#I appreciate tf out of you and will not take your love & support for granted

[retro-rezz-the-est]

2022 can suck toes for all i care, this year was garbage.

happy new year to everyone else, and here's to hoping that 2023 brings better things for me and for you all than 2022 did.

[genshin-obsessed]

[moth]

happy birthday pocket!

i had no energy to make this a genuine fluff drabble it's 12:30 am here

----

Groaning, Diluc runs his hands up his face. Tf was he gonna do on your darned bday when his freaking schedule is full of ABYSS ABYSS ABYSS ABYSS ABYSS MUAHAHAHAHA

He mumbles something about perhaps gathering a small bouquet of small lamp grass before discarding the idea, thinking that it wouldn't be enough to resemble all the love and adoration he had for you. He unties his hair, letting the crimson locks rest against his back as he picks up the quill once again, writing away. 'Perhaps a letter will work for now. After I return from my duties, all my time will go to them for sure.' Smiling, he begins to pour his heart into each words written down on the parched paper.

----

Flopping down on your couch, you flip through a magazine of advertisements. Man, you were hungry. And what's better than grabbing some leftovers from what Diluc had cooked for you two the other day? You smile at the thought of the sight of your husband in the kitchen with an apron on, hair tied into a high ponytail as he works his magic. Gaze shifting to the ring on your finger, your eyes soften at the ruby gem, reminding you of his beautiful crimson eyes.

----

He quickly slips the letter into your mailbox, yes the two of you do not live together(yet), rushing off elsewhere. Probably outside of Mondtsadt's walls to make some abyss mages perish. He first starts with Brightcrown Canyon, moving from area to area- Man, this guy is traveling all across Mondstadt, excluding Dragonspine, with the image of your smile on his mind at all times. I mean, what can I say? He's obsessed with you. If you got injured? In the blink of an eye he'll be hurling a freaking phoenix at what, or who hurt you. If someone insulted you? "Sorry, did you say something to my lovely wedded partner here?" he questions, ticked off with a very concerning smile on his face. He wraps an arm around your shoulder, opening his eyes which send a chill down the insulter's spine. "That's right. We're married, got a problem? Call them a hilichurl on drugs, they're my hilichurl on drugs. A random, dumb idiot? My random dumb idiot. Back. Off."

----

Shuffling over to the random fridge in the kitchen, you look around the kitchen before giggling and taking out the leftovers from "Once Upon a Time in Mondtsadt", his specialty. You slip the plate onto a rack, placing it on the stove, somehow warming up the meal.

----

Diluc jabs the hilt of his claymore into an abyss mage, twirling his weapon around and stabbing the monster right in the face. He opens the map, noticing that he's already in the second to last area. A new motivation! A small hum of satisfaction is heard before he proceeds to massacre the popularity of abyss mages in Mond.

----

You slip the plate of warmed-up "Once Upon a Time in Mondstadt" onto the counter, hopping onto a high stool and rubbing your hands together excitedly. Grinning, you cut off a piece of the steak and let it enter your mouth, the texture and flavor instantly making you float up to heaven.

----

It's.. Raining... Diluc is soaked. Soaked.

----

Setting down the fork and knife, you get off the stool and walk towards the front door. 'Perhaps mail has arrived already..' Opening the door, you check the mailbox and are met with a nice looking envelope. It's a pastel scarlet-ish color, with a white lacey pattern along the edges. Slowly scooching back inside, you close the door and open the envelope, unfolding the letter.

Dear (Y/N),

Happy birthday, dearest. I would've had something planned for today, but unfortunately the abyss has eaten up my schedule once more. But if the sun hasn't sunk when I get back, would you like to spent some quality time together? Perhaps we could eat out at Sara's, or go sight seeing. Perhaps the sun going down would be nice, stargazing sounds fun. Many ideas have circulated around my head while I was writing this, however do be prepared to accept a bouquet.

'Oh honey I'll make sure to have the bouquet somewhere on display in my house, fosho.'

You mean a lot to me, and since Father's passing, you've been here for me at all times. When we were younger, when Kaeya was taken under Crepus' wing, when all three of us had those good times.. Ah, it's always nice to recall the kind moments we shared.

You stifle a laugh, remembering how Kaeya had accidentally frozen Diluc- But then the ice slowly started melting with an angered Diluc underneath.

My entire heart is dedicated to you. If you have a wish that I can grant within my power, please ask for such. Even if it counts as spoiling you rotten, I'll love you no matter what. You've made my life so much easier, and whenever you can you also help me out with the abyss. Not that I'm fully supporting such, since you're putting your life into danger which is what I do not want.

'And you are too, fighting the abyss as well,' you chuckle. 'My love, please take a break for once.'

Now I must end this short, due to me being behind schedule already. I need to set out ASAP. See you soon, I love you.

-Love,

Diluc.

Your heart flutters at the last three words, oh how it always does so. But your cheeks can't help but blush at the words written down.

----

Trudging up your doorstep, Diluc knocks on the door. The sun.. had already fallen. You open the door by a crack, peeking through and immediately swinging it open at the familiar redhead. Wrapping your arms around him, you sigh contently and rest your head on his chest. "I missed you..," he mumbles, pressing a light kiss to the top of your head. "Why don't we head inside? Ah, before that.." The darknight hero takes out a bouquet, as promised in the letter, the flowers glowing a wonderful blue. Small lamp grass. So, he went with his original plan. Lovely. He hands it to you, patting your head before making his way inside.

