— you love too easy | hitoshi shinsou (m.)
pairing: hitoshi shinsou/f!reader
genre: angst, fluff, smut
wordcount: 𝟾𝟹𝟾𝟶
cw: childhood friends!au, roommate!au
tags: unrequited love, pining, toxic relationship (oc x shinsou), brief kaminari x reader, cunnilignus, dirty talk, pet names, praise kink, fingering, size kink, loss of virginity, light virgin kink, creampie, squirting, angst with a happy ending
note: sorry if u like kaminari. i made him a huge douchebag in this. i swear i like him i just needed a character to be,,,,well, a douchebag.
— all your life you'd been by his side. you've loved him since you could remember. you've always been by his side so why did he give his heart away to everyone but you; the one who would treat it right?
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© all content belongs to seita 2020. do not modify or repost.
He fell in love too easily. You knew that your entire life. He’d give his heart away to anyone and everyone, fully and with everything he had. He loved with every fiber of his being. And it always ended in disaster.
You couldn’t count how many nights you’d spent by his side rubbing his back as he cried because his girlfriend lied to him, comforting him as he hunched over a toilet after crying himself sick because his girlfriend cheated on him, or forcing him to eat because he got so depressed after she ignored him.
It was an endless cycle.
Yet you were always there to build him back up -- to pick up the pieces.
Ever since the first girlfriend he had in Kindergarten that lasted for 2 days and ended in his tears up to the girl he dated in senior year of highschool who cheated on him with her ex...you were the one to fix him.
Yes, Hitoshi Shinsou fell in love far too easily and way too hard.
The thought that kept you awake every night, however, was why couldn’t it be you? You were the one who took the best care of his heart -- being the one to piece it back together every time it was broken. He didn’t need to love anyone else. If he just loved you, he would never have to worry if he just gave his heart to you.
But he never would.
Because he didn’t love you like you loved him.
You’d known him since you were babies -- your parents were friends in highschool and it went on well into adulthood.
Naturally, the two of you grew close -- it was inevitable. Your crush on him developed in childhood -- you two got lost in the mall after you strayed away and he kept you safe and calm until you found your parents, his hand clasped tightly around yours as he let you cling to him. That was the first time you realized he made your cheeks feel warm and your tummy fluttery.
Your parents always joked that the two of you would fall in love and get married. It was nearly impossible for that idea not to be imprinted in your mind.
Except, it was never an idea he entertained.
Part of you felt foolish. You were a grown adult with a crush that you’d harbored since childhood -- pathetic, one-sided crush at that.
The thing was, unlike Shinsou, you’d never dated before. It was never something you desired. Sure, you had confessions and love letters but you’d never once accepted them. You just couldn’t see yourself being with anyone but him.
Upon graduating, the two of you realized how terrible it was to be 18 trying to make it in the adult world. After a few years of fumbling and nearly getting kicked out by not making your rent payments on time, you decided that rooming together would be the best idea.
It was a foolproof plan; you’d known each other for your whole lives so it wasn’t like you’d suddenly hate each other, you knew he was responsible with his money and you were too, and he was a quiet, chill guy so there wouldn’t be any obnoxious ruckus.
What you didn’t think about, however, was him bringing girls home.
“This is Aoi,” he introduced, motioning to the smiling girl beside him, “Aoi, this is _____...she’s my best friend.”
“And his roommate,” you added, holding your hand out politely.
“Oh you...live together?” you didn’t miss the distaste in her tone as she reached out to give you a weak handshake, pulling away as quickly as she could. She immediately wrapped her arms around his and he leaned how to press a kiss to the top of her head.
Ouch. That made your heart hurt.
Of course, it was nothing new. This was something you’d been through time and time again.
What you hadn’t accounted for, was her dislike of you. Naturally, his past girlfriends hadn’t always been fond of you -- after all, you were a big part of their boyfriend’s life. And jealousy was a fickle disease.
But Aoi’s dislike bordered on hatred and disgust over you. Every chance she got, she was pulling Shinsou away from you with some thinly veiled excuse. It seemed your best friend was none the wiser as well.
You couldn’t blame him -- he was in love. Unfortunately.
Aoi’s glares were ice cold, often sending shivers down your spine when she set it upon you. It was uncomfortable to say the least. She was at your place often enough for you to take up the art of avoiding her.
That is until one day when things seemed to come to a head for her. You weren’t sure what you did but you found yourself cornered in the kitchen one evening while Shinsou was taking a shower -- leaving just the two of you alone.
“Listen to me,” Aoi spat, arms crossed over her chest, making her look petulant, “You need to back off of Toshi.”
“Uhh...what?” you grunted, looking up from the glass of chocolate milk you were pouring.
“Stay away from him!” she spat.
“We literally live together,” you rolled your eyes, capping the pint of milk, “I can’t stay away from him.”
“You know what I mean,” she hissed, clearly pissed off by your sarcasm. She marched up to you, grabbing your upper arm in a vice grip, her acrylic nails pinching your skin, “I see the way you look at him. I know that look in your eye. You love him.”
Your mind blanked, mouth opening but failing to produce any words. She smirked smugly, stepping back and crossing her arms again.
“I…” your brows came together as you shook your head, finally putting the milk away.
“I knew it,” she huffed, “You can’t take him from me. Toshi is mine so you better remember that. You have no idea what I can do to you.”
With that parting threat, she stormed out of the kitchen back to Shinsou’s bedroom. You felt tears sting your eyes, feeling utterly humiliated by her.
Another thing about Hitoshi Shinsou is he’s terribly dense sometimes. You had no idea how he managed to miss the horrifying tension between you and Aoi. But he somehow did.
The three of you sat in the living room -- the two of them cuddled on the couch while you curled up under a throw blanket with your phone open to Twitter on the loveseat. They were watching some movie Aoi picked out that you knew Shinsou hated, but he watched it anyway. The thought made you bitter.
You’d never make him watch movies he hated. That’s just selfish.
You let out a sigh, catching your best friend’s attention immediately.
“What is it, darlin’?” he asked, the usual pet name he used for you making your stomach flutter. Aoi’s eyes narrowed in distaste at it but he paid her no mind.
“Oh, I’ve just got a bit of a headache,” you mumbled, locking your phone to look over at him.
He frowned, concerned, pulling his arm from around his girlfriend’s shoulders. She whined at the loss, attempting to pull him back but he paid her no mind.
He disappeared from the living room to the kitchen. You could hear the refrigerator open before he began shuffling around the cabinets.
“You’re not slick,” Aoi hissed, keeping her voice low, “Why don’t you just go away. Don’t you think he’d prefer to be alone with his girlfriend? You’re just a third wheel.”
You didn’t get to reply before Shinsou returned, holding a glass of your chocolate milk and a couple pills. He smiled, handing everything to you before taking a seat with Aoi again. She immediately clung to him with a whine.
“Thank you Toshi,” you smiled, popping the pills in your mouth before taking a quick gulp of the milk.
“Anytime, darlin’” he smiled, turning his attention back to the movie he hated.
Part of you felt prideful that he was willing to pull himself away from his girlfriend to take care of you. She clearly saw you as competition and you couldn’t deny the giddy feeling it gave you when you proved to her that you meant something to Shinsou.
You noticed very quickly when Shinsou stopped calling you by his nickname. It baffled you and you didn’t hesitate to bring it up to him.
“Ah, Aoi mentioned she doesn’t like it when I call other girls pet names,” he rubbed the back of his neck in that familiarly anxious way of him. He was avoiding your gaze, further ticking you off.
“I’m not other girls, Hitoshi,” he visibly cringed at hearing his full name, “I’m your best friend. You’ve always called me that.”
He sighed, biting his lip, clearly torn, “Sorry _____,” you frowned at the sound of your name. It seemed so foreign hearing it where he’d usually call you ‘darlin’’, “She is my girlfriend and it’d be shitty of me to neglect her wishes. I want this to work, you know?”
You rolled your eyes, arms crossing over your chest, “This is stupid Hitoshi.”
He sighed, clearly growing annoyed as well, “Look, you’re just my friend, alright? So back off.”
