#I cried at a Korean restaurant today with my mom and she was actually comforting

[thoughtsforsoob]

life update: I got tickets for d1 in la!! I’m so excited :D

[purplesurveys]

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Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say?  I feel like I’ve answered a similar situation recently, but I would assume it was a drunk text or wrong text, inform them about it, and move on.

Do you play video games?  Nah. I do feel a sort of connection of video games since I grew up surrounded by them, though; but I’m more of a watcher than anything. I like watching playthroughs of video games I’ll never play. Do you spend a lot of time with family?  No. We used to, back when the quarantine was still a relatively new thing – we hung out in the living room all the time. But now that we’ve settled in this new normal, we’re back to our normal routines and I usually like staying in my room.

Is your house more than two stories tall?  Technically, yes. We have a rooftop that serves as the ‘third’ floor.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you?  My ex and I never hit one another; that’s a gigantic red flag even I would notice, considering I ignored most of the ones I saw hahaha.

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!)  I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer this question directly, but I like my generosity. I’m not sure if I can call it attractive, though. But if we were focusing on physical features, I like my smile.

What color is your hairbrush/comb?  Pink.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm?  My dad splurged on chips in his last grocery run so we actually have quite a lot of junk food in the pantry at the moment. He also bought several packs of cookie sandwiches, wafers, sunflower seeds, and garlic-flavored peanuts.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive?  Neither.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged?  No, she’s just a good friend of mine.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you?  I guess I don’t, because I’m not even aware of them.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female?  Guy. It was another reporter, so I just ignored it and luckily he didn’t PM me just to ask to add him back, which others have already done. I really hate when work people try to make their way into my personal accounts.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you?  My parents, especially when they are rude to service crew. Gen X-ers are impeccably talented at that, apparently.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate?  Around two or three weeks ago when I had dinner at Angela’s. Her dad gave me a bar of Crunch so I can have something sweet after our meal.

Do you play any games on Facebook?  No, I never did hop on that trend.

What would you like to get a degree in?  I wanted a degree in journalism, and graduated with such. At the end of my college stint I didn’t want to pursue it anymore, but I pushed through with it anyway because it was too much of a hassle to shift and start all over.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Technically not, because I stay up until the middle of the night anyway. It’s been a while since I fell asleep anywhere between 8 to 10 PM.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game?  Watch a show.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater?  I don’t like either; I get fries instead.

What genre of films do you like the best?  Drama.

How many bank accounts do you have?  Two but I haven’t been using the other one in months. That was the bank account I initially opened when I first started ~adulting~ but when I got employed I was required to enroll in this other specific bank, so that’s what I mainly use now.

Have you ever had the flu?  Not really. I just get the occasional fever that pop out of nowhere.

What is your goal for the next few months?  Start saving FOR REAL, and also prioritizing furniture over merch for a while so I can finally fix up my room, which is quickly starting to look and feel like just a warehouse and not very homey at all.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life?  Nope.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience.  Yeah, it was from barbecue that apparently went bad, even though it tasted nothing of the sort. I woke up at 3 AM sweating profusely and with the most excruciating stomachache; I was feeling hot, cold, and nauseous all at the same time, and it probably lasted for like an hour or so.

What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for?  Sealed albums and my pets’ vet expenses.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex.  Charming and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it?  It felt nice to help people.

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? Good question; I’ve never encountered this before. I would let her live a more comfortable, privileged life, where she didn’t have to staple her shoes to keep them closed or have to choose between eating at a fast food restaurant or being able to commute back home.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I’m not sure, actually. Everyone’s always slightly taller than me.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you?  I haven’t.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see?  Tumblr, I guess? My survey blog isn’t for any irls to see.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping?  I don’t really do either often, but I’ll go with mopping.

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious?  Not for me.

Did you pull a senior prank?  No, that’s not a thing here. Did you graduate?  Yeah, elementary, high school, and college.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship?  Nope.

What was the last song you listened to?  It’s a song called Epiphany.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision?  Not ever since I was like 9 lol.

Is fashion one of your interests?  I’m way more interested in it now for sure, mostly because the celebrities I’m into these days put a lot of effort when it comes to their style; so it makes me more aware of the trends that come and go, as well.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone?  I’m keeping it as a possibility, but it’s not a priority for me now.

Do you care what people think?  To an extent, I would say. My life doesn’t depend on it, though.

