#I am actively procrastinating writing the epilogue because it Stresses Me Out

[banannabethchase]

Set the World Alight: Chapter 19 - also on AO3

~

Adam, Nick, and Matt have breakthroughs, and Mox shares a little more of who he is.

~

Content note [chapter spoilers]: There is discussion of alcoholism in this chapter.

~

Wednesday April 16th

Nick

He almost cries when Adam walks into class the next morning, looking sleepy and exhausted, but there.

“Adam!” he almost weeps. “Come here.” He wraps Adam in a fierce hug. “God, you’re okay.”

“Hi, Nicky,” he says quietly. “Thanks for taking care of me last night.”

“Always,” Nick promises. They stand there, breathing each other in for a few minutes. He steps back, sliding his hand down to grab Adam’s. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“Later,” Adam says. “I – I wanted to be here for my APUSH review. And to see you.” He offers the sweetest smile to Nick, and Nick almost falls over then and there. He squeezes Nick’s hand again. Neither of them let go. “Thank you. For calling at the right time.”

“Thank you for being a lightweight,” Nick quips back. “You hungover or anything today?”

Adam shakes his head. “No, but last night sure didn’t feel good.” He wrinkles his nose. He opens his mouth to say something else, to maybe answer anything Nick’s been dying to know, when the teacher starts talking and they jump apart.

Later he promises himself. You’ll talk to him later at lunch.

~

But lunch is crazy. Adam seems fine, at least right now, and Kyle and Cole don’t have a clue what happened, so Nick doesn’t bring it up. The questions churn in his stomach, but he holds back.

Willow’s reenactment of the way her biology teacher described artificial insemination is funny enough that they’re all still laughing as they walk out of the lunch room. Only to run into Matt.

He clenches his jaw, willing Matt to be kind, to be gentle. Maybe, if he’s lucky, to shut up.

“Hi,” she says gently. But she can’t meet Adam’s eyes.

And he can’t meet hers, and instead tries to walk around her.

“Wait!” Matt says. “Wait, don’t leave me again!”

Adam freezes, and Nick can see Matt didn’t think through what she said.

“What?” Adam asks. “Matt, I’m sorry.”

“No, I know,” Matt says. “I – are you okay?”

He shrugs.

“Adam,” she says gently, “could you just look at me? I need to know you’re alright.”

Adam’s mouth is pinched in a thin line, and Nick doesn’t know what happens next. “I’m fine.”

Matt relaxes. “Okay, I’m glad you’re alright. I was worried – ”

“I screwed up,” Adam continued. “I – I’m a bad friend. I’m sorry,” Adam says. Nick thinks this is the first time he’s ever seen Adam fight tears like this. He never gets this way. Never tries to fight back what he feels. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Matt, I – I talked to my mom and we’re working on it.”

“I know,” Matt says. “And I believe you. I just – ”

“Can we pretend it never happened?” Adam interrupts. “Just erase it and start over?”

Nick watches the way Matt sorts through her feelings. “No,” she says softly. “Not – not because I hate you or anything. I need some – some time, okay? You’re still my best friend. Always. But…” She trails off. Nick hates it, but he’s proud of Matt for at least being honest. “Just a couple days, if that’s okay?”

Adam opens his mouth. Like he’s going to try and fight, but it leaves him. “Yeah,” he says, voice choked. “Yeah, I get that. I wouldn’t want to be around me, either.”

“Adam – ” Nick says.

Matt throws a panicked look at Nick, who doesn’t know what to do.

Adam throws one last sad smile over his shoulder, but his shoulders shake and Nick knows he’s crying.

“Should I follow him?” Matt asks. “No, I asked for space. I don’t know what to do.” She turns to Nick. “Did I make it worse?”

“No, no,” Nick says. “I don’t – I think this is something else.” He frowns. “I’ll give him a few minutes then – then, if he’s not in World Lit, I’ll find him.”

Matt bites her lip and nods. “Yeah, okay. Come get me if you need me, okay?” But Matt keeps going to play with the ends of her hair and flinching any time she brushes the short part, and Nick decides he’ll take care of Adam on his own.

“I will,” Nick promises. He reaches out and squeezes Matt’s hand. “Go have fun at lunch. Where’s Mox?”

“Might be on the court,” Matt says, shrugging. “He has a physics test and he’s a little nervous.”

~

Nick makes it five minutes before he gives up. He texts Adam. No response.

