#I need like a whole new wardrobe but it would cost money and it's insanely difficult for me to find pieces of clothing I can stand

[mellotronmkll]

I hate all of my clothes I only feel comfortable and confident in like 4 pieces of clothing and I hate everything else but I hate shopping for clothes even more plus it costs money so I feel like I'm just stuck wearing clothes I hate and look stupid in and it's so so much worse in the summer because I own literally one pair of pants that are weather appropriate that fit me that I also don't want to kill myself while wearing and they're not even cute. But I just wear them every single day

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

hello friends this is a post about Food Issues, having a body, and wearing clothes. I would actually like some advice, if you have any ideas for how to circumvent this problem.

tl:dr: all of my clothes are too big. like, to a ludicrous, untenable point. I need to wear clothes, as one does, but how?

I have lost an amount of weight recently, because of the Not Eating Problem. I do not own a scale and am not interested in one, for compulsion-minimization reasons, so I do not know how much weight.

the problem, however, is that absolutely none of my pants fit! I don't have a lot of summer pants, like three pairs, and all of the ones I have are much too big now. very too big.

I am not super invested in how clothes look on me, but I generally like to own at least some clothes that support the standard modesty requirements for leaving one's home. significantly too-big pants just don't want to stay on your body, because of how gravity is.

I don't own a belt. I could get one, which might fix the problem for the pair of pants I wear most often, so I should do that, but I don't think the other two pairs of pants have belt loops. I should dig them out of the laundry (or, like, wash the laundry) so I can check. is there a way to belt pants that don't come with loops?

belt acquisition would bring my wearable wardrobe to at least one pair of pants, no skirts, and I think three dresses, but I'd have to try the third one on. dresses tend to work better because they just look sort of awkwardly large on me, rather than literally trying to migrate off my body whenever gravity happens.

oh, plus my new dress, which I haven't unboxed yet, but also did buy with the assumption that I was approximately the size my body was in April, and I am some distance from that size, so we'll see how that goes.

so four dresses, one of them theoretically a bit fancy for casual wear, but also clothes is clothes, and one pair of pants if I can figure out belts.

that's not completely dire, but it's also Not Great, right? how many clothes items should one have? that doesn't seem like enough. I feel like I should have maybe two pairs of pants, in theory. also, I'm quite bad at laundry, which would be a problem even if I could wear all the clothes I have.

I am hesitant to buy pants that fit my current body size, for several reasons

(a I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I'm eating slightly better. I'm certainly not out of the woods, but I'm cautiously optimistic. my understanding of how this works is that once you start eating reliably, you bounce back up to somewhere that I am hoping is roughly around where I started out, so I can wear my clothes again and not have to buy a whole-ass wardrobe. if I do end up in a very different place long-term, I will burn that bridge when I come to it.

the place I currently am in seems temporary, is my point.

(b I do not actually spend a lot of time actively thinking about my weight, even when my food issues are as bad as they get, but I do have a history of having big negative feelings when I discover that clothes that used to fit me are now too small, because of Cultural Messaging and also being neurotic. I am feeling a bit fragile and the idea of giving myself a ticket for Future Bad Feelings About Your Body To Be Redeemed Once You Start Taking Care Of Yourself Again seems like a bad ticket to get.

(c being more mentally ill is already costing somewhat more money than being less mentally ill does, which is making me a bit scrupulous about the idea of buying clothes that will only be useful to me for... what, like a month? who knows! I do actually have the money, but it feels like Bad Choices money and I'm already spending my Bad Choices money on "making my life easier so I can focus on trying not to die."

(d this problem doesn't feel as insurmountable as the others, but usually my clothes acquisition process involves "talking to my mom or aunts about different clothes items" and I 3000% can't do that here,

all of those people would hear "lost weight due to literally starving to the point of physical sickness" and go either "great!" or, at best "maybe figure out how to eat enough that your body works without gaining any of the weight back" and NOPE.

