#I hate drawing with references but chronic shaking hands said no to do the job

[dual-domination]

Beloved 30s boys Luo Fusheng x Luo Fei, for the series 30s Jazz and Old-Fashioned Love

The Unhinged Team 's works - mine and @tazzy-ace this time. 💙

[meetnombre]

I promised myself that would keep this blog sfw. That I would fill it full of things that would make many other people happy and to help them escape from the outside world. It was supposed to be my little corner of the web that would be free from real world politics. I guess, today is finally that time where I have to break that promise.

The whole thing started just as Hasbro released the last episode of the first season of My Little Pony. I discovered it all at once when I marathoned through the first season. For 6 months afterwards, I have been following the pony fandom with a passion, but from a distance. Checking out other peoples art, lurking in forums, sending anon messages to other people’s tumblrs. That kind of stuff. (what can I say? To this day, I am still a bit of a social outcast)

It wasnt until one fateful day when I came across a certain someone’s tumblr blog through another person’s livestream. Not gonna mention any names (SilverBlaze! XD), but anyways! It was through this person’s tumblr that I was encouraged very strongly to introduce myself to someone from the fandom for the very first time. What pretty much happened was that I whacked this awesome guy an anonymous donation through his paypal associated with his new tumblr. What immediately happened afterwards was that his OC absolutely freaked out. Maybe I shouldnt have anonymously sent the post: “Here! Have a bag of free money!” as an anon...oh well XP This person helped me to muster the courage to create an online identity that I could use to interact with the fandom a lot better. He drew me my very own pony! (I still remember the livestream, where Silver started drawing “nombre” without a reference…remember the “meet nombre” image that used to be at the top of my tumblr? That was a modified screenshot of what Silver actually drew for me XD. He then scribbled it out, and began drawing my very own nombre! He asked me if I wanted nombre to be a boy or a girl, as he already started to draw long eyelashes for nombre. I was like “Nombre is a boy! NOMBRE IS A BOY!”, and he quickly removed the eyelashes after that X) ). I eventually took my brand new oc, created my very own tumblr…but then decided to wait until a better time to reveal my tumblr, as I kind of accidentally got Heart Lift, Sparks, and Toast Lift to swap bodies on purpose XP

But yeah! Finally went public with my tumblr, and eventually met someone else (Kappa! XP). I visited quite a few of her livestreams (when silver wasnt streaming, obviously XP), and we just…talked. We caught up with each other so much…we really gotta catch up with each other some more. But what happenned eventually was that Kappa invited me to a group chat where Silver and so many other awesome people got to hang out with each other. I met so many idols of my time and so many new faces, all of which soon became mutual friends. I literally felt like one of the richest people on the planet. I even met someone (Andie!), who soon became my girlfriend!

I still remember bits and pieces of the first group voice chat that I had with this group. One of the guys first impressions was “Is this guy serious?” (Kaipo XP), and “I’m more concerned that this guy works with live explosives for a living” (Rainboom XD)

It didnt last forever. Nothing lasts forever. One of my close friends from that group was forced to leave because he kept on getting anonymous hate from someone else. He didnt know who it was, so he was about at that stage where he was going to shut himself off from ‘everyone’. Good job anon! Good job! *slow clap*

I remember very well the time when that group that helped me with my depression got themselves a new certain member. Things were all good for a while…until that certain member made a techno remix, and asked the group as to what they thought of it. The problem was the title that he chose for it, as it was completely unrelated to the music itself, completely unnecessary, and pretty offensive to a lot of people (I’m pretty sure it was something like “Retarded Austistics” or “Autistic Retards” or something simular…..yeah…). That person was eventually removed from the group, but there was a bit of mayhem in the process, as ‘every single member of the group had moderator powers’. The incident served as a wakeup call to the group, so what happenned was that everyone was disbanded from the old group, and a new group was established…

…but here’s the thing. Not everyone was allowed into the new group. There was one person, who apparently the slim majority at the time decided that they didnt want in the new group. A lot of dramas happened since this event, but this particular separation in my opinion was a pretty big deal, as she was kind of a big part of the group at the time, and a big part of my life.

So! The one big group of people who meant so much to me ended up splitting into 2 separate groups. I stayed silent about the whole thing since then, hoping that someday maybe everyone will let bygones be bygones, because we were all friends once. Instead the opposite happened. Years later, a lot of people started forgetting each other. I could have been more proactive at the time to try and preserve what we all had, but I was worried about hurting someone in the process. I didnt know what to do.

