#I like to think He's just... unstable... Sometimes he talks so nicely and condescending (???)

[ouaw-human-au]

If you don’t mind me asking, how dose Gorebek work in your AU? At first I thought he was just the same as cannon but then I saw a cute drawings of a younger Torbek and what I assume was Gorebek hovering beside him seemingly trying to comfort him.

So is he Torbeks friend? his protector? His enemy? His friend, turned protector, turned enemy due to witchlight and oppressed trauma? What happened?

He DOES work like in canon... But I'm not gonna lie to you, Anon, the thing is mostly a Headcanon that I have and it can work even on this AU, both paths or for a Headcanon on the OG Verse lol

Can't remember where the hell I read it or if it's actually canon or what(?), but I read somewhere that Torbek was always capable of hearing The Other in his head, but I might be wrong??? So that's where the drawings come from.

And again, it can ALSO work on the OG Verse. It's just a HC of mine ig?? lol

Perhaps he was a protector long time ago?? Perhaps he got corrupted?? Or maybe he was always that way??? Perhaps he was born as a way to cope with his excruciating loneliness??? Perhaps he used to be nice??? Only having Torbek and Torbek only having him?? Perhaps he's his own person and just for some reason turned to become his enemy later on?? Perhaps it's all of the above??? Or not??? Jealousy?? Anger?? Abandonment?? Resentment?? How?? Why?? Torbek doesn't know. The Other doesn't seem to care to explain, at least not now, not anymore. Doesn't think it's worth his time.

But we'll figure this out... Later... (Cuz I don't have the full brain power for this rn help[?)

Anyway here's an angsty unfinished Bonus under the cut... It has nothing to do (???), but it's 'bout Torbek n' The Other bruh

Say you'll stay. Never be severed!. . . Oh, darling, it's alarming to think of us apart!

Can you believe the base was supposed to be a cute Frostbek drawing?? But my brain said "nah, bro make some angsty shit. Wouldn't be funny?? WOULDN'T BE FUCKED UP???"... So yeah. Mf being mean and nasty to my poor baby, nothing new...

[peremadeleine]

The Empathetic Dog Thief, Episode 1

Alternative titles: “Will: Deer Hunter and Dog Dad,” “Crimes Against Costuming,” “What Year Is It: A Crime Drama”

Armed with a gin & tonic and one sleepy cat, I finally gave the NBC show another shot.

I didn’t know Will had a superpower. Cool...?

How come he’s play-acting the murderer, though? Just because he can think like a killer doesn’t mean he needs to be reenacting it himself. That’s just confusing for the audience?? The way they did it in the Red Dragon movie was still effective without coming off as “aw, Will’s playing serial killer”

“This is my design” what

Plaid shirt and striped tie, truly a costuming sin. I didn’t love Will’s “modern wild west” costume vibes in Red Dragon, but it was better than this.

Don’t pretend that Jack and Will don’t know each other. Hate that.

Do look forward to hearing how many different ways people can pronounce “Graham” though.

Oh boy, why does Crawford push Will’s glasses up on his face while murmuring “hey” softly like a lover?? They’re strangers. That was mighty uncomfortable.

is he just assuming Will is on the spectrum? Right after they met???

and then Will confirms, but wait, he just has an “active imagination”?

STAY IN YOUR LANE

at least in canon Crawford doesn’t take advantage of people on the gd spectrum, and he spins it as being for the good of the victims. jfc.

“based on the characters by Thomas Harris”

Of course all the victims in the first episode are going to be women

“it’s not about all of these girls, it’s about one of them”--seven minutes in and they’re already ripping off Silence.

“he’s like Willy Wonka. every girl he takes is a candy bar.” no. nO.

“I mean, I would. Wouldn’t you?” no Will, Crawford’s a douchebag, not a murderous psychopath.

8 minutes in, me: WHERE’S THE TITLE CHARACTER THIS IS B O R I N G

“Why is it now a crime scene?” Because Will says so and he’s his own forensic team, apparently. Next question.

Also apparently he only owns red plaid-print shirts. Huh.

Lol Will has empathy for everyone but a grieving father confronted with his daughter’s dead body???

I don’t like the way Crawford is speaking to Will one bit. It’s supposed to be sensitive, but it comes off as condescending and mollycoddling. Ew. That is SO not Jack Crawford.

"You wrote the standard monograph on time of death by insect activity"?!?

so Will IS his own forensic team. Weird flex, but okay.

Antler velvet. Christ, HERE WE GO.

“You not real FBI?” Rip-off of Silence #2!

“You unstable?” Stop coming at Will, Jesus!

Will is a serial dognapper. SIX DOGS. Maybe, maybe, people in this neighborhood are missing their gd dogs, you monster.

none of them are even UGLY dogs

Will’s also drinking tho. One point for Gryffindor.

Oh, another plaid shirt. At least this one’s got a nice pattern. And isn’t red.

The bathroom is painted red, tho. What is it with Fuller and red walls?

Hugh Dancy’s American accent slips when he tries to like...emote. Yikes.

Strangulation is neither quick nor merciful.

A forensic specialist who wears her long-ass dark hair loose down her back and shoulders in the lab should be FIRED.