Your jaw fell open at those words, tears already starting to sting at your eyes, “Just your friend? That’s low, Hitoshi. I am not just your friend and you know it.”
He groaned, running a hand through his already messy hair, “You’re starting to sound jealous and clingy, _____. It’s not a good look.”
Feeling that the tears were going to spill any moment, you shook your head and stormed past him, “Screw you Shinsou.”
You slammed your bedroom door, missing the sight of him burying his face in his hands. Hearing you address him by his last name was even worse than hearing his first.
Things remained tense between the two of you for a week. You had really been hurt by his words. You always thought you meant a lot to him -- that you’d never be the person who was pushed aside for a relationship. You never thought Shinsou would do that.
As a result, you made no effort to even speak to him. Sometimes you’d pass him while he sat on the couch, Aoi snuggled up to him. Whenever you made eye contact with you, she held this smug, superior look that made you want to clock her.
You’d never hated a girlfriend of his more.
Finally, Shinsou gave in. He couldn’t stand not having you to talk to. There was this heavy feeling lingering on his shoulders every time he thought about the cold way you called him by his last name. He never wanted to be addressed like that by you.
There were a series of knocks on your door and you paused, debating on ignoring him. He knocked again when you took too long to answer.
“Come in,” you groaned, putting your laptop aside to give him your attention.
“Hey,” he smiled half-heartedly as he slipped into your room, closing the door behind him.
“What do you want?” you asked, no bite in your voice.
He sighed, taking a seat beside you on the bed, “I want to apologize for what I said. I know that hurt your feelings so I’m sorry.”
You were quiet for a moment before you sat up straighter, “Hitoshi...I don’t want you to become a different person because of a girl.”
“What do you mean?” he frowned.
You sighed, “I think she’s a bad influence on you, Toshi.”
He softened briefly at your use of his nickname but it was quickly replaced by a cold stare that sent shivers down your spine, “A-A bad influence? I’m not a kid, _____.”
You frowned, “You don’t have to be a kid to be negatively influenced by another person's toxicity, Hitoshi.”
“You think she’s toxic?” he scoffed, standing up, “You don’t even know her. You’ve barely even spoken to her.”
“Well the bit that I have spoken to her was not pleasant,” you spat, moving to sit at the edge of the bed with your feet on the floor, “I don’t think she’s good for you.”
“What are you, my mother now?” he growled, spinning around to glare at you, “Maybe I was wrong...maybe you are just jealous.”
“How am I acting jealous?” you cried, growing frustrated, “Caring about your wellbeing is jealousy now?”
“Oh get off it,” he groaned, “What’s she done then, huh? Tell me.”
You paused, remembering her threat. But you were so pissed off you couldn’t keep it in anymore, “She’s threatened me to stay away from you. She’s so insecure about our friendship she threatened me over it! Said you were hers and I better remember that. She’s crazy!”
“She didn’t say that,” he argued, eyes narrowed maliciously, “You’re just making shit up to make her look bad now. That’s really low, _____.”
“You asked me to tell you what she did and then you just don’t believe me?!” you screeched, tossing your hands up in exasperation.
“I thought you’d tell me the truth, not make up some pathetic lie!” he shouted, making you flinch.
“Pathetic?” you breathed, shoulders sagging, “Is that what you think of me?”
He was quiet for a moment, jaw set. He seemed to be thinking his words carefully, which made his next even more painful, “Yeah. I do. This jealousy and lying of yours is pathetic. I get if you don’t like her but don’t make up shit about her,” he made way for the door, yanking it open, “Grow the fuck up, ______.”
You didn’t get a chance to reply before he was slamming your door shut. All at once, your emotions came crashing down and you buried your face in your pillow to silence your sobs.
Your eyes fluttered open and you groaned, feeling your head pound. A glance out the window showed that it was nighttime. You had fallen asleep.
You climbed out of bed to your desk to find your packet of headache pills. You let out a sigh of relief as you swallowed them down with the bottle of water sat on your nightstand. Flopping back into bed, you closed your eyes and attempted to relax your body.
Just as it seemed that you were going to fall back asleep, there was a loud noise from past your door. You frowned, your eyes fluttering open in confusion.
It came again and it took you a moment to realize what it was. A woman’s moan.
“Toshi!” you heard her squeal, making you flinch.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” you hissed, feeling those tears come burning their way back.
“That feel good, baby? Let me hear you,” he growled and your hands flew up to cover your ears to muffle the sounds of her pleasure.
This was low for Shinsou. Sure, he’d had sex with girlfriends before but he always made sure to keep it down for your sake. Now he was just doing it to dig at you.
He wasn’t wrong about your jealousy but you knew he thought you were jealous over his attention being taken away. But that wasn’t the case at all. It was because you were in love with him.
Now he was forcing you to listen to him fuck the girlfriend you literally had a fight over. This wasn’t like Shinsou at all.
She really was just a terrible influence on him but he was too in love to see it. She was making him into a different person and you hated it. It was happening so quickly.
As you laid in bed, tears wetting your bed as you hid your head under your pillow, you couldn’t help but think.
The stupid fool really fell in love way too easily.
Things went from bad to worse astonishingly fast. Aoi was over more often than she had been before. The snotty comments and humiliating words from her every time you saw her and the cold, deadly glare Shinsou set on you whenever you came anywhere near his girlfriend was wearing on you.
You were unhappy. It was an emotion you rarely ever felt around him -- Shinsou was always the one to pick you up, not put you down. It got to the point where he wouldn’t even respond to your greetings or questions, giving you the complete silent treatment.
It hurt.
To escape the suffocating negativity of your apartment, you picked up even more shifts at work. The video game shop became a place you found solace in.
If Shinsou noticed your absence, he didn’t make it known to you.
“Will that be all for you today?” you asked, plastering on a fake, customer service smile onto your face.
“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled, slapping down a few bills to cover the charge, “But I think I’d like to add your number to my receipt.”
You took a moment to look at him. He had blonde hair with a lightning bolt of black through it. He was dressed in black jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket. He was cute, you’d give him that.
“Is that the best you could come up with?” you asked, opening the register with a brow raised.
He giggled, making you smile despite yourself, “I was on a time crunch I didn’t want to miss my chance.”
“Who said you had a chance to begin with?” you asked, passing him his change, “3.14 is your change.”
“Well, I was hoping you’d give one to me,” he shrugged, stuffing the change into his pocket before grabbing the bagged video game he’d purchased.
You gazed at him for a moment. He was charismatic and cute. He liked video games just like you. And he’d be a great distraction.
“Sure, why not?” you mused, watching his eyes go wide.
“Wait really?” he gasped, a grin stretching across his face.
“Did you think I’d say no?” you asked.
“U-Usually I get rejected so…” he shrugged, scratching the back of his head with a cute blush reaching his ears, “Anyway, when’s your shift end?”
“Um...closing time, so about 8:30,” you replied, glancing at the clock. 5 hours left.
“Sweet, I’ll pick you up!” he grinned.
“I-I’ll have to change though!” you complained, making him pause and shake his head.
“Don’t worry about it!” with those parting words, he bolted out the door, the bell chiming to signal his departure.
As he disappeared from view, you realized you didn’t even know his name.
You would come to find he was Denki Kaminari; a college student majoring in graphic design. He had a friend named Katsuki Bakugou who was as loud as he was angry. Eijirou Kirishima was a kind, chill guy who mellowed out the explosive Bakugou well. Mina and Sato, two friends-turned-lovers, were a common source of laughter for the group.
You were together for a little over a month and a half when he finally asked to meet your friends. Truth be told, the only person you could consider a friend would be Shinsou. You had acquaintances and those you hung real casually with but Shinsou was the only person you’d consider a friend.
Well, you weren’t sure if he could even be called that anymore.
Eventually, you gave in and decided to bring Kaminari to your apartment.
“Whoa, nice place,” he mumbled, looking around.
“You think so? Thanks,” you smiled, leading him towards the living room, “Like I said...things are...tense between me and Hitoshi so…”
“Who’re you?” a familiar voice came from the entry of the hallway.
Shinsou stood there, messy hair and tired eyed wearing basketball shorts and an oversized t-shirt. His eyes burned holes into Kaminari, who visibly shrunk beneath the heated glare. You took note of how Shinsou didn’t even look at you.
