#I am probably gonna barf rainbows once I get my hands on this

[sunlitriddle]

I might be a little excited for this game

[ardentmuse]

Hello, my little love bugs!

2k followers is fast approaching and I am not willing to wait for it! So we’re having a celebration now.

As many of you know, toddle started daycare, which means I have 4 hours every morning just to myself. So for the next week, I am devoting all of that time to writing. And with The Good Place coming back so soon, why not do some prompts based on the wittiest, silliest, most gut-wrenchingly romantic dialogue on television? AND why not add two new fandoms while we’re at it, just to get some good stuff goin’!

The Rules:

Must be following me (@ardentmuse)

Must submit me an ask with a number of a prompt and a character

Must like this post

Should reblog, but obviously live your own life, run with your blog aesthetic and just be happy

Only one submission per person, please!

Block “#ardentmuse almost 2k celebration” if you don’t want to see these for whatever reason (though I promise they will be good. My story with the most notes ever - over 1.5k now - was from one of these challenges)

Each ask will become a reader-insert imagine. Aiming for ~1k words for each of these, but we’ll see where the spirits take me.

Note that as I am going to be devoting all my writing time for the next week to this, I am not setting a hard cut off regarding number of submissions, but do know that I won’t be addressing these forever. Once the new Good Place season starts, I’m going to be washing my hands of whatever requests still sit in my inbox.

Character list and prompt list below the cut.

Hugs, Lia

Characters:

Note: all responses will be reader inserts (no x ships). Also, this list is off the top of my head so if I missed anyone that you really want to see, let me know.

Kingsman:

Harry Hart

Merlin (Hamish Mycroft)

Eggsy Unwin

Tequila

Whiskey (Jack Daniels)

James Spenser (Lancelot)

Roxy Morton

Harry Potter:

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Percy Weasley

Fred Weasley

George Weasley

Ron Weasley

Harry Potter

Neville Longbottom

Draco Malfoy

Sirius Black

James Potter

Remus Lupin

HPHM:

Bill Weasley

Charlie Weasley

Talbott Winger

Barnaby Lee

Felix Rosier

Marvel:

Bruce Banner

Tony Stark

Peter Parker

Thor Odinson

Steve Rogers

Scott Lang

T’Challa

Game of Thrones:

Jon Snow

Robb Stark

Ned Stark

Tyrion Lannister

Jaime Lannister

Sansa Stark

Margaery Tyrell

Theon Greyjoy

Gendry (Waters)

Podrick Payne

Sandor Clegane

Petyr Baelish

Good Omens:

Aziraphale

Crowley

The Prompts from The Good Place: 

https://ardentmuse.tumblr.com/post/187504106261/collectiveyou-hi-guys-im-broken-ya

Hi, guys! I’m broken.

Ya basic.

I was dropped into a cave and you were my flashlight.

Humans only live 80 years and they spend so much of it just waiting for things to be over.

I promise I’m worth it.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

I gotta stay jacked. It’s who I am.

You know, sometimes a flaw can make something even more beautiful.

This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts.

I never thought I’d be the one to say it, but this is getting out of hand. I think we gotta go to the cops.

Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: yes and no.

Well, I’m sure you’re busy, you probably wouldn’t want to talk to me. I get it, I wouldn’t either. I’m as dull as a rock. Ugh, even that analogy was boring. I’m sorry, I’m so dull, and I’m ugly. I’m like a rock. Ugh, stupid! Stop talking about rocks!

She’s so pretty, like Nala from The Lion King. And she talks so smart, like, um, Nala, from The Lion King.

It’s devastating. You’re devastated right now.

Okay, bud, whatever’s going on right now, just shove your feelings way down deep, plaster on a fake smile, and pretend like you’re having fun. Okay?

Ugh, of course your hugs are amazing.

Long story short, it was all a dream.

Right now I’m just a girl, towering over a boy, asking him to admit he loves me.

Pay it forward.

Now I’m living my truth and creating my bliss.

I am attractive, yes.

I don’t think this can be solved with a book.

Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide.

Now I’m bored. Walking is dumb.

You’re awesome! Be nicer to yourself.

I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good. So I simply did myself.

Lies are always more convincing when they’re closer to the truth.

Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Rule number one– I get to do whatever I want, and you all just have to deal with it.

Principles aren’t principles when you pick and choose when you’re gonna follow them.

It’s a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow.

We are not in this alone.

Pobody’s nerfect.

Yep, shouldn’t have said that. Regretted it immediately.

You’re kind of, you know, turtling.

You and I are very different.

I’d say it’s like 50 million simultaneous orgasms, but better.

… I can work with that.

But then I remembered that I’m a naughty bitch.

Oh come on! You and I both know I’ll never read those.

What’s the secret? Is the secret more books? How many more books do I need?

Cool stance. Counterpoint: Get over yourself.

I’m outtie. See you in hell.

That broke me. I’m – I’m done.

I am your hottest friend!

You’re barfing Wikipedia over everyone to avoid talking about your feelings.

No matter what he does, we will find each other. And we will help each other. Because we’re soulmates.

I’m going to hug you because I love you. And because you feel just as alone as I do.

That’s insane. But it’s also like the eleventh most insane thing to happen today so who cares.

A: That’s not a question. B: So you agree, it’s a fact.

[romancevsreality-blog]

the bachelor, season twenty-two, episode ten: go away, SCUMBAG.

Oh, y’all didn’t think I was just gonna disappear on you, did you?

Unfortunately for me, I got spoiled early on in the season1 and once that became glaringly clear it was going to be true, I lost all interest in the season until that was going to happen. But alas, here we are. The finale of El Bachelor.

But first, I must get something off of my chest.

From this moment going forward, Arie will now be known as Arby.

Why, do you ask? Because he is the living embodiment of the worst fast-food dining experience I have ever had, which was at an Arby’s.

Much like Arby’s, Arie isn’t awful all the time. It has its moments of decent glory, which is fine. In a pinch, it’s there and it gets the job done. Would I personally want to have it every single day? No, but I know people who wouldn’t complain about that life. No one ever gets super excited about Arby’s, though. We kind of forget Arby’s until there’s no other preferable options around. Arby’s will make you sick and then give you some coupons to make up for it and then two days later you still have explosive diarrhea and you’re wondering “Why did I even take the coupons?”

If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m Becca, and Arie is Arby’s in this scenario.

The episode opens with My Mortal Enemy Chris Harrison talking us live on the air and telling us that we’re going to see a completely un-edited version of the final scene of the season. I get the dramatic effect of doing all of this, but like… that just sounds like a lot of dead air. Anyway, we’re still in Peru! Arby’s struggling with the idea that at the end of all of this, he has to choose someone.

Right? That’s what his issue is. He doesn’t like the fact that he has to choose. There’s a struggle in that Becca is who he probably should be with, and The Last Remaining Lauren is the one he wants2 because he likes the way her hair moves, or something. A literal rainbow shines over Becca when she comes up wearing the jean jacket with the sheepskin every boy who grew up in Brooklyn has in both denim and leather. The editors can’t fake a rainbow.

I mean they can, but it would be absolutely monstorous to do that. Like, if anything could get me to stop watching this show, a fake ass rainbow is the thing to do it.

Lauren comes out with a glass of champagne and writes in her gournal and Arby’s like “she’s a risk, she’s been reserved, she doesn’t know if she wants to open up - but she loves me!” Lauren’s gournal is probably just her writing “Mrs. Lauren Ludfjdhlfjsfheljahdsfkchyk” over and over, let’s be real. Girl ain’t got a thought deep enough to journal about.

We’re seeing Arby’s family for the first time since he dragged Krystal to Scottsdale. The only advice his dad has for him is “Good luck, buddy.” Which is great advice from a parent who’s never been in this scenario. The Last Remaining Lauren is so nervous when meeting his parents because… she could be getting engaged to their son after all of this? I mean, I’ve met my significant others’ parents, both serious and not-so-serious, but usually it’s not that big of a deal.

God, I’m going to nitpick everything Lauren says in this episode, aren’t I? I mean, she also barely speaks, so...

