#I am coping very well with this influx of photos recently

[theworldisabrokenbonebutitishome]

Bai Yu Studio

[addressedtomyex]

After the break up of a 2 year relationship, I wrote this letter during the first week.

Here’s the thing, and I know this might sound crazy, over dramatic, attention seeking, and just down right pathetic, but I might not ever get over you.

Whenever I picture my future I see you there, rooting me on. Keeping my dreamful mind realistic and yet confident. You truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Before I met you, I had no direction. I didn’t have any strong male figures in my life and definitely no order. My life was chaos and you were my saving grace. At first, the transition was different but I was so excited to have guidance. Life is beautiful when you learn to see the good in everything instead of seeing the flaws, and you helped me find that within myself. I didn’t expect to be back in school or thinking about a career but you guided me to the right path. You bring out the best in me. You give me happiness, self-respect, and confidence. I'm so grateful for that.

This is very cliche but, you know me like no one else does. You know what it takes to get me moving and inspired. You truly are my best friend. You know what makes me laugh, what I get annoyed at, how to push my buttons the right way and when to just lay down next to me and watch silly videos. We can read each other's expressions, even if we’re not making any. People envy the bond that we have. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard “I wish I had a relationship like yours.”

Life is weird, and I’ll never fully understand it. The brain is weird and I’ll never fully understand that either. What I do understand is that when two people have a bond like this, they should never throw it away. I don’t know what the future holds for us. I know you don’t love me and you might never will but here’s the thing... We were always really close. We were always really good friends, and I want us to always be like that. It will be extremely hard for me to cope with the fact that you will never love me but what’s more important, is to just have you in my life. Who you are, what you stand for and what you’ve done for me. I’ll learn to sacrifice my want for you romantically to be able to keep a strong friendship. When I first met you, I said that I didn’t want to fall for you because I valued our friendship too much. I already knew how much you were going to mean to me. As we starting dating that friendship grew and grew and now, I can’t picture my life without it. I don’t want a future without you. No matter what that future is.

There’s still so many things that I want to do with you. I want to go on late night drives with no destination, just to look at the stars. I want to travel to foreign countries and eat food I can’t pronounce the name of. I want to take a fun fitness class with you. I want to take cooking classes, well I’d take a baking one because we both know I love sweets. I want you to be there when I graduate and sweep me off my feet and carry me through the crowd. I want you to finally teach me how to drive and help me find a reliable car. (side note: I’m just so scared and I’m sorry how frustrating it can be that I don't drive.) I want you to teach me a different language or learn piano but I’m always so embarrassed to try something like that because I don’t want you to think I’m stupid if I can’t grasp it. I’ve never been able to tell you that either and I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to admit things like that. Most importantly, I want you to see me become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I want you by my side as I accept a job offer from my dream production company. I want you to be proud of the woman you helped me become.

Okay, this part is hard, but I have to say it. I need you to know what I’ve been going through. It’s been really hard the past few days. I keep looking back at photos and texts looking for answers but only finding love, only finding hope. It’s hard to make sense of it all and I ask myself a lot of questions. One moment I’m crying and screaming begging for things to change. The next I have feelings of hatred followed by “I don't need you” and my life will be better off. Then I miss you and the cycle starts again.

I started hating you for making me feel this way. I tried to push you out of my mind but that never works.  I can't stop thinking about how you feel, how you smell. I miss your good night kisses and morning goodbyes. There are spots where your face is missing on my walls, where love once hung. Night time is the hardest. Getting changed and trying to prepare for the tears is unbearable. I never knew I could cry this much, care this much. I’m starting to feel worthless and pathetic. I feel like I’ll never be loved because if I'm not good enough for you, then I'll never be good enough for anyone. I’m having crazy anxiety and an influx of numerous emotions constantly.

My eyes were so swollen on Wednesday, I could hardly open them. It looked like a bee stung both of them. My first thoughts before opening my eyes are of your face and how you’re doing. Then my second thought is, “Donald Trump is president and my boyfriend of two years just dumped me because he doesn't love me anymore. What the hell is this world coming to?”. Once the swelling in my eyes went down, I could see a bit more clearly. I thought “Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you were never the person I was supposed to be with. Maybe I just wanted you to be that person.” But maybe, just maybe you really were.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night crying and shaking. I want to scream as loud as I can. I want to punch and kick and break everything. I want to do crazy things like move to a different country where no one knows me and just start over. I can't think logically and I’m mad because nothing makes sense. My head pounds from crying so much. My body aches from all the pain, making it hard to do anything without being constantly reminded. Even if you aren't on my mind my body is still feeling the repercussions.

I hate that you’re leaving me. I hate that everything changed.

I can’t stop thinking about you and what you’re doing. I constantly want to call you and talk to you about how I feel even though I know you don’t have anything to say. I haven’t been able to eat for days. I just want you to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. The pain is unbearable. No one can stop it but you. I love you more than I love myself and that’s fucked up. I feel like you don’t appreciate me or anything I’ve done for you. I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of getting my hopes up. I tired of thinking I matter when I don’t. I just want to sleep until everything is ok again. It’s shitty to think about how much potential I thought my life had two months ago. I was starting to feel real happiness and now I'm lower than ever. I need sympathy from you. I feel like you're just mad at me for being so sad and it’s making everything so much worse. I should be getting out of the house and trying to find ways to forget about you and move on but I can’t. I’m tired of waking up in the morning and crying. You’re my best friend and you’re only person I want to talk with. We’ve been like that since 2014.  I’m so lost without you. I’m so fucking lonely every day.

