#I don't really have impostor syndrome I'm just a fraud at that too

[rootandrock]

Here's a lil funny story for you:

My 'first' familiar, that I met when I was a very young teen, gave me his full name, his place of death, and his occupation. He also gave me a time period in which he lived. Straight up just handed me all of that info clear as day.

I was able to verify that the city existed back then (and still does) since it's on maps (as in paper ones at the library), but was never able to validate the other parts until "looking stuff up online" got a lot better. 'Cause we're talking closer to 20 goin' on 30 years ago y'all.

I naturally assume "Well... I could be making it up."

Eventually within the last decade or so, I found a digitized book about the region where he lived and died that included references to him BY NAME, and to his dwelling place and his profession. Yeah. Where he said he was. Who he said he was. When he said he was.

And my dumb ass goes "Well... sure... right... BUT... this is probably still just me imagining shit."

One day I do a last name search to see where that name is the most numerous. And it's most numerous in the region of the country where that aforementioned town was/is, and basically absent elsewhere in the country.

BUT SURELY it's just much more plausible that I somehow knew EXCESSIVE details about the economy and produce and surnames of a specific random region of a specific random country during a specific time period without ever having been ABLE to research it until maybe eight years ago, right? Surely that's more plausible than: "He literally told me because I asked him nicely."

[dzpenumbra]

2/7/23

I'm a bit upset I didn't start this earlier, I could've kept the bedtime momentum from yesterday. And I have a lot to cover today. I'll try to be brief.

The doctors appointment was... confusing. And overwhelming. As I have said several times, the primary reason I went was to get linked up with a GP so I can set up an ADHD screening, so I can get formally diagnosed and start exploring options for management. My primary focus in mental health care lately has been depression and PTSD, mostly PTSD, and I have been very interested in seeing if I can address underlying executive function issues, which PTSD obviously makes much worse, and is a huge source of depression and anxiety. And, with me constantly suffering impostor syndrome, I have no idea whether the problems I have with routine functioning are a byproduct of my PTSD (developmental, cognitive, nurture), a neurodiversity thing (genetics, nature) or a combination of both. By either confirming or denying with certainty a genetic, biological component, I can really set my focus entirely on what I need to work on. Like my therapist was saying, if I have an underlying neurodiversity issue, it's like fighting the same fight with one hand tied behind my back, and meds could potentially open a lot of doors for that.

So... I show up pretty much on time. I chug a Monster on the way there. It was one of those mocha ones, those just disappear for some reason, probably because they're not carbonated. I was running on 6 hours of sleep. I get in and the waiting room is fucking empty. 2 month waiting list and the place is completely empty. And zero wait time. I walk in, the nurse does my blood pressure and comments on how it's highly elevated. Like... she seemed concerned, and offered to double check it later on in the appointment, but never did. Took pulse, that was fine. Then went right into like... some basic history stuff. And she started asking about mental health stuff, and that's why I was there so... I started talking. I started struggling to think, getting really foggy and overwhelmed. I said PTSD, but then started floundering a bit and stumbling on my words. My thoughts were swirling way too fast, I was bouncing between "what are my current diagnoses" and then the dozens of diagnoses I have gotten in the past and shit. I mean, we're talking over 10 years of history here. "Is OCD still a thing?" "Is panic disorder still a thing?" "Would I say agoraphobia?" "Do I even have any formal diagnoses anymore?" "Who was the last person to actually diagnose me?" And the years of shit just started flooding back.

I apologized to the nurse... of course... then just said like... "depression and anxiety stuff." Or something. I don't know. I choked, I guess. I felt the time pressure. I remember stressing that my therapist sent me to them to get screened for ADHD. I swear, I've told them that like 5 times now.

After a minute, the doctor comes in. She seems nice, a more bohemian type, which meshes well with me. She asked me what I do. Seriously, first question from people every fucking time. "What's your name? What do you do?" And I immediately convince myself, "I'm not actually an artist, I'm actually a fraud. I'm just a lazy shit who sits around playing video games and watching YouTube all day, pretending to be an artist. I mean, what's the most recent art piece I've even made?" So I say, "I'm an artist." And the asshole in my head goes "god, you better hope she believes that." And she asks, "oh really? What's your medium?" And I... stumble. Again. Like... I immediately went to "ink". But like... I really haven't done that many ink pieces. My hoodie was the latest ink piece. Hey, guess what? I was wearing the hoodie too... I could've just fucking shown her. But... not in my freaking out brain, I couldn't. So I just sorta fumbled around "ink and pencil, I guess... but I'm exploring other mediums." And she starts sharing how she likes working with clothing and sewing and stuff like that. It was a nice point of commonality, I appreciated that. I just... was more preoccupied by the tornado in my head.

