#I apologize for my inactivity I have mostly been on twitter and discord

[mimis9thcircle]

Lovers <3

[dappy-dappernette]

IMPORTANT: PLEASE READ

Well, here it is. Since me defending myself last time without naming anyone is a “call out post” I wonder what this is.

CW: Discussion of abuse, manipulation, and accusations of gr--ming, s-icide faking.

While it may not seem like it, since last year I have been paranoid and looking over my shoulder due to certain things that have come to light regarding someone who I had once considered a friend. The person who has gone on to blatantly lie about my friends and I as well as accusing me of a serious crime based on lies and manipulations is the user @Chibidashie (on Tumblr)/ @Chibiidashie (on Twitter) also known as @Wonderful-World-Of-Hetalia, @Purin-Hime, and @hetalia-themagicalmanac on Tumblr. 

I’d like to keep this as brief and concise as possible, and while she has made multiple posts vagueing my friends and I, I will be primarily responding to the claims made in this post ( https://www.tumblr.com/chibidashie/700598829666451456/alright-this-is-gonna-be-very-risky-posting-here?source=share ) she made about my friends and I on tumblr, though I will also address other notable times she has mentioned me. I will also only be responding to the claims she has made against me and/or my gf, as I don’t feel like it’s my place to speak for the rest of my friends, especially since some of them will be making their own posts regarding the situation.

Something I’d also like to address before we start is that while I do have screenshots for most of these incidents, I don’t have screenshots for all of them, as some of these conversations have happened over VC and while we are telling our truth, we understand if you are skeptical about those specific sections.

Here is my friend Mick's post about the situation, since it mostly started between him and Cheebs: Here

(The rest of the post under the cut)

Some Context:

I had met Cheebs about two years ago in my friend Mick’s (then known as Gil and who will be referred to as such in screenshots later) old Hetatwt discord server, and sometime later she would join my own (now inactive) server.

Mick and Cheebs have a much longer history together than she does with me, though I do not believe it’s my place to speak much on that as that is his story to tell. However, sometime after Cheebs and Mick had joined the friend group, Mick and Cheebs had a falling out. She reacted to this by going to most of her and Mick’s mutual friends (including me) in an attempt to turn us against him, however when we asked him, Mick told us the truth and provided full context to what happened.

Later, Cheebs contacted me to apologize once again, and while I did try to remain mature about it, after everything that had happened I was already hurt and tired enough and finally told her off. To which she apologized again, and said she’ll improve herself and come back to give us a genuine apology when she was ready.

“The Beginning of a Calamity”

(I will be starting off with this section, as it’s the start of the accusations Cheebs has levied against me. When Cheebs is referring to A she’s referring to me, P for Mick, and S for Salt, my gf. Mick is also referred to as “Gil” in some of the screenshots, as that was a name he used to go by. The reason why Cheebs calls Mick P is because an old name he went by was “Percy” and the reason why Cheebs uses A to refer to me is because my legal name starts with an A. This will become important later)

“People like P and A had suddenly decided to exclude me, saying that my oc I had since I was 16 suddenly made them uncomfortable.”

We did not “suddenly” decide to “exclude” you from the rps in our servers because we were “suddenly uncomfortable” out of nowhere. We had our own reasons as to why we were uncomfortable with your OC’s inclusion in the rp.

The main OC that Cheebs would rp in these servers is her OC Mary, a child. The main issue that we had with her rping this character isn’t “Oh an adult rping a kid is weird and gross”, it’s that she tried to push her again, child OC, into an rp where characters who were pretty awful people (much less anyone you’d trust with a kid) were discussing and engaging in scenarios that are highly inappropriate for children, with the main topics usually being about drugs and suggestive themes. 

It would have been one thing if we were simply rping a fun slice of life rp or if Cheebs was rping an of age character but still excluded her, but that wasn’t the case. Many of us were very uncomfortable with her trying to insert a child into these sorts of situations and were simply trying to reinforce our boundaries.

“People, including A and their friends posted art on the art channel and would get a lot of responses from everyone on the server. I would post my art...and it seemed like I did not exist. A and their friends would post art over me, drowning my art in praise for A and their friends.”

This isn’t true, there are multiple instances where we would respond to her art. Were they lengthy comments where we would go into deep detail about what we liked? Not really but we did at least acknowledge and compliment her work and tried to show appreciation. Not only that, but Cheebs would also do the same to us, multiple times.

