#I never really anticipated writing muke and it will not become a habit

[allsassnoclass]

kjadkga a prompt,,,, 39 (an actual open honest conversation) whatever pairing you want i am truly dying for healthy communication content -bella

for some reason this yelled MUKE at me very forcefully so. here is muke

39. an actual open honest conversation

Luke doesn't want to ask.

He knows that he has to.  This has gone on long enough, and they have to set boundaries, make things clear.  He can't spend the rest of his life staying up at night wondering what this is.  He's supposed to be an adult, not a kid too afraid of getting his feelings hurt to do what'll be best for them both in the long run.

Still, he doesn't want to ask.

Maybe it's the atmosphere.  They're both tired and sated, warm and happy, Luke's fingertips tracing a mindless pattern on Michael's arm.  He looks divine like this, soft and relaxed.  He looks unguarded.  Luke doesn't want to see his walls get put back up, like they inevitably will if he begins this conversation.  There's a reason they've been avoiding it for years, and it's not because Luke doesn't care.  He's not sure he wants to see Michael try to spare his feelings.

"Why did you hate me?" he asks instead, because it's an easier question.  Maybe he can build up to it, even if this feels more like avoidance than a stepping-stone to what he truly wants to know.

"Hm?" Michael asks, eyes flickering back open.  His breathing had just begun to get slower, and now Luke is forcing him back to consciousness.  Maybe he should have waited.

But he's waited for years.

"Why did you hate me, back when we were kids?  Before Calum made us be friends with each other?"

Before that first kiss, first time, first... everything.

Michael frowns.

"I don't know.  You were annoying, I guess."

"Come on, Mikey.  I'm being serious."

"Well why did you hate me?" he asks.  Luke pauses and puts himself in the shoes of his younger self.

"I always felt like you were either glaring at me or laughing at me, and I wasn't sure what I had done to deserve either.  Plus, you never tried.  I didn't know you cared about anything until Calum told me how much you cared about music."

Michael's frown deepens, and Luke knows he's going to pull away and probably kick up a fuss, so he runs a hand through his messy hair and scratches the back of his scalp in the way he knows Michael goes boneless for.

"I know better now, obviously.  You can be one of the most passionate people I know, and just because academia wasn't for you doesn't mean you don't care so much it hurts sometimes."

Michael sighs, heavy in the shadowed room.  There's a bruise forming near his collarbone, and Luke resists the urge to press his thumb against his handiwork.

"I think... I think I hated you because everyone else liked you, and no one else liked me."

It's Luke's turn to frown now.

"Everyone didn't like me.  I got made fun of a lot.  I was dorky and wore weird glasses sometimes and I was too quiet."

"As much as people made fun of you, they never actually hated you.  The only person at that entire school who could stand me was Calum, and that's just because we had been friends for so long already.  I was loud and annoying and I never said the right thing.  It made people hate me.  Besides, you were cute even as a teenager.  I wasn't.  You were in every girl's Myspace top eight, and even when we started the band people were calling me ugly."

"Michael--"

"Don't try to tell me that it's not true, because it is," he says.  "I know I wasn't very conventionally attractive.  I've grown into it a bit, and I don't hate my looks anymore, but I'm also not stupid."

"I never thought you were ugly," Luke says.  He doesn't know how to explain the way Michael's eyes shine, or how infectious his laugh is, or how Luke sometimes used to stare at him even before they were friends because he's always been the most interesting and beautiful thing in the room.

"You have to say that," Michael says.  "You can't call the person who just gave you an amazing orgasm ugly."

"It's true, though."

Michael smiles at him.  Luke can tell that he doesn't believe it, but at least he knows now that Luke does.  He won't be convinced tonight, but maybe Luke can work on it a bit later.

"You're cute, too," Michael says, and Luke doesn't blush, because this is a song and dance they're both used to by now, but it's still a close thing.  Michael has that kind of effect on him.  It's always startling to be the subject of all of that passion.

"Thanks," he says.  "What are we?"

Michael's smile disappears, and this is it.  Luke has just ruined everything by blurting out the one question he's been trying to ask for years.

"What do you mean?  We're Michael and Luke."

"No, Mike, what is this," he says, gesturing between them.  "I can't--I need to know.  We can't keep doing this without defining it."

"What brought this on?" he asks.

"It's been a long time coming," he says.  "You have to admit that."

"No, Luke, I don't.  What's wrong with how we're doing things now?"

"Nothing's wrong, I just need to know what this is to you."

"What's it to you?" he snaps, pulling away, and Luke feels a flare of anger.  He sits up, and Michael's eyes widen at the sudden movement.

"Stop trying to deflect!  Is it really that hard to let me know what the fuck I am to you for once in your life?"

Michael flinches away at the tone and Luke takes a deep breath.  Yelling won't help things.  He can't let Michael avoid the conversation that they both so desperately need to have, but he has to keep his head or they'll both say something they regret.

"Sorry," he says.  Michael nods and sits up slowly, leaning against the headboard and not looking at Luke.

"I don't understand why you're asking me right now.  I thought things were good with us," he says carefully, voice small.

"They are.  But Michael... we're not kids anymore.  We've been doing this for so long that I honestly don't know what I'm going to do when we stop.  I just don't want to pretend that we're going to be together forever.  I can't, which means I need a clear definition of what this is for you.  It's so easy to blur the lines when your fuck buddy is also the person who knows you best in the world, and gets along great with your mom, and keeps things interesting while you're working, and..." he doesn't want to continue, feeling like his chest has been cut open and put on display already, but they need honesty here.  They won't get anywhere without it.  "Well, what's the line between you and someone I'm in love with?"

Michael inhales sharply.  Luke keeps looking at his nails, picking idly at the polish there.  He needs to redo it, anyway.

The silence stretches on, and Luke curses himself for ending up at Michael's house instead of making Michael come to him, because he's the one who's going to be doing the walk of shame and then crying his eyes out.

"I never considered what I would do if you wanted to end it and found someone else," Michael says finally.  "I didn't think about it, because I knew it would break me.  You want to know what you are to me?  You're just about everything, Luke.  All those things that you said about me, except I know that there is no line.  You are someone I'm in love with.  I didn't want to say that and scare you away if you didn't agree."

Luke looks at him to find Michael already looking back.  His expression is scared, but also honest, like he's just handed Luke his heart and is hoping he'll keep it safe.  Luke supposes he just did.

"Oh," he says.  He reaches forward and takes one of Michael's hands in his, squeezing once.  "Does this mean--Can we date?  Officially?"

"Please," Michael breathes, and Luke doesn't know if he's ever heard a sweeter word.  He knows that they'll have a few more difficult conversations to get through, and that they'll inevitably be a slight adjustment period where they both ensure that they're on the same page, but he's okay with that.  He'll bare his soul to Michael every moment of every day if it means he gets to have a moment more with him.