--END

carp i am so tired it's now 1 am

well uh

gn pocket hope you enjoyed this <3 <3 <3

Hello Pocket! I'm here to wish you a quick Happy Birthday!!

[Cicada]

You've become a year older! How sad.. But nonetheless, congratulations on making it this far! Both me and Moth are very proud of you, even if you're technically the bigger one here, and we're always encouraging you!

Thank you for being a wonderful writer, and person in general.

-Cicada.

It’s official :’) I am Diluc’s hilichurl on drugs

On a more serious note, thank you so much Moth!! You didn’t have to do this, but you did and it makes me very happy! I really appreciate it💖💖 this was definitely my bedtime story lol even though I have I think one more! This was adorable, I got to be married to Diluc- UGH IT MADE ME SO HAPPY!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Just the thought of this made me tear up😭😭 you’re awesome, thank you my friend!

And Cicada, yes I know I’m getting older 😔 I’ll be ancient soon enough- but thank you. To you both! Your words mean a lot to me too💖💖💖

I hope you both have a wonderful day/night💖

[tiredgaycrisis]

**essay incoming**

Okai so I really realised that I am in just way to deep for Na, I love him so much more than I should. In all honesty, I was excited for the show mainly because of the cast and because Khaotung, Toptap, Mike, Neo, Ciize and Podd are all so amazing. But tbh I’m not sure if I would have kept watching it (or at least have looked forward to it so much every week) if it weren’t for Na’s character.

Honestly, I could go on about him for hours but I shall try not to. I think the reason I’m so in love with his character is because he reminds me so much of myself. He’s always so genuine and caring, with his love and his generosity and his bubbly, friendly persona, you can tell that he honestly does care deeply about the people he loves and even those he doesn’t even know. 

Na has never been taken fully seriously and is taken for granted by the others on occasion, as we learned this episode after he finally got Ton to realise the feelings for Chon he’d been burying because of ✨internalised homophobia✨ and he ends up sitting alone on the beach. Ai, Ni and Miriam acknowledge they never really considered Na’s emotions when they were planning to get Ton and Chon together and enlisted his help, they got too caught up in their plan that they almost forgot that Na’s feelings for Chon were very real and there was a 99% chance that he was going to end up disappointed and heartbroken because he would lose the possibility of Chon liking him back for real. Despite this, Na knew what he was setting himself up for and happily went along with the plan anyway. (I will point out here too that the other three cheer him up about this and end up having that cute little found family moment, which is amazing because it shows the development of proper friendship between the four of them)

And the reason he went along with this even though it meant losing any chance of Chon feelings for him in the end? Because the thing that mattered most to him was Chon’s happiness. Look, when he said that last night when I watched the first part premiere without subs I burst into tears. Because that’s just who he is, he’s so thoughtful and caring and when he loves he does it wholeheartedly and fully. The way Na said that too strangely reminded me of Frozen (yes as in the Disney film, I know) because in that there was a scene in which Olaf says, “true love is putting other’s needs before your own”, as well as that Nicolas Sparks quote that says, “true love means that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.” Na truly did love Chon and was willing to do anything to make sure he was happy, even if Chon’s happiness wasn’t with him.

This is evident again thoughout the series, whenever Na would make some comment or remark about Ton (notably that time Ton beat Neung’s ass and Pang was like, “omg so romantic and cool” and Na was all like, “tf you on about, that isn’t romantic that is straight up rude”) as well as this episode when he and Ton have a conversation and clear some things up. Na straight up tells Ton (his senior, btw who he barely knows and who he should therefore show proper respect for) that he better look after Chon properly and treat him right and love him like he deserves or he’ll take him off him himself. He doesn’t just care about his own feelings and love, but about making sure Chon is safe and happy and loved and (while he may not understand why) he does understand that the person who makes Chon happy is Ton, and Na is willing to accept that because it’s what Chon wants.

Aside from his dedication to and love for Chon, we’re shown that this isn’t just a show Na puts on in an attempt to win him over, his kindness and caring really is a part of his character, the most obvious example of this being in episode 7 when he offers his food and ice-cream to the kid and his mother out in the sun outside the restaurant. He did not do that to make himself look good in front of Chon, he did that because he saw people who would benefit from his help and his money and unselfishly took it upon himself to help a poor mother out and make a child’s day just a little bit better. He ends up saying to Chon afterwards, “to be kind to the needy is something the rich should do” (when I say eat the rich I mean every rich person except this angel)

The sad thing is (as happens a lot with characters born into money) Na’s learned that to others, his money is his most valuable asset. In the scene after the one when he buys the food for kid and mum, Chon makes a comment about how Na constantly shows off his money and brags about it and how it was kind of annoying and why no one wanted to be friends with him. This surprises Na a bit and he says that people always seem to like seeing how rich he is and all of his luxurious hotels and meals and whatever and how he always gets thousands of likes when he posts those things, however when he posts stuff promoting donating to charity or helping children in need (things that actually matter to him, unlike the money) he gets not even a hundred likes. This is why he doesn’t seem to have a problem throwing his money around in front of others- because in his experience, that’s the only way he can get people to like him and gain friendship (one of the things he wants most in the world) and he doesn’t know any better. But yea Na deserves all the love and the friendship and the happiness in the world, which is why I’m really glad he’s a part of this amazing, supportive found family, and istg if he doesn’t get a happy ending and properly appreciated by the rest of the cast I will throw hands (just like I did in my mind when Ton had the audacity to punch in the face this ep, I was fuming and had to just take a minute to calm myself before I kept watching)

So yea, that was my essay about why I love Na and why I would get him the world if he asked for it and why everyone just needs to take a second to appreciate how awesome he is.

