#I have like four pairings I want to write stuff for for like. april fools

[fancifulplaguerat]

what if I wrote Isidor & Simon yaoi.

[writing-in-april]

MGG Characters Masterlist

This is my Masterlist for characters that Matthew Gray Gubler portrays. They are sorted by fluff, angst and smut and from first posted to last. Requests are open for this actor. Upcoming fics are on my main Masterlist. ♥️=Author’s Favorite⚠️=Major trigger warning Main Masterlist

Spencer Reid x Reader

SERIES (2+ chapters):

Chronological series:

The Five Stages of Grief : Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer going through the stages of grief after the death of the Reader. (ANGST) ♥️⚠️ —completed—

- Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader meets a mysterious man at the library during book club. ♥️ -in progress- -prompt/request—fic swap— (18+)

Unlinked series:

Spencer Reid & Letters: Group of fics exploring how Spencer and different types of Readers correspond through letters and their relationships.(Fluff- may contain angst & smut in the future) -in progress-

Fluff:

Oneshots:

- Ghost Story : Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer tells Reader a ghost story before the power goes out.—request—

- Curl Recovery : Post Prison Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Curly Hair Reader: Spencer’s hair took a beating in prison along with the rest of his being. Reader helps Spencer gain a little back of what he lost. ♥️-Hurt/Comfort-

- 9 o’clock : Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Barista Reader: Reader is an owner of a coffee shop and learns the identity of her late night regular as well as the reason why he likes so much sugar in his coffee.

- Dahlias :Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer over analyzing what type of flowers to get for Reader for their first date ♥️-fic swap-

- Happy Coincidences : Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: You keep running into Spencer before work will you ever get his number? -request-

- The Best Time To Wear a Striped Sweater: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Where does Spencer’s striped sweater go after the first episode?—1000 follower celebration—

- My Knight in Shiny Armor: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Reader is a fantasy novelist and writes Spencer into their story. ♥️ —fic swap—

- The Melody Lives On: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Seeing Spencer after so long apart makes past feelings come to the surface again.

- Cinematic Coincidences: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer can’t bring himself to go on another date that’s been set up for him- so he stands his date up. Spence seemingly can’t catch a break and runs into the date he stood up. -30 fics in 30 days-

- Origins: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Reader is from a specific geographical location): Reader feels homesick after a particularly gruesome case. Spencer can’t buy a plane ticket, but he can try to help recreate part of home with them. -30 fics in 30 days-

- Question and Answer: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Garcia gets Reader to answer some questions about their feelings for Spencer. -30 fics in 30 days-

- Shining Bright Above You: Spencer Reid x Male Reader: Spencer finally gets to go out with his boyfriend after getting out of prison and gets to see the light despite the overwhelming darkness. ♥️-30 fics in 30 days-

- Unwinding in the Vines: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Reader can’t get enough of cuddling Spencer. -30 fics in 30 days-

- Manicured: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer finally lets Reader paint his nails. -30 fics in 30 days-

Blurbs/Ficlets:

- Lactose Intolerant: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader : Spencer loves dairy despite his allergy, it comes back to bite him and reader takes care of him. ♥️

- Spooked: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Reader really wishes Spencer hadn’t picked a haunted house as a team bonding exercise.

- Four More Months & No More Months Spencer Reid x Pregnant Female Reader: Spencer talking to their baby while Reader pretends to sleep.-1000 follower celebration-1250 follower celebration-request-

Angst:

Oneshots:

- Jinxed : Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader : Reader is deeply affected by a case and is comforted by Spencer, at the end of the case Reader gets injured. (ENDS HAPPY)

- Too little Too Late : Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer isn’t sure what he’s fighting for anymore and feels abandoned by Y/N and his team. Set post Revelations. Major Trigger Warnings ⚠️ (SAD ENDING)

- A Greek Tragedy: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Masc. coded) :Spencer and Reader’s lives now resemble a Greek tragedy after Spencer returns from his kidnapping. ♥️⚠️(Hurt Comfort) (Light at the first of a tunnel sad ending)-prompt/request-

- Off the Table: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Based off the Ariana Grande song off the table. Reader wants to ask Spencer- I’d love off the table? ♥️⚠️ —1000 follower celebration— —request-

- Converging Parallels: Spencer Reid x Female Single Mom Reader: Spencer goes to a support group Penelope suggested after the death of Maeve. He quickly connects with a single mom who’s experiences have been similar to Spencer’s. -30 fics in 30 days-

- Tiny Vessels: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer is done lying to himself about his true feelings for reader, but isn’t done lying to them. ♥️-30 fics in 30 days-

Smutty (not full on smut, smut is further down):

Oneshots:

- Yeah: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: When Reader’s favorite song comes on while they’re out at a bar with the team, Reader can’t resist wanting to dance with Spencer even if it outs their secret relationship. -request-

- Training Wheels: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Years ago Spencer taught Reader to drive despite the fact that he hates driving. When they become good at driving enough to learn how to ride a motorcycle they get Spencer to come along for a ride.

Smut:

Oneshots:

Sub!Spencer Reid x Reader:

x Gender Neutral Reader:

- Georgia Peach: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: Spencer sees reader eating a peach and goes a little crazy. ♥️ -request-

- Helping hands: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader: After a bad case Spencer needs help shaving after getting injured, he gets help from the least likely person to help in his life. ♥️ (Enemies to lovers) -prompt/request-

- Slapped: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader x Elle Greenaway: impromptu little fic that @sparklinspence and I ended up writing quickly in the reblogs about Spencer getting his cock slapped while away on a case. ♥️

x Female Reader:

- Surprise Pretty Boy  :Sub!Spencer : Spencer Reid x Female Reader : Reader hasn’t had any sex in what feels like forever, so she seduces Spencer. When they get to Reader’s apartment she has a surprise waiting for him.

- Solaris: Sub!Spencer : Spencer Reid x Female Reader : Spencer and Reader finally get a vacation, so they go and see a Russian film called Solaris. Reader coxes Spencer into getting freaky in the theatre.

- Painted Nails: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer’s dom paints his nails for date night and she goes crazy at the sight of them.—-request—-

- Plot twist: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader buys a new pair of heels but they aren’t for her. ♥️ —750 follower celebration—

- Keep Reading: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader brings a surprise for Spencer at their picnic date. -♥️—750 follower celebration— —prompt/request-

- Braided Brat: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer lets Reader braid his hair, he can’t help but tease her. —750 follower celebration—

- Pleasent Surprise: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader asks Spencer if she can try to be more dominant in the bedroom. —750 follower celebration—

- Guest Lecturer: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: gets Spencer riled up during class while he’s guest lecturing. ♥️—750 follower celebration—

-Taking care: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer needs Reader to help him relax after some people were unkind to him —750 follower celebration—-request-

- Good in Red: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer really likes the color of your lipstick. ♥️ —1000 follower celebration—

- Green with Envy: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer gets mad over something reader can’t control and a fight ensues- plus heavy makeup sex after the fight.

- Soured Nostalgia: Sub!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: When Reader moves their stuff in to Spencer’s apartment they find photos that he kept over the years. One photo of the past springs up memories of Spencer’s precious relationship with Elle. ♥️-30 fics in 30 days-

-Erotica Explained: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer finds Reader’s erotica writing. ♥️-30 fics in 30 days-

Dom!Spencer Reid x Reader:

- Star Trek vs. Star Wars: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader Smut: Spencer and reader get into a heated argument over which is better Star Trek or Star Wars, Reader in turn breaks some of Spencer’s rules. —fic swap—

- The Case of the Missing Coffee: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader Smut: Spencer gets on Reader’s nerves just a little too much one day.—fic swap—

-Occupied: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer and Reader get caught in a bar bathroom by one of their coworkers after Reader couldn’t keep their hands to themselves. -500 follower celebration- -prompt/request-

- Birthday Spankings: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: A normally shy reader decides to tease Spencer on his birthday thinking she could get away with it —request—

- Poker Face: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader thought she could get away with speaking her desires out loud as long as they were in a different language. Turns out, someone could understand her. ♥️

- April Fools: Dom!Spencer (not as harsh as others): Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer needs to one up Reader just as he’s about to loose a prank war. —30 fics in 30 days-

- Dressed in Crimson: Dom!Spencer: Spencer Reid x Female Reader:(Royalty AU)Spencer is a stable boy with a passion for learning and Reader is the princess of the palace that he serves in. They’ve been in a secret relationship, the two grow restless about not being able to be out in the open. ♥️ -30 fics in 30 days-

Non specific dom Spencer Reid x Reader:

- Russian Roulette: Non specific dom: Spencer Reid x Female Unsub Reader: Reader and Spencer formed a relationship during an investigation, turns out she was the unsub they were looking for. Spencer finds the Readers hiding place cornering her, but he can’t let her go yet. Major Trigger Warnings ♥️⚠️ (SAD ENDING)

- Mismatched: Non specific dom: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader is Spencer’s roommate and they have been pining after each other for a while. One morning they finally get to act on their feelings.

- The Big Bluff: Non specific dom: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Spencer goes up against a professional poker player. ♥️-500 follower celebration-

- Any Iteration: Non specific dom: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: Reader is nervous that this new iteration of her won’t be something Spencer will like. ♥️

Blurbs:

- A Snowy Morning After: Part One, Part Two: Non specific dom: Spencer Reid x Female Reader: After being snowed in after a one night stand, Spencer wants to go for a round two. -1000 follower celebration—30 fics in 30 days-

Chip Taylor x Reader (MGG character from 68 kill)

Fluff:

Oneshots:

- Chipped: Chip Taylor x Gender Neutral Reader: Chip Taylor watching Beauty and the beast for the first time with Reader. -500 follower celebration- -prompt/request-

Angst:

Smut:

Oneshots:

Sub!Chip Taylor x Reader:

- Party Play: Sub!Chip: Chip Taylor x Female Reader: After Reader gets Chip to voice one of his deepest desires Reader takes him to a play party Reader’s friend hosts. ♥️-30 fics in 30 days-

Raymond Wadsworth x Reader (MGG character from Suburban Gothic)

Fluff:

Oneshots:

- Unsolved: Raymond Wadsworth x Gender Neutral Reader: Raymond runs into the buzzfeed unsolved duo investigating the same place he is, plus their cute camera operator. -500 follower celebration- -prompt/request-

Smut:

Oneshots:

Sub!Raymond Wadsworth:

- Spooks: Sub!Raymond: Raymond Wadsworth x Female Reader: Raymond starts sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong at the next haunting he’s investigating. ♥️ -30 fics in 30 days-

Angst:

Oneshots:

Blurbs:

- Birthday Blues: Raymond Wadsworth x Gender Neutral Reader: Raymond wants his partner to come back from the dead.

Franklin x Reader (MGG character from Beginner’s luck)

Fluff:

Oneshots:

- Bowling Ball Baby Franklin x Pregnant Female Reader: Franklin and Reader get into a fight about him not being there for Reader’s pregnancy. He has a unique way of apologizing.♥️-Hurt/Comfort-

- Gutter Balls Franklin x Male Reader: While meeting up for a friendly game of bowling with Franklin’s team some very rude people try to insert their opinion on yours and Franklin’s relationship. (Has some angst but is v happy). —request—

- Chili Cheese Fries: Franklin x Gender Neutral Reader: Franklin tries to make bowling alley food taste better during a first date. ♥️ -30 fics in 30 days-

Angst:

Smut:

Oneshots:

- The Owner’s Office: Dom!Franklin: Franklin x Female Reader: Franklin won’t stop pestering the owner of the alley about getting a discount. —1000 follower celebration— —prompt/request— ♥️

Lesley Smith-Juniment x Reader (MGG in Hot Air)

Fluff:

- Unintentionally Unrequited: Lesley Smith-Juniment x Gender Neutral Reader: Reader holds in their love for Lesley after his broken engagement. -30 fics in 30 days-

Angst:

Smut:

-Will be adding more characters in the future-

[georgeweasleysbabe]

birthday boys || f.w & g.w

pairing: platonic!fred x reader x platonic!george

word count: 966

warnings: underage drinking, partying, fireworks. not proofread sjdbjdbd. pls tell me if I missed anything<3

summary: it’s your bestfriends’ birthday and you thought of giving them the best present you could ever have

a/n: shebhdv hii!! since it’s my favorite twins’ birthday today and also since it’s april fools, I thought of writing something for them. happy birthday fred and george! you guys will forever be in my hearts<3

italics are flashbacks

you woke up at exactly 8:30 am this morning feeling very excited. Today marked your calendar as April 1st, which was none other than your best friends’ birthday. you had planned something a few days ago to surprise the boys. something you knew they’d love.

you, fred, and george had been friends since your first year at hogwarts when george bumped into you on the train.

“georgie come quick! the compartments are nearly full!” you heard a red head say.

“mom, dad, I've got to go. i love you guys!” and after one last kiss to their cheek, you left your parents and went into the train. you looked around to find an empty compartment, until you felt your head hit something hard. “ouch!” you heard someone say. you looked up and saw a red haired boy, one who looked similar to the boy you saw earlier.

“I'm sorry” you said. “it’s ok” the boy sent you a small smile and held his hand out for you to get up. “i’m George by the way! George weasley!”

“i’m y/n y/l/n! nice to meet you!” you said in a cheery voice. you saw someone approaching George, someone who looked identical to him. “George, come onnn! I've found a place” he said before looking at you. “and who might this be?”

“hi my name’s y/n!” “fred weasley!” he shook your hand before telling George to come with him. George looked at you and asked if you wanted to sit with them, and who were you to decline such an offer. the three of you talked about random stuff. you learned that they were in the same year as you, and that they loved pranking. they told you a lot about their stories from home and you told them about yours. you knew from there that you had made your first friends. Hogwarts would be fun.

And you were right. Fred and George became your best friends. Along with Lee, the four of you were the most iconic group at Hogwarts.

You went to the great hall for breakfast, sitting right in between the twins. “happy birthday!” you said to the both of them with a big smile. they both said thank you and gave you a kiss on the cheek.

While eating your breakfast and chatting a bit, you remembered something you had to do, which may or may not have something to do with the twins birthday present.

“i have to go now, I’ll see you later guys!” you said “whyyyy? it’s only been a few minutes and you haven’t even finished your breakfast yet” fred said with a pout. “I’ve got to go do something freddie”

“which is??” George asked. you quickly thought of an excuse and said “homework.”

“really? it’s a weekend and I don’t even think anyone’s assigned something for us to do” said fred. “how would you know? you always skip classes and when you don’t, you don’t even listen” you said unimpressed. Fred let out another pout and said, “m’kay fine. but be back soon!”

“okay bye guys!”

———

After setting up your present you went to the gryffindor common room. you saw fred, george, and lee at the couch and went to sit with them.

“Look who finally came,” George said with a smirk. “oh shut it weasley” you replied teasingly. george put his hand on his chest as he pretended to be hurt and said, “really y/n? and on my birthday *sighs* such a bully”. all of you burst out laughing.

you laid your head on george’s shoulder as you thought about how lucky you are to have both these idiots as your friends.

———

The gryffindor common room was loud. loud music blasting, and everyone either drunk, or dancing. You knew there was a party, of course there was. It was the weasley twins’ birthday for god sake. You just needed to find a way to be able to get the twins outside.

Once you thought of something, you went through the crowd, whispering a string of ‘excuse me’ s and ‘coming through’. you found fred and george dancing, both with drinks in their hands.

“boys I need you outside for a minute” you said. they both nodded and went outside to the courtyard with you. “what’s up?” George started.

“Well I’ve planned this a few days ago, and since it’s your birthday, I wanted to do something special, something the both of you would enjoy.” they both had a look of both confusion and excitement as you lifted a sheet off a fireworks set. “just look up”.

you then set the fireworks off, and it exploded in the sky, revealing a string of different colors. then the ‘grand finale’, as you liked to call it, finally came. it was a firework that said ‘happy birthday fred and george, i love you guys’. you looked at the boys and they both had wide smiles on their faces. they looked at you and each gave you a hug. “thank you so much for this y/n, we loved it. although there is one problem.” Fred said, looking at George who immediately got what Fred was talking about. “yeah? and what might that be?” you nervously said, “you set up fireworks without us, and that is a crime” George continued.

you sighed in relief and said “oh I’m glad you liked it. I did get extra fireworks though, it’s over there” you pointed to the extra fireworks, and they both ran towards it. “have fun with it. happy birthday guys! i love you both so damn much.”

“we love you too y/n” and just like that, you spent the entire night setting off fireworks, which may or may not have landed you in detention.

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie Series: Episode 25

Happy New Year’s Eve (and yes, I realize some of you are already in 2021, but I’m not.) Nothing like waiting until almost the last minute to get my promised new episode posted before the end of December. But success.

I’m currently on my lunch break, so I have to keep this short and sweet.

Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me as I’ve been writing this series. I truly appreciate each and everyone one of you. And shout out to my betas: @nomadicpixel​ @alievans007​ @heather-lynn​ and @mrs-captain-evans​ - you four are amazing cheerleaders and this story wouldn’t be what it is without you and your help.

♥Becca♥

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer (OFC)

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: n/a

Episode Summary: Chris returns to Los Angeles (and Ellie)... for real this time.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3.

The Chris and Ellie series is primarily chronological. It begins with a flash forward to 2016 and has a few other scenes in the future. However, the majority of their story is told in chronological order starting in 2013 and going through 2017. Each episode starts with a date to help you place it within the story.

The Chris & Ellie Series Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Episode 24.5

Episode 25: Only Fools Rush In

December 5, 2014

Chris's house in Los Angeles was dark when the cab came to a stop in front of it in the early hours of the morning. The driver helped Chris get his luggage out of the trunk and then wished him a 'Merry Christmas' after Chris slipped him a tip.

As the cab drove away, Chris stared up at the big house, trying to block out the memories from that day in July when he'd seen Ellie and Pierre hugging. Now that he knew what had actually happened, he felt like a fool for jumping to conclusions.

He couldn’t bring himself to regret it. That rock bottom moment for him had been a catalyst. He'd finally gotten over the hurdles his mind created and was letting his heart take the lead on the whole Ellie dilemma. He owed it to them both to seek her out. He didn't know how it would go, but he was prepared to apologize and, if she wanted, walk away.

Taking a deep breath, he unlocked the door and carried his suitcases in. His eyes drifted up the stairs and he knew he should take them up to his bedroom, but he wasn't ready to go there yet. Instead, he dropped the suitcases at the bottom of the stairs then walked through the quiet house, taking everything in.

For some reason, Chris had expected everything to be different, but it all looked the same. The only thing that was noticeably different was the smell. The house didn't smell bad by any means, it just didn't smell like the light, fruity scent that he associated with Ellie.

It wasn't until he got to the kitchen that he noticed things missing, specifically Ellie's things. Like her ugly coffee cups that she insisted on keeping next to the coffeemaker so they were within easy reach first thing in the morning. His eyes then slid to the floor by the backdoor where Daisy's things had been. He missed her almost as much as he missed Ellie.

Taking a shaky breath, he started a pot of coffee, knowing it would be the only way he was going to make it through the day after taking a red eye flight from Boston to Los Angeles. While the coffee brewed, he grabbed a mug from the cupboard and then looked back at the coffee maker.

"I don't know why you keep them so far apart," Ellie's voice came back to him from a long-forgotten conversation. "It's silly. The coffee cups should be right above the coffee pot for easy access. Everyone knows that."

"You're right," he admitted out loud in his empty kitchen.

Trying to remember the other things Ellie had said to him over their time together, he opened the doors of all his cupboards and began reorganizing them. At first, it required a lot of thought, but once it got down to just putting things away, his mind started to wander.