Implied “we covet what we see every day” scene: Silence Rip-Off #3

nineteen minutes in, me: W H E R E  I S  H A N N I B A L this is false marketing

Okay, I actually kind of like the “okay, I can cover him 80%” scene. Crawford’s real good at fucking up people’s lives in order to save lives.

twenty-one minutes in, me: HANNIBAL’S HERE THANK CHRIST

will probably regret this thought later

it’s okay, Hans. I, too, hate the career choices that have led me to this point.

the fact that he has tissues by HIS chair in his office is fuckin’ hilarious, what a douche, I love him

same, tho

The costumes and sets and cars are all screaming 70s/80s. But smartphones!

I’m watching this pretty late so my volume is a bit low and I cannot understand 70% of Hannibal’s dialogue, uh oh

Hannibal is supposed to be short so I don’t think this little “oh Crawford confused the short weepy patient with Hannibal” bit is that cute...I’ve always felt like Mads was poorly cast for that reason, among others. Oh well.

I take it all back:

HIS FACE

“No secretary?” “She was predisposed to romantic whims.” Not sure whether I like this line because Hannibal’s the one acting on whimsy or if it makes me cringe because of the way they’re dismissing Hannibal’s former secretary. Hmm.

“Are these yours, doctor?” a) Duh and b) Silence Rip-Off #4

Why the fuck does Crawford think he can just examine Hannibal’s papers? Like?????????

no wonder he hates your rude ass, Jack

HANNIBAL WHY IS WOUND MAN LYING ON YOUR DESK YOU PRECIOUS IDIOT

“Very interesting, even for a layman” Wow, unexpected Red Dragon rip-off (by the Red Dragon adaptation) #1

this whole scene is made of cringe HELP

why is Hannibal dressed in his Easter Sunday suit

Tattlecrimes.com. I’M SPEECHLESS at the stupidity of that.

tabloids are, in fact, still a thing in the Year of Our Lord 2013

No way is Hannibal fucking Lecter going to drink the swill that probably is Jack Crawford’s coffee, as if.

“Not fond of eye contact, are you?” Yes, Hannibal is the only character who should be canonically coming at anyone like this. (But also poor Will.)

But Will, at least look in his direction while he’s talking to you? I also don’t love eye contact...it’s rude not to even look at a person, though.

Hannibal finally used a contraction! He’s human after all. (This is a common Fanfic-Writing-of-Hannibal problem. I used to have it, too. You think to emulate him you have to write lofty, staid dialogue. But we’re talking about Hannibal the Punmaster General here.)

“This cannibal you have him getting to know��� I’m sorry, who said anything about cannibals???

Stop incriminating yourself Hannibal honestly

Wait, is the implication that the victim whose lungs were taken is Hannibal’s? I hope not, because what would he be doing in Minnesota, and since when did Hannibal cut people up alive (Krendler notwithstanding--he’s a special case), especially women????? He’s a Monster(TM), but not a fucking sadist.

Will’s wardrobe also contains gingham!

no really, when did they determine that the serial killer was a cannibal?? did I sleep through that part?

“have Dr. Lecter draw up a psychological profile” bitch, please. Dr. Lecter doesn’t work for Crawford.

I don’t like hearing/watching people eat, especially in quiet moments. That’s going to become a problem in this show, isn’t it?

Will’s dream dear is fucking awful CGI. Wow.

That brown blazer--Hannibal would never.

EVERYTHING about Hannibal that should be black--his clothes and his hair--is brown here. It’s...weird.

to quote @random-emerald-thoughts​, “my homocidal boy aint about that tawny bullshit”

Hannibal Lecter: food snob--that’s canon. 

Don’t like this dialogue, though. And Hannibal bringing anyone he just met food in glorified Tupperware rings very false.

“Uncle Jack” what the fuck

Wow, Fuller jumped directly into the teacup thing right from the start. Yikes. He clearly didn’t understand it. (Clarice isn’t the teacup, bro. The teacup represents time, and disorder, and will it ever be reversed?)

Lots of weird metaphors in this episode overall, though none as bad as the Willy Wonka thing.

Why is Hannibal in Minnesota? Is he a crime-scene investigator now? Is he on the FBI payroll? Doesn’t he have patients with appointments to keep? Social obligations? I HAVE QUESTIONS.

He’s not a priss or a germaphobe. DISLIKE.

Do like the phone call. Just fuckin’ carelessly with people’s lives for the fun of it, that’s our Hannibal.

FBI? Are you FBI, Will?

He shouldn’t have been issued that sidearm if he can’t hold it steady.

One shot would have been plenty. Maybe two. Jfc, the reason Clarice shot Gumb so many times was because he was going to shoot her. Hobbs had a knife, which he dropped, and he was incapacitated by the first/second shot. Silence Rip-Off #5

How the fuck is he still alive and talking?! Will plugged him about eight times!

Call the police, Hannibal, or the ambulance, or take off your jacket and provide first aid to this girl. You’re a doctor!

It really is like he wants to be arrested or something.

And then he gets to ride in the ambulance?? Just Because?

Overall, it was...not very good, imo, poorly paced, very poorly written, with acting that jumped wildly from “very good” to “awful,” sometimes from the same actors. Intense cringe throughout a lot of the script. Ripped off Silence of the Lambs, a superior movie about many of the same characters, way too many times. Will is boring and I don’t care about him, but then I also don’t care about canon Will. And I still think Mads Mikkelsen was poorly cast as Hannibal...the costumes aren’t doing him any favors, either. We’ll see if he can bring me around.

