#I believe this is my very roundabout way of saying writers either have no respect or they're the voice of Gd

[the12thnightproject]

@echoes-in-the-forest asked

I hope I'm not too late in sending this letter to you both. But I have a problem and I desperately need your advice. There's this boorish man that keeps coming around my town. He makes me so mad and always calls me names, and no - they're not pet names either. I wish he would stay away, but I also can't stop thinking about him. Sometimes he does things that are a little cute and surprisingly nice? And deep down, I think he might actually be caring and considerate (although in a roundabout confusing way). I once saw him sampling different desserts in order to decide which one was the best to purchase for someone. Maybe his dad or older brother? And to top it off, I discovered that he's my bestie's bestie. So I don't think I'll really be able to get away from him, but I also don't know how to act around him either. What should I do? Hope all is well. It's been pretty stormy lately. Yours truly, Frustrated Female

Dear F.F.

Angel, I will have a talk with him.

[Lord Shingen, how do you know who to have a long talk with? Do you know the letter writer? - Yuki]

A… very long talk with him.

Perhaps I am revealing a state secret here, but some men are not skilled in verbal communication. Let me amend that… so people are less able to speak with others, be it because they are shy, or because they are not able to put their inner life into words, or… yes, in some cases, they are too rude to care how they come across.

I very much suspect that your boorish man is in the second category. But fear not. When you run across people like this, rather than listen to what they say, watch what they do. It’s clear that you have already been watching, because you’ve pointed out that this man’s actions are “cute” and “nice” and that you believe that deep down he is caring and considerate. Furthermore, he’s attracted the friendship of someone that you like and respect, and I imagine your friend would not be friends with them if they were not a worthwhile person.

[Wait a minute. “Bestie” “Boorish” …? This sounds rather familiar. - ModeratelyAwesomeNinja]

[Keep up, Sasuke - Yoshimoto]

[Apparently, more than one long talk is in my future - Tiger of Kai]

Since you appear to have given him a lot of thought, I suspect that you like this man more than you’re willing to admit. How to act around him? This man will need a lot of patience. First he might not understand what is going on inside of him, and when he does understand, he might not know what to do. Your verbal interactions could potentially get worse before they get better. Just keep in mind that actions very much speak louder than words. 

Your actions will speak to him louder than words too. If you behave in a kind and considerate manner to those around you, if you champion those who need help, if you are a generous friend… all of that will be valued by this man, far more than what you say to him. 

As for the storm? Well, a little bit of teasing and a friendly argument is generally rather harmless as long as you avoid being purposefully hurtful. And, Angel, the best part of fighting… is making up later, as emotion, even anger and teasing, can bring people closer together.

[Lord Shingen, I have a bad feeling about this. - Yuki]

Meanwhile, I’ll begin a lecture series for an audience of young men who very much need to hear it.

Best of Luck,

Tiger of Kai

This is not all that Art of Love has to offer. Check out @lorei-writes for the God GOOD of War’s answer to your question.

[teaboot]

Writing Characters Who Self-Harm: (WARNINGS FOR BLOOD, ABUSE, AND GRAPHIC SUBJECT MATTER)

