#I literally couldn't think of a better way to kill off that inquisitor

[professorsparklepants]

welcome to fanfic I won't write fridays, where I talk about fanfic I won't write

happy dragon age 4 to those who celebrate it's time to put all my "pevensie siblings isekai'd into dragon age pcs" thoughts in one post

peter is the inquisitor; i considered lucy for this but she's more what the inquisition wants you to appear to be (a divine prophet protecting the people) rather than what you actually are (the head of a military organization with fingers in politics and heavy religious propaganda

edmund is the champion of kirkwall; the entire point of da2 is that everything is in shades of grey and there are no right answers, and edmund is painted as the most familiar with moral ambiguity and the most forgiving of it

lucy is the grey warden originally through process of elimitation but being dropped in a dying world, told there's a near futile mission to hold back the decay that's eating the continent, and not only facing it whole heartedly but succeeding so well you have time to run off and try to cure it yourself with no backup is EXTREMELY lucy behavior

susan is "sir not appearing in this film (until dragon age 4 comes out)"

all four of them land around the same time. lucy gets wrapped up in the origins plot immediately, and da2 happens mostly simultaneously iirc so so is edmund. peter is biding time doing the qunari mercenary backstory until da:i starts. susan is also biding her time but by clawing her way up the local social hierarchy.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS

lucy is a mage with the spirit healer specialization, but based on her canon weapon use i think also has traces of the arcane warrior.

duncan literally finds her by the side of the road and goes "hey kid you wanna fight darkspawn." lucy asks if they're evil and he says yes so she signs up immediately. a simple woman.

she absolutely makes the full party her bisexual polycule. yes even the unromancable ones. i have faith in her.

morrigan: i'm straight lucy: for now.

leliana is her favorite but don't tell anyone.

lucy adores mabari. absolutely nothing in thedas is more narnian than the mabari. when she meets her siblings again they are all going to be so fucking jealous that she has one.

lucy doesn't make alistair king because he seems like he's kind of bad at it and i think she can sniff that out. my sister is of the opinion that lucy would make him king and then marry him bc she knows she would do a good job. i think she only said this because she finds it funny.

however i do think lucy would convince alistair to do the ritual because she sees absolutely nothing wrong with him having sex with a woman he hates who turns into a giant spider sometimes.

lucy, has attended dozens of bacchanalia: who hasn't slept with someone they dislike while under the effects of magic? all her companions: where did you say you were from again?

she does absolutely kill loghain though because a. all the shit he did is deserving of an execution, b. edmund isn't here to stop her, and c. alistair threatens to quit if she doesn't and despite having a mabari he's her emotional support animal

DRAGON AGE 2

i couldn't decide if edmund was a mage or a warrior but i decided it would be funnier if he were both, because it has such hawke energy. you surpress his magic? he has a sword. you disarm him? he has a fireball!

i don't know what warrior specialization i would pick for him, but he's definitely a force mage

i think edmund literally falls out of a portal and saves bethany/carver's life so the hawkes just decide to adopt him. he's theirs now. leandra just full on lies and says he's her son. what the fuck is her brother gonna do about it.

edmund walks into the den of sin and darkness that is kirkwall, sighs, and rolls up his sleeves to get to work. he is going to make this city a better place one back alley brawl at a fucking time. try him.

edmund romances anders because he has "i only date disasters/i can fix him" vibes and i think it's funny for him to be a former sovereign whose boyfriend is a wanted terrorist.

but also the da2 polycule IS real edmund is just not dating everyone at once. he's busy and also i hc him as only into men. imagine what you want though this isn't a real fic.

sorry the image of edmund just pspspspspsps-ing all of his sad, angry, morally grey companions into being friends is so fucking funny to me. local man brainwashed by evil as a child is too full of love and the belief in second chances to say no to a blood mage, guy who is willingly possessed at all times, escaped slave who lives in a mansion full of rotting corpses, a cop, and a romance novelist who keeps stealing your life story.

DRAGON AGE: INQUISITION

peter has the qunari mercenary backstory, and is absolutely a warrior build. probably champion build?

also i think he romances cassandra. i considered josephine but that's more a susan romance. if peter were into men that way he'd be all over iron bull and he says as much after a couple drinks.

peter, cornering cullen after their first war meeting: you haven no military experience do you. cullen: please don't tell anyone. i need this job.

he takes one look at solas and goes "oh this guy is not normal. idk what his deal is but this is some kind of oak god at least."

varric doesn't know edmund and peter are siblings until edmund shows up and he is INCREDIBLY offended by it. what do you MEAN i've been calling you hawke for years and it's not even your fucking name. the BETRAYAL.

edmund: my ex-boyfriend blew up the chantry and started the mage/templar war peter: HEY DORIAN, MY HONORABLE GOOD FRIEND WHO IS GAY, HAVE YOU MET MY VERY GAY BROTHER

"well his family owns slaves that's enough of a project for Edmund"

you know the table mission where the warden send you a letter? instead of that i think lucy just turns around and immediately heads back to thedas. THAT'S HER FUCKIN BROTHER!!!!!!!! she shows up after edmund does obviously for maximum "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!!" drama

[scene: all three pevensies are roaring drunk in skyhold and casting members of the inquisition as Narnian creatures] Peter: I think Solas is a centaur. He's wise, respectful, and vaguely condescending. Lucy: [sniggering bc she clocked Solas] I think he's a wolf. Edmund: I think he's a marshwiggle. [Peter and Lucy absolutely lose it]

Lucy, halfway through stumbling back to her room: WAIT. DORIAN IS A PEACOCK. Peter, three floors up: [ugly donkey noise]

DRAGON AGE: VEILGUARD

obviously there's nothing 2 say about this yet

however i will say for certain that if there's a noble human background i'll be giving it to susan

idc that she literally got portal fantasy'd into this world. she's pretty and socially dangerous she wormed her way in there. she's got those diplomatic social climber stats.

she's also a rogue, no question.