He stands up and the teacher nods at him. It pays to do all his homework and ace the past three essays, he guesses. Nick’s hands are shaking as he walks down the hall, and then he spots a familiar figure up ahead.

“Mox,” Nick says. He didn’t know how much he needed backup until seeing one of the only people he can trust walk down the hallway. “Mox, help.”

“What are you doing?!” he asks, looking around. “Why aren’t you in class?”

“I’m – Adam’s – and Matt.”

“Oh, god, what now?”

“Matt ran into Adam,” Nick says. “She was okay, but – but he heard her wrong, I think. I’m worried he’s going to do something stupid.

Mox’s expression goes worried. “I have an idea. I’d hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but…” He starts off down the hallway, and Nick follows.

Nick is impressed at the way Mox bursts into Mr. Regal’s classroom at the start of a class period.

“Excuse me, Mr. Moxley, my apologies for allowing my instruction to interrupt your free period.” Mr. Regal is scary. Like, really scary. Nick is man enough to admit he’s half hiding behind Mox. “This better be an emergency.” Mr. Regal’s stern blue eyes make Nick want to apologize for accidentally looking at Mark’s paper that one time during a test two years ago, but Mox presses on.

“It is,” Mox insists. “Like last time emergency.”

Mr. Regal’s eyes widen, then he returns to his impeccable composure and looks at a student in his class. “Mr. Taylor, you are in charge. Keep the group under control. I will be back as soon as I can. My lesson plans are on the desk.”

Chuck, looking confused, nods. “Um. Okay.”

Mox recounts the past few days in quick, frantic tones. Nick can barely keep up with the two of them as they make their way down the halls to Adam’s independent study room. His heart beats so fast he worries he’s going to throw up.

“Adam!” Nick says, sprinting into the room where Adam is curled in on himself. There’s a bottle on the desk. Mox takes a sniff while Nick slides in next to Adam and pulls him into a hug. Mox gives a happy thumbs up to Nick and mouths, it’s just water. “Oh, Adam, I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I’m not,” Adam mumbles into his arms. “I’m a bad friend and a bad son and a bad student.” He pulls his head up, eyes red-rimmed and wet. “I keep screwing up.” He takes in Mr. Regal and Mox, and the misery is replaced with panic. “What – what are you doing here?!”

“Mr. Page, I assure you, I will not be reporting this to anyone unless you refuse to come with me,” Mr. Regal says in a calm voice. “I have been in your shoes, dear Adam. I wish to help you through this, not to punish.”

Adam’s glances are panicked and fraught as he looks between Mox and Nick.

“You can trust him,” Mox says gently. “I swear.”

Nick curls up next to Adam. “You’re okay, Adam,” he says quietly. “We got you. I promise.”

Adam starts talking so quickly Nick can barely pick it up, but he gets the gist. The past few weeks, in preparation for AP exams and finals, one of the seniors (Jake or Jack, Nick’s not sure) slid him a flask that would help him “calm down.” He’d been sipping it, trying to get over how much he hated the taste, but it wasn’t working.

“I only brought alcohol a few times,” he admits, miserable. “And – I didn’t really like it? But Jake said it would help, so I thought I wasn’t – I didn’t have enough.” He pulls himself even more into a ball and Nick scoots into his space as Adam presses up against him. “That’s why the other night happened.” He turns red, watery eyes to Nick. “I’m so sorry, Nick. I wasn’t there when Matt needed me because I was…” He trails off.

“You’re alright, Adam,” Mr. Regal says quietly. “These mistakes happen, and you didn’t hurt anyone.”

“I did, though,” Adam sighs. “I wasn’t there when Matt needed me.” Nick watches his eyes fill with tears again. “And she’s never gonna forgive me.”

“She will,” Nick insists, fiercely. “She will. I promise.”

~

Matt

She’s pretty much stomping outside the basketball court, waiting for Mox to be done with practice. Athena had full on yelled at her to chill out during the routine, she was so angry, but it’s her only way to get out the anxiety and frustration she’s feeling. She needs to know what happened with Adam.

“Hey,” Mox says, looking tired but happy to see her. “What’s going –”

“What happened with Adam?” Matt demands. “Is he okay?”

“You’re really scary for being concerned about someone,” Mox says, pulling her in to kiss her forehead.

“I’m mad at him and worried about him,” Matt retorts. “I can be two things.”

“You’re far more than two things, baby,” Mox replies. “He’s okay. He’s convinced you’re never going to forgive him for messing up.”