Some moments of genuine humor that I appreciated, though, and some nods to the canon that I grudgingly appreciated, too, including Hannibal being a dick and Jack Crawford fucking up people’s lives.

Hopefully if you made it this far into my observations you got a kick out of them. I probably won’t go into this much detail for every episode, but I do intend to try to watch at least all of Season 1.

Painful as it might be.

[anarkhebringer]

hi i'm back, can i get some more modern felix stuff please? just anything you can think of would be perfect!

Hiiiii nonny, welcome back~~~

But anyway yee, you may have a lot of random modern Felix stuffs. I’m always happy to deliver. I’m gonna try to not make it too long, but it’s already a mile long now by the time I’ve made most of the main points so I might as well just roll with it a bit. This is definitely gonna be a very long read.

Living with his aunt for the number of years he has eventually led him to developing an occasional southern drawl when he speaks, since his aunt has one. It’s a very rare thing though, and almost never happens. When it does though, he HATES IT.

The influences on his speaking from his aunt mostly shows in his wording of things, since sometimes when he gets spirited about something he says “y’all” and such all the time. One time when Sylvain was just being Sylvain, and neither Felix nor Ashe could calm him, Felix just muttered “y’all’re gonna bleed me dry someday…” Sylvain and Ashe thought it was the cutest fuckin’ thing, and Sylvain calmed down after that. Neither mentioned the drawl though since they quickly learned from hearing stories that Felix will get really pissed if you tease him about it or even mention it too much for his tastes. Which is just mentioning it at all.

He’s not easily scared at all, but just walking past him wrong can make him jolt from being startled sometimes. That’s something from his traumas that’s finally starting to come to the forefront that couldn’t before, since he could suppress everything that hindered his progress in combat, but he can’t do that anymore.

He’s gotten to be a person who can really enjoy his leisure due to his really deep dive into depression that happened after he got his ability to be in combat taken away from him. He and Linhardt could have had a competition to see who can fall asleep while standing up and stay standing the longest. He has medication that helps keep him awake enough to not be able to do that anymore though, but he has really bad insomnia now as a result of his completely chaotic and inconsistent sleeping schedule. His stress wrinkles in the inner corners of his eyes are completely covered by the dark circles under them now that really shows his wear and exhaustion.

He won’t at all complain if he’s given a task to do by someone that isn’t in his household, and it’ll keep his mind active and keep his mood in a positive place if he isn’t overworked. He does get drained way easier now though if what he’s asked to do involves socializing or interacting with anyone in any way too much.

When he’s drained socially, he becomes very aggressive and unstable. He’ll get like he used to be and completely isolate, and lash out if you interrupt what he’s doing and you don’t want to actively participate. He’d still get mad that you interrupted him though, and he probably won’t let you participate unless you’re among a certain handful of people.

Ashe and Claude are the only two people who don’t mentally drain him whatsoever, and he could see them literally every day if they wanted to do that. Ashe because Felix cares for him so much, and Claude because they’re so similar. He and Claude don’t drain each other because they can go literal months without speaking, then pick up on what they left off on like they only stopped talking for a day or two. Same with Ashe, though Felix becomes slightly noticeably more down and sad when he doesn’t see Ashe for too long a timespan.

He has a secret love of cuddling, and also hides his full support of platonic PDA, cuddling, and even kisses and such if there’s enough mutual trust between the ones involved. He’s very touch-averse and sensitive to others touching him, so he only really lets Ashe, Claude, and Sylvain touch him to show affection. Only Ashe can do much, and he only really tolerates Sylvain’s occasional one-armed hugs or quick pats on the shoulder as he walks by. Ashe however can hug him (after making his desires to do so known of course), hold his arms, and even his hands, since Ashe is the kind to show affection by physical means whenever he’s allowed to do so. They even cuddle at night when Ashe stays overnight at his apartment.

He actually lets Sylvain cuddle with him too when Sylvain really needs the affection during hard times, though he never returns it unless he does so while he’s asleep. It’s become a comforting thing to wake up to, feeling the warmth of Sylvain against him and his arms wrapped around Felix’s frame, even though Felix didn’t really want it to become that. At first, anyway.

His depressive rut wasn’t all bad in some cases, and because of the isolation he went into, he’s become extremely artistic and tech savvy since he didn’t have much to do to occupy himself. Being extremely brainy as is really helped him get going with these things.

He’s also learned to hack and code on the computer from that rut too, and he could get you into anything you wanted him to. He knows all sorts of ways to hide himself under all sorts of circumstances, and clear his tracks if he’s found, so he could actually be extremely dangerous if he were to use this knowledge and skill for anything shady. The most he uses it for is to make modifications to games and explore the Dark Web as anonymously as possible when his morbid curiosities get the best of him, though.

Well, there have been times where he’s used his skills to scare people. There have been times where people have threatened his friends (namely Claude and Ashe), and to scare the bullies off, he hid himself and hacked into their devices to make text documents warning them to stay away or else there would be trouble, because they’re always being watched. That always managed to scare them off on the first try, and he’s never done anything more than that, because there was no need.