It had been ten days since he'd learned the truth about what had happened in the driveway back in July. At first, he had been too overwhelmed by the information and hadn't been able to process it. Opening up to his mom about everything had helped, but that had just been step one.

The next step had been sorting through his feelings. He knew he was in love with Ellie. Months of long, lonely nights of introspection convinced him of that. But he also knew that his feelings weren't what was important right now. Ellie's feelings were all what mattered. Him being in love with her didn't mean a damn thing if she didn't feel the same way. Or worse, if she hated him and never wanted to see him again.

He'd tried to put on a brave face for Thanksgiving, but his heart hadn't really been in it. He'd gone through the motions, but not even a competitive game of Trivial Pursuit had pulled him out of his head.

His mom had given him until Saturday morning before she'd stepped in to help some more. Through a series of questions, like 'what are you thinking' and 'what are you planning to do', she helped him get through the quagmire that was his brain. The outcome of which had been him deciding to go back to Los Angeles to talk to Ellie.

The biggest question that had followed his decision had been when. Scott had gone back to LA Sunday morning, but Chris hadn't been ready yet. He'd wanted to come back with a game plan. Even if it all ended up a complete and utter failure.

"What are you doing?" Scott's voice came through the fog of Chris's brain, bringing him back to the present.

Shaking his head, Chris turned and found his brother standing at the top of the stairs to the basement. Seeing the confused expression on Scott's face, he took a step back and took in the reorganizing disaster that was his kitchen.

"Are you ok?" Scott asked, slowly. He'd known Chris was arriving this morning, but he hadn't expected to find his brother rearranging the kitchen when he came in from the guest house where he was now living.

"I'm fine," Chris assured him. "Just felt like reorganizing, I guess." He shrugged. "Ellie was always commenting on the silly places some things were stored and she was right." Stepping forward, he opened the cupboard over the coffee pot. "The mugs are here now. Above the coffee pot."

"You could have just moved the coffee pot," Scott said with a stifled yawn.

"I could have, but it makes sense for the coffee pot, coffee and coffee cups to all be in one area," Chris explained. "Speaking of which, I made coffee. You want some?"

"Shouldn't you be fighting jet lag or something?" his brother asked.

"I slept on the plane," Chris replied with a shrug. "And I've had two cups of coffee this morning. I'll sleep later."

"In your bedroom or in one of the guestrooms?" Scott asked, cautiously. He knew coming back to the house was a big first step for Chris, but he didn't think his brother was fully prepared for the onslaught of memories that the house would bring. Seeing Chris tense at his question, Scott pressed on. "Have you been upstairs yet?"

"I couldn't go upstairs," Chris admitted, softly. The bedroom held so many memories for himself and Ellie but was also the place that his worst memory with her had happened.

"Want me to go with you?" Scott offered. He'd walked by Ellie's side during the aftermath of the breakup and now that his brother was forced to deal with it himself, he could help him, too.

"Will you help me with the kitchen first?" Chris asked, gesturing to the stuff that was still on the counters to put away.

Knowing his brother needed to mentally prepare himself to go upstairs, Scott helped him finish reorganizing the kitchen. He didn't want to admit it out loud, but some of the changes really did make sense. Others, he knew would drive Ellie crazy. Which made him want to take a picture and send it to her, but he resisted the urge. She didn't know Chris was back in town yet and he didn't want to be the one to tell her.

After the last cabinet door closed, Scott expected Chris to come up with a reason not to go upstairs, but his brother surprised him by leading him out of the kitchen.

"Are you ready for this?" Scott asked as he picked up two of Chris's suitcases.

"Not really, but it's not like I have much choice, is it?" Chris asked as he grabbed his other suitcase.

"It'll be ok, you'll see," Scott assured him. "The cleaning lady was here yesterday and she made the bed for you and cleaned the bathroom."

Leading Chris up the stairs, Scott waited for him at the bedroom door. He knew his brother needed to be the one to open the door to fully cement his current reality. Afterall, the last time Chris had been in the room, Ellie had been peacefully sleeping in the bed and it had been April.

"You got this," Scott encouraged as they stood outside the closed bedroom door.

Turning the handle, Chris pushed the door open and found the room just as it had always been when he came home from a long time away. It was both comforting and depressing.

He forced himself to take a step into the room and then another until he reached the bed. He dropped his suitcase onto it and Scott did the same with the other two.

Turning to survey the room, he saw the two neatly stacked piles of clothes on the dresser by the bedroom door. He recognized some of the sweatshirts that Ellie had borrowed from him, but others were just clothes he had worn during the days leading up to his early departure.

Sucking in a breath, he turned his attention to the closet. Crossing the room, he opened the door and was taken aback at the chaotic state of it. He knew he'd packed in a rush, but he hadn't realized he'd left it in such a state.

"I told the housekeeper not to clean it up," Scott said from behind him. "I thought you needed to see the way you left things."

"I hadn't realized," Chris whispered as he felt pressure building in his chest. He could only imagine how shocked and hurt Ellie had been when she'd seen the room. "I really fucked up."

"You did," Scott agreed. There was no reason to sugar coat things anymore. At the same time, he could feel the anxiety radiating off his brother. Reaching over, he put his hand on Chris's shoulder and squeezed. "You're here now. That's what's important."

Turning to look at his brother, Chris felt the weight of the last eight months on his shoulders. Not only had he lost Ellie, but he'd effectively lost his own brother, too. Both because of his own stupidity.

"I'm sorry for being a jackass," he told Scott.

"I know you are and I forgive you," Scott replied with a smile. "I'll try not to rub it in your face. Too much anyway."

Chris rolled his eyes and pulled his brother in for a hug.

"So what's your plan?" Scott asked, once they'd parted.

"I'm going to go talk to her," Chris told him. 

"You mean call her, right?" Scott responded. The idea of Chris just showing up at Ellie's apartment left him uneasy. Assuming his brother knew where she lived.

"No, I'm going to go find her and talk to her," Chris replied with a shake of his head. "We both know I'm eight months too late to just call her like everything is fine between us."

"You can't just show up, Chris," Scott insisted. "You should give her some sort of warning that you're wanting to fix things. A phone call would be the best way to do that."

"That's assuming she hasn't blocked my number," Chris pointed out. "And on the off chance she hasn't, who says she would even answer the call? Or that she won't hang up when she realizes I'm the one calling?"

"She hasn't and she won't," Scott assured him. He knew Ellie hadn't blocked or deleted Chris's number because he'd looked when he'd seen her the other day. As for the second part, he was certain that she would answer the phone for Chris. If only to make sure that everyone was ok.

"I have to talk to her in person," Chris stated in a tone of finality. "Even if it's just to tell her I'm sorry."

Scott sighed, but nodded his head, as if giving his permission, which meant a lot to Chris. He knew that Scott and Ellie had gotten closer during his absence and Scott had been there for her. Oddly enough, he even appreciated the balancing act his brother was doing to protect Ellie but also help him.

"I don't suppose you'd give me her address," Chris asked, hesitantly. He didn't want to cause problems between his brother and Ellie, especially if things didn't work out for the two of them, but it was worth a try.

"I don't know her address," Scott replied. It wasn't a lie, exactly. He didn't know the address of her apartment or even the address of the bookstore. He could tell Chris where Ellie's apartment was, but he didn't want Chris to catch Ellie off guard. Like his brother, she needed time to process things and having Chris just show up on her doorstep would not be ideal.

"Then I guess I'll start at the bookstore," Chris reasoned. "That's where I was planning to start anyway." He frowned as a thought crossed his mind. "She still works at the bookstore, right?"

"Yes," Scott told him, making a mental note to call the bookstore when he had the chance to give them a heads up. "They have later hours right now because of the holidays. You'll probably want to go on Monday. That tends to be their slow day, though with Christmas right around the corner, that might be different."

"I'm going tonight," Chris stated. "And I knew about the later hours, I saw it on their website. I plan on getting there right before closing time."

"Oh," Scott said, hoping his voice sounded calm despite the panic that Chris's words had caused. Then he remembered that Ellie wasn't working that night. He couldn't remember exactly what she was doing, but he thought it had to do with the afterschool program she'd been helping with. Possibly a Christmas party? Whatever it was didn't matter. All that mattered was that someone else would be at the bookstore and she would get a heads up that Chris was looking for her before they met. He wondered if Ellie would believe him if he sent her a text in the morning saying that Chris had shown up at the house.

"... and that's my plan," Chris's voice trailed off.

Scott blinked and then coughed awkwardly as he realized he'd missed Chris's plans while panicking. "Uh, sounds like you have it all planned out then," he said, hoping his voice didn't give anything away.

"Yeah, I guess," Chris replied, nodding, his mind on his plan. He'd spent hours formulating it and it was almost time to put it into action. He took a deep breath and turned his attention back to the disaster that was his closet. "I suppose I should deal with this."

"Good idea," Scott said, his mind on making the phone call. "I'll let you do that. I need to go make a phone call anyway."

It wasn't until Scott had left that Chris felt the weight of the pressure he'd succumbed to the night he'd walked away. Unlike that night, however, his heart was able to push past his chaotic thoughts. Starting with the overturned hamper, he picked it up, thankful that someone had taken care of the dirty clothes that had been in there.

It took him a couple hours to get everything picked up and the clothes from his suitcases put away. The hardest part of it all had been the sweatshirts that Ellie had borrowed from him. He smelled each one, hoping they'd still smell like her, but they didn't.

Around two in the afternoon, he gave in to the mental and physical exhaustion he was feeling and laid down for a nap. He slept for a couple of hours and woke up feeling a little groggy, but also recharged.

Hearing his stomach growl, he made his way downstairs and found the house empty. Going into the kitchen, it took him a few minutes to remember where he had moved things to in the kitchen, but eventually he had what he needed to make himself a sandwich.

With hours to kill, he thought about going downstairs to watch tv, but he wasn't sure he was ready for that. At least, not on his own. The basement, even more so than his bedroom, held so many memories for himself and Ellie. It was where they had built their friendship and where it had grown to be more.

Instead, he went back upstairs to take a shower before trying to figure out what to wear. All black seemed too dramatic, but he didn't feel right wearing anything she'd told him she loved seeing him wear. The goal of tonight was for her to see that he was back in town and for him to at least apologize to her. He hoped that she would give him a couple minutes to explain things, but he didn't want to push her to do anything she wasn't comfortable with.

He spent the remaining time going over every aspect of his plan. He purposely hadn't written down what he wanted to say, because he didn't want it to sound rehearsed, but he had a general idea. If all went well, Ellie would be at the shop when he got there and then he'd either talk to her or make plans to talk to her another time.

He felt nervous, but oddly calm at the same time. He was as ready as he'd ever be.

With two hours until closing time, he left the house and made his way to the Los Angeles neighborhood that the bookstore was in. He gave himself more than enough time to get there, not wanting to risk getting stuck in traffic and getting there after they closed for the night.

As it was, he got there a good forty-five minutes before closing time and stopped for coffee before finding a parking spot in front of the shop. He sipped his coffee as he waited, mentally going over everything he wanted to say to Ellie. Assuming she let him talk and didn't run him out of the shop.

With five minutes left until closing time, Chris got out of the car and made his way to the shop. The bells jingled above his head as he came inside.

"We're closing in -" A friendly voice started to say before switching to a less friendly one when he came into sight. "Oh. It's you."

Even though he'd never met Veronica, the shop owner, he knew that was exactly who the middle aged woman was. "You know who I am?" he asked, hesitantly.

"You're Ellie's actor," the woman replied, pursing her lips. "I'd heard you were in town."

"Scott," Chris said, suddenly feeling annoyed with his brother. Obviously that had been the mysterious phone call he'd had to make. "Look, I'm just -"

"I know you're trying to find Ellie," Veronica interrupted him. "Go sit in the break room. I'll be with you in a minute."

Confused, Chris followed her directions and made his way into the break room. It was as he stepped into the back room that he picked up on a familiar scent that rocked him to his core. Ellie had been here or maybe her scent was just imprinted on the place since she worked here. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed the smell until now.

"I dated an actor once," Veronica's voice said from behind him.

Chris turned to face her, waiting for a clue as to how it applied to himself and Ellie.

"It was the worst experience of my life," Veronica continued. "He was the vainest man I'd ever met, in the end. At first, he treated me like a queen. Taking me to parties and events with other famous people. Then something changed and it became hell for me. It's been thirty years and I still can't say one nice thing about him."

"I'm sorry you went through that," he said, still confused. "But you're right, Hollywood is filled with some pompous assholes."

"And are you one of them?" she asked pointedly.

"No," he said, shaking his head. "I will admit that I let Hollywood and fame in general get to my head when I was in my twenties, but that's not who I am anymore or who I want to be."

"Ellie and your brother would agree to that, I know," Veronica told him. "Which is the only reason you are in the break room right now and not standing outside."

As she crossed her arms and leveled a protective look at him, Chris realized what was happening. His brother had obviously clued her into the fact that he was back to talk to Ellie, but Veronica had taken it a step farther, wanting to protect Ellie from anymore heartache if she could.

"I fucked up," he said, simply. Obviously, he had mentally prepared to talk to Ellie, not her boss, but if he had to play hardball to get the chance to talk to her, he'd do it. "And I hurt her in the process and I regret that."

"Now you're back," Veronica stated, visually unswayed by his words.

"Now I'm back," he confirmed. "I don't know if I can fix things, but I want to try. If she'll let me."

"And if she won't?" Veronica pressed.

"Then I walk away. Forever," Chris promised. Squaring his shoulders, he added, "I'm not here to tell her I love her. I'm not saying I don't, but I know that my words aren't worth shit to her, to you, to anyone who knew about our relationship."

Veronica's eyebrows rose at his confession, but she didn't interrupt.

"I just need a chance to talk to her," he continued. "My brother wanted me to call her, but I know this conversation has to happen in person. It's been too long for it to happen any other way."

As if triggered by the word 'call', Veronica's phone started to ring. He saw her take it out of her pocket and saw the look of surprise that crossed her face.

"Excuse me for a minute," she said before disappearing into a private office and closing the door.

Sighing, Chris sank down into a chair at the table. Dealing with an overprotective boss was not something he had planned. Let alone his brother tipping off said boss. That said, he was happy that Ellie had people looking out for her.

Hearing the door open, he saw Veronica putting on a coat.

"Mr. Evans, you are lucky that I believe in fate," she told him as she turned off the lights in the office. "I assume you brought your car?"

"Uh, yes," he replied, more confused than ever, as he stood up.

"Good, Ellie needs us," she told him. "I'll let you drive."

"Is she ok?" he asked as he followed Veronica out of the building via the door in the alley.

"She's fine, but Santa just called saying he was going to the ER for appendicitis," Veronica explained as she locked up. 

"Santa?" Chris repeated. What the hell was she even talking about?

"The costume should fit you," Veronica continued as if not hearing him. She led him down the alley and to the street.

"Wait? You want me to dress up as Santa?" Chris said, finally catching up. Sort of.

"Yes," Veronica replied, turning to look at him. "Unless everything you said in the break room was a lie."

"It wasn't," he said firmly, finally knowing something for certain.

"Good." Veronica nodded as they reached his car, the only one parked in front of the bookstore. "The community center is a ten minute drive from here. We'll need to hurry though. The kids are expecting Santa and Mrs. Claus to hand out presents."

Head still spinning in confusion, Chris followed her directions to the community center. Then found himself ushered down a dark hallway to an office.

"Your costume is in there," Veronica told him. She opened a door and all but pushed him inside.

Mind still trying to catch up with what was going on, it took Chris a minute to see the Santa costume hanging on a coat hook. Still not sure what this all had to do with Ellie, he grabbed the red, fake velvet pants and was in the process of pulling them on over his jeans when the door suddenly opened.

Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a woman dressed as Mrs. Claus come into the room. Her costume consisted of a red velour dress that matched Santa’s costume, a white curly wig and a pair of fake glasses.

Glasses that circled eyes he knew very well.

Eyes that widened when they saw him standing there. 

"Chris," Ellie said in a tone of disbelief.

Episode 26

Want to find me off tumblr? I'm @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

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[carry-on-snowbazzing]

My 5 best of 2020 (in 2021 😂)

1. A summer day ☀

"Well, Baz! Do you want to move?" Penelope yelled, already in the car (a certain MG dated 1967).

Simon studied his own reflection in the rearview mirror, running a hand through his bronze curly tuft and resulting in even more messiness.

"A minute!" was the answer from a few floors above the apartment.

Penelope rolled her eyes and picked up her Iphone.

Shortly after, hurried footsteps were heard coming down the stairs and Baz, after closing the door, got into the car.

Simon leaned out of the back seat and kissed him on the cheek.

He smiled and, starting the engine, exclaimed:

"Destination: fun!"

  Later there were four of them getting out of the car: Baz with a beach umbrella over his shoulder, Simon struggling with a giant inflatable pink flamingo, Penelope with a cooler bag, and Agatha with another bag, containing beach towels and sunscreen.

"The weather forecasts were right; today’s a perfect day for the sea," Penelope commented as she slipped off her flip-flops and dropped her bag into the sand.

"Edward shines like a fairy!" Simon yelled, putting on a pair of sunglasses and pointing to Baz.

"Stop it, Snow," he laughed, "and give me my glasses back; all this sunshine stuns me."

Trying to ignore them, Agatha took off her cover-up and began to rub off the protection angrily.

"Whoever dives himself last is a pixie!" Simon yelled, throwing his t-shirt and starting to run towards the sea with Penelope at his heels.

Several splashes and laughter later, the two returned wet, smiling and hungry.

Meanwhile, Baz and Agatha had dedicated themselves to crossword puzzles and to the horoscope.

"Agatha, there must be some butter and turkey sandwiches in the cooler," Penelope said as she wrapped herself in her towel.

"I couldn't find anything better for you than beef carpaccio," she said to Baz.

He smiled making 'OK' with both thumbs.

"And for me?" Agatha asked, offended that her friend hadn't thought of her too.

"Fruit salad" she replied. "I know you're on a vegetarian diet."

Agatha blushed feeling a little guilty and muttered something like "Oh, thank you".

Everyone literally devoured their lunch, because, as Simon ruled on his fifth butter sandwich, "The sea makes you hungry."

They gossiped a bit about their old classmates, wondering if Gareth still had his belt buckle as a wand and if Trixie had a fight with his girlfriend.

  They lost track of time after falling asleep in the early afternoon sun.

It was the sound of a notification that woke Agatha, who, after seeing her mother's message ('Where are you? Coven party tonight!'), made a shrill sound that woke the others too.

"Damn, I'm in mega-delay!" she complained, sitting up and hastily gathering his things.

Seeing her so agitated, no one dared contradict her and they hurried too.

Before leaving for the return, all already in the car, Simon took out a Polaroid from the trunk (not an easy feat, given the bulky mass of the flamingo) and urged them:

"Wait! Say 'cheese'!"

Everyone posed, waiting for the flash.

Once the picture was taken, Simon reached for the film that had just come out of the instant camera, but found himself clutching a slice of Emmental in his fingers.

Baz couldn't help himself and laughed uncontrollably.

"Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch!" Simon bursted, but he couldn't bear a grudge and joined in the general laughter.

___________________________________________________

2. Shopping (Big & Little) 🥄

"They'll be emptying the mall, those two" Agatha commented, looking at the clock on the kitchen wall and adding another egg to the bowl.

"Probably" replied Penelope, who was handling the curry risotto.

"They've been away for three hours!" Agatha insisted, "and with two credit cards!".