“I will, eventually,” Matt says. “But, like. He should feel bad, right?”

 Mox stops in his tracks. “You think he got drunk out of panic on a random Tuesday afternoon during AP test prep because he feels good? Matt, he’s miserable right now! He needs help!”

“You’re on his side?!” Matt glares at Mox.  

“I – no, Matty, breathe,” Mox says. He settles his hands on her shoulders, and it grounds her. “I’m saying Adam’s going through some shit right now, and so are you. But he’s in a really bad place and he needs big help. That’s what I’m saying.”

She pouts. “So, what, this is a priority thing?”

“This is a ‘if I didn’t talk to Mr. Regal and help Adam with Nick, he might go down the same road my dad almost went down five years ago’ thing.” Mox stares at her, and she lets it sink in for a moment. Then another. And another.

“Your dad?” she asks quietly. “You – you never told me.”

Mox nods. “It’s one of the reasons I repeated eighth grade. I didn’t go to school for weeks because – because Mom was sick and Dad was kind of also sick, and I was the only one left.” He exhales shakily. Matt wants to go back in time and hug little Mox. Tell him it’s not his fault, that he’ll be okay. “I know it’s weird, but I don’t want to see Adam do the same.” He exhales again, eyes closed. When he opens them, his eyes are wet. “Matt, I don’t want you to have to watch Adam suffer the way I watched my dad.”

Matt searches his face, trying to figure out where she missed the signs. “Oh,” is all she can say.

Mox nods and squeezes her hand, and she steps into his chest and hugs him as tightly as she knows how. Mox comes over to her house and they talk for hours, studying for tests and reviewing childhood memories until late enough that they both fall asleep on Matt’s bed covered in paper and notebooks.

“Hey kiddos,” Matt’s mom says. “Dad and I are okay with Mox staying over, as long as you two actually sleep. And let your parents know.”

Matt watches as Mox rubs his eyes, and it’s so cute she almost collapses. “Kay,” Mox mumbles. “Can sleep on the couch, if you want.”

“Up to you,” Matt’s mom says. “As long as it’s just sleeping.”

Matt’s pretty sure Mox doesn’t actually wake up as he text his parents and collapses back into her bed. She takes the moment in as she changes into her pajamas – this could be their future. Falling asleep together while studying, maybe in the same bed. In their bed.

She thinks she may have decided where to go to school. All of them are good, but only one has this specific perk.

~

Friday, April 18th

Nick

Adam’s out of school on Thursday, but texts to let everybody know he’s just meeting with a psychiatrist to get him on some anti-anxiety medication and he’d be back on Monday. It’s a new group chat: Besties. Adam, Nick, Matt, Kenny, and Mox. Nick feels like this is a good sign, that he’s able to talk about it.

When Adam walks through the door of their first period classroom, Nick feels the world right itself.

He grabs Adam’s hand under the desk. Adam smiles at him, a cute little blush on his cheeks, and Nick feels whole again.

~

“Yeah, you wouldn’t believe it,” Adam says. Nick can’t stop watching him – he hadn’t noticed the weight of the world on Adam’s shoulders before, but, now that it’s gone, Adam’s like a whole new person. “Chevron ate a giant hole in his pants in the middle of the show, like it was nothing.”

“Did you win?”

“No!” Adam cackles. “Of course not! She ate a judge’s pants!”

“I don’t know,” Kyle follows up. “I’ve never met a goat before. Maybe having a good digestive system is, like, a bonus or something.”

“Met a goat,” Nick mutters, laughing. “Jeez, Kyle.”

“It was a fair question!”

Nick almost misses the ring in his pocket with the way Cole is cry laughing into his chicken nuggets.  “Hold on, my phone is going off.” Nick frowns as he looks down at his phone. He recognizes the number but he can’t remember from where. He answers and steps to the lobby, where it’s quiet. “Hello?”

“Hi, Nick.”

His blood runs cold. “Jude?”

“Yeah,” Jude says. “I, uh. I wanted to say hi.”

“Well, you did,” Nick snaps. “Why else?”

“I saw the team is headed to regional championships,” Jude says. “Wanted to say congrats.”

Wanted to say. Wanted to do. God, Nick has never been this easily annoyed by someone before. “Why are you really calling?”

Jude exhales. “Can’t I just miss you?

“You could,” Nick says with a bite in his tone, “but I don’t think bailing on me for almost a whole year counts as missing you.”