That still hurt.
“I’m Denki Kaminari,” the blonde replied, approaching Shinsou to shake his hand, “I’m _____’s boyfriend!”
You didn’t miss the shift in Shinsou’s look, his eyebrows perking up ever so slightly. His gaze finally shifted to you before he scoffed from his nose, making you wince.
“Alright,” Shinsou mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets before turning his back to the both of you, stalking back to his room with a slam of the door.
Kaminari winced, “Boy, you weren’t kidding.”
“Yeah,” you sighed, motioning him to follow you, “Let’s head to my room. I don’t know if Aoi is here or not and I don’t care to find out.”
“I kinda wanna meet her too,” your boyfriend whispered, lowering his voice so it didn’t carry to Shinsou.
“No you don’t,” you chuckled, shutting your bedroom door once the two of you were safely inside.
You sat beside him on the bed, reaching for your remote to click the TV on for background noise. He cuddled in beside you, commenting on how soft your bed was.
“You smell really good,” he suddenly whispered, nosing at your neck.
You blinked in surprise, moving your head so he could get a better angle, “Th-Thanks…”
He hummed as you shivered once he pressed a few soft kisses against your neck. It tickled a bit but also sent a strange tingle down your spine the more he kissed. Your heart hammered in your chest and you briefly wondered if Denki could hear it.
He cupped your jaw, pulling you into a deep kiss. His tongue met your bottom lip, making you sigh against his lips.
You barely noticed his hand crawling up your shirt until it snuck beneath the band of your bra. The unfamiliar feeling of someone cupping your breast had you pulled away, tugging on Kaminari’s hand to pull him away.
“W-We shouldn’t…” you whispered, unsure of how to reject him, “W-With Shinsou the way he is…”
Kaminari looked skeptical for a second before nodding his head, “Got it.”
And that was that.
At least you thought until he began trying more and more. It became common for you to find his hand up your shirt. The feeling made you uneasy, making you realize you really weren’t ready to have sex. Kaminari was your first boyfriend and you weren’t willing to give everything up to him like that.
“Why do you always stop me?” Kaminari asked one day, voice soft and reassuring.
“I just…” you cleared your throat, biting your lip, “I don’t want to go that far yet.”
He was quiet for a moment before smiling and nodding his head, pulling you closer to him with a kiss to your forehead. Your body relaxed, thankful that he wasn’t angry with you like you had feared he would be.
He began following your wishes, no longer attempting to go past kissing. You were thankful.
Unfortunately, your bliss didn’t last long because next thing you knew, he was dumping you. Over text.
You had just got home from work, your feet aching and dread pooling in your stomach at the idea of being home. You were so tired of being scared to come home, it was exhausting. Shinsou was sitting on the couch, eating something he’d made himself for dinner with his back to you. He didn’t even show any signs that he knew you were home.
Lingering by the door, you pulled your phone out to check your notifications.
One from Denki made your heart stop -- the preview text already displaying what you feared. Your fingers were trembling as you unlocked your phone to look at the message.
As you read it, the words grew blurrier until tears began to drip onto your screen -- further obscuring the words there.
A small whimper escaped your throat, despite the way you tried to choke down any sounds. You quickly scurried to get to your bedroom when a strong hand snagged your wrist. Wide eyed, you were spun around to find Shinsou wearing a frown and furrowed brows.
“Why are you crying?” he asked, voice stern with concern.
You shook your head, feeling pathetic. You didn’t like Kaminari that much. Truthfully, you were mostly dating him to get away from Shinsou. But the idea that you were dumped because you wouldn’t have sex was utterly humiliating. Your first real boyfriend dumped you because you wouldn’t put out.
“You were right,” you sniffled, unable to hold back the sob that tore through your chest, “I am pathetic.”
He didn’t have the chance to even think of a reply before you were escaping his hold to hide away in your bedroom. You haphazardly stripped and changed into your softest set of clothes, deciding you were going to wallow in your own self pity for the night.
Your humiliation overshadowed the fact Shinsou had shown you the first sign of care in weeks. He had reacted to your crying just as he always had and instinctively moved to comfort you.
You could hear muffled voices from the hallway, one male and one female. The fact he brought her over after you just had a near meltdown in front of him irked you and only brought more tears forth.
A sense of anger rushed over you -- you didn’t want her there. This was your house and you didn’t want her there while you were going through it. You had half a mind to go out there and kick her out, maybe Shinsou would let it slide since you were clearly having a tough time.
What you didn’t expect were the shouts coming from them. You frowned and walked towards your door, cracking it open to listen to their shouting from the living room.
“You’re kicking me out?!” Aoi cried.
“I’m not kicking you out,” Shinsou sighed, “You don’t live here. I’m just asking you to go home for the night, Aoi.”
“Why should I?” Aoi argued, “Because she’s upset? Who cares!”
“I care!” Shinsou snapped.
Aoi scoffed, “Oh yeah, since when? Last I checked you picked me over her!”
“I didn’t pick anyone over anyone,” Shinsou huffed.
“Really?” Aoi’s tone was dripping in sarcasm, “You haven’t paid her a second of attention since your little fight. I doubt you even noticed how she’s been working full-time instead of part-time. Why do you think that is? To get away from you! Not that I give a shit, but you have been treating her like dirt. So don’t even try and pretend you give a shit, I know you don’t. You only feel bad because she’s crying. Once she gets over it you’ll just come back to me in the end. So just let her sulk by herself, she’s a big girl.”
Shinsou was quiet after that. You were sure he wasn’t even going to respond but you continued to stand there and listen. The apartment was silent, you could even hear the ticking of the decorative clock Shinsou’s mother had given you both.
“She was right, huh?” he finally whispered.
“Huh?” Aoi replied, clearly annoyed.
“I really did let you turn me into someone else,” he sighed, “God, I’m so stupid.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Hitoshi?” she snapped, growing impatient over the argument.
“You should leave,” Shinsou said, voice strong once again, “You and I are done.”
“What?!” Aoi shrieked, stomping her foot, “You can’t dump me! Not for her!”
“Get out, Aoi,” Shinsou growled, yanking the front door open.
She scoffed, “Don’t come crawling back to me when you learn she isn’t worth it.”
The slam of the door signalled the end. Silence ensued and you slipped back into your room, letting your door shut silently.
Just as you expected, there were a few soft knocks on your door. You didn’t reply but he opened up anyway, peeking in to find you sitting on the bed with your head hung.
“I assume you heard all that,” he said, cupping the back of his neck nervously.
“Yeah, kind of hard to miss,” you mumbled, feeling awkward about sharing this moment with him.
You didn’t look up when he sat down beside you. With a sudden tug, you found yourself wrapped up in a sweet embrace.
“Why were you crying? Did something happen with that Kaminari dude? Did he hurt you?” his concern brought forth a new flood of tears that you let go.
“He dumped me,” you whined, clinging to the front of his shirt.
“Why?” he asked, petting your hair softly.
You scoffed, shame building up inside you, “Because I didn’t want to have sex with him.”
Immediately he pushed you back by your shoulders to look at your face, “He dumped you ‘cause you wouldn’t fuck him?”
“Yeah,” you mumbled, avoiding his gaze, “He said he had needs and he wasn’t willing to wait for me to put out.”
“Jesus,” Shinsou scoffed, shaking his head, “What a prick,” he pulled you into his chest again with a sigh, “It’s good you didn’t sleep with him then. He wouldn’t have been worth it.”
“Yeah, I would have regretted it,” you nodded, “I’m not even sad he broke up with me. I just feel like shit that it was over sex. He was my first boyfriend and I got dumped because I wasn’t ready...that sort of feels shitty, you know?”
Shinsou nodded, resting his cheek atop your head, “I understand. It’s like a blow to your self-esteem, yeah?”
“Exactly,” you sniffled, your tears finally coming to a stop as he held you and let you talk, “I didn’t like him enough to sleep with him anyway. Even if I was ready.”
Shinsou chuckled, “Well, I’m glad you’re not heartbroken over it.”