I'm theoretically supposed to see my parents in October, but I may have to cancel for allegedly COVID reasons but actually like 40% insecurity about being exposed to my parents' COVID choices and 60% the knowledge that if they see me like this they will say something complimentary about my ED-related significant weight loss and that would be... a very bad experience! I do not want to have it! so I should table "convincing my parents not to be here" for right after "being able to dress myself"

also (e I kind of don't want to know how much I weigh now, or any current size measurements of how small I am. it seems like information I would prefer not to have for compulsiveness reasons. they feel like numbers I could get attached to.

okay! time for the solutions I have thought of

(a suck it up! get a BuildingFriend to measure me so I have some numbers that correspond to my body size and just don't be fucking insane about them! use those numbers to buy some clothes, probably cheap ones, as they will be temporary! spend some amount of money! tell my parents nothing and convince them not to come here! eventually donate the clothes when they no longer fit you! just don't be fucking insane about it!

the pros of this plan are "will own clothes I can leave the house in." the cons are that this does hinge to a certain extent on "just don't be insane in the future about things" which seems like writing a check I cannot cash.

(b just figure out how to do laundry, like, once a week. wear your dresses. get a belt. just don't wear pants when you're alone in your apartment, for maximum longevity of your few clothes options.

the pros here are "minimal expenditure of money, less to be insane about in future." the cons are both "laundry is so hard, though" and also, this feels like it will end with my five options getting worn out pretty quickly. how many times can you wear a dress before it ceases to dress? what if one or more of these things gets totally destroyed during its tenure as an essential clothing item and then I have to figure out how to do even MORE laundry?

option A feels like it relies on a major expenditure of current and future Mental Health, which, do I have that? any of that? it's daunting. not impossible, but scary.

option B feels not implausible, but also somewhat tenuous? I would prefer to have more redundancy than that in my "being able to wear clothes" systems. it also relies on Magic Laundry Spoons and I feel like this will result in even more time in objectively very dirty clothes.

I have already considered and discarded "asking my mother for help with the thing she is most literally insane and damaging about" and also "just ceasing to wear clothes" mostly because I have been explicitly told by my therapist that I need to go outside and socialize more and both of those things typically require clothes.

if anyone has an option (c, or a suggestion for either "doing more laundry/preserving longevity of clothes" or sort of "being less insane generally about clothes" please do share!

[super-cerulean]

Beautiful Liar

Part One/Part Two

I hope you guys enjoy this story because it's a fun change of pace from what I normally write. This idea gets more positive later on, I promise 😂

Summary: An expensive taste and a knack for stealing hearts led you to a gala full of Gotham’s richest socialites. Your next target would be the Wayne family, but you weren’t sure just which one to go for. If you pulled it off, it had the potential to be your biggest score yet. All you had to do was play your cards right.

Warnings: Language, kind of dark, major themes of manipulation

Contrary to what most people assumed, your romantic partners weren't your only source of income. They certainly helped keep your wardrobe up to date, but you didn't rely on them for paying bills or anything too important. It was a hobby after all. Your actual job paid well and allowed you to move cities at your own discretion. You had a knack for fashion, especially when it came to your own closet, so it only made sense that you were an amazing stylist. It was hard at first getting your name out there, but eventually you were able to get jobs working on plenty of photoshoots, tv shows and even a few indie movies. Being someone who worked behind the scenes, your name and face weren't well known unless someone was in need of your services. That made your "hobby" a lot easier. Normally, you kept your work life and your private life completely independent of one another, even going as far as to lie about where you worked to keep your anyone you were talking to from interfering. The day Jason Todd showed up at your job was the day you realized that this scheme would be different than the others, for better or for worse.

It had to have been around a week after you met him at the gala. For the time being you busied yourself with work around Gotham and getting to know the city. The rumors that the city was dangerous held true as in that one week you'd seen and heard about more crime than you'd seen in the past five years. It rarely happened near you but goddamn that city was crazy. Thankfully, you mads quick friends with some of your coworkers and they taught you a lot about surviving the insane amounts of crime. You might never get used to living there but at least you knew which places to avoid like the plague.