Penelope gave her a look like 'what can we do?' and again consulted the handwritten note attached to the refrigerator with a magnet (shaped like a scone).

"Oh, I forgot the onion!" she moaned after a quick glance, "my mother would kill me if she knew!".

She went back to the stove and for a few minutes they remained silent, one intent on vigorously banging the whips, the other busy slicing the bulb.

Once Agatha had baked the chocolate cake (wiping a non-existent sweat with her glove) and Penelope had remedied her mistake, the girls dropped onto the sofa.

They were just debating which movie to watch that night when they heard the key turn in the lock and Simon exclaim from the entrance:

"We’re at home!"

The two joined them in the living room and Baz asked:

"Curry and chocolate?"

Penelope nodded.

"Sometimes I wish I was a vampire; just smell a dish to understand if the doses are right or wrong," she sighed.

"Shopping?" Agatha asked, looking at the numerous envelopes they both had in their hands and casting a reproachful look at Simon.

"There were the sales" he tried to justify himself, shrugging his shoulders.

"Hurry up; you’ll show us your spoils of war after dinner" Penelope ordered.

  "What do you think?" Simon began, smugly showing a set of jeans for Baz and a giant jar of sour cherries scones.

Penelope seemed to try not to roll her eyes.

"I stayed on the intellectual side" Baz said, pulling a stack of books and a pack of pastel highlighters out of a bag.

"I need them for the college" he explained to Agatha, who was trying to get hold of the markers.

"And you haven't seen the piece of resistence!" Simon shrieked, grabbing a smiling Baz by the wrist and dragging him into the nearest room.

They came out moments later walking backwards (in what was supposed to be an imitation of Michael Jackson's moonwalk), so they could only see their backs.

"3, 2, 1 ..." Baz counted.

"Ta daaaan!" Simon exclaimed as they turned at the same time.

They wore matching gray sweatshirts; both had a black molded spoon.

'Big' was written on Baz's, while Simon's 'Little'.

"Awww" the girls screamed in unison, in the grip of a fangirl attack (which managed to make Agatha look adoring too).

"We have a pair for you too" Baz said, handing Penelope a black t-shirt with 'Brownie' on it, while Simon gave Agatha a white one with 'Blondie' on it.

"Thanks, guys" Penelope murmured moved and Agatha initiated a group hug.

photos references

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3. Anniversary 💞

here

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4. Ops! 🧴

 Simon knocked for the tenth time on the bathroom door:

"Occupied!" Baz yelled for the tenth time.

"And sorry, but I can't hold it anymore anymore ..."

Simon abruptly released the handle, abandoning his irritated tone.

He let out a cry, muffled by the hands that he immediately brought to his mouth.

Baz was shirtless in front of the mirror, glaring at his own reflection.

Everything was perfectly normal, except for his hair: it had turned from raven to red.

Fawn red.

"If you tell anyone about this, Snow, I will end you" he growled menacingly.

Simon stood there, speechless. When he had regained the use of his mouth, he barely stifled a laugh and intoned:

“Weasley is our king

he always lets the Quaffle in ... "

From Baz's look, he knew it would be wiser to stop, so he did it.

He approached cautiously and asked gently:

"What happened to you?".

"I wish I knew; I was taking a normal shampoo shower" sighed Baz.

Meanwhile Simon had reached the sink and was looking closely at the bottle of the citron and bergamot scented blend.

"It doesn't seem to have anything strange" he then ruled, placing it back on the shelf.

"Indeed; I went to get it from my home in Hampshire; Daphne can only find it in our town's herbalist's shop," Baz replied sadly.

"I really can't explain it" he went on, unable to get over it.

"My sister gave it to me ..." he stopped suddenly.

He clapped her forehead and turned on the lock screen of his smartphone.

"Today is April 1st," he murmured.

He took the vial in one hand and, with the ivory wand in the other, exclaimed:

"Show me your secrets!".

The writing on the label changed from 'Shampoo with citrus notes' to 'Permanent color intense red'.

"MORDELIAAAAA!" he screamed as Simon rolled with laughter.

"April Fool!" he managed to exclaim between a laugh and another.

That’s totally inspired by a fanart of @vkelleyart​ 💖 :  that 

------------------------------------------------------------------

5. Trick or treat? 👻

 "Well, Baz! If you don't move, we'll only have the sub-brand candy left!" Simon railed.

With all the peace of mind he could, Baz went down the stairs and joined his screaming boyfriend, who was immediately silent at his sight.

"Morgana, Basilton; you really mean it" Penelope commented, watching him as she lit another candle to put in the Jack o 'lanterns carved by Simon and Baz (which occupied all the flat surfaces of the apartment).

"I've been doing some accurate researches over the last week" he began, making a theatrical gesture in his vampire cloak.

"You even have the same jacket as Gary Oldman" she observed excitedly.

He, in response, gave her a perfidious look, baring his fangs.

Simon was still in his silence and couldn't take his eyes off him.

"What's up Snow, the cat got your tongue?" Baz asked, amused.

He answered with a tongue sticking out and approached him with a raised eyebrow (in perfect Baz style).

"Wow" he commented after kissing him on the cheek.

"Enjoy yourselves!" Penelope exclaimed as they came out hand in hand.

  "Where do we go now?" Baz asked.

Simon moved with great ease between one bell and another, meticulously illustrating the specialties offered by each house.

His phrases were: "Here you can always find top quality stuff", or "No, better to avoid an indigestion".

After scouring all the houses on the first five blocks, Simon had an epiphany.

"For a thousand snakes! Baz, we absolutely have to go to the 'Spooky night' party!" he screamed, making him jump.

"Crowley, Snow! Calm down!" he retorted irritably, adjusting the cuffs of his shirt.

"You don't understand," Simon insisted.

"Our loot is loser when compared to everything you can find there; Strawberry Blood Drip, Every Flavour Beans, Pumpkin PIE, Butterbeer and, hold on ... Oreo with Orange Cream!"

Baz, seeing him so excited ('like a child', he thought), couldn’t say no to him (although he wanted to go home more than anything else; his feet protested against Count Dracula's boots).

"And where would it be?" he asked, trying not to smile.

"A couple of blocks from here; hurry up!" Simon urged him, taking him by the hand and starting to run.

  "A delusion!" Simon snapped, leaving the bag full of sweets on the doormat.

"What happened?" Penelope asked Baz, who had just closed the door behind him and limped desperately as he headed for the sofa.

"In short at that damn party they had finished everything and told us our costumes sucked" he explained.

Simon was with his arms folded, all sulking, sitting in the armchair.

"Look at their costumes! And let me have something to eat, rather!" he barked.

Penelope approached him and, looking at him tenderly, reassured him:

"We always have our repertoire of horror films."

Simon shrugged, hitting the nearby lamp.

"And I was prepared for any eventuality," she went on, snapping her fingers and popping up a pack of Oreos with orange cream.

Simon's face cleared, illuminated by a huge grin.

__________________________________________________

Ty @letraspal​ for tagging me 💕

That’s all; hope u like it!  💜

Happy new Year! ✨

[daybreak-academy-fanfic]

Daybreak Academy: Chapter 21

Case of Invi

Summary: In which Invi goes on a snipe hunt. Word Count: 1,394 First | Previous | Next ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆ ⚬ ☆

Invi was Daybreak Academy's human security system. There were very few things that escaped her constantly watching eye. But there were days, rare ones, where Invi would turn a blind eye and pretend she didn't see or know anything. This would usually happen when Invi wasn't feeling well, or when an event like Aced punching Ira would occur and could blow over in a few days. There were even some holidays that Invi refused to operate at her typical critical eye level, if only to humor the students and faculty.

April Fool's Day was not one of them.

There were to be no jokes, pranks, or flying toilet paper rolls unless Invi agreed to it. Sitting quite prominently on Invi's desk was a list of approved April Fool's shenanigans. The biggest requests were to wear costumes or to dye their friend's hair. Harmless stuff, they were always approved. Ephemer had placed a request to go around with silly string, on the pretense he only use it on his friends. Considering the boy only had a small handful of friends outside the headmasters, Invi approved it. Then there were other generic requests Invi let slide: whoopee cushions, joy buzzers, and x-ray goggles, for example. A firm knock on her door caused Invi to look up. She ignored it at first- anyone who needed her attention could just come on in, after all. But the knocking continued. And continued. And continued.

“You may come in.” Invi said, trying hard not to sound annoyed. But the knocking did not stop. Giving a sigh, Invi started to head toward the door.

When the headmaster opened the door, no one was there.

“Classy...” she grumbled under her breath. As she started to shut her door again, she noticed an envelope attached to her door. Raising an eyebrow, Invi took the envelope and went back into her office. She casually strolled back to her desk as she looked the envelope over. Something was inside of it, but she couldn't get a good feel on what.

Invi reached for her letter opener, then peeled back the glue holding the envelope together. A very undignified noise of surprise came from Invi's lips as glitter exploded from the envelope. She looked down at the mess in distaste. Most of the glitter had landed on her, but a good bit still ended up on the floor. Invi felt really bad for the custodial man when he came around- this glitter was going to take weeks to get rid of, if ever.

The headmaster then looked back inside the envelope. There was a letter stuck inside, trapped in the springs needed to launch the glitter in the air. Carefully, Invi pulled the letter out. It was surprisingly clean for something that had been surrounded in glitter three minutes ago. The message on the letter was written in a simple format with easy to read handwriting;

'There's a snipe on the loose,

Only Headmaster Invi can find it!

But she has to follow our clues

(completely through and through)

Or else the snipe will surely flit!'

A small half smile crossed Invi's lips. She turned the letter over, finding that it continued on the other side, written in a completely different handwriting. This was a bit more curly than the other, with a lot of unnecessary loops and curls at the end of each letter.

'The arts have eyes. But one is very sleepy…'

Invi raised a bemused eyebrow as she set the letter down. So someone wanted her to go on a snipe hunt, huh? Well, she didn't authorize it, but it must have been for some reason. The first clue seemed pretty simple; the only place that held artwork was on the lower areas of the main building. Figuring that she didn't have much else to do, Invi started to make her way out of her office- leaving behind her a small cloud of glitter.

“Urg, I hate glitter.”

. . .

For a moment, Invi didn't know whether to laugh or just continue to stare. Someone had placed googly eyes on every student artwork on display. It didn't matter what it was, if it was in the open, there were googly eyes attached to it. Invi moved a bit closer to one of the paintings on display and realized that the eyes were put on with poster putty. So obviously this snipe hunt wasn't being organized by the Ursus or Leopardus houses; those students wouldn't have wasted an opportunity at mild, and possibly permanent, vandalism.

Invi continued to look along the rows of googly eyed artwork. She only stopped when she realized that one painting had a different set of eyes than the others; this one had a pair with painted on half-lidded eyes. Figuring this was the place of the next clue, Invi took a careful step forward to remove the painting from the wall. Sure enough, there was a small note on the back, so she took it off then placed the painting back on the wall. This clue was written in a small chicken scratch;

'TP belongs in the water. But is it flowing today?'

The Anguis headmaster moved her head from side to side as she thought the clue over. TP surely stood for toilet paper, right? But having it in water that flows? The only 'flowing water' on campus was the water fountain in the plaza right inside the school gates. By the way the clue was worded, it almost sounded like someone was trying to clog the...

Invi's eyes grew wide in terror.

No way. There was no way anyone would do that. For the love of the Nine Old Men, please tell her someone didn't do it! Invi quickly turned on her heel and ran as fast as her feet could take her. She prayed to anyone listening -the Nine Old Men, Ub Iwerks, Mary Blair, anyone!- that someone didn't try to clog the school's fountain as a prank.

When she finally saw the fountain, Invi was so relieved that she almost cried. There was toilet paper decorating the fountain, but all the water had been drained in advance. Sitting there quite innocently on the fountain's edge was the next clue. As Invi tried to calm herself, she then deduced that this hunt wasn't from the Unicornis or Vulpes houses either. The students in Vulpes were too kind hearted to TP something as important as the school's fountain, and the students in Unicornis were too dignified to use anything but party streamers.

The next note had the most atrocious handwriting so far- looking like it was done quickly and without any thought of being legible;

'The snipe is at the dorms. But I hear he's hungry.'

That was… awfully blunt, to say the least. Which ever student decided to write this note didn't seem to have much of an imagination. The note wasn't very specific on which dorms she were to go to, but by now she had a good inkling on which house it was. Invi gave a small grunt as she started to head toward the Anguis dorms.

Invi walked up to the Anguis dorms as if she were about to reprimand someone. In between the dorms, there were a few students operating a pie stand. When they saw her, they waved at Invi. Invi kept a straight face as she headed toward them.

“So,” Invi casually said to the three students waiting for her, “Where's this snipe I was meant to find?”

“Right here!” one student from behind her cheerfully declared. Invi turned around to face this student, and instead was smacked in the face with a cream filled pie. The four students then erupted into a loud laughter at the same time Invi gave a sharp gasp in surprise. When the headmaster didn't come out of her shock, the Anguis students stopped laughing to look at her in fear.

“H-headmaster Invi?” one of them cautiously asked. “Are you alright? It was just a little prank...”

Invi turned to the student who had talked before her eyes trailed down to one of the extra pies. Tilting her head, Invi picked up the pie and looked back at the student. To their surprise, Invi smashed the pie into the student's face.

Her smile was only half visible when she told them, “Now we're even.”

[the-reverse-mermaid]

1 through 98

oh? oh??? 

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? energetic

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? 

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? 

7. earbuds or headphones?

8. movies or tv shows?

9. favorite smell in the summer? flowers

10. game you were best at in p.e.? four square

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? eggs in some form, but it’s my breakfast AND lunch because i get home form work around 11:30am, and I’m generally not hungry at 4:30am when I leave, so.

12. name of your favorite playlist? “Current favs”

13. lanyard or key ring? 

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? hot tomales tied with sour gummy worms

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? A Tale of Two Cities

16. most comfortable position to sit in? tummy-down on the floor

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? VERY ratty blue converse

18. ideal weather? sunny and windy

19. sleeping position? on left side/ on back/ sometimes on tummy

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? 

21. obsession from childhood? Danny Phantom & mermaids

22. role model? Joan of Arc, and lotsa others

23. strange habits? fingerspelling, brushing my teeth for like 15 min

24. favorite crystal? quartz

25. first song you remember hearing? the lullaby that came out of my stuffed rabbit

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? swim/ nap

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? go on walks/ nap

28. five songs to describe you? Self Portrait by Stephanie Smith, Glorious by David Archuleta, Shatter Me by Lindsay Stirling, My, Myself and Time by Demi Lovato, and Paper Tigers by Owl City 

29. best way to bond with you? let me talk about my favorite things

30. places that you find sacred? LDS temples, esp the Orlando temple

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? My spider-man hoodie and sweats 

32. top five favorite vines? I don’t know any vines…(sweats)

33. most used phrase in your phone? K

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? none 

35. average time you fall asleep? Like how long it takes to fall asleep? If it’s a good night, like 10 min; if it’s a bad night, several hours

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? oh gosh. I remember where I was when I heard the term meme for the first time. It was about rage comics, I think it was the freaking troll face in like, 2011.

37. suitcase or duffel bag? 

38. lemonade or tea?

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? One time I came to class a few minutes late and nobody was there and the whiteboard said “class is longboarding outside” and i was really confused…walked back out of the room, saw my whole class down the hall laughing at me…It was April Fool’s Day.

41. last person you texted? my sister and brother in law, with whom i have a text conversation solely to send them the weirdest images i can find

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? 

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

44. favorite scent for soap? Christmas tree scent

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? 

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? sweats and t-shirt tho i often wake up to find i have stripped in the night

47. favorite type of cheese? mozzarella

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? Apple

49. what saying or quote do you live by? decisions determine destiny

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? it’s called the boob game and it’s what my family plays on car trips and i invented it and for some reason it was/is hilarious despite it’s immaturity; you just look around at billboards and signs and replace one word with the word ‘boob’

51. current stresses? i gotta grade some papers for my TA job and I’m procrastinating it

52. favorite font? comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands? clipped unpainted nails (the way i like); probably need some lotion

54. what did you learn from your first job? money is nice

55. favorite fairy tale? The Boy Who Drew Cats

56. favorite tradition? decorating cookies at Christmas

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? ED, rejection from animation program, LDS missionary service

58. four talents you’re proud of having? drawing, writing essays, writing stories, listening

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? listen up buddy

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? mermaids/mythical creatures

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? From The Knife of Never Letting Go by Patrick Ness: “In this world of numbness and information overload, the ability to feel is a rare gift indeed”

62. seven characters you relate to? Hiccup (HTTYD), Kiki (Kiki’s Delivery Service), Ned (SM:Hoco), Kit (Unicorn Store), Aunt Cass (BH6), Danny (DP)

63. five songs that would play in your club? It would be an Owl City only club

64. favorite website from your childhood? neopets, baby

65. any permanent scars? In my left armpit I have a long scar from a heart surgery when I was a baby

66. favorite flower(s)? I adore the smell of daffodils 

67. good luck charms? a leaf necklace given to me by a friend 

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? i hate tootsie rolls

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? human DNA and banana DNA is 50% identical

70. left or right handed? right

71. least favorite pattern? don’t have a least fav

72. worst subject? statistics

73. favorite weird flavor combo? this is more texture than flavor, but i like eating cake in a bowl of milk 

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 6

75. when did you lose your first tooth? in childhood (i don’t remember)

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? 

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? ur asking me? idk, i can’t grow stuff

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? 

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

82. pc or console?

83. writing or drawing?

84. podcasts or talk radio?

84. barbie or polly pocket?

85. fairy tales or mythology?

86. cookies or cupcakes?

87. your greatest fear? hopelessness 

88. your greatest wish? happiness

89. who would you put before everyone else? my nephew and niece

90. luckiest mistake? tumblr…lucky bc of the homies

91. boxes or bags? 