Lauren admits that she’s not cool and she’s like “every date is amazing! Everything is amazing!” Arby basically mansplains how she’s feeling to her, and I barf. Lauren says the most words ever when she gives a toast and it’s so… bland. “Here’s to meeting the family of the man I love!!!!” Okay, Lauren. Okay. Lauren’s afraid of getting engaged and it not working out like it did previously, but Arby is good at reassuring her that everything is going to be okay. Which is a good thing to Lauren, but Arby’s like, “dude, am I going to constantly have to remind her that it’s okay, because we’ve actually never had a real conversation and that’s exhausting.”

How do you love someone you’ve never had a real conversation with?

Lauren talks to Arby’s mom about the fact that she loves Arby but she knows there’s another girl in the picture. Arby’s mom is actually really good in the moment because yeah, it’s hard. Can you imagine? She does her best to reassure Lauren and tells her to remain positive and then Lauren admits that she doesn’t like to talk about her feelings. I wonder what compelled Lauren to go on this show, then?

My favorite part is that Lauren, who just admitted she wasn’t cool, gets called “cool” by Arby’s mom.

The next day, Arby’s entire family is like, “alright, I guess we’ll meet Becca now, whatever,” and Becca rolls up with a basket and a gorgeous bouquet of flowers because no girl who works in PR isn’t gonna come through with the big guns, OKAY? Arby and Becca have a conversation that basically confirms what we later know to be true - Arby wants to want Becca, but Arby really wants a girl like Lauren. He doesn’t like the fact that Becca’s so confident in their relationship and wants to reassure her from time to time. He thinks he doesn’t want a woman to need him, but that’s all he wants3.

Arby’s family immediately takes to Becca - save for Arby’s mom, who is still Team Lauren. Becca turns that around with no effort and Arby’s mom is like, “yeah, they’re both great.” Arby’s dad asks Becca how she feels about Lauren, and Becca’s like, “uh… she’s great but we’re not best friends.” They didn’t need to air this. So boring. Arby’s dad is like, “eh, I’ll be fine regardless of who he picks.” Literally every time she sits down with a member of Arby’s family, they’re like, “So, Lauren, right?” What did she do yesterday to have these people so under her spell?!

Arby sits down with his family and talks through his dilemma, and his family is pretty much 100% in on Becca, because she’s the clear better choice. She doesn’t have reservations about their relationship.

Back at the live studio, Caroline has appeared! Caroline, who will make a great Paradise contestant alongside Bekah M and Tia, caused a mighty uproar at Women Tell All when she looked Arby dead in the eyes and said, “Bitch, I know what you did, and you should be ashamed of yourself. (Bitch was my personal inclusion.) Caroline still maintains that if what she’s heard is true, Arby is despicable and vile garbage. He doesn’t know what he wants and went through the process believing one thing but actually doing another.

It’s Arby’s last date with Lauren, and he’s feeling melancholic about it. That’s not the first time anyone’s used “melancholy” in reference to Arby. They’re going to Machu Picchu, on a private train, which obviously means someone’s getting Murdered on the Orient Express or they’re going to The Bad Place. Trains don’t mean anything good is going to come. Even Snowpiercer. That movie was about a train, and it was AWFUL. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. And they’re making a TV show about it?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO TILDA.

They hold hands and talk about the clouds and they make out. I have no interest in ever kissing Arby. Kissing Bandit, my ass. They even sneak away from the cameras to make out, blarg. Arby loves that she has a “speckle in her left eye” and I’m not sure what that means. Does she have a sty? They go to dinner, and Lauren basically says the most words she’s ever said ever. He talks about how what they have is inexplicable and he just has a feeling, and it’s like… Yeah, neither does the rest of America. Because she’s said 5 words so far. She talks about their life which is basically make dinner and go to bed. And hang out with their dogs.

... Normal couple stuff.

Oh, this really seems like a couple I’m on board with.

Arby is so in love with her. It’s so weird.

Bekah and Sienne are seating with Chris Harrison and Bekah spills some T - if Arby is really so conflicted, he shouldn’t propose at all. She also gives a look that is simultaneously horror and disgust at the idea of being where Becca and Lauren are right now.

