whole face lit up as he went to type in his communicator. The glasses were obnoxious enough that they kept getting in the way, and Zedaph giggled.

Soon, they'd be a whole parade of terrible fashion. Zedvancement I can('t) see clearly now almost complete!

[scottielambchop]

My Review of The Summer Set Festival (1/2)

You know, as a 32-year old man, I don’t really feel like I’m all that old. I’m hip, I still have that old devil-may-care attitude, I’m in pretty good shape, I play video games and don’t have many responsibilities. I love music, and I certainly feel that I’m more than open listening to new music and giving it an honest shot.

Then I started my security job at a Minneapolis bar called Psycho Suzi’s and got to know (and befriend) many people in their early 20s. Now, I’ve now come to realize that I don’t know shit. One such coworker recently posted the flyer for Summer Set (a local EDM festival), and only three names sounded familiar to me: Run the Jewels, Die Antwoord, and Zeds Dead—and that last one was only because it’s a Pulp Fiction quote.

So, as an attempt to fit in with these wacky youths, I’ve decided to listen to one song by each band (group) in the order it was written on the flyer and post my initial thoughts on each. It’s like a stream of conscience from hell. Let’s see how this one goes.

Zeds Dead - Frontlines (ft. GG Magree): This girl’s voice is okay, but musically who gives a shit? Oh, never mind; now it’s turned into a goddamn dubstep song. What in the holy fuck have I gotten myself into? It would be a lot cooler if this featured G.G. Allin — and I really hate G.G. Allin

Zedd – Clarity (ft. Foxes): This song sounds like every song played at my gym. It’s fine. I probably would have liked it in, like, 2001 when I went through a bullshit Paul Oakenfold phase. Do you think this guy has a beef with that Zeds Dead group? I guess that would make this festival kinda neat to see how they hash that shit out.

GRiZ – Hard Times: I’m really hoping this is about Dusty Rhodes, but I think I need to get that out of my head right away. This song starts off kinda cool, like a hip hop version of a Reservoir Dogs-type movie intro. Oh, now the dumb bullshit dubstep kicked in and ruined it — should have figured that nothing stays gold in the context of this miserablelittle adventure I’m on. Also, watching this video, you need to understand this this dude is the most stereotypical white guy trying to be a hip hop DJ. It’s like if Edward Snowden put on a hockey jersey and shitty glasses.

Run the Jewels – Run the Jewels: I’ve heard this before. These guys are cool. But then again, I’m a white guy who casually listens to NPR, so of course I like Run the Jewels. My only problem with this song is that I think only Angel Witch and Minor Threat should have titular songs.

Die Antwoord – Ugly Boy: I don’t know how two people can look so much like juggalos but not be lumped into that group. Instead they’re like the best thing to happen to graphic designers since the Adobe Creative Suite. I used to really like these guys but, then again, I used to be really fucking stupid.

RL Grime – Core: This is building up to something that I’m probably gonna hate. Not to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but holy shit was I right. It has buildups that I felt like will have a significant payoff, but then it just does fucking nothing. It’s like audio edging. For fuck’s sake, this song goes nowhere. Well, at least I can say that I also really hate their name.

Datsik – Redemption (ft. Excision):  Oh great, I found the official background music to every YouTube vape video. When they inevitably remake the Matrix movies, I fear this is all they’re going to sound like. The track says it features another artist, but the only thing I can hear is some random audio clips. But then I did some research to find out it took TWO separate DJs to make this bullshit.

Post Malone – White Iverson: First of all, this guy needs to land on his basketball references. Second of all, this video has 276,473,194 views—a number I wish I were joking about. This song just sounds like every other modern hip hop song, minimal beat and some dude inaudibly saying dumb shit without a rhyme. Now that I’ve established how milquetoast this song is, I’d really like to comment on how this guy looks. He’s the missing link from Riff Raff and James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers. Seriously, if they were to make a reboot of Malibu’s Most Wanted, casting had better snatch this honkey up QUICK! He seems like an exaggeration of someone trying to appropriate black culture, and it’s heartbreaking no one is calling him on this shit. I can’t wait until we’re in a time of post-Post Malone.

Seven Lions – Worlds Apart (feat. Kerli): Honestly, this starts out okay. Kerli has a pretty voice, the electronic beat isn’t overbearing and the video features bloated images of outer space that you’d probably find on the wall of a “worldly” teenage stoner. I’ve heard way worse. Granted, this could also be my old “techno” fan coming out. There’s a middle dubsteppy part that I could do without, but whatever. Yeah, I didn’t mind this one.

