#I dunno if he's Actually lactose intolerant I just thought it was funny

[naswoop]

How iconic of him

[suckitsurveys]

What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? Bananas. 

Do you enjoy any food combinations that others might consider to be weird? I mean, probably? I can’t think of anything right now. 

What is a green vegetable that you enjoy eating? Spinach.

Name something you might find in a salad. Anchovies.

What is your favorite type of sandwich? One someone makes for me, lol. 

Which condiment do you use the most often? Good question. I don’t think I use any more than others, tbh. Like, I dip different things in different sauces. Name a chocolate bar that you enjoy eating. Kit Kats.

What is a meat that you do not eat - ever. Veal.

Are you lactose intolerant, or have any other sort of food allergies? Nope.

What was the last food that you burnt your mouth on? It happened recently but I cannot remember what the food was now. 

Which brand of soup do you eat? I don’t really eat a specific brand?

What are some flavors of ice cream that your enjoy? Butter pecan, anything caramel, vanilla, chocolate chip cookie dough, various Ben and Jerry’s flavors.

What is the best type of cookie, in your opinion? Pillsbury sugar cookies with the holiday shapes printed on them.

Would you rather have popcorn, pretzels, or chips as your salty snack? Chips. I prefer my popcorn more buttery than salty. Also, oddly enough, I’m currently eating pretzels.

Have you thought about going on a diet & actually went through with it? Fuck diet culture. 

When you woke up today, was there anything on your mind? I don’t remember. 

Who was the last person you interacted with for the first time? Someone at Starbucks when I picked up a drink the other day.

What colour was the wrapper of the last snack you ate? Green.

Do you have a favourite mug to drink from? What does it look like? I have a mug with bats on it. 

What was the last thing you used, that came in a spray can? Lysol. Just 2020 things!

What colour is your favourite bra? Beige. 

Who was the last person you went to for advice about something? My husband.

Have you had a deep conversation with anyone lately? Sure.

What was the last compliment you recall receiving from someone? Mark said I was cute.

And the last compliment you gave to someone else? I said Mark was cute. Lol.

What kind of bread did you eat most recently? Garlic.

What was the last sound you heard, that you found pleasant? My cat meowing.

How many books do you think there are in your house? Take a rough guess. Like, 50 ish?

Of all the books you own, which do you think has the most pages in it? I dunno.

^ And how many pages is that? I don’t knowwwww.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema? What did you think of it? Frozen Two in an actual theater over a year ago. Hocus Pocus at a drive in back in October.

In the last book you read, what was the main character’s name? Hfhdksfhdkfhdkfdfs

What was the last song you heard, that meant something to you? 34+35 by Ariana Grande :P 

How many people do you know whose name begins with Z? I can think of 1 person right now but I’m also tired af so who knows.

What do you expect to be doing at this time tomorrow? Probably trying to sleep. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday are my last days of work until I am off for two weeks and they are going to be STRESSful.

Did you start listening to more Michael Jackson after his death? No.

When was the last time that you played hide and seek? Recently with my niece.

Who was your first celebrity crush, if you can remember? Ash Ketchum. 

Do you worry about money? Uh huh.

Have you ever had to beg for a second chance? No.

When was the last time that you sent an actual letter through the mail? I just sent out a bunch of holiday cards!

Are you excited to return to school? I’m done with school.

Do you hate Internet abbreviations? No.

What was the last insult you gave out? idk I probably called Mark an idiot. 

What’d you last look up on YouTube? I don’t remember what the last thing I searched for was but the last thing I watched was a recommended video about 25 facts about Bob’s Burgers.

Are you texting someone really awesome right now? I’m not texting anyone right now.

Do you know when to be serious and when you shouldn’t be? Yes.

Do you think that you’re funny? Sure.

Have you ever sent a secret to Post Secret? No.

What movie do you really want to see in theatres right now? There aren’t any showing in theaters in right now or for most of this year. I miss going to the movie theater.

Have either of your parents shown affection for you today? Yes, my dad said he loved me before I left his house earlier.

What’s the last thing that you sang out loud? Christmas songs.

Is there a word that you always misspell? Sure.

What was the last thing that you bought that someone else benefited from? I mean, a buncha Christmas presents that will be opened next week.

Has someone ever made you a really great mix CD? Yeah.

Have you ever been on Omegle.com? Yes.

Did you talk to someone cool there? I didn’t talk much, I just went on there to check it out.

What song reminds you of your best friend? The White Stripes always do.

Who was the last person to hit on you? My husband.

What’s on the paper nearest you? a list of things I need to do next week.

Do you have a set of lyrics that you really love? A ton.

Did you get an A in your last English class? Probably not.

What did you last use scissors for? My niece and I made a paper chain to count down to Christmas.

Did you ever secretly hate a friend of yours that thought you liked them? No.

What do you think of when I say “boat”? Uhhh, a boat?

Would you ever get a tattoo sleeve? I want a half sleeve.

Do you know any really fake people? Yes.

What does the last blanket you used look like? I’m using one with the logo of the college I work for on it right now.

Do you have appreciation for graffiti? I’ve seen some really cool graffiti artwork.

Why don’t you drive? I do drive.

Does it annoy you when your printer runs out of ink? If I had one, yes.

Have you ever drank anything from a thermos? Yeah.

When was the last time you played in the snow? Earlier this year with my nieces.

Do you know any ignorant people? Yes.

What is the coolest name you’ve ever heard? Lots of cool names.

What did you last argue with someone about? I don’t recall.

Is there anyone that you dislike for no real reason? No, I have reasons.

Have you had a good day? Yes.

Are you going to have a good night? I mean, I am right now.

[whumphoarder]

Festive Misfortune

Summary: Being lactose intolerant sucks. Being lactose intolerant during the Christmas season sucks even more.

Or, Tony tries to give his kid a carefree holiday party for once by serving a completely dairy-free menu. But of course, Parker Luck™ strikes again.

(In the same universe as Spider-Man’s Very Mundane Kryptonite and Face God and Walk Backwards Into Hell, but you can read them in any order)

Word count: 1,953

Genre: Fluffy illness, sickfic, Christmas theme

Link to read on Ao3

“So, you’re saying I can eat everything here?” Peter asked in amazement, eyes scanning the overflowing buffet table at the Avengers team Christmas dinner. “Including the lasagna?”

Tony nodded. “Every single dish. I catered the entire event from a restaurant specifically specializing in allergen-free dishes. Despite how it may look, there’s not a drop of dairy in sight.”

“So”—Peter moved over to the dessert section of the table—”the cannolis? The tiramisu?” He looked up at his mentor, near giddy with delight. “Even the cheesecake?!”

Tony chuckled. “For once, knock yourself out, kid.”

For just a second, Peter looked like he might cry. He settled for pulling Tony into a bone-crushing hug. “Mr. Stark, this is the best Christmas ever,” he said sincerely.

X

As expected, dinner was a rousing affair. The team joked and laughed as they ate, sharing anecdotes and recounting past missions with each other. With the exception of maybe two dishes that had weird textures, the catered dairy-free food was all surprisingly good. Peter tried a little of everything, gushing his thanks to his mentor the entire time to the point that Tony felt a little bad for not having done this before. Everyone agreed the crème brûlée topped tofu-cheesecake was the star of the show; Tony watched fondly as the kid polished off his third slice.