Also can I just mention the fingerguns??? The most sweet and wholesome thing, I always end up fingergunning back at him, anyways Na bestest boy, I would die for him.

Also also he is canonically pansexual!!! I mean of course he is, I expected nothing else.

[stlplaybox]

2020 Musings

2020 was quite the year and I wasn't going to do one of these but alas, a morning later and some lovely convos and look backs, I figured I'd try and do a quick one at the least. Firstly, thank you to everyone who's supported me on Instagram or Twitter. We almost hit 500K likes and that's mindblowing. I appreciate everyone that's reached out to me and thanked me for my stuff. Some of the loveliest moments this year were people who contacted me who told me how my content was something that brought them joy amidst everything going on. More than the content creation process, i think the most satisfying part is when people tell me how my work has touched their lives. 

I'm also deeply indebted to some friends in this wonderful community who have supported and encouraged me throughout 2020. You may have noticed some skill improvements in 2020 and a lot of that is due to the great supportive community we have here. It's a wonderful community that fosters creativity and I know one of the things I love in my routine is scrolling through my feed to see what everyone's cooked up. A personal milestone for me this year was also I took my all time record number of photos in 2020. I cleared 7,000 photos and that's no mean feat! As most of you know, I take mainly outdoor toy photos so when we had our hard lockdown for 3 months, I didn't think this was going to be a big year. But to end the year with over 7,000 photos is mindboggling! On the health/cancer front, things were generally better and I’m strongest I've been in two years. Things aren’t the same as before but still given the alternative outcome, I’m happy and just have to learn to accept my body’s not going to be the same as before. As a TF and toy collector, I also felt this was an amazing year. The mainline toys (Earthrise and Studio Series) haven't been this good in years and I'm really happy for all the G1 collectors now who have a nice alternative to the masterpiece line at a fraction of the increasingly exorbitant cost. The third party scene saw some phenenomal releases like Civil War General Grant and Generation Toys Red Bull. We even got a repaint of GCreation Prowl into Smokescreen (Gimme Blueeyyy!). The legends size class saw all sort of great releases from Iron Factory, NewAge and Magic Square. And the non-transforming offerings were phenomenal across 3A and Flame Toys. And my boy Cliffjumper got some cracking releases too! With these sort of releases, it was easy in hindsight to see how I could take so many photos in 2020! You probably also saw more non-TF toy photography from me too and a lot of that was a combination of the wonderful toy photography community on Instagram and me consuming a lot more TV due to the pandemic. Comics were a long love that continued when I gave up TFs as a kid and carried on until I started collecting TFs again. So snapping Marvel Legends and Mezco figures were a delight! But I also discovered Star Wars through Clone Wars and Rebels, the first part of that franchise I ever really cared about! And that's resulted in SWs toys so expect more pictures in the new year!

But it's not just about new toys. Like last year, I also revisited some old toys and gave them long overdue love.  Be it Generation Toys Jet Bomber Megatron, RiD Quillfire, Botcon Optimus Primal or Star Wars TFs. I'm glad many of you enjoyed them as much as I did! I've included in this post my top personal photos of the year. I'm also happy with my top nine as ultimately chosen by you guys as it reflects my page's preferences for neo-G1 toys but the more personal choices reflect some that I remember igniting a certain emotion in me and the memory of place and time those photos spark in me is strong. I’ll also shortly post a video of some of my favourite toy photos for 2020. Keep an eye out for it! Lastly, thank you again to everyone for your support and/or your great content. I'm grateful for this creative part of the collecting community and I'll continue trying to contribute to it and bring that warm fuzzy feeling that you all give me! Thanks for 2020, all the best to everyone in 2021!

[sweetwatersound-blog1]

Riverdale S2E7 Review

So sorry this is late. And for the length. And for the way I flip out near the end.

CHAPTER TWENTY: TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE

 Well, well. Look who’s trying something new. Riverdale experimented with tone and style in the seventh episode of this season. As a storyteller in my own right, I appreciate the effort for variety. Of course, there were things about it that worked for me and things that didn’t, but let’s get to that in a minute.

What exactly were we all watching Wednesday night? A young adult anthology penned by Stephen King? Or was the dark, tingling quality in the show’s atmosphere a byproduct of fanfiction fumed with Queen hits?

Huh, you say? Let’s break down that observation, in order.

 Bert and Ernie Archie and Jughead

Lawyers in general earn a mixed reputation for their practice. I grew up hearing of comparisons to sharks and parasites. But Penny Peabody has carved herself a special box of awfulness here. After all, every snake is a serpent but not all of Riverdale’s Serpents are snakes.

After Riverdale received a message from the Black Hood (his basic blah, “sin and die” stuff) the whole town reacts by…ahem, business as usual?

