#I dont like walking on eggshells in my own house and no I wont talk to her about it because she already thinks im weird

[evilestscientist]

I feel so weird about everything today

[thea-dacity]

I had to make a separate tumblr for this because my roommates follow me on all my social media, and I cannot make this post there because my roommate will see it, and I cant fudge the details enough that she wont know it's about her. But I need somewhere to vent because if i dont i will explode, even if my usual support group wont be there to help.

4 years ago, my girlfriend and I decided that we were going to live together with another couple in a rental home and split the rent 4 ways. Rent in our area is stupidly high, and I was struggling to make rent, so this seemed like a good deal for all of us.

Lots of details here are not important because if I nailed it to the church door like I want to it would take weeks.

For the first year, we were doing really well. All four of us had jobs, even if the pay wasnt stellar. But between the four of us, paying all our expenses was easy and I was even starting to save.

Then. Roommate A lost her job. Its alright. People lose jobs. It happens.

Then. COVID. Which was not alright, and I think that while it's not the root of all our problems it was definitely a contributing factor.

I want to talk about A for a minute. A suffered a lot of emotional abuse from her mother growing up. She goes to therapy for it, she's taking medications, we're to believe that shes working through her problems at some kind of pace. I'm being pretty understanding that recovery ain't a straight line. Plus, we've met her mother and her mom is absolutely a bitch.

She's very jealous that the rest of us have parents that arent narcissists and abusers, but it's not like we dont all have our own host's of problems (whole house is a concoction of adhd, autism, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders).

Every year, A will throw some kind of tantrum. The first time, it was because I said something about how I felt shoved in a corner. Me, my girlfriend, and Roommate B (A's partner) all shared an office together.

A's former remote job required her to have privacy, so it was agreed that she would get an office to herself. But B's job also required privacy, she they got the nook that we were using as our craft room, and we just agreed to be conscious of her privacy during work hours.

This didnt last very long. I couldnt use my computer to play music very loud and my girlfriend couldn't use the space to sew. And I felt, as I said, shoved in a corner.

So I asked in our house chat if we could reconfigure the working scenario because I felt like I wasnt... given proper space to work.

Didnt even mention A, but A went on a tirade about it- wrote up a whole screed about how she was the bad guy and then locked herself in the office (remember, at this time she was not working from there) and didnt talk to us for three days.

We worked out a solution where B works from the closet of their bedroom in a makeshift cubicle, the nook goes to me and Girlfriend, and A gets the office to herself... for some reason. Eventually this turned into their game room.

But it kind of set the tone that at least once a year this 40 year old throws a hissy fit about something and then doesnt apologize.

Again. I'm trying to be understanding of her situation, but there are days where I have to walk on eggshells.

Well... it's that time again.

Rough update of the events preceeding:

I quit my toxic job awhile back and started a new career as a photographer, which requires a lot of equipment. This job does not make a lot of money and theres a few months where I have to find extra work just to make ends meet.

Girlfriend lost her job and has been deeply depressed, and money issues mean that we are privately going through a rough patch during the slow season. My emotion s are... kind of haywire right now and I'm trying to make it work, but it's hard.

B got a promotion, enough that they can afford a starter home, possibly. They're trying, anyways.

A only leaves the house for doctor's appointments and house showings. She hurt her back some years ago and she hasnt been able to find a job.

After failing to find either a house to buy or an apartment to rent, girlfriend and I decided to stay in the current place. A and B are trying (and failing) to find a house of their own because the market is... very tight right now.

A cant contribute to the move monetarily and has anxiety about not being ready to move when the time co.es (even if it takes a whole month to close on a house.) She started packing in February. Its May, now, and no sign of any move to come, but the amount of boxes in our house would make you think they're moving out tomorrow.

So my stuff is crammed in the craft room (because she asked me to move my stuff out of the garage so she could use the garage as an exercise room, which never happened) a d there's boxes everywhere, making it difficult to get to my stuff to organize it. And she wont put her stuff in the garage because 'theres mice in there' even if her solution to my stuff is to put it in the garage. Its frustrating to live in a place where you cant use the furniture because its covered in boxes.

But let me back up a little because today's tantrum has details.

Last October, I accidentally backed into Bs car. Damage was a crack in the bumper, which I didn't think was a big deal, I offered to pay for it, but B went through insurance instead, which meant I almost lost my insurance. But they didnt pay for any of it, and it was a minor inconvenience- and in any case it was between the two of us, no hard feelings.

B asked if, in the future, I could park on the street, because their car is newer than mine and not as sturdy as my older car, to prevent any future mishaps. I decided this was fair.

Now I think we're up to speed.

My car had a coolant leak this past week and the car overheated. I took it to a mechanic to take care of, but it took a few days and they got me a rental so I could still do my job. And today was the last day of me having it.