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

93. nicknames? Bean/Beanie, Spoons, Good Cop

94. favorite season? Spring

95. favorite app on your phone? whichever one holds my current obsession 

96. desktop background? President Nelson on a swing (Russel M Nelson is the current prophet of the Church and he’s an adorable old man who i love)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? Two, mine and my mom’s

98. favorite historical era? I don’t think I have one

[thosedamnsmoshkids]

GHOST HUNTERS AU HEADCANONS

A series of headcanons to create an overarching universe for the Ghost Hunters. because legit i couldn't think of a fic. Everything's the same, except for Smosh started as a channel devoted to everything supernatural and mysterious. Ian and Anthony created it to discuss supernatural happenings. It later extended, and instead of just being a weekly a talk show hosted by Ian and Anthony, it branched out into Supernatural Investigation Channel, (Smoshernatural), run by the Games crew, and much later a True Crime channel, (Smosh True Crime), run by the quintessential Smosh squad. After Anthony left the company, Ian moved to work behind the scene. He frequently guest stars, but not as much as he used to. Smosh True Crime The True Crime gang consists of the Smosh Squad, but in a somewhat detective form. They write and produce episode independently of one another, and most people recognize the styles of each member. The channel has three different running shows, Conspiracy!, which is conspiracy theory show written, directed and hosted by Noah; The Lab, a show about crime scene investigation/clean up and such; as well as a Q&A show hosted by a rotating cast called Visiting Hours. There is a running event every April Fool’s where the channel releases a fake True Crime case that parodies their own style, and is focused on a joke made from one of their videos throughout the year. Some of these have been videos have been, Shayne’s gruesome murder following the destruction of Damien’s golden cat, (which in this instance was a cat totem that Damien keeps on his desk on the Smoshernatural version of ‘Visiting Hours’); a Video on the cryptid CFM, or the strange creature known as Courtney Freaking Miller; and a video on the ‘disappearance of Anthony’, which aired on the April Fool’s after he left the channel. Smoshernatural It was originally hosted by Ian, Anthony, Joven, Lasercorn, Sohinki and Mari, and they would go around to different locations investigating, and bonded as a group. After some time, it was whittled down to the group of four (Joven, Lasercorn, Sohinki and Mari), with the addition of Wes, who is their fearless cameraman who became popular within the fandom for literally never freaking out, no matter what creepy location they’re in. Boze and Damien ran their own channel that focused on the spiritual side of the supernatural. Their channel was bought by Smosh, and the two were added to the cast, which created a new element that the show had never had before. Damien’s a medium, and there have been several bits based around Boze making fun of him for it. Boze herself works with a more summoning aspect, and works with portals and ouija boards. The channel has three shows as well, with Smoshernatural being their main pull and focus. It follows the gang to different locations to look for evidence, and it usually ends with one of them trying to get themselves possessed. Cryptid Cases is hosted by Mari and Joven, and focuses in on all things alien, cryptid, and basically anything that’s not ghost oriented, (the set is often crashed by Lasercorn wearing a tinfoil hat). The final show is a slight copy of Visiting Hours, and acts as a Q&A for the Smoshernatural channel. Coroner’s Report is hosted mainly by Damien, but it almost always has guests. Miscellaneous Headcanons - Boze has called the ghosts ‘little bitches’ more than 40 times, her record in a single episode is 13. - Lasercorn is a member of the ‘Tin Foil Hat Club’, and in all of the alien Cryptid cases, he wears his green morph suit, a pair of alien sunglasses and a tinfoil hat that grows throughout the course of the episode. - The True Crime Squad and the Smoshernatural crew have switched channels once, and had each of the Smoshernatural kids produce a True Crime episode, while they sent the True Crime squad to Waverly Sanitorium, a place even Sohinki said creeped him out, for an investigation. Needless to say, those videos have scored highly among fans, though the squad has said that they would never do it again. - Sohinki holds the record for the most times asking to be possessed, which was used as the basis for an April Fool’s episode. - Despite the fact that Damien is a medium, Joven has actually had the most experience with ghosts. The house he grew up is, by his claims, is very haunted. He, and Damien, have confirmed that there are five ghosts that live on the property, which is a farmhouse that was owned by his great-grandparents. The ghosts in the house consist of a ghost cat, a ghost dog, both of Joven’s grandparent who passed in the house, and a soldier believed to have been buried on the property. Joven has claimed to have seen apparitions of all of these, most notably the soldier, who walks the grounds during storms, banging on the front door and back doors to try to get people to let him in. They have done an episode on the house, but only managed to get some sketchy audio recordings, though both Damien and Boze believe that there are presences in the house. - Wes is the fearless cameraman, and is one of the only people on the Smosh team, besides Noah, who doesn’t believe in ghosts. He says that he ‘got close’ to believing while they were at the Sallie House a few years back, but he blames it on the nervous energy that was in the air, and that fact that he was sick. - Shayne and Damien are best friends, and met on the set of a True Crime special that tried to solve old cases by talking to the dead. They remained friends afterwards, and Damien and Shayne were both featured on the other’s respective channel before Damien was hired by Smosh. - Courtney holds the current record for the most viewed video on the True Crime channel. She re-enacted the murder of a young starlet in a film noir style, compete with a grizzled narrator, and stunning visuals in black and white. Courtney was praised for her use of the color red, which accented the blood, the woman’s lipstick, her dress, the red of a stop sign, and a car. The whole endeavor took her three months. - Keith is known for his artistic, jagged style, and most of his videos are completely animated. He focuses on the deaths of artists, which is exemplified by the kinds of visuals and music he uses. His art style is well known, and has improved during the years he’s worked for the company. His first video, which was his first time animating, is now used as a meme in the fandom. - Though Mari believes in ghosts, cryptids are her real passion. She started Cryptid Cases, and is the main host, appearing in all of the videos, unlike Joven, who is switched out for other Smosh members who better suit the episode content, (aliens for Lasercorn, angels and light beings for Damien, the devil and demons for Boze). There is a running joke that Mari is secretly a shape shifting cryptid, due to several strange photos that the cast has taken over the years that don’t quite look like them, and in reality it’s actually Mari slowly learning their form to take their place. She has yet to deny this fact. - Unlike most of the cast, Noah is very into conspiracy theories, and follows the stories of the dark web very closely. He created his show, Conspiracy! to shine a light on some of these topics, and had released a few before his show was put on semi-hiatus. Noah has said that he created enough to take it off hiatus for the next few months, but that some of them could’ve gotten him in trouble because of where he got his information. He has brought on guests for a few episodes, but they’re mostly just Shayne, who also shares an interest in conspiracy theories. - Joven has had a ghost hit on him, twice. - One of the oldest and most beloved jokes of the fandom and the cast is the theory that Olivia might be an immortal. The joke started when a twitter user tweeted at Olivia with a photograph of her great-grandmother that looked strangely like her. Olivia replied with a very vague tweet that prompted the entirety of the fandom to start going through a deep dive, and actually found several other photos that looked like they could’ve been of Olivia. It has been referenced in several videos, but Olivia has said nothing helpful to her case when the topic comes up. - Sohinki is known for his love of mothman, and he has confirmed that he owns a mothman body pillow as well as several mothman t-shirts and at least one replica of the silver mothman statue. - Boze once had her phone go haywire after using an ouija board to curse someone through her phone. - Wes, in an episode of Coroner’s Report, has said that the scaredest he’s ever been was when they were filming an episode at a haunted cabin in Wisconsin, and that he believes there were eyes watching him in the woods. and that's kinda it so far. hopefully i'll add to this, and feel free to add some stuff yourself, or use it for a fic, i'd cry happy, happy tears. Housekeeping & General Announcements Crime Does Pay Chapter 11 will hopefully be up tommorow, Finals have been kicking my ASS. After this chapter, there's a possiblity there might be a slight week long hiatus while i work on the new project introduced below For those of you who saw, I was writing like a college/paranormal au thingy, and the first chapter of that is done, and there's a chance that it'll be uploaded if i can get the energy to edit it. and boy oh boy, we got damien the unwilling psychic, goth girl olivia, and really everything you want in a mystery thriller. The Five Part Serial, The Ghosts of Mayweather, Begins Tonight

[internationalfandomgirl]

The April Fool

Characters: Misha Collins, Reader, Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Alex Calvert

Pairing: Mixha x Reader

Length:  1,658 Words

Summary: April Fools Day is the day that most of the crew of Supernatural feared. Jared, Jensen, and Misha were pranksters all the time anyways, but usually this day was 100 times worse. The crew was nervous and they should have been, the kings of pranks were on set today.

Warnings:  swearing, pranks oh Chuck the pranks!, Reader is an evil genius

A/N: This is my entry for @thing-you-do-with-that-thing‘s Bloom of Spring, Seasons of Love challenge. My prompt was April Fools Day. I had a lot of fun with this coming up with different pranks, and then the Twitter prank of March 22, 2018 happened and that added fuel to the fire. I hope you all enjoy, because I enjoyed writing it!

Masterlist

**Not my gif**

April Fools Day is the day that most of the crew of Supernatural feared. Jared, Jensen, and Misha were pranksters all the time anyways, but usually this day was 100 times worse. The crew was nervous and they should have been, the kings of pranks were on set today.

“Morning guys,” Jared said with a yawn to Jensen and Misha as they walked into his trailer. “I’m just gonna grab a water, you guys want anything?” Looking back over his shoulder seeing them shake their heads no turning back to the fridge as he opened it. “Holy fuck!”

“What? What’s wrong,” Jensen jumped out of his seat going to Jared.

“My fridge is now staring at me.” Jensen burst into uncontrollable laughter as he comes up beside his best friend.

“Wait what,” Misha asked standing up to take a look joining Jensen in his laughter. Every item in the fridge had two googly eyes glued to them.

“Okay, which one of you did this,” demanded Jared.

Both Jensen and Misha held up their hands replying in tandem, “don’t look at me.” Jared eyed his friends suspiciously before shaking his head and shutting the door.

“Whatever, let’s go. Let’s get this show on the road.” Jared lead the way to the stage to start the day of filming.

The boys were given a short break during filming to reset the stage for the next scene.

“Ohhh chocolate chip cookies, my favorite,” Jensen exclaimed as he picked one up to take a bite. “Pft! That is not a chocolate chip cookie,” Jensen spit out the offending food.

“What is it? Raisin,” Jared enquired.

“Nope, potatoes and black beans. That was a let down.” Jensen shared a bitch face with Jared. “Guess I will just have a doughnut,” Jensen lifted the lid to the Krispy Kreme box. “Oh come on!”

Jared broke out laughing. Whipping away a tear, “Oh that’s a good one,” he stated before grabbing an apple out of the doughnut box. “Misha was this your doing?” Misha reached for a chocolate egg before turning to Jared.

“The vegetables? Heck no!” Misha unwrapped his egg and took a bite. “Ahhhh! Pft!” A slimy yellow mess came flying out of his mouth. “Okay, who dipped a raw egg in chocolate,” he yelled out. The crew all looked up with shocked expressions on their face.

“That wasn’t you? Man, you are really dedicated to your own pranks. Falling for one yourself trying to make it seem like you are not the one doing it,” Jensen narrowed his eyes at his friend.

“It’s not me! I swear!”

“Misha open up” Alex demanded as he pounded on the trailer door.

“Dude, what has your panties in a bunch,” queried Jensen.

“Which of you Asshats did it,” seethed Alex.

“Did what?” Jared rose from his spot motioning for Alex to sit down.

“Here let me get you a drink, I was already getting something for these two then you can tell us what is going on,” Misha offered. Alex sat in the seat offered him as Jared moved to sit next to Jensen on the sofa.

“Sorry, I’m out of the good stuff, Coke will have to do,” Misha apologized setting four glasses on the table, “now what did one of us supposedly do?”

Alex let out a deep sigh, “I went back to my trailer after that last scene. I had left a box of cereal on the counter after lunch, and when I came back it was knocked over and there looked to be a mouse in it. I freaked out and threw the box outside. I then went into the bathroom to wash my hands and there was another mouse in there. I grabbed a broom and smacked it. Well when I looked down it wasn’t a mouse. It was a fucking beetroot. So which one of you jerks did it?” Alexed let out a huff as the three oversized children laughed at him.

“God I wish I would have thought of that. That’s a good one,” Jared exclaimed as he lifted his drink to his lips, “Ahhh! What the hell?!” The drink exploded in his face as the other glasses did the same thing.

“Misha, what did you do,” Jensen glared as he drew a hand across his face clearing the liquid off of himself.

“I...I didn’t do anything,” Misha stuttered.

“There are mentos in the ice cubes. Damn it Misha,” Jared hollered as he made is way to the bathroom to clean up. The door shut behind him with a bang. A moment later Jensen, Alex, and Misha heard a loud pop and Jared yelped, “Damn it Misha!”

“I didn’t do anything! What now?!”

A seething Jared stormed out of the bathroom, “poppers under the toilet seat, really?”

“It wasn’t me! Why would I do that to my own bathroom? I swear, someone is doing this, it’s a setup I swear!”

“Whatever, let’s just go over to my trailer for this read through.”

The boys headed over to Jared’s trailer where there was a cake sitting on the counter. “Dude that cake looks awesome let’s dig in,” Jensen smiled before grabbing a knife from the drawer. Cutting into the cake he sighed, “really Jay? I thought you were over Misha’s pranks but you do one yourself?”

“What are you talking about?”

“This is sponges covered in frosting.”

“It’s you! You are doing this and trying to set everything up to look like I’m pranking everyone, aren’t you,” Misha questioned as he peered at Jared.

Alex laughed as he sat down on the sofa and grabbed a handful of skittles tossing them into his mouth. “Dude that is gross!”

“What,” Jensen asked.

“When you are expecting Skittles but it is a handful Skittles, M&M’s, and Reese's Pieces all together it is gross. What kind of twisted person are you man?” Jared looked shocked at Alex’s question.

“I would never do that and you know it. Here, I have Mike and Ikes, and Tootsie Rolls,” he handed the candy container to Alex.

“Thanks,” Alex pulled out a Tootsie Roll putting the rest of the container in his lap. “Seriously man, come on,” he said holding up a carrot.

“Who has been messing with my candy stash? Which one of you jerks did this?” Jared was met with three shocked faces.

There was a knock at the door, “Ummm Mr. Padalecki you are needed on set, We can’t find Mr. Ackles, Collins, or Calvert, please tell me you are in there,” a PA called.

“They are in here, we will be there in a minute. Let’s just drop this and get today over with.”

“Dude, you hacked my Twitter again,” Jared groans.

“No I didn’t, I swear,” Misha defended himself.

“Then why do I have a tweets says, ‘I wish I could be more like Misha Collins’ huh?”

“I don’t know!”

“You even responded to it you ass!”

“I don’t even have my phone, how could I have responded? Look, Jensen and Alex responded too. One of them must be setting me up!”

“Hey! Don’t drag me into this. I don’t have my phone either.” All of them looked towards Alex.

“What? My phone is in Jared’s trailer, I left it in there accidentally!”

“Who the hell is doing all of this,” Jensen wondered out loud.

“I don’t know, but my phone is in Jared’s trailer too, let’s go back there. Maybe we will find some clues,” Misha stated.

“See look, my phone is right there and here is Misha’s,” Alex said with relief.

“Seriously, who the hell is doing this? Has the crew finally gotten enough of our pranks and are retaliating,” Jensen wonders aloud.

“Hello boys,” you say spinning in your chair, “how was your day?” You smile sweetly at your husband and friends.

“Truthfully sweetheart it’s been the worst. You know how these two are always pulling pranks on me?” You nod, “well someone has been setting up pranks trying to frame me in all of it?”

“Is that so? That sounds like the ultimate April Fools Day prank, pranking people and making it seem like it was someone else.” You were trying your hardest to keep a straight face.

Jared, Alex, and Jensen all looked at each other before turning back to you, “it was you” they exclaimed together at the same time. You busted out laughing as a huge smile rose on your face.

“Busted.”

“What? It was you?” Misha looked shocked at the turn of events.

“I’m sorry love, but sometimes you are too easy of a target. Plus you are all pretty dumb to leave your phones unlocked. I mean really, you are all easy targets.”

“But how did you do it? How did you not get caught? There are so many people on this lot and no one has seen you going in and out,” Alex said giving you a quizzical look.

You shrugged your shoulders, “What can I say, I’m a ninja.” You send a wink to your husband who is staring at his phone.

“Oh come on! Everyone on twitter thinks I did this too,” he wines.

“Nope, not all. There is one person who said something about Alex having all of our phones and using it for payback,” Jensen laughs.

“Well I think we should set this straight,” Jared says pulling up Facebook live shaking the phone at you, “shall we?”

“Yes! We need to let the world know who exactly the mastermind is behind all of this before people start writing fanfiction about all of this. We need to tell the world that my wife is an evil genius!”

“Awww Mish, won’t that upset your Overlord status,” you chuckle at him.

“Worth it,” he says leaning in and giving you a kiss as Jared starts up the live feed.

[jandjsalmon]

11 Questions Tag

I was tagged by the ever lovely @southsidesserpent  @theheavycrown and @bride-of-hobo (who stole like a million of my own answers so I stole a bunch of her questions. lol) - thank you, guys! <3

Post the Rules

Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

Write 11 questions of your own

Tag 11 people

First the questions from @southsidesserpent

1. Top 3 fic recommendations? (not top - just 3 I love)

La Petite Mort by @believe-that-you-can-my-friend

heaven help a fool who falls in love by @lessoleilscouchants

Bughead Bottle Fic #1: The Phone Call by MyMissus (oof1dficreally)

2. Are you more academic, athletic, or artistic?

I’ve always been more academic for sure.

3. Who is your favourite character on Riverdale?

Jughead Jones

4. Top 5 favourite songs?

Bizarre Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny Walkin’ After Midnight - Patsy Cline  Moonlight Serenade - Glenn Miller Orchestra  Starman - David Bowie 

5. Any allergies?

Only to Demerol.

6. If you were to meet two characters from Riverdale, who would you meet?

Characters? Kevin Keller and Betty Cooper

7. Opinions on Bughead?

Endgame. 

8. 3 of your favourite writers on Tumblr?

@ficmuse @itsindiansummer13 @shirlygallagher

9. fuck, marry, kill: Toni, Sweet Pea, Fangs.

F: Fangs M: Sweet Pea K: Toni

10. Name 5 things you like about yourself?

My laugh. That I’m passionate about stuff that I love. The way that I parent The sound of my own voice. (ha ha) That I care more about other people than I do for myself.

11. Anything you are excited for?

Hawaii in April for my husbandd’s birthday.

Now the questions from @theheavycrown 

1. If you were a character on Riverdale who was murdered crucial to the ‘conflict of the season,’ how would you have died?

Poisoned by Maple Syrup (it’s a frame-up to point towards the Blossoms... only plot twist - it WAS the Blossoms (because who would ever believe that a Blossom would actually use maple syrup))

2. We know Jug’s favourite toy, what do you think Betty’s favourite toy was growing up?

Caramel - her stuffed calico cat.

3. Name 5 things you think are in Jughead’s backpack.

His laptop. 

Whatever book he’s reading. 

His headphones.  

Photo of He and Jellybean at the drive-in

Phone charger. (I’m so boring - but this is what I can’t live without)

4. What is something that is accepted as normal in Riverdale universe, but stands out as absurd to you?

I’m stealing Chelsea’s answer here. The weather. 100%.

5. How do you think Jughead pays for all that Pop’s food?

I think Pop’s tells him it’s on his tab... but never keeps track of any of it.

6. If Veronica had a snapchat, what would her favourite filter be?

Flower Crown

7. What do you think Cheryl’s guilty pleasure food is?

Chocolate Cherry Milkshakes.

8. How do you think Vegas came to the Andrews household?

Fred brought him home to celebrate Archie’s first day of Kindergarten.

9. Bughead just had their first child, what do imagine they name it?

If it’s a girl - Juliet Elizabeth Jones.  If it’s a boy - Forsythe Pendleton Jones IV (but Penn for short)

10. First thought that pops into your head, headcanon of how Jellybean got her name?

Juggie saw her ultrasound picture and commented that she looked like a wee jellybean - and it stuck.

11. Bughead are getting married tomorrow. What do they dance to first at their wedding?

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex. 

and finally questions from the gorgeous @bride-of-hobo - thanks! <3

1. What are the core four’s college majors? Minors?

Archie: Music with an Education minor (but he’s there on a football scholarship) Veronica: Business with a minor in Philanthropic Management. Betty: Journalism with a minor in Communications Jughead: Creative Writing with a minor in Film Studies

2. Betty heads the Prom planning committee, because of course she does. And Toni joins, because she needs an extracurricular for her college applications. Three weeks later, they’re the only two people to sign up. So they have to choose the theme together. What do they go with?

Carpe Diem - and the decor is Roman columns and ancient ruins.

3. Veronica makes a Spotify playlist for Archie on their six month anniversary. What three songs are must-haves for her?

Florence + The Machine - Never Let Me Go 

Tom Odell  - Grow Old with Me 

Kodaline - High Hopes

4. Which character were you drawn to first when you watched your first episode of Riverdale? And why?

Betty Cooper. She was so inherently kind and helpful and a genuinely GOOD PERSON - and her heart is broken which I relate to and understand.