Betty, evidently distressed by her failure to keep Jughead’s drug-dealing English teacher alive, spent the night in her boyfriend’s arms. He did his best to console, and I could have gone for more than that, but then his phone sang the song of eternal damnation, and he had to run off to appease the Snakecharmer.

Penny, using Jughead’s concern for his father’s welfare in prison to her advantage, promised she can get FP out if Jughead did one little job for her.

Which led to him making a midnight drug run, with Archie as his co-pilot, his conscience torn between his determination to support Jughead and his passive desire to stop him.

Overall, the night was full-moon freak worthy. Jughead and Archie met a man on the road whose interest in the Black Hood suggests that the masked killer has been sending fan mail in the wrong direction. The boys also randomly encountered a set of deer, one bloody and the other bloody-dead. Poor Jug had so many jumpscares, I was surprised that it didn’t end with Archie checking him into a mental health clinic.

But they were in a hurry, after all, and like the song Headlong says

It ain’t no time to figure wrong from right, cause reason’s out the window, better hold on tight – you’re rushin’

  Josie

 Oh, good, a character who deserves more attention has finally got some! I always loved Josie’s friendship with Cheryl before, and now there are layers to go with that slice of cake. Granted, when you go a’ explorin’ the foundations of friendship, you might not always like what turns up from the dirt. But even if I don’t have quite the same love for Josie/Cheryl anymore, I am definitely more intrigued by them.

So, this is the (long overdue) spotlight on Josie McCoy. Pussycat by day, the next Whitney Houston by night. Might I add Ashleigh Murray’s pipes are fabulous, and I could fall asleep listening to Josie play the piano. No one knew she was composing alone except for her bff Cheryl, who is paying for studio time. Because the beginning of their story intersects with Jughead and Archie’s, we get the pleasure of hearing Cheryl snap at them as “Bert and Ernie” TWICE while chatting with Josie. Then Josie opened her locker to find a stuffed animal with a stalker-note attached. She rolled her eyes and tossed it, assuming it was from a secret admirer. Because it wasn’t like there was a Ra’s al Ghul wannabe ready to waste a town that day. At least Cheryl was wary, but her devotion to Josie seemed more intense here than it had been in previous episodes.

Then Josie encountered Chuck Clayton. Instead of skirt-chasing for the sake of humiliating his dates, Chuck goes to church. Chuck takes art classes. Chuck is ready to start going by Charles now.

There was in fact something softer about him in this episode, enough to leave both me and Josie hoping he’d changed. That dance between them at the diner was so cute.

But whether this was a one-shot tale or a to-be-continued setup, we’ll have to wait and see. Because while Josie did have a stalker in this episode, it wasn’t the Black Hood. It wasn’t Chuck.

Cheryl, you break my heart.

In honor of Josie’s rollercoaster of a trip, I give you The Invisible Man.

 When you hear a sound that you just can’t place, feel somethin’ move that you just can’t trace, when something sits on the end of your bed. Don’t turn around when you hear me tread/

I’m your meanest thought, I’m your darkest fear

But I’ll never get caught, you can’t shake me, shake me dear

 Veronica & Betty

 The last story goes back to what Betty did after saying goodbye to Jughead. While talking to him about the teacher murdered in Sheriff Keller’s station, a lightbulb sparked in her brain – who could find it easier to get into the cell than Keller himself? Not one of her better ideas, I feel, but she ran ahead with it. She told Veronica, who insisted the Sheriff was just exhibiting the signs of practicing infidelity. Still, the girls agreed for Kevin’s sake they would have to be careful. While Betty worked her Veronica Mars magic at the department, Veronica invited herself to a sleepover at Kevin’s house. Being the warm treasured heart he is, he taught her how to dominate his favorite fantasy board game. Taking a break, Veronica took a call from Betty. (virtually the only time I’ve ever been truly disappointed in my girl – more on that later.)

Betty learned from V that a bunch of doors were locked at the Keller house. She bobby-pinned them open until she found Sheriff Keller’s evidence office. Crime scene pictures here, letters from the Black Hood there. Betty was just picking up the black mask that Keller had confiscated from Archie earlier this season, when the Sheriff showed up.

However, when the scene bounced to Betty and her father sitting, facing Keller, he wasn’t enraged. He seemed quite understanding of her suspicions, and downright sad she had them. He promised her he wouldn’t tell Kevin, because she and his son were so important to one another, and knowledge of this incident would break his heart.

But for relentless Betty, it wasn’t over. She wanted to know where Keller was sneaking off to at night. Tailing him alongside a reluctant Veronica led them to a motel. Keller knocked on one of the doors, and out stepped Mayor McCoy – Josie’s mom – into his arms.

The girls swore a pact they’d never reveal the truth to Kevin. I felt like they also should have promised each other to never investigate with Veronica’s Cheat-Buster’s intuition. This was one secret that would have been better left uncovered.

 Because Kevin remarked upon “the pressure” his dad was facing so much, here’s Under Pressure.

Pressure pushing down on you, no man ask for

Under pressure that burns a building down

Splits a family in two

Puts people on the streets

  Odds and Ends

 These are a few of my other Darkside observations, pros and cons:

We had a break from Toni. Yes I know some still like her, and yes I know she’s not a bug mucking up Bughead’s windshield. For the record, though? I wanted to like Toni Topaz. Really. I was so hoping she’d be the Toni from my South Side Story fic. That Toni took a stand, had integrity, and had a kind-of-crush on Betty. She was interesting, and I was hoping Vanessa Morgan’s version would at least have some interesting lines. Sadly, something fell flat for me along the way, and with this absence I hope the writers have thought of a new way to make her more appealing as a person.