Zomboy – Like A Bitch: Right from the get-go I’m told to, “stop acting like a (woop) and get my hands up.” Here’s the deal, Zomboy: you only get one chance to make a first impression. And you insulting me for not doing what you want isn’t going to make friends with anyone. So, no, I won’t stop acting like a bitch.  The mere fact that you keep repeating it, isn’t going to motivate me to do it any faster—if at all. With that said, musically, this also sucks.

Audien – Something Better (ft. Lady Antebellum): Hey! This has a structure of a legit pop song! I don’t know if this project has been beating me down, or if this is actually decent. Don’t get me wrong, it has the really annoying electronic hooks that most modern music has, but compared to some of the garbage I’ve already put in my ears, it’s pretty alright.

Bakermat – One Day: Man, what a progressive song. Nothing says, “heartstring cash grab” better than mixing samples of MLK’s “I Have A Dream” speech and sexy saxophone with generic dancy electronic beats. It honestly sounds like the backing beats to Marky Mark’s “Good Vibrations.” Oh well, at least it was short.

Big Wild – Aftergold: This song sounds like it was tailor-made to be used in the opening narrative of an “inspirational” teen movie. Imagine an opening shot of an urban high school with the main character doing a voice over explaining his life and school, now think of the music that is playing in the background. Yeah, you’ve got it. It’s light and floaty with an array of unique instruments (strings, Taiko drums, etc.) and then sample in some record scratches and electronic noise and that’s it. It’s not offensive. It’s not anything. It’s just a thing.

Bleep Bloop – Slippin: Before I start, I want you to know that it was THIS band that made me venture into this masochistic assignment. It all started when a group of younger coworkers posted the flyer for this festival on social media and expressed their sincere excitement. Now, being the complete asshole I am, decided to shit all over their good time by stating that it sounds like the worst time imaginable. (I was essentially being facetious because I really don’t care what they listen to. But for the record: I’m right). Anyway, after skimming through the names, my eyes caught the name “Bleep Bloop” and everything in me laughed and cried all at the same time. I voiced my opinion about this band without ever hearing them, stating that this just sounds like a generic EDM placeholder until these assholes can figure out something dumber to call themselves.

Cut to a few days later. It’s a Saturday and once we were finished closing up, I decided to invite some coworkers over for drinks. While everyone is over, I take it upon myself to throw on a record that I figured would appeal to many. So I put on my copy of T-Swift’s 1989 (it’s solid pop-gold, fight me). I throw on the record, and it’s mostly well received. At this moment, the person I was giving shit to about Bleep Bloop made his opinion heard by stating that he can’t believe that I would listen to/enjoy 1989, but refuse to open myself up to Bleep Bloop. Now once he said “Bleep Bloop” out loud, I couldn’t help by throw myself into maniacal laughter. I mean, just think about how goddamn stupid that sounds. Imagine your favorite band of all time. Then imagine their name is fucking Bleep Bloop. Now try and defend that band to someone who hasn’t heard them before. It turns into the biggest, most useless uphill battle you’ve ever waged upon someone else. It’s also just really funny for the other person, if you’re dead serious about them.

Okay, now that I’ve got the backstory of this shit-ass band, it’s time to dive into the music.

This is just a series of dumb sound effects. It honestly sounds like it was created on the Playstation version of MTV Music Generator. Then they have remixed versions of a guy saying the same damn thing. It’s seriously giving me a headache. I don’t know why anyone would want to listen to this for enjoyment. It’s really fucking confusing. All in all, it’s exactly what I expected out of a band named Bleep Bloop.

Destructo – Higher: Have you ever seen an action movie from the late 90’s/early 00’s where the protagonist has to kill a mafia boss in the middle of a douchey club? You know, those scenes where in which shit really escalates into a full-blown gun fight and the fire alarm goes off making everything wet creating a unique aesthetic? Yeah, this is the shitty music playing at the beginning of the scene that lets the viewer know that the location really sucks. The video is blatantly alluding to straight-up heroin/sex addiction—it’s pretty glamorous. And then she dies at the end from a broken heart while some guy repeats, “get higher, baby.” All in all, better than other stuff already reviewed on this godforsaken list.

Ghastly – We Might Fall (ft. Matthew Koma): This video started out by saying “Dubstep Electro House” which is weird because I can almost guarantee it should just say “whiny dude singing over bullshit.” It started off slow with dumb vocals, then it slowly built up to a techno climax (which is also a medical term for when you ejaculate lasers) with a high-pitched autotune. And then it repeats. Whatever, it sucks, but it’s fine.

Well folks, that’s it for the first half. I’m currently waiting on edits for the second. I’m sure you’re waiting with baited breath. Trust me, it fucking sucks.