5. Name two platonic pairings - friendships, frenemies, enemies, characters who’ve never interacted but you want to see how they’d play off each other - that you think deserve more screen time.

They’ve interacted before - but minimally. Veronica and Jughead and their friendship/conflict deserve more screen time (with no lip action, obviously).

6. If it wasn’t spoiled for you before you watched Riverdale, who did you suspect killed Jason Blossom? 

Hal Cooper.

7. What is Jughead Jones’ senior yearbook quote?

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.  -Friedrich Nietzsche

8. Betty has something inscribed in Jughead’s wedding band before he slides it on his finger on their big day. What does it say?

Pari passu  which means ‘With equal step’ in Latin (according to @mothermaple - it’s properly pretentious for Juggie. lol)

9. If you could pick any song for the Pussycats to cover, what would it be?

Bizarre Love Triangle.

10. Seriously, Archie has to choose between music and football. What’s it gonna be?

Music. But only after football gets him into college.

11. The ultimate question: Did Betty and Jughead make it to the bedroom? Or was their first time on the couch? (And if it was… did they turn off the TV?)

Absolutely not. First time was on that couch with the weather in the background. Second time was in the shower. Third time was in the bedroom. 

MY QUESTIONS:

What is the one book Jughead always carries with him in his messenger bag?

If you were singing karaoke with the cast of Riverdale, which song would it be and who would you sing your duet with?

What is your favourite article of clothing?

Where did you go on your best first date?

What is your favourite quote?

Best Advice you ever got??

Where will Betty and Juggie go on their honeymoon?

Bughead just had their first child, what do imagine they name it?

Top 5 favourite songs?

fuck, marry, kill: Archie, Reggie, or Moose?

3 of your favourite writers on Tumblr?

I tag: @mothermaple @aunt-imogene @bugggghead @billyeatyourgrapes @heytherejones @beanie-betty @stillscape @riverdalelovee @paperlesscrown @stark @flannelfogarty

[reviewkidoodle]

7 Ways to Make Life Work with Kids

I’ve had so many people say to me “how are you do it all?!?” and so today I thought I’d share with you my top seven tips. If you are new to the blog we have two biological children, ages 7 and 5, and 17 month old twins that we are in the process of adopting. Our goal is for us to lead a full life but not a hectic or crazy one (although sometimes it’s both hectic and crazy!). These tips will reduce chaos in your home and in your mind plus will give you and your children some semblance of calmness and order. And please know that many times our home feels like it’s lacking calmness simply because there are children with an abundance of energy running around… this isn’t a fool proof guide to leading a simple life but when AJ and I follow these guidelines it’s amazing how much easier our life seems to go.

Prioritize what is most important at that moment.

Without a doubt that has had to be the number one operating principle. I can’t do it all. I can’t get out the door with four kids and have them be on time to things and leave a perfectly clean house each morning. So I choose to have everyone look decent and be on time for school (often the babies are still in PJs while I do this) and know I can deal with the house when I get back from school drop off and errands. As Emily Ley says “I will hold myself to a standard of grace not perfection”.

Another example, dinner prep time isn’t always the easiest time of day. Sometimes I just throw the towel in and say “I’m not going to have a pulled together house when AJ gets home… but I’m going to have happy kids” and I’ll let the babies throw everything out of the cabinets. I pick my battles.

Early morning is key.

We have done our errands bright and early since Drew was little. If I am at stores when they open or shortly after everyone is in better shape because of it. There are less people at the store which means it’s just an easier shopping trip to start off with and I’m getting everything over with right before naps. I always find the traffic to be a lot less when I go first thing as well so just getting there starts me off on the right foot. Sometimes just the 15 minute power nap that the babies take in the car is enough to push them through to the later napping time I like (earlier naps = hellish dinner prep hour).

Have a “uniform”.

This spring my uniform has been a pair of skinny jeans (I rotate between two pairs, but mostly these affordable white skinnies that I buy in petite because I’m 5’3) and a cute top with leather flip flops or wedges. All summer long I wear dresses or bathing suits every day. I don’t even own a pair of shorts (other than running shorts). The simple choice of choosing a dress keeps me looking pulled together and takes about half a second to decide what to wear (even faster than choosing which workout clothes to put on!!!). I do the majority of my shopping at Marshalls or J. Crew Factory (I regularly get their emails announcing sales and wait to purchase items for when they are having additional percentages off).

The kids clothes are from an amazing kids consignment shop, Marshalls or J. Crew Factory. I feel like I’m purchasing clothes constantly but I have the same general principles with them to making picking out clothes simple. Elle has a closet full of dresses and Drew has a few pairs of shorts / jeans that he will pair with cute t-shirts from J. Crew Factory or polo shirts.

We’ve taught our kids ownership

Every morning Drew and Elle need to make their bed in a 5 star way (5 star differs for each age) and then I like to have them spend at least 10 minutes every day neatening up their room. This is flexible… some days it’s 10 minutes, some days it’s zero and some days it’s 30 minutes.

They will help sort laundry and always put their own clothes away (I will do all the hang up stuff). I never fold their clothes. I let them just put it directly into the drawer and if it needs to be ironed I’ll do that for them in the morning. I can’t even begin to tell you how much stress it saves from not folding everyone’s things.

I cannot stress enough how important it’s been to give them jobs from a young age because now, even though they will sometimes moan and groan about their jobs, they generally know what’s expected of them (and yes, I still usually have to encourage them to do their jobs… they aren’t that good yet ;)).

This Melissa & Doug job chart is a pretty good one if you want a reusable one!

TV Time

We hide our TV behind the painting!

This is a hotly debated topic but I have zero problem with letting them watch some TV if it helps me get stuff done. They can watch a show in the morning if it’s before 6:30am while I get breakfast and lunches together and then watch another show while I make dinner if their rooms are clean, homework is done and the downstairs is picked up. The TV is right in the kitchen area so I always know what they are watching.

We don’t have cable to save money, we instead subscribe to Netflix and Amazon Prime (which has some great kids TV shows and movies!).

Timers

Timers are one of my go-to tricks for all areas of my life. Often I will set the timer for five minutes and give the kids that amount of time to run upstairs and get their clothes on. Then three minutes to brush their teeth. Five minutes to make the bed… you catch my drift. It’s never a race of the kids going against each other (because I always find that results in fighting) but it’s a race against themselves.

I do the same thing for myself and I’ve started memorizing how long it takes me to actually do things. I know emptying and putting away everything from the dishwasher takes between 5-6 minutes. Cleaning my kitchen floor takes 10 minutes. Scrubbing a toilet takes about one minute. Breaking down jobs into little bite sized pieces changes the way cleaning looks. So at the end of the night, when everyone is finally in bed, all I want to do is sit on the couch but I know I need to clean the kitchen and vacuum the floor (ps: this is my favorite vacuum ever ,it’s super affordable and even works for cleaning the car!). Knowing that I can have the kitchen looking pretty spotless in 20 minutes seems manageable most nights. But some nights I’ll just set the timer for 10 minutes and tell myself that’s all I have to do… it’s a mind game. I hustle for 10 minutes and then I’m on such a roll most times I end up spending an additional 10 minutes polishing the space off.

Plan Plan Plan… and don’t be afraid to say no

I would be totally lost without my planner. I need to write everything down and check in with my planner at the beginning of each day to make sure I know what’s going on. Often I will write down my to-do items in specific spots in the scheduled part of the day so I know I can fit them in.

Recently I said no to a really fun morning book club with some of my best girlfriends because it was one of my three mornings a week with nothing while the babies were napping. Sometimes to stay sane I just need to say “no” and do stuff around the house… being an introvert means I really need that time by myself to rejuvenate.

Lastly… bonus tip: Say YES to things that rejuvenate.

Work out… even if it’s hard

AJ and I usually give each other time to work out each day. If I know only one of us has a chance to exercise I’ll do my BBG workout with the kids around. It’s total chaos but they see me making a healthy decision and I get it done while being with them… plus they think it’s hysterical to do the exercises with me. (In June I’ll be sharing the results of my 12 weeks doing this program!)

Say YES to getting away

Over April vacation we took the big kids to Florida and stayed at my in-laws condo. Say yes to a vacation that saves cash (we didn’t have to pay for a hotel) and gives you much needed time away! Save for it and get it on the schedule!

One of our best times was when when my parents took the kids for a weekend and AJ and I had a staycation in our own home!

Say YES to easy dinners and desserts

For the past six months or so I’ve been obsessed with All Recipes magazine and making the easy meals for my family out of the mag. It’s about $10 for six issues and it’s choc a block full of good ideas.

Also, have some EASY desserts to bring to a friend’s house for dinner. This 10 Minute Chocolate Mousse does the trick.

Say YES to furniture that makes your life easier

In December we traded in our old clip on to the table high chairs for these ridiculously easy to clean plastic ones. I can’t tell you how much less stress these are to keep clean.

 What are YOUR tips for making your home work?

The post 7 Ways to Make Life Work with Kids appeared first on Migonis Home.

7 Ways to Make Life Work with Kids posted first on aireloomreview.blogspot.com

[theycallmebeccawrites]

Chris & Ellie’s Road Trip: Part 2

With Tumblr holding my original writing blog @beccaheartschrisevans captive (aka flagged as explicit), I have made a secondary writing blog and may end up closing the other all together. In the meantime, I am reposting all of my stories on my new blog.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Ellie Spencer-Evans (OFC)

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: language, graphic sex

Story Summary: Chris Evans and his wife, Ellie Spencer-Evans, drive from Los Angeles, California to their rental house near Atlanta, GA in April 2017. A good portion of the trip takes place on Route 66.

Disclaimer: This work of fiction is not to be reposted, used or translated without my permission.

This episode can also be read on AO3 and Wattpad.

The Chris & Ellie Bonus Stories Masterlist | Chris & Ellie Masterlist

Part 1

Chris & Ellie’s Road Trip: Part 2

Day Four - New Mexico to Texas

April 23, 2017

With a planned eight plus hours of driving time, day four started at five am. Unlike their previous early start, Ellie made Chris get out of bed to take the dogs for their walk while she ordered them room service and ran a load of stuff down to the car.

By the time they had finished their jobs, their food had arrived and they sat at the table by the window and ate their breakfast. Pecan waffles for Ellie and chicken and greens for Chris, who was trying to stay on his diet for at least one meal a day.

Thirty minutes later, they were in the car and headed towards the Midpoint Cafe in Adrian, Texas, the halfway point between Santa Monica and Chicago. It was somewhat fitting that their last full day on Route 66 was also the middle day of their road trip.

The drive to Adrian, much like the previous day's drive, found them getting off and on I-40 as Route 66 separated and merged with the interstate. They made a pit stop about halfway through the drive and spent about ten minutes walking around with the dogs, letting them stretch their legs.

While Ellie drove, Chris put on their normal playlist and they sang along for awhile until he got bored. He and Ellie came up with games that they had played in the car as kids that they could still play now.  After ruling out the 'Slug Bug' game, he searched for questions for 'This or That'. He read each question aloud and then they both answered. Sometimes their answers matched: love over money, comedy over horror, and Twitter over Facebook. Other times it was opposite or nearly opposite: he said dogs, she said cats and dogs; he said evening, she said morning; he said snow and she said rain. The questions and their responses had them both laughing at and teasing each other.

Reaching Adrian, they filled up the gas tank and then had a quick bite to eat at the cafe. They took the dogs for a quick walk and potty break before they began the second leg of their day on the road with their final destination for the day being Shamrock, Texas.

Getting back into the car, they drove for nearly an hour before they reached Cadillac Ranch.  Chris took advantage of the fact that no one else was around and sped down the dirt road that led to the ten Cadillacs that had been buried in the Texas dirt and spray painted many a time by visitors. They took turns taking pictures with the cars and then managed to take the world's most awkward selfie with Ellie standing in front of Chris while he attempted to hold both dogs so they could be in the photo as well.

Getting back into the car, they made their way back to the main road and continued their drive. A car accident slowed them down and it took them nearly an hour longer to reach the town of Shamrock.

To kill the time while they waited for the accident to clear, Ellie went online and found some 'Never Have I Ever' questions and started at the first question and read them aloud one by one. Since they couldn't drink, however, they agreed to share the story if it applied. She learned that Chris had once made a fool of himself while trying to impress a girl he liked by skating backwards on his rollerblades, only to run face first into a tree when he turned around. The only thing that had saved his from being smashed in was the fact that his mom made him wear a helmet. Then Ellie had to tell Chris about the time she and Izzy had gotten stuck in the elevator at the library when she was ten and how for ten years after, she wouldn't use elevators. After awhile, they stopped using the questions and just started sharing funny stories. Some of the stories they had told each other in the past, but it helped pass the time.

When they finally reached Shamrock, Texas, their first stop was the U-Drop Inn, where they took a selfie in front of the iconic building and then another of the building itself then sent them to their families. Of all the places in the movie Cars that had been inspired by real places, none of them looked as similar to the real place as "Ramone's House of Body Art" looked like the U-Drop Inn. By the time they got to their hotel, they had videos from their siblings of their nieces and nephews expressing their excitement that Uncle Chris and Aunt Ellie were in Radiator Springs.

After a long day of driving, Chris and Ellie had picked up dinner to go on their way to the hotel. Knowing they still had to take the dogs for a walk before bed, they carried what they could up to the room and then collapsed on the couch to eat their dinner. Then they took the dogs for their walk and got everything else they needed out of the car.

Returning to the hotel room, they took turns taking showers and then watched an hour of SportsCenter from the bed before turning it off and going to sleep.

Day Five - Texas to Arkansas

April 24, 2017

Their last day on Route 66 started at 6:30 in the morning and it didn't take them long to do everything they needed to do before getting on the road. Getting onto the highway, they followed Route 66 into Oklahoma and through several small towns. Due to the early hour, not many of the famous roadside attractions were open as they made their way to Oklahoma City.

They passed the time listening to music and talking to Chris's mom on the phone. They had kept their promise to their mothers and had checked in every day, usually during their bathroom and food stops, because that was when they had the best cell coverage.

Their final planned stop along Route 66 was the Oklahoma Route 66 Museum in Clinton. They arrived at the museum just as it was opening and spent an hour looking around at the different exhibits before they got back into the car.

Unlike other stretches of Route 66, the roads in Oklahoma were a lot narrower, almost terrifyingly narrow. More than once, Chris shouted out curses and threats to drivers who weren't considerate about how they passed on the other side of the road. It finally got to the point where Ellie told him to either get on the interstate or pull over and let her drive because he was going to give himself a heart attack.

As they got closer to Oklahoma City, Ellie searched for a dog park that she could drop Chris and the dogs off at while she went to grab them lunch. She located a park called 'Wiggly Field' that wasn't too far from the highway and had food nearby. She queued it up on her phone's map and then sat back in her seat, closing her eyes anytime she saw a car in the other lane.

A bittersweet silence fell over the car as Chris drove into Oklahoma City. They stayed on Route 66 for as long as they could, but, eventually, Chris had to exit the historic road as it started north and they had to continue east. They planned to find a long weekend during the summer to fly to Chicago and then rent a car to drive to Oklahoma City to complete the journey.

As Chris merged onto another highway, Ellie started the GPS on her phone and held it up so Chris could follow the directions to the dog park. The dog park was nearly empty when they arrived, which was to their advantage. Ellie helped Chris by putting Daisy on her leash and then walked around the car with her before handling the leash over. Chris gave her a kiss that was way shorter than he wanted to give her, but he had two dogs eagerly pulling at their leashes for a chance to run around.

Chuckling, he led the pups to the gated play area for four-legged park goers and let them off their leashes the second the gate was closed behind them. They both trotted off to do their business, with Chris making a note of where to go with the doggie bags, and then they started to run around.

By the time Ellie returned with sandwiches and food for the dogs, Daisy was resting at Chris's feet while Dodger was using up his puppy energy. He raced over to Ellie when she entered the gated area and trotted alongside her as she made her way over to where Chris sat on a bench. The dog eyed their sandwiches as Ellie took them out of the bag, but eventually gave in and ate the kibble that Ellie had brought in.

Once they had all finished eating, they stayed at the park a little while longer before they cleaned up their mess and got back into the car. Their destination for the evening was Van Buren, Arkansas which was just over the Oklahoma-Arkansas border, a little shy of three hours from Oklahoma City.

After filling up the gas tank and using the restrooms at a nearby gas station, Ellie got behind the wheel and got onto the interstate. Acting as deejay, Chris put the music on, selecting one of Ellie's favorite playlists as an apology for his "Masshole"-like tendencies on the road earlier.

Soon the opening chords of Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'" poured out of the speakers and his wife shot him an appreciative look before they both started singing along with the band. It wasn't long before they were both singing their hearts out and he may, or may not, have thrown in a few moves from his Jake Jensen role. Meanwhile, the dogs slept in the backseat, tired out from their playtime.

Thanks to a great soundtrack of carpool karaoke favorites, like Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel Like a Woman", Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and Beyonce's "Single Ladies" to name a few, the drive seemed to take a shorter time than the eventual three and a half hours it took thanks to additional traffic. Their hotel proved easy to find and, when they inquired about nearby pet grooming, the person working the front desk made a phone call on their behalf to arrange a grooming for both dogs while Chris and Ellie went out for an early dinner.

By eight o'clock, Chris, Ellie and the dogs were all fresh and clean and relaxing in front of the TV in their hotel room waiting for Dancing with the Stars to begin. The show was a guilty pleasure for Ellie and had been for several years, but Chris had only watched a show or two a season until this year. Just last week, he, Scott and Ellie had been glued to the TV in the basement as the show had celebrated all things Disney.

The theme for that week's show was Boybands vs Girl Groups and Chris was well aware of his wife's love of boybands, especially. He grimaced slightly when Ellie excitedly slapped his arm when Nick Carter was announced as the episode's guest judge. She'd met the Backstreet Boy in March while on her post-wedding bachelorette party in Vegas with her three sisters and Chris's sisters.

Ellie found it hard to resist singing along to the songs as the stars and their partners danced. There were some dances they loved and others that were a mess. As per usual, whenever there was a cool dance move, Ellie would elbow Chris and ask if he could do that move and if he could show her. Chris rolled his eyes every time, not bothering to remind her that he was a tap dancer and not a ballroom dancer. It was a game to Ellie at this point, but the joke was on her though, because he'd already inquired into ballroom classes for her birthday in July. While he wasn't exactly looking forward to it, he had a feeling she would love it.

As the partner dances ended, there were two group routines: the boys as a boyband vs the girls as a girl group. Both group numbers were good, but the boy's dance left Chris laughing and Ellie fanning herself.

As the girls danced, Ellie turned to Chris and said, "you should be on this show. You know, for me."

"Not even if I lost a bet," Chris replied, shaking his head.

The results came, a few minutes later, and they were just as shocked as everyone else with who was sent home.

"That's in-fucking-sane," Ellie muttered as Chris flipped the TV to ESPN for an hour of SportsCenter. "In. Fucking. Sane."

Chris chuckled and smoothed his hand over her hair. "I know," he said. "I was watching, too."

Ellie shook her head, but relaxed into his embrace as they watched the day's sporting news.

As the segment came to an end, nearly an hour later, Chris turned off the TV and volunteered to take the dogs out while Ellie headed to bed. He returned twenty minutes later and put the dogs in their kennels before undressing and climbing into bed with his wife.

Day Six - Arkansas to Mississippi

April 25, 2017

The dogs' whimpers woke Chris from his slumber on the sixth morning of the trip. Stealing a quick glance at Ellie, he saw that she was still asleep and he pushed himself up. He threw on some clothes and then took the dogs out to go potty.