He’s super protective of what few friends he has. He’d willingly put himself in danger for them all the time, unless of course they got themselves into the mess they’re in and he feels they don’t really deserve to be helped out of a situation that’ll be them learning their lesson. Otherwise, he’s borderline obsessed with his friends’ safety and happiness. It’s hard to really see that outside of sudden outbursts from him, since he’s so averse to socialization and unable to understand/express emotions well, but if he’s really needed and he can mentally handle it, you’d best believe he’d be completely focused on doing whatever he could do to help a friend in need for as long as they needed him.

Stuff like this has his friends really knowing who he is eventually, and he doesn’t like that. He’s actually really nice, but his way of showing it isn’t exactly common. Onlookers would think he’s just indifferent unless he’s feeling particularly chipper and/or manic, but his friends get to be on the receiving end of conversation and see him do more personal things compared to others, so they know he’s far nicer than even he thinks he is. He’s become oddly patient compared to his old self, and can hold a conversation for a while longer than he used to. If you get him talking about certain topics, though, you could manage to talk with him for literal hours on end.

He’s overall pretty chill now. Depression has taken the constant explosive anger out of him. He’s still always angry and bitter to some degree, but not to the point of lashing out at every little thing that upsets him. He’s still just as blunt as he was before, but he’s become a lot more passive-aggressive and/or condescending when it shows, instead of sudden outbursts and hurling insults around at all turns. And to those who have received both from him, the current version of his aggression hurts them a lot more, since he shows so little emotion during the times he throws something out to hurt them. All they see is (sometimes) in his body language, and the bitter fogginess in those eyes from how empty he’s become. Even his tone has changed. He’s not as aggressive sounding unless he’s more angry than usual, but he’s got a bitter tone. Or worse, he sounds almost monotone, like he feels absolutely nothing. If he’s got the tone of voice he used to have before, know that he’s on the verge of snapping and lashing out, and that goes from angry sounding to yelling at any time. And he yells loud.

He tends to cry a bit more than he used to now, since he gets overstimulated really easily. He can hold it in around other people most of the time unless it’s particularly overwhelming and getting even worse. It sometimes reminds Sylvain of when they were kids, but then he feels bad thinking of it like that since Felix has more going on in his head than he did back then. He’s trying to work on stopping that association, and he’s starting to get better at not thinking of Felix when he was a kid when he cries.

He used to parade around talking about how he wasn’t one to laugh and joke, but nowadays he’s not like that anymore. He still won’t joke often, and jokes go right over his head and he doesn’t get it and may ruin it usually, but he lets himself laugh at things he finds funny. Not around other people, though. Unless it’s from something else he finds funny, like a YouTube video. His laugh is like an odd mix between Vinny from Vinesauce, Bluesdank, and FPS Diesel. He’s the rare kind of person that’ll laugh in 10 different ways in one sitting and them all be real laughter. The sound of his laughter isn’t too consistent at times.

There’s another reason he can’t do much anymore aside from his depression, and that’s because a year or so ago he had a fit of smaller seizures that shocked his system really bad because of how long it lasted. After that, his mental regression that was already happening because of what he has has gotten much faster in its progression.

Despite these new growing limits he has, he’s still doing his best to keep going and existing on doing what he can do with what he has, and he’s shifted from being solely focused on a person’s skills in battle to how much heart they have due to it. He won’t care about combat skills anymore if you aim to impress him, he cares more about what you bring to the table. Your skills with a sword don’t show what you put your heart into in life and what you do for yourself and others. If you wanna impress him, give him a gift from the heart, not anything store bought. Do something nice for someone. Draw him a picture, write him a letter, pick him some flowers you think he’d like. Maybe take him to the park? Talk to him about your interests, voice your opinions on what you enjoy. Something that you can put your heart into, and I can’t stress it enough. He cares about a person’s core more than their fighting prowess now. He’s sworn off of focusing so much on fighting forever since he got the ability to do so himself taken form him, and he refuses to still dwell on it with others, too.

Alright, that’s gonna be where I cut it off for now. Hopefully that was a good read. I’ve made Felix go through some shit in this AU, but hey, he’s one of the characters I picked to put a theme of healing and strength onto, so I gotta give him some lore to get him to the point of being so different now. Plus a softer Felix makes me warm inside, so I wanted to incorporate that in, too.

[crystalmemoria]

A headcanon for Aichi

All right, because I can sometimes get a bit crazy analyzing and theorizing things about my favorite characters, I ended up writing up a lot of headcanons for... OK, SPOILER WARNING FOR CARDFIGHT VANGUARD 2018!

PSY Qualia Zombie Aichi. Keep in mind that I could be wrong about some things, but I feel like they make sense, at least?

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Going by what I read in the manga (Some of which got a little lost in the transition from manga to anime), I was under the impression that while Aichi was walking to the Tatsunagi manor that he was something of an empty shell on autopilot at the time. In the manga, when Rekka told Ren and Tetsu where Aichi was going, she mentioned that Aichi's progenitor, Kourin, was in an unstable state. This means that he has to meet up with her. That leads me to believe he was, as mentioned, in sort of a... you know, zombie-like state until he was able to be reoriented when he reached Kourin's, or more likely, the Destiny Conductor's presence.

