#I haven't had a chain letter in a million years

[sadpearonmars]

Tag some people you want to get to know better

Tagged by @saiditallbefore

3 Ships: Lestat/everyone and anyone because of course, Finn/Poe/Rey because they deserve better than the last movie, cyborg!Andy Warhol/my current celebrity crush because RPF is a literary tradition and Warhol would have enjoyed the insanity of the internet era

First Ever Ship: David Bowie/Trent Reznor stands out as I actually wrote fic for that. My early ships were a huge variety of bandom things in my early teens.

Last Song: Wet Work by Le Castle Vania

Last Movie: Saltburn (see it oh my god)

Currently Reading: What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon

Currently Watching: The Crown, Pluto

Currently Consuming: Coffee with a little milk

Currently Craving: Chips and salsa, a breakfast taco, a Texas sky

Tagging: @by-ilmater, @psycholox, @ghoulnextdoor @udunie @skyekilaen @sellouttoyourself @aboveusstars (only if you want!)

[11cupid-tarot11]

A letter from your future self.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

1 -> 3

DM me for private readings

$5.55 per question!

C@sh app and PayPal payments only!

Tips appreciated

Cash tag- $minnieplant3

Love y'all!

- Cupid 𖥔 ࣪ ᥫ᭡ꗃ⋆࣪.

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

Pile 1- The star, Two of wands, The devil.

"I think it's time you and I have a talk, I know you know who I'm talking to, yeah I'm talking to myself, but it's not just you and me here, what about little us? Past us? The most important form of ourselves? You haven't been listening to all of us, why? Why do you ignore the child in you who screams to be listened to, to be understood, who just wants to heal like the rest of you. I promise you it's not silly at all to be in tuned with your inner child, I promise you no one's going to hurt you or make you want to hide away again, they can't control your emotions. They only want you to feel so powerless against them, like you're helplessly chained to them, but you have the power to break the chain and run free again, wild. You deserve to follow your dreams, do whatever you want, whatever it is that's been bugging you like a fly in your ear, a project that's always on the back of your mind, the one that just wouldn't go away since you were a child, you can do it, I know you can because I'm already here as proof, but I can't spoil too much. Be creative, shine brightly and never let anyone dim that light. I love you with all my might! ;)

- Me"

Don't forget the poll below!

⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖

Pile 2- The devil in reverse, Three of wands, Justice.

"Hi buttercup! I hope all is well these days, I've been thinking about you so much these days, well let me explain, I've been thinking about how hard we've worked, how far we've come and what we had to do to be here. I know, it's a lot. I'll often look back a lot and think about how unfair things were, how many people were never on your side, how many battles you've had to win on your own and how many you've had to lose. I'll never forget the day we decided we had had enough of our problems, our addictions, the toxicity and just did something about it, we cut that toxic person off, quit that stupid job or finally changed that damn schedule of yours and did something better for your health. Whatever it was we did it <3 and it paid off so much, I'm so happy we did because it led us to better days, so much abundance, everything we've always deserved. We got the justice we've always been searching for in such a cruel world and I'm so proud of us for doing that baby girl! We never gave up, no matter how much we wanted to, how much we wanted to go back to that same place because it was comfortable and we just got so blind sided we never knew we could do so much more if we just put our mind to it! Go us! Go me! Go you!

Love- The version of yourself you were always meant to be 🩷"

Don't forget the poll below! Love you!

˖⁺‧₊˚♡˚₊‧⁺˖.

Pile 3- Six of coins, Ace of wands in reverse, Two of coins in reverse.

"Psst! Remember that project you weren't so sure about? You know the one, well I have a message for you! If you get started with it now I bet you a million bucks you could never guess where you'll be ten years from now. You remember that big house you've always wanted? All of the wealth you've always wanted to share and give back to others? We finally can! We did it! It was always important to give back to the ones we love, to be able to support and live comfortably and we finally did it. Just try not to get too big headed, okay? Remember who you are, where you come from and why you started this in the first place. Don't forget about your loved ones, the ones who supported you through thick and thin. I know your schedule might be busier, just don't forget to find that balance. We're at a very important time in our lives right now, I understand this, but remember to take a break from that damn schedule of yours. Take time for us, okay? I want you to call off as soon as you see a single sign of distress and go to the spa, I promise you're going to need it! ;) "

-Big boss lady (this pile was channeling feminine energy, someone who's in charge of their own business and gives orders to others. Very important business woman vibes here.)