With two days left in their trip and just over eleven hours to cover, they were taking a lazy morning. So after returning to the hotel room with the dogs, Chris gave them food then undressed and crawled back into bed with Ellie. He was tempted to wake her up for a little morning action, but she looked so pretty asleep and he didn't want to interrupt her. He had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing when she mumbled something incoherently to him as he wrapped his arms around her.

Their alarm went off a couple hours later and they took their time getting ready for the day. They left the room with some ten minutes to spare before check out and took everything out to the car before Ellie went in hand over their keycard. Then they went through a nearby Starbucks drive-thru for coffee and breakfast and then they got onto the interstate.

With Chris behind the wheel, they took I-40 to Little Rock, where they stopped for lunch at an outdoor cafe after a pit stop for the dogs and the humans. Then, before getting back into the car, they took ten minutes to explore the area around the cafe to let the dogs stretch their legs before they started the next two hourish leg of the day's drive.

Having grown tired of listening to music, they'd queued up their favorite podcasts and had listened to them on the first leg of the trip. Chris's podcast tastes leaned more to the political while Ellie preferred the funnier ones. So when she took over the driving duties, she requested to listen to Anna Faris's podcasts.

As they left Little Rock headed towards Memphis, Tennessee, Ellie took over the driving duties. The drive was relatively smooth until a three-car accident twenty miles outside of Memphis snarled traffic and made their travel time for the day an hour longer. Because of that, when they got to Memphis, they made a quick pit stop, let the dogs eat and walk around, before getting back in the car and going through a fast food drive through for a snack to get them through the rest of the day's drive.

Chris drove the last leg from Memphis to Tupelo, Mississippi. Just from the way he was holding the steering wheel, Ellie could tell that all the driving was starting to wear at him. Looking for a distraction, she looked online for some fun questions and was about to give up hope when a result for a Tumblr blog caught her eye, with the title of "NSFW Questions." Curious, she clicked on the link and started reading the questions. Some were pretty tame, but others made her giggle.

"What are you snickering about over there?" Chris asked, his tone slightly annoyed.

"You sure you want to know?" Ellie asked, looking at him.

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't."

"I found some Not Safe for Work questions," she replied with a wicked grin. "Some of them are really good. You wanna answer some?"

"Are you willing to answer them, too?" he asked, eyeing her.

"Why the hell not," Ellie replied. Looking through the list, she weeded out the ones that she didn't like before she asked, "Kitchen counter, couch, or on top of the dryer?"

"For what?" He glanced at her puzzled.

"I think it's asking either if you've had sex there or where you'd rather have sex," Ellie replied.

"Oh, probably the couch then," Chris answered.

"We've done the counter thing," Ellie reminded him. "And the dryer could be fun, but I think a washing machine on the spin cycle would be even more fun."

She shot Chris an innocent smile when he took his eyes of the road to stare at her.

"Keep your eyes on the road, Christopher," she told him. "Next question, a fictional person that you think would be good in bed." She smiled as her mind instantly went to Frank Adler, Chris's character in Gifted.

"You're thinking of Frank again aren't you," Chris accused with a shake of his head.

"Maybe," Ellie replied coyly. "Are you thinking about Mona from Who's the Boss?"

He shot her a glare that quickly dissolved into a chuckle. "I'm never going to live that down, am I?" he asked.

"Not when you admitted on national television that it was ad libbed," Ellie replied. "Where is one place you wouldn't have sex."

"Your parents' house," Chris answered quickly.

"We've had sex at your mom's house," Ellie stated. "What's the difference?"

"All the bedrooms are on the same floor at your parents'," Chris replied. "Everyone would know what we were up to."

"Fair point. Mine would be someplace public," Ellie said. "Ok, what was the weirdest thing that has ever made you horny?"

"Where did you get these questions? These are weird."

"Just answer the question, Evans," Ellie stated.

"Fine, Evans, probably watching you knit with those big ass knitting needles you have," he replied.

"You like watching me fondle my knitting needles?" Ellie smirked. "Good to know."

"What's your weird thing?"

"That video that Jeremy Renner's friend filmed of you at the Super Bowl," Ellie confessed. "I've watched that more than I care to admit." She rolled her eyes at the cocky smile that spread across Chris's face. "What's your favorite part of your body?"

"I like my eyes," Chris said, after a moment.

"You have nice eyes," Ellie agreed. "I like my mouth and my boobs."

"I like your mouth and your boobs, too," Chris stated.

"Which do you like better, my boobs or my butt?" Ellie asked.

"That's not a fair question," Chris complained. "I like them both."

Ellie laughed and continued through the list of questions. By the time they arrived at their hotel, they were both partially turned on from the questions they'd answered. They both knew, however, that there were things that had to be done before they could act on those particular desires, like take the dogs out and get dinner.

An hour and a half later, Chris pulled Ellie into the bathroom of their hotel room with him and pressed her against the counter while they kissed. Their hands quickly fumbled with each other's clothes and they quickly shed their many layers until they were naked.

Breathlessly, they parted and Chris moved over to the shower and turned it on. Once it was the right temperature, he held his hand out to Ellie and helped her climb into the bathtub before following her.

"I miss our big shower at home," Ellie said with a laugh after they kept bumping into each other as they washed up.

"Me, too," Chris agreed. "But we made this work in Texas."

"The shower was bigger in Texas," she reminded him. "It wasn't part of the bathtub like this one is." She motioned towards the water and they shifted positions so she could rinse the soap from her body and the conditioner from her hair.

Opening her eyes, Ellie found Chris leaning against the back of the shower and staring at her with lust-filled eyes. Licking her lips, she moved forward and pressed her body against his. Her mouth found his Adam's apple and she licked it with her tongue before moving onto kiss his neck. Meanwhile, her right hand slid down his body to his already hard cock. She wrapped her fingers around the erect organ and teased the head before beginning to move her hand up and down his length.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Chris cursed in her ear as her motions brought him closer and closer to his release.

Kneeling down, Ellie slid his cock into her mouth and used the combination of her mouth and her hand to bring him over the edge. He cried out a warning a second before it happened and she slid him from her mouth and jerked his cum onto her chest.

Helping her to her feet, Chris pulled her in for a searing kiss.

"Go to the bed," she told him. "I'll clean up and join you."

Climbing out of the shower, Chris dried off quickly before going into the main part of their hotel room. The dogs looked up from their dog beds and he pointed at them and said, "Stay." Dodger let out of a huffed sigh before dropping his head to his paws and staring at the wall. Daisy, on the other hand, quietly laid her head back on her paws and closed her eyes.

Hearing Ellie, Chris turned and smiled when he saw his wife walk out of the bathroom without anything on. Pulling her towards him, he gave her another long kiss before he led her over to the bed and positioned her on the edge. He took his time making his way down her body with his mouth and his hand, letting no inch of her skin go untouched.

He could smell her desire when he finally reached her heated core. Her legs parted and he licked his lips at the sight of her juicy pussy waiting for his attention. He started with his fingers; parting her folds and sliding his long digits between them. He saw her body shiver as his thumb teased her clit and heard her gasp when he pressed the softest of kisses on the bundle of nerves.

Ellie became very vocal as Chris's tongue slipped between the lips of her pussy and worked his fingers to bring her to a powerful orgasm. She felt it in her toes first and flexed her feet as every muscle in her body contracted.

Standing up, Chris palmed his hardening cock as he watched his beautiful wife come down from her climax. Joining her on the bed, he helped her up to the pillows and then he positioned his body above hers before sliding his cock into her.

Chris took his time, allowing her body to adjust to his girth before he began to move. Even then, however, he kept things slow and steady. They didn't have to be at the rental house until five o'clock the next afternoon and they were only a little over five hours away, which meant that they didn't have to leave the hotel until check out time.

He increased his pace a little bit at a time and remained in control of the situation until Ellie's throaty moans and little mews reached his ears. Then something snapped in him when she said, "more, Chris, more."

His desire took control and soon they were both panting heavily as he slammed in and out of her body. She held onto the pillow cases on either side of her and he had to grab onto the headboard to keep from falling over as her breasts swayed this way and that from his thrusts.

It was with a loud, guttural moan that he came inside of her, his body jerking several times as he shot his seed deep inside of her. His orgasm triggered hers and she cried out as her body stiffened and she came around him.

Chris collapsed onto the bed and stared at the ceiling. Every inch of his body was in a happy tired state, but his eyes wouldn't close. He felt Ellie leave the bed and return a moment later. She tossed a wet washcloth onto his chest and he lazily cleaned himself up before dropping the washcloth onto the floor.

"I love you, Chris," Ellie said as she snuggled up against him.

"I love you, too," he replied. He turned his head to give her a kiss before turning his head back towards the ceiling.

They both knew it was too early to go to sleep, especially since they still had to take the dogs out one last time for the night. So Ellie turned on the TV and they watched a couple episodes of some show on Food Network before getting dressed and taking the dogs out.

They returned to the room shortly after ten and put the dogs in the kennels. Then they undressed and got into bed.

Day Seven - Mississippi to Georgia

April 26, 2017

The final day of their road trip started with an early morning wake up from two dogs who needed to go outside. Chris and Ellie were both a bit bleary-eyed as they threw on sweats and took the dogs out together.

Upon returning to the hotel, they got food from the continental breakfast bar and took it back to their room to eat. Instead of eating it, however, they stuck it in the mini fridge to eat later before they got back into bed.

When their alarm went off a couple hours later, Ellie ate breakfast while Chris showered. Once he was done, he ate breakfast while she showered. Once they were both dressed and ready for the day, they packed up their things and loaded up the car for the last time. Then Chris walked the dogs while Ellie went to check them out of the hotel.

They started the driving to their rental house just outside of Atlanta, Georgia shortly after 11:30 in the morning. Since Chris was more familiar with driving around their home for the several months or so, Ellie took the first leg of the drive from Tupelo to Birmingham, Alabama, where they stopped for a bathroom break and food.

For their entertainment, they put on their playlist again, but they didn't sing-along like they did the previous days. The week's travel was catching up with them and they were both more than ready to get to the rental house and be done traveling.

When they got back on the road, Chris was at the wheel and navigated them towards the house they'd rented near Pinewood Atlanta Studios. When they were an hour out from the house, Ellie call the studio assistant that was in charge of helping the actors and their families with housing while in Georgia.

The young woman, who introduced herself as Tiffany, was waiting for them when they arrived at the address she'd sent to Chris earlier in the month. She handed them the keys and then walked through the house with them, making sure they had no concerns about the house (they didn't).

After Tiffany left, Chris and Ellie let the dogs out into the fenced backyard and watched them run around happily. The four bedroom, three bathroom, ranch style, rental house was more than they needed, but it allowed for Ellie to have an office to work in as well as left them with two guestrooms for family members to visit.

They were getting ready to call the dogs into the house and out of the heat when Chris heard his name called. Looking to the left, he shook his head and smiled when he saw Robert Downey Jr. standing on a second-floor balcony of the house next door.

"Dinner is in fifteen minutes," Robert called. "Front door is unlocked. Let yourselves in."

"We'll be there," Ellie called back.

Robert gave her a thumbs up and then headed back into the house.

"Welcome to Hotlanta and the world of Marvel," Chris said to Ellie as he put his hand on the small of her back.

"There is no place I'd rather be than here with you," Ellie told him. She stood on her tippy toes to give him a kiss. "Now, go take some pain reliever because we both know that Robert's boys are going to want to wrestle you the minute you walk into the house."

Chris chuckled, but went to the bedroom to get a couple pain pills. He had loved crossing the country with Ellie and their fur babies, but he was happy that their traveling was done. He was also extremely happy that she was here with him. The last time he'd come to Georgia, to film both Captain America: Civil War followed immediately by Gifted, had been tough on them both and neither of them had wanted to repeat that. He was thankful that her job allowed her to work from home and from anywhere in the world.

Want to find me off tumblr? I’m @beccatheycallme on twitter. I also post my stories on AO3.

My tag list is always open, just let me know if you’d like to be added!

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DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Math is hard – The Panthers have spent much of the last year pushing back on analytics and numbers geeks. Apparently, that includes stuff like "When you pull the goalie you should probably end up with an additional skater on the ice."

The second star: Johnny Boychuk is frightened – Luckily he plays for the Islanders, so he won't be on top again for a while.

The first star: Jaromir Jagr is back – While we mourn the loss of a potential Jagr Draft, we'll welcome his return to the league for what will probably be one of his final half-dozen seasons.

Be It Resolved

The season has started, which means you've made your Stanley Cup pick by now. If you're smart, you kept it to yourself, so that you can just deny it ever happened. But if you're dumb—or worse, a professional sportswriter—you have gone and made your pick public. You fool.

Ah well. What's done is done, and you can't take it back now. At least we can use this as a teachable moment to learn something about ourselves. So in that spirit, be it resolved that this is what your Stanley Cup pick says about you.

Pittsburgh Penguins – You are punting. In the age of hyper-parity, nobody stands out as a good pick so you're just taking the defending champions because your editors weren't going to pay you to just write "pass." You will receive no credit for being right and will be brutally mocked for being wrong. (This was me, by the way.)

Tampa Bay Lightning – You thought you'd get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and by the time you realized everyone else was also picking the Lightning it was too late.

Dallas Stars — You thought you'd get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and forgot that the Lightning would be a way better pick.

Nashville Predators – You believe in second chances, and that we can all become our better selves when given the opportunity to learn from the past. These beliefs will come in handy when the Predators miss the playoffs and you pick a new team in April.

Washington Capitals – When you watch a nature show and the gazelle has been caught by the lion, brought down, and had his carcass picked clean, you figure he's probably due.

Chicago Blackhawks – You work for the NHL's marketing department.

Toronto Maple Leafs – You were the sort of kid who started asking what dessert was before you'd even eaten three bites of your actual meal.

New York Rangers – You're sick of arguing with the guy next to you at the bar who keeps insisting the Rangers are "too old" and "need to start over" and that "the window is already closed," and are also slightly concerned at how much he looks like New York GM Jeff Gorton.

Montreal Canadiens – You figure everything else in the world is terrible right now so why not.

Anaheim Ducks – You're not someone who buys into cliched hockey narratives like "clutch" and "handling pressure" and "having a healthy blueline" and "not building your team around a bunch of 30-year-olds."

Edmonton Oilers – You think it's about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you're damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you figure it's OK to have a questionable blueline as long as you're solid in goal.

Calgary Flames – You think it's about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you're damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you think it's OK to have questionable goaltending as long as you're solid on the blueline.

Los Angeles Kings – You do not understand how the passage of time works.

Minnesota Wild – This is a perfectly valid and reasonable pick, which came to you while you were enjoying a glass of tap water and some plain yogurt.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Literally nobody picked the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Somebody else that everyone thinks has no chance – You're probably right.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Connor McDavid, Alexander Ovechkin, Brandon Saad, and Wayne Simmonds all had hat tricks in their team's opener this week. Thanks to hockey-reference's play index, we can learn that there have been 22 other times that's happened since 1987.

Three players scored four times—Auston Matthews last year, and two Obscure Player alumni, Greg Adams and Chris Kontos. Among the players with three goals, we see plenty of future Hall-of-Famers, including Brendan Shanahan (twice), Luc Robitaille, Teemu Selanne and Jari Kurri. Cam Neely did it twice in the same calendar year, and I'll leave it to you to figure out how that's possible. And then there's this week's obscure player: Marc Chouinard.

Chouinard was a big center whose uncle Guy was the first ever Flame to score 50 goals. He was selected by the Jets in the second round of the 1995 draft, one pick after Georges Laraque. He never made it to Winnipeg; a few months after the draft, he was traded to Anaheim for Chad Kilger and Oleg Tverdovsky (with the Ducks also getting a throw-in winger in the deal). Chouinard wouldn't crack the Ducks roster until 2000, eventually playing 44 games and posting seven points. He'd stick around for two more years, posting single-digit points but developing a solid two-way game, and he scored a goal for the Ducks in the 2003 final.

He'd head to the Wild as a free agent that summer, where he enjoyed an 11-goal, 21-point season in 2003-04, and followed that with a career-best 14 goals and 30 points in 2005-06. It was that second season that saw him start the year with three goals on opening night; he scored two minutes in (assisted by Alexandre Daigle of all people) and completed the hat trick with an empty-netter with four seconds left.

That would end up being his last year in Minnesota, and after signing with Vancouver he'd play just one more NHL season before heading to Europe. Most of his YouTube highlights are just him losing fights, but he made enough of an impression on one fan to earn this heart-tugging tribute video.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

The Muzzin Spot (noun) – I'll explain.

I love NHL home openers. Sure, it's a chance to see a team's new players in meaningful action for the first time. And yes, there's a refreshing wave of optimism washing over the entire league, even though we know it won't last.

But that's not the best part. No, my favorite aspect of every NHL home opener is the now-traditional buildup to the player introductions. There's loud music and laser beams, and it all leads to the highlight: The intimidating faces of each individual player flashed onto the scoreboard or projected onto the ice, one at a time, in order of importance.

That's the key. Once the faces start flashing, it becomes clear that we're going from best to worst. The star player gets the leadoff spot, and we work our way down to the scrubs.

Granted, not every team does this. Plenty still go to a copout like using alphabetical order, or going by jersey number. Those teams are cowards and we should all unite in rejecting them. But some teams do it right. And when you think about how the hockey mindset works, it's remarkable that anyone does it this way at all. Nobody in the NHL wants to ever rank anything. When the league did it's top 100 list, it wasn't ranked. They got rid of the all-star draft because being the 40th best all-star made players sad. When you ask coaches and players about who they need to worry about on the other team, they almost always mumble something about how it's a team a game. Hockey players are all equally important, we're relentlessly told, from the stars down to the fourth-liners.

And then comes the home opener, and suddenly the team itself is ranking its entire roster from best to worst. I love it.

And I especially love the guy who gets stuck being the last face. That's the Muzzin Spot, named after Los Angeles defenseman Jake Muzzin. He's pretty good, and would probably be near the top of the King's list. But last year he was on Team Canada for the World Cup and, well, you can imagine where he wound up when the intros started flashing on the ACC ice.

So if you're lucky enough to attend a home opener this week, cross your fingers that your team is one of the good ones that serves up its pregame face-flashes in order. And if they do, remember to save your loudest cheer for the poor soul who gets the Muzzin Spot. They could probably use it.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Now that the games matter again, the offseason is officially over. And not a moment too soon, since all those trades and transactions can take a lot of time to sort through.

How long? Well, I'm still getting caught up on 1986. Luckily, there's a video clip to get us up to speed.

Our clip begins the way all sports clips from the 80s must, with some sweet brass horns. We also get a look at the key moment of the 1986 playoffs, Steve's Smith's infamous own goal (which we broke down in detail a few months ago). Yep, still traumatizing to watch.

That leads us to our host, Hockey Night in Canada's Brian McFarlane. He's going to walk us through the offseason moves of all 21 teams. Yes, the NHL was significantly thinner back in the mid-80s. Weren't we all.

First up: The defending champion Habs. We find out about Mario Tremblay, and also a goalie trade. I'm sure that's the last time those two things will appear in a sentence that matters to Montreal fans.

Next up are the Nordiques, who have a pair of blue chip wingers incoming in Ken Quinney and Jason Lafreniere. Spoiler: Those two will go on to score 30 goals for the Nordiques. Total. Over both of their entire careers.

The Bruins are next, and they'll have slightly better luck with their new winger, a kid named Cam Neely who came over from the Canucks. He seems like a guy who could be dominant for decades to come, and really fills a kneed. Wait, I meant to type "need." Ah well, probably not important.