I have no idea how visible that shit is to others. I've been told it's barely visible at all. To me, it's so damn obvious.

I can't go step by step on this, I'm falling asleep, I'm gonna nutshell. She sent me back to my therapist to see if he'll do the screening. Despite him being the one who sent me to her. Her reasoning is sound, she wanted to make sure there wasn't any kind of misdiagnosis or anything, she thought it would be better if the person who screened me actually had a history with me, actually knew me. And I think she has a good point. I have some options to explore there.

She walked me through how hellish the controlled substance regulations are through her. And I mean... it's fucking bad. Like monthly visits, piss tests that can't even show positive for THC, shit like that. It upset me. A lot. I don't like being treated like an addict or a drug dealer. At all. Like, if they were trying to scare me off of even trying stimulant ADHD meds, they fucking succeeded. They scared the Christ out of me. And set off a bunch of underlying trauma shit that's been haunting me in waves all day since.

Like... I move heaven and earth (in the framework of my world), I show up for an appointment after inverting my sleep schedule, 3 days after putting my beloved cat down, I'm actively grieving, I'm a shut-in who rarely leaves my house, I show up on-time, I wait the full 2 months for the appointment. I show up on 6 hours of sleep, I cooperate fully and respectfully, I'm honest and forthright. I have never had a voluntary addiction other than tobacco, which was much more habitual than chemical. I don't have recreational drugs that I could do. I can't drink or I get insane heartburn or start feeling sick well before I get drunk. I can't smoke or else there's a 70% chance I'll freak out and have a waking nightmare. I refused to pursue benzos again because of how I had 3 different brushes with death trying to fucking detox off of them, because I don't have a healthy support network, and even taking one out of the context of regular prescribed usage just brings me right back there. And yet, if a trace of anything shows up in my piss? I get treated like a drug dealer. I get treated like a scam artist swindler who lied their way into a doctor's office to get a prescription for low-grade amphetamines to sell them to college students so they can giggle for a few hours. Or just a fucking drug addict myself. Like all of my efforts to be responsible, mindful and intentional with substance usage was really for nothing, because the system is going to assume that I'm a criminal.

You can probably tell how upset I am about this. This is a fraction of it. This narrative was so powerful this morning that I had to stop doing yoga, first time in the month and a week I've been doing it every day. I called my mom while lying down on the yoga mat because I had to just get the fucking thoughts out. It combined with a few other triggers and just led to utter catastrophe by the end of the night.

Back to the appointment. The doctor wrote me a bulletpoint list of highlights on the back of a business card. She deserves a medal for this, because by the time I got to the door leaving the health center, I had completely forgotten everything we went over. Like fucking Memento or some shit. But she went over some non-stimulant drug options that she can help me out with, even without a diagnosis, I guess? I found that odd, but whatever. I'm going to look into them tomorrow. So yeah, I have a plan. But at a price.

Being in the doctors office (with a lot of medical trauma), feeling like people are being suspicious or unfair to me, and having to explain the story of my life... which, today, was just... utterly depressing... having to explain why I was in a state-funded mental health institution, voluntarily... Like... the context on these things makes a really big difference, and I only had 15 minutes total with this woman. I didn't even get to talk about any of my physical issues at all, like it didn't even have time to cross my mind. All those trauma sparks just set off a powderkeg. The yoga interruption was the shot across the bow. I sank into recording music for the rest of the day. It went really fucking well. I got bass set up, the bass lines were really goddamn hard but I recorded something passable. I even recorded some vocals, which I basically sang at a slightly pushed falsetto near-whisper. I don't really like them, I really wish I would just go for it and project them, but like... neighbors right on the other side of the wall... might be more of a mid-day thing, when people normally aren't home. But the song is mostly done, sans screams.

After that... my mom called. And... I got set off. I don't even know what did it, honestly. I really don't. It could've been anything. But my fight/flight/freeze/fawn today was... freeze. Big-time freeze. For a while. And my mom kept pressuring me to explain why I was upset, so she could help, which just made things worse. And, I completely get why she would do that. It makes perfect sense from that side of the glass, especially when you don't really know it's a trauma response. Maybe it just looks like I'm a bit grumpy or moody or something. Maybe I mask that shit way too well. After finally being able to tear myself free of that quagmire enough to communicate, I was able to tell her about what was going on there. How, in my experience, I got set off by something deeply upsetting that brought back very painful memories. And she was pressuring me, obligating me, to go back and look at it again, and describe it to her in more detail, relive it again... or else I will not get support. Because otherwise, she won't know how to help me with the situation. It's a very common problem we have. And I think I did a good job articulating it today, from my perspective.