Upon walking into the room with Misaki and Kourin, that's when he regained awareness. He wasn't completely aware of the situation, and as far as he could tell, Kourin may have very well collapsed rather than lost a fight. Part of the real Aichi managed to shine through there, and he genuinely WAS concerned about Kourin and Misaki. However, once Misaki explained what happened, it was quickly cleared up. As such, he was no longer concerned and finally emerged into his "true" persona. 

Aichi's actually a very different case than the other PSY Qualia Zombies. If you notice, most of the other PSY Qualia Zombies were either like themselves plus some battle/power-lust or mindless zombies. Aichi, however, his entire personality has taken a turn for the twisted. Unlike Aichi's normally nice demeanor, he's taken extreme turn for the cocky, eerily sinister, and even creepy personality. I think because the Destiny Conductor infected him far more deeply than anyone else (Barring possibly the Called Walkers, but even they were more themselves than Aichi is), his personality, his thought process, his perceptions of what's happening around him... all of it is far more seriously skewed than any other PSY Qualia Zombie. He's not thinking clearly or like himself. Please keep this one in mind for my next headcanon(s).

Whenever Aichi taunts Misaki, I don't actually feel like he's intending it as a taunt. I feel like he... almost feels like it's all in jest? Like friendly teasing. It's clear that it's NOT how it comes out, but Aichi's so out of it right now that he doesn't realize just how snide it is. Even his predicting the flow of the battle is just him having fun against the opponent, pretty much.

He wants nothing more than to be together with his friends again, and it's his top priority. He doesn't see anything wrong with turning people into PSY Qualia Zombies, and actually doesn't mean any malice with it. It's all just so they can be together and enjoy Vanguard together, and they "can't" while they're not PSY Qualia Zombies.

He still cares for his friends, but his feelings have definitely been skewed. As mentioned, he doesn't have any qualms about turning them into PSY Qualia Zombies, and will want to try to do so even if they express that they don't want to. He's too far gone to be able to really think about it from their perspective or realize that he should abide by their wishes. If it were anything else and it didn't contradict with turning them into a PSY Qualia Zombie, he'd be perfectly willing to do as they ask or say. Even if they're not currently "teammates", he still cares about them.

Aichi's feelings and goals about the Cardfight Club are being twisted into this state. If you think about it, his goals for the cardfight club were very similar to his goals as a PSY Qualia Zombie. He wanted to gather people, spread Vanguard (A.K.A. introducing the students of Miyaji Academy to Vanguard through the club), and enjoy Vanguard with them. Guess what he wants to do here? He wants to gather teammates, spread Vanguard (A.K.A. turning people into PSY Qualia Zombies), and enjoy it with them.

Aichi honestly is having fun. His perspective is so skewed that the idea of his friends being horrified by the way he's acting just doesn't seem to affect his enjoyment at all. They're cardfighting, cardfighting is fun, they'll have more fun afterwards once they're "teammates", and that's that. It's not even malice on his part when he does his sinister chuckles. He's genuinely just having fun from his perspective.

He says some things to Misaki a couple of times that may sort of hint that some small part of him, deep down, is aware of what has happened to him/what is happening. When Misaki talks to him about how she'll bring him back to normal, he responds with "Oh, Misaki... It would be nice if you could." and he even tells her and Kourin that he hopes that things happen different... "for her sake". The way he says these things sound similarly condescending to his other lines, but I feel like, deep down, he's still in there somewhere. He probably isn't even aware of this part of himself as he says it. The part of him that hopes Misaki can win, the part of him that doesn't want her to become a PSY Qualia Zombie... Some of the good, sweet Aichi is still in there. He's just buried under corruption and insanity.

And last, but not least... the part when Aichi puts his hand on Misaki's head, and speaks to her. I feel like this isn't necessarily something that his PSY Qualia Zombie state would manifest out of nowhere. There is part of him that DOES like Misaki enough to do such a thing, to say such things, and to want her by his side. While he's not in his right mind when he says it, it's still based on SOMETHING in him. On top of that, Aichi said Misaki's name eighteen times in less than thirty minutes. The only other person he's EVERY repeated the name of that much is Kai, and that was only in the original series... and IIRC he never said Kai's name eighteen times in one episode. All of this combined is officially some serious ship fuel in my opinion.

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I’m probably way wrong with all of this, but it’s honestly how it all comes across to me. He’s not “evil” or anything in his eyes. He just wants to have fun with his friends. He’s just too out of it to really realize that something’s wrong. He’s oh so vaguely aware of the idea of being “returned to normal”, but he’s just too far away from his normal state of mind.

[musicmushi]

Vent incoming feel free to read if you want but pass by it if you dont thats cool too

This is to feel like free-writing I suppose. I have been going through a lot in my head and it feels good sometimes to just get my fingers flowing and to type stuff out. I have been having mental breakdowns off and on for at least a week but most likely more. I have fought the urge to cut myself, resisted the temptation to get rid of some certain people.

I know that the mindset I have is unhealthy but that doesn't stop me from having it. Actually, I think to try to repress it just makes the mindset worse. I’m trying my best to not ignore myself but that sort of leaves the question “who am I?” or maybe “What?”. I feel like I’m supposed to just know what I’m all about just by trying things and doing what my gut feels is right. Seems simple, right? Just focus on what feels right for you and whatever that is speaks to who you are.