You were quiet for a long moment before you pulled away from him, “How are you? I know you liked Aoi.”
Shinsou frowned, looking at his hands in his lap before shrugging, “I actually don’t really feel anything.”
“Really?” you asked, surprised. Usually he would be in tears by now. But he was right, there wasn’t even an ounce of sadness in his eyes.
He nodded, “All I really cared about was you. I guess realizing what she really was wiped out anything I felt for her. Truthfully, it was probably going to be over soon anyway.”
“Why do you say that?” you asked.
“We just didn’t have good chemistry, I suppose. The sex was great but beyond that we didn’t really share any common interests,” he explained, leaning back on his hands with a sigh.
You cringed at the mention of sex -- remembering the night you sobbed as you were forced to listen to them go at it. Shinsou seemed to notice your discomfort, leaning up straight once more to take your hands in his.
“I’m sorry, ______,” he breathed, making you look up at him, “I was such a fuckin’ asshole to you. You didn’t deserve that and if you chose to never forgive me I would understand. But I promise I will never let a girl come first again. You’re my best friend, you’re the entire world to me and you will always be here when all the girls leave, I know that. No one can ever replace you.”
His words caused a flood of tears to flood down your cheeks again. You threw your arms around his shoulders, tugging him into a desperate hug. He wrapped his arms around your waist, fisting the back of your shirt with his face buried in your neck.
“I will always be here, Toshi,” you hiccuped, “I really will. It doesn’t matter if you choose the next 50 girls over me, I would never let you go. I would rather live with you ignoring me and making me cry over not having you at all.”
He sighed, tears of his own falling from his eyes and wetting your skin but you didn’t mind, “I would never ask that of you.”
“You don’t have to,” you whispered, voice trembling. You couldn’t stop the next words from coming, you didn’t even try, “That’s how strong my love is for you, Toshi. I would do anything for your happiness. I’ll let you cry on my shoulder when girl after girl breaks your heart, even though it hurts so damn much because I know I would never, ever let you down like that. I’ll sit with you in the living room while another girl is wrapped in your arms, desperately wishing it was me, because you want me and her to be friends. You don’t even know it but you have every bit of me,” your voice broke as you let out a sob, taking a stuttering breath before continuing, “I never dated because I only ever loved you. You’re the only one I ever want to love. I don’t even care if you don’t feel the same, Toshi, I just needed you to know...I have loved you since we were kids. Whenever your mom joked that we would get married, I used to go to sleep hoping it would come true one day. You’re it for me, you know?”
Shinsou was still, every muscle in his body tense against you. You remained relaxed, relishing in being held in his arms even though it very well may be the last time you would ever experience it. His tears had stopped and you could feel his hands trembling against your back from where he was still holding your shirt in tight fists.
Finally, slowly, he pulled away. You avoided his gaze, scared of what you may find there. With trembling fingers, he lifted your chin until you were finally forced to meet his gaze.
“______…” he whispered, your voice like honey on his lips, “Is that true? Since we were kids?”
You chuckled through your still falling tears, “Remember that time at the summer festival when I wandered off and you had to chase me? And I got scared because I couldn’t find our parents? When you let me hold onto you and you kept reassuring me that everything was okay…” you shrugged, your voice cracking as you uttered, “I knew I loved you then. And I love you to this day.”
His wide eyes were glassy as he stared at you, mouth agape in his shock. It was so much for him to take in.
Before you knew what was happening, he was leaning in and pressing his lips against yours. Your vision went white for a second in shock at the feeling.
His lips were soft and as you began to kiss back, you tasted coffee on his lips. Typical of Shinsou, it was late at night and he was still drinking coffee. The thought made you smile and you wrapped your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. He cupped the back of your head, a soft sigh escaping him as he moved his lips expertly until you were breathless.
After a long moment, he pulled away. The both of you were panting, eyes lidded as you processed what just happened.
“Toshi…” you whispered, feeling euphoric after kissing him, “I don’t understand.”
He shook his head, cupping your cheek, “All you need to know...is that I love you too.”
You gaped at those words coming from his lips. Surging forward, you pressed your lips against his again. He smiled into the kiss, leaning further against you until you were forced to lay back against the mattress. His body was hovering above yours, held up by his elbows on either side of your head.
He wasted no time in touching your body, years of desperation finally culminating into this one moment. His hand slid beneath your shirt, pushing the hem up to expose the soft skin of your belly. He paused at your ribs, unsure if you were okay with him going any further. But when you gripped his wrist and urged his hand up to cup your breast, he threw away those inhibitions.
Thumbing your sensitive nipple, you keened as they hardened beneath his touch. He leaned down a bit more to press his lips against yours.
You lost yourself against his lips, whimpering and grinding against nothing. Just the fact the man you’d loved for so long was there touching you after years of craving it had your panties soaked.
“You’re so pretty,” he whispered, breaking from the kiss to kiss down your body.
You trembled beneath him, watching him with rapt attention as he kissed the exposed skin of your stomach and ribs. Sighing, you let him push your shirt over your head to discard off the side of the bed. He leaned forward, enveloping one of the pert buds in his hot mouth, tonguing at it until you were whining and begging him to give attention to the other one. He did so eagerly, providing a stimulating suck before finally pulling away. His lips were swollen and his cheeks were flushed, the very fact you made him that way was dizzying.
“Wanna taste that perfect cunt too, baby,” he growled, voice losing the soft, sweetness it once held.
“O-Okay,” you agreed easily, raising your hips so he could tug the last remaining articles off of your body.
The second you were bare, his hands were pinning your thighs open. His eyes examined every inch of your pussy -- taking in the juices dripping from your clenching hole.
“You’re so fucking wet,” he groaned, using his thumbs to spread your folds apart, “so pretty too, god. Look at you...you’re perfect. Bet you’re so sweet…”
“Please Toshi…” you whimper, reaching down to tangle your fingers into his hair.
His eyes fluttered at the feeling, allowing you to pull him to your pussy where he eagerly ran his tongue flat between your spread folds. You gasped, eyes slamming shut as he paused to wrap his lips around your clit for just a split second. The teasing touch was addictive and you suddenly wanted more.
Shinsou understood what it is you wanted and quickly dove back in for more. Circling his tongue around your clit, your back arched. You wanted to close your thighs against the stimulation but his strong hands kept your legs pinned open.
He swirled his tongue quickly, moaning before enveloping the bud in his hot mouth. You tugged his hair, crying out his name as you felt a high approaching rapidly. He looked so good between your thighs, eating your cunt like you’d dreamed of for ages.
Suddenly, he pulled away, licking his lips before sitting up.
“Fuck, tell me babygirl,” he breathed, “You gonna let me fuck this pretty cunt?” you nodded, reaching to push his shit up but he stopped you, looking you in the eyes, “Use your words. Tell me.”
“Yes, please fuck me Shinsou!” you begged.
He grinned, pressing a kiss against your lips before stripping himself of his clothes.
You almost gasped at the sight of his cock. He was big; long and thick. Subconsciously, you clenched your thighs together in anticipation.
“You ready?” he asked, scooting to sit between your spread legs.
You tensed up as he prodded your entrance with the fat head of his cock. He realized how tense you were and ran his hand along your thigh to soothe you, “You good? You can back out anytime, darlin’.”
You swallowed thickly, feeling your cheeks heat up as you looked at him through your lashes, “I-It’s just...go slow?”
He frowned, brows drawn together before he backed away from you a bit, “Is this your first time, sweetheart?”
Licking your lips, you hesitated before nodding. Shinsou sighed, hanging his head to rest against your collarbone. You frowned, “I-Is that bad?” you asked.
Truth was, you never wanted anyone but him. You never had a desire to have sex with anyone but him. You knew he was the one person you’d never regret being with.
“No!” he sat up, eyes wide before wrapping his hand around the nape of his neck nervously, “I just wish you would have told me sooner...that was almost bad.”
“Why?” you asked,making him chuckle. He shook his head and pressed a kiss to your forehead.
“Well…” clearing his throat, he looked off to the side bashfully, “My dick’s not exactly the smallest around and since you’re a virgin you could do with...a lot more preparation, you know?”