It sucks when people are doing the right thing, just in the wrong context. And trauma can be really confusing like that. Like, what I needed was just... help with the emotions and memories I was dealing with. The Now. The details are not essential, honestly. We can work our way up to that, if needed. Right now, I don't feel safe. Right now, I'm scared. Right now, I feel aftershocks of mistreatment and abuse. So what I need right now are demonstrations of safety, comfort and caring. Then, when the alarm bells stop chiming in my brain, we can explore more practical solutions if need be.

My family just... is completely emotionally illiterate. Even me, with all my insanely overwhelming emotions... even I am not very fluent. Even I struggled to identify the emotion I was flooded with today. But these people just flat-out have no idea how to deal with an emotional problem. It's just 100% practical. "How do I make your problem go away for you so you stop hurting?" "How do I solve your problem for you so you're not upset anymore?" It looks helpful, it feels helpful in intent, but it completely bypasses emotions. I suspect by design. And when you're dealing with an emotional problem? It's doomed to cause issues.

So yeah, I just ordered delivery Applebee's again and collapsed in the comfy chair and ate tons of mediocre food and nodded off to a livestream and now it's like 1:30... so I'm going to go to bed.

I need a break.

[sugars-fluffy-escapes]

Good morniiiing! (Or afternoon, or midday, or evening, or even the middle of the night)

Whew! The closer I get to finally mailing out the filled out form for my autism screening, the more scared I get. Ramble under the cut, please skip if talks of ableism and impostor syndrome might distress you /gen /srs

Love you all lots! More fics are on the way!

~ Ushu ❤️

Because of the ableism I've experienced before when I was in the process of getting my ADHD diagnosis, I have a deep-rooted fear of not being taken seriously or heard. I'm certain I am autistic. It's been many months, very long months, nearly a year at this point, that I have been doing a lot of reflecting and research.

I think I'm experiencing a lot of impostor syndrome. My self doubt keeps sneaking up on me and telling me "you're faking, you're a fraud, you don't have this" but it's not fair for me to tell myself these things. Not after the hours I've spent really thinking and researching about this in order to learn more about myself. Everything I experience, my behaviors, my reactions, my traits, that I cannot explain with the ADHD label (which still explains other things, don't get me wrong), make complete, and perfect sense, under the Autism label /gen

And I won't write myself off as just simply being a shy introvert. I am introverted, and I am shy, but NT people can be introverted and shy too, so why am I just reduced to those two things when I know what I experience cannot just be chalked up to being shy. I'm fearful I'll be told it's only anxiety, but the thing is, this anxiety could very well be a result of ADHD and autism, in fact, I'm certain that it is!!!

I am thanking my lucky stars for my doctor and her team, who were immediate in hearing my inquiring, in hearing that I wanted to seek an autism screening, and listening to me. They referred me the same day I called. And the person I've seen has been very kind. I do hope she hears me a bit more in regards to my nonverbal episodes, because although people can shut off and not talk when they're anxious, this is very much not brought about by anxiety alone. I went nonverbal from being startled by my own burp! (This is still so funny to me) I've gone nonverbal from excitement and joy, not just distress.

Aside from that though, she's heard me out, validated me, and can see that I do know myself quite a bit. She's asked the right questions, and some of the same ones in different ways, and she vocally affirmed that she notices my answers do not change. We've already ruled some other disorders out, so despite my worries, I'm hopeful that before the end of this year, I will have my autism diagnosis 🥹🖤 And if not, I will keep going.

This journey of my self discovery has helped my mama too! At this point, I have concluded that one of the reasons my parents never brought up the possibility of me being autistic to the doctors when I was a kid, is because neither of them are neurotypical (which was already known. But it explains why they were not worried or startled by my behavior). They saw nothing wrong with my behavior or traits, they didn't see me as abnormal, they saw me as me. (ND children deserve to exist and enjoy life as themselves. They don't need fixing, they don't need curing. They need to be understood. ND people need to be understood, and heard. ND people should not have to be accommodating for NT people. This world already caters to NT people. Period) Mama saw herself in me. So, happy news, we're on the self discovery journey together!!! Autistic mom, and autistic firstborn 🖤

I hope to update with good news soon!!! Love you all lots! More fics are on the way!!!

~ Ushu 💚

[myexplicittarotjournal]

🌚 New Moon in Capricorn ♑️

I haven't finished contextualizing my life, so you'll probably have no clue what I'm talking about when interpreting the cards from this New Moon in Capricorn Tarot Spread. But I intend to make everything clearer as I advance with my biography, so my dear readers will have more context when interpreting the cards with me.