Well, the short of it is it's not. Plain and simple trying to decipher your persona so to speak from just what feels right and good is a perfect slope into confusion territory because humans, by default, are multifaceted beings with complex thoughts and contradictory interests. No one fits into one singular pretty little mold. There’s gonna be cracks and holes and dents that warp the overall product making each person imperfect and out of the ordinary. The ‘molds’ are stereotypes and stereotypes by and large are not true for everyone everywhere! There’s just way too many humans to make that a possibility. I have been trying to fit into mold, after mold, after mold my entire life and I can’t fit in anywhere. As ridiculous as this may sound to those who ‘get it’ it frustrates me that I have failed at being a perfect little human even though I know very well that perfection does not exist. The idea of perfection itself is flawed and thus becomes paradoxical.

Sometimes I wish I could reboot myself into something that's more cohesive and understandable because the need to explain myself time after time after time again gets annoying and tiresome yet there it is. I feel as though I need to explain myself in such detail that my ideas and motives should not be questioned. I need to have an irrefutable reason for anything and everything I do; “it makes me happy” never cut it and it never will even when I’m with the company where that answer would suffice. Nothing can just “make me happy” I’m left trying to explain WHY it makes me happy because I want people to understand that though I can be theatrical in my emotions and reactions; I am not a joke to be told and passed around amongst friends. I think about what I do and why I do it so often that it has given me premature stress among other things.

I know what some may think at that. And yes, being stuck trying to explain why I enjoy things and what happiness even is, leaves me depressed as fuck. I’ve seen that video! Everyone has seen that video by Scotch and yeah I related to it and all the amazing points he made. But I can’t just stop giving a fuck because I can’t think of an irrefutable reason to do so. Everything needs a reason. Because once I do something that lacks reason I’m being dubbed ‘silly’ or ‘ridiculous’ ‘a crazed fangirl’ ‘obsessed’…I’m made into a joke. People think that I’m just someone not to be taken seriously and that makes me mad but I can't blame anyone but myself because I have a natural tendency to act silly and be funny and there’s nothing wrong with that but when there’s a time to be serious suddenly people are caught off guard when I step up and be serious.

It’s almost as ridiculous as the people being blown away at the singing talent of Susan Boyle because she didn’t look like a diva or whatever. You can’t look at someone’s physical attributes and mannerisms and suddenly know what they have hiding under the hood. I act obsessed with the person that I love because I’m excited to be with them, I have never once taken that relationship for granted and I think about our future together because the happiness that comes with being tied together cosmically with this person is nice to think about. My feelings for them is not a joke or a phase or a simple crush…I’m not some crazed obsessed yandere waiting with a knife under my arm behind the door. Call me whatever you want but don’t you dare even try to write this off as anything less than real and serious.

I plan for my future because I want to make sure I have back up plans for my back up plans. Lord knows I have had enough go wrong in my life in so many ways that I think its completely reasonable to be cautious and plan around dangers. I’m not being dramatically paranoid. I make jokes a lot of the time and I love to laugh. But I, myself, am not a joke.

I’m aggressive yet non-confrontational, stubborn but I can go with the flow, emotionally unstable but when the time is right I’m sensible and have the right advice to give, I have inherited my mother's saint-like patience with others but I myself get antsy and jumpy very easily. I have every reason to hate the world and to give up on love but the very idea of doing so makes me feel brokenhearted and weep.

I have to keep caring and I have to keep believing in love because without love the world becomes even more unforgiving and a life without that hope isn't worth living. If I lose the passion and investment in these ideas that I have then I lose my irrefutable reason to live. My belief in love gives me a rock solid reason to not kill myself and that is not to be joked about or tossed in the trash. Love is not trash. If I stop giving a fuck, I’m afraid that will result in something truly drastic. If that’s deserving of not being taken seriously then I have already lined myself up for the Fool’s Pillory. If that truly is the case then so be it. But one cannot fault me for wanting to be taken seriously as a thinking adult.

I am in the process of accepting myself as trans and the process is making me impatient as I feel no one is taking that seriously. I either get suspicious looks from friends and colleagues thinking that I’m throwing my identity away for the sake of another or I get a barrage of pastel attitudes and flower crown treatment which feels very condescending and hand-holding which in turn pisses me off. I get people telling me that “if you wanna be a man you don't wear makeup” or “I’m not going to help you look more masculine because you’re only doing this for that girl you never shut up about” Everywhere I turn there’s a road bump or wall blocking my path and its making me hate myself and the world for making this process so god damned confusing. Here I am approaching 25 with years of stacked up gender issues and now that I’m trying to deal with them head on I got people trying to white knight me and tell me how I should present myself so that I can be a proper trans. Like there’s some sorta gender identity manual out there and I’m just…doing it wrong and I need some well-meaning person to come up and hold my hand and guide me to the other side like I’m not cognizant enough to figure it out for myself. I’m not a pathetic ridiculous laugh worthy little retarded delicate daisy.

I have years of abuse and reality slapping me in the face harder than anyone else in my personal circle and yet these personal friends of mine that I have grown with are the worst in roadblocking me like not even my dearest friends can take me seriously because when I do act serious about it they get thrown off their groove and they don’t know how to talk to me about it so they don't. I got one friend that knew I had fallen in love with my special someone and not two minutes later joked that he had a chance to sweep her off her feet. No one takes me seriously no matter what I’ve been trying and that seriously pisses me off.