Once dinner was finished, the team moved into the common area living room to decide on a movie to watch. Or attempt to decide on a movie anyway.

“White Christmas,” Bruce said. “Hands down, best Christmas film of all time.”

“You can’t be serious,” Clint balked at him. He made eye contact with Tony. “Home Alone. That kid is a tactical mastermind.”

“I vote Die Hard,” Natasha said.

“That’s not a real Christmas movie,” Wanda complained. “I want to see Charlie Brown in English. I’ve only ever seen it dubbed in Sokovian.”

“Nah man, you gotta do the Grinch,” Sam said, walking in with a massive bowl of steaming popcorn.

Nat wrinkled up her nose. “Which version? Classic or Jim Carrey?” she asked as she snagged a handful of popcorn.

Sam shot her an offended look. “Jim Carrey is a classic.”

Steve was sulking in an armchair at the other end of the room. “I still vote Babes in Toyland,” he grumbled.

“Okay one, that definitely sounds like a porno,” Tony scoffed at him, “and two, that’s just because it’s the only one old enough for you to remember.”

“Hey,” Steve shot back, “I have the right to nostalgia just as much as the rest of you.”

“What about It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street?” Bruce suggested. “Those have gotta be from your era, right?” He glanced up at the ceiling for confirmation.

“It’s a Wonderful Life, directed by Frank Capra, was released in 1946,” FRIDAY informed. “Miracle on 34th Street, directed by Les Mayfield, was released in 1947.”

Steve sighed and shook his head. “I was frozen in ‘45.”

“Ah.” Bruce winced. “Sorry.”

“Okay, I say we let the kid pick,” Tony declared over the chatter. “What do you say, Pete?” he asked, turning towards the unusually quiet teenager at the other end of the sofa.

Peter seemed caught off guard. “Oh. Um, I dunno…” He shrugged and shifted position, pulling his legs up and tucking his knees to the side. “I’m good with whatever.”

“C’mon, you gotta have some preference,” Tony pressed.

“I guess…I mean, the Grinch is always good. Or Christmas Vacation, maybe?” Peter suggested.

“Oh man, how did I forget about the Griswold family?” Clint exclaimed. “I’m changing my vote.”

“I’m down,” Sam agreed. “Exploding turkeys, insufferable relatives, electrocuted cats...what’s not to love?”

X

It turned out Clint could more or less quote the whole movie, and did so under his breath for the first five minutes solid until Nat threatened to silence him in a rather unsavory way. They were all much quieter after that.

The movie was amusing as always, but Tony was a little distracted. Peter kept shifting around on the sofa, only giving half-hearted laughs at the funny scenes. For the most part, his lips were pressed together tightly.

Tony frowned and leaned over to whisper at him. “You alright, kid?”

All traces of discomfort disappeared from Peter’s face as he quickly flashed his mentor a smile. “Yeah, of course.”

When they got to the swimming pool scene, Tony jokingly tossed a throw blanket over the kid’s head, blocking his view of the screen.

“Aw c’mon!” Peter complained, his voice a little muffled by the blanket. “It’s PG-13. You don’t even see anything.”

“No minors will be viewing sideboob under my roof, kiddo,” Tony declared.

Natasha smirked at him. “The hypocrisy is rampant.”

“Nah, I’m with Stark on this one,” Clint said. “Kid’s got plenty of time for that later.”

Wanda rolled her eyes. “You two are such dads.”

Still comically covered by the blanket, Peter got to his feet. “I’ll just use this opportunity to go to the bathroom,” he mumbled. “Enjoy your sideboob, everyone.”

The team snorted in laughter as the blanket-clad figure shuffled out of the living room.

X

When twenty minutes passed and Peter still hadn’t returned, Tony was starting to get antsy. Finally, he slipped off the couch and headed out to the hallway.

Upon discovering that the closest bathroom was unoccupied, he paused. “FRIDAY, where’s the kid?” he asked.

“Peter is currently in his bedroom,” the AI replied.

Tony’s brow furrowed. He’d just been teasing the kid about the sideboob thing—he honestly didn’t give a shit if Peter watched PG-13 or even R rated scenes for that matter. But maybe calling Peter out in front of a group of his literal heroes had embarrassed him more than Tony thought.

Figuring an apology was probably in order, he made his way up to Peter’s room. Technically, it was one of the guest bedrooms, but Peter stayed in it so often that it had morphed into his own space.

When Tony got there, he saw that the door was just slightly ajar. Through the gap, he could see Peter sprawled out face down on top of the bed, arms circled around his pillow which he was clutching to his stomach. His head was tilted away from the doorway so Tony only saw the back of it.

Tony hesitated a second before rapping the back of his knuckles against the door. “Hey kid? You planning on coming back?”

Peter pulled his head up and turned towards the doorway. Seeing his mentor, he immediately pushed himself up to sit up on the bed against the headboard. “Oh, sorry!” he gasped. “You didn’t pause the movie for me, right? Because you can totally keep playing it.”

Tony pushed the door open further and stepped inside. “They’re still watching, don’t worry,” he assured. “But you disappeared on us. What’s going on?”

Peter glanced down at the bedspread and shrugged. “Just got kinda tired. Wanted to lay down.”

Tony frowned as he moved closer to the bed. “Too tired to sit on a couch and watch a movie?” he questioned. “You feeling okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Peter mumbled back, but his stomach cut him off with an angry-sounding growl. A grimace flashed across his features and Peter snaked an arm around his middle.

It was a gesture Tony knew all too well. He blinked at the kid. “You have a stomach ache.” It was a statement, not a question.

Peter gave him a sheepish look.

Tony blinked again. “Why the fuck do you have a stomach ache?” he demanded.

“Uh...sorry?” Peter mumbled.

“No, I didn’t mean-” Tony cut himself off with a frustrated sigh. “I just don’t get it. Nothing you ate should have had dairy, so why is this happening?”

Peter gave a half-laugh. “Welcome to my world, Mr. Stark.” He hugged the pillow back to his obviously cramping stomach. “It's fine—I'm used it it. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve ordered soy milk in drinks at Starbucks and got regular milk instead.” He shrugged. “Now I just get that iced tea lemonade thing when I go there.”

“This is unbelievable,” Tony muttered irritably. “FRIDAY, call up the catering company. I want to speak to their manager. Now.”

“No, no, it’s okay!” Peter said quickly. “You don’t have to get anyone in trouble! I’m sure it was just an accident.”

“No, they can’t get away with this shit,” Tony argued, the feeling of righteous anger rising in him. “If they’re gonna advertise their menu as dairy-free, it better be fucking dairy-free! I mean, what if you were someone who had an actual dairy allergy instead of an intolerance?” he demanded. “Then we’d be talking about anaphylactic shock, not an upset stomach. This is serious, Peter—they have to be held responsible.”

Peter rubbed a hand at the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah, so about that...”

“What?”

“Um…I wasn’t gonna tell you, but if you’re gonna yell at someone—” Peter steeled himself with a breath. “It might not be totally their fault?”

Tony narrowed his eyes at the kid. “What did you do?”

If possible, Peter looked even more uncomfortable. “Uh… it wasn’t really me either…” He glanced up at the ceiling nervously. “I was kinda checking with FRIDAY before you got here to see what might have gone wrong and it turns out this place has two different specialized menus you can order from.”

“Right.” Tony nodded slowly. He was well aware of that. “One is dairy-free, and the other is gluten-free. I ordered off the dairy-free one.”

