#I don’t wanna vent post but to make a long story short: I was miserable at my old job. got a new job that was rlly exciting but exhausting.

[cheekydogs]

Hi I just wanted to make another post saying I’m still here!! I still love webkinz and other plushes!! Life has just been tough the last few months, so I’ve had zero energy :( I want to try and post more content soon, though, because this blog and the plush community brings me more joy than I can express :)

In the meantime, here’s of my recent pics (that are all itemlabel lol) showing some of my guys having fun with a lil picnic and a label maker

More stuff to come soon!! Sunny and I swear it

[aidenssanctuary-blog]

What Happened To Me Labor-day Weekend 2017

I was baby sitting the animals while my mother, step father and brother went to the camp grounds to enjoy the possible last bit of warm weather we were gonna have the rest of the season. This was fine, even though I much rather go camping I chose to stay home. Upon doing this I made the worst mistake of my life…

I am married. I am in a open-marriage, it’s something we both wanted. We love each other, and we have fun with other people as a couple. Like…swingers, only we develop a relationship or caring for our partners. We don’t just fuck around. If that’s how you live, you do you. I am not here to judge. But this is an important part of my story, so keep this in mind the more you read. I am also trans. Male pronouns preferred, though I am more of a gender fluent person, but 95% I am masculine AF. I’m a beef cake! …Okay, more of a pound cake. BUT STILL. 

This also plays an importance in my story.

So, most of our friends know we like making a connection with other people and cuddle, kiss, sex, you get the picture. So this wasn’t anything new to them. On Saturday I was talking to my (ex) friend about how badly I wanted Taco Bell. Like I would let him rub his knob on my feet (Because that’s what he liked) for soft tacos. He asked if I was serious, and I shrugged and said “Yeah, sure.” Because I just got off my period. And because of that I was craving foods like that, but was broke at the time.

I would have asked to borrow money from my husband if he called me that Saturday like he usually does. My husband was in Basic Training for the army when this happened. I get a call every Saturday, but since he was given the chance to call Sunday instead he chose to work out. I am in no way putting blame on him. This was my fault. Well, it wasn’t. But in a way it was.

I get my soft tacos, and I hang out with him, and two other friends at my house and we were all having a fun time. I got my fur babies, two ferrets named Frits and Apollo out and we played with them. My cat, Milo, came and joined us too. It was all great! Which is why…what happened next was so shocking and disturbing to me…

Trigger Warning: If you cannot handle rape situations please skip the next paragraph.

Our friends left, and he was gonna get his rocks off and go home. He knew we were open, but we had to make a connection. Since I knew this person for so long since we were young teens I didn’t see the harm, and we’ve allowed him to use my feet before to get his jolly’s off. I was laying on my stomach texting my friends before our two friends left my house. That was fine. No big deal. He does his thing, and I am texting away like nothings happening. He wanted my tights off. They were getting in the way. I told him they were staying on. But he tried pulling my shorts off to remove them. I told him the answer was no, so he kinda huffed, even if he didn’t mean to I heard the huff as he went back to his thing. I went back to texting. Not even five minutes later I feel my shorts being tugged off again. Now I am very insecure about my body. I have dysphoria  with almost every part of me… My butt, my chest, my face, everything. So I got very defensive. Quickly I turned my head back and told him NO. Very firmly. He said he just wanted to “look”. I told him not even my husband gets to look. That’s how uncomfortable I was getting. But I have a hard time telling people to leave me alone, or go away. My anxiety flares up and I feel bad for making them feel bad. Looking back at what he did now though I wish I made him leave, because I shouldn’t have felt bad for being uncomfortable… I pull them up again, couple seconds later they go down a smidge. I am annoyed by this point and a little worried. I told him no again, and he said he wanted to just grind against my ass. I didn’t..know what to say. I didn’t want it. How many times did I have to tell him no and pull up my shirts? I paniced. I felt anxiety flood me. I was shaking and frozen at the same time. I blacked out a little bit. Next thing I know… Next thing I know he’s…inside me… violating me.. Just.. inside my special place where he didn’t belong! I think it lasted no more than 2 minutes. He couldn’t keep it in or get it in fully I guess? So he tried pulling my hips up in a downward doggy style? “Face down, ass up”? I don’t know the actual name. But when he did this I finally snapped out of it. I said NO. I pulled up my shorts. I got up off the floor, and I sat myself in my computer chair and told him. “You can’t do that. I am with Allen. I am getting married. You can’t do this.” I didn’t make eye contact. I was holding back tears. After that I faked being tired and needing a shower so he’d leave… He did after about 15 minutes of hearing him ask me. “Was I big enough?” I was disgusted. How could you ask me that?