B was at the office today, so their parking spot in the driveway was empty. My task today was to return the photo equipment to our main office and since the bags are heavy I decided to park in the driveway just so I could get my stuff in.

I realized as it was sitting there that the grill of the car kind of made a funny face, so I snapped a pic of it and shared it on tumblr before driving off.

So because A follows me on tumblr, she saw the pic and had something to say about it:

"Please dont park next to me. You backed into (B's) car and we just got it fixed."

There's like 3 feet clearance between our cars. I was only there for half an hour. In fact, I was away from the house when she put that in the house chat and didnt respond right away. Girlfriend actually came to my defense first.

"there's no call for that. 1) his implies that (tgea) makes a habit of driving recklessly, which is untrue and 2) the rental is in the driveway to make sure IT doesn't get damaged 3) why is (thea) not allowed to uise the #!%^$% driveway"

And B offered to park behind her car, which was not the point, since my car wasnt parked there anymore. The problem is that B always wants to negotiate and see both sides of a problem, but sometimes one side is simply being unreasonable.

And it really is just fucking ridiculous- I pay rent here, I should be able to park in my drive way for 30 minutes without scrutiny.

Girlfriend told her off in person as well, that she was being fucking ridiculous. I dont know what all she said, but A hasnt talked to me since getting back from the mechanic.

Since moving in here, I never really got the sense that this I was welcome. Like... yeah I live here, but this is A's house, not mine. I'm a tool to be used so she doesnt have to pay rent or cook dinner. Like... I've got my own mental issues, you know? I have self worth problems that this is feeding and I feel like I'm a pest that does inconvenient things like make messes and thats why I'm only allowed in our bedroom, our office nook, and the garage. Like that's why she keeps putting my stuff in the garage- I'm like one of the mice.

These tantrums dont happen on their own, usually. What typically happens is shes in a bad mood because she was eavesdropping on a conversation where i said something she didnt like and is looking for a reason to be mad.

And the only thing that I can think of is that this morning I had a conversation with B about how we had a lot of duplicate items in the cupboard and I was trying to plan meals around the things we have excess of, one of which was an ingredient that only she uses, typically. And that food is expensive and we should try to budget a bit more carefully. Which doesnt seem like the kind of thing that someone might get vindictive about, but guilt does weird shit to your brain.

Unless, of course, she was somehow listening in on the conversation I had with Girlfriend about how I need to put my foot down about food expenses and say that I shouldn't be paying for their convenience foods (premade salads, frozen burritos, bolthouse drinks) or her bougie food choices (pepperidge farm bread, Annie's mac n cheese, brown eggs only, cant buy store brand anything) because when I'm working I rarely eat any of the food that comes in the house.

The walls here are thin, sometimes I hear them arguing. But we keep our voices down, and if the comments I made in my own room, which is one of the FEW places I have to myself, made her mad- then she should have said something about that instead of forbidding me from parking three feet away from her precious Kia that she never drives, in my OWN FUCKING DRIVEWAY of my OWN FUCKING HOUSE.

I'm trying not to go crazy here, but shes making it very hard, and I feel like vermin. Vermin that pays half the rent and makes all her food.

Anyway, I feel a little better having talked about it, but after that I dont know what to do because if I bring it up that she was being unreasonable, then she'll find something else to treat me like shit over and we get back to the eggshell cycle.

I want to block her on tumblr so I can even talk about it where my friends are, but if I do that and she figures out that I blocked her it's going to make this house absolute hell.

I'm literally screaming inside.

[sumbreon]

just going over this whole past year, you know how it is

self harm and family death below so that gives you an idea of how its gone i guess

so january started on a nice high, i felt better than i had in a long time and then one week into january it took a complete nosedive to the lowest id felt in years. like i went from starting to talk and managing to push myself to do some stuff i wanted to/would be good for me to wanting to self harm for the first time in seven years. i was sat at work completely dissociated and got jolted out of it by an extremely vivid image of blood pouring out of my arm.

it was a double edged sword because it pushed me to finally reduce my hours at work which i really needed but like it meant i was doing real bad which really fucking sucked with how id been doing the past month. it was agreed with my boss that id start my reduced hours in april so we wouldnt have to mess around with annual leave calculation bullshit and just knowing it was coming helped but i was definitely pretty out of it for those months.

march rolls around, i have a week and a half booked off. im gonna decide on some things i want to do with my extra time after i recover mentally and then my grandmother is in hospital with some dark spot on her bladder and the care home she was in cant look after her anymore and she may have contracted covid in the hospital but its fine she didnt then michael tells me theres gonna be a band 4 coming up in pathology IT but i cant process that right now but its there in the back of my mind constantly then she gets bounced around a few care homes then shes back in hospital then it settles and shes in a care home 5 minutes away from our house but i still havent seen her in like a year and a half at this point and im wracked with guilt because what do i remember about her really? not much it feels like, i worry if shed even recognise me, what would i even say to her? but it doesnt matter because visitors are still limited and id rather my mum and aunties see her cause theyd get more out of it

then its april and my mum just snaps under her own job, i have this extra time at home but i gotta walk on eggshells cause march happened and now this and i have no idea how shes doing mentally because this family is so emotionally repressed so i just hide in my room, basically feeling kinda catatonic and just straight up lying at work like 'yeah its great!'

then may comes around and i do actually start to recover. the band 4 jobs still in the background of my mind but nothing mores been said about it but i cant not think about it. the time goes by so much faster than you think it would but i start drawing again. small canvas size just sketches nothing fancy at all just a minimum something once a week no pressure its okay

june is much the same, the plan had been recover mentally then start applying for jobs elsewhere but then the band 4 was there looming so the plan became wait and see what comes of that, i dont manage to get back to where i was at this time last year but i do my best to not hold it against myself, im getting better thats what matters

july. the band 4 goes up its all thats in my brain. i want to recind my application so i can stop worrying about it. i get the job its full time and day time hours as opposed to the 12-8 ive been doing for years but its too good an opportunity for me to pass up. its means i can get on paper IT experience

august comes around and im due to start my new job on the 8th. its the 7th i go downstairs see my mum and ask her how its going. my grandmother is dead. i start my new job and i say nothing about that, its a struggle though i dont show it im shown a few things but theyre done quickly and easy to stay on top of, i only know one person in this room, my desk is the first one you see when you come into the room so im on edge every time the door opens, i dont want to be doing this right now but sitting at home wont do me any good either so i bear it silently, the funeral is the 26th, i only mention this to my new boss because i need the day off, theres a moment of pity that i cant really deal with. i hate being pitied i know people mean well by it but it makes me bristle. its the 26th my mum starts crying as we get to the crematorium shes gripping my hand tightly and i wont let her go either, i sit there and feel the guilt about not remembering but then my great uncle starts to read her eulogy and its like 'oh. there you are. i do remember you. i remember so much of you' and then im crying too

september and october i mostly just continue to adjust to how things are, this new normal, the new job is good, my new boss is kind, i want to cry

november, the birthday month, the start of self reflection. what do i want out of life, how can i get it, who do i want to be. i never really know, i remind myself that this year has been a struggle and i do my best to be kind to myself, its birthday week and ive kept up the weekly sketching for 6 months now, i only missed one week and i dont feel bad about it. a band 5 has gone up in pathology IT, explicitly for me

its december and its come around so fucking fast, its over already. i get the band 5 we have a nice christmas. i survive. this year had such extreme highs and lows and i honestly have no idea how to like rank this year

i have come to the unfortunate conclusion that working in pathology IT will be temporary, my boss is set to retire july this year, working full time takes too much out of me so i dont have the energy to do things that i want, i miss my hours of 12-8. the plan was always stick it out for a year and see where im at but the hope was that id stay. maybe im not done adjusting but thats for the eden of june to decide.

thank you for reading i love you i hope things go well for you be kind to yourself - eden :] <3

[canyonroads]

I.

The cafeteria, first day of the fifth grade,

I face the demons of loneliness and fear.

You call my name across a crowded room,

And I don't know it yet but

Youre finding me, dug me out of the dirt

Like an old forgotten locket.

First friends always hurt the hardest,

And they say you never really shake them.

II.

In the field behind your house,

Stacking haybales into something like a stage.

I wasnt a dancer or a singer until I met you,

Always brought out the best in me.

Hold your soft hands in

My calloused ones,

I know your parents told you to stop talking to me

Always happy that you never did.

III.

Skip to ninth grade, our first high school dance,

We dont talk much anymore these days.

You have new friends,

So do I, but still,

You always smile when you see me.

And when you're done shining too bright for this room,

You save a dance for your best friend.

IV.

Shooting whiskey in the country,

You, your not-boyfriend, and my freshly broken heart,

Arms around me on the porch step as I

Pray for some holy relief to fix me.

And when I felt broken and

About ten degrees past unlovable,

You fixed me up and slugged my shoulder,

Picked my mess up and told me I was fine.

V.

Walmart bathroom in a strange city,

Leaning against the sink while we wait

For the blue results on a

Cheap-ass back-shelf pregnancy test.

You say you dont want it, but

The hope in your face says something different.

For the first time I look at you and

I dont like what I see.

VI.

At nineteen you and I are healing from

Mutual heartbreaks and one big death.

I stare at you across the pews

So I won't stare too long at the casket

And risk breaking my own

Too-fragile heart in my ribcage.

You squeeze my hand and tell me

We may lose, but not each other.

VII.

A summer spent in your car together,

Driving everywhere these wheels will take us.

Tracing my feet through

The veins of the mountain forests.

I smile for the first time in months as

You sing our favorite song at the top of your lungs.

Compare the stars above to a new love,

From the passengers seat I dont see your jealousy.

VIII.

Outside my boyfriends house one year later,

My stomache sinking to my knees.

I see your car parked there and

He wont answer any of my calls.

I ask myself how I could be so blind to

Glancing over dinner and drunken touching.

I throw my foot into the gas and

I leave behind every trace of you and me.

IX.

Another year, an awkward coffee,

This has to be the longest I've gone without you.

I apologize for overreacting then,

But not for my lingering suspicions now.

But they dont matter,

I tell myself that we are different.

Told myself you couldnt be to blame,

Not when I needed you to be my salvation.

X.

I look at you across our table,

I just dont know who this person is anymore.

We have been under this roof together

For what feels like a century.

I dont know if it's the eggshells I walk on,

Or the gas you lit inside my skull.

But when I walk away I hurt the most

That a friend has ever made me feel.

EPILOGUE.

I dream you're doing well, but I cant

Pretend I never saw the way you

Coveted me like a precious art piece,

Never let anyone else get too close to me.

I am not yours anymore,

Now I just pray I never see you again.

I just have 3 things I wanted you to know,

Before I try to put you behind me;

That I never forgot these scenes with you,

That I ache because I think I could have saved you,

But rest assured that I am

Ready to move on from you.

[gayerluke]

sorry im gonna yell about my ex for a sec (ok it got real long sorry)

i guess when my ex broke up with me i didnt really process that she basically admitted to cheating on me, & i still haven't really processed that? like i always forget that detail but i guess it's kind of important. i cant believe how nice i was to her!! i let her live in my house for like MONTHS after she said she was planning to leave!! i wish i had been angrier, i deserved to be angry!! instead the toughest stance i was able to take was indifference. i begged her to come back bc i couldnt fathom how else i was gonna survive? i couldnt understand how she could change so much from the person i knew? i've made so many fucking excuses for her bc i didn't want to hurt her & i didnt believe she could be that uncaring but she sure fuckin was/is & it's not on me to forgive her when she's done nothing to repair the damage or even own up to it lmao. like i was upset that she didnt want to talk to me anymore bc i thought it meant that i had done something wrong but now im like just mad that she doesnt value me enough to feel like she owes me any apologies or explanations or anything. THEY (her & her weird friends? roommates? girlfriends? vegan furry vampire cult? who tf even knows) have always played it like im the monster, like i was making it a bad situation, but SHE was the one who did all this! & shows no remorse! i did nothing wrong, it's not my fault & i didnt deserve what she did to me.

i thought all i wanted was to be friends again but if she wont acknowledge that what she did was unforgivable then i prefer to forget her. i have been so kind & done so much to prevent her from feeling bad, but like..... even if you're sick you still deserve consequences for hurting other people? oh you feel bad oh you feel guilty, those arent unhealthy or irrational feelings when that's exactly how you SHOULD feel bc you are, in fact, guilty! you did a terrible thing! it is not on me to absolve you of that. why do i have to walk on eggshells around your feelings when you give zero fucks about mine?

she just fucked me over so bad!!!! like she with very little exaggeration ruined my life, i mean im trying to repair it but everything up until then was just garbage, almost a decade of my life down the drain, so many opportunities i missed! a third of my life just gone! & i think about her & i think about what she tells people when they ask her where she's from, when they ask why she moved there, does she tell the truth & say "oh yeah i forced my ex to move somewhere where she didnt know anyone, prevented her from making any friends, & then abandoned her in the middle of the desert"? does she call me her crazy ex? does she talk shit about me? like who am i to her? how is she remembering me right now? does she feel guilty, or does she feel free?

anyway she texted me the other day about some minor health concern with the dog she stole from me & i just didnt reply. i have nothing to say to her. her dog is her problem & if she wants money from me she can fuck off & stop pretending she's poor when her mom literally lives in a fucking mansion & will give her money whenever she wants.

& also im thinking about it bc im going on a second date tomorrow & like, i have no clue how to have a normal relationship! no clue, zero, zip, none. i dated one single person & i was with her for 8 fucking years. that’s a lot of baggage on its own lmao but also like. i dont know how to DO anything, i dont know how to be casual, i dont know how to not swallow someone whole. i dont know what a healthy relationship is bc i spent so many years just plowing through & pretending i could fix anything if i just held on tight enough!! it never occurred to me that it could end, that it WOULD end, or even that it should when it got bad. i just thought that’s what i had to work with & that’s what i had to do, ending it was never ever an option in my mind & yeah obviously that’s on me but what do i DO with it?