Your cheeks were ablaze from the bluntness of his words. He didn’t waste another second in bringing his hand to your still wet pussy.
He sighed, a smile lingering on his lips as he worked his middle finger into your tight hole. Humming, he bit his lip as he slipped his ring finger alongside it. You sighed, eyes fluttering at the mild stretch that came along with it.
“Feel okay?” he asked softly, working the two fingers in and out of your hole.
You nodded, “Feels good,” you breathed.
Your eyes fell closed as he crooked his fingers upwards to touch that sweet spot on top. Your hips jumped at the sensation, ripping a moan from your swollen lips. He smirked, burying the digits deep, licking his lips at the way your juices gushed out from around them.
With his other hand, he found your clit, circling the bud with his thumb as he worked his index finger into the mix. The added stimulation to your clit made your wall clench tightly and he grunted, imagining what it would feel like around his cock.
“Please Toshi,” you begged, “I want you already.”
“Thank you’re ready?” he asked, although he already knew the answer.
And he was right when you whimpered out a pathetic little, “Yes!”
He resumed the position from earlier, his tip pressed against your entrance. It was opened a bit from his three fingers but he knew it was still going to be a tight fit.
He took your hand in his, lacing your fingers together as he began to sink into your cunt. You whimpered as your walls stretched around him, squeezing his hand. He bottomed out quickly, stilling to let you adjust to being stuffed so full of his thick cock.
“Does it hurt?” he asked, pressing a kiss to your lips.
“N-No…” you mumbled, “Just...feels weird.”
He chuckled, kissing your lips again. He could feel you squeezing around him, your cunt unused to having such a big cock inside. The fact he was your first, the one taking your virginity -- tainting your pure body was turning him on more than he ever thought it would.
He couldn’t even lie and say he’d never taken a cherry before but with you it was different. He felt a sense of pride and possessiveness wash over him; you were his completely. You had given him your heart and your body.
Burying his face in your neck, he pressed kisses against the sweet spot he easily found there. Grinding his hips against yours, he stirred your insides with his thick length until you were arching your hips to get more of the addictive pleasure only he could bring you.
He pulled out halfway, slowly sinking his cock back inside with a groan.
“That’s a good girl,” he praised, eyes glued to where your cunt was stretched around him, “Taking me so well, look at that.”
“Feels so good,” you whimpered, clutching the sheets beneath you in your fists.
“Yeah?” he grinned, pulling out so the tip remained only to surge forward and sink his cock into you in one long thrust. Immediately, your back arched and you let out an erotic moan that had his cock throbbing against your walls, “Fuck, my cocks almost too much for you but you’re bein’ such a good girl for me, aren’t you? Taking what I give you...fuck…”
His praise and dirty words went straight to your core. He set a steady pace, making sure to angle his hips up so he could hit your g-spot. The pleasure had your eyes rolling back and you cried out his name every so often, making his heart race.
“Sound so pretty sayin’ my name…” he groaned, cupping your breasts in his hands as he fucked you, “Pussy’s so tight and wet...I can feel you dripping, you know that? Who would have thought such a pretty cunt could get so messy. But you only get this messy for me, right darlin’?”
“Only you!” you babbled, wrapping your arms around his neck to press your lips against his. He moaned into your mouth, reaching between your bodies to circle your clit, “Fuck! Toshi, y-you’re gonna make me cum!”
“Fuck,” he groaned, “Do it then, sweetheart. Go on, cum on my fucking cock.”
A few more thrusts and circles over your swollen bud had you falling over the edge. Your body trembled and arched beneath him, cunt spasming around him as he worked you dutifully through your orgasm.
Once you came down, he pulled his hand from your clit and pulled out. You were panting, body limp and relaxed as you let him move you onto your hands and knees. Keeping your face buried in the pillow, you allowed him to maneuver you into the proper position.
He pressed his hand down on the small of your back, “Arch your back for me, good girl.”
“Th-This is embarrassing, Toshi…” you whispered into the pillow.
He hummed, gripping his cock to direct himself back into the sweet vice of your cunt, “No reason to be embarrassed, kitten. It’s just me...you can trust me.”
“I-I know...but still…” you whimpered, eyes fluttering as he sunk his cock deep inside. The position allowed him to reach a new depth.
“Do you want to stop?” he asked softly, running his hand along your spin.
You hesitated for a second, focusing on the pleasurable sensation of being filled so completely before shaking your head. He grinned, leaning down to kiss your shoulder blade, “Good girl.”
The praise went to your head and you suddenly had a desire to receive more. You wanted to be good for him -- be his good girl.
You lifted your head from the pillow and cried out his name, fucking yourself back against his cock. He grinned, slapping your ass lighter than he usually would do it -- he wasn’t sure how you would take to it. When he felt you clench around him in response, he grinned. That was something worth looking into it seemed.
“Toshi…” you whined, reaching back to grip at his hip.
He hummed, slowing ever so slightly, “What is it, kitten?”
“Please…” you whined, feeling your cheeks flush with embarrassment over what you desperately wanted to ask him.
“Please what?” he whispered, kissing your shoulder blade again, “Tell me what you need, baby.”
“C-Call me...y-your goog girl again…” you whispered, immediately burying your face in your pillow.
He paused, eyes wide before another grin grew across his face. Wrapping his arm around your waist, he pulled you up until your back was pressed against his chest. You cried out, his cock stilling inside you as he pressed his lips against your ear.
“You like being praised huh?” he asked, chuckling when you nodded, leaning your head back to rest on his shoulder. He enjoyed the fucked out look on your face, “Like being my good girl, hm? Such a pretty, sweet girl for me…”
You whimpered, walls clenching around his still cock, “I-I love you Toshi…”
He hummed, reaching down to find your clit. Circling over the bud, you keened, eyes fluttering as your cunt clenched tight around him, “I know you do, sweetheart.”
Suddenly, your walls squeezed, clamping down tight. He groaned, cursing under his breath as he felt your body seize up in your orgasm, trembling and gushing around his cock. He pressed his lips against your shoulder, looking down to where his length was buried completely inside.
You began to rock yourself along his cock, your orgasm flying to new heights as he never stopped playing with your sensitive bud.
Suddenly, he watched with wide eyes as your cum squirted out, soaking the bed and your thighs.
“Shit,” he growled, providing a few quick slaps against your clit, making you squirt just a few more times, “What a good fucking girl you are. Look at the mess you made. You’re so perfect, I love you so much.”
Those words had you clenching once again. That finally sent him over the edge himself. He rocked into you, holding you tight against him. His cock throbbed, spitting hot cum into your sensitive cunt.
He cupped your breasts, groaning in the throes of his orgasm as he pressed kisses against your shoulder, neck, and cheek.
When he finally came down, he gently laid you on the bed, pulling his cock out. His cum gushed from your hole without his length to stop it. You cringed, the feeling unpleasant to say the least.
He got out of bed to go to the bathroom intending to get a cloth to clean you with.
When he was gone, you found yourself thinking about what just happened. One particular thought was on your mind and when he returned, you didn’t hesitate to voice it.
“W-We didn’t use a condom…” you mumbled.
He hummed, “Were we supposed to? I thought you were on birth control.”
“I am...it’s just…” you frowned, clearing your throat as you watched him wiped your thighs and sensitive folds free of your mixed cum.
“What?” he sat beside you, fixing you with a steady gaze, urging you to confess your thoughts to him.
“You were just...dating, you know...Aoi and…” you sighed, averting your gaze from him, “Other girls before.”
He chuckled, laying beside you, “What, you’re concerned I have something?”
“Well no...not necessarily…” you frowned as he cupped your cheek, making you look at him.
“If you must know…” he shrugged before continuing, “I always used a condom with them.”
“Really?” he nodded at your question, “Then...why with me?”
“Because you’re you,” he smiled, kissing your lips, pulling you to lay against his chest, “You’re the one for me, kitten. That’s all you need to worry about.”
Yes, Hitoshi Shinsou fell in love easily. But he never gave those girls his heart. He cried because he thought he could never have you. The truth was, you had always owned his heart. It had always been in your hands.