Also-

“this had reminded me of a similar occurrence in which a popular artist in the same fandom had done this as a tactic to harass me and send porn in servers that minors were present in.”

This came out of complete left field, and was most likely an attempt to paint me in a similar predatory light. She will try to do this again later on in the same post, which only adds weight to my concerns regarding this statement.

“Meanwhile on A's server, A would dehumanize me into nothing more than a living, breathing joke, despite knowing well that I am autistic and a survivor. One vc I clearly remember was something that went like this:A: Guys, my cat is in my room!Me: tell your cat I love them!A: Okay! [Pause] ...Oh? What's that? Cheebs, My cat says she hates you.”

I won’t deny that I’ve made this joke before, I’ve actually made it multiple times. However, what Cheebs fails to mention is that I didn’t single her out when making jokes like this, this is literally just how I joke with friends in general. The rest of the people who were on VC with us can vouch for it, and have had this joke and similar jokes directed towards them before while Cheebs was present in VC.

Not only that, but if Cheebs was so hurt by it, then she should have mentioned it to me instead of just laughing along with us. How am I supposed to magically know how others feel without them telling me? If she was honest with me and told me how it made her feel I would’ve stopped making those jokes, but she never told me, and now I’m at fault for not being able to read her mind?

“yet nobody in A's server really seemed to care that I was hurting and quite literally living a massive flashback from having so many ptsd episodes. they simply did not care at all nor asked if I was okay.”

I assume she’s talking about her vents in the vent chat and the lack of response to them, which again, something she seems to purposefully leave out is the fact that the vent chat was only accessible to people with the vent chat role. Not only that, but some of us had the vent chat muted at the time, as many of us were dealing with our own struggles and were not in the proper headspace to check on it often.

What only makes this statement even more frustrating is that even with that, there were still people who did check up on her and respond to her vents, such as Mick and my SO, Salt.

P’s server:

“They had also been uncomfortable at the fact I was venting about how A had hurt and dehumanized me countless times, and had not been held accountable by the people around them. They truly believed that I was shit-talking about A, when I was living a flashback of how A reminded me so much of our abuser personality-wise. P had sided with A.”

Held accountable for what? Not being able to read your mind on what jokes you were and weren’t comfortable with? Again, I apologize if whatever jokes I’ve made has made you uncomfortable, but you can’t vilify me for not knowing when you made no effort to tell me at the time.

And Mick wasn’t uncomfortable with you simply “venting”, he was uncomfortable with you lying about me and twisting the truth while naming me, while I was none the wiser to what was going on and still thought we were cool. Again, as I’ve repeated before, if you had simply stated your boundaries and come to me about how you felt then I would have respected them. But you never did.

safe space breached

“A had never interacted at all since joining my server, only basically watching me.”

I’m barely active on most servers I’m in, even the servers of some of my closest friends. And I’ll even admit this, I almost never checked Cheeb’s server, and whenever I did it was to get rid of the tagged notification that would pop up often. However this wasn’t out of malicious intent, I’m just the type of person who’ll join a server but barely say or do anything in it and Cheebs is reaching if she believes this is “evidence of espionage”.

“A's s/o, S, would interact and occasionally join game night with my friends, but even S had a very good facade that they were committed acts of espionage for the love of A”

This specific line makes me a lot angrier than it should. Because not only is this a fucking lie (again), but even when the rest of us were beginning to catch onto Cheeb’s true nature, Salt was the one to actually try to stick with Cheebs and try to be the best friend she could to her even when she herself was uncomfortable or hurt by Cheebs. We were even hesitant to tell Salt everything that Cheebs had done, including talking shit about Salt behind her back, because we didn’t want to force a wedge between Salt and who we perceived as a friend she loved.

Salt wasn’t spying on you Cheebs, and didn’t even know about our issues with you and how you talked about her behind closed doors until we told her. She trusted you and stuck by you even at the cost of her own comfort and mental health, and you decided to repay her by lying about her behind her back.

“(which i theorize that A had actually groomed S due to the fact that when i met them in A's server, A was 18 and S was 16 as well as the power imbalance between the two.)”