For now, bear with me.

New Moon in Capricorn Tarot Spread:

We'll be using @lightningwildflower ​'s New Moon in Capricorn Spread, which consists of the following questions:

What is being cleared away with this New Moon in Capricorn?

What past events should I remember as I set my intentions?

What hurdles will I have to climb to reach my goals?

What new structures am I building in my life?

This is the only tarot spread that I found here on Tumblr that relates the New Moon with Capricorn in an intelligent way. So thank you for that, @lightningwildflower ​.

Shall we begin?

My New Moon in Capricorn tarot spread cards:

I'll be using the Rider-Waite deck because I've been reading tarot for a bit more than a year, and the imagery really helps me connect to the energy of the cards.

New Moon in Capricorn question 1: What is being cleared away with this New Moon?

Five of Cups Reversed: I was heavily emotionally invested with my previous career goal of getting a position as an airline pilot. That hasn't happened, and I'm coming to terms with the possibility of this dream never coming to manifest. However, as in the picture of this card, there are still two cups standing up. Which means I need to be thankful for what I have. During my time in aviation, I traveled the world and my home country, which has always been my dream. Also, even though I don't have a job, I am a pilot. I have finished all my training, and I've got my license. And that's a fantastic accomplishment too.

New Moon in Capricorn question 2: What past events should I remember as I set my intentions?

The Star Reversed: I should remember that our dreams can manifest in ways that we could not imagine. That doesn't mean, however, they didn't come to fruition. That's because the language of the feelings translates in unpredictable ways on the material world. When you set an intention, please pay attention to that dream's emotional aspect rather than its rationale. In the card, feelings are represented as the water, and the grass represents the material world and its fruition. The woman is mother earth caring for our desires, dreams, and intentions. When you previously set your intention of becoming a pilot, the rationale was I need a pilot job. But on the emotional level, you wanted to travel the world while leaving the boring corporate world. And you've got just that as a flight attendant. You did it.

New Moon in Capricorn question 3: What hurdles will I have to climb to reach my goals?

The Empress: I've asked this same question a few times before, in different contexts. And the card I would get was always The Emperor. Meaning I needed to concentrate on becoming more confident, mature, and own my shit. Now, curiously I've got The Empress. I suppose this card indicates that once I conquered others' respect, and now that I am more confident, it's time to nurture others and give back to society. Sometimes, I think that many of my insecurities come from being too self-conscious and selfish. I am afraid of what others will think of me, and I let that fear blur my actions. Now, it's time to concentrate on the good you can bring to the world. And not to yourself only. Selflessness is courage. And when you combine The Emperor and The Empress Cards, you get a complete leader and inspiring person. Both internally and externally.

New Moon in Capricorn question 4: What new structures am I building in my life?

Six of Wands Reversed: I have just started a new business during 2020's pandemic. At first, I was trying to be an online tarot reader. Believe it or not, I was a bit embarrassed by other people knowing I was into tarot. So I started my business anonymously and exclusively in the English language. My thought was that if I didn't speak Portuguese, none in my inner Brazilian social circle would notice my online activities by any chance. (That's the same idea with this blog here on Tumblr).

Later, I realized that there was too much competition in the tarot reading market, and inspired by Biddy Tarot, I decided to offer my services to other tarot readers. Why? Well, if there are too many tarot readers out there for you to compete, it means they are a consumer market in themselves. So I thought I should change my business and care for the needs of other tarot readers. I won't reveal at this moment what my services are. But I can say it's very fulfilling, as I am working with tarot, as I wanted, though not reading for others specifically.

Now, what does it all have to do with the Six of Wands Reversed card? Remember when I said I was embarrassed about being a tarot reader? Now that my business is doing well, I am slowly trying to be more proud of it. I told most of my friends and family. And, well, nobody judged me as I thought they would. At least not on my face. My biggest fear was that others would think I am a charlatan and delusional about metaphysical matters. Like, I thought they would think tarot was bullshit, and I was silly to think that works in any way.

And I think the reversed position of this card is representative of just that. Six of Wands is a card about recognition, praise, status, admiration, and so on. The reversed position may indicate self-consciousness, shyness, and shame. And when it comes to building new structures, I think I need to choose what basis I want to lift my business on. Be proud of what you're doing. Be proud of your feminine spirituality. Tarot is cool- It's not a charlatan thing. You are not a fraud. Perhaps I have that impostor syndrome, idk. But hey! You gotta wake up. Whatever foundation you are building your business, it must be a solid one. And there's no space for insecurities there. 

Now, go get it.