 Bert and Ernie. BERT AND ERNIE. Though I see Jughead as more the cynical-ish Bert, and Archie is more the rubber ducky type methinks. Still, never getting old.

 But unfortunately, I have some nitpicks now.

 Archie owes Jughead? You know, I’m not entirely certain Jughead would have won that race with the Ghoulies. And if it had been a clear loss...Jughead clearly needs glasses if he’s that shortsighted. Archie bailed him out of a high-risk situation. If it had been me in that fix I daresay I would be treating Archie Andrews to burgers and milkshakes for a month.

Even worse friends are the Pussycats. Setup or no, I just wanted someone to point out to High and Mighty Valerie that cutting Josie out for working on songs by herself when just a few months ago she was crushed for writing songs with Archie seems either very petty (if revenge) or hypocritical.

I hate to bring up hypocrisy now, but let’s examine Betty’s actions when her boyfriend’s father was under suspicion for murder. She. Would. Not. Have. It. Everyone, from Archie and Veronica to her own damn mother wanted her to look a bit more closely beyond Jughead’s words that FP was innocent.

Cut to today, when she doggedly pursued the father of one of her closest friends, and someone she’s been quite frankly more familiar with over the years than FP Jones, for his potential ability to walk into a jail cell and shoot someone. And for Veronica to remind Betty that investigating Kevin’s dad would hurt their friend, only for Betty to keep gunning for him like the Kellers meant so little to her.

*I’d like to think I know what this is about. Betty has been traumatized by the Black Hood. She’s so freaked Dark Betty has had to come out of the woodwork. Dark Betty is colder, a bit more obsessive than the Girl Next Door version. She’s probably determined not to rest until the culprit can’t hurt her or her friends anymore.

I see this possibility. Of course, I could be dead wrong.

 But now that I’ve mentioned the Black Hood, I’m going to say what I should have said the last time:

Where tf is the FBI?

I mean, there’s a psychopath in a mask that has declared war on an entire town. When he starts sending encrypted messages vowing to erase all sin from Riverdale, Jesus sorry but that’s when you send in the Feds.

 Riverdale has forty-eight hours to stop sinning or he’ll kill again. Doesn’t anyone take this threat seriously?

Obviously not, including the very people he’s threatening. WTF kind of a test is that anyways? A town without sin, wow, really? He might as well come for all of us.

  With this theme song:  Innuendo

 show yourself, destroy our fears – release your masks

[lady-thor-foster]

Oh Captain!// Steve Rogers x Reader (P2)

Pairing: Steve Rogers x POC Reader Word Count: 2k+ Warning: Language, fluff, smut, unprotected sex (WRAP YOUR WANG BEFORE YOU BANG), slight dry humping, bit of dirty talk, a little Sub!Steve…if you squint and cock your head at a 45 degree angle. Summary: Steve bares all, in more ways than one. How is anyone supposed to resist this god-forsakenly beautiful man? You don’t; you give into temptation and enjoy the ride. Sometimes Steve’s smart mouth gets him into trouble. Bonus: Bruce is so cute when he’s embarrassed.

A/N: I’m still getting the hang of this smut thing so pls bear with me. Idk why tf I’m so damn shy about writing it when I’m sinful as hell irl.  Also bless you @emilyevanston for reminding me that Steve is so much more than just Captain America. Sorry this took so long, hopefully the fic makes up for the long ass wait! Feedback is absolutely appreciated.

Previously on Oh Captain!

“I have a small confession to make,” Steve murmured against your neck. You were still straddling his lap and nibbling his ear. He was finding it increasingly harder to focus with you grinding into his crotch. You’re going to be the death of me, he thought. The temptation to just throw you on the bed and have his way with you was becoming nearly impossible to resist.

Despite the heated tension in the training room, the mood had softened when you finally made it to Steve’s room. You were surprised to find that you really liked soft and tender Steve. His gentle fingers tracing slow patterns into your skin sent shivers up your spine. His warm lips pressing generous kisses to yours were a slow burn in your veins. There was something so soothing about the steady beat of his heart against yours.

“What’s that?” Your warm breath blew into his ear while you rocked your hips again. Steve swore. You giggled.

“Language, Captain!” you chastised. He groaned and gripped your hips to still them. Confused, you pulled away to look at him. God, he thought, you look so cute with your head cocked like that.

“I—just Steve, please. I’m just Steve here, right now, with you. Just Steve.”  He searched your face for some kind of rejection. He just wanted to be a man for you; the man underneath the mask.

The vulnerability on Steve’s face made you realise that this, whatever was happening between you and Steve, was more than just a one-time hook up. All those months of pent up frustration were just symptoms for an underlying cause. He had fallen for you. He was letting you in; you were getting to meet the man beneath the serum.

You nodded, “Okay…Steve,” you agreed. His answering smile took your breath away.

He was elated. He’d been hiding his feelings for so long; hearing you say you wanted more than just one night with the Captain made his heart soar. Steve never knew something as simple as his own name could sound so beautiful; he craved to hear what it sounded like when you were writhing underneath him.