“I was scared!”

“You think I wasn’t?!” Nick half yells. A few girls on the basketball team, Skye and Trish, look over at him. He smiles, his best attempt at an apology. “You chose college over me.”

“Look, college is hard.” Nick’s pretty sure Jude is whining. “I miss you. And I’m coming back for the summer in a few weeks.”

The statement hangs for a moment. Nick lets it sink in. Jude’s asking for a second chance. Jude’s offering to get back together.

“After how you dumped me?” Nick asks. “You’ve got to be joking.”

“I messed up!” Jude says, sounding miserable.

“You dumped me over the phone on my birthday,” Nick hisses. Skye and Trish seem to be absorbed in their own conversation, though. “And haven’t talked to me since. Why the heck would I take you back?”

“Because I love you,” Jude says. “Isn’t that enough?”

Nick thinks about it, lets the words sink in. And waits. And waits. “No,” he says. “It’s not.”

Jude is quiet. “Don’t you love me?”

“Not anymore,” Nick says, and it’s honest. “You don’t even realize how awful you were, do you?”

“It was the opportunity of a lifetime!”

“It was my sixteenth birthday!” Nick fires back. “I turned sixteen and, not only were you across the country without telling me, you didn’t even pick up the phone when I called you. It’s been months, Jude, what did you think was going to happen?” He shakes his head. “I deserve better.” He glances over and catches Adam watching him, and he gives Nick a little wave and a smile. “I deserve someone who’s always there.”

“I will be there,” Jude pleads. “Come on, I’ll be there this summer. It’ll be like before.”

“It won’t be,” Nick says, and he feels something shift inside his soul. “Jude, it’s over. That was your decision. I can finally see it was the right one.” He wants to hang up on him without another word, but figures kindness could be worth it because of Jesus or whatever. “I hope you have a good summer.”

“I’ll miss you, Nick,” Jude says quietly.

“Clearly not enough.” Nick hangs up and exhales. He feels good. He feels brave and badass and worth it, and slides back into the cafeteria next to Adam.

“Who was that?” Adam asks. “You looked mad.”

“That,” Nick says, “was Jude. Begging me to take him back. And I said no.” He exchanges a quick glance with Adam, who takes his hand under the table. “Because he’s not worth it.”

~

Matt

She’s jittery through the last pre-game practice of the season, overshooting her jumps and landing nearly a foot out of place every once in a while.

“Matt, for the love of fuck, could you take a goddamned breather?”

Matt nods. “Yeah, sorry. Over excited. Last game and all.”

Athena eyes her. “Sure. Just don’t get so close to stepping on my toes again. I’ll kick your ass.”

“Noted,” Matt says. She focuses her concentration on precision, which helps, but she’s still excited. It’s a decision that’s been long coming, but she thinks she’s figured it out: she knows where she’s going for college. It was ages of pros and cons lists, cost comparisons, and confronting the fear of what might happen if she and Mox break up.

Mid jump, she grins at her own answer to that question: what if they don’t.

After practice, she’s jittery and excited and can’t wait any longer once the final plates are put away.

“I think I’ve decided on my college.” She exhales. She’d convinced Mox to come over for dinner, using the excuse of a pasta party before tomorrow night’s game, but she knew she was doing this the whole time. Nick grins at her, like he knew, too.

“Go ahead, sweetie,” her mom says, her smile knowing. “Where did you choose?”

“I’m going to State,” she says. “I’ve already sent in the acceptance.”

Mox leaps to his feet and nearly tackles her with a hug. “We get to go to school together!” he murmurs in her ear. “I get to keep you with me.”

“You do,” Matt says, feeling more arms circle around her.

“Well, isn’t this a coincidence,” her dad says. She pulls away to see a big cake on the table. “It’s almost as if we know you well and had a feeling you’d decide to tell us today.”

“Or tomorrow,” Nick pipes in. “Technically, Mom and Dad were thinking you’d do it tomorrow.”

“Way to blow my cover, kid,” their dad laughs.

“I knew you’d do it today,” Nick says, folding his arms and leaning back on the couch, pleased with himself. “You’d want the moment to stand on its own.”

“I hate how accurate that was,” Matt mutters. Mox slides his hand in hers.

“Think of all the things we could get up to in a dorm room,” he whispers in her ear, and a shiver floods through her whole body.

“Alright, cake time,” her mom says. “Who wants a corner slice?”