The big news for the Sabres is the return of Gilbert Perreault, which was a weird story that doesn't last. But the main takeaway here is that you'll be seeing this in your nightmares for the next few months:

The Whalers round out the Adams. Pro tip: It's rarely a good sign when your goaltending is referred to as a "workaholic." But speaking of goalies, I'm thinking that Flyers rookie with "the famous hockey name" turns out to be OK.

The Caps haven't done much, and the main highlights of the Islanders clip is Terry Simpson making the same face every Islander fan makes when they think about John Tavares leaving in free agency. Well, that and Brian Curren's extremely subtle "How you doin'?" eyebrow move. But the Rangers have big news, as Phil Esposito arrives to start what will go down in history as quite possibly the most entertaining GM stint ever. He keeps the job for three years and makes 43(!) trades, including one for a coach.

So…uh…Steve Guenette sure seems happy to be a Penguins, doesn't he? Enjoy the two games you'll appear in this year, Steve. Meanwhile, we close out the conference by learning that the Devils haven't really done anything, because they're still a year away from going on miracle playoff runs and fat-shaming referees.

The Oilers have lost Dr. Randy Gregg but added Danny Gare. The latter earns a defiant "Who said he wouldn't make the team?" Uh, he lasts 18 games and scores one goal before heading for the broadcast booth, so…somebody who was pretty much right?

The Flames section is a bit of a downer, as first-round pick George Pelawa has recently died in a car crash. At the time, Pelawa was widely rumored to be the subject of the Tom Cochrane classic "Big League," although that's apparently not the case.

We also get a look at a Flames prospect named Brett Hull, who we're told once hit the post in a playoff game. He does see some action during the 1986-87 regular season, but scores only one goal. Bust!

In Winnipeg, a Finnish forward named Hannu Jarvenpaa is "a real find." He manages just 11 career goals, although the Jets do slightly better on another Finnish forward a few years later. Meanwhile, the Canucks are excited about Barry Pederson, who came over in the Neely trade. He actually does OK in Vancouver, posting back-to-back 70-point seasons, but it's fair to say it's not quite enough.

The Kings' section may be my favorite. They've got two prospects, and for once both turn out to be worth the hype. Jimmy Carson scores 50 goals as a teenager and gets traded for Wayne Gretzky, while Luc Robitaille becomes the highest-scoring left winger ever. So yeah, not bad. But the highlight is a baby-faced Robitaille's deadpan and slightly cross-eyed stare into the camera, ending in a smile that lasts a nanosecond.

Finally, it's on to the Norris Division, starting in Chicago where Behn Wilson is hurt and Everett Sanipass "looks good." Also looking good: Those old Blackhawks uniforms without names on them, which we get a look at while hyping Minnesota's Frantisek Musil as a Calder favorite. (He received zero votes; Robitaille won, followed by Hextall and Carson.)

The Blues have lost Jacques Demers to the Red Wings and replaced him with "little-known Jacques Martin." It's fair to say Martin turns out alright. Here, he looks exactly like 2017 Jacques Martin wearing a fake novelty mustache.

The Leafs have Vincent Damphousse, who turns out to be really good, and John Brophy, who turns out to be really fun. In related news, as a young Maple Leafs fan at the time I pronounced Damphousse as "Damp House" for the first few years of his career. And I pronounced Brophy as "the scary old man who looks like he wants to crawl through the TV and eat me."

We close with the Red Wings, where first overall pick Joe Murphy already looks like a bust (he was, at least in Detroit) and Demers needs to pull off a miracle to improve the team. He more or less does, becoming the only coach to ever win back-to-back Jack Adams in his first two years with the Wings.

And that wraps up our look at all the changes NHL teams had made during the 1986 offseason. It all ended up being pointless, as Wayne Gretzky and the Oilers decide to stop scoring into their own net and cruise to the next two Cups, losing just seven playoff games in the process. But don't worry, I'm sure that won't be the case this year!

(There's, uh, not a dominant dynasty with the world's best player out there, right?)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

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DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Math is hard – The Panthers have spent much of the last year pushing back on analytics and numbers geeks. Apparently, that includes stuff like “When you pull the goalie you should probably end up with an additional skater on the ice.”

The second star: Johnny Boychuk is frightened – Luckily he plays for the Islanders, so he won’t be on top again for a while.

The first star: Jaromir Jagr is back – While we mourn the loss of a potential Jagr Draft, we’ll welcome his return to the league for what will probably be one of his final half-dozen seasons.

Be It Resolved

The season has started, which means you’ve made your Stanley Cup pick by now. If you’re smart, you kept it to yourself, so that you can just deny it ever happened. But if you’re dumb—or worse, a professional sportswriter—you have gone and made your pick public. You fool.

Ah well. What’s done is done, and you can’t take it back now. At least we can use this as a teachable moment to learn something about ourselves. So in that spirit, be it resolved that this is what your Stanley Cup pick says about you.

Pittsburgh Penguins – You are punting. In the age of hyper-parity, nobody stands out as a good pick so you’re just taking the defending champions because your editors weren’t going to pay you to just write “pass.” You will receive no credit for being right and will be brutally mocked for being wrong. (This was me, by the way.)

Tampa Bay Lightning – You thought you’d get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and by the time you realized everyone else was also picking the Lightning it was too late.

Dallas Stars — You thought you’d get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and forgot that the Lightning would be a way better pick.

Nashville Predators – You believe in second chances, and that we can all become our better selves when given the opportunity to learn from the past. These beliefs will come in handy when the Predators miss the playoffs and you pick a new team in April.

Washington Capitals – When you watch a nature show and the gazelle has been caught by the lion, brought down, and had his carcass picked clean, you figure he’s probably due.

Chicago Blackhawks – You work for the NHL’s marketing department.

Toronto Maple Leafs – You were the sort of kid who started asking what dessert was before you’d even eaten three bites of your actual meal.

New York Rangers – You’re sick of arguing with the guy next to you at the bar who keeps insisting the Rangers are “too old” and “need to start over” and that “the window is already closed,” and are also slightly concerned at how much he looks like New York GM Jeff Gorton.

Montreal Canadiens – You figure everything else in the world is terrible right now so why not.

Anaheim Ducks – You’re not someone who buys into cliched hockey narratives like “clutch” and “handling pressure” and “having a healthy blueline” and “not building your team around a bunch of 30-year-olds.”

Edmonton Oilers – You think it’s about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you’re damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you figure it’s OK to have a questionable blueline as long as you’re solid in goal.

Calgary Flames – You think it’s about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you’re damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you think it’s OK to have questionable goaltending as long as you’re solid on the blueline.

Los Angeles Kings – You do not understand how the passage of time works.

Minnesota Wild – This is a perfectly valid and reasonable pick, which came to you while you were enjoying a glass of tap water and some plain yogurt.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Literally nobody picked the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Somebody else that everyone thinks has no chance – You’re probably right.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Connor McDavid, Alexander Ovechkin, Brandon Saad, and Wayne Simmonds all had hat tricks in their team’s opener this week. Thanks to hockey-reference’s play index, we can learn that there have been 22 other times that’s happened since 1987.

Three players scored four times—Auston Matthews last year, and two Obscure Player alumni, Greg Adams and Chris Kontos. Among the players with three goals, we see plenty of future Hall-of-Famers, including Brendan Shanahan (twice), Luc Robitaille, Teemu Selanne and Jari Kurri. Cam Neely did it twice in the same calendar year, and I’ll leave it to you to figure out how that’s possible. And then there’s this week’s obscure player: Marc Chouinard.

Chouinard was a big center whose uncle Guy was the first ever Flame to score 50 goals. He was selected by the Jets in the second round of the 1995 draft, one pick after Georges Laraque. He never made it to Winnipeg; a few months after the draft, he was traded to Anaheim for Chad Kilger and Oleg Tverdovsky (with the Ducks also getting a throw-in winger in the deal). Chouinard wouldn’t crack the Ducks roster until 2000, eventually playing 44 games and posting seven points. He’d stick around for two more years, posting single-digit points but developing a solid two-way game, and he scored a goal for the Ducks in the 2003 final.

He’d head to the Wild as a free agent that summer, where he enjoyed an 11-goal, 21-point season in 2003-04, and followed that with a career-best 14 goals and 30 points in 2005-06. It was that second season that saw him start the year with three goals on opening night; he scored two minutes in (assisted by Alexandre Daigle of all people) and completed the hat trick with an empty-netter with four seconds left.

That would end up being his last year in Minnesota, and after signing with Vancouver he’d play just one more NHL season before heading to Europe. Most of his YouTube highlights are just him losing fights, but he made enough of an impression on one fan to earn this heart-tugging tribute video.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

The Muzzin Spot (noun) – I’ll explain.

I love NHL home openers. Sure, it’s a chance to see a team’s new players in meaningful action for the first time. And yes, there’s a refreshing wave of optimism washing over the entire league, even though we know it won’t last.

But that’s not the best part. No, my favorite aspect of every NHL home opener is the now-traditional buildup to the player introductions. There’s loud music and laser beams, and it all leads to the highlight: The intimidating faces of each individual player flashed onto the scoreboard or projected onto the ice, one at a time, in order of importance.

That’s the key. Once the faces start flashing, it becomes clear that we’re going from best to worst. The star player gets the leadoff spot, and we work our way down to the scrubs.

Granted, not every team does this. Plenty still go to a copout like using alphabetical order, or going by jersey number. Those teams are cowards and we should all unite in rejecting them. But some teams do it right. And when you think about how the hockey mindset works, it’s remarkable that anyone does it this way at all. Nobody in the NHL wants to ever rank anything. When the league did it’s top 100 list, it wasn’t ranked. They got rid of the all-star draft because being the 40th best all-star made players sad. When you ask coaches and players about who they need to worry about on the other team, they almost always mumble something about how it’s a team a game. Hockey players are all equally important, we’re relentlessly told, from the stars down to the fourth-liners.

And then comes the home opener, and suddenly the team itself is ranking its entire roster from best to worst. I love it.

And I especially love the guy who gets stuck being the last face. That’s the Muzzin Spot, named after Los Angeles defenseman Jake Muzzin. He’s pretty good, and would probably be near the top of the King’s list. But last year he was on Team Canada for the World Cup and, well, you can imagine where he wound up when the intros started flashing on the ACC ice.

So if you’re lucky enough to attend a home opener this week, cross your fingers that your team is one of the good ones that serves up its pregame face-flashes in order. And if they do, remember to save your loudest cheer for the poor soul who gets the Muzzin Spot. They could probably use it.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Now that the games matter again, the offseason is officially over. And not a moment too soon, since all those trades and transactions can take a lot of time to sort through.

How long? Well, I’m still getting caught up on 1986. Luckily, there’s a video clip to get us up to speed.

Our clip begins the way all sports clips from the 80s must, with some sweet brass horns. We also get a look at the key moment of the 1986 playoffs, Steve’s Smith’s infamous own goal (which we broke down in detail a few months ago). Yep, still traumatizing to watch.

That leads us to our host, Hockey Night in Canada’s Brian McFarlane. He’s going to walk us through the offseason moves of all 21 teams. Yes, the NHL was significantly thinner back in the mid-80s. Weren’t we all.

First up: The defending champion Habs. We find out about Mario Tremblay, and also a goalie trade. I’m sure that’s the last time those two things will appear in a sentence that matters to Montreal fans.

Next up are the Nordiques, who have a pair of blue chip wingers incoming in Ken Quinney and Jason Lafreniere. Spoiler: Those two will go on to score 30 goals for the Nordiques. Total. Over both of their entire careers.

The Bruins are next, and they’ll have slightly better luck with their new winger, a kid named Cam Neely who came over from the Canucks. He seems like a guy who could be dominant for decades to come, and really fills a kneed. Wait, I meant to type “need.” Ah well, probably not important.

The big news for the Sabres is the return of Gilbert Perreault, which was a weird story that doesn’t last. But the main takeaway here is that you’ll be seeing this in your nightmares for the next few months:

The Whalers round out the Adams. Pro tip: It’s rarely a good sign when your goaltending is referred to as a “workaholic.” But speaking of goalies, I’m thinking that Flyers rookie with “the famous hockey name” turns out to be OK.

The Caps haven’t done much, and the main highlights of the Islanders clip is Terry Simpson making the same face every Islander fan makes when they think about John Tavares leaving in free agency. Well, that and Brian Curren’s extremely subtle “How you doin’?” eyebrow move. But the Rangers have big news, as Phil Esposito arrives to start what will go down in history as quite possibly the most entertaining GM stint ever. He keeps the job for three years and makes 43(!) trades, including one for a coach.

So…uh…Steve Guenette sure seems happy to be a Penguins, doesn’t he? Enjoy the two games you’ll appear in this year, Steve. Meanwhile, we close out the conference by learning that the Devils haven’t really done anything, because they’re still a year away from going on miracle playoff runs and fat-shaming referees.

The Oilers have lost Dr. Randy Gregg but added Danny Gare. The latter earns a defiant “Who said he wouldn’t make the team?” Uh, he lasts 18 games and scores one goal before heading for the broadcast booth, so…somebody who was pretty much right?

The Flames section is a bit of a downer, as first-round pick George Pelawa has recently died in a car crash. At the time, Pelawa was widely rumored to be the subject of the Tom Cochrane classic “Big League,” although that’s apparently not the case.

We also get a look at a Flames prospect named Brett Hull, who we’re told once hit the post in a playoff game. He does see some action during the 1986-87 regular season, but scores only one goal. Bust!

In Winnipeg, a Finnish forward named Hannu Jarvenpaa is “a real find.” He manages just 11 career goals, although the Jets do slightly better on another Finnish forward a few years later. Meanwhile, the Canucks are excited about Barry Pederson, who came over in the Neely trade. He actually does OK in Vancouver, posting back-to-back 70-point seasons, but it’s fair to say it’s not quite enough.

The Kings’ section may be my favorite. They’ve got two prospects, and for once both turn out to be worth the hype. Jimmy Carson scores 50 goals as a teenager and gets traded for Wayne Gretzky, while Luc Robitaille becomes the highest-scoring left winger ever. So yeah, not bad. But the highlight is a baby-faced Robitaille’s deadpan and slightly cross-eyed stare into the camera, ending in a smile that lasts a nanosecond.

Finally, it’s on to the Norris Division, starting in Chicago where Behn Wilson is hurt and Everett Sanipass “looks good.” Also looking good: Those old Blackhawks uniforms without names on them, which we get a look at while hyping Minnesota’s Frantisek Musil as a Calder favorite. (He received zero votes; Robitaille won, followed by Hextall and Carson.)

The Blues have lost Jacques Demers to the Red Wings and replaced him with “little-known Jacques Martin.” It’s fair to say Martin turns out alright. Here, he looks exactly like 2017 Jacques Martin wearing a fake novelty mustache.

The Leafs have Vincent Damphousse, who turns out to be really good, and John Brophy, who turns out to be really fun. In related news, as a young Maple Leafs fan at the time I pronounced Damphousse as “Damp House” for the first few years of his career. And I pronounced Brophy as “the scary old man who looks like he wants to crawl through the TV and eat me.”

We close with the Red Wings, where first overall pick Joe Murphy already looks like a bust (he was, at least in Detroit) and Demers needs to pull off a miracle to improve the team. He more or less does, becoming the only coach to ever win back-to-back Jack Adams in his first two years with the Wings.

And that wraps up our look at all the changes NHL teams had made during the 1986 offseason. It all ended up being pointless, as Wayne Gretzky and the Oilers decide to stop scoring into their own net and cruise to the next two Cups, losing just seven playoff games in the process. But don’t worry, I’m sure that won’t be the case this year!

(There’s, uh, not a dominant dynasty with the world’s best player out there, right?)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you’d like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot syndicated from http://ift.tt/2ug2Ns6

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Math is hard – The Panthers have spent much of the last year pushing back on analytics and numbers geeks. Apparently, that includes stuff like "When you pull the goalie you should probably end up with an additional skater on the ice."

The second star: Johnny Boychuk is frightened – Luckily he plays for the Islanders, so he won't be on top again for a while.

The first star: Jaromir Jagr is back – While we mourn the loss of a potential Jagr Draft, we'll welcome his return to the league for what will probably be one of his final half-dozen seasons.

Be It Resolved

The season has started, which means you've made your Stanley Cup pick by now. If you're smart, you kept it to yourself, so that you can just deny it ever happened. But if you're dumb—or worse, a professional sportswriter—you have gone and made your pick public. You fool.

Ah well. What's done is done, and you can't take it back now. At least we can use this as a teachable moment to learn something about ourselves. So in that spirit, be it resolved that this is what your Stanley Cup pick says about you.

Pittsburgh Penguins – You are punting. In the age of hyper-parity, nobody stands out as a good pick so you're just taking the defending champions because your editors weren't going to pay you to just write "pass." You will receive no credit for being right and will be brutally mocked for being wrong. (This was me, by the way.)

Tampa Bay Lightning – You thought you'd get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and by the time you realized everyone else was also picking the Lightning it was too late.

Dallas Stars — You thought you'd get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and forgot that the Lightning would be a way better pick.

Nashville Predators – You believe in second chances, and that we can all become our better selves when given the opportunity to learn from the past. These beliefs will come in handy when the Predators miss the playoffs and you pick a new team in April.

Washington Capitals – When you watch a nature show and the gazelle has been caught by the lion, brought down, and had his carcass picked clean, you figure he's probably due.

Chicago Blackhawks – You work for the NHL's marketing department.

Toronto Maple Leafs – You were the sort of kid who started asking what dessert was before you'd even eaten three bites of your actual meal.

New York Rangers – You're sick of arguing with the guy next to you at the bar who keeps insisting the Rangers are "too old" and "need to start over" and that "the window is already closed," and are also slightly concerned at how much he looks like New York GM Jeff Gorton.

Montreal Canadiens – You figure everything else in the world is terrible right now so why not.

Anaheim Ducks – You're not someone who buys into cliched hockey narratives like "clutch" and "handling pressure" and "having a healthy blueline" and "not building your team around a bunch of 30-year-olds."

Edmonton Oilers – You think it's about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you're damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you figure it's OK to have a questionable blueline as long as you're solid in goal.

Calgary Flames – You think it's about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you're damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you think it's OK to have questionable goaltending as long as you're solid on the blueline.

Los Angeles Kings – You do not understand how the passage of time works.

Minnesota Wild – This is a perfectly valid and reasonable pick, which came to you while you were enjoying a glass of tap water and some plain yogurt.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Literally nobody picked the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Somebody else that everyone thinks has no chance – You're probably right.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Connor McDavid, Alexander Ovechkin, Brandon Saad, and Wayne Simmonds all had hat tricks in their team's opener this week. Thanks to hockey-reference's play index, we can learn that there have been 22 other times that's happened since 1987.

Three players scored four times—Auston Matthews last year, and two Obscure Player alumni, Greg Adams and Chris Kontos. Among the players with three goals, we see plenty of future Hall-of-Famers, including Brendan Shanahan (twice), Luc Robitaille, Teemu Selanne and Jari Kurri. Cam Neely did it twice in the same calendar year, and I'll leave it to you to figure out how that's possible. And then there's this week's obscure player: Marc Chouinard.

Chouinard was a big center whose uncle Guy was the first ever Flame to score 50 goals. He was selected by the Jets in the second round of the 1995 draft, one pick after Georges Laraque. He never made it to Winnipeg; a few months after the draft, he was traded to Anaheim for Chad Kilger and Oleg Tverdovsky (with the Ducks also getting a throw-in winger in the deal). Chouinard wouldn't crack the Ducks roster until 2000, eventually playing 44 games and posting seven points. He'd stick around for two more years, posting single-digit points but developing a solid two-way game, and he scored a goal for the Ducks in the 2003 final.