After he left I balled my house out and called my husband… I knew he didn’t have his phone, not until the next day but he needed to know everything. I left a 6 minute long message on his cell of mostly me crying. Telling him I was sorry. Telling him I felt dirty and didn’t deserve him. How I was violated. How I froze up. How I didn’t know what to do. How he didn’t wear a condom. I was so scared of everything! The next day he called me, and didn’t get the voicemail. Or at least he didn’t listen to it yet… He noticed something was wrong so I asked him if he checked his phone before calling me? He said no. So I told him what happened. He was so shocked. He asked if I was kidding, or if he misheard me.

Now the thing about my attacker is I’ve known him since I was 17. I am turning 27 in the next few days… My husband signed for his release from the army. Begged me to get a rape kit done. I did. Even though I didn’t want to alone. I still have the hospital pictures… My medical forms. Everything. I even kept my hospital bracelet just so I can remember that it doesn’t matter how long or how well you’ve known someone they can still betray you. Three failed attempts at getting my blood drawn. A HIV Prevention shot in the ass, and multiple STD pills later, plus a pregnancy test and Plan B. I am finally released from the hospital with a clean bill of Health. I was offered therapists, but I couldn’t afford them… I kept the Day One pamphlet too… I am also in cripling debt with the hospital and get a reminder every month to pay off my hospital bill. But I can’t afford it with the current check I make. I make $700 a month. $200 goes to mom for rent. $300 is used on bills, like phone, monthly bus pass, pet food, hygienic supplies and so on. Leaving me with roughly $200 to give to the hospital. This doesn’t include feeling myself. I’ve been skipping meals since this happened. I still do to this day. 

My husband is finally getting released soon to help me through this, because of this ordeal and our mutual friends I lost everyone, but two people. My best friend Jae, and my husband. Everyone else “didn’t wanna choose sides” even though he admitted to them and me what he did. I still have the screen caps of him admitting what he did to me, and apologizing for being scum.

The day after it happened my mother came home. I avoided his phone calls, texts, and facebook messages all together. I was called about 34 times in one day. I told my mother not to let him in NO MATTER WHAT if he came over. I was so scared of him coming over, and she still doesn’t know why. I just told her we weren’t friends anymore. It really baffled her. I am still having a hard time telling my mother that the man who stood up for me against 20 kids watching 3 girls beat me up after school. How the same man who came over at 2 am to comfort me during a hard time in my relationship and then walked 3 hours home in the rain that same night, AND went to work the next day just to make sure I was okay, raped me. How do you tell your mother that? How do you tell your mom that one of your friends she liked so much, thought was amazing just like you did, and trusted as much as you did…just how do you tell your mom not everyone is as good as they seem?

I’ve been living with this secret for so long, and finally I get to let it off my chest. It’s been a long 3.5 months. A long, lonely, self loathing, apathetic, miserable time in my life… 

I let my hair grow out. I bleached my bangs. I thought I needed makeup to hide how ugly I felt because I was violated. I stopped drawing. I am…was.. a freelance artist part time to my security job. But since then I was unable to pick up my tablet and draw. I refunded almost everyone. I stopped eating and couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t even sketch vent art on lined paper. I was so lost and alone… I went through a gender identity crisis. Was I a man or a woman? Should I wear my hair long or short? Who am I? 

But then one of my favorite youtubers started posting speed paints again. It inspired me. I watched all their old videos again. It inspired me. I started role playing again with my friends. I socialized on social media more. I then started drawing on my sketchbook, and now finally after 3 long months I picked up my tablet and drew something for myself. It wasn’t great and I am still re-mastering a tablet again. But I feel better and it’s all thanks to him, and the support of my husband and best friend Jae.

I long so badly to tell my crush what they did for me. I am looking for nothing romantic between them. Yet my heart flutters when I see them post something, or when I see new art work on DA. But it’s nothing I want to act upon. I am still healing mentally and am not ready to open our relationship to other people after that. Maybe in the future but just not right now… For now I am still working on me. Thank you all for the support, and thank you for reading my story. I kept this in for so long and finally it’s time for me to stop thinking this is my fault and let it all out. During this whole Fiasco I was blaming myself. Protecting my attacker. Even though I refuse to talk to him and I'm no longer friends with him I tried to make it seem as if it was my fault somehow. Or that it was something I did. But looking back now I realize how stupid that was of me to think that way. This is not my fault. I said no more than once. I've been going through a vicious cycle of being strong than being completely weak when it comes to what happened. But now I'm strong enough to know that it was not my fault. That I did all that I could to stop it. Anyways that's all that I've got to say for now.

-Aiden S.