[thefoodwiththedood]

Here's an innocent TMI ask! Hes, why did you cut your hair, and Cerate, how'd you get that scar on your eye?

It’s TMI Tuesday! Ask my muse anything you want and they’ll have to answer honestly.

Hes: “That probably is the most innocent one we’ve gotten, isn’t it?”

Cerate: “I think so! Anyway, yeah, it’s funny you should ask, because we have sort of the same answer for both.”

Hes: “The short version of it? Empire.”

Cerate: “Pffbt, yeah, I think that sums up all our problems. The longer version is that, a couple years back, there was this Inquisitor tracking us down. The same Inquisitor that, uh…killed my mom, in fact. Guess she wanted me too, huh?”

Hes: “We sure put that bitch in her place, though, didn’t we?”

Cerate: “Well yeah, but I think that’s just ‘cause we got lucky—I’m getting to that, though,”

(The rest of the story’s under the cut, it got a little long as I was writing it)

Cerate: “So basically, the Inquisitor chased us halfway across the galaxy and back,”

Hes: “And not ‘cause she was ordered to, might I add, this cunt just wanted to finish the job that bad—I’m pretty sure the Emperor even had the Inquisitorius disbanded by this point, so she was probably just goin’ rogue.”

Cerate: “That’d explain why she was alone, I guess. Anyway, yeah, eventually we just got tired of running, and we decided to just stop and try to kill her—or slow her down, at least.”

Hes: “No easy feat, keep in mind—did we mention she was a Gen’dai? As in, a virtually-unkillable, gross-sack-of-immortal-muscles-and-shit Gen’dai?”

Cerate: “Not just virtually unkillable—had we not been at the right place at the right time, she’d probably still be hunting us. Again, though, I’ll get to that. So yeah, we decided we’d choose Alderaan as a place to fight—no reason why, really, it was just the closest planet to us. We parked our ship in the forest, she parked hers across from ours, and for a while she just stood there, staring us down all creepy-like,”

Hes: “Bit needlessly dramatic, if you ask me, but what else can you expect from a Sith,”

Cerate: “I know, right? So finally, I walked out with my sabers drawn, while Hes stood back by the ship in case I needed backup—and that’s where the fight began.”

Hes: “No joke, kid, I’m still surprised how well you held your own there—you weren’t even breakin’ a sweat!”

Cerate: “I know! I’m glad I at least looked convincing, ‘cause I was legit scared half to death. So yeah, for a little bit it was just me fighting her, but eventually I did kinda slip up. She knocked one of my sabers out of my hand, and while I was trying to grab it she got a quick slash in on my face—hence, of course, the scar,”

Hes: “I almost had a heart attack right then, not gonna lie,”

Cerate: “Imagine how I felt! So yeah, I’m on the ground, one hand on my face, and this giant Gen’dai is standing over me about to deliver a killing blow. So what do I do? I pull my other saber towards me with the Force, it ignites mid-air, and BAM, clean cut right through her waist!”

Hes: “And that’s where I jumped in—while she was re-forming, I helped Cer up and pulled out my own sabers, then we double-teamed that bitch,”

Cerate: “Oh, c’mon, don’t say it like that—yeah, so me and Hes fought together to cut her up some more, and all she could manage to do before she was totally diced was go for Hes’ neck.”

Hes: “But ya guessed it, all she got was my hair. I grew that shit for YEARS, and what does she do? Shears that shit off in an instant. All I could smell was burnt hair for days after, it was the worst,”

Cerate: “I think the alternative would’ve been the worst. So yeah, once she was in pieces, we used the Force to throw them every which way, and we made a bee-line back to our ship.

Hes: “Then we blew her ship up, flew off, and we were in the clear!”

Cerate: “Well, as in the clear as we could’ve been then. We both knew she’d be back—like you said, Gen’dai are virtually unkillable. So we agreed to just bide our time, get stronger, and the next time, whenever it came, we would be ready. That would’ve been ‘The End’, but...”

Hes: “KABOOM! We look back behind us and, guess what? Alderaan’s gone. Just blown up. Vaporized. Literally the whole planet, just gone in an instant.”

Cerate: “Needless to say, we were...shocked. All those people dead, all of them innocent...and what’s worse, just before we jumped to hyperspace, we saw the Empire’s Death Star in the wake of it all.”

Hes: “It’s just...how could they...to a whole planet of their own? I’m just glad that bastard Tarkin got what was coming to him, eventually,”

Cerate: “It was an emotional ride back to Devaron, to say the least. If it wasn’t for the Alliance, they might’ve come to us next,”

Hes: “We’re still not joining them, though. I’ll die fighting for Devaron before I become one of Mothma’s lackeys,”

Cerate: “I know, I know, I’m just giving credit where it’s due—point is, that Inquisitor’s probably gone for good now, the Death Star’s destroyed, and Hes and I are all good,”

Hes: “If a little pissed still—I really liked my hair like that,”

Cerate: “Hey, c’mon, your hair still looks good! At least now you can wear a helmet again,”

Hes: “Yeah, true—and hey, that scar looks badass too, not gonna lie,”

Cerate: “Aw, thanks! Guess it’s nice to get something out of that fight,”

Hes: “Besides some well-earned revenge, you mean,”

Cerate: “Now now, revenge isn’t the Jedi way, is it?”

Hes: “Ha! We’re way too cool to be Jedi, you know that—oh, shit, we went off on a tangent there, didn’t we?”

Cerate: “We sure did! Anyway, yeah, thanks for the ask!”