I miss the way I look when I’m happy. I miss the way I’d feel every morning. I miss the glow you gave me. I want to be able to smile again.

Every song I hear is about you. Every plan I make, I think about you. Every person I talk to will ask me about you. My life is all about you. Every moment is a moment of denial. “This isn’t happening”, “He’s gonna change his mind”, “I know he loves me”. Every day I wake up and I still don’t think you’re gone. It just feels wrong. Like some sick joke. I don’t know when it will go away, it’s haunting. I begged to a god that doesn’t exist to take everything I have just so I can have you. Every corner I turn, every person that walks past me, I hope it’s you. My optimism is killing me one false hope at a time.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but I’m going to anyway. I wanted to marry you. I pictured what our wedding photos would look like, what our kids would look like, what type of house we’d live in and where our dog would play. I pictured going on family vacations and huge dinners on Holidays. I thought about how we would raise our children and all the amazing things we could teach them. I pictured how incredibly smart and beautiful they would be. I envisioned a perfect future. But most importantly, I pictured you always being my big, strong, man.

I’m 26 and I don't want to spend the next 5 years searching for a man to marry just to find out later on that he’s not the one. I don't want to be an “old mom” I wanted to start a life with a family by 35. I feel that it’s impossible now. You were everything I ever wanted.

My friends and family tell me “How could anyone NOT love you?” which makes everything a lot worse. I began asking myself why you wouldn’t love me and if not me then who? And that’s the worst part. I keep thinking “WAKE UP, everything you could ever possibly want and have is right here in front of you.” What makes this so hard is the fact that nothing really bad happened. There was no cause of death to make sense of it all.

You’ve told me many times that you were confused about life and it’s purpose. You feel like your life is constantly on repeat. You use to be very happy and full of energy. Now, you're constantly tired and you don't have much ambition to go out and do new things. Now that I’m in school, I don't really have a lot of time to go and do random things and that may have added to your sadness. I am normally the one to encourage adventures and change. But I have also been feeling the weight of the world recently. So I haven't really been doing much of anything besides work, school and hanging out with you at home and I’m sorry for that. I hate that everything changed. We use to have so many friends and inside jokes. We use to do so much. Not just you and I but as a group. We use to spend so much time outside.

Jobs suck. If I didn’t have to have a job I’d be traveling the world, meeting people and doing crazy things with the ones I love. But jobs are what keep our lives going. Some people really want a lot of money but don’t need it. It’s important to weigh out salary and happiness. Find out what's more important, and go with that. Never forget that you are your most valuable asset. It’s not your house or your car, it’s you. Always be investing in your own talents and growth.

I want you to be happy. I don’t want you to worry about what life means, I just want you to live it and have fun with it. From my 26 years on this planet, I've learned that life doesn’t really have a purpose. The important things like friends, family, relationships and experiences are what power your life. I’m always going to be here for you. I will always help you through any sort of problems you have. I will always have an open mind and heart. I will never judge you.

I won’t ever give up on you. All good things are worth fighting for, waiting for.  I will always keep trying. I want you at your worst. I want you when you are screaming and crying and you feel like your life is falling apart. I want everything. I love you unconditionally. I’ve loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you.  I will always, always love you. So badly, it hurts.

I’m constantly learning and keeping an open mind to change and growth.  I did everything I could to be the best version of myself for you. I’ll never know what took your love away and that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Sometimes things just don’t end up the way you hoped and there's nothing you can do or say to change it. It’s tough but maybe this is some sort of weird “everything happens for a reason” lesson.

God, we had so many great times together. I’ll never forget the way you look at me when I stand on my tip toes for a kiss. Or the way you laugh when I splash you in the shower, the times we spent so much time in the pool. I loved that. I’ll never forget all of the times you jump out to scare me or all the silly memes you talk about that completely are lost on me. I’ll never forget the first time you kissed me and how I bumped my head on the window moments earlier. I’ll never forget your passion for music and how upset you were when the quality of everything coming out declined, it was such a big bummer for you. I’ll never forget that night you drove me home in the pouring rain just to tell me you loved me at the very end. I’ll never forget that feeling I had when I got inside and screamed. I’ll never forget that feeling of acceptance from your family when I met them for the very first time. I’ll never forget that time you kicked the fan in the litter box and litter and poop went everywhere. I look back at all those moments and live briefly through each photo, each text, each memory. It’s important to remember how we both felt.

As sad as it may make me feel, I want to do it. It helps me remember the good things in life. It keeps me hopeful that maybe I can be happy again. I want to believe there is somebody out there just for me. I want to believe that I exist to be there for that somebody. I can’t wait for the day that somebody tells me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to them and they mean it.

This whole ordeal has taught me that people aren’t going to always be there for me and I need to learn how to handle things on my own. No matter how hard it may be. No matter what comes my way I will always be positive and stay grateful. I will never lose hope and never stop fighting for what I believe in.

You are such an inspiring person and I’m beyond grateful that I was able to share the time that I did with you. I admire you. You’ll never know how much you truly meant to me beyond our relationship. You are undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for that and I hope one day we can have that same strong bond again.