He kissed you, hard. That slow burning fire in your veins erupted. You matched his passion ounce for ounce and buried your fingers in his short blonde hair. The sharp pleasure of the tugs on his scalp made his body ache with need. Moaning into your mouth, his grip on your hips tightened. You’d wear those finger shaped bruises with blatant pride. His cock pulsated against your throbbing cunt and you gasped, breaking the kiss. Steve grinned wickedly at your sensitivity.

“You like that, pretty girl? You like feeling what you do to me?” The timbre in his voice sent your blood pumping. Who knew Steve Rogers was a talker in bed? He rolled his hips into you, determined to hear you moan again.

“Oh—fuck! Yeah, Stevie!” you whined in approval. He growled in response.

Those sinful lips moved down your neck, leaving heated kisses in their wake. You’d never been too interested in foreplay, but Steven Grant Rogers was singlehandedly changing your mind. He grinded his erection against your sensitive core and it was driving you absolutely insane. Who knew that dry humping could be this fun? His massive hands were surprisingly gentle as they inched under your shirt, etching mindless patterns into your russet brown skin; he was barely touching you and you were a panting mess, writhing in his lap. The teasing had become unbearable; you pushed him away.

“You are wearing far too many clothes,” you stated. That smirk you’d come to adore never left his lips.

“What are you go—,” Steve didn’t have the chance to finish his question before you literally ripped his shirt from his chest. The shock on his face made you giggle bashfully.

“Oops?”

There was no chance to react when Steve lunged and crushed your lips to his. Suddenly, the manic lust from the gym was reignited. He kissed you breathless; it was his turn to rip your clothes from your body. The sound of immodest grunts, needy moans and ripping fabric echoed though the room. His overheated fingertips teasing your soaked cunt in reckless abandon would have absolutely been enough to make you climax right there.  Unfortunately for you, Steve had other ideas. One massive hand secured your body against his; he stood and walked the two of you towards the nearby wall. The cold metal against your bare back made you inhale sharply; Steve made quick work of removing his pants and stepping out of them. A quick glance down rewarded you with one of the most gorgeous cocks you’d ever had the pleasure of seeing. Damn; length and girth. He had it all.

Steve would have given up everything without hesitation to keep that deliciously devious grin on your face. Here you were, finally naked in all your glory and he didn’t have any idea how much longer he could hold back. You wrapped your muscular legs around his waist, pressing his now naked erection against your eager cunt. He could feel your arousal running from your aching cunt down his balls. He swore again.

“You kiss your girlfriend with that mouth?” you chastised him.

“God, I hope so.” You pulled him in for a frantic kiss; it was tongues, teeth and no restraint. Gone was the shy man who professed his feelings just moments before.

Steve was drunk off your kisses. If kissing you felt this good, he was almost afraid to know how good the rest of you felt. Almost. The sensation of his thickness shamelessly grinding against you set your body alight with desire. Enough was enough, you both needed more.

“Steve…holy shit…just fuck me!” you moaned. How could he resist such a needy command? You were so thoroughly aroused that your cunt offered no resistance to his sudden intrusion. Fuck. He stretched you in all the right ways; no one else could ever compare to this ecstasy. You hadn’t even orgasmed yet and you were already addicted to his cock. Biting your bottom lip, you fought to keep yourself quiet. Steve’s watchful gaze didn’t miss a thing; he reached up to gently tug your lip from your teeth.

“I wanna hear you scream, darlin’,” he whispered. You briefly wondered if he was actually trying to kill you. Well, there are certainly worse ways to go.

Steve Rogers gave new meaning to the term ‘fucked thoroughly’. Long, deep and hard strokes guaranteed you wouldn’t be able to move tomorrow without remembering exactly what he’d done to you.  Every noise you made was a sonata to his ears. You were so responsive to his fingers, his lips, and his cock. He hissed, relishing the exquisite pain of your nails harshly raking down his arms, leaving angry welts in their place. You’d staked your claim. Using his shoulders and the wall for support, you met his hard rhythm, thrust for thrust. The sound of his grunts filled your ears, bringing you closer to the edge of blissful eruption.

“You feel so good wrapped around me like that, pretty girl. So good.” Meeting his intensely lustful gaze, you couldn’t respond with anything more than a high pitched whine. Steve made a mental note: dirty talk, a definite turn on.

“You like it when I talk dirty, don’t you doll?”

You closed your eyes in ecstasy, “Fucking shit, yes!

“You like hearing me tell you how good your pretty little cunt takes my cock?”

“Christ, Steve!”

“You gonna come for me, darlin? You gonna come on my cock like a good girl?” he asked. You snapped your eyes open in defiance. ‘Good girl’ my ass, you thought.

“Oh, I’m anything but a ‘good girl’, Rogers.”

Before he could digest your meaning, you used the momentum of his thrust to push against the wall and send you both tumbling to the floor. Surprise coloured his features as he drank in the sight of you straddling his waist. Fuck.

“Jesus, Y/N. You really going to be the death of me.”

“I’m just getting started.”

Interlocking your fingers with his, you pinned his hands above his head and rode him treacherously slow. Steve didn’t know what turned him on more: the fact that you were on top of him, riding him for all he was worth or that you’d successfully subdued him without any resistance.