Don't forget to do the poll at the bottom! Love you!

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

[owenryder]

TASK #11 WRITE A LETTER

sensitive / triggering content: none.

Dear Mads,

I'm glad that we didn't work out.

I realize that saying this probably makes me sound callous and insensitive, or maybe even bitter and angry. The ex-boyfriend scoffing loudly at the bar, telling his friend that he is just so glad that things didn't work out with his ex-girlfriend, so much better off without her now. Can live his own life, do what he wanted to do, not have to worry about a ball and chain. But I'm not bitter, or angry, and I've never looked at you that way, not since meeting you years ago at that party, and definitely not now, either.

I've always thought that I was a rebel, a risk taker, someone who went out on a limb and did things just do to them, someone who didn't hesitate to try something when dared, to push himself to the limit. I've traveled to cities and tried foods and downed drinks and drove cars and slept with people and danced and sang and danced again. I've sky dived and scuba dived, I've raced cars and speed boats. I've climbed bridges and I've seen glaciers, I've stayed up all night and I've slept all day. I've seen and I've done so much that I thought I would consider risky.

But when I moved to Merrock, that was a real choice. I've been to this town before, I've visited Greyson, I've stayed overnight in the hotel. Never in a million years did I think that I would have made the move here, to be with you, to see where this relationship that we were both attached to would take us. I took a risk, and it paid off.

I'm glad that we didn't work out.

I think that it would have been okay. I really did love you, and I think some day we might have gotten married, had a couple of kids. Maybe I would have run the art gallery, eventually, and you would have found a way to dedicate your time to charity, feeding the homeless with our baby on your hip. Then again, I probably would have had to trade my car in for an SUV, and I think we both know how much I love that car. But I do think that things between us would have worked out, and we would have been happy. To an extent.

Then again, I look at my life now, and I think that I'm happy. And I'd like to think that you are, too. I'm sure you traveled somewhere, probably to build houses or find clean drinking water. You always were a saint, and I don't mean that in a derogatory way. I mean that in the way that a man says when he looks at a woman with stars in his eyes, because you were always a little too good for me, and I think we both knew that. I hope you've found a true love, someone that you can fall asleep next to every night, and maybe has put a ring on your finger -- maybe you're even married, and have taken his name. I want that for you, for you to be happy, wherever you are, because it's what you deserve out of life. I'm happy, too. I have Iris and Jayla, and we just put in a pool. Plus, Maurice hasn't killed me yet, and I haven't killed the fish I share with Vivienne. (We named him Picasso.) I'm still working at the Garden and the art gallery, and just got a sizeable bonus at the latter after the new owner took over and realized exactly how much work I do. It felt good. I didn't really realize that work could feel good. I didn't realize a lot of things about life.

And I probably wouldn't have if I hadn't moved to Merrock to take a risk and be with you. But... you probably wouldn't have realized your dream, and I probably wouldn't have continued to push myself if we stayed together. It would have been almost too comfortable, and life might have been good, and we might have been happy, but I don't think it would have been what the universe had in store for us. Us breaking up, you leaving town, it made me make a decision for myself to stay somewhere for me, to build a life for me, to do something that was just for me. No matter how much we loved each other, I think there's something bigger out there for both of us. I hope you've found it.

& I'm glad we didn't work out.

x Ryder

[fairylynel]

It's a struggle to know that these people who met me and were close to me when I was in the worst time of my life, dealing with so much at home and mentally, suffering from an eating disorder and self-harm, and the image that they have of me is when I was the most hateful, spiteful, lonely and insecure.