Is acting something you enjoy?  Never been.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained?  Do you mean a thing or a body part? Anyway, I’ll answer both. The last thing I broke was my BTS Mic Drop pen of V looooooooooool the figurine came off the pen :(( It was pretty cheap though so I’m fine with it; I can always get another one. Last body part I sprained was my ankle, when I had a bad fall a couple of years ago.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours?  Either hasn’t happened.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language?  I don’t think so.

Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at?  Angela’s. Also JM’s, just because their family doesn’t hover and that vibe can sometimes be nice whenever I’m at someone else’s place.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you?  Never.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Not as a very young kid, but I took up table tennis starting when I was 12. Did you ever watch the show Full House?  Nope.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry?  Now that’s just delusional haha. I’m pretty obsessed with some celebrities, that much I can admit; but thinking of them in the context of marriage is so many steps overboard.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture?  No. I could, but I am scared of fire and will probably just think of other ways to express my anger, like tearing up the photograph. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on?  Total length was probably like 3 hours. I haven’t gone too far when it comes to hiking.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo?  Not interested.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Hans.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes?  My mom tried it once in her life, I think. My dad has never smoked.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it?  “Hope right here!”

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want.  Anything that’s supposed to roam freely in the wild, like squirrels.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller?  Taller, since I’m already quite pint-sized to begin with lol.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. < Agree, especially with the eras. Childhood photos are always fun to look at, but I have had to delete a CHUNK of photos from years ranging from 2014 to 2020 because I’ve lost a handful of friends from that period.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people?  It’s hard to for the most part, but I’ve noticed very few people people really don’t. Most of the time it’s bullshit though.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in?  That it’s pretty close to the metro.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during?  Hmm, I prefer TV shows if I’m craving comedy.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during?  Life Is Beautiful.

What’s your favorite restaurant?  Omakase for my sushi fix; School Tteokbokki if I want Korean; Yabu if I’m looking for a generous rice meal.

Is there a dessert you don’t like?  Anything with fruits.

Favorite album?  After Laughter by Paramore.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it?  I can name authors instead of books – John Green and Haruki Murakami.

Underwater or outer space?  Outer space.

Dogs or cats?  Dogs.

Kittens or puppies?  Puppies.

Bird watching or whale watching?  Whale watching. I don’t get to be in the water as much, so I would jump at the opportunity.

What is your spirit animal?  I dunno if I have one but let’s just go with dog and elephant, I guess? They’re my favorites.

What was your best subject in school?  History.

What was your worst subject in school?  Chemistry.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school?  Don’t waste your time.

Who is your fashion icon?  Audrey Hepburn.

Diamonds or pearls?  Diamonds.

What color dress did you wear to prom?  For my own prom it was cream-colored/beige. When I went to Mike’s ball, I went with a royal blue gown.

What’s your favorite plot-twist?  I don’t think I’ve found my favorite yet.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?  Not actively.

Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad?  I dunno...road rage, maybe?

Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad?  It’s very likely.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?  Sometime in the last week.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? No thanks.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call?  Nope.

Who are you closest to?  Angela.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience?  No, all the ones I’ve been to have been amazing experiences.

Are you currently sad about anything?  Not really. I can’t complain.

Have you had any form of exercise today?  Nah.

Can you handle blood?  Nope, I will feel faint if I see it 100%.

Has any place hired you underage for a job?  No.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon?  I haven’t.

Are you currently searching for a job?  No, I like the one I have.

Does eating breakfast make you sick?  No?

[ivyylai]

letters to Dad

7/2018 Did I really want the whole world to know each time I cried while doing homework or those times when the tears wouldn’t stop while I was driving your car. What about the pain I felt when I found your business card or a note with your calligraphy? Would that make them understand what a loss I had? Would they know that you were the best father anyone could have asked for? Would they know what a huge movie fanatic you were and how I bawled when I tried accessing the charter.net account only to find that I didn’t know the single most important question: your favorite movie of all time. I sat there and cried some more. I wish I spent more time with you. I wish I had stayed in the ICU that last night. 10/2018 I hate myself for wanting to go home because I couldn’t bear to see you attached to all the machines. I replay the moment I sprung up in bed to head to the hospital only to find that mom and I were too late. The past few months after were a complete blur to me, but I know that our family and friends were there. 11/2018 I work in the healthcare field now and I see patients who look a lot like you—the average Chinese dad dressed in Ralph Lauren polos tucked in with faded blue jeans and glasses with rubber nose pads. I wonder if they have someone like me, who idolized you, in their lives. Often times, I see older patients who come in with their daughters or sons, and they have binders filled with past medical history, recent lab and imaging reports. It makes me wish that I had the chance to do the same. It makes me wonder how scary it would have been to go through the illness alone— something that you put yourself through so that you wouldn’t make the family worry. I am angry that you pushed away your illness. I kept going to work and school and now i feel foolish for not giving you more time. The truth is that I was really scared of losing you or worse, watching my hero suffer with something that I couldn’t help with. You will always be a hero in my heart. P Now that I think about it, the average Chinese dad style is currently trending. 1/2019 These past months I haven’t stopped crying. Your passing has been the biggest heartbreak I have ever had to go through. I’ve cried so much and I don’t think I can stop. Everything makes me wish you were here Dad and I’m sorry that I can’t be stronger. 