You could tell by the way he gazed at you that Steve wasn’t sure what to make of this new development. You were so used to him being in charge all the time; it felt good to be the one with the power. From this angle, his cock reached even deeper and it was paradise. He moaned your name. It was the sweetest sound you’d ever heard. Bouncing faster onto him, you rode your way to a mind numbing orgasm.

“You love when I ride you like this, don’t you Stevie?” He looked away and bit his lip, unsure of how to respond. He’d never been in this position before; submission was a shiny toy he’d never thought he’d get to play with. Gripping his jaw fiercely in your hand, you forced him to meet your gaze.

“Answer me, Rogers,” you commanded.

“Fuck! Yes, I love it. I’m sorry, I love it!” He looked so good between your thighs; you could climax from the sight alone.

“Such a good boy for me, Stevie,” you praised. He whined in response. Your orgasm was fast approaching. Reaching up to tease your nipples, you bounced harder. Steve gripped your hips almost painfully to meet your rapid thrusts. You were a magnificent sight to behold.

“Shit! Y/N, I’m gonna—,” he warned.

“Cum for me, Stevie,” you told him.

He erupted inside of you. The feeling of his climax sent you hurtling into your own. Pleasure gripped you so ferociously you could hardly breathe. Steve’s vision danced with stars. Your walls clenched so tightly around his cock, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to dislodge himself. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to. Collapsing into his chest, you both fought to catch your breath and return to reality. Steve’s gentle fingers helped to soothe the aftershocks of your explosive orgasm. You both laid there in peaceful silence, neither eager to disconnect.

“Holy shit,” you finally whispered. His chest rumbled with a surprised chuckle.

“I’m not sure there are words in any language to describe how fantastic that was,” he whispered back.

A sharp knock at the door startled you both apart. Leaping to his feet, Steve quickly pulled on his previously discarded boxers and pants. It was at this point that you realised he’d completely shredded your clothes. Dammit, Rogers. Picking up your torn clothing, you gave him a pointed look. He grinned sheepishly at you; walking to his closet, he retrieved a long flannel shirt and handed it to you.   After making sure you were at least semi presentable, Steve opened the door. A very embarrassed Bruce Banner was waiting to greet him.

“Uh…Stark needs your help with something in the briefing room,” Banner said while refusing to meet his gaze. His efforts to avoid staring at a half-naked Captain America were seemingly in vain once his gaze accidently fell on you. He swore softly. Blushing, you endeavoured to smooth your hair in a futile attempt to look less ‘well-fucked’. Steve just shook his head and sighed in resignation.

“Could you tell Stark I’ll be there in 20?” he asked. Banner nodded his head once and walked way as quickly as he could. Chuckling softly, Steve closed the door.

“Well, I guess the cat’s out of the bag now,” you joked. He laughed louder this time.

Stepping over your collective mess, Steve pulled you in for a tender kiss. “I know we did this kind of backwards, but what do you say to dinner, doll?”

“Only if we get to have dessert afterwards,” you winked. His boisterous laughter echoed through the room.

“How could I say no to my best girl?”

End P2

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[ihatemyartsomuch]

16th February 2020

3:43am

I don’t know why, but I feel so alone.

I think it’s stemming from the fact that I know that moms days are numbered. Then everything changes - I’m literally gonna be alone. Orphaned. Truly & absolutely alone.

I can’t shake this anxious episode. I haven’t been able to the whole day. I know I’m a fucking mess - & I hate that I have to constantly hide it because I’m supposedly effecting everybody & the entire mood & situation through it’s existence & it’s expression. This war that I’ve waged against myself. My internal struggles. My oppression.

Nobody understands. How could they even understand? I’m failing to do so myself.

Behind all the fake smiles & laughter hides a scared little boy, searching for guidance & direction. Searching for something. Something of actual purpose. That’s all I’ve been yearning for.. I don’t think I understand what that is, & how it feels to be accepted & supported fully.. what it feels like to be genuinely mentored & cared for. Spilling from the void that dad left behind. A vacancy I’ve looked to fill countless times. & failed.

My whole life I’ve struggled with my identity. My beliefs. My personal growth. My place in this world, with who I think I am in conjunction with who I project & are actually destined to be - the balance between these conflicting forces. Loving & accepting myself for its entirety.

I can’t.

I become version after version of myself.

Each with their own set of faults & insecurities.

All of them forged from pain & suffering.

All of them spawned through self-hatred.

I damage myself constantly. Avoiding what I deeply know I need to feel because I’m afraid of confronting the reality of my fears. The reality of my future. The life that I’ve created - a terrible coping mechanism. A fucking crutch intended to hurt me as I try to walk.

A series of painful distractions.

Projections & reflections.

I’m so ashamed of myself. Sometimes I just wanna hide. Run as far away as I can - I don’t understand why people constantly feel the need to keep me around. I have nothing to offer, yet they all expect this specific energy & character & effort from me. The detached, surfaced presence of my being - a facade I can only maintain for so long..

“Why’re you so sad?”

“What’s wrong?”

I’ve never really been able to answer that. There are so many elements & circumstances in my life that are forcing me to feel this way. & it’s so strenuous. I’m genuinely struggling to keep afloat right now. Gasping for moments of clarity & peace. A sea of my of my own creation, designed solely for my self destruction.

I’ve never really been afraid to drown.

I’ve never really been afraid to die.

Cape Town.

Mom.

Girlfriend.

Future.

