#I have fibromyalgia. I have pots. that makes me exhausted walking upstairs

[spookietrex]

Story Time with Spookie!

So let me just tell you a kind of infuriating, kind of funny story about mental health hospitalizations. (If you're only here for the funny bits, stick to the last 5 paragraphs!) This is a true story that I experienced. Names have been changed.

Tw: sexual abuse, involuntary mental health hospitalization, stalking

So for context, I am an ambulatory wheelchair user due to hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos, POTS, and fibromyalgia. I have severe PTSD from multiple incidents, borderline personality disorder, autism (but mask almost automatically due to my trauma. I did extremely well in society before my autistic burnout. I am now experiencing severe symptoms), shaking/tremors/possible seizures (current diagnosis is functional neurological disorder but I have severe cognitive decline. Now find simple children's math books complicated (spent 45 minutes on one problem today in a number puzzle workbook for ages 7+), severe depression/anxiety, but most importantly I have severe trust issues with medical professionals because they keep involuntarily hospitalizing me when I, my wife, my therapist have both told them it doesn't help. When I am triggered/scared, I have PNES where I can't walk. Like at all. I will fall and hurt myself. (I also have POTS).

So I go to the hospital got some unrelated reason and they decide that I'm suicidal because I have a history as a kid and I have passive suicidal ideation controlled by a therapist (my exact words). They keep me for 2 days at one facility no AMA (barely feed me anything I'll actually eat. I'm a vegan), only at certain times was I allowed to to have any comfort items (my fuzzy blanket, was brand new, my phone, etc), they make up lies and decide my health even when I am honest (lmao they literally wrote in my medical record that i threw up on purpose, but they focus on the fact that I use marijuana for pain. Even though I have my medical card.) then tell me I'll be moved upstairs to the psych unit to "finish my psych hold, " where my wife will be allowed to visit me for one hour two times per week. So I'm annoyed but whatever. I know the plan. They tell me they're going to move me at midnight; plenty of time for my wife to get back from work. Nope, they suddenly tell me at 9:30pm the ambulance is on its way to take me to the new hospital. I start freaking out but am doing my best to not do things that will make me stay longer. I make them wait for my wife to say goodbye and deny all my sleep meds and request an Ativan so that I do not have a major meltdown at the new hospital. The entire time, I am shaking nonstop. I am barely aware of my surroundings. I am sweating like crazy and the EMT is very concerned. I ask to leave but am denied.

We finally get to the hospital (10:30pm) and they hand me paperwork to sign in and tell me they will not engage with me unless I sign. I ask if that means I can leave. She says no. I am forced to sign the paperwork voluntarily admitting myself despite actively voicing concerns. (1:30am)

The nurse is nice enough but she is distracted because another man is actively detoxing. She asks about trauma history and because I am exhausted and hope it helps, I tell her about my messed up childhood and my story. She validates me and leaves due to another patient (3:00am) tells me she has to take the fuzzy blanket for now but I should be able to get it back. Another lady comes in to take the fuzzy blanket. I am having a meltdown and shaking so badly I can't stand. She tells me to hand it to her. I gently toss it to her because I can't move. She yells at me. I tell her I'm having a seizure andcan'twalk. She says "no you're not" I repeated that I needed a wheelchair. She checked with the nurse and came back with a wheelchair. (4:30am)

Ended up on the psychosis unit because I told my doctor I was seeing color swirls that weren't there. (Kaleidoscope vision before migraine) The nurses on the unit laugh in my face when I ask about the fuzzy blanket. (6am) The bed was uncomfortable and I had no privacy. At this point, I'd been awake 24 hours so I slept. I got in trouble for sleeping 🥴

The worst part and the reason for this story there was this male patient that arrived on like my second or third day. He just walked into my room when I was laying down reading and stared at me for a while. I screamed at him to get tfo of my room. My roommate heard me yelling and came to help. He finally left but muttered something along the lines of, "I can do whatever the f--- I want. It's my f---ing room." This alarmed me so I alerted staff. They rolled their eyes and said, "That's just Billy. He doesn't mean any harm."

The next day, I am in the common room talking to someone, Billy comes up to me multiple times after I tell him to please leave me alone. He writes down his phone number on a piece of paper and tries to give it to me multiple times after he sees me accept my roommate's information. It happens in groups. Staff does nothing. It's not just me he's bothering but he's clearly targeting and following me. Other people notice and report it to staff. He did this for a few more days before I finally snapped. I yelled. I yelled really loudly to get the f--- away from me. I said it multiple times (I wanna say like 10) and staff did nothing before my roommate (again) told them I was yelling and to get him away from me. They gave Billy a shot for that.

That night I couldn't sleep. I was rolling through the hall with my wheelchair around 3am and heard the sound of a male masturbating. I rolled myself up to the counter wanting pain meds because my entire body was in pain and Billy's roommate Lamar was up at the counter asking to use the bathroom because his roommate was masturbating in theirs. (Ew).

The next day was the night before I found out I was leaving. I spent the day talking to group members that I liked and exchanging contact information and coloring. He again tried to offer me his information but I stayed with an easy way out or a barrier between him and I. Billy went out for a cigarette break with the rest of the group around 6pm. I sat inside with Aqua. We noticed that there was some commotion outside. Later, we learned from another group member, Levi, that Billy had gotten close to a dissociative girl, unzipped her jacket, and grabbed her breasts. She tried to push him off of her but didn't have much success. Lamar saw this and punched him off of her. Staff shoved Billy back inside.

Okay for this next part: there were a few people who knew I could walk but most of the group members had no idea. I had a fall risk bracelet (I am). So I'm sitting in the corner with Aqua also blocked in. Billy comes charging in and beeline directly for me. I have had it at this point. I have told him and told him. I scream louder than I have screamed at this facility to get the f--- away from me. This does not work. I get louder and louder until I am filled with adrenaline and no longer give a shit about whether I fall on my face (but am pretty confident I won't). I stand and take a step forward and shout so loud that the smokers could hear me through the glass outside. Staff comes running. Billy is looking shocked and the only thing that comes out of his mouth is, "Hallelujah. It's a miracle. You can stand." I am seething and am ready to tear this man apart just as staff arrives to take him away. I sit down in my wheelchair and stare at Aqua, slow blinking, aghast at what just happened.