My girlfriend broke up with me, and it was pretty much my fault. After being together for 3 months, she approached me and said that she needed some time apart...and I absolutely flipped my shit. I ended up saying a ‘lot’ of stupid shit that sent her into an absolute chronic panic attack. This drove her to the point where she told me straight up that I was no different from any of the other horrible people in her life. I felt like a real asshole when she said that. I said a lot of things that I shouldnt have said that day.

I was very fortunate to still have her as a friend after all of that. ‘Very’ fortunate.

It was about 3 months after this however that she decided to close her tumblr and delete her skype. She told me that she found happiness outside of this world that she built up. Over 2 years passed since she sent me that post, 2 years that she went missing. That’s long enough to legally declare anyone dead (not kidding either. After all of the low’s that she had been through, my mind was really starting to wonder into some pretty dark places as to what might have happened to her. I was so scared). But everything was okay! I actually got a message from her after all of those years from her telling me that she was doing very well and has settled down with someone else.

All I wanted was the best for her and for her to be happy. Nothing has changed. Even if is with someone else, I dont care. She ‘is’ happy, and she ‘is’ doing what is best for her, and thats all that matters. Hell, I’d approach this guy and shake his hand if it wasn’t for the fact that it would probably make things awkward for everyone XD

But as for me, I’m stuck. I dont really know what to do with myself anymore. When you give someone your heart and things dont work out, most people would get over it. Most people would have found a rebound relationship right now or something, but I guess I’m just not like most people. It’s not just because of my past, but its also because of my toxic present and future. I work in a workplace that can be pretty toxic at times. It’s like, you go back to work after your rostered days off to be meeted by ‘many’ old fashioned people who ask you inappropriate questions like “Hey Nombre! Did you get a root on break?” or “Hey Nombre! You should go get a hooker! You might like it!” over and over because they think its funny to do so, it just puts me off so much. I’m fine as I am! I dont mind being single, even if its for the rest of my life...but there are a lot of people out there who think its okay to treat other people like shit because they are ‘different’, when in reality, my workplace is full of old dirty perverts.

Meanwhile, I’m hardly ever online anymore. Every time I do manage to return to eavesdrop on everyone, it feels like everyone is just becoming more and more isolated from each other. I saw a post on ‘that’ group from someone who said that they wondered what I was up to, to which someone else replied that I pretty much only use tumblr now...and that really hurt me a lot. I cant blame them for thinking that way though, given that I hardly appear anymore. I deserved that.

Every time I look into my tumblrs past posts, I always have dramas. This was supposed to be a place of fun, but because the peak of my tumblr career involved the misadventures between myself and my ex and a certain red horse, looking back always brings up a lot of repressed memories.

I dont want to quit tumblr. But at the same time, I dont want to keep going. I dont know what to do. I really wish that things could have been like they were back in the first quarter of 2013. I liked that.

Over 5 years since then, and I dont know how to move on. I really dont.

[mybigstupidtumblerg-blog]

Why Dan, Phil, PJ, and Chris are the Most Underrated Creators

Before I begin, let me just state that this is in no way meant to be an attack towards other creators. There are a lot of incredibly talented creators out there today. In fact, I wish I was as talented as 99% of these people because then maybe I wouldn’t be rotting away in a godforsaken cubicle in a dead end job (don’t go into software engineering kids. You will hate everything and yourself). That being said, if you find yourself offended at any point during this narrative, please accept this homemade apology from me:

With that out of the way, let’s go! 

Prior to YouTube’s existence, bored people like myself mainly browsed websites like Ebaum’s World, Stupid Videos, Albino Black Sheep, and shitty flash sites for bizarre, humorous, and at times traumatizing content (anybody remember The End of the World, Numa Numa, and Schfifty-Five before they were uploaded to YouTube?) . Enter 2005 -  the birth of YouTube! At that time, I was one very bored 15 year old full of angst. YouTube offered up a new way to find content that appealed to millennials like myself. Not only that, but YouTube became the platform for people to connect with the world by sharing their interests, thoughts, and work with the world! While I never uploaded anything to YouTube, I spent an unhealthy amount of time searching and stumbling upon videos. Things got exciting in 2006 when I discovered a wonderful YouTuber you may know as AmazingPhil! Subsequently over the years, I would find myself stumbling upon Dan, Chris, and PJ. 

