#I haven't lived this and can only pass on what my interviewees have said

[sky-scribbles]

I did Taash’s second personal quest today. And every single gender-related aspect felt right. I cried in real time as Taash talked about feeling how their mother had limited their ideas of what they could be. But then when Taash needed advice on handling their gender journey, the dialogue option came up to tell them to ‘embrace Qunari culture’ or ‘embrace Rivaini culture,’ and… what the hell?

It's not just the obvious. Taash clearly should not have to choose between two aspects of their heritage and identity. That is ridiculous. But what really, really gets to me is that to ask Taash what they want when it comes to their gender, I had to encourage them to ‘choose’ being Rivaini over being Qunari.

Here’s the thing. I’m a queer author who’s spent the last year and a half talking to queer people about their experiences (specifically in the aspec community, but these issues are by no means limited to ace and aro folks). And so many queer people of colour, and those from non-Christian religions, have told me the message they keep getting from white, culturally Christian queers is 'If you're not being accepted, just leave your religion/country/community/etc so you can be yourself!' As if their heritage is something that stops them from being themself, rather than being a part of them.

And I see the shadow of this in that dialogue wheel. This suggestion that Taash embracing their nonbinary identity means that they have to reject their Qunari identity. If they want to be out and proud and queer, they have to pull away from a part of the heritage that made them. It's especially uncomfortable to me considering that Bioware have explicitly referred to the Qunari as being Muslim-coded.

Portraying a character with mixed heritage as needing to choose or favour one or the other is bad enough. But that 'choice' should definitely not be conflated with them being able to embrace their queerness. Because that is fucked. Up.

[thewidowstanton]

The best show I've ever seen: Odile Gheysens, Securintimacy

French choreographer Odile Gheysens is no stranger to The Widow Stanton, having been one of our first interviewees when she did an aerial performance in Dominique A’s Au Revoir Mon Amour video. Since then, she has taken her in-SENSO dance company around the world, specialising in aerial dance and tango with a twist. For her latest project, Securintimacy, she and seven other dancers spent two days training with the French Elite Forces to discover how they hone their teamwork. She also tells us about the shows that had a formative effect on her.

By Adrian Arratoon

The Widow Stanton: How did Securintimacy come about? Odile Gheysens: A long time ago I was in countries where there were wars going on, but when I came back to France I could do things like dance tango by the Seine, and I was thinking, 'Oh my God, there aren't any bombs here'. Tango is just two hearts dancing together, and I felt a strong ability to do things like taking a shower or putting some nail varnish on or just some simple things that you do because you feel secure and safe. Weirdly, the Covid-19 pandemic creates the same feeling of security or not; some people don't even hug their friends because they don't feel safe. It's really strange that an old idea I had was to work with the Elite Forces to learn some choreography about being safe.

Then, when the Bataclan attacks happened I was in a clown workshop, so every day I put on a red nose trying to find my clown; for me, finding your clown is really finding your inner child, so it's very intimate and challenging. And at the same time on the news they were talking about Bataclan, and I thought if some people had to deal with that, I could 'find my clown'.

What was it like working with the Elite Forces? I approached them via a personal contact and we spent two days with them. The people we met work in jails when there are riots. We learned how they enter a cell, how they subdue the people if they have to take them to the judge or to a court, how they have to act if there is a terrorist or someone hitting someone else, or when there is a big riot.

The interesting thing is the notion of a group because when you have the hands of your partner on your shoulder you focus on what you have to do. You cannot say, 'OK, let's go this way…', you have to feel what your partner is doing, and it's such a dance.

What was the main thing you learned from the Forces? The group relationship. If you are alone you're not safe; you're in danger and you put your partners in danger. So there is this notion, and in the body it's so strong. It’s really interesting, we did two days and after that we dancers improvised and two of the elite forces came with us and joined in. They said: "We cannot dance," and we said: "But do what you know. Do what you do in your job." All the movements they were doing were so special and precise, because it's their job. So we were transforming what we learned. We also did something where we formed a line holding a rope. We were wearing gas masks and we couldn’t see, very loud music was being played and we had a hand grenade in our hands – to make us concentrate. It was fake but we only found that out afterwards [laughs]. But I really felt that it was a live one so I had better be careful. The music was really loud, you can't see your partner and you have to change hands to pass the bomb along the line. So this created a very strong connection between the dancers.

They told us that our bodies moved really quickly because they train young men, and they are very clumsy. At the end we said to the Forces that we've come to see you, people hate you, people insult you and you as Forces maybe think us artists are lazy, or non-essential. We have clichés about them, they have clichés about us, but when we met something happened and we came to understand each other. It was a very strong emotion that we shared with each other.

So what will you be performing on 29 May? We're doing 10 minutes because there are 11 choreographers in the Fabrique de la Danse, and we are all doing short pieces from all our shows that we've developed in this special year.

In the UK it's been difficult for people to get together. How have you been rehearsing? In France you can rehearse if you're a professional, so we're lucky. We can be in a dance studio, we can move our bodies, no masks.

Now I must ask, what is the best show you've ever seen? When I was very young, before I decided to stop ballet, I saw Carolyn Carlson and Maguy Marin, and for me it was a big shock. I was 12, and after seeing the show I said, 'Ah, OK, I don't want to do ballet, I want to do that'. [Laughs] It was in Lille at the Opéra. Carolyn Carlson was doing Blue Lady, and Maguy Marin was doing La Jeune Fille et La Mort. For me this was a big shock. Carolyn is in a piece of fabric that is elastic, so she is somehow pulled around. I don't know, I pictured myself there; it was the body but not in a ballet way with beautiful movements, although I like ballet for what it is. And I've met her many times now, and she's very impressive; she's really someone.

And does she know how much of an effect she had on you? Hmmm, I don't think so, but I think she had an effect on many dancers. And I've worked with two of her very good dancers.

Was it unusual for you to have gone to see contemporary dance? No, my parents took me to ballet, opera and theatre many times. I also love theatre and opera. For me opera is one of the most complete arts because there is singing, acting, music, and I've been to Opera Bastille many times because it's close to my house in Paris, and I've seen so many of them I don't even know which one would be my favourite. Sometimes it's the music, sometimes the direction, sometimes the singers, but opera is something that touches me a lot.

And also there was the show Maria de Buenos Aires, choreographed by Gigi Caciuleanu, which features music by Ástor Piazzolla, and this was my first shot of tango. It was in a theatre in Roubaix. It was the first time I had really been affected by tango. It was a kind of opera/dance. Maybe if I saw it now I might find it kind of classical but at that time it was a strong experience. I haven't seen that many tango shows that allow us to transform tango. Either it's too much tango with dresses and heels or, I dunno, it's men and women 'fighting', you know?

A 10-minute extract from Securintimacy will be shown at Le Carreau du Temple in Paris on 29 May, presented by La Fabrique de la Danse. For more information click here.