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Five Times Mulder and Scully Stopped for Gas
As asked for on Twitter, I have written a little story with a glimpse into times Mulder and Scully stopped for gas. Hope you enjoy it. 😊
They pulled into a gas station and up to the pump, their first case together just beginning, and the rental car low on gas. Scully unbuckled her seatbelt, opened her door, and started to get out of the car.
“Oh,” Mulder said, causing her to pause, and look back at him. “No, I got it.” He took his seatbelt off and started to get out of the car.
“I’m quite capable of pumping gas, Agent Mulder,” she said hotly, the conversation she had with Ethan recently, fresh in her mind. That ideas such as taking out the trash or pumping gas was a “man’s job” and how that belittled women. “I can and have done so on my own, I don’t need—”
“Agent Scully,” he cut across her, his brow furrowed. “In no way am I insinuating that you are not capable of doing something as mundane as pumping gas into a vehicle. I was merely defaulting to the arrangement I have had with other partners, in which the driver is in charge of filling the tank. I don’t know how you did it before, but that’s how I’ve always done it.” He stared at her innocently, and she felt her anger abating, nodding at him once before she closed her door, leaned back in her seat, and buckled her seatbelt.
He smiled and nodded, getting out of the car and heading inside the station. Coming back out a few minutes later, he laid the items he purchased on his seat - sunflower seeds, two bottles of water, and a chocolate bar - which he handed to her. She looked at him in surprise and took it before he started to pump the gas. Looking down at the chocolate bar, she smiled at the small peace like offering, and put it into her bag to enjoy later.
______________________
Leaving Comity, determined to never come back, Scully angrily drove them out of town, blowing through a stop sign. Mulder sighed and then sighed again, before she told him to shut up once more. Silence hung heavy in the car and her anger was palpable. Seeing the gas gauge on empty, it was her turn to sigh, and then shake her head.
A station appeared a few miles down the road and she pulled in and up to the pump. Mulder took off his seatbelt as she put the car in park. While they usually did adhere to the long standing whoever drives pumps the gas, more often than not, Mulder would take the role upon himself, regardless of his position in the car. Even if she tried to stop him, he would simply grin and shrug, continuing with the job at hand.
Sometimes she did not mind being the one who paid and collected snacks, but some days, she would blow up at him that this was once again a hunter/gatherer type situation. At his confused look, she would shake her head and explain, again, how for some reason pumping gas was seen as manly, so of course he would jump to do his duty. To which he would then shake his head, and explain to her, again, how that was ridiculous and he never saw them that way.
Well, tonight she definitely did not want his help, not in any way. “I got it, Mulder. Please, don’t trouble yourself.” Taking off her seatbelt angrily, she opened the door and slammed it as stepped out.
“What the hell?” she heard and turned around to look at him.
“What, Mulder? I’m the driver, I get the gas. That was one of our agreements, right?” she asked, seething inside as she crossed her arms and stared at him. She had half a mind to drive away and leave him in that crazy little town, never looking back.
“Jesus Christ, Scully,” he said, shaking his head. “Are you seriously still angry? Everything has gone back to how it’s meant to be and yet you’re still upset. So yeah, what the hell?” He opened his arms, moving around the trunk of the car, walking closer to her.
“Are you kidding me?” she said, raising her voice and stepping closer to him. “You … you degraded me in front of Detective White, repeatedly. You made me feel less than, numerous times and you’re just going to what, blame it on the alignment of the planets? The planets made you act like a jackass? Made you treat me as … your tagalong, the person who you ditched to hang out with some tall perky “blonde.” None of that was you?” She raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms tighter.
“I did not ditch you,” he scoffed and she answered with a scoff of her own. “I didn’t. I … you were checking on Jay’s body and we had been … at odds with each other -”
“Because you kept cutting me down in front of Detective White!” she interrupted, throwing her hands up and staring at him. “Not only was that rude to do to me personally, but professionally … Jesus, Mulder. Do you have any idea how that made me look? I don’t care who else is around, male or female, I am your partner and you treated me like some afterthought who was called upon when needed, but left once something, or someone, better came along. The ‘alignment of the planets’ is a shitty excuse for your behavior.”
“You think I would have behaved that way if it hadn’t been the case? That I really feel that way, like you’re a tagalong?”
“It started the minute we walked into that funeral home, Mulder,” she said, shaking her head “‘If you detect a hint of skepticism or incredulity in Agent Scully’s voice …’ Why? Because I chose to want to look further than the ‘satan is to blame’ fear mongering? The belief that satanic rituals were the culprit was enough, simply because someone said so? Well, then, look at me! I’m the Queen of England! It’s true, I said so!” Throwing her hands up again, she stared at him and he shook his head.
“The eyewitnesses to the kids murder said it was as much, and yes I now know it was a lie, but their stories corroborated each other, why would they not have been believed?” Mulder asked, and Scully walked a couple of steps away, shaking her head in disbelief.
“Mulder,” she said, turning to him with an incredulous look. “Is it so much easier for you to believe in satanic rituals, than two pretty, popular girls deciding one night to kill someone? It’s not as though it hasn’t happened before.” He stared at her and she scoffed again. “Well, I can’t look at evidence that points to a satanic cult ritual story and not try to find a plausible explanation. I can’t accept at face value, something that others believe without question. That is not me … and you should know that by now.” She deflated like a balloon, no longer angry, just hurt by his actions. “I deserved to be treated better than I was by you, in front of others, alone, planets aligned or not.” He looked down at the ground and nodded, before looking up and nodding at her once again.
She sighed and walked into the station to pay for their gas. Watching him from inside, she saw him get back in the car and she sighed. “You okay, ma’am?” the young clerk asked, and she nodded with a forced smile. Taking her receipt, she took a deep breath, and stepped outside and over to the already opened gas cap.
Choosing to let it be a peace offering, even if it slightly enraged her, she pumped the gas. Watching the back of his head as she did, she tried to let go of the past few days, and the argument they had just engaged in, in public no less. Closing her eyes, she stood until the gas shut off and she replaced the nozzle, closed the tank, and got back in the car. The silence a little thinner, they headed out of town, relieved to put it behind them.
________________________
Another chemo treatment with an unscheduled stop along the way, as she was unable to keep her stomach from throwing up what little was inside it. The effort it took, left her weak and sweaty, but she tried her hardest not to let it show. She took deep breaths and tried to swallow down the returning bile that threatened to gag her every few seconds. Her eyes closed, she felt the car slowing down, causing her to open them.
“Uh, I’m sorry, I need to stop for gas. I was in a rush this morning and I didn’t have time. I’ll be quick,” Mulder said quietly, and she hummed in response, knowing he must see how weak she was feeling, and she hated it.
As the car stopped, she was determined to not let the cancer or the exhausting rounds of chemo take so much from her. She unbuckled her seatbelt and pushed herself up into a better sitting position. Reaching for the door handle, she was easily stopped by Mulder’s hand.
“What are you doing, Scully?” he asked so incredibly softly, it was as if no words were spoken at all.
“Snacks,” was all she could breathe out, before she broke out in a sweat, falling back into the seat, her eyes closing.
“I’ve got it, Scully. I’ve got it,” he said, softer than before, if that was possible. His hand moved gently from hers, his door opening and shutting softly.
She remembered the sound of the gas cap being taken removed, the nozzle being placed inside, but nothing after, until he was unbuckling her seatbelt and helping her out of the car.
“Come on, Scully, I got you,” he said quietly, bringing her carefully to her feet, letting her try to stand on her own, before putting his arm around her waist and walking her slowly to her apartment.
She was sweaty again and nearly there, when she almost collapsed. He caught her and lifted her into his arms, walking the few remaining steps down the hall to her door. He opened it, carried her to her room, and set her on her bed. He took off her shoes and helped her to lay down, before disappearing.
She heard the front door open and shut once, then again, as she kept her eyes closed, focusing on her breathing. It was quiet for a few minutes, and then his voice spoke softly close to her ear.
“Scully, drink this, but just a sip.” A straw was placed in her mouth and the sweet, cold, bubbly taste of 7-Up filled her mouth. “That’s it, just a little bit. It should help settle your stomach.”