So, self-harm has a pretty shameful spotlight in general society, and perhaps because of that it seems difficult to find many first-hand accounts on the details of how it works. That said, I've come across a few stories that go about the topic... Somewhat crudely? So if it helps, here's a little breakdown. Keep in mind that it's different for everybody, so this isn't intended to be Holy Law From On High, just a handy reference for any writers who aren't familiar with SH looking to go about touching this subject. TRIGGER WARNINGS General warnings for blood, self-harm, descriptions of violence, etc. 1. BLOOD: Lots of scene imagery after a self-harm episode tends to focus on, "oh god, blood everywhere!" But the thing is, it's really difficult to get a significant amount of body juice out, (depending on the method), and it's not incredibly common for a self-harm problem to get that extreme. Usually, if there's an alarming quantity o' people ketchup present, than (MORE LIKELY) either 1. The person involved was under an unusually high amount of stress and didn't mean to go that hard, and it was accidental and they may be freaking out a little themselves; 2. Blood is the catharsis, not pain, in which case it *might* be produced from multiple small wounds as opposed to one big one, 3. O shit they didn't know there was an artery there, and 4. They might have pulled off a scab from an earlier wound- when this happens, the scab comes off with an amount of healing skin and tissue, creating a wound deeper than the original. Sometimes this bleeds more than the original damage, too, And 5. If the damage involves water or saliva, it can look like there's a lot more blood than there actually is. (This all being said, I have no personal experience with wounds located on forearms, and as such I'm personally uncertain how much blood is normal and expected.) 2. MOTIVE: I see a lot of stuff about knives and razors. Which, yeah, fair, but people can get damned creative when they're desperate. (See #3). That being said, not all self-harm involves cutting, or even breaking skin- self-harm is a coping mechanism where the individual needs to focus on something to either heighten or numb mental stimulus- the urge could be to do something meditative and methodical to distract from unmanageable thoughts and emotions, (or the absence thereof), or it could stem from a sense that they deserve punishment for a misdeed or failure. With punishment, the focus is likely to be on pain, both mental and physical. The end goal is relief from guilt, failure, and depression. With overload or numbness, the urge could simply be to see blood or get that rush of adrenaline that makes everything more manageable. Even aftercare can be soothing to someone who practices self-harm: the act of cleaning and treating and bandaging a damaged area can feel like self-care, like fixing something internally that can't otherwise be controlled. Even the act of self-harm itself can be an act of seizing control, of defying a sense of helplessness, of finally being able to change something. Again, everyone who SHs is different, but very common motives are shame, guilt, and helplessness. Triggers for episodes can include for each: SHAME: Shame is public by nature. Shame is guilt that is revealed to an audience, and as such it is triggered by social conflict. For example, an authority figure telling you you did something wrong, a parental figure expressing disappointment, a teacher calling you out on missing homework or skipping a deadline. Even a peer or peers saying something perceived as hurtful, like, 'your joke wasn't funny'. Non-verbal shame can come from botching a public presentation in front of a crowd, or forgetting something in a group task. Shame can result in numbness, overstimulation, or a need for retribution that is coped with using unpredictable forms of SH that are often kept hidden out of fear of further shame. GUILT: Guilt is private. Where shame is a socially motivated emotion, guilt is personally motivated. A good majority of human beings have a personal set of morals and ethics we adhere to: "Don't lie" could be one. Or, "Elderly persons deserve priority seating on the subway". A personal rule is something you believe is right, that you do your best to adhere to. Guilt happens when you are unable or unwilling to follow your own rules. Guilt comes from giving in to the temptation to do that 'wrong' thing, or from being physically unable to do the 'right' thing. Guilt is a roundabout plethora of 'I could have done this', 'but I didn't', 'therefore I am a bad person', 'but it's okay because of this', 'except making excuses is also against my personal rules', 'now I'm a worse person', 'I don't deserve to feel good', and again, it's different for everybody, but this can also spiral into self-destructive behaviour. HELPLESSNESS: This one in particular is incredibly common among people who have experienced abuse. People who have been restricted from making personal choices, people who are forced into looking a certain way, who are in difficult situations that seem impossible to change. These things are overwhelming and numbing and smothering, and self-harm can be a way of feeling like you have control. 'I can't overcome this situation, but I can overcome pain'. 'I'm not weak because I can handle this'. 'I can't cut my hair or change my appearance but I can change my skin'. Even having a lasting mark or bruise can be a reminder that 'there are things I can control'. 3. TOOLS: As mentioned in point 2, it's not always knives and razors. Those are the best-known, sure, but not all self-harm is cutting. It's true that once someone who self-harms becomes comfortable with a particular method or instrument, they often tend to stick to the familiar routine- either because the ritual itself is calming, or because they've become familiar with their personal limits, or for purely hygienic reasons. Many who practice SH make sure to sterilize puncture tools with soap, a lighter, antiseptic, etc. in order to avoid infection. Self-harm, in addition to cutting, can also manifest as: -Punctures or insertion, as with pins, -Abrasion, with pumice stone or sandpaper, -Scalding with too-hot water, -Burning with cigarettes or lighters, matches, candles, etc. -Elastic bands- repetitive snapping can cause bruises and flashes of pain, -Biting -Pinching -Bruising with fists or blunt objects -Kicking or punching hard objects -Fingernails -Interfering with wound healing- peeling scabs, poking, deepening bruises -Consuming substances that cause physical pain and discomfort -Freezing- sticking hands in ice or frigid water -Banging head or arms against solid objects, walls, furniture -Hitting and slapping -Poisoning -etc. Self-harm is dangerous, but it's normal. It is a coping mechanism that people use when they see no other options. It can be addictive. It can slowly escalate. It can end tragically, but in most cases death is not the goal. Coping mechanisms are used be people trying to live. People who self-harm are often secretive or ashamed. Our society is not kind to things it doesn't understand, and it's difficult to open dialogue when you know what people are thinking. 'Emo', 'attention whore', 'psycho'. That shit doesn't help. And frankly? It's not your tragedy porn. Try to be understanding. Try to keep an open mind. Don't try it yourself, because trust me, there's nothing beautiful or romantic about it and it's a long dark rabbit hole, but try and respect it as something that real people live with.