 2/28/2019 Had a dream about you Dad. We were in the Monterey Park house, the one with a lot of staircases and patios. You were waiting to take me to school. I broke down crying because I was stressing out over hw and school. You tried giving me money but that wasnt the thing that made me happy. Then I hugged you and told you I love you and that you need to take care of your health. You assured me with your “ge thou la”. It meant you knew and most of the time— it meant that everything would be okay. You were really squishy. Then I woke up crying in pain. I wish I was able to tell you. I haven’t dreamed about you in so long. Maybe because I’ve been afraid of missing you or afraid of facing reality. I’m still numb and I’ll never stop being in so much pain. Dad I love you. I love you so much. Please take care of yourself and Grandpa. He passed away recently too. I hope you get to see your parents, brother, and sister. I hope you’re all truly happy up there. 

5/11/2019  A-bah. This year has been really hard on me. There were countless amount of days where I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed and I stayed confined to our house while the world kept turning outside. I feel guilty for not being stronger, the way you would have wanted. Many times it feels as if my world stopped turning while everyone else moved on. Dad, I’ve been trying to fix it— I’m trying so hard to be happier, to do better things for people and for myself. But I’m still numb and I don’t know where to go from here. Dad, I’m really scared, lonely, and lost. I’m still hurt and I’m so sorry I am not stronger.

 5/12/2019 Dad, it’s Mother’s Day. I know it is silly to feel sad on Mother’s Day because you always told me that it’s a day dedicated to our hardworking and talented mother. Last year, mom had a huge surgery— and I remember you woke me up on the couch to make sure I spent the night with her while she was recovering at San Gabriel Valley Medical hospital. I spent the whole night with her then. Little did I know that you were actually trying your best to avoid the hospital because you were sick inside, ridden with unbearable amount of nerve pain and nausea. But the year prior to her surgery, do you remember when I paid for dinner after I got off of work at my restaurant job? We ate Korean bbq, which was also when you warned me to drive safely after only 1 shot of soju. I had just started driving then and I thought your comments were unnecessary. I will always treasure that memory with me as the ability to be financially stable enough to afford a nice dinner with my entire family, including my brother’s family. I remember you had so much fun that night and I hope you were proud of me.  I’m now president of my school club and I work with sick patients every day. It’s still extremely painful to know you are no longer here but I hope you are smiling as you see me make a difference in the world.  6/5/2019 Happy birthday A-bah. Today was a pretty good day at work. I thought a lot about how lucky I am to have been your daughter. Many people have fathers who were too busy working to give their children time. Some people didn’t even have fathers and some people had fathers who were unhappy with themselves so they inflict unhappiness upon their family. Not me, I was fortunate enough to be born to you, a humble, generous, good father who was sometimes too good to be true. You were always lenient with me and gave me time to learn from my own mistakes. You let me believe that I could do anything that I wanted. As a little girl, you spoiled me with toys and gifts every weekend, you fed me only the finest of foods even though we were not a rich family. You made me think that I was the luckiest little girl in the world and I still believe that. Any one who has ever crossed paths with you can would agree that you were a good man. One that worked hard to provide a beautiful home to his wife and kids. You were a humble man with a humor and you taught me what it means to be human: to not have all the money in the world but to live comfortably, eat just enough, and to be happy. I still miss your sashimi chef skills in the kitchen and I miss the loving phrase of “did you eat yet?” that you would ask whenever I came home from work or school. I hope I will be able to see you again someday. I’m trying my best to learn how to be comfortable and happy, something I didn’t quite understand before. Don’t worry Dad, I’m doing fine. I have our family and my friends to keep me company until I see you again. You are the best father I could have ever asked for and I am so grateful to have been your daughter.