I’m pissed, confused, stressed, fighting the urge to cut myself, and it seems that I’m the only one sometimes that knows I’m not joking when I say these things. I think through my actions and I do my research. Everything I do has a reason. But no one wants to believe that because I’m supposed to be the pitiable stupid one that’s mocked and laughed at and just lies in waiting for my mythical white knight to come in, sword swaying, and whisk me away so that I can live happily ever after or whatever. When I need help; I ask. Plain and simple if I think I can’t handle something I reach out. I’ll fully admit I’m bad at it but I’m not so bad as to miss the opportunity entirely like I’m slow. I’m not slow and I’m not worth your pity…If you pity me then you can escort yourself out before your shining armor blinds others to the reality of autonomy. You know who you are.

[heartslayedd]

001

So, I recognize some areas where I need to heal. I guess I've been avoiding these things and just keeping them under the guise of internet stalking and, to an extent, wishful thinking. I (slowly) have began to realize the reasons why I do such odd (or normal) behaviors and I need to work them out and work through them. The good thing about this is that addressing these issues will help me accomplish some of the goals I've set out for myself, this will actually force ME to work on myself.

These 3 women I will speak about all have similar attributes about them that draw me to them and also happened to have created the biggest heartache for me when our friendship came to an end. I will label them accordingly and discuss each desired trait that these said women hold. Leena, Ana and Reema will be the names of these once ago friends of mine.

What did I see in Reema? 

Well Reema, at first, really came off as cool, calm and collected and maybe even a bit of a dork. She had like an almost bubbly personality and her aura was warm and welcoming. I enjoyed how nice and soft she was, I got like a mom vibe from her. She was also very clean and proper, always looked clean cut, presentable but yet comfortable. The reason why the ending of this friendship hurt so bad was because Reema and I were so similar, I felt like I could have learned more about myself through her because she was like a level ahead of me, you know? Like I'm level 1 designer, or gardener and she's level 3 or 4. If that makes any sense. I felt the closest and the deepest to her because of our similarities. 

Traits I desire? : Lover of plants/ plant knowledge, her love in home decor, her softness/ girlie-ness, style of dress!! ( Think big comfy sweaters and leggings (or jeans ) with some vans, cute designer bag (very neat and organized)), her love for cleaning and organizing. 

What did I see in Ana?: 

So (lol) Ana is a bit different and a bit complicated. I was never friends with Ana personally and I don't really have any traits I desire, it’s a huge mixture of things and I will explain myself and go into detail, as petty and pathetic as I may look, I need to be honest with myself in order to heal. Ana is a very petty and ugly girl, she is the type to be all over social media, and definitely putting up a facade. She’d be the one to tweet out how people should feel THIS way or she's a bad bitch and would never feel sad over a guy. Yet she's probably the most unhappiest person I've ever come into contact with. All I like about her is her style of dress and maybe even her ability to come off so helpless and naive, she lets guys message her and talk to her all kinds of ways but she revels in the attention whether its good or bad--- its mostly bad though.

What did I see in Leena?:

Leena was a coworker of mine, from the start I was automatically entranced by her princess-like attitude. Anyone could see it, I think, everyone there treated her a certain way just because of the way she carried herself. The managers and supervisors knew it, we all knew it, Leena was THE princess and she relished in the title. That’s something I ALWAYS admired about her, she carried herself so high and mighty but she wasn't condescending nor like a bitch about it. I deeply admired her style, grace her ambition and confidence, she had like super confidence and she hid her feelings well. She was like a snake, silent but deadly, bold, brave and stubborn. She knew what she was good at and she used that to get what she wanted. Leena was someone whom I really aspired to be like, to look at their style, step out of my comfort zone. Leena would go by herself to get her eyebrows or eyelashes done, sometimes right before work, she always looked put together and well polished. She kept up with her appearance and took pride in it, which is something I deeply admire. Like we both did the same job and she would never get dirty like she was always really careful and intentional with what she did. 

Traits: style of dress, personality, regal attitude, gentleness, put together-ness, boldness, confidence. 

Although I listed a lot of positives, the negatives outweigh them by far. The reason why I’m glad I'm me is because: Reema, had an abusive boyfriend, she's very noncommittal and just seems like an unstable person. There’s something in her that is just really dark and unpleasant. 

Ana, well she’s a very sad and desperate person, despite her good fashion sense she really just posts for the gram and twitter. That trait is really ugly if I'm being honest, she's always on her phone and not in the moment, she posts to look like she's having the time of her life whilst really, she's sad and depressed. I always want to be my authentic self. 

Leena, is very vindictive, bitter and unstable. She literally broke up with her boyfriend and then ruined his new relationship by telling the girl either lies or that he had chlamydia when he was younger. I’ve never met someone who could be so brash and evil. Her relationship was toxic and it made me think she’s just a superficial person, she only hangs or dates people who have money or status. 

[hyperballadofthesenses]

winter break male chaos :(

So, from like the end of the first quarter to the beginning of the second I really wanted to experiment with being with men, and then, subsequently, did so. Do I regret it? Kind of. I think it was necessary to learn that I wasn’t at all into that, but on the other hand, I was definitely taken advantage of and manipulated by several guys. Specifically, one story kind of has stuck in my mind for quite some time and it’s kind of super disturbing...