I hated myself so much and I was (and still sort of am) so rejection sensitive, I lashed out so much and people around me had to go through my mood swings, clingyness and calls for attention and I understand that they hate me, I understand that I hurt them, I understand and know that I did so many fucked up things.

I selfishly wish that they knew that I worked really hard to change and I still do. I am trying to break the patterns and bad habits that I did every day. I know it's so selfish, because it's still my need for validation speaking louder.

I wish that they could forgive me for the way I acted and spoke. But I know I will never get that, it would be so unfair to even ask that from them.

Every now and then, I just remember that I was that person, so toxic and hurtful. Everyday I try to move farther and farther from the person I was, but I need to remind myself that I still did those things, I still hurt people who will, probably forever, see me like that.

I have blocked them in most, if not all, social media, for example, because I know that if I didn't do that, I would be 'lurking' and feed the horrible need I have to know everything someone could possibly say about me.

I have millions of accounts blocked actually, especially on Twitter, because I have tried to not interact with anything that can trigger a depressive episode, a panic or anxiety attack. I did that as soon as I joined back to Twitter, because I knew that if I didn't, I would be hurting myself and others again.

I subscribed to dozens of blocklists and even used a block chain add-on and it got, frankly, ridiculous to the point that whenever a friend retweeted or quoted something, I most likely couldn't see it, because it was an account that I blocked without even knowing who they were/are.

The hilarious thing is that I have dropped Twitter entirely, because I started to get so anxious over there that it was not worth it. My account still exists just in case I actually ever want to go back, but I haven't logged in for 2/3 weeks now. All that work to make me feel comfortable and incapable of bothering people was all thrown to the garbage! But it's for the best honestly, if there was a way where I could just access my messages so I could just talk to my friends, I would just do THAT. But otherwise, Twitter is a platform that's just not worth it to me.

But I'm sure that if any of them noticed that I have blocked them, maybe they think I'm just running from them. There's nothing I can do about that, there's truly nothing I can about the way they perceive my actions now. I can't possibly explain why I do what I do now.

It fucking hurts so much that I was so shitty, but it probably hurt those people even more. There are moments where I think about my last attempt and the note and letter I wrote and it was literally me just apologizing over and over, it barely made any sense. I can't find those anymore, I think my mother threw them away, but I wish that I kept it.

This gigantic post is just rambling and venting (was usual), but the tl;dr is that I truly regret everything that happened and the two and half years I spent on therapy, my medication and the work I'm doing right now, after learning healthy coping mechanisms allow me that even at the worst possible times, it's impossible to revert to that person I was.

Yes, I can still be very petty and insecure, my therapist would have to be a miracle worker to fix all my "flaws", but I no longer act on it as much, or at least, towards other people. When my anxiety gets really BAD, I stop what I'm doing and write, do breathing exercises. I still have some toxic thoughts, but I have WAY MORE patience, tolerance and I am no longer impulsive to the point of saying everything that I think or to do hurtful things.

[erinnightwalker]

All aesthetic asks that you haven't answered? :D

O.O Good lord XD

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself? In the car coming home from work today

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know? What people really think of me

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life? My writing. It seems to help people, which is all I can ask for.

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise? This incredible person materialized out of the vast blue sea and offered to catch hummingbirds with me.

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Yeah. Bucket list protocol from when I had cancer would kick in and I would nail all I could.

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things? 1) visit Ireland and the Isle of Mann extensively. At least a month on each. 2) get massively stoned on weed. I’ve never tried it, and I kinda wonder what the hype is about, y’know? Bonus points if I can do it with a certain band. 3) Get at least 2 of my sexual fantasies fulfilled. If I’m going to die, I again wanna know how it feels, instead of acute frustration XD

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail. Already answered!

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood? I didn’t know enough to know it was bad. I hid in books, mostly. And who doesn’t exit childhood with moderate to severe emotional crippling, I mean really.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person? Technically? Last night, but they didn’t know. When the audience knew? Couple months back, when I ripped the last little shred of hope out of my heart and gave it to them.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them. Honestly? either you or @thistlebackedwulver . I feel like you two would enjoy it, and not get bored 10 minutes in and play on your phone instead.