Well, this again is a blatant lie. And a really dangerous accusation to carelessly toss around without evidence. Salt and I are the same age, with the age gap between us being only 8 months. I’ve already disproven this claim with evidence in this post: https://www.tumblr.com/the-doll-house-gallery/712497364283326464?source=share

I should also mention that while she only uses the first initials of our usernames (or legal name in my case) to refer to us here on this post, she had referred to us by name in her server.

And while you might go “Well this was in private so it’s ok” word and gossip still spreads around, and I’ve lost friends because someone had lied about me like this before.

abusive conflict

Well this one is going to be a doozy to get through

“I had dmed A about the fact i was not a fool and i knew that everyone involved (P, S, F and D) were hiding something about me. I had no answer until around midnight, in which A verbally abused me by accusing me of guilt-tripping, as well as bringing up past mistakes of mine to make themselves appear morally superior. i admit, i had made mistakes that can easily be solved in A’s server from communicating with each other, but A had verbally abused me over dms to the point that i had a panic attack late at night, with only 2 hours of sleep and a long work day in the morning.”

This isn’t what happened at all, quite the opposite actually. Cheebs came crawling to me, begging for forgiveness. And while I did respond at midnight (for her, I’m CT not EST), it’s not as though Cheebs messaged me earlier in the day with me deliberately responding late at night so she could barely have energy to work the next day, because Cheebs had initially messaged me from 11:30 pm - 12:00 am EST. 

I also had work the next day and was already stressed enough with preparing for upcoming classes when Cheebs had suddenly messaged me that late at night, tired, stressed, and at my wits end with Cheeb’s constant excuses, I messaged her this:

I, and many others, were tired of her not only dragging us into her falling out with Mick and her attempts to turn us against him, but also her overall two faced behaviour towards the rest of us as well. While yes, I could’ve worded this much nicer, at this point I was already tired and hurt by what she had done to us. I was the one who ended up confronting her about these problems, not the other way around.

“i had begged A to stop with the verbal abuse, but A was unrelenting. A kept going about how i was a terrible person for standing up for myself and being upset of P leaving me, in which they had told me “go apologize to P”, despite also saying "your apologies do not mean anything to us".”

I did not say this, as you can see in my message to her what I actually said and meant was “Apologies don’t mean anything if you don’t follow through with them”, and they don’t. Apologies are meant as an expression of feeling sorry for your actions and that you’ll at least try to do better, but they really don’t mean anything if you just keep repeating what you were apologizing for. It’s not a “get out of jail free card” you can use over and over again.

You also didn’t “beg” me to “stop verbally abusing you”, so I don’t know where that came from.

I also didn’t tell Cheebs to “Apologize to Mick for getting mad at him abandoning you” I told her to apologize to him for trying to drag everyone else into this situation and attempt to turn us against him, when this was all happening he was incredibly stressed out because she just kept running to anyone who knew him to tell them “He’s actually a terrible, cruel person who ABANDONED me and his friends!” while refusing to hear why he wanted to distance himself from her (which he will go into more detail in his own post).

“i had asked A if they were spying on me. what A said was something like “no, but P told me everything.”. A contradicted themselves, and i had assumed so; they too were a snake.”

“Something like” so not what I had actually said. This is how the conversation went:

But looking back on our messages, I was misremembering the situation. Before I joined, Cheebs told me that she was “cleaning her vents” and I got worried that she was shit talking Mick, but didn’t tell him immediately right away because I felt as though that was invading her privacy at the time. It wasn’t until Mick ended up venting to me that she’s been contacting everyone else, not just me, about the situation with Mick while twisting his words to make him sound worse and to try to get them to turn against him that I decided to tell him my concerns. Which is when he finally broke it to me about what she had been saying about me while naming me.

Cheebs had actually come to apologize to me about this in the past, however, she had only said that she vagued about us in her vents. When in reality, she was apparently naming us and twisting our actions into something more malicious than they actually were.

Also, I wasn’t only still hurt and mad about the “venting” about me, but I was also hurt by the implication of her suddenly deciding to “clean” the vents when I finally joined. That meant in the months after that, she: A- Didn’t even bother to delete those messages and tell the truth of what really happened

B- Still continued to lie about me to that server even after “apologizing” and didn’t want me to see it.

These potential outcomes, along with her trying to hide the truth from me and being overall dishonest, really hurt when I realized the whole truth.

“The last i spoke to A, A had said “come back to me when you apologize to P.””

