#I don't think she planned to fake her death and disappear for the party's safety

[givehimthemedicine]

not to get the morbs on main but do you ever just sit with how incredibly sad "Goodbye, Mike" is? that little El is that ready to sacrifice herself?

the fact that she paused to say goodbye means she expected to die, or at least to get incapacitated and recaptured, which is also extremely sad. I lean towards thinking she didn't know she'd disappear to the UD.

I still don't get what exactly is happening when she does That to Henry and the demogorgon, but regardless, she seems to think it's killing ("if you touch her again I will kill you again") so I don't get the impression that she's aware getting transported is a possible outcome (she doesn't remember '79 in '83). she's already drained from killing the agents and doesn't have the option to recharge, and I think she accepts that the exertion necessary to kill the demogorgon will be more than she can survive.

El has spent a week hearing that Will is important, finding Will is what really matters. and of course she gets the idea Will is more important than she is. he is loved. this is El's first lesson in what that even looks like. this boy is sorta like her real-world counterpart - she's occupying his space in his world, and she's getting a glimpse at what it looks like for a kid her age to be a person, loved and missed, and not just a thing with a serial number on it that its owner wants back.

for that week, El is important because Will is important.

nobody has ever valued anything about El except what she can do with her powers, so she thinks her only value to the party and Joyce is in her usefulness in finding Will, or protecting them. tbh they didn't do a ton to challenge that assumption in season 1 in ways that would be clear to her (not that they had any idea of her experience).

"but the hug at the quarry!" yeah I love it, but she had just saved their lives. even though hugs are nice and she never got them at the lab, she still could think it's because she did something for them. "Joyce hugs her at the end of the bath!" one of the best moments in the series, but again, El had just done something for Joyce. that may be the only motive she sees for it. maybe it's all just lab taffy. what affection has anyone given El that doesn't look to her like part of an exchange or a reward for performance?

El's willingness to sacrifice herself isn't just about loving her new friends and wanting to protect them but like. by that time, she'd done all she could on the Will mission. he's Schrodinger'd at this point, it doesn't even matter the outcome. he's either irretrievable or being retrieved, either way, now that she's served her purpose she's of no further value to them.

if that's her impression, is she proven wrong? while she's still vulnerable from submitting herself to a triggering, exhausting experience to help them, Hopper betrays her location to Brenner in exchange for a longshot chance at finding Will.

(Yeah I know his options were limited and of course he's gonna be more committed to helping Will because he has a longtime relationship with Joyce. but. an authority figure handing a horribly abused child back to her abusers after she trusted him for help does not make me a big Hopper fan, even if he planned to try to doublecross them later. "I'll tell you where your little science experiment is" please.)

but as hurtful as Hopper's trade is, the saddest part is that El is willing to make a very similar one herself. it's more important for Will and these people to have each other back than for her to try to have her freedom. she wouldn't want what's been stolen from her to be stolen from anyone else. it's better for her to be the one that goes away, to make it safe for all of them. she has no one to miss her, not how Will does.

I have to wonder if the way she killed the demogorgon ("killed" "the demogorgon") was the only way she could've gone about it. like, she didn't try to snap its neck first or anything. her Plan A is a method that jeopardizes her own life.

does she see a future for herself in the outside world? one where she isn't forever hunted, and a constant danger to her friends? one that doesn't dead end back in the lab, under crueler conditions than ever before? is that a life she hopes to survive for?

imagine if ST really ended up being an anthology, and all she went out with was one resigned little "Goodbye, Mike" and we never found out any more about it. I would be in an institution

[thefandomcassandra]

I would NOT he surprised if you are already working on this, but could we please have Riz and how he felt/was thinking post Kalina talk?

I wasn't but you know I'm a slut for dumb shit with Riz because I project all over each of these Bad Kids and he has my fears and ADHD shitbrain. So here, from me with love.

---

He can't move. He can't move and she is there and he can't move. He can't move and Fabian is gone and she's right there and he can't move.

(The sword! You fucking moron, the sword!)

He can't move and she's talking and he's talking and sure, he wants to know but he wants to keep her busy because Fabian is gone and she is evil and he may not know why but she is and he has to leave. If she's working with the Nightmare King—and she is empirically working for that awful son of a bitch—then she will hurt them. He can't move and Fabian is gone and his sword is close and he has to leave because if she's here then the others are in danger and he can't have that. He has to keep them safe but he can't move so he has to let her talk. Let her think she's won.

"You dig and dig until your claws bleed but that won't bring him back" like he doesnt already know how his own brain is broken, a spinning gear loose in a grand mechanism. He doesn't need to fake the fear and the quiver in his voice. He is terrified and he can't move and he wants to know why and he asks, in a voice that is more child than private investigator and he should be ashamed of himself but he remembers Fabian's face and Ragh's fear and how so few people can see her in the picture and he can and why is that and he shoves his indignation down and lets himself be afraid because he needs her to talk.

(It's close, within reach. Keep her talking. Buy time for the others. The sword and then run, if you can.)

He can't move and she talks and calls him "bud" and "kiddo" and the familiarity sets his teeth on edge and he wants to claw his skin off because it makes him feel dirty but he can't move and she says people will die and no. No they won't. So he grabs his sword and says a one liner and Misty Steps off but she follows and he can't move still and that was his plan and he's cornered again, only worse.

Question for question and he can't not tell her but he's not a good liar and he tries he tries he tries but it slips out and fucking no she's not but Ragh's mom and he panics but it's for Fabian, for his friends, for his party and he can apologize later but now he knows he's safe and he can't move but he wants to collapse. She laughs and disappears and there's screaming and Fabian is gone and he can move and he runs runs runs to tell them, to panic and Cathilda is already off so he feels better because she can find him for sure.

And Ragh is in a panic and everyone is worried and he can't tell them that he sold Lydia Barkrock for Fabian's safety but now it's worse because he knows. He knows she's more like him than he'd like to admit. And he knows she is fake and smooth and calm and has powerful, dangerous friends and they have to move or she'll do worse if they don't stop the Nightmare King now, because the death toll will rise.

He can move but his heart is in his mouth and he trusts Cathilda but he worries that maybe he can't trust himself because the sheer calculating evil Kalina expressed was more than anything he's ever seen. Kalvaxis was evil, but he was loud and angry. Biz was evil in the simpering and slimy way of men who think they are deserving of attention. Penelope was evil in a Mean Girl sevenfold way. Daybreak was evil in a religious adult in power way. But Kalina?

She's a funhouse mirror, more scary than "Baron" had been because she isn't a lie, she is someone who was so so smart and so so clever and so so selfish that she'll throw away everything to torment others if it means more for herself.

So even if they can sleep tonight, he isn't going to. Not well.

He wants to call his mom.

He wants to go home.

He wants to solve this mystery.

He can only do two of them at once. He has to be selfless. So he can move but this is a choice made for him. This is a choice he made a long time ago.

He holds his sword close and thanks whatever god may be listening—though his mind wanders to Yes? and the inherent doubt within it—that he's paranoid enough. That he's selfish enough. That he's violent enough.

Because he can move and Fabian is okay but next time may be different because she's not wrong and that's what's so fucking scary about it.