These decisions shouldn’t be this hard, yet I’ve been struggling to realise what it is that I truly need to do. I’m turning 23 & I still feel like a lost child with no hope of finding my direction - I’ve never really been able to secure something inside of myself that’s genuinely meaningful. I lack will & desire. Devoid of want & need.

Numb.

They repeatedly tell you that you’re gonna be acting selfishly if you kill yourself - think about how it’s gonna affect everyone around you. Think about how they would feel?

You have so much to live for.

- A series of automated responses generated from our brain for the average suicide case.

We’re designed to conveniently care - then automatically resume with our self-consumed life experiences after that period of relevance is slightly out of focus. People don’t actually care. & we’re all well aware of this - it’s the human condition. A behavioural trait more than an active decision. Out of sight, out of mind.

& the true nature of this world has me contemplating whether I should succumb to these meaningless pressures that have been passively handed down to me because of who I am. This fucking casted shadow that I’ve been existing in since I was born. Expectations that I have to meet for the sake of my family & the legacy my surname holds. I have big shoes to fill. & even bigger steps to take.

They call my dad a legend. An icon. A role model. A mentor. A professor. A soul that will sorely be missed by countless people. A hero.

, but he died slaving away for the idea of a chance of a better life for us - & I don’t blame him. He loved us. He tried to do what he thought was best for us as a family.

I can’t even remember his voice. Anything he’s ever said to me. Why tf can’t I remember? I don’t understand this mental block - & it has me thinking if I’m going to grow this disconnected to the idea & memories of my mom too. Blank spaces in my memory to replace the trauma’s emotional attachment & accessibility. Slowly becoming more & more out of focus. Until it’s passively unnoticed.

Oblivion.

I need space. Somewhere that I can ultimately clear my head. My mind’s clouded. My judgement & vision impaired because of my frantic thoughts & dissociative behaviour. & the fact that I’ve been existing inside this state of ignorant bliss - for so long, that I actually believed I could do this forever - has ultimately left me conflicted & confused. I’ve stagnated.

Time hasn’t been on my side - I don’t think it’s ever been. & now it’s the only thing I have left.

Why tf do I feel so angry @ myself?

Why tf have I not been able to bounce back & continue like everything’s normal.

Why tf do I feel so consumed?

- work today really sucked. I feel like they’re doing what Michelle said. Slowly fading me out. Gently pushing me to disappear. As if I don’t matter - as if I haven’t mattered all this time. Tangible.

I guess this is my balance. I’ve been on the other end of this spectrum for so long, it had to return to me, eventually.

Karma.

I’ve been using these girls. Unintentionally. I don’t know how to stop. The moment I feel some sort of security & comfort with one of them, it always ends up cycling through the same pattern. A predictable series of events.

They attach.

We try.

- I mimic all forms of basic human intimacy & emotion: simulated through narcissistic & sociopathic traits deep within my being. Lack of conscious control and awareness. Mindless. Empty. Meaningless.

I detach.

They hurt.

I project all of my insecure reflections so unstably, I don’t even consciously notice it anymore. Effortlessly acted upon without warning or reason - preluding detachment.

Unconsciously incompetent: blindly hurting everyone along the way to your own carefully orchestrated demise. Hurt people hurt people, right?

Maybe I’m just superficial. A narcissist. Incapable of actually being real or manifesting faucets that are. I’ve been fucking lying to myself. & everyone else. I don’t even have an outlet to express myself anymore. I’m struggling to accept this block.

Everything’s slowly being taken away from me.

& for the most part - I really deserve it.

I hate writing. I hate writing. I really hate writing. Solidifying the moment with articulative thought. Only for it to cease to have any relevance as the moments pass.

I never use to be like this.

I never use to hold such doubt & genuine loathing unto myself - I’m so insecure. & it shows.

Everyone sees.

Everyone knows - but they will never understand. & I wish they’d never understand.

We all speak out about how our situations affect us, and in your experience: you’re the centre of attention. The hero. The villain.

The victim.

Sometimes I wish I knew the answers. & the questions that I genuinely need to ask - instead of opening myself to every single person I meet only for them to exploit my weaknesses. Over & over & over again.

I still feel so young & naive.

I fucking miss my mom.

I fucking miss being able to confidently move through life. To have confidence in my thoughts. & words. & actions. & decisions.

I fucking miss being able to let go & be the rawest form of myself without feeling vulnerable & uncomfortably anxious. & how much I was able to embrace the essence of my character - someone I was so proud of & willing to be.

I fucking miss everything that I failed to appreciate in the moment - how much I’ve taken for granted. How much I didn’t know I had to lose.

I’m too weak to fix all the faults I’ve allowed myself to bare. All the silent suffering I’ve allowed myself to endure - just to blatantly lie to everyone & have them believe that I’m somewhat okay. Somewhat still there.

I’m not okay.

I’m far from okay.

I’m far from responsible.

I’m so far from being stable.

I’m so far from really being myself.

I’m so okay with ending it here.

Everybody doesn’t seem to agree.

Apparently I still have so many things to live for.. so much potential. So much promise.

I don’t feel as important as everyone makes me out to be. I’ve been existing for everybody else’s closure - for their sanity. For their own personal gain. Used. Used. Used. & I guess I’m okay with that.

Selfish.

Selfless.

I don’t know who I am anymore.