I didn’t just say “come back when you apologize to Mick” I said “Come back when you resolve this with Mick.”, as in when you two talk through this and try to understand the other and stop taking worse-case assumptions and taking them as the fact and truth.

Foreword

“when A became verbally abusive, i had felt their aftershocks for around two weeks due to underlying ptsd and the fact that this confrontation was abusive in tone, and that they blamed me for all of these issues, from being excluded and all. it reminded me so much of my abuser, that i had begun to question whether i was a horrible person for the fact people had turned against me. even before A confronted me, i was already comparing myself to people like chris-chan and puppychan because of the fact these two were bad, not to mention that i was autistic.”

It was “abusive” in tone because I was angry, I was fucking tired of this situation and hurt by not only the things you had initially done, but also the way you would constantly tell us that you were “sorry” and that you’d “improve” when you never even tried.

Also no one except you compared yourself to Chris-Chan and Puppy-Chan, and no one else even brought up your autism, why are you bringing this up?

“was me venting about being harmed by people who turned against me a bad thing?”

Venting in itself isn’t bad, but what is bad is lying about people and their character while naming them. Stuff like that spreads around and can even be spread to outside your friend group. Again, I’ve lost friendships and now a portion of a community I was in thinks I’m pro-nazi/pro-pedo because of a similar situation like this where someone went around lying about my friends and I behind our backs in private while we were none the wiser.

I’d even argue that naming people while lying about them behind their backs in a private group is even worse than publicly naming them, because it’s an incredibly underhand and scummy tactic to ruin someone’s reputation where they can’t even defend themselves. She knew exactly what she was doing.

“A especially needs to hold themselves accountable, for that they used me for nothing more than jokes at my expense. A’s friends were complacent in letting A get away with being manipulative and still dehumanize me against my will, this includes P.”

Ah yes, hold myself accountable for things I didn’t even know you were uncomfortable with because you refused to tell me. I’m terribly y’all for not being able to read minds.

“they would paint me as mentally unstable and manipulative when none of that is ever true and perhaps due to the fact many of these people were not autistic.”

I don’t need to “paint” you as manipulative because you’ve already proven that you are by your actions, especially in this post. Throughout this post you’ve constantly been catering to everyone’s emotions, tried to make yourself sound smaller and weaker compared to the rest of us than you actually were and are, and bring up things that were never mentioned or have little to nothing to do with the situation to make yourself appear more sympathetic.

An example would be in this very post where you randomly brought up your Polish ancestry out of no where and accused Mick's S/O of calling you a nazi when that never happened:

“yet i had communicated my feelings (as would a therapist would recommend in a situation like this), only to get ignored or given an excuse”

Thank you for admitting that you never told us right here btw, makes it a lot easier on me.

“except these people now use a private twitter account and say things about me without me seeing what they said because they are private accounts.”

Well isn’t this statement ironic with everything that’s happened, also while you have no proof of us shittalking you in private, we do have proof of you shit talking us!

Also

"oh and the fact that i wanted to fake my death bc of them too"

Is really... Alarming, to hear. So you planned to fake your own suicide to make us look worse?

“i sure had wished that this situation was handled better, because it really sucks to see many of my mutuals follow the people involved in hurting me, and i only wish for them to be held accountable, like how i had held myself accountable so many times, but those people could not see that i was truly sorry.”

I wish it was handled better too, but I don’t think I’ll ever be getting that especially since you still vague about us (and presumably still shit talk us in private tho that’s just alleged) over literally a year later. Also how could we even hold ourselves accountable over things we weren’t even aware of??? Also, if being "truly sorry" is lying about others, especially when those lies include false grooming allegations, I'd hate to see you when you aren't.

Additional incidents:

BECAUSE YES THERE’S MORE

Issues with interrupting:

Whenever we’d VC and Cheebs would join, more often than not, she would usually interrupt others and skew the conversation to what she wanted to talk about. Barely letting others speak and often directing the conversation back to her. Multiple times we would gently tell her to stop interrupting everyone else and let other people speak, she would say sorry, but then do it again. 

But one of the worst instances of this happening was when I was venting on call once. That night on call I was having a full on emotional breakdown, I was sobbing and overcome with grief at the time, and even contemplating taking my own life. Most of the server was there and were trying to be there for me, and when I tried to take a quick breath from all that crying, Cheebs thought it was a great time to go “...Sooo, moving on from that- Today is Dashcon’s anniversary!”