She took slow sips for nearly an hour, before he was satisfied she would be okay, and could hold more down. He gingerly helped her remove and change her sweat soaked shirt, before she laid back down. A soft moist cloth, gently stroked across her face and her forearms, cooling her down. She kept her eyes closed throughout, thanking God for gas stations with little convenience stores and men like Mulder who were there to catch her when she stumbled and needed him most.
_______________________
“You seriously expect to drive?” Mulder asked, as they walked toward her car on their way to her Lamaze class.
“I do expect to drive. I drove home from the bureau today. I’m not an invalid, I’m just pregnant,” she said, giving him a look.
“Yeah,” he laughed. “You are very pregnant.”
“Excuse me?” she asked, turning to him and placing a hand up to stop him from walking.
“I meant … that’s very true … you’re pregnant,” he cleared his throat as he hugged the pillow he grabbed from inside, a poor item choice to protect his body. She narrowed her eyes at him and he winked at her. “I thought we were in a hurry?” Staring at him a second longer, she moved her hand and continued on to the car.
As she drove away, after exhaling loudly when she sat down, while Mulder wisely kept his mouth shut, she saw the gas tank was empty. Sighing, she headed to the gas station, and pulled up to the pump. Turning off the car, she looked over at him.
“Well, I can’t pump the gas, I’m pregnant,” she said, trying not to smile. He stared at her and shook his head, smiling himself as he opened the door and got out of the car. She smiled as the door shut and she rubbed her belly.
A knock sounded on her window and she jumped. Looking at him, she rolled it down and raised her eyebrows. “Do you want anything from inside?”
“Surprise me,” she smiled and he leaned in to kiss her. Pulling back, she grinned and he shook his head before turning around and walking inside. She laughed as she continued to rub her ‘very pregnant’ belly, and waited for him to come back.
He walked out, his hands behind his back, heading for her door. “Pick a hand,” he said and she smiled. Pointing to the left, he handed her a bag of sunflower seeds and she stuck out her lip. Smiling, he held out his right hand and the package of peanut butter cups. She gasped and grinned as she grabbed it.
Stepping back, he smiled and walked around the car to pump the gas, as she opened the wrapper on her candy. Taking a bite, she closed her eyes, smiling as the delicious combination of peanut butter and chocolate hit her tongue.
A couple of minutes later, he opened the door and got inside, smiling as he did. She wordlessly handed over the other half of her candy and he grinned as he took it and shoved it all in his mouth, chewing it up as she started the car.
“I’m driving on the way back,” he mumbled nearly incoherently around his mouth full of chocolate and peanut butter. She laughed as she rolled up her window and they drove away.
___________________
The sun was beginning to rise as she pulled into the gas station, Mulder asleep beside her. She shook her head and turned off the car. Grabbing some money from the bag in the back, she looked at Mulder once more before going inside to pay for the gas and some essentials.
There was a doughnut shop next door and she stepped in to buy a few for the road, two coffees, and two bottles of orange juice. Walking back to their car with a tray holder and the bags of items, she carefully opened the back door and set the drinks on the floorboard and the bags on the seat. Shutting the door softly, she pumped the gas, filling their car with the necessary fuel to keep them moving.
Pulling away slowly, she entered a parking spot away from the pumps, as she looked out onto the wide expanse of the desert. Mulder was still asleep beside her and she glanced over at him, before getting out of the car, to grab the food in the backseat.
Sitting back down in the driver’s seat, she took out her doughnut and watched the sun rise. A week on the run and it was already exhausting. The constant moving from place to place was a necessity she knew, but it was hard. A moment of peace in this little corner of the world, was everything to her right now. Taking a sip of coffee, she looked over as Mulder began to stir. Opening his eyes, he blinked at the early light around him.
“Hey,” she said with a smile and he yawned, stretching and sitting up straighter. He shivered and looked around with a deep breath. “There’s coffee and orange juice, plus some doughnuts.” He nodded as he yawned once again.
“I need to pee,” he said, getting out of the car, and heading into the gas station. Scully drank some more coffee and waited for him to come back, the sun slowly brightening the sky.
He was back quickly, shivering in the cool morning air and sat down in his seat, reaching for the coffee he offered. They were quiet as they drank, him just waking up, and her with thousands of worries burning inside her mind.
“You sure this is what you want?” he whispered in the quiet of the car, and she looked at him, staring at his profile, before he turned to look at her. He shook his head and she smiled softly.
“My answer hasn’t changed since the last ten times you’ve asked me that question,” she answered quietly. “This is where I want to be, need to be. Sitting here in some gas station, just like countless other times, together. Mulder, I can’t be away from you anymore, so yes, this is what I want. Is it what you want?”
He frowned at her and shook his head. “Running, always looking over our shoulder, no that isn’t what I want. Especially not for you,” he sighed and looked out the window. “But I can’t imagine being here alone, not again. I ached for you, Scully. Physically ached for you.” He turned to look at her again and she reached to touch his face.
“I know. I did for you too,” she whispered. “So yes, this is what I want. I’m right where I’ve always been meant to be.” He touched her hand that was resting on his face. They stared at one another, the sun casting them both in the early light. He kissed her palm before she moved her hand.
Setting her coffee in the cup holder, she started the car, backed up, and left the gas station. Reaching for his hand, she squeezed when he laced his fingers with hers.
“Did you happen to get any sunflower seeds?” he asked, after a few minutes of silence.
“Mmm-hmm and a couple of iced teas too,” she said with a smile, causing him to grin.
“My little gatherer,” he teased, squeezing her hand, causing her to narrow her eyes. Lifting her fingers to his lips, he looked at her. “Could be love.”
“Oh, it definitely is,” she affirmed, squeezing his hand lightly. He kissed her hand once again as she turned her eyes back to the road, heading wherever it would take them.
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2016
Wo-ho-ho-ho there, it's time for my yearly blogpost again.
We all know how bad this year has looked; 2016 is a terrible year, 2016 was the worst year, 2016 this, 2016 that. And really, who could blame anyone for thinking that? But I feel like I'd be doing myself a disservice by focusing too much on the negatives; with our cognitive bias and all that, we tend to forget that the world keeps on getting progressively better and that despite appearances, overall, things are looking... up? Not that we should let our guard down; in fact, more than ever, we need to be aware of each other and look out for each other. The two greatest values you can have, and that you can transmit to other people, going into 2017, are empathy and curiosity.
But anyway, I'm not a skilled writer and other folks will have already said more or less the same thing already, so now it's time to talk about myself again!
Before I do that, though, I would like to give my most heartfelt thanks to the people who have supported me through this year, whether from close circles or from further. I know, it's cliché, but at the same time I feel like people don't realize how much their support means to me, and the true, hidden impact it has had on my life. You know who you are! ♥
I still find writing this blog post to be as oddly awkward as last year, but it's good to let things out, have it all laid out in front of yourself; especially when things keep becoming more of a blur over time. I can't really distinctly remember specific periods from this year as well as 2015, but then again I'm also writing this while coming down from a nasty flu. I've read that things become more of a blur over time the more you age, because you have more of a frame of a reference to go through. That prospect makes me uneasy, but at the same time, I don’t dread it as much as I used to.
2015 was arguably a worse rollercoaster as far as I was concerned, with higher highs but also much lower lows. 2016, smoother ride? Less exciting. Even though from an outside eye it may look more impressive, which feels like a weird contradiction.
In February, I got taken onboard at Nightdive Studios to work on a really cool project: a remake of System Shock. It started out as a 1:1 project (almost like a Doom source port, if you see what I mean?) but eventually the ambitions grew into actually doing a full-fledged reboot. We ended up releasing a "pre-alpha" demo for a Kickstarter that grossed $1.35 million, and people seem to be quite excited, which I'm happy about. I wasn't very happy with my animation work in the demo but since then, I got time to iterate on it and I'm more at peace with it right now. Of course, I wish I could talk more about the project, but I obviously am not in the position to! ;)
It's funky, going from nearly two years of Dota & "cartoonish" animation right into something more AAA-realist, with less stylization, and the transition is a bit hard, but of course, it's a very valuable process to learn how to dial your own style back. I’ve felt that animating kind of goes like this:
At first, you have zero idea what you're doing and everything is super stiff and robotic. Then you learn about follow-through and inertia and you start doing that everywhere because it makes things smooth... too smooth. So then you dial it back... back... oh wait, things are too stiff again! And ultimately, after 15 years of repeating that process, back and forth, you'll probably be an amazing godlike Pixar-worthy animator... when you reach the point of being able to animate stiffness that looks smooth.