Jason showed up without warning one day after work. For the time being you worked at a photography company where models and other Gotham celebrities came to do photoshoots. You were heading out, done working for the day and deciding where you would go for dinner when the receptionist stopped you.

"Just a moment! There was someone who requested to speak with you when you were done." You stopped, turning around with a surprised expression. The receptionist pointed you towards the lobby and you nodded, heading in that direction. It was a little early for you to have your own clients requesting your services, so you honestly had no idea who it could be. When you saw Jason Todd standing there in a dress shirt black slacks, you almost dropped everything you were carrying.

"Hey?" you said cautiously when you reached the lobby. He looked up from his phone at the sound of your voice and smiled. There were a lot of chairs in the room for clients to sit and wait and he was sat in one of them near the center. He stood when he saw you and met you halfway.

"What are you doing here?" 

"This is kind of embarrassing," he mumbled, looking at you with sheepish eyes. "I have this thing I need to go to that I need a date for and you're the only person I could think of."

You tilted your head in confusion, watching him shift under your gaze. Of course, this was a goddamn blessing for you, but you knew better than to not ask any questions. Nobody asked for something like this without hidden motives; you knew that better than anyone.

"Why me? You don't have any other friends you could ask?"

"Well yeah, but at the place I'm going...I have a job to do and I don't want anyone coming up to me. When we hung out at the party, nobody tried flirting with me so I was hoping you'd do the same thing again."

There it was. "Oh so you need like a fake girlfriend," you clarified. Jason flinched at your wording but nodded.

"It sounds pathetic when you say it like that," he replied. "But yeah. I wanted someone kind of out of my circle so it wouldn’t be as confusing and weird."

Watching him, a feeling settled into the back of your mind. By the way he carefully chose his words and how he seemed to react when you asked questions, you knew there was more to the story. Still, his request was simple enough and it was an opportunity to get closer to him. How could you refuse?

"Sounds simple enough. When's the occasion?"

"Right now," Jason responded. You couldn't help dropping your jaw a little when he said that.

"That's a little short notice," you gasped. "I'm not even dressed for anything right now."

"I know, I'm sorry. This whole thing was sudden. We can stop on the way and get you something to wear. There are plenty of stores around here."

A new outfit? Now you were really sold. You retained your apprehension outwardly though, not wanting Jason to know you were sold purely on the premise that he would buy you something. Still, you had to ask to be sure.

"Hm...do I get to keep the outfit?" 

"Yeah, for sure. Think of it as compensation for agreeing to going with me," he added quickly.

"I guess that's fair," you said finally. "I don’t have any other plans tonight, so I might as well"

"Thanks, you're a lifesaver!" Jason quickly took your hand, tugging you towards the entrance to the building. Your mind was still reeling at the fact that he not only sought you out, but that he he was already asking you out on a date. Granted, it was a fake date, you still counted it as a win in your book.

"I have a car waiting. Do you need to drop anything off at yours?" You looked up at his question, pulling yourself from your thoughts. His hand still hung loosely in yours as you walked with him into the parking structure but you elected not to say anything about it.

"No, I uber to work. It costs less than the parking in this building," you explained. Jason nodded, returning his attention to looking for his car. 

"Okay, I'll take you home afterwards then." You let him lead you to where his car was parked and he opened the door for you and let you in. After you were fully in the vehicle, he closed the door and rounded the car to enter the driver’s seat. 

“Here, you can put your bag in the back,” he said, eyes landing on your backpack. You nodded, reaching back to rest your bag on the floor beneath the back seats while Jason started the car. He was pulling out of the parking space before you were even back to sitting in your seat. You were a bit shocked at the sudden movement and hurriedly put your seatbelt on.