Arby meets with Becca on a rainy day, and Becca looks so European Vacation chic. Look at her body suit. I love her. They get to walk the streets of Cusco4 and meet some alpacas. I would like to kiss an alpaca more than I would ever like to kiss Arby. We get some ominous talk while Becca prepares her hotel room for Arby’s arrival5 and we hear her say, in so many words, that a relationship with her and Arby would be an equal partnership, and Lauren’s basically just like every other girl he’s ever dated. They declare that they don’t have any problems in their relationship (oh honey) and they don’t have questions for each other (oh HONEY). It’s foreboding. I’m nervous.

There was a moment when the girls were getting dressed that I was convinced that Lauren was winning because Lauren clearly got the Winners’ Dress6. Arby, however, woke up that morning still conflicted, and he shouldn’t have gone through with it.

Arby’s wearing a navy suit, and Lauren steps out of the limo first. Whomp whomp. I forget every season they’re forced to talk to Chris Harrison for 10 seconds before stepping into meet their fate. I mean, it’s literally like meeting the devil.

Lauren gives a long speech about how she’s feeling but it doesn’t matter anyway so we’re moving on. Lauren goes from 0 to pissed in half a second, and she’s just confused. Arby’s like “I didn’t decide until this morning!” and I would be so mad if I had heard that come out of the mouth of the man I loved. Just sittin’ around, eating eggs, deciding we’re not going to be in love anymore. Okay, sure.

Lauren lets her real bitch flag fly in the limo exit, and she’s so snotty and snarky. She does ask how he’s going to get down on one knee over a decision he made earlier that day.

Becca looks gorgeous and ugh, knowing what happens, just proves Chris Harrison is literally leading her through the gates of hell. Arby literally can’t even smile when Becca is talking about how she wants to do the damn thing with him. He gets down on one knee and he chooses her today and every day “here on out”, which is going to make the next half hour very painful.

They transition us into the Happy Couple Montage - they’re in hammocks! They make pizza! They pretend they know how to play Chess! Becca looks so happy, and Arby’s just… there. He’s been thinking about Lauren. Why are you thinking about her, though? Because she’s an empty vessel of a person you can project your hopes and dreams onto? (Yes.) He feels guilty with Becca, because it’s not fair to be in a relationship with someone who’s only half-in. He wants to risk it all with Lauren, which basically sounds like he’s going to wear a colored tie instead of grey one.

That’s not a risk. The risk is that America is going to hate you - and her - after all of this goes down. What’s at risk is your reputation and your integrity, Arby. Lauren is not a risk. You’re leaving an interesting girl for an uninteresting (and far too young for you) girl.

Arby continues to claim that Becca’s seen his struggling with his relationship with her vs. Lauren, and Becca has no idea.

As in, they brought the cameras in, flew Becca there, to have him break up with her on camera. They’re gonna blindside her with CHRIS HARRISON. She thinks they’re going to have a “happy couple weekend”, for Christ’s sakes. She’s so happy-go-lucky and she’s not prepared.

They cut to the audience, where they’re booing Arby.

What we get is a split-screen, unedited version of the breakup between Arby and Becca. As soon as Arby arrives, Becca’s like, “you’re making me nervous.” She knows. He won’t look at her in the eye. He’s distracted by her tattoo. She’s still nervous. He’s still thinking about Lauren, and he can’t get past the feelings he has for her. And the longer the two of them hang out, the less likely he’ll be able to reconcile with Lauren.

Fuck Arby for this, and fuck him so hard.

You see Becca realize that all of this is going to be on camera, and that’s why he brought her there. To break up with her. In front of the cameras. That, to me, is the cruelest part. Not leaving her for the girl you didn’t pick - the harshness of doing it in front of the cameras for television.

Also, THAT IS HOW IT FUCKING WORKS. The more time you spend with your fiancee, the less likely it is that you’re going to be with someone else. Because you told her you wanted to marry her, you jackass.

Becca has the perfect and only worthy response: “Are you fucking kidding me?”

He acts like he wants her sympathy or something. We find out that Arby and Lauren had talked, and of course he had. He talks about “fairness” and how it’s not fair being half-in with Becca when he wants to be all-in with Lauren. He told Becca that basically he picked her because that’s what made sense logically, and that he couldn’t imagine marrying Lauren.

He tries to do the whole “make it better” thing, and she’s just baffled.

I mean, she’s doing much better than I would in this moment. They wouldn’t be able to legally air my footage because I would be in jail.

When Becca took off her ring, I screamed, THROW IT IN HIS FACE THROW IT AT HIM MAKE HIM CHOKE ON IT!!!!!!!!

Becca tells him if he was so conflicted, he shouldn’t have gotten down on one knee. He seems to want her sympathy for how hard he’s going to have to work. He’s a fucking child and I hate him.

I haven’t hated someone on TV like this in a while.

Becca gets up and walks away after they sit in silence for a while, and we see her packing up her stuff. Arby follows her.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

He follows her, and she’s like, “I’m not gonna, like, hug you good-bye, or anything.” Because why should she, really? He’s doing that annoying thing where he wants to control the narrative at this point.

He wants her to lash out so he can tell everyone she’s crazy.

He wants her to fight for him and beg for him to stay, so he can feel like he’s been won.

Arby asks if she wants a few minutes for herself, and she says she wants him to leave. He actually exits the house, and we hear Becca sobbing in the bathroom.

Arby goes BACK IN THE HOUSE. LEAVE, MOTHERFUCKER ELASFKLDSJF;DS LEEEEEEAVE

This is all so cruel and you can tell Becca wants nothing more than to be alone but literally she’s just surrounded by cameras and producers and people and Arby. Chris Harrison guides us down this horrible spiral, pretending not to be gleeful at the footage they recieved. This is all so unnecessary, and the split-screen doesn’t help much. And bullshit at the unediting scenes - they cut Arby’s camera to black right before he goes outside, because you know there was a producer out there yelling GET THE FUCK BACK IN THERE AND MAKE HER SMASH SHIT.

This is cruel. Arby sits on the couch and listens to her weep long enough that she thinks he’s left before he continues to try to talk to her and I want to punch him in the face.

Leave her alone. Do not touch her. She is not yours and she does not deserve your time. You’ve told her she’s not who you’re picking. She is being graceful and he is not worthy whatosever.

We thought Jake Pavelka was bad, Jesus.

He refuses to leave her while she’s crying and I am literally just saying ohmigodleaveohmigodleaveohmigodleaveohmigodleaveohmigodleave over and over. He doesn’t want to get married, he doesn’t want anything. He wants to chase forever and he definitely is in the middle of a mid-life crisis. He’s not in love with Lauren, either - he’s in love with control and having all the power. Becca wanted it to be equal. Arby could never.

We sit down with Becca and Chris Harrison, and she gets a loud round of applause. Because she was graceful when she didn’t need to be. She’s going to see him again, tomorrow. With Lauren.

Oh, god. I hope someone throws a tomato at Arby.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

Who was more sociopathic - Arby v. Becca, Luke v. Stassi, Bentley v. Emily, or Joe v. Juelia? Answer: Chris Harrison.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I’m 100% sure my friend Maggie is going through my Instagram and filling out an application for me to go on the show. Can someone tell her to wait until we at least see our options from La Bachelorette? Love you, Magz.

Becca’s got a nice butt. Like, she’s got long legs and a really nice butt. She’s gonna crush it.

This blog was NOT sponsored by Arby’s. However, if they decide in retrospect, I’ll take it.

My favorite part of the episode was the camera cutting to Tia in the audience as she's realizing she may not be the next Bachelorette after all.

I hope Becca’s first question is “Why the cameras, though?”

ABC really didn’t GAF this season though, ruining the potential of Another Mesnick by putting it on the cover of last week’s US Weekly. ↩︎

Probably because he’s projecting some kind of opinion on her like she reminds him of the woman who broke his heart on national television last time. ↩︎

Seriously - if a man tells you he wants a strong, confident woman, he absolutely does not. Your strength will, to him, read as an affront to his masculinity and his own personal strength. Trust me. I’m going through this right now. He only wants you to be strong in a manner that benefits him. The minute you try to work on your own, that’s when you’ll see it. ↩︎

You’re telling me that Lauren “We’ll Make Dinner” B got MACHU PICCHU and Becca gets to cry in the rainy wind?! ↩︎

Like Postmates, but worse. ↩︎

For more on the Winners’ Dress theory, listen to my podcast! ↩︎