This really hurt me and made me feel as though the distress I was going through didn’t matter, so as calmly as I could possibly muster, I asked Cheebs to not interrupt me. Cheebs then disconnected, and Mick had to 

The Fanfic:

Because yes, Cheebs has literally dedicated a chapter of her fanfic to this situation. How do we know this? Because not only is one of the villains named Percival, the extended version of the name Percy (which Mick used to go by at the time), while one of them is named Aiden whose name starts and ends with the same letters as my legal name. 

But also because most of the things that these characters do is what Cheebs accused us of (along with her adding on additional worse things to appear more sympathetic), as well as her admitting that she based it on how “Old friends treated me” and looking at the timing of this message, it matches up.

The fanfic is “Those Fleeting Dreams of Mine” and the chapter is “Chapter 12: The Boy in the Beast” Here is the fic and the exact chapter where Aiden and Percival show up so you can read it yourselves: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35651113/chapters/104722581#workskin

This is where I feel Cheebs becomes more insidious in her ways of slandering us and trying to make herself look like the victim.

In this fanfic Percival, Aiden, and their friends are described as a “gang”, violently physically assault Jack (Cheeb’s self insert), are described as rowdy, violent, thieves, and “demons”. The main reason why I take issue with these things specifically, especially with the way she makes the falling out seem more violent on our end is because- Mick and I are not white. Mick is african-American and I am Southeast Asian. The rest of our friend are all Latine, while Cheebs is white.

Cheebs knows we’re darker skinned POC, she’s seen our faces in video calls before and she has listened in on our conversations regarding our experiences as racial minorities. She knows that black and brown people struggle with stereotypes of being violent and crude gang members, stereotypes that can get people attacked or even killed. Yet she still decided it was a good idea to portray characters that are blatantly based on us as violent delinquents attacking her weak and helpless self insert based on herself, a white woman.

Could she have just written this just for the sake of it? Perhaps. But going by her logic as well, with her accusing me of being ablest for simply calling her manipulative in my other post defending myself, it wouldn’t be too far of a reach to think she’s applied this logic to her fanfic. This is literally the definition of “White woman tears”. Words can’t describe how disturbed and uncomfortable I felt seeing her portray us in this way, especially when she knew of the shit we and our people have to deal with.

Also in that boat:

We never called you that, and it’s weird that you would even bring that up (this was before we found out about the fanfic, and looking back at it in retrospect…)

The “Neurotypical” comic:

 Shortly after I found out that Cheebs was accusing me of being a “groomer”, I decided to make a post defending myself and showing evidence of Salt and I being the same age. Cheebs had apparently felt threatened by this, even though I never named her, never brought up her autism, and even kept her gender identity private. In response she made this comic:

This was the description:

This post was made a couple days after I posted the post where I defended myself against her accusations of grooming. Not only is this comic grossly misrepresenting the situations (my post was me defending myself against this claims with evidence, and Cheeb’s “vents” were her lying about me while using my name), but also- I’m most likely not neurotypical, and Mick isn’t either.

Mick is professionally diagnosed with ADHD and PTSD and self diagnosed with Autism, and while I’m not professionally diagnosed with anything, that doesn’t confirm whether I’m neurotypical or not, and based on my own behaviours I’ve noted growing up I believe I might have either ADHD and/or Autism.

I currently cannot get a professional diagnosis due to financial issues, familial/cultural issues, and transportation issues. I currently don’t have any means to get diagnosed, and even if I did, familial and cultural pressure from my family has scared me into being unable to ask them for help.

This is something I would bring up frequently in the server we were in, and Cheebs was well aware of this. So it feels incredibly callous of her to use this as a way to make it seem like we’re a bunch of “mean neurotypicals attacking someone for being autistic”. Which makes this situation even more baffling is that Cheebs supports self-diagnosis but still uses other’s inability to be professionally diagnosed as a point against them:

So is self-diagnosis valid until it’s inconvenient for you Cheebs?

The “Draw Your Squad” incident:

This was in response to a draw the squad picture my friend Bowie drew of us:

The reason why Cheebs wasn’t in this picture was because this “Draw Your Squad” pic was based on whenever we would actually play monopoly/Bankroll on Plato, and whenever we did Cheebs would never join us or never even asked to join. Again, Cheebs never even tried to join and never told us that she wanted to be included, how were we supposed to know if she never brought it up?