He'd head to the Wild as a free agent that summer, where he enjoyed an 11-goal, 21-point season in 2003-04, and followed that with a career-best 14 goals and 30 points in 2005-06. It was that second season that saw him start the year with three goals on opening night; he scored two minutes in (assisted by Alexandre Daigle of all people) and completed the hat trick with an empty-netter with four seconds left.

That would end up being his last year in Minnesota, and after signing with Vancouver he'd play just one more NHL season before heading to Europe. Most of his YouTube highlights are just him losing fights, but he made enough of an impression on one fan to earn this heart-tugging tribute video.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

The Muzzin Spot (noun) – I'll explain.

I love NHL home openers. Sure, it's a chance to see a team's new players in meaningful action for the first time. And yes, there's a refreshing wave of optimism washing over the entire league, even though we know it won't last.

But that's not the best part. No, my favorite aspect of every NHL home opener is the now-traditional buildup to the player introductions. There's loud music and laser beams, and it all leads to the highlight: The intimidating faces of each individual player flashed onto the scoreboard or projected onto the ice, one at a time, in order of importance.

That's the key. Once the faces start flashing, it becomes clear that we're going from best to worst. The star player gets the leadoff spot, and we work our way down to the scrubs.

Granted, not every team does this. Plenty still go to a copout like using alphabetical order, or going by jersey number. Those teams are cowards and we should all unite in rejecting them. But some teams do it right. And when you think about how the hockey mindset works, it's remarkable that anyone does it this way at all. Nobody in the NHL wants to ever rank anything. When the league did it's top 100 list, it wasn't ranked. They got rid of the all-star draft because being the 40th best all-star made players sad. When you ask coaches and players about who they need to worry about on the other team, they almost always mumble something about how it's a team a game. Hockey players are all equally important, we're relentlessly told, from the stars down to the fourth-liners.

And then comes the home opener, and suddenly the team itself is ranking its entire roster from best to worst. I love it.

And I especially love the guy who gets stuck being the last face. That's the Muzzin Spot, named after Los Angeles defenseman Jake Muzzin. He's pretty good, and would probably be near the top of the King's list. But last year he was on Team Canada for the World Cup and, well, you can imagine where he wound up when the intros started flashing on the ACC ice.

So if you're lucky enough to attend a home opener this week, cross your fingers that your team is one of the good ones that serves up its pregame face-flashes in order. And if they do, remember to save your loudest cheer for the poor soul who gets the Muzzin Spot. They could probably use it.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Now that the games matter again, the offseason is officially over. And not a moment too soon, since all those trades and transactions can take a lot of time to sort through.

How long? Well, I'm still getting caught up on 1986. Luckily, there's a video clip to get us up to speed.

Our clip begins the way all sports clips from the 80s must, with some sweet brass horns. We also get a look at the key moment of the 1986 playoffs, Steve's Smith's infamous own goal (which we broke down in detail a few months ago). Yep, still traumatizing to watch.

That leads us to our host, Hockey Night in Canada's Brian McFarlane. He's going to walk us through the offseason moves of all 21 teams. Yes, the NHL was significantly thinner back in the mid-80s. Weren't we all.

First up: The defending champion Habs. We find out about Mario Tremblay, and also a goalie trade. I'm sure that's the last time those two things will appear in a sentence that matters to Montreal fans.

Next up are the Nordiques, who have a pair of blue chip wingers incoming in Ken Quinney and Jason Lafreniere. Spoiler: Those two will go on to score 30 goals for the Nordiques. Total. Over both of their entire careers.

The Bruins are next, and they'll have slightly better luck with their new winger, a kid named Cam Neely who came over from the Canucks. He seems like a guy who could be dominant for decades to come, and really fills a kneed. Wait, I meant to type "need." Ah well, probably not important.

The big news for the Sabres is the return of Gilbert Perreault, which was a weird story that doesn't last. But the main takeaway here is that you'll be seeing this in your nightmares for the next few months:

The Whalers round out the Adams. Pro tip: It's rarely a good sign when your goaltending is referred to as a "workaholic." But speaking of goalies, I'm thinking that Flyers rookie with "the famous hockey name" turns out to be OK.

The Caps haven't done much, and the main highlights of the Islanders clip is Terry Simpson making the same face every Islander fan makes when they think about John Tavares leaving in free agency. Well, that and Brian Curren's extremely subtle "How you doin'?" eyebrow move. But the Rangers have big news, as Phil Esposito arrives to start what will go down in history as quite possibly the most entertaining GM stint ever. He keeps the job for three years and makes 43(!) trades, including one for a coach.

So…uh…Steve Guenette sure seems happy to be a Penguins, doesn't he? Enjoy the two games you'll appear in this year, Steve. Meanwhile, we close out the conference by learning that the Devils haven't really done anything, because they're still a year away from going on miracle playoff runs and fat-shaming referees.

The Oilers have lost Dr. Randy Gregg but added Danny Gare. The latter earns a defiant "Who said he wouldn't make the team?" Uh, he lasts 18 games and scores one goal before heading for the broadcast booth, so…somebody who was pretty much right?

The Flames section is a bit of a downer, as first-round pick George Pelawa has recently died in a car crash. At the time, Pelawa was widely rumored to be the subject of the Tom Cochrane classic "Big League," although that's apparently not the case.

We also get a look at a Flames prospect named Brett Hull, who we're told once hit the post in a playoff game. He does see some action during the 1986-87 regular season, but scores only one goal. Bust!

In Winnipeg, a Finnish forward named Hannu Jarvenpaa is "a real find." He manages just 11 career goals, although the Jets do slightly better on another Finnish forward a few years later. Meanwhile, the Canucks are excited about Barry Pederson, who came over in the Neely trade. He actually does OK in Vancouver, posting back-to-back 70-point seasons, but it's fair to say it's not quite enough.

The Kings' section may be my favorite. They've got two prospects, and for once both turn out to be worth the hype. Jimmy Carson scores 50 goals as a teenager and gets traded for Wayne Gretzky, while Luc Robitaille becomes the highest-scoring left winger ever. So yeah, not bad. But the highlight is a baby-faced Robitaille's deadpan and slightly cross-eyed stare into the camera, ending in a smile that lasts a nanosecond.

Finally, it's on to the Norris Division, starting in Chicago where Behn Wilson is hurt and Everett Sanipass "looks good." Also looking good: Those old Blackhawks uniforms without names on them, which we get a look at while hyping Minnesota's Frantisek Musil as a Calder favorite. (He received zero votes; Robitaille won, followed by Hextall and Carson.)

The Blues have lost Jacques Demers to the Red Wings and replaced him with "little-known Jacques Martin." It's fair to say Martin turns out alright. Here, he looks exactly like 2017 Jacques Martin wearing a fake novelty mustache.

The Leafs have Vincent Damphousse, who turns out to be really good, and John Brophy, who turns out to be really fun. In related news, as a young Maple Leafs fan at the time I pronounced Damphousse as "Damp House" for the first few years of his career. And I pronounced Brophy as "the scary old man who looks like he wants to crawl through the TV and eat me."

We close with the Red Wings, where first overall pick Joe Murphy already looks like a bust (he was, at least in Detroit) and Demers needs to pull off a miracle to improve the team. He more or less does, becoming the only coach to ever win back-to-back Jack Adams in his first two years with the Wings.

And that wraps up our look at all the changes NHL teams had made during the 1986 offseason. It all ended up being pointless, as Wayne Gretzky and the Oilers decide to stop scoring into their own net and cruise to the next two Cups, losing just seven playoff games in the process. But don't worry, I'm sure that won't be the case this year!

(There's, uh, not a dominant dynasty with the world's best player out there, right?)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot

Three Stars of Comedy

The third star: Math is hard – The Panthers have spent much of the last year pushing back on analytics and numbers geeks. Apparently, that includes stuff like "When you pull the goalie you should probably end up with an additional skater on the ice."

The second star: Johnny Boychuk is frightened – Luckily he plays for the Islanders, so he won't be on top again for a while.

The first star: Jaromir Jagr is back – While we mourn the loss of a potential Jagr Draft, we'll welcome his return to the league for what will probably be one of his final half-dozen seasons.

Be It Resolved

The season has started, which means you've made your Stanley Cup pick by now. If you're smart, you kept it to yourself, so that you can just deny it ever happened. But if you're dumb—or worse, a professional sportswriter—you have gone and made your pick public. You fool.

Ah well. What's done is done, and you can't take it back now. At least we can use this as a teachable moment to learn something about ourselves. So in that spirit, be it resolved that this is what your Stanley Cup pick says about you.

Pittsburgh Penguins – You are punting. In the age of hyper-parity, nobody stands out as a good pick so you're just taking the defending champions because your editors weren't going to pay you to just write "pass." You will receive no credit for being right and will be brutally mocked for being wrong. (This was me, by the way.)

Tampa Bay Lightning – You thought you'd get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and by the time you realized everyone else was also picking the Lightning it was too late.

Dallas Stars — You thought you'd get some contrarian credit for picking an underdog who missed the playoffs last year, and forgot that the Lightning would be a way better pick.

Nashville Predators – You believe in second chances, and that we can all become our better selves when given the opportunity to learn from the past. These beliefs will come in handy when the Predators miss the playoffs and you pick a new team in April.

Washington Capitals – When you watch a nature show and the gazelle has been caught by the lion, brought down, and had his carcass picked clean, you figure he's probably due.

Chicago Blackhawks – You work for the NHL's marketing department.

Toronto Maple Leafs – You were the sort of kid who started asking what dessert was before you'd even eaten three bites of your actual meal.

New York Rangers – You're sick of arguing with the guy next to you at the bar who keeps insisting the Rangers are "too old" and "need to start over" and that "the window is already closed," and are also slightly concerned at how much he looks like New York GM Jeff Gorton.

Montreal Canadiens – You figure everything else in the world is terrible right now so why not.

Anaheim Ducks – You're not someone who buys into cliched hockey narratives like "clutch" and "handling pressure" and "having a healthy blueline" and "not building your team around a bunch of 30-year-olds."

Edmonton Oilers – You think it's about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you're damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you figure it's OK to have a questionable blueline as long as you're solid in goal.

Calgary Flames – You think it's about time Canada won another Stanley Cup, you're damn sure not going to pick the Habs or Leafs, and you think it's OK to have questionable goaltending as long as you're solid on the blueline.

Los Angeles Kings – You do not understand how the passage of time works.

Minnesota Wild – This is a perfectly valid and reasonable pick, which came to you while you were enjoying a glass of tap water and some plain yogurt.

Columbus Blue Jackets – Literally nobody picked the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Somebody else that everyone thinks has no chance – You're probably right.

Obscure Former Player of the Week

Connor McDavid, Alexander Ovechkin, Brandon Saad, and Wayne Simmonds all had hat tricks in their team's opener this week. Thanks to hockey-reference's play index, we can learn that there have been 22 other times that's happened since 1987.

Three players scored four times—Auston Matthews last year, and two Obscure Player alumni, Greg Adams and Chris Kontos. Among the players with three goals, we see plenty of future Hall-of-Famers, including Brendan Shanahan (twice), Luc Robitaille, Teemu Selanne and Jari Kurri. Cam Neely did it twice in the same calendar year, and I'll leave it to you to figure out how that's possible. And then there's this week's obscure player: Marc Chouinard.

Chouinard was a big center whose uncle Guy was the first ever Flame to score 50 goals. He was selected by the Jets in the second round of the 1995 draft, one pick after Georges Laraque. He never made it to Winnipeg; a few months after the draft, he was traded to Anaheim for Chad Kilger and Oleg Tverdovsky (with the Ducks also getting a throw-in winger in the deal). Chouinard wouldn't crack the Ducks roster until 2000, eventually playing 44 games and posting seven points. He'd stick around for two more years, posting single-digit points but developing a solid two-way game, and he scored a goal for the Ducks in the 2003 final.

He'd head to the Wild as a free agent that summer, where he enjoyed an 11-goal, 21-point season in 2003-04, and followed that with a career-best 14 goals and 30 points in 2005-06. It was that second season that saw him start the year with three goals on opening night; he scored two minutes in (assisted by Alexandre Daigle of all people) and completed the hat trick with an empty-netter with four seconds left.

That would end up being his last year in Minnesota, and after signing with Vancouver he'd play just one more NHL season before heading to Europe. Most of his YouTube highlights are just him losing fights, but he made enough of an impression on one fan to earn this heart-tugging tribute video.

New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary

The Muzzin Spot (noun) – I'll explain.

I love NHL home openers. Sure, it's a chance to see a team's new players in meaningful action for the first time. And yes, there's a refreshing wave of optimism washing over the entire league, even though we know it won't last.

But that's not the best part. No, my favorite aspect of every NHL home opener is the now-traditional buildup to the player introductions. There's loud music and laser beams, and it all leads to the highlight: The intimidating faces of each individual player flashed onto the scoreboard or projected onto the ice, one at a time, in order of importance.

That's the key. Once the faces start flashing, it becomes clear that we're going from best to worst. The star player gets the leadoff spot, and we work our way down to the scrubs.

Granted, not every team does this. Plenty still go to a copout like using alphabetical order, or going by jersey number. Those teams are cowards and we should all unite in rejecting them. But some teams do it right. And when you think about how the hockey mindset works, it's remarkable that anyone does it this way at all. Nobody in the NHL wants to ever rank anything. When the league did it's top 100 list, it wasn't ranked. They got rid of the all-star draft because being the 40th best all-star made players sad. When you ask coaches and players about who they need to worry about on the other team, they almost always mumble something about how it's a team a game. Hockey players are all equally important, we're relentlessly told, from the stars down to the fourth-liners.

And then comes the home opener, and suddenly the team itself is ranking its entire roster from best to worst. I love it.

And I especially love the guy who gets stuck being the last face. That's the Muzzin Spot, named after Los Angeles defenseman Jake Muzzin. He's pretty good, and would probably be near the top of the King's list. But last year he was on Team Canada for the World Cup and, well, you can imagine where he wound up when the intros started flashing on the ACC ice.

So if you're lucky enough to attend a home opener this week, cross your fingers that your team is one of the good ones that serves up its pregame face-flashes in order. And if they do, remember to save your loudest cheer for the poor soul who gets the Muzzin Spot. They could probably use it.

Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown

Now that the games matter again, the offseason is officially over. And not a moment too soon, since all those trades and transactions can take a lot of time to sort through.

How long? Well, I'm still getting caught up on 1986. Luckily, there's a video clip to get us up to speed.

Our clip begins the way all sports clips from the 80s must, with some sweet brass horns. We also get a look at the key moment of the 1986 playoffs, Steve's Smith's infamous own goal (which we broke down in detail a few months ago). Yep, still traumatizing to watch.

That leads us to our host, Hockey Night in Canada's Brian McFarlane. He's going to walk us through the offseason moves of all 21 teams. Yes, the NHL was significantly thinner back in the mid-80s. Weren't we all.

First up: The defending champion Habs. We find out about Mario Tremblay, and also a goalie trade. I'm sure that's the last time those two things will appear in a sentence that matters to Montreal fans.

Next up are the Nordiques, who have a pair of blue chip wingers incoming in Ken Quinney and Jason Lafreniere. Spoiler: Those two will go on to score 30 goals for the Nordiques. Total. Over both of their entire careers.

The Bruins are next, and they'll have slightly better luck with their new winger, a kid named Cam Neely who came over from the Canucks. He seems like a guy who could be dominant for decades to come, and really fills a kneed. Wait, I meant to type "need." Ah well, probably not important.

The big news for the Sabres is the return of Gilbert Perreault, which was a weird story that doesn't last. But the main takeaway here is that you'll be seeing this in your nightmares for the next few months:

The Whalers round out the Adams. Pro tip: It's rarely a good sign when your goaltending is referred to as a "workaholic." But speaking of goalies, I'm thinking that Flyers rookie with "the famous hockey name" turns out to be OK.

The Caps haven't done much, and the main highlights of the Islanders clip is Terry Simpson making the same face every Islander fan makes when they think about John Tavares leaving in free agency. Well, that and Brian Curren's extremely subtle "How you doin'?" eyebrow move. But the Rangers have big news, as Phil Esposito arrives to start what will go down in history as quite possibly the most entertaining GM stint ever. He keeps the job for three years and makes 43(!) trades, including one for a coach.

So…uh…Steve Guenette sure seems happy to be a Penguins, doesn't he? Enjoy the two games you'll appear in this year, Steve. Meanwhile, we close out the conference by learning that the Devils haven't really done anything, because they're still a year away from going on miracle playoff runs and fat-shaming referees.

The Oilers have lost Dr. Randy Gregg but added Danny Gare. The latter earns a defiant "Who said he wouldn't make the team?" Uh, he lasts 18 games and scores one goal before heading for the broadcast booth, so…somebody who was pretty much right?

The Flames section is a bit of a downer, as first-round pick George Pelawa has recently died in a car crash. At the time, Pelawa was widely rumored to be the subject of the Tom Cochrane classic "Big League," although that's apparently not the case.

We also get a look at a Flames prospect named Brett Hull, who we're told once hit the post in a playoff game. He does see some action during the 1986-87 regular season, but scores only one goal. Bust!

In Winnipeg, a Finnish forward named Hannu Jarvenpaa is "a real find." He manages just 11 career goals, although the Jets do slightly better on another Finnish forward a few years later. Meanwhile, the Canucks are excited about Barry Pederson, who came over in the Neely trade. He actually does OK in Vancouver, posting back-to-back 70-point seasons, but it's fair to say it's not quite enough.

The Kings' section may be my favorite. They've got two prospects, and for once both turn out to be worth the hype. Jimmy Carson scores 50 goals as a teenager and gets traded for Wayne Gretzky, while Luc Robitaille becomes the highest-scoring left winger ever. So yeah, not bad. But the highlight is a baby-faced Robitaille's deadpan and slightly cross-eyed stare into the camera, ending in a smile that lasts a nanosecond.

Finally, it's on to the Norris Division, starting in Chicago where Behn Wilson is hurt and Everett Sanipass "looks good." Also looking good: Those old Blackhawks uniforms without names on them, which we get a look at while hyping Minnesota's Frantisek Musil as a Calder favorite. (He received zero votes; Robitaille won, followed by Hextall and Carson.)

The Blues have lost Jacques Demers to the Red Wings and replaced him with "little-known Jacques Martin." It's fair to say Martin turns out alright. Here, he looks exactly like 2017 Jacques Martin wearing a fake novelty mustache.

The Leafs have Vincent Damphousse, who turns out to be really good, and John Brophy, who turns out to be really fun. In related news, as a young Maple Leafs fan at the time I pronounced Damphousse as "Damp House" for the first few years of his career. And I pronounced Brophy as "the scary old man who looks like he wants to crawl through the TV and eat me."

We close with the Red Wings, where first overall pick Joe Murphy already looks like a bust (he was, at least in Detroit) and Demers needs to pull off a miracle to improve the team. He more or less does, becoming the only coach to ever win back-to-back Jack Adams in his first two years with the Wings.

And that wraps up our look at all the changes NHL teams had made during the 1986 offseason. It all ended up being pointless, as Wayne Gretzky and the Oilers decide to stop scoring into their own net and cruise to the next two Cups, losing just seven playoff games in the process. But don't worry, I'm sure that won't be the case this year!

(There's, uh, not a dominant dynasty with the world's best player out there, right?)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com .

DGB Grab Bag: Frightened Boychuk, Infinite Jagr, and the Muzzin Spot published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv