#I don’t know which drawing to post but reclaiming some art but my growth ugggh so powerful

[thinkingspace]

It’s Kinda Nice...

It was about a month ago when I realized I wasn’t what people say I was. Letting go of this thing, this thing that sorta stuck with me. A handful of people have always labeled me as selfish, fake, and that I have a big ego. The saddest part was, I believed them? And for what? Ya know? Lol. It took years away from me, years that could’ve been great for me had I not surrounded myself with negative people. I don’t ever remember what it was that made them think I was ever those things? Was it because I felt happy in the way it took an hour to do my hair and I felt cute? Because I loved sharing my passion for...art? Something I spent hours alone with? Learning, practicing, creating? Was it because I treated myself well? That I didn’t hate myself? The more I try to figure out why, the blurrier it gets. Which can happen. I don’t blame myself. I never like, actually hated myself. Like, I was never big on the negative self talk except maybe when my anxieties got bad. When I didn’t know how to take care of myself. But, like, where did they get that idea? All I did was maybe laugh really loudly and have confidence. Now that I’m changing, physically and mentally, it’s like, I’m looking myself in the mirror and not seeing those labels anymore. My friend told me the other week that people can be your abuser without them knowing it, or maybe they themselves were victims to abuse and were projecting their insecurities out on other people. Which we talked about and I was like, yeah. The people who’ve said these things to or about me have never actually apologized or changed their ways. Still in the same place, with the same people, living lives I can assume aren’t as exciting or stimulating as my own. But I don’t live a patterned life. As a teenager, I always wanted something new and exciting, I travelled, met people, put myself out there, wasn’t afraid to show my art, wasn’t afraid of myself, wasn’t afraid to dress a certain way, but that was taken away for a short time when I believed them. I stopped sharing my art as much, stopped dressing up as much, stopped posting my selfies, stopped sharing my views of the world. Now though, I know I was never selfish, if that were true, I wouldn’t have gone through a metamorphosis. I wouldn’t have evolved. I would’ve been stuck. Like, I want to share my art again, put myself out there, because it was always my confidence. It’s always my confidence in myself that scared insecure people. I can go up to people and they won’t even look me in the eye sometimes, they get fidgety, they stutter. I never have these problems, I can talk publicly, I can smile and make people laugh. Thanks to my Mama and Papa, I have friends from around the country, powwow friends, older and younger. It’s not just a certain age group, my adoptive grandparents from Canada, an elder who gave me her regalia, clients who I’ve quietly commissioned, there’s tons of support I’ve never really seen before because of my abusers. I don’t blame them for hurting me, they must not have the confidence I’ve had, so they try to bring me down with them. I don’t like that they have to talk negativity about people or gossip about other girls. But their karma will catch up to them, like it caught up to me last year. How I lied to everyone saying it was fine, healthy. Truly, my body wasn’t. Now, myself, really am at my happiest and I wish them that. To change. To travel. To create. There’s nothing really left for me in those people, I outgrew them. Outgrew those labels, which shouldn’t have took years. So grateful and fortunate that there’s this place of peace, where my confidence isn’t frowned upon, where I’m surrounded by people who grow constantly, I don’t remember the last time I hung out with the same crowd and it’s cool! If someone new were to tell me about their lives, I wouldn’t consider it bragging or them being selfish, so happy I was raised to not judge so harshly, to not treat others as one-dimensional beings, my daughter treats people so kindly, she’s the sweetest, we’re doing such a great job with her. Anyways, love you. 🥰