The most recent “vent” art: Recently, at the time of writing this, Cheebs has posted this piece to her art blog.

Yeah this is obviously based on me (and presumably Mick), not only do the accusations match up but the puppet master character has strong similarities to my sona, Dappy.

It’s incredibly evident that she’s still set on shit talking and vagueing us, even over a year later.

Other issues:

While these aren’t completely related to the topic of Cheebs slandering my friends and I, there are other incidents that make me incredibly uncomfortable, especially as an Asian person.

Sometimes, how Cheebs talks about Asian things (especially Japanese stuff) comes off as rather fetishy and racially/culturally insensitive.

“Nothing like Spirited Away”

In this post, Cheebs talks about going to a Korean bathhouse for an early birthday gift. While there’s obviously nothing wrong with embracing other cultures, it is off putting to see her adding “Def nothing like Spirited Away though lmao” at the end.

And while yes, she’s most likely making a small joke about a movie she likes, it seems like she decided to make the comparison because “Japan and Korea are East Asian countries”. Which not only comes off as pretty racist, but feels even more gross considering Japan’s colonization of Korea and the atrocities that happened during that time.

“Hikikomori”

Well this feels gross. Basically Cheebs is calling herself a “hikikomori”, which is a phenomenon in Japan where people become shut in from society. They don’t go outside, not to go to work, to school, or anything else. It is a serious form of severe social withdrawal that devastates the lives of many.

Which is why it feels gross that Cheebs is deciding to use the word as a “cute” synonym for being an introvert. Cheebs is definitely not a hikikomori, she goes to work, attends college, goes to cons, goes to meetups, still as irl relationships, etc. And while yes, she is introverted and shy, that alone does not make someone a hikikomori, and it feels more like she’s using the term as a “kawaii” alternative to introvert.

Conclusion:

Please don’t attack Cheebs or anyone else in this situation, all I want is for my name to be cleared and for this situation to end. I’m tired of constantly having to look over my shoulder, I’m tired of being lied about behind my back, I just want her to be held accountable and for her to stop lying about me. If any of you guys have other questions or need further context for some of these I will respond to your questions, but this is all that came to mind in regards of this situation. 

Again, please don’t attack Cheebs, her friends, or anyone else in this situation. We just want this to stop and for her to stop lying about us.

[bullflight]

((I’ve been quiet...))

((There really is no one singular reason I ended up making this sort of ‘update’ post. I know I’ve been really inactive here and elsewhere. I’m mostly to blame for it, my in real life troubles only now, after nearly eight months, finally looking to be easing up.

But here’s the thing: for the most part, my social network here on tumblr has completely rotted away. I’ve been with Bull for 7 years. A lot of the people I’ve befriended, roleplayed with, and even had relationships with... a lot of those people are gone. Some have left Homestuck behind, on neutral and negative terms. Others have stopped roleplay as a hobby. I’ve had a small handful of falling-outs. Hell, I’ve been blatantly ghosted by people I had sincere feelings and connections with.

I get it. Life happens. It hurts like a motherfucker, but it happens. I wouldn’t be here 7 years later with a smut-centric literary exploration of transhumanism and self-worth in the face of trauma and mental illness. [That makes Bull and what I write sound so much cooler and more legit than it is. Sue me.]

But I keep coming back. This is the place I found my real life BF. This is the place I actually began promoting myself as a writer, an artist, and networking with people. I, despite all the setbacks with his timeline and with roleplay partners, and with my life happening outside of here, I like Bull. He means a hell of a lot to me. I have a few planned projects for outside of the roleplay, homestuck universe with him for the future. 

That hasn’t made tumblr and existing here any easier. 

People I liked and admired change, negatively, and reveal themselves to be awful people. This happens a lot more often than you’d think. Drama exists on a cycle, once every few months or years cropping up and culling a sizable portions of present muns and muses. The homestuck fandom, hell the actual content for that matter, are going through a, decidedly twitter-based, reckoning. And you know what else?

People talk shit. People always have. There’s a fair few number of muns and muses who refuse to engage with Bull or me, ic or ooc on any level because of shit that happened six to seven years ago. I had multiple other muns, underage and aware I don’t engage with underage folk, lie to me and solicit me and Bull for nsfw content, in rp and to a certain extent in out of character discussions. I have had most of those people come forward after the fact, apologize, and we both proceed to move on. I started in this fandom and in this scene when I was 19/20. I get it. Shit happens. 