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them? I could have the conversation, but I don’t open up unless I feel comfortable with the person.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you? Months ago, and a good friend online.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom? “I will always love you”, and to my beloved. Which is cheating because there’s more than one, but idgaff

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes? Beautiful. Not as flashy as some, true, but once you look deep you’ll be lost.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally. Also already done!~

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far? Dear God Why Did You Waste The Ink On This Freakshow; and other stories.

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars? Buy a large house and huge parcel of land; must have forest and water features, preferably with private beach. Retrofit house into castle. Outfit at least one housetruck. Set up space for all of my beloved to have a happy home base, should they chose. Set up green house. Set up garden. Library. Barn with assortment of animals. FUND ALL THE CROWDSOURCING CAMPAIGNS. Buy an edition of Viridarium Umbris, dammit. Buy various obscure and expensive books. ART SUPPLIIIIIIIIES. Build a cave. Build a standing stone circle. And travel. And invest in a decent money management agent so maybe I grow that remnant of a billion at the end into a self-sustaining monetary biome.

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way? I can be. Sometimes its a good thing. Sometimes I’d rather gag on that maggot-infested cheese they make in the Mediterranean.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self. Spend time with grandma, you'll lose her oneday. Stop crushing on him, he'll break your heart without ever seeing you'rethere. Keep up with the academics, you're good at them and it will pay off.Silver Ravenwolf is not the greatest author, try a different one. Maybe spend alittle time with more art stuff other than the dragon people and the fairies?Writing's good, keep on keepin' on. Remember that you have power- the futurefootball team cowers, those older than you are not stronger. When you hit highschool fuck running, go for the conditioning class. And careful of the legpressmachine, it'll try to break your knees.

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel? punk, I hope. Not very pastel here.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain. They’re fine. I would actually like to get them, but I fear and abhor needles.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not? No, but I’d like to. My jobs are too physical to permit much.

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way. Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls. First time I felt represented positively in a song. (My ass and hips are a weapon of destruction. I have knocked more things off, over, and around than I can remember....)

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them. Also already answered.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel. I have never been to any, and that makes me sad.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say? Not telling, because I don’t need to cry again.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised? I have one at one of my jobs, and it’s unorganized to the casual observer. I find my shit quite well though.

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine? Get home. Tumblr. Read a little, if I can. Strip and go to bed. If I can’t sleep, Final Fantasy Brave Exvius on the phone til I conk out.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know? My actual orientation. I’d get disowned.

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why? Something obnoxiously bright. Cut my hair to about 3 inches long again all over and have bright-ass Shirley Temple curls, because I fucking could.

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do? @thistlebackedwulver @tomdinky @thegodthief @rootandrock and my friend Luci. Start at the Winchester Mystery House, because that’s just beautiful and fun and spoopy, and then wander to a couple other fun places. Probably hit Frisco too, there’s a lovely spot near Seal Beach that is wonderful.

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them. Again answered ^_^

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up. I’m rather fond of the goth cat girl I ran one year. Hot Topic chain pants, purple cheetah print silk dress, ears and tail, and fancy makeup.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high? Never really been either. Closest I came was mildly tipsy on screwdrivers, and I didn’t really do anything.

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars? Murder of the innocent.

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why? Person. If I like them, yay! If I don’t like them, I can ignore them with music.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love. Yes. Like you’re warm and soft and happy, and falling but you don’t care because they are there and they’re falling with you and catching you and its wonderful. Until they drop you.

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair? I kept my head shaved during chemo. Bald I look like Uncle Fester. I can live with about a inch or so, though I have the urge to punch the folk that make disparaging remarks. The longer it gets the more curly until you get about 5 or 6 inches and the Shirley Temple Curls pull long under their own weight. If I trim it right I get sausage roll curls, and then I have to try really hard not to bite the strangers that twoinge them in passing.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone? Did this one too.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now? The hope of eventual freedom.