Peter’s stomach grumbled again and he pressed a hand to it with a wince. “Yeah, so, the two menus have pretty similar sounding stuff…”

Realization suddenly dawned on Tony. “Oh my god,” he muttered, a sick feeling coming over him. “Tell me I didn’t…”

“No no, not everything!” Peter cut in. He gave a humorless laugh. “Trust me, Mr. Stark, I would be like, on the bathroom floor, praying for god to just finish the job if that were the case.”

That image didn’t make Tony feel even remotely better. He squeezed shut his eyes and pressed his fist to them. “Which dishes did I order wrong?”

“Just um… just the cheesecake,” Peter mumbled. His stomach grumbled again. “And like, also maybe the cannolis?”

Guilt flooded through Tony. “Great. Fantastic.” He huffed out a sigh. “I fucking poisoned you.”

“No, no it was an accident!” Peter said quickly. “And it was probably my fault anyway—I should have known there was no way that gloriousness was made of tofu,” he said with a half laugh.

Tony ran a hand over his face. With all the shit he usually gave the kid about eating things he knew would make him sick, knowing that for once Tony was the reason for Peter’s current suffering made him feel terrible. “God, kid, I’m so sorry.”

“It's fine! I wasn’t even gonna tell you because I knew you’d feel bad but then you found me and…” Suddenly Peter paled and hopped off the bed. “Um, I gotta go, be right back.”

“Pete, I swear I’m gonna make this up to you,” Tony called after the kid as he headed for the en suite bathroom. “Christmas is in five days and I am an actual billionaire, so dream big kiddo!”

Peter threw a mock salute in Tony’s direction as he scurried off. Just as he got to the door, he looked back and locked eyes with his mentor. “It was really good cheesecake, Mr. Stark,” he said sincerely.

As soon as the door was shut behind him, Tony let out another sigh and muttered at the ceiling, “FRIDAY, get my Audi dealer on the phone. Tell him I’ve got a rush order.”

Read Part 4 of the Lactose Intolerant Peter series

Fic Masterlist

[killjoytrait]

🌸   :  meet the simblr

i came across @hurtsim‘s post of this and he indirectly tagged everyone reading, so: here! (i also thought it would make a good first post) rules are to share your simself, traits, aspiration, anything you want to!

i tag everyone reading that wants to do it (+ also @simending because he just followed me and i’m nothing if not excitable)

i also answered the same 125 questions that you can find below the cut

happy simming! i look forward to my new life of attempting to be a simblr

1. what is your full name? dana marie [redacted]. 2. what are your nicknames? dani, red. just call me dani. 3. birthday? july 22nd. 4. what is your favorite book series? probably the percy jackson series. it was a big part of my younger years. 5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts? both. 6. who is your favorite author? rick riordan i guess? or rainbow rowell. 7. what is your favorite radio station? i don’t really listen to the radio often enough to have one. 8. what is your favorite flavor of anything? in general i like almost chocolate anything. fruit-flavored wise my favorite is blue raspberry or strawberry. 9. what word would you often use to describe something great or wonderful? in a meme context or a more serious one? bc i’ll say that something is ‘lit af’ but i’ll also say it’s fantastic or wonderful, etc. 10. what is your current favorite song? i can’t narrow it down to one, so a few are “play it cool” by monsta x, “the eve” by exo, “killing me” by ikon, “bellyache” by billie eilish, “youngblood” by 5sos, and “high hopes” by p!atd. 11. what is your favorite word? to be honest, probably ‘fuck.’ 12. what was the last song you listened to? "promise” by ateez. 13. what tv show would you recommend for everyone to watch? avatar: the last airbender or steven universe. 14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down? spirited away. or coco. 15. do you play video games? not as often as i would like to, but heck yeah. 16. what is your biggest fear? being alone/forgotten. oh and holes. 17. what is your best quality, in your opinion? i can be funny sometimes. and my eyes are a nice color? 18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion? i can be really moody. also i’m anxious and sad like 25/7 so that’s not fun. 19. do you like cats or dogs better? cats. 20. what’s your favorite season? fall. spring would be alright, but it’s too rainy and also allergies. 21. are you in a relationship? i am, yes. 22. what is something you miss from your childhood? not having responsibilities. 23. who is your best friend? one of my first friends i made in my short college stint. (and also my ex-girlfriend) 24. what is your eye color? green. 25. what is your hair color? strawberry-blonde, ginger, whatever you call it. 26. who is someone you love? i love my handful of close friends. 27. who is someone you trust? my girlfriend. 28. who is someone you think about often? like forty different korean boys, i don’t even know. also my girlfriend. 29. are you currently excited about/for something? a convention i’m going to next month. 30. what is your biggest obsession? i don’t even know. it’s a tie between kpop and sour gummi worms. 31. what was your favorite tv show as a child? arthur! living that pbs kid life. 32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone? no one. 33. are you superstitious? i can be, yeah. 34. do you have any unusual phobias? i’m trypophobic which is kind of unusual? i probably have others that i can’t think of though. 35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? i take 99% selfies, so both. 36. what is your favorite hobby? spending hours downloading cc and constantly remaking sims instead of actually playing my game. 37. what was the last book you read? i have no idea. i haven’t been able to finish a book since high school. 38. what was the last movie you watched? i really don’t know, yikes. 39. what musical instruments do you play, if any? i can play the opening of ‘welcome to the black parade’ and that’s about it. 40. what is your favorite animal? sloths. i love sloths. 41. what are your top 5 tumblr blogs that you follow? they’re all amazing so i dunno. 42. what superpower do you wish you had? shapeshifting. 43. when and where do you feel most at peace? probably asleep. or just lowkey chilling with my friends. 44. what makes you smile? tons of things; the moon, stuffed animals, my friends, a comfy hoodie. i might be a sad bitch but i’m a smiley sad bitch. 45. what sports do you play, if any? i don’t. 46. what is your favorite drink? i only really drink water, sprite, or lemonade. 47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody? like two years ago? 48. are you afraid of heights? i’m afraid of falling. 49. what is your biggest pet peeve? customers being rude to people in the service industry. 50. have you ever been to a concert? mhm. 51. are you vegan/vegetarian? vegetarian. 52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? an artist, a pop star, or an actress. 53. what fictional world would you like to live in? ugh probably the harry potter universe but only under the conditions that i am magical and get to attend hogwarts. (based on my location i would be at ilvermorny but no thanks) 54. what is something you worry about? everything. 55. are you scared of the dark? absolutely. 56. do you like to sing? constantly. 57. have you ever skipped school? of course. 58. what is your favorite place on the planet? i’d say my room but i currently hate where i’m living so i dunno. 59. where would you like to live? a bigger city. not sure where exactly. 60. do you have any pets? i have three fish. 61. are you more of an early bird or night owl? night owl. 62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better? sunrise, even though I rarely see them. 63. do you know how to drive? not really. 64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones? earbuds. 65. have you ever had braces? no. i need them though. 66. what is your favorite genre of music? kpop isn’t technically a genre, but that. along with pop punk and alternative. 67. who is your hero? i don’t really have one that i can think of. batman? 68. do you read comic books? i used to. 69. what makes you the most angry? injustice? tons of things make me angry and that’s not a list i’m about to get into. but also terfs. 70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or a real book? it depends on how long the book is or where i’m reading. 71. what is your favorite subject in school? it was history. i’d go become a history teacher if i wasn’t so bad at college. 72. do you have any siblings? yes. 73. what was the last thing you bought? a nasa hoodie. 74. how tall are you? 5′10 or about 177cm. 75. can you cook? vaguely. 76. what are three things that you love? the sound of rain when i don’t have to be outside, being asleep, and lgbtq+ rights. 77. what are three things that you hate? going to sleep, screaming children, and biphobia. 78. do you have more female friends or male friends? female. 79. what is your sexual orientation? bisexual. 80. where do you currently live? the usa. 81. who was the last person you texted? my best fren. 82. when was the last night you cried? last night. 83. who is your favorite youtuber? probably lavendertowne. 84. do you like to take selfies? yeah. 85. what is your favorite app? probably youtube? or spotify. 86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like? my relationship with my dad is pretty good, and i don’t really have a relationship with my mom, nor do i want one. 87. what is your favorite foreign accent? um, southern brit? i also just enjoy listening to other languages even when i can’t understand them. 88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but want to visit? literally anywhere outside of the usa. i’ve never left the country. but especially rome. 89. what is your favorite number? 4, 7, and 35. 90. can you juggle? absolutely not. 91. are you religious? not really? 92. do you find outer space or the deep ocean to be more interesting? space. 93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? not really, no. 94. are you allergic to anything? i’m lactose intolerant and i get seasonal allergies. 95. can you curl your tongue? nope. 96. can you wiggle your ears? nah. 97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something? i’ll admit it when it’s a friend or when the person hasn’t made me mad. 98. do you prefer the forest or beach? the forest. i can’t stand sand. 99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you? “just, you do you, and fuck everyone else.” from my dad 100. are you a good liar? yeah. 101. what is your hogwarts house? ravenclaw. 102. do you talk to yourself? constantly. 103. are you an introvert or extrovert? ambivert, but closer to the introverted end. 104. do you keep a journal/diary? no, i’ve tried and i can never keep up with them for more than a week. 105. do you believe in second chances? depends on what they’ve done, but usually no.   106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do? turn it in. keeping it would cause me too much stress. 107. do you believe people are capable of change? once again, it depends on what they’ve done. 108. are you ticklish? sometimes? 109. have you ever been on a plane? not one that was off the ground. 110. do you have any piercings? yes, seven.  111. what fictional character do you wish was real? steve rogers. 112. do you have any tattoos? not yet, sadly. 113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far? staying alive. 114. do you believe in karma? yes. 115. do you wear glasses/contacts? yeah, my eyesight is awful. 116. do you want children? no. 117. who is the smartest person you know? i really don’t know, 118. what is your most embarrassing memory? every moment of middle school. 119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter? so many times. 120. what color are most of your clothes? black. 121. do you like adventures? i love them. 122. have you ever been on tv? i don’t think so? maybe in the background of my local news or something? 123. how old are you? twenty. 124. what is your favorite quote? “sometimes i can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives i am not living.” from extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer. 125. do you prefer sweet or savory foods? sweet!

if you actually read this far, thank you for being interested or at least bored enough to read!

TLDR: i’m a disaster bi.

(credit for the lovely traits overlay goes to @/cupidjuicecc)

[corystssides]

Roommates, Part 6

Words: 2885

Summary: “I thought you guys were trying to like each other now?”

“We are trying, it’s just...things don’t change overnight, you know?”

Warnings: Swearing, arguments, family troubles, OCs, mildly inappropriate jokes, I think that’s it but lmk as usual.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7

Logan walked into Astronomy on Wednesday already tired. He wouldn’t have thought that 8 am classes would be so exhausting, especially since his high school had always started at seven, but with calculus as the very first class of the day, it was miserable. And he still had chemistry to go. And, since he wasn’t seeing a sudden increase in his bank account that would cover the amount of his tuition this month, probably a call to his family later today as well.

“Gurl, you wouldn’t even believe--Logan, what’s up? You look like hell.”

“Good morning, Remanuel,” Logan said. He was surprised his lab partner was already here. Usually the guy showed up 30 seconds before class started.

“Listen, dude, I’m gonna have to get you to start calling me Remy, kay? I tried the full name gig for a few weeks, but I have to say, I’m not digging it.”

“Certainly, Remy,” Logan said, dropping his backpack and pulling out his notebook.

“Anyway, Char, I was at lab yesterday with Logan and we’re trying to position the scope but it’s being old and stupid, so James the TA came over to help, and afterwards we were talking about stars and shit, and he pointed at a plane, and he tried to convince me they were shooting stars! He’s like ‘oh yeah, you see those lights? Those two white ones moving together? Those are double shooting stars. Really rare. They always travel together at that same distance.’”

“You looked like you believed him for a second there,” Logan said, grinning.

“I almost did, for a second! I was like, ‘no, surely James is not trying to pull something that obvious over on me!’ But he was, and it was really funny after about two seconds of total confusion.”

“So what did you observe?” Charlotte, one of Logan’s other lab partners asked.

“We observed some cluster thing, y’know, one of the letter-number combination things. And we also observed Vega. That’s all we got though, because the lab got mobbed by a bunch of 101 students who needed moon observations, so we left.”

“Wait, what did you observe?” And there was Alex, their final lab partner.

Remy repeated what he’d just said, then added, “Logan’s got the papers. He seems less likely to lose them than me.”

“Sounds good,” Alex said. “Charlotte and I can start on the report then, since you guys did observations.”

“Do you want the papers?” Logan asked him, pulling the sheets out of his backpack.

“Sure. I’ll scan them and make a group folder on Google for them, sound good? That way we can all access them, and if we lose them we can just print another.”

“That is a genius idea, Alex,” Remy said. “Oh, and, off-topic, but do you pals wanna hang out on Friday? I’m going to a little music show downtown with my partner and some other friends, super cheap, like ten bucks, it’s this local band called The Cosmic Brownies.”

“I’m working, sorry,” Alex said.

“You’re always working,” Remy said. “It’s at eight.”

Alex shrugged. “I’m working until eleven.”

“I’m going home this weekend,” Charlotte said.

“To see your lizard?” Remy asked.

“Hell yes,” Charlotte said.

“What about you, Logan? You gonna join my squad on Friday?”

“Sure,” Logan said. “Where’s it at?”

“Easier question: where do you live? I’ll just pick you up on Friday.”

“Sanders Hall.”

“Great,” Remy said, pulling out his phone. “Wear like, casual clothes, like t-shirt and jeans probably. And contacts if you have them. And earplugs.”

“Why would I need contacts and earplugs?”

“It’s gonna be loud. Don’t worry, you’ll still be able to hear the music. And you might wanna mosh, I dunno, so bring contacts if you have them so you don’t have to worry about getting your glasses knocked off.”

“Okay, class, good morning!” the professor said, walking in. And on that note, Astronomy began.

~

After Astronomy, Logan headed over to the dining hall on that side of campus. It’s full name was Home Cook’t, but everyone just called it Homes. He got in line after putting his backpack in one of the storage cubbies, and saw that Virgil was already way up in front. He glanced over the rest of the line. No sign of Patton yet, which meant that he’d probably gone back to the dorms after his 8 am instead of the library today.

Patton, Virgil, and Logan had all started eating lunch together on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays about a week ago, once they finally compared schedules and realized they all had an hour of free time from 11-12 on those days. Virgil and Logan were already on that side of campus at 11, while Patton had class at 12:20, so he came over for lunch and then went to class. Roman joined them once, but since all his MWF classes were in Stoker--on the same side of campus as Sanders--he usually didn’t feel like walking all the way across campus to Homes, and instead ate at Talon Hall with theatre friends and then did homework at the dorms for a bit before returning to Stoker.

Once Logan had gone through the food lines and gotten a hamburger, some salad, a soda, and some cookies, he scanned the dining hall for Virgil. He spotted him at one of the tables by the windows, and walked over. Virgil barely glanced up and said hello. His focus was on his phone and whatever he was furiously typing at.

“What’re you doing?” Logan asked.

“Chem quiz.”

“You haven’t done that yet?” Logan asked.

Virgil flipped him off without taking his eyes off the screen. Logan rolled his eyes but stayed quiet, letting Virgil concentrate. While he waited, he tried to plan what, exactly, he’d say to his parents when the phone call inevitably came. And what he’d say if they told him that they weren’t going to pay their agreed part of the tuition anymore. And what he’d say if they told him that he was a miserable excuse for a son and they never wanted to see him again.

Then he realized he was catastrophizing, and tried to quit that line of thinking. It was illogical to be thinking like that. No doubt Dad had just forgotten that it was Wednesday and he had to transfer the money to Logan’s account today. Nothing to worry about at all.

Virgil finished his quiz about five minutes later, less than 30 seconds before Patton showed up.

“Hey guys!” Patton said, plopping down with some pizza and french fries.

“Hey Pat,” Virgil said, slipping his phone into his pocket. Logan waved, not wanting to talk with food in his mouth.

“So Makayla just texted me, and she and Jenny aren’t going to make it,” Patton said. It’s just going to be the four of us tonight.”

“Whose dorm, then?” Logan asked.

“Depends. How clean is your guys’ dorm?” Patton asked.

“Spotless,” Virgil said. “Logan can’t stand anything less.”

“I’m not the one who was sweeping at two a.m. this morning,” Logan said.

“Yeah, but you would be the one who complained after stepping on popcorn when you got up.”

“Let’s do your guys’ dorm then,” Patton said. “Roman’s working on a project right now that’s kind of taken over the dorm, and it would be a project in itself just to clean it up.”

“Sounds good,” Virgil said. “I have Risk, so we could play that.”

“I brought Monopoly from home,” Patton said, grinning. “We can switch games then, if one gets too heated.”

Logan nodded. That would be a better idea than trying to stick to one game or calling the night off.

“My moms also sent over some tofu loaf, so as long as neither of you are allergic to soy, you guys get to experience my mother’s cooking, which, by the way, is the bomb!”

“Neither of us are allergic to soy,” Logan said. “Virgil’s lactose intolerant, though.”

“It’s not super severe, but straight-up milk will mess me up. Cheese is usually okay as long as I don’t have too much. So like, I can still eat a slice of pizza usually,” Virgil said. “How do you even know that? I don’t think I’ve ever told you that.”

“You told me in one of the first few emails we sent each other, after I asked if there were any dietary restrictions I should be aware of,” Logan said.

“I don’t remember that at all,” Virgil said, pulling out his phone to see if he really had emailed that at one point.

“It was one of the emails that had fifty or so questions in it, so it’s unlikely you would remember everything I asked,” Logan said.

“I’ll be sure to remember that, Virgil,” Patton said. “I’d feel terrible if I got you sick. On that note, though, are you allergic to anything Logan?”

“I have seasonal allergies, but I don’t have any food allergies, no.”

“I remember this email now,” Virgil muttered. “I forgot about the food question because the most memorable part of this email was me freaking out because I misinterpreted the question where you asked if I wanted the top bunk or the bottom bunk.”

Logan made a noise of amusement into his soda. Patton looked confused. “How do you misinterpret a question like that?” he asked.

“Uh, don’t worry about it, Pat,” Virgil said, as Logan actually started cracking up.

“No, I want to understand the joke! Tell me!” Patton said

“Don’t think about it as asking about bunks,” Virgil said.

“Top or bottom...not bunks? I don’t under--ooohhh,” Patton said, earning a fresh set of snickers from Logan. “Okay. I get it now.”

“Immature humor at its finest,” Virgil said drily. “Hey, what are you guys doing on Friday night?”

“I’m going on a date, why?” Patton asked.

“I’m looking for an excuse to get out of going home this weekend,” Virgil said. “Dad doesn’t work Saturday, so if I can’t go home Friday I’m set.”

“Just tell them you have too much homework,” Logan said.

“That doesn’t work on them. They just tell me to bring it with me.”

“Why don’t you want to go home?” Patton asked.

“I just want to relax on the weekend, you know? But since I’m not at home during the week, everyone in the house wants to hang out to an excessive degree and then I come back even more tired than I was.”

“Have you actually had a relaxing weekend at the dorm yet?” Logan asked.

“Shut up Logan,” Virgil said, with almost no bite to it. “What are you doing Friday?”

“Do you want me to shut up or do you want me to answer the question?”

“You know, actually I changed my mind. I think I’ll just go home instead,” Virgil said.

“I’m going to a concert with a lab partner and some of his friends,” Logan said, deciding that Virgil wanted him to answer the question instead of shut up. “It’s the, uh, Cosmic Brownies?”

Virgil gave him a look of disbelief. “Why?” he asked.

“Because I was invited?” Logan said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, but Cosmic Brownies is like, the least ‘Logan Pensive’ style of music on this earth. Why would you even want to go?”

“So you’ve heard their music before? What style is it?”

“It’s shitty, tuneless, loud, punk rock kinda stuff. I had an ex who really liked it, trust me, it’s not your style of music.”

Logan shrugged. “I may not enjoy the music, but usually outings with friends are more about the friends than the outing.”

“You have friends? Wild,” Virgil said.

“I’m just as surprised that you’ve managed to have an ex,” Logan said.

“Wow,” Patton said. “You guys are mean today.”

Both Logan and Virgil paused for a moment. “You’re right, Patton, my apologies,” Logan said.

“We’re just tired, and that makes us both bitchy,” Virgil said.

“We shouldn’t let that affect our interactions though,” Logan said. “Maybe we should move to a different topic. Uhh, your date on Friday, maybe?”

Patton laughed. “That’s a very smooth transition, Logan.”

Logan scowled, feeling that he was being made fun of. “So who is this date of yours?” he asked.

“Tinder date. Hopefully not an axe murderer or something. We’ve been talking for about a week now.”

“You’re using a dating app?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah? How else would I be looking for love?”

“Join a club and pine hopelessly after someone nice looking until they notice?”

Patton laughed again. “Oh come on Virgil, this isn’t fanfiction. If you want love, you have to seek it out yourself.”

“Hm, have to agree with Patton on that,” Logan said. “It’s unreasonable to put the responsibility for noticing attraction on the other person. Best to be upfront about it.”

“Have you ever actually dated someone, Logan?” Virgil asked disbelievingly.

“Yes, I have!” Logan snapped. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m not really in a good mood for socializing. I think I’m going to go back to the dorm and take a nap or something until we have to go to chemistry.” He pushed back his chair and grabbed his tray.

“Are you going to be alright for game night?” Patton asked.

“I don’t know. We’ll see. I’ll see you later.” And with that, Logan left.

There were a few moments of silence where Virgil and Patton just ate their lunch. Finally, Patton asked, “So what’s going on with Logan?”

“He’s just bitchy,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes. “He needs like a billion hours of sleep and to be in bed by 10 pm and total darkness and no roommates trying to do their homework.”

“I thought you guys were trying to like each other now?”

“We are trying, it’s just...things don’t change overnight, you know?”

Patton frowned. “Well, I suppose so,” he said. Then, he thought of something. “Maybe you should get him one of those mask things for sleeping. That way he can have his total darkness and you can do your homework.”

“Ha!” Virgil said. “He’d probably take that as some kind of insult.”

“Maybe I’ll buy him one of those mask things for sleeping,” Patton said, grinning. “Then he’ll see it as just a gift.”

“I don’t know about that,” Virgil said. Patton was already pulling out his phone and looking up different masks. Virgil made a note of amusement. Patton was just so determined to make them get along.

“Do you think we should play Risk or Monopoly first?” Patton asked, scrolling.

“Probably Monopoly. We don’t want to end the night by ruining friendships.”

Patton laughed at that, and Virgil grinned.

~

When Roman got to the dorm, he thought Chemistry must have been cancelled, because he could hear Logan arguing, and who else would he be arguing with besides Virgil? Not wanting to miss this newest development in Roommates-not-Friends-ville, Roman quickly unlocked his door and slid into his dorm.

Logan was loud enough that Roman could hear his exact tone, but not quite loud enough to be clear. What was clear, though, is that he couldn’t hear anything from Virgil, and he doubted that Virgil would just stand pretty and let Logan yell at him. Roman really shouldn’t eavesdrop, but he was so darn curious. If it wasn’t Virgil that Logan was mad at, who could it possibly be? Logan always seemed pretty calm when it came to anyone else. Shoot, he was even pretty calm around Virgil. Roman didn’t think he’d ever heard Logan sound this angry.

He grabbed the plastic cup that was holding his pencils, shook the pencils out, and put it up to the wall to listen.

“--so was there an actual reason you called, or do you just want to complain about me?”

Muffled voice from the phone.

“Yeah, I figured. Somehow money’s always tight when it comes to the things I want to do, isn’t it? By the way, did you get that new Smith and Remington or whatever that you were talking about this weekend?”

Logan’s voice was very bitter, and very cold. The voice on the other end was outraged, but Roman still couldn’t make out what it was saying.

“I’m literally in training to be a scientist, and that’s still not enough for you! That’s what! God damn, a little support would be nice once in a while! But no, you and Mom are so miserable that you can’t see anyone else being happy or successful, and you have to ruin it for the rest of us!”

Oh shit, this was family issues. Yikes.

“Well maybe I don’t want to go to Thanksgiving either! Jesus Christ!”

Definite anger on the other side, though this time much quieter.

“Yeah yeah, I’m the family disappointment, absolutely shameful that we actually get a Pensive with thoughts of his own. Whatever. I have class. Say hi to Mom. Or don’t. I don’t care.”

There was silence for a moment, and then a quiet “Fuck.” Then it was followed by several more strings of swears that were angry and regretful all at once. Then there was some shuffling and a door shutting, which was presumably Logan getting on his not-so-merry way to class.

Something told Roman that game night was going to be a stressful event.

~

Next

[the-mf-bread-babies]

20/6/20

× REBUILD III ×

+ RUNAWAY RENEGADES +

[ COLLECTION I ]

“backstories”

∆ VOLUME TWO ∆

“Odd Beginnings”

· PART ONE ·

———————————————————

CHAPTER ONE

DINER DATE

It was a rainy night. The clock inside the diner probably hadn't been fixed in decades, which only made time pass more slower for Jason. Jason Aronowitz Watanabe, 16 years old, was waiting for his first date to arrive at the restaurant. His mother and father were sitting in front of him, eagerly awaiting for her too. Among all the excuses the two had speculated, the son had grown tired and realized that maybe he didn't want to do this in the first place.

Jason stared at the unmoving clock, the sound of rain pattering filling his ears. God, it would be such a good time to sleep right now. “Honey, she's probably stuck in traffic,” said Judy, his mother. She spent hours to do her hair, makeup, and outfit. This might have been her son's date, but her and her husband's was going to take place as soon as the girl had arrived, and it was ten times more grand than Jason's. They had a reservation at Chili's.

Hisashi Watanabe, Jason's father, kept his eyes focused on the road outside. Maybe this was her. No, then that one. Also no. Well, hopefully Jason's not getting pranked or whatever. Oh, that's a cool truck. Bye, cool truck. Damn, that reservation's probably busted by now. So long, paradise pie. Two hours to get here and both dates are probably cancelled by now. Jason looks sad. Actually, he always does, it's understandable, but this time's sadder than usual.

“Jason, look outside!” The father whispered excitedly, pointing out the window. “Whatever. I wanna go home.” Jason grumbled angrily, his voice slightly cracking either from crying or just puberty. “Sorry, just… a limo,” Hisashi uttered quietly. “We can order something if you want,” Judy suggested, awkwardly smiling, her big sunglasses shielding the intense mix of emotions she was feeling– anger, disappointment, sadness. Also, hunger.

“Mm,” Jason replied cryptically. “Waiter! Can I get a menu, please?” Judy yelled out, startling the two men. She ordered something, her voice being reduced to mumbles by Jason zoning out, eyes fixated on the table. “Sweetie, do you want a milkshake? They have cookies and cream,” His mother asked, gaining back his attention. “Um, okay, sure.” Jason answered, giving his mother and the waiter a polite smile. “Thank you.” He went back to zoning out.

His parents were having a conversation about something unimportant, and the restaurant was awfully ambient. There was a jukebox, but that, too, was broken. This seemed like an appropriate situation for the boy to get distracted from everything and daydream. Damn, it would be so cool if he could play the drums. Ah, to be a transformer. Imagine going to have a heart transplant surgery, and Gerard says, “Babe, it's okay,” and then when it's done you ask the nurse who gave you the heart and she replies, “Frank Iero,” and you and the other three remaining members go get pizza or whatever. Poor Frank. Was that a bell ringing. Oh, to be a lamb in a field, eating grass. Ew, imagine eating grass…

HELLO.

A shadowy figure towered over Jason threateningly, katakana surrounding her. Who the hell is this?

“Do you need money?” Judy asked quietly, counting some dollar bills, thinking this was some random person. “Yeah!” She shouted excitedly. “Gimme five hundred thousand dollars, stat!” Jason's face turned to the girl. Her shirt read “TACO,” with an image of a cartoon taco below it. Cloaking the ugly t-shirt was a blue jacket that seemed quite old and vintage. Well, at least her outfit is matching. “Um… are you…” he asked the girl.

“Your date for tonight, partner!” Oh, she has braces. Yeah, seemed like a braces person. “Awesome! Now you two don't do any funny business, okay?” Jason's dad stated, pointing. “Dad, what.” “Well, off to visit your mother!” He added, his arm around Judy, the two scooting out of the seat to make room for the girl. “Cool! Your dad knows TF2?” The girl said, her face sparking up in joy. “I was an animator for the shorts,” Hisashi revealed, much to the girl's excitement. “HOLY SHIT!!! CAN I GET AN AUTOGRAPH?!” She yelled out, turning the heads of some people in the diner. “Sure thing,” he answered, signing a napkin. “Okay, bye, you two,”

Jason's eyes met the girl's, realising he forgot what her name was. Um… well, her brother's a senior, right? Tony… Tony Blenderson… Bender… Flanders… Uh… “Hi! You're Jason, right? From History?” She asked, raising his fear more. How did he even agree to this in the first place? Oh, right, their moms are friends. “Um, yeah, and you're…” Oh God. Grave mistake. “Man, I don't know! Most people just call me by my last name. First names are boring, you get me?” She confessed, calming him down slightly. “Oh, uh… yeah! Uh, so I can call you…” “Anytime!” She added confidently. “Huh?” Jason said, confused. “Henderson, man! Hendersonville is actually an actual place, by the way! Could you BELIEVE IT?!” Jason awkwardly agreed, not knowing what to do. “Yeah… like Disneyland or something…”

The conversation went on, with the occasional text from Jason's parents. “So then I was all like, I know karate, you dumbass,” she started, Jason trying his best to understand what the hell she was talking about. “And this stupid little goat starts headbutting me, and I'm bleeding and stuff, obviously, keep in mind I had a hamburger, that's important, okay,” The boy nodded his head along. “So, yeah, that was how gender equality is. Yeah, zoos are dumb, they're bad,” “Yeah, like, it's not good for them and stuff,” Jason said, finally having some material for the conversation.

He paused for a bit, unsure if the other was going to add anything. “So, uh, what do you do? Like, um, in general, yeah,” he asked, sipping his milkshake. “Kill people.” She blurted. “Okay. I like collecting stamps.” He replied jokingly. “HAH! God, what a riot you are! Oh boy, STAMPS!!!” Henderson laughed exaggeratedly, thinking it sounded natural, and possibly cute. “Yeah…?” “Yeah, not real people, but like, I play video games a lot. You ever play Slime Rancher? I've got six thousand days on that guy.” She confessed seriously, crossing her arms. “Also, used to play Overwatch, but that was so last rebuild. Now, in this one, I prefer Garden Warfare. You know, the FPS Plants vs. Zombies game?” She casually added, Jason sending his usual confused nodding and raised eyebrows with a slightly opened mouth as a reply.

Jason thought for a bit. “I play Apex,” He said disappointedly. “Oh, didn't it end because of that big rapper guy? Marshmello? Yeah. Sorry, dude.” Henderson comforted. “Um. I guess?” Jason ate the Oreo on top of the milkshake. “Yeah, and I also listen to emo stuff. I was born in the wrong generation.” He said, stirring the drink. “Oh, like PSY? Yeah, my old neighbor listened to him.” .. huh. “Um… yeah, and like, MGR and stuff…” “Cool! What's that stand for, again? My cousin listens to Chaos! in the Gathering, Nuclear Lad, thirty three tailors, so I know emo.” Henderson bragged. “Oh, it stands for My Geological Rocks! It's because they're pretty rock, and one of them saw this book where the title was ‘Geological Rocks’ or whatever, so they named the band that.” He explained truthfully. “ Oh ! That's Dumb ! ” She blatantly said, her hand loosely swinging a spoon.

“Oh, shit, you don't have food. Um, do you want some?” Jason realized, offering Henderson the scraps of his milkshake. “Nope! Lactose intolerance, baby!” She confessed, a hint of sadness present in her face. “Oh. Sorry,” He said as he slurped up the remains quite loudly. “Should I ask them for a menu?” Jason asked, clearly not wanting to do so. “I ate a toasted toast sandwich earlier, so I'm not really hungry.” “A toasted toast sandwich is a piece of toast slotted between two other pieces of toasted bread. With butter spread on some of them.” Henderson explained in detail. “Is it good?” Jason asked fearfully. “Duh,” she said. “Oh, okay,”

The two sat in silence. The room was quiet, even the chattering of the other customers were gone. Henderson waited patiently for a waiter to come by, her face staring at the table. “That's a weird stain.” She uttered, poking hesitantly at it. “Probably tea.” Jason added, looking at the stain. “Yeah,” Henderson agreed, resting her head on the table. They stared at the stain for some time. “So, uh, you like Jar-Jar’s Odd Journey?” Henderson asked, looking up at the other. “No, I don't watch anime,” he replied, prying at the stain with his fingernail. “Oh, okay. But like, do you like Jar-Jar’s?” Jason paused, looking at her and squinting his eyes, thinking what she was meaning to hint, then slowly realising it. “Well, do you like Power Princesses? With the cat lady and the other lady?” He asked slyly, smiling from ear to ear. “Yeah… literally and…” Henderson inspected Jason's jeans. “metaphorically… you know…” Jason inspected hers too. They both cuffed them, even though Henderson's were already a good length, now a bit too short, resulting in a very prominent hint. “So yes, I do watch Jar-Jar, then,” he replied. They nodded, smiling in Mystery.

“So, why'd you even agree to this?” Jason asked, facing her. “I dunno. Felt rebellious to steal my sister's date, I guess.” Jason leaned back in his seat, blinking interestedly. “So, if it weren't for you meddling fool, I would've gone on a date with a CRSCO girl, huh?” “Sksksksks and I oop,” Jason questioned dramatically. “Yes. That's actually why I'm late; I drove here by myself.” Henderson confessed, smirking. “And I knew I wouldn't like this date if it was at some fancy restaurant, so I picked somewhere I could eat, hence why the location is so unsuitable.” “The distance, especially. That was so my family couldn't track me down.” “As if they'd care.” Henderson folded her hands together on the table and put her head down and stared at them, her hair swinging dramatically in front of her.

“Well that's bad. And bad… ass,” Jake stated, tilting his head awkwardly. “Like, your family, that's bad, like, your brother's a… he's not nice, necessarily, but you stealing a date from your sister and driving to some random-ass diner in the middle of nowhere, that's some Gone Girl shit.” he explained, eyes burning with awe.

“I mean, I've had some friends from band that met your sister, and from what I've heard, and I'm sorry for being nosy, but, I mean, it really justifies this whole… thing. So, uh, yeah. Sorry,” Jason continued as Henderson moved her Orbs to meet his.

“So, how'd it feel to set her room on fire? Were the firefighters and shit? Again, sorry for being nosy.” Jason asked casually, doing his first attempt at the three-paragraph thing. Henderson giggled uncontrollably, wiping tears off of her Orbs. “Wha– FIRE?! Who told you that? I only just threw some of her stuff out the window, but SETTING IT ON FIRE WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN, JASON!!” Jason sat up, stammering in response. “B-But, um, like, uh, Tristan, from band, the school band, said that– you, uh, like, it was midnight, and he woke up because of all the sirens, and– yeah.” Jason explained, his voice nervously loud, and his hands gesturing wildly. “Oh!” she yelled out, remembering the experience.

“That was the time I tried modifying the hell outta french fries and I set the kitchen on fire! Like, I was pouring the fries in, then the fire just shot up, like, ten feet, and my hair almost caught on fire, the smoke alarm was ringing, it was hell, man, hell,” Henderson explained excitedly. “So, yeah, someone called the fire station, next thing I know, I'm getting yelled at severely, and I can't play video games or go on my phone for three weeks!” Jason nodded in awe. “How did you… mod… fries?” He asked in confusion, rubbing his chin. “Oh, I put olive oil, safflower oil, cooking oil, and corn oil, also I used a flat frying pan, put in two brands of fries, made sure it wasn't overcrowded, also put a thick layer of seasoning on the pan and I folded it like scrambled eggs.”

“So yeah, a literal recipe for disaster. Never doing that again.” Henderson stated, although she was most definitely going to make the same mistake in a few years with Rachel. “Ah. I see. Why the flat frying pan?” Jason asked. “Oh, the other pans were in the sink and I was lazy.” She replied, making a disappointed face. “also i'm pretty sure that it caused the oil to like. yknow. vooooshhhhh” Henderson added, sinking her face into her hands.

Jason thought of a more embarrassing moment. “Wanna know that time I went to the ER because I was too goth?” “Wait, two times! One, I ate black lipstick, the other, I got choked by a…” Jason sunk his head down. “homemade e-boy necklace…” Henderson cackled loudly, slapping the table. “How the hell do you get choked by that?!” Jason pursed his lips sadly. “I was wearing the necklace first and put it on backwards, big mistake, it had a really heavy padlock, then my binder, which was way too tight, so it was choking me, but I was wearing my turtleneck, and my arms were stuck, so I just smacked the dresser violently.” “And that's how I came out to my parents.” Jason said, smirking and crossing his arms together. “Thankfully, they let me buy a better one that didn't, like, kill me.” He added.

Henderson's jaw was hanging open in surprise. “You're trans too?!” Jason pogged in response, “TOO?!” The two shared a very intense and complicated series of high-fives and fistbumps, screaming in joy. “Man, so this is why you stole that dumbass’ date!” “Solidarity!” Jason stated, smiling. “Thanks for saving me, uh…” He paused, waiting for a confirmation. “Uh… I dunno. Girl?” Henderson replied, shrugging. “Girl! I am Dude!” Jason shouted, giving her a thumbs-up. “Cool! Hi Dude!” She yelled out, earning a very strong high-five from Jason. “Hell Yeah !!!!!!!!”

“Man, you want something to celebrate? This shit's nice as hell.” Jason asked, visibly in a better mood than before. “To hell with it! Cheesy Frickin’ Fries for the lady!” Henderson shouted in joy. “And for the man?” Jason thought for a bit. “Truck” he uttered, giving her an emotional gaze. Get it? Gaze? “Ah, okay. Truck it is, then,” Henderson confirmed before raising her head to get the waiter's attention.

“Waiter ain't here. Should I? Go to the counter?” She asked, pointing to the front of the diner. Jason nodded in response. Henderson approached the counter, her hands in her pockets, her eyes looking around. There was not a single person to be seen, the pies sitting on the rack softly, asking to be stolen and devoured. “Be… do…” she whispered softly, her hand reaching to the pies, only to be stopped by the other one. Disappointed, she went back to Jason, frowning.

“God hates us.” She uttered, her head pointing up. “No one at the counter, no one near the entrance, so no friggin’ cheese fries.” She grumbled, “Drove five friggin’ hours in the friggin’ rain just for this dumbass shit. Can't even have the friggin’ pies, that's illegal,” Jason looked at her sadly. “Hey, it's okay, I brought snacks,” He pulled out a packet of chips from his hoodie pocket. “Here's the fries…” Jason placed a slightly melted cheese slice onto the table. “And here's the cheese!” “Hipster, innit? All deconstructed an’ stuff,” He said happily, swinging his arm a la Grunkle Stan.

“What a gentleman. Thank you, Jarnathan Jarstar, my brother,” Henderson said gratefully, unwrapping the cheese slice packet. “Good job, uh, Catra,” Jason commented, opening the chips packet. As they dined happily, a tall, scary figure approached them slowly and murderously.

“Ya can't bring outside food in here.”

“It's against the rules, kiddos.”

“Might getcha banned fer life if yer not careful enough.”

“Aah!!” Jason screamed quietly. The figure revealed itself under the illumination of the ceiling lights— a man, presumably middle-aged, dressed in a cheap chicken costume, donning a knight helmet. “You wouldn't make the cut. Ya just wouldn't.” The man uttered cryptically, confusing the two. Was this weirdo the mascot or just some guy? “I have pepper spray, creep.” Henderson threatened, pointing the self-defence tool at the costumed man. “Like that'll do anythin’.” He pointed out, glaring at the girl.

In response, Jason pushed the man, Henderson following suit by vigorously kicking the life out of him. Blood oozed out of the now-stained costume as he begged for help, trying his best to explain the current situation. “Stop! Please stop!” He yelled out, only for the helmet to be removed by Henderson, who was ready to punch the hell outta him.

Some balding white guy sporting bad facial hair had been the culprit all along. Jason pulled the remains of his hair and threw him to the floor, yelling. Out of the blue, a group of people showed up, coming to the rescue and pulling them apart from each other. “Whose idea was to be threatening again?!” The man in the chicken costume yelled out, clearly angry at all of them. “Run!” Henderson shouted, grabbing the snacks and dragging Jason out of the diner, only to be chased down by the others.

“Who the hell was that guy?!” Jason yelled, running. “I may be weird, but I definitely don't know that guy, and definitely not enough for him to just show up like that!” Henderson shouted back, confused. “Guess it's some weird kidnapper, then? Or a really odd mascot.” Jason said, dashing around the street corner. “Probably!” Henderson ran past Jason. “Hey, wait up! I was kicked outta the track team for a reason, Henderson!” The boy yelled, running out of breath. The girl went back to him, feeling a bit guilty.

“I, uh, have asthma.” Jason said, pulling out his inhaler. “Oh, um, I'm, uh, really, really, sorry.” Henderson nervously apologized, her mind wondering what would happen if Jason died right then and there. Oh, she'd definitely have to go to court. Maybe it'll be like Legally Blonde. Jason stood back up, gesturing to Henderson to keep going. “Hey, I'm okay, go ahead.” “You can leave me here if you want. Death isn't a big concern for me; I'll meet all the MGR members, then when I go to hell I can punch Brendon Urie in the face…” Jason struggled out. “… because he's like, racist,” “Bob Bryar too, man,” Henderson nodded slowly, not knowing what the hell kinda emo thing he was referencing.

Jason looked behind Henderson, surprised. “Hhhh… they're not killing us…” he tried out, pointing to her back. “Oh, hey, yeah. Let's go hide somewhere.” Henderson suggested, looking around for a good shelter. “I'm gonna tell this to my parents first…” Jason said, moving down to sit on the ground. “Oh, man. There's no reception here.” He revealed, getting more and more scared with every second they stayed there, the possibility of them being caught and killed or whatever growing steadily.

“I mean, we are in Ohio, Jason. There's a bigger chance of us stumbling into a big-ass cornfield than us getting reception in some super rural town like this.” Henderson sighed. “This place is called Van Wert, Jay. How friggin’ hillbilly is that? Van Wurrrtt, yee-haw,” She commented angrily. Jason took a deep breath and stood back up, scanning the horizon.

“Well, hard to find a place where we won't get shot immediately when entering, especially at this hour. I mean, gun store, bar, creepy pharmacy, another gun store, mom and pop, mom and pop's gun store, shooting range, farmer's market, café (with a rifle under the counter), barbershop, ranch–” Henderson smiled from ear to ear as she heard what Jason just said. “RANCH?! WITH HORSES?!”

tob e fucketh continue

a uhhh Notes by Rocco Wulfram North

oh that names so epic omg