I use Bull to explore a variety of topics. I used to use Bull, and to a certain extent still do, to hone my skills in writing erotica. I’m sure there’s people who associate with me now who don’t know that I’ve been a professional author [and bad as fuck about progressing with it] for several years now. This hobby? Roleplay? It’s both an escape and a method of developing my skills.

And I’ve had multiple people lie to me, engage in darker themes, in erotic content, in discussions about the troublesome and problematic content in the canon proper, and then turn around and call me out, whisper amongst their circles behind my back, and have permanently color a sizable portion of this community’s opinion of me. 

Recently? Besides being ghosted left and right? I’ve been kicked out of friends’ servers because there were people there who were ‘uncomfortable’ with me and with Bull because of shit that happened more than half a decade ago and they’re too chickenshit to talk to me in person about it. There’s people who go around and discuss roleplay, ongoing and not yet resolved, that I do in private with them and it invariably goes around that I and my muse are horrendous awful people and I need to be shunned. 

I’m not here much anymore.

The fact of the matter is that this is not a ‘tumblr’ or a ‘roleplay community’ problem. This is a social media problem. Twitter for homestuck? An absolute dumpster fire. I’m there. I see it. It’s not too different from the shit I saw here in 2013 and 2014. 

There’s people who come into communities, plant a flag, and then burn and pillage the land before making a big show of leaving to go do it elsewhere. There are muns and muses who were driven into toxic corners by other people in this community and had nowhere left to go creatively. There are people, like myself, who lose chances at engaging in a hobby because of little whisperings behind the scenes. 

I’ve lost a lot of people close to my heart. I’ve lost a lot of people I considered good friends. I know that I am not blameless in all of those situations. I am a different person online than I am in real life, someone who is openly affectionate, sexual and flirtatious as a means of connecting with people, and someone who catches and keeps feelings too damned easy for my own good. I know I’ve had times, even if I am only aware of it in hindsight, wherein I crossed someone’s boundaries. But I apologize. I try to do better. I have good days and bad days and weeks where I go back to bad habits and bad mindsets, but I’m not an outwardly malicious or aggressive person.

And yet... within the confines of this roleplay community, this fandom, and social media in general...

You find out real quick if you’re not churning out content, whether it be art or writing or roleplay or cute selfies or callouts or engagement in performative drama... if you’re not making things for people to consume, they’re going to find you boring. They’re going to lose interest. You’re going to go from someone overwhelmed with DMs and Skype and Discord messages on a daily basis cause you were ‘popular’ to someone who cant even maintain a friendship with someone you admire and adore because they have people talking shit in their ears when you’re not around. 

I’m genuinely sorry to anyone and everyone who’s ever been at the receiving end of anything from my erratic, anxious, and depressed behavior. Every day I’m actively trying to be better about containing that shit and not letting it pilot my life and my relationships.

There’s no means to make people, roleplay partners and art friends and accounts you talked to a handful of times through fanmail [god I am dating myself now] to just reappear out of the ether. Sometimes people vanish. Sometimes people go away and you’ll never hear from them again. I get it. I’ve been on the internet since 2002. Before social media that was just a reality. I know it is. But I have tried, nonetheless, to keep in touch, to keep a foothold in this community, to be active, to be engaging, to be... something.

Yet, regardless of trying, eventually you start feeling like something went sour when two dozen people ghost you over the course of a year. When people with no relation to each other left and right just go ‘poof’ and stop replying, stop updating, stop existing. And you feel displaced. They’ve moved on to other things. You feel like you’re boring. Like you’re a one trick pony. That the craze for Daft Punk ended years ago and your gay robo-fuck isnt en vogue anymore and no one wants you around. And no matter how much Bull means to me, no matter how much I put into him, there is inevitably going to be drama, there is going to be people trying to push me and him out.

And for all purposes? It looks like they’ll get what they want eventually.

I exist on discord. 

Pretty much that’s it. 

I’m still working on commissions I’ve owed for an embarrassingly long time. I’ll start posting art again some day. And maybe I’ll be better about keeping in touch. Maybe not. Sometimes you just need to accept defeat. 

I’ll be around.))