“By the way, how did you find out where I worked?” You asked after you were out of the parking structure. You remembered he also knew your name at the gala when you hadn’t even told him. For a split second, you wondered if this was maybe a bad idea. You really didn’t know him at all and you just hopped into his car without asking that many questions. It would be just your luck that you got kidnapped and murdered trying to finesse more money into your bank account. 

“You dropped your business card at the gala,” he said simply. You recalled offering some of them to a few people at the party so it wouldn’t be impossible for you to have dropped one of them. The only problem was that you hadn’t had time to make them for your new job yet. They still listed your old place of employment and if Jason had called any of your contact numbers you would have known about it. 

“I haven’t made any with my current job, though. Those are outdated.” 

“Yeah, but your name isn’t. It’s not hard to find people, especially in Gotham. We love to gossip,” he explained. He was right about that. Finding information on people was way too easy with the internet, especially when they were well known. Someone doing research on you, however, was something you hadn’t experienced before. The thought of him finding out what you’d done in the past made you second guess your entire plan. But would he have really invited you out if he knew the truth?

Shaking the thought out of your mind, you decided to focus on the present. Jason was parking the car a long a long strip of neon illuminated stores. There were all types of stores settled nearby that created a kind of strip mall in the middle of the city. You still hadn’t gone shopping much since you’d moved to the city so all of the stores were new to you. It took every ounce of willpower you could muster not to look like a kid in a candy store. 

“We’re kind of short on time, so tell me your size and we can split up to pick something out,” he said when you entered the first store. You eyed him with a glare when he said this so he quickly spoke up again. “I promise I won’t judge whatever number you tell me.” 

Sighing, you told him what size to look for and he set off on to the other side of the shop. The store was small, but it seemed like a high end type of store. The kind where the most expensive outfit on the shelves whispers sweet nothings into your ear, coercing you into finding a way to own it in any way possible.The kind that made your heart turn to stone. 

Considering this was the first time Jason offered to buy you something, you forced yourself to stay on a short leash. Nothing too expensive. You limited your search to things that were simple, fighting the lingering gaze on what you saw that was extravagant. Those would have to wait for another time.  Right now, you needed to stay focused on keeping up an image. 

Jason approached you not too long after you started looking. Truthfully, you’d only found a few things that caught your eye with the limits you were placing on yourself. Jason however, came through with his arms absolutely suffocated in hangars and fabric. “Hey, you ready to try some stuff on?”

“Jesus, did you take out a whole shelf?” You said, aghast. You took some of the outfits out of his arms, eyes darting across them. You prayed to god he didn’t see the way your face lit up when he brought all of those clothes over because this time, you just couldn’t help it. 

“I just grabbed what I thought might look good on you. Come on, I’ll get you a changing room.” You nodded, following his long strides across the store. There were a few things that you had been looking at earlier in the pile and seeing them made your heart flutter a little. The fact that he just haphazardly picked up whatever he saw made it so much harder for you to not take advantage of him too much. But if he cared about how much he spent he would have looked at the price tag. 

Still hesitant to go all out, you tried on everything that he gave you. You saved some of the things you were drawn to for last, knowing that if you tried them on and liked how they looked it would take a miracle for you to politely decline. He was pushing your self control to the limits. When you finally moved passed all of the cheaper outfits you both picked out and jason declined them, you were left with the more expensive clothing. The first few were nice, but it wasn’t until the fourth one you tried on that Jason responded positively. 

“That,” he said, eyes combing over you as you exited the dressing room. “That’s it.” Your heart was racing. Not because he was looking at you, but because the outfit was to-fucking-die for. It was too much though. You had to say something. 

“This is really expensive...Maybe we should try another store,” you said sheepishly. Jason shaking his head almost made you scream. 