Let’s start with the first of the four I encountered - Phil Lester. Honestly, is there anyone on YouTube, let alone this planet, who is nicer than Phil? Even though he is a true YouTube trailblazer, he has fewer subscribers and gets less appreciation than his collaborator and best friend, Dan Howell. In spite of this, Phil does not get envious and remains fully supportive of not only Dan, but all of his friends. Phil is the paragon of a sincerely kind and generous human being. If more people in the world strived to be more like Phil, humanity would be better off. Phil’s creativity and talent never fails to make me smile and amaze (well, he is AmazingPhil!) me. I love his light-hearted silly jokes and when he spontaneously bursts into song (my favorite is in the Snake Oil video PJ did with Dan and Phil - “He slithers down your chimney/ He licks you while you sleep/ You don’t know where he’s been tonight/ He’s a snake on Christmas Eve”). Here is a guy who has accomplished so much in his life so far - graduated with a master’s degree, presented on BBC Radio 1 with Dan, won a Guinness World Record for coin stacking, and invented the game concept for the 7 Second Challenge app. Personally, I think Phil offers higher quality content than many other YouTubers. As a viewer, I can tell that when Phil makes a video, he puts in so much effort and heart. Yet, do others truly appreciate Phil’s talent, creativity, and personality? If I walked into a random crowd on the streets of Seattle and asked the crowd’s opinions on Phil Lester, what do you think would happen? I’m willing to bet most people would look at me as if I just asked them to solve a differential equation. Phil is so genuine both as a creator and person, and I wish more people appreciated him for all he does.

Next up is Dan Howell! I have yet to encounter a person who is as eloquent in their vocabulary and sarcasm as Dan. As someone who was also raised on Winnie the Pooh (and raised by an intensely literature/English focused mom. English class didn’t end after school for me!), stumbling upon a YouTuber like Dan was one of the best things to happen to me. Intelligent and bona fide, Dan is someone I could sit with over some tea or wine and have in-depth discussions with. While I love Dan’s typical commentary on his experiences with social awkwardness, being an outcast, and making mistakes, once in a blue moon he will post a very sagacious and intensely emotional video. Daniel and Depression is one of those videos. In this video, Dan opens up about his experiences in understanding and managing his depression. After watching his video, I took some time to absorb and dissect the content I just watched. As someone who has been dealing with chronic depression and anxiety since childhood, this was a video that profoundly struck a chord with me. Dan’s videos are very engaging and easy for many people to relate to. Even as I’ve gotten older, I still find the content Dan posts to be easy to relate to. For all his sardonic humor and sarcasm, Dan comes across as a very kind and generous person. Everything he creates is done with so much insight and character. I hope Dan continues to produce the content he does!

Now then, on to PJ Liguori! If there is one channel that you will never find another one like it, it is KickThePj. The first video I ever saw on his channel was Retro MakeOver. I immediately subscribed to his channel after watching that video. PJ takes his artwork and creativity to whole different level on his channel. Not only can he draw, but he is musically inclined and an outstanding storyteller. The way in which PJ tells his stories with a twist of imagination makes his videos unlike anything I’ve ever seen both prior to and during the existence of YouTube. I love how as a viewer, I feel as if I’m in the moment with PJ, observing his imagination in action - nothing feels scripted! The way he engages with his viewers is also very genuine (I know I’ve said that a lot. Honestly all four of these guys can be described as genuine). PJ seems like a very pleasant person that I’d gladly chill with over a card or board game. I’m honestly surprised that more people haven’t discovered PJ or don’t seem to have an appreciation for this type of content. In a world that seems to demand more originality and creativity, you couldn’t find a better creator than PJ. PJ is a one in a million and a very talented creator. I can’t wait to see what he does next both on and outside of YouTube!

Finally, but not least, Chris Kendall! I would venture to say that no one could get through one of Chris’ videos without laughing their socks off. Chris does some the best impersonations and parodies I’ve seen on YouTube! I love his casual attitude in his gaming videos where he just acts like himself and doesn’t take things too seriously (his random burping always makes my day :P). Much like the other three, his content is original and there is a discernible effort in his videos. Case and point - both of his I Can’t Even YouTube Quiz shows. I laughed until I was in tears during both of them and loved all of the geeky references! I would describe quite a bit of his humor as both geeky and classically British. Beyond his comedy, Chris is also a great actor. Both in his videos and collaboration videos, his acting skills are impeccable and he is absolutely hilarious! I was sad when Chris took a hiatus from YouTube (though I understood), but I am happy he’s back to creating more awesome content. Chris is a creator that I hope more people will discover and follow!

I hope to be fortunate enough one day to meet all four of these wonderful men outside of a computer screen. If anything, to shake their hands (and hug them if they’re ok with it) and thank them for how much each of them have positively impacted me in some way or another. If any of them are reading this, thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts and for all the great work you are doing!!

@danielhowell @amazingphil @kickthepj @crabstickz69