So I had this friend from high school, and I think by the end of senior year we were pretty close. We hung out after school sometimes and then throughout the summer as well, though he was doing a low-income first-gen preparatory course at the college he would be attending (which is in the same city as where we went to high school) and he was often pretty busy. 

Throughout high school, it was kinda obvious that he had a crush on me because there was some joke (I don’t remember the context) where he would call me ‘mommy’ all the time and we would kind of roughhouse at lunch in a jokey way. He was always really emotionally supportive whenever I was going through a tough time, telling me that he was always “there for me” and all that stuff. Little did I know that this would all be a ploy so he could manipulate and ultimately fuck with my head in a crazy profound way. 

So my first quarter of college was a disaster for a bunch of reasons, though mainly it was kind of reactionary to how badly people treated me in high school. All of a sudden, I arrive at college and people actually think I’m attractive and want to hook up with me, which was totally mindblowing since throughout high school I would constantly be berated for my appearance and my awkwardness/inability to really fit in. So, needless to say, I became a bit of a ‘slut’, hooking up with way too many people and ultimately being super hurt by all of them. So this weird cycle of emotional abuse continues.

In those moments of feeling really insecure about myself, I ended up texting this guy asking if we could hang out because I thought I mind have ‘feelings’ for him, though I didn’t really elaborate about what those may be. So, we decided to hang out one day, and he dropped by my apartment where my dominating mother insisted he have dinner with us and stay inside since it was raining out and super dark. So, we had dinner but he whispered to me that he had a few joints and we could find a dry spot by the park near my house to smoke. I agreed, and I told my mom we were just going for some fresh air.

So we’re at this park and we smoke a bit, and he gets pretty high but I don’t all that much. I ask him if he wants to sit down since’s he’s looking a little dazed, and so we find a bench in the park that’s kinda dry and we sit, but all of a sudden, he grabs me really hard and shoves his tongue down my throat. I kind of try to reciprocate because I was stupid and didn’t want him to feel bad or anything, but then he reaches up under my jacket and starts fondling me, then he tries to put his hand down my pants and I ask him to stop but he doesn’t until I manage to pull myself away. I said I wanted to go home, but all his stuff was at my house so we had to walk back together. He had a vice grip on my shoulders as we walked back, and I came into my room and was kinda out of it and disassociating. He grabbed my wrist and put it on his dick through his pants. Then he climbs onto my bed and starts making out with me and again and pushes me down and asks if he can have sex with me. I told him no, since I was stoned and also just generally shocked by this all, but he kisses me again anyways before I get up the nerve to sit up and lead him out. 

I told my friends and they all laughed and thought it was hilarious, and I kind of did too. Also, I should mention that, beforehand, he ranted to me about how he never liked the girlfriend he dated briefly in his senior year, and how he had been ‘in love’ with me for all of high school. Apparently, my friends said he had been asking around whether I was gay or straight or bi since sophomore year. 

So for the next few days, he ends up texting me about meeting up again, and when we do I decided to do something that would totally put a distance in our relationship sexually. I was redecorating my room and invited him over and then got him to help me put up posters and pictures and fairy lights. Then, I invited over one of my best guy friends... we’ll refer to him as J, he’ll likely appear again, he’s a chill dude.

So this guy is clearly uncomfortable with J being there. J and I end up talking most of the time, and he’s playing my guitar, and it’s all very chill. This guy eventually gets so uncomfortable that he leaves, and I thank J for helping me assuage the situation. I think I invited him over in the first place because I thought there still was a ‘friendship’, even though now I clearly see how he was manipulating me. Well, brace yourselves. The manipulation gets even worse.

He’s texting me and is really confused about everything, and I kind of tell him that I think there needs to be a ‘break’ (wtf was I even thinking???) between us, and he reluctantly agrees. I can’t remember everything from this point on since winter quarter was so fucking awful and I disassociated throughout all of it. Anyways, so halfway through the quarter I have two suicide attempts and am hospitalized in a psych ward. 

I was so lonely and desperate for someone to care about me, and so, for some reason, I can’t really understand even now, I reached out to him. He began to call me at least once a day throughout the entire month that I was in this hospital. When I got out and went back home briefly before returning to school, I was definitely still not thinking straight and asked if we could try having a sexual relationship again. I honestly wasn’t even attracted to him in the slightest, but he had been someone who was ‘infatuated’ with me and I kind of wanted that sort of validation at that time.

Well, he told me, in the most condescending way possible, that he had moved on from me and was taking a break from engaging in relationships because he was somehow ‘beyond that’. He basically proceeded to shame me for leading him on and being unpredictable, and then accredited it to my being mentally unstable, stating that I was the one who was manipulating him! 

In general, he’s a fucking douchebag. However, there’s still a sick part of my brain which still wants to see him, not because I expect anything, but to somehow shove in his face my current stability and my fucking conquering of school. I should be proud of myself and I am. 

Also, is what he did considered sexual assault? I honestly don’t know, the lines can be really blurry and I don’t really know how to categorize these things.

Also, it’s embarrassing but I feel it should be said... I also asked J if he wanted to hook up with me, but he was a nice guy about it and said no but has still remained good friends. He’s a good guy and an actual real friend.