“No time,” he responded simply. "It's fine, I'll put it on Bruce's tab. This is like a penny to him." You didn't argue. Warning him once was enough and if he didnt care about using Bruce Wayne's money to buy you something, who are you to stop him? Instead, you stayed silent, nodding as he gathered your things. You followed him to the cashier and they were able to check you out without you having to change into your clothes again. And just like that, Jason swiped a card and the outfit was yours . Suddenly, you remembered why you were so addicted to this. The rush of euphoria that followed walking out of the store made whatever Jason had in store for you completely worth it and any hesitation you had about going with him vanished. It was pretty fucked up; you knew that, but at some point you just stopped caring.

[jazminhupp]

6 Reasons I Wasn't Ready for Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training

I had six excuses for why I hadn’t completed a Yoga Teacher Training. In August of 2018, I overcame these and completed an intensive Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training in New Mexico. Here’s what I learned wasn’t true at all…

I Can’t Hold My Arms Up for 3 Minutes | I Can’t Sit in Lotus

I thought that yoga teachers needed to be masters of every move before they started teaching. Wow was I wrong! I learned that you don’t have to demo the poses for nearly as long as you’re asking students to do them. Starting from the same place as many students (can’t hold my arms up, can’t sit comfortably in easy pose) was actually an advantage. As I learned how to improve my stamina, it was easy to translate that into suggestions for students working on the same thing.

I Don’t Do Things I’m Not Already Great At

Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training was the first training I signed up for that I wasn’t sure I could complete. Up until this point, I had only chosen to learn things I knew I could be world-class in. The first yoga class I taught was the first bad training I’d given in my life. I was mortified but I learned a ton! It turned out that Yoga wasn’t about being perfect. It was about being brave enough to keep trying no matter how far you have to go.

I Don’t Wear White

My first career as stage manager in NYC was an all-black clothing affair. I was proud of my elegant, multi-functional, and very black wardrobe. I was resistant to a lifestyle change that required more laundry expertise. During school I discovered you only *need* white when you’re officially leading a class so you can get through training with one nice white outfit. Second I found buying white clothing from real people was a joy compared to supporting expensive clothes produced in cheap conditions. Lastly, I got better at laundry. I’m shocked at what OXO/OXY cleaners can get out of white these days.

I Don’t Have the Money

The economics of training appeared insane. Not only does it require skipping a month of work but it costs thousands of dollars. And of course at the end of the whole process, yoga teachers rarely make a living wage in the Bay Area. Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training taught me to trust that if I keep up then I’ll be kept up. I arrived at my training with not enough money to buy the gas required to drive home if I didn’t like it. As I meditated a thousand miles away from my friends and family, they were cheering for me. So by the time graduation came around I had a multi-million dollar company sale on the table and friends flying in to pay for the road trip home.

I Don’t Have the Time

I have learned from my wealthiest friends that having control over how you spend your time is the ultimate luxury. My motivation to attend Yoga Teacher Training was altruistic but in the end I was the one who benefited the most. Time will bend when you add this to your schedule. It’s an amazing opportunity to ask for support at home or at work while you do something for yourself. I know you would put in extra effort to help a family member improve their mind, body, and soul so don’t be shy about asking your family for help.

I Don’t Want to Teach

I was shocked in the first opening circle of training where virtually every person said they were here to deepen their own practice. I was externally-impact oriented so the idea of coming to a yoga teacher training for myself had never occured to me. They were right and I was wrong. I spent the most time in training deepening my own practice and setting the foundation of a daily home practice. Teaching turned out to be the best method to improve myself.

Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training in Berkeley Starts January 25th

I got more out of Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training then any other experience of my life (more than Burning Man, Landmark Leadership Forum, Founding Women Grow or talk therapy). So I’m going back just to be in the room with you all. Perhaps the most famous living Kundalini Yoga teacher is coming to the Bay Area in 2019. You can read more about Gurmukh’s herstory online and you can listen to Gurmukh’s Podcast to get a sense of her style. It’s hard to covey her power on just a recording. Just know, I was so impressed with the two days I learned under her that I’m coming back for 28 days with her in Berkeley.

Check out the dates for Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training next year. 

6 Reasons I Wasn’t Ready for Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training was originally published on JazminHupp.com