Of course, all that is a (relatively humorous) generalization but it's a pattern I've observed in other animators, mostly in the SFM community; their growth in skill over time seemed to have this sort of trend. I think I'm about halfway there... hopefully!
Right now, we’re in the middle of our vertical slice phase. My favourite part of the project is— well, I have quite a few of them, but I wanna say my coworkers are an absolute delight and our lead programmer is a freaking angel. I feel really lucky to be able to work with these people. And that’s gonna sound dumb, but it makes me feel weird that they LIKE ME BACK. But you know, impostor’s syndrome, etc. though that’s gotten better recently. Still, it’s hard to get used to the thought of things like “dude, there are animators from Blizzard who follow you on Twitter, stop doubting yourself for a second”.
July rolls around, and I decided to participate, again, to The International 2016′s Short Film Contest. This time around, I teamed up with EDJE (Erick Wright) and @zandraart — and I won again. First place! I was legitimately expecting to get third, at best, even though there were people like SirActionSlacks telling me “dude you won already stop worrying”. Unfortunately, my brain was louder than their voices; I remember the night before the results were announced, I couldn’t sleep despite having taken two sleeping pills...
As self-centered as a statement like that may sound, winning three animation contests and having worked on four games eventually ends up drilling in your head that there is no reason to let shitty people influence your brain. I guess it’s a self-esteem thing 😃
This sort of feeling that I was not being myself, forcing myself to not be me, well, it’s gone! And for the first time I’m starting to feel like I got my shit together, even if only just a bit, so that’s relieving.
We did the movie in two weeks again, but I’m not gonna lie, I’m not as happy with it as I was with Enigma’s Exasperation. The execution might be a little stronger but the idea is weaker for the one minute format. But a good thing to remember: it’s fine to not always outdo yourself even if you meant to.
That said, for next year’s contest, I hope I’ll be able to dedicate more time to making the film. I’m hoping they extend the maximum time to 90 seconds and make the prize pool less top-heavy again... but, unfortunately, knowing Valve, I wouldn’t count on it.
Here’s a list of my favourite music albums that I listened to this year:
The Timura Trilogy series of albums by Bjørn Lynne (Wizard of the Winds, Wolves of the Gods, The Gods Awaken)
Fortress by James Hunter USA (bandcamp)
Everything from Nelward
Orange Express (1981) by Sadao Watanabe
Memories in Beach House (1983) from the CBS/Sony Sound Image Series
The Dark Crystal movie soundtrack by Trevor Jones (if you’ve never watched the movie, you should, it is absolutely incredible)
Now onto health... I believe I've mentioned this subject a couple times before. Being a nerd who works from home, I'm subject to many of the sins that come with having a commute consisting of merely walking down the stairs from one's bedroom. The two biggest being 1) a terrible sleep schedule and 2) lack of physical activity.
I use the Sleep as Android app; upon telling it that I'm in bed, it starts using my Pebble smartwatch to track my motions and determine the quality of my sleep, the phases, the cycles, and whatnot. But the most insightful data doesn't even come from that algorithmic tracking; the times for "when I went to bed" and "when I got up" are more telling. Here's a chart of my sleeping times since the beginning of 2015. Each vertical bar represents the sleep of one day.
I've taken the liberty to highlight the time range between 22:00 and 9:00 in the morning, sleeping times that would make you say "yeah, this person is a reasonable adult". As you can see, my sleeping times often didn't fall into that range, and the whole graph has a stripey appearance because my sleeping times keep shifting a little every day, almost like I'm living 25, 26 hour days.
What I love about this graph is that you can definitely see the times when I had to get it together; The International 2015 is very noticeable, with no "stripe" pattern where there would have been three previously.
Here's a zoom on only 2016:
There’s actually a bit of improvement here; the length of the "stripes" keeps growing, and in the middle of some of the stripes, I hang to regular times for longer and longer before slipping away into indecency again. I’m trying my best to keep that progress on the right track. (a track that goes right to my bed)
Now, as for the lack of physical activity. It's very tempting to stock my fridge and then live like a hermit for 3 days, but I've tried to make sure this wouldn't happen. The goal is to not have a single day where I don't move at least a minimum amount of time, unless I have a very good reason to (like illness).
I use the S Health app to passively track my steps; it offers a few fun statistics, and also counts steps onto an additional counter if you've walked fast enough for a certain amount of time, that is to say, at a pace that is considered physical activity. If I were to walk for 1 hour, and during 15 of those minutes, I was at a pace that was above 100 steps a minute (I believe that’s the threshold), it would amount to about 6000 steps, 1500 of which would then be qualifying as "healthy steps".
I took all the average monthly values and put them in this chart:
It's really easy to see on here when my motivation just plummeted post-TI5, after all that terrible stuff I've mentioned before. It took quite a while to shake the depression off. I would consider 3000 steps per day to be the baseline goal, as it amounts roughly to 30 minutes of walking per day. In the latter half of 2016, I managed to reach that goal!
The last thing I wanna talk about, health-wise, is understanding, in my opinion, the two big hidden plagues on ourselves: the first one is sugar, the second one is stress. I saw a very eye-opening documentary on Arte that talked about how cholesterol was made to take the fall for heart disease and whatnot, and sugar is in fact the true culprit — combine that with recent studies showing how it’s, in fact, “similar to drugs”, and it’s easy to see how we’ve come to think it’s harmless but it’s not, much like how we thought cigarettes were good in the 50s. This makes me glad I stopped drinking sodas and eating candy as much as I did four years ago; I’ve largely replaced the drinks by either carbonated water or the stuff that’s light on sugar (both in terms of sugar AND taste).
The second plague is stress. This ties into mental health. I deeply believe that learning how to stay sane and relaxed, as weird as that may sound, is one of the fundamental keys to living well; don’t worry about stuff you can’t control. Of course, that doesn’t mean “be apathetic to the world”. Our cognitive bias makes us focus so much on the negatives that it’s become so hard to perceive the positive side of things. This is gonna sound stupid but I hope you see what I’m trying to get at here: for example, there are really shitty people being all like “I’m gonna run over Black Lives Matter protestors”, stuff like that, and we get outraged at it, and rightly so; but in the process, we forget that it’s a really good positive thing that BLM exists in the first place. You know what I mean? I don’t know how to phrase it. Like I said before, I’m not a skilled writer!
And it’s frustrating, really, to have all these ideas, vague concepts floating around your head; you know what you mean to yourself, but you don’t know how to communicate that to other people. Language, writing, and communication are skills far more important than most people realize!
Anyway, to reiterate what I’ve already said like three times now, it comes down to not worrying about things you can’t control. It’s hard to internalize and it took me years to understand it, but it’s a valuable life lesson.
There are a ton of other little life lessons that I don’t actively think about but which have been super valuable on a day-to-day basis; these are also, for the most part, hard to phrase into coherent words, but the best one would be that it’s okay to be wrong and to make mistakes, but it’s also (even more) okay to admit that you were wrong and that it’s not a personal failing, as in, a failure of you, as a person, to have made a mistake or whatever. I think it’s something that is extremely important to teach people, because it’s part of the entire “be open-minded” package, if that makes sense? It was hard for me to change myself until I realized that admitting that I made mistakes. It’s kind of like the five stages of grief; the first one is acceptance, and you’re not going to make any progress until you go past that...? When you say to someone, “you did something wrong”, or “you made a mistake”, whether it’s moral, personal, professional, whatever, if you don’t have that mindset, that person would perceive it as a personal attack. But to err is human, and errors are not reflections of your moral standing as a person. I guess it comes down to having this distance between... yourself... and what you do? See, here, words fail me again. That said, I hope you see what I’m getting at.
Anyway, that’s it for looking back on this year... here’s a sneak peek at my next big personal